saragreenlittleflowers

[saragreenlittleflowers]

[saragreenlittleflowers]

[saragreenlittleflowers]

[saragreenlittleflowers]

Some more “what’s in my bag” posts from flickr. We have always been the same…..

[saragreenlittleflowers]

17th c heart seal-matrices

[saragreenlittleflowers]

I ended up spending Easter by myself. I never cared about Easter until things with my family started to go the right way. While I lived in Italy, I often felt forced to join family gatherings and I didn't have the freedom to leave whenever I was full; we all had to stick together. I would often argue with my parents because of the big amount of food they would eat, which would against their health. I never felt I actually belonged, so I left. Then I embraced Buddhism and everything shifted, in some way. I couldn't live with anger any longer, and I didn't want to hate anyone. I started forgiving myself and my family and our relationship improved to the point that I actually enjoy spending time with them, I miss them deeply and I wished my holidays would last forever.

A few days ago, as I was busy shelving some books before opening time, I asked Mike whether he ever felt lonely. He said: "I don't, because my focus is other people, not myself". I keep this interaction close to my heart because Mike is double my age and he is my mentor. I believe in his words and I carry his knowledge with me at all times.

Yet, today I found myself all alone in bed with the classic feeling of impending doom that I encounter every time I am left alone with my thoughts, and I am so self-centred that I forget about meditating. Vic went to work, my housemates were outside London visiting their families. Midnight was meowing desperately asking for food. I stayed in bed for a long time, sending messages to friends and family and staring into the wall and the beautiful pale light coming from the window. While I believed that I could bear the weight of this deep need for connection, my father called me and, in reality, I barely kept myself together. I felt so lonely, but I was determined not to show him and I put up the best smiling face I could. After I hung up, I cried like a child, sobbing and hiding my face behind my hands.

So I went on with my day, dragging myself from one room to the other, until I decided that I wanted to cook something new and wonderful to make Vic happy, and that I wanted to finally tackle the spring cleaning. I planted tomatoes, changed a few bulbs, gifted some plants. I increasingly felt better, and Mike was right: we must think of others' happiness so we don't succumb to our demons.

Now more than ever I recognise my fears as they feel like siblings to me, with which I grew up and morphed at each step, and every day it seems like I find out something new about them. Today I recognised that I am still scared of London. I am terrified of sickness and I avoid gatherings because of such fear. I would love to see my friends more often, and yet I don't, because I am paralysed by the idea of not having enough money and also because I would never want to leave my safe, homely nest.

As I recognised the terror in my stomach, I stepped out my safety net to send a message to a new friend and ask whether they would like to visit a fair. I confirmed an appointment with another friend, we will go out on Thursday. And I am thinking of seeing another one, maybe for breakfast. I got myself a new pair of shoes, fresh bread and Italian sweets.

I am utterly angry at myself for violating my self-imposed safety rules, and so incredibly excited by the idea of listening to my friends' stories, old and new.

I can do this. It's okay to not love where we live, it's okay to miss our family. I can accept these feelings and move on. More things are to come.

❤️

#online diary #dear diary #diary #anxiety #social anxiety #you can do it #slowness #buddhism #friendship #love

[saragreenlittleflowers]

[saragreenlittleflowers]

[saragreenlittleflowers]

-Chinese Shadows, the Rabbit-

[saragreenlittleflowers]

2009-05-02

[saragreenlittleflowers]

Lunch Break at the Park.

Tamagawadaikouen.

Small Town Tokyo: Tamagawa

[saragreenlittleflowers]

Buddha of Bamiyan in Afghanistan before its destruction in 1992, Photo by Steve Mc Curry

[saragreenlittleflowers]

Some Bridget peets for your viewing pleasure. Happy Caturday!

[saragreenlittleflowers]

A Stop for Yakitori After Work

Small Town Tokyo: Gakugeidaigaku

[saragreenlittleflowers]

Possessions

[saragreenlittleflowers]

[saragreenlittleflowers]

Akiko Miyakoshi

Reading, 2009

みやこしあきこ