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my family having a double standard for communication and insinuating that i communicate my feelings horribly because of how i behaved when i was 16 and undiagnosed: ?????????

me recognizing and acknowledging my own progress to myself, communicating to myself that i’m proud of the work i’ve done, and maintaining a healthy communication style despite the lack of familial understanding because it will benefit my mental health and my relationships in the future, and acknowledging that my family is actively hurting my feelings and i am not in the wrong: !!!!!!!!!!

#family #trauma #lol #autism #autistic

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the open oven washes heat over me-

like sunshine, like spring in arizona, like i’m warmblooded on a rock.

my roommate is having his first christmas after a great sadness and i have no advice. all i can say is that

things hit you at strange times- when dad left we watched the grinch at that first christmas and cindy lou who said “i just wanted everyone to be together for christmas”

and i cried like cold february, like winter in alaska, like i’d never be warm again.

#poetry?

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hey 15 year old me sobbing in her room thinking she just needs to turn 18 and move to washington and everything will be fine. you’re still sad in washington angel

#that sure is life

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most of my friends never knew who i was before my brain injury. was she kinder? was she more patient, more passionate? would they have liked her better or worse? if it never happened, would we still be friends? would i be more generous and have a better memory for names, dates, times, places? did she feel more, and deeper? was she more grateful for pain and for heartache? did she ever think she’d be loved and love in return? did she know better what she wanted? would my kindergarten teacher recognize me? what do i do with all this grief, with love enduring? would she know she was sick sooner? would i get sick at all? does she miss me? do i miss her? do i remember her? do i remember her? do i remember her?

#grief is love enduring #brain injury

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a twitter thread that actually killed me

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quote from alice notley // open water by caleb azumah nelson // georgia o'Keeffe's letter to russel vernon hunter //sara teasdale's poem, the crystal gazer // all too well - taylor swift // sylvia plath // little life by hanya yanagihara //memory for forgetfulness by mahmoud darwish, translated by Ibrahim Muhawi

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gorgeous gorgeous girls have a million medical problems with 0 answers from doctors and think about sewerslide every single moment of the day

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medical professionals be like “oh my this problem you have seems to have progressed to a severe level” my doctor in christ you are the one who ignored the symptoms

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got in a fight with my boyfriend and realized halfway through that he doesn’t have to live in this “worst case scenario” world like i do.

what no one tells you about a progressive disability, as opposed to a stable one, is that it completely changes how you have to think about the world. being autistic doesn’t really affect how i approach dating; i know my brain and my limits and i’m able to communicate those.

but having a progressive brain injury, having a disability that will likely leave me dependent on someone in 5-10 years- i have to think so differently about my relationships than my boyfriend, who is able-bodied.

will this person be able to financially support me? is the risk of this person’s past mistakes too big? i won’t have the means to divorce them if we get married. will i be able to physically escape this person if i need to, with a worsening physical state?

like. my boyfriend gets to just think about whether he likes me and wants to be with me. i have to make sure that i’m with someone who i can 100% trust OR who i can get away from even with worsening disabilities. i can’t be cavalier about it or date for fun.

there’s just so much that i’m realizing about my brain injury. it’s been over a year and i feel like my symptoms are barely starting.

#disability #disabled #chronic illness #narcolepsy #autism #autistic #actuallyautistic #neurodivergent #brain damage #brain injury #tbi #traumatic brain injury

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if you were obsessed with the mysterious benedict society, a series of unfortunate events, the name of this book is secret, miss peregrine’s home for peculiar children, or percy jackson as a kid... how’s your late-diagnosed neurodivergency going?

#JDJCJXKJJGKD #THIS MADE ME SCREAM #<3

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sending love out tonight to everyone who is progressively losing their abilities, whether that's movement, ability to walk, eyesight, or hearing.

it's hard to come to terms with the fact that you can't do things that you used to be able to do. I'll be honest, it feels like you're losing control of your life. it can feel very isolating and hopeless. its scary and overwhelming, and it's so hard to deal with.

you are not less than just because you can do less. im proud of you for still being here, and i wish you ease with adjusting to new ways of life. please take care of yourself, i love you.

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Cry - Ashnikko Ft. Grimes

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…there are vast, empty rooms inside you, unseen, beautiful in vain, mute, devoid of the echo of footsteps.

Wisława Szymborska, tr. by Joanna Trzeciak, from Miracle Fair: Selected Poems of Wisława Szymborska; “Conversation with a Rock”

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quick reminder that people do not have control over what their brain remembers. they cannot choose to remember something, they didnt forget because they "didnt care", and they arent trying to get out of responsibilities

please, please, please stay patient with those who have memory issues. its already stressful and scary enough having to experience the memory issues and yelling at us, guilt tripping us, and punishing us isnt going to suddenly make us remember things more

we try every single day to remember as best as we can and even setting alarms and leaving reminders doesnt work every single time. we are trying our best. please just stay kind to us

💕💕💕

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Instagram question sticker part 3

Distance from all I want to be close to // anxiety // wanting to reach out but knowing it is a bad idea // anxiety and sadness // separation // loneliness and anger // shame // unmotivated and drained // invalidation // anger 

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Crush by Richard Siken // Two Girls in Bed by Henri De Toulouse-Lautrec // “Washing Machine Heart” by Mitski // David Altmejd // Wasted by Marya Hornbacher // Embrace Painting by Peter Wever

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“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”

—

Federico García Lorca