sapphic-sex-ed

[sapphic-sex-ed]

People. I’m not going to keep saying this.

When someone is being submissive? Giving up some control? You respect that. They are trusting you, relying on you. Don’t fucking betray that trust. Educate yourself, be respectful and keep them safe.

When someone is dominating you, remember! Their comfort level is just as important as yours. They are relying on you to communicate your needs and problems. Don’t suffer something in silence because you want to make things easy or better.

PEOPLE ARE NOT KINK DISPENSERS. People are. People. With lives and feelings and emotions. Give your partners respect, because they are giving themselves to you.

#reblog #mod liz #kink #bdsm #dom #sub

[sapphic-sex-ed]

i think a lot of people would be happier if they viewed labels like homosexual and transgender as social technologies rather than identities

#labels #mod liz #reblog

[sapphic-sex-ed]

there's nothing wrong with being a man and wanting to sleep with men and not date them. it doesn't make you proof queer men are sex-crazed. there's nothing wrong with being a woman and wanting to sleep with women and not date them. it doesn't make you proof queer women are predatory. being alloaro doesn't make you a derogatory stereotype. you deserve respect, no matter what

#reblog #alloaro #aromantic #mod liz

[sapphic-sex-ed]

Gonna look for confirmation but I've seen a claim relating to the news that the NHS is going to force GICs to hand over patient records to look for evidence of detransition, that the criteria they are going to use is if the patient has a GRC.

I dont have a solid source yet. Do not panic yet. But if true I will lose my fucking mind.

#reblog #important #trans

[sapphic-sex-ed]

sorry for the terrible awful horrendous question but I’ve been trying to masturbate with my fingers for a while and it never really worked for me properly which is a WHOLE other issue but um recently I tried something else that kind of seemed more promising where I (okay TMI warning) basically lay face-down on my bed and just sort of started humping a bunch and I propped a pillow under me and I think I actually got really close and probably would’ve been successful if I hadn’t stopped because the throbbing sensation momentarily freaked me out haha. Anyway my question is,like, is that a thing that people do? I haven’t heard about it as a form of masturbation before and I have no idea why this is the only method that seems to work for me. Is this a Thing? Is there a name for it? Sorry again for the graphic question

It seems you feel a great deal of shame around your sexuality and I wanna make clear that nothing about this is awful or horrendous or terrible at all, even if it may feel frightening to ask about. What you’re doing is grinding/humping which is a common way to masturbate. Pillows are common but people use all sorts of things. For example I’ve met horseback riders who use the saddle, or people using armrests on couches.

-mod liz

#mod liz #masturbation #grinding #humping

[sapphic-sex-ed]

i hate to be that guy, but the idea that gender, sex, and sexuality are ontologically pure concepts that can be rigidly defined if we simply police our language enough (our english language, because of course) is—i cannot stress this enough—a total waste of time. you may as well spend your afternoons teaching a brick how to swim

#mod liz #reblog

[sapphic-sex-ed]

thanks for answering my ask so quickly and thoroughly. that's really helpful and kind.

I have no apparent clitoral organ where its supposed to be, and being hidden under the hood isn't impeding me from figuring that out. What should my first steps be, though? Should I see a doctor and ask for advice? I'd like to sort of fix this.

Since a doctor or midwife can do a gynecological exam that could be an option. They’ve seen plenty of bits and know what to look for.

I’m curious about what you mean by “fix”, though. Do you mean it in a “get to the bottom of what’s going on” way or in a “fix something broken” way? I’m bringing this up because of the anxieties about being “wrong” in the last ask. How would you react if you are in fact intersex in some way (completely lacking a clitoris or having had it surgically removed)? What emotions would that bring forth and how equipped are you to deal with them?

If you go to a clinic I’d make sure they have a counselor working there, and make sure to ask for an appointment before you leave, if you feel any sort of negative reaction.

Self-image is a core component to our sexual health and wellbeing, and if there is risk that yours might be negatively affected I really wish for you to have a support system for that.

-mod liz

#mod liz #idk how to tag this

[sapphic-sex-ed]

Um please help I've tried looking for answers but can't find anything. I have no clitoris, just smooth skin where it should be. There's no information about how this could happen and I don't know what's wrong with me. Please what should I do.

First of all anon, there is nothing wrong with you. There are multiple explanations to what you're experiencing and I'm going to go through them shortly, but regardless of which of those may be the reason (or if the reason is some secret fifth option I'm missing entirely), there is nothing wrong with you. Because bodies are so taboo, our first instinct when we don't conform to a cultural ideals is to believe we are the problem, when in reality there may not be a problem at all. The insecurity and fear is real, and they're perfectly common feelings especially when we are still trying to find our own roles and identities. What I'm getting at is: your feelings are understandable and natural, but you or your body aren't wrong.

There are two possible explanations as to why you're having trouble finding your glans clitoris. I'm writing glans clitoris because the full organ is larger than the "button" you often see in outer vulva anatomy drawings. The full organ extends into the body like so:

Every part in this diagram apart from the labia minora, vagina, and urethra are part of the clitoris.

So what could be an explanation of what you are experiencing? One could be that you are simply not finding it. Sounds dismissive, I know, but bear with me. When I was a teen, I was also scared I didn't have a clitoris. I couldn't find it, and despite sometimes masturbating (and in hindsight that was definitely clitoral stimulation) I was convinced I didn't have it for a good while. I've heard from other teens through the years with similar anxieties. Of course I'm assuming you're a teen, and you very well could be an adult, but I'm guessing based on experience. If I'm wrong, feel free to correct me. So even when experiencing clitoral stimulation, it can be difficult as a teen or even young adult to fully put that together and identify the clitoris as the source of that pleasure. One reason is because of sex ed rarely talking about clitoral stimulation. Another is that you can't put the sensation together with the organ because of your brain. It is not finished developing, and while I remember feeling at the time like I was fully developed, now at the ripe old age of 27 remembering feelings and experiences I had as a teen, I know I would be able to make sense of them immediately now as an adult even if I lacked context for them the way I did back then. Knowledge of our bodies develops fully as an adult, but may also be halted due to trauma.

A second possibility could be that you have a glans clitoris but you're having a hard time finding it because the anatomy of your vulva is significantly different than most anatomy drawings. This is also exceedingly common. Vulvas and vaginas are more diverse than penises to the point when an "average" means nothing (this is true in many mammals). You may have a large clitoral hood and small glans clitoris making the latter difficult to find. Or it may sit higher up or lower down than you expect from looking at an anatomy drawing.

Of course it could also be that you don't have a glans clitoris (or even the full organ), but then It's more likely to be due to medical intervention like fgm or intersex surgery. If you come from a culture where fgm is common, that may be a possibility, but if you aren't then you can rule that one out almost entirely.

So the last reason could be that you may be intersex, a perfectly ordinary variation in animals that lies between the two bimodal sexes. Because western society have viewed this bimodal nature as a binary though, people who can't easily be sorted into male or female have been pathologized*. If you are intersex it could be that you were actually born without a clitoris, even though that is more rare than other intersex conditions. What would then be more likely is that you were put through a cliterectomy as a child, and your parents may not even know about it. This happened to intersex and queer activist Pidgeon, who tells their story here.

I do think the first two reasons are the likeliest, that you are having trouble finding it for one reason or another, but I would be amiss to not mention that intersex people exist. Because again, regardless of which of these (if any) is the reason for your troubles, there is nothing wrong with you. Being a teen and being anxious to fit in and not knowing your body is not wrong. Having a vulva that doesn't look like an anatomical diagram isn't wrong. Having been put through fgm doesn't make you wrong. Being intersex and having been put through forced surgeries doesn't make you wrong.

If these anxieties hinder you in your day to day functioning, you could schedule an appointment with a midwife or ob-gyn for an exam and you could ask them.

-mod liz

*not to erase that some intersex conditions comes with genetic disabilities, like turner syndrome, but the existence outside the binary itself is why intersex people are marginalized, as we can see in how the medical community treats them even when they are otherwise "healthy" (I could also go on a rant on what "healthy" even means but this isn't the time nor the place for that).

#mod liz #vulva anatomy #clitoris #fgm mention #intersex

[sapphic-sex-ed]

this is so important.

#mod liz #reblog #std #sti

[sapphic-sex-ed]

people need to realize that sexual harassment & assault can happen in women's only spaces. and cis straight women can and are frequent perpetrators (sexual harassment & assault do not require attraction). & the idea that women are just naturally safe to be around makes it harder for victims to speak up and be taken seriously because "but we're all girls! it's fine if I deny your autonomy if we're girls it's just a fun joke :)"

if you want to make women's spaces safer for victims of sexual assault, you need to focus on empowering ALL victims & not making sweeping generalizations based in bigotry.

#mod liz #reblog #cw sexual assault

[sapphic-sex-ed]

A little kinky advice

Beware of people who push on hard limits. These are not an invitation to apply pressure. It’s a boundary that should be respected until you hear otherwise. If that doesn’t work for you, find someone more compatible with your needs.

Beware of people who try to convince you that you’d do something kink related for them if you just loved them enough/were devoted enough. Kink is not in itself an act of self-sacrifice or self-harm. It should not rob you. It should fill your cup.

Beware of people who say your safeword has conditions or think someone doesn’t deserve one, top or bottom.

Kink should be enjoyable for all parties. Limits matter for all parties. No matter how “fun” and “exciting” someone seems on this site, they have limits. And they should. Saying you don’t have limits is either foolish or unhinged.

There is no inherent role you should have to play based on your gender, size, sexuality, etc. There is endless variation and you can pursue what makes sense to you.

#mod liz #reblog #kink

[sapphic-sex-ed]

i looked on your abuse tag for a while and didn’t see that you answered this but if i’m wrong lmk. any tips on how to pull a friend out of an abusive relationship? i know i can’t control her but she asked me to tell her when her relationship starts to look like what mine did and when i told her she didn’t listen and now she’s getting back with the same person after 3 days. i know i’m not supposed to control her but i don’t know what to do besides an ultimatum at this point. hoping someone else has better advice before i do that.

Thank you for asking this highly relevant question. I'm sorry your friend is in a bad relationship and I'm sorry you have been through this as well - abuse is too common and that's why I'm glad you asked. We all need this information.

Most people's first instinct when their loved one seems to be in an unhealthy relationship is to raise the question with them. How people do this differs, and I would always opt for what's called curious exploration (open questions about the relationship and reflections of the emotions your loved one expresses) over confrontation, as the latter seldom is productive. In your case, anon, you raised it as agreed upon beforehand but your friend wasn't receptive to your thoughts. This, too, is common.

In my experience with clients in a abusive relationships, there is a lot of shame tied up into being a "victim", one of several reasons "survivor" is a preferred term. To imply or explicitly state that their relationship seems abusive can in instances when they're not ready to hear that yet lead to resistance and a deeper commitment to said relationship. The genuine concern for their safety is taken as criticism of themselves and their own person, usually as there probably exists some doubts and insecurities already. When we are already insecure we tend to become more protective of whatever it is we are insecure about. For this reason I would stray from words such as 'abuse' or even 'unhealthy'. Not to say that labeling abuse as abuse cannot be a relief to some - when they are ready for it it can be very cathartic for somebody else to see and acknowledge their experiences as abuse - but they need to be further along in their acceptance and insight for that to work.

As people who care about them, it can be difficult to see a loved one stay with or go back to an abusive partner. We want them to be safe and happy and to us it seems obvious that the source of their misery is the abusive partner. But abusive relationships aren't always all bad all the time. That's how we get stuck. It's like a slot machine. It can be helpful for some to speak about their relationships like a behavioral addiction - the mechanisms are similar or the same. That's what the actual definition of love-bombing is, btw. The increase in loving behaviors by an abuser right before or right after a bad abusive episode meant to keep the victim in the relationship. Because of this pattern - tension, incident, reconciliation (honeymoon phase or love-bombing), calm - it can be difficult for the person being abused to see the abuse, as it's not all bad all the time. That hope that the love-bombing or calm phases will prevail is what is so addictive about the abusive relationship. "This time maybe it will work out".

For us who see the abuse, we want to support our loved one, and the first instinct if usually to get them to leave. As discussed, that's not an easy task. It's common for abused partners (speaking explicitly about IPV, but any type of domestic violence regardless of relationship works similarly, although leaving may look different when the abuser is a relative) to leave the abuser between 3 to 11 times before they leave for good. Some never leave. What abuse does, at its core, is strip us of agency and dignity. We become dependent and degraded. If somebody else then comes along, no matter how good their intentions, and tells us that we must leave that too is stripping of agency and will be met with resistance. The change needs to come from within the abused person themselves.

Confrontation creates tension both within you as a friend and within the loved one you're trying to help, and can lead you to drift apart, especially if the abused feel like you are judgemental of their relationship. We don't want this to happen. Isolation is one of the main tools an abuses utilizes, consciously or not (because while some people are just cruel and consciously abuse others, a lot of the time the abuser is only half-way aware of what they are doing), to keep their victim in the relationship. Instead, what we want to do is offer support on the abused person's terms. Don't try to persuade them to leave. Instead offer support like a place to stay if they need it. Or a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. Just doing friendship things and preventing isolation. What somebody needs will be based on their relationship and other social and psychological factors. If the abuse is physical they may need somebody who can drive them to the ER. Or if the abuse is more psychological (not mutually exclusive obviously) they may need somebody they can call at any hour to cry. Economical abused people may need someone who can open an account for them to stash away money or such. Ask your friend what they need if they are open to that. Or if you notice something they might need help with if you can do that for them. If they are very downtrodden and lack the ability to decide if they want help with X thing, you can speak in statements like "I will do X thing for you when you need me to".

When it comes to talking about the relationship, I use a lot of elements om motivational interviewing (MI) when I meet people in abusive relationships. You're not a therapist or a counselor, you're a friend, but the core tenets of MI are based in compassion and evoking change through that. To use skills like active listening, simple and complex emotional reflections, and open questions to bring to surface the person's own reasoning are not outside the scope of a layperson. To hear yourself say something aloud often makes it easier for us to hear the flaws in our own reasoning because now it's not just an internal thought, now we hear it as others do, and that is what using MI elements does. Again, you're not a therapist, but to use active listening skills is good in any private relationship.

I hope this was helpful. I also invite followers to share their tips from experience both as survivor and friend of survivors.

-mod liz

#mod liz #abuse cw #cw abuse #ipv #abusive relationships #abuse

[sapphic-sex-ed]

how do you find love?

You have to be willing to be hurt and trust people not to hurt you.

But also go out and do regular activities with people who share similar interests. I'm extremely unromantic in terms of how friendships and relationships are built. Go out and spend time with people who are into the same stuff that you are into and eventually you will probably find someone in that group who you are romantically compatible with and who is open to a relationship at the same time you are.

Like there are tons of jokes about various communities being insular and socially incestuous but, like, the reason improv groups have all dated each other is because they spend a lot of time together doing things they like and that's actually a pretty good foundation for a relationship.

Also, real talk: you have to be okay with being alone. You have to like yourself enough that it wouldn't be the end of the world if you were all you had. That is really difficult for a lot of people, but genuinely one of the ways to start liking yourself more is to go out and do things that you think fun and interesting people would do until you discover that you have tricked yourself into becoming a fun and interesting person.

But also take that with a grain of "I lucked into a long-term relationship at eighteen because I met someone cool at a coffee shop where I worked."

(however, being regulars at a coffee shop did legitimately used to be a way to meet people, I know lots of people who met at the coffee shops I worked at and found their partners there, but that's because coffee shops used to be the kind of place where people would go and hang out for hours after work every day and interact with new people and I'm not sure how much that's a thing anymore, which is why you have to manufacture it by, like, joining an adult kickball league or getting deeply involved in your local larping scene or whatever)

#reblog #mod liz

[sapphic-sex-ed]

Hi, this is the anon that reached out the day before yesterday about safewords, and thank you so much for the advice. I ended up following through with it, and I told my partner that I didn't want to have sex of any kind that night, since I did not feel up to it (currently recovering from a bad flu and was feeling very weak) and um, they ended up starting a huge argument about it and how I'm acting childish (they said stuff along the lines of me being unreasonable since i havent had any sex with them for over a week, again, i was down with the flu) . I don't know how to react here, and I'm feeling really guilty about it.

(also if you got a half written ask off anon please ignore it I think I may have accidently sent one)

Thank you for reaching out again. The way your partner is responding to you is not kind and not okay. Do they react badly when you try to assert other boundaries as well? Where does the expectation that you “should” have sex more often come from? Is it an assumption they’ve made or something you’ve agreed upon before? Either way they have no right to demand sex, but there’s some nuance depending on the circumstances. Is this something that has been happening throughout your relationship or something new?

-mod liz

#mod liz #boundaries

[sapphic-sex-ed]

And thank you for explaining why you reacted the way you did — and for responding in the first place. It forced me to clarify what I thought I made apparent (insert that xkcd comic about underestimating how much you need to explain something) and made the reply better in the process!

-mod liz

I wanna preface this by saying my partner is extremely sweet. I'm really scared to safeword whilst sex. We usually don't do any more than basic things and usually stick to vanilla stuff but sometimes I feel like stopping/taking a break (I get overwhelmed easily) and I feel really stupid for ever asking about it. I've never asked them to stop, though they've done it on their own a couple times because I started having a panick attack, but it makes me feel like a terrible person to ever ask them to stop/slow down

It sounds to me like you have issues asserting boundaries, and there’s no shame in that — it’s a common thing. What I’ve found effective when we have a hard time respecting and asserting our own boundaries is switching it up. Is it fair to your partner to continue past your boundaries? What do you think they feel like when this happens?

We usually make it out in our minds that letting somebody unknowingly cross our boundaries is a kindness to them — why spoil their fun? we think — but what we’re really doing is making ourselves unsafe partners. How would you feel if your partner told you that you’d been unwittingly crossing their boundaries and doing things they didn’t enjoy for some time now?

Because consent goes both ways, and if you cannot be clear with your boundaries and use safe words or ask to stop when these options are offered, I’m sorry to say but you’re not a safe partner to be with.

Sex is communication, plain and simple. So communicate about it, and if you’re not in a place where you can respect your partner enough to use your safe words, maybe you shouldn’t be having sex until you’re there.

-mod liz

#mod liz #kink mention #consent #queer

[sapphic-sex-ed]

Thank you for the addition of resources!

I would like to point out that the tone that my reply was aiming for was "gentle but firm reprimand". Because yes, anon may have trauma, but the issue at hand is serious enough that my point - that this could be an unsafe sexual situation for anons partner - had to be clear. Tones can be difficult to communicate over text so I admit the reply can have missed the mark on that.

There are two truths at play here, and they are both equally valid: like I said, anon is clearly struggling and there is no shame in that. It's common, and I've been there myself as a serial letting-the-people-i-care-about-step-all-over-me person. The reason I framed my reply the way I did is that 1) sometimes confrontation is needed to change behaviors (ie, in therapy, if your therapist doesn't challenge and confront you every once in a while, they're a bad therapist), and 2) I've found that both from clients, and for myself, swapping perspective is what will make you able to fully grasp why what your intentions are (not bothering your partner, not "spoiling it" for them) and the effect you have (leaving your partner feeling lied to, feeling used, possibly even traumatizing them in return) are at odds with one another.

It's true that anon might have trauma (many of us do), and I'm really grateful for the resources provided in your reply, but this is serious enough that a firm tone is needed. I cannot minimize the consent breaches because it might make somebody feel bad. Sometimes we behave in ways that when we realize what we're doing we do feel bad.

It's an issue I have with the consent discourse over all and now we're getting into rant land bc I have a thesis to write so obviously I'll be ranting on tumblr instead, but the way consent is framed both in leftist and queer internet circles is deeply flawed. It only covers half the discussion. You may have seen the posts going around talking about how many people find it easier to be bottoms or subs because there's still a lot of shame surrounding sexuality even in claimed "sex positive" spaces. It's the desire itself that's seen as dirty and shameful and so to be a top or dom(me), to do the sexual action and take charge, is seen as active sexuality and thus more shameful, more "predatory" (like, literally, people will say that just experiencing attraction - something most humans do - is predatory ???? bc regarding somebody in a sexual way is inherently objectifying???? which ??? NO???????). To be a bottom or sub, then, is easier because it's a more "passive" role, the recipient, and may absolve people from their sense of shame. This ties in to the discussion of consent in a way that's actively harmful for tops/dommes (and anyone having sex doing sexual things, but this highlights the issue most effectively). Because consent is then framed as consenting for somebody to do something to you, but the consent of the top is disregarded. Because they only consent to do something to a willing participant, and if you then do not use your safe word or lie about your boundaries, you are ignoring that your partner only consented to do something to you as long as you were willing. While the name might suggest otherwise, sadists only enjoy inflicting pain on willing participants and are actually quite horrified and hurt if they find out you didn't safeword despite wanting to. But because of the way consent discussions are framed, this perspective is almost always neglected. In vers/switch sex (which is most sex) and vanilla sex this is still true, and the psychological effects can be just as painful.

Trauma informed sexual practices build on easing into conversation and setting up boundaries beforehand that allows the traumatized party to explore and rediscover their sexuality safely. For example, talking about their boundary setting issues with their partner(s) and making a plan of how each partner should act when issues are triggered during sex. This can for example to decide that it is the responsibility of the traumatized partner to say stop and if they don't then it is on them. This is different from the situation anon described because they don't seem to have made this agreement beforehand. With this type of agreement, the non traumatized partner knows that traumatized partner has taken on the responsibility of stopping and therefore won't necessarily have the same psychological effects on them (and if they agreed but didn't really want it that way, then that is on themselves).

Because consent is at the heart of this: anything is alright as long as you have discussed and agreed upon it beforehand. If you lie in a way that harms yourself, that's on you. If you lie in a way that harms your partner, that's also on you, but it's much worse because now you are crossing their boundaries as well as yours.

-mod liz

I wanna preface this by saying my partner is extremely sweet. I'm really scared to safeword whilst sex. We usually don't do any more than basic things and usually stick to vanilla stuff but sometimes I feel like stopping/taking a break (I get overwhelmed easily) and I feel really stupid for ever asking about it. I've never asked them to stop, though they've done it on their own a couple times because I started having a panick attack, but it makes me feel like a terrible person to ever ask them to stop/slow down

It sounds to me like you have issues asserting boundaries, and there’s no shame in that — it’s a common thing. What I’ve found effective when we have a hard time respecting and asserting our own boundaries is switching it up. Is it fair to your partner to continue past your boundaries? What do you think they feel like when this happens?

We usually make it out in our minds that letting somebody unknowingly cross our boundaries is a kindness to them — why spoil their fun? we think — but what we’re really doing is making ourselves unsafe partners. How would you feel if your partner told you that you’d been unwittingly crossing their boundaries and doing things they didn’t enjoy for some time now?

Because consent goes both ways, and if you cannot be clear with your boundaries and use safe words or ask to stop when these options are offered, I’m sorry to say but you’re not a safe partner to be with.

Sex is communication, plain and simple. So communicate about it, and if you’re not in a place where you can respect your partner enough to use your safe words, maybe you shouldn’t be having sex until you’re there.

-mod liz

#mod liz #consent #trauma mention #communication #boundaries #kink mention #queer

[sapphic-sex-ed]

I wanna preface this by saying my partner is extremely sweet. I'm really scared to safeword whilst sex. We usually don't do any more than basic things and usually stick to vanilla stuff but sometimes I feel like stopping/taking a break (I get overwhelmed easily) and I feel really stupid for ever asking about it. I've never asked them to stop, though they've done it on their own a couple times because I started having a panick attack, but it makes me feel like a terrible person to ever ask them to stop/slow down

It sounds to me like you have issues asserting boundaries, and there’s no shame in that — it’s a common thing. What I’ve found effective when we have a hard time respecting and asserting our own boundaries is switching it up. Is it fair to your partner to continue past your boundaries? What do you think they feel like when this happens?

We usually make it out in our minds that letting somebody unknowingly cross our boundaries is a kindness to them — why spoil their fun? we think — but what we’re really doing is making ourselves unsafe partners. How would you feel if your partner told you that you’d been unwittingly crossing their boundaries and doing things they didn’t enjoy for some time now?

Because consent goes both ways, and if you cannot be clear with your boundaries and use safe words or ask to stop when these options are offered, I’m sorry to say but you’re not a safe partner to be with.

Sex is communication, plain and simple. So communicate about it, and if you’re not in a place where you can respect your partner enough to use your safe words, maybe you shouldn’t be having sex until you’re there.

-mod liz

#mod liz #safe words #communication #consent #boundaries