searching4paradise23

[searching4paradise23]

On this day, I felt like I was floating on air. 

#boudoir #Bisexual #confidence #boudouir #photography #confidenceshoot

[searching4paradise23]

I used to love how soothing this song was, until I recognized it that day right before I went under and it means sooo much more.

[searching4paradise23]

Letter to my ex

Dear You,

I write this fully knowing you wont read this. I write this wishing you could but I know it's better for us to stay as far away from each other as possible. A lot has been heavy on my mind. Most of my thoughts that haunt me are from my past and how I fell into my worse nightmare. We both wanted what was best. Things happened so fast. I am sorry.

I understand how frustrating it must have felt to not be able to fully disclose who I was. It was frustrating for me too. I made a choice to be with you even though we knew it was off limits. Our chemistry worked, in various ways. You knew the struggle and you wanted to make sure neither me or my daughter would experience that struggle. You wanted a partner who would motivate you to do great things, but the minute things felt off it feels like we both went off the rails. Unfortunately I didn't learn from my family's mistakes and I did not actively pursue a way to break this "generational curse" or whatever you wanna call it. I had selfish blinders on and became a shell of the person who intrigued you in the first place. That for sure was never my intention.

Thank you. I know I did not say it often. I still struggle with it today. I still struggle to voice my emotions in a healthy manner and establish safe boundaries. I can't imagine how you must feel. After the last time we spoke, things have changed. I know you probably heard that I was selected for the promotion I really really wanted and then decided to still leave that career behind.  As much as I was frustrated with things at times, we both know how hard of a decision that was for me. I'm doing alright. Going to school and therapy every two weeks. I have not been consistent with my mental health goals but I figured this was a good way to get you out of my system.

Anyways..

Although I understand why you would have felt those emotions, it still doesn't forgive the things that transpired between us in those last couple of months. The physicality of it all.. was brutal. You knew you didn't have to do all those things. You knew I didn't want to have sex that night and yet you proceeded while I just laid there, paralyzed, stunned, and exhausted from all the mind games we threw back and forth. And that day, I got pregnant. And I didn't know until weeks and weeks later when I noticed I missed my period and I was constipated out of my mind. I remember finding out on a Sunday night after I put my daughter to sleep. I went and got tested in the bathroom and I laid on my bed crying and defeated. This cannot be happening to me. Not only have I become the person I hate the most and experiencing some intense emotional and physical abuse, but I was pregnant and making preparations to separate so I can be far away from you.

I know how much you wanted your own child. The way you were with my daughter was great. You loved her as if she was yours and so did your family. I wanted to give you a child. Trust me. I wanted my lil girl to be a big sister. I wanted it but I knew that I needed to distance myself from you and I could not have handled carrying a child who will constantly remind me of that night. They were not conceived from love. That would not have been fair to anyone if I had kept it. The day of our last encounter, I was hoping and praying that you didn't find out. I knew it would destroy you and I did not do it to be hateful towards you. I did it because logically, it would not have worked for anyone. And it was the hardest decision of my life. I have been so fucked up in the head that I didn't really realize what happened until I was sitting in a chair getting woken up and told to text my chaperone to come help me get to the car. The minute I stepped out of that clinic, I sobbed. I was embarrassed, remorseful, hurt....I always said I don't think I could have possibly gotten an abortion unless certain circumstances are met, and they were.

I spent the rest of that day in bed crying and sleeping. Hoping you wouldn't randomly show up while I was gone "camping". Fuck, I can't even believed I went to those lengths to do all that. Our last day together, I had basically given up. I knew I broke you just as much, maybe even more, as you broke me. I was numb and preparing myself to face the music because that's what you told me. Karma is a bitch. I took a life, you wanted to take mine. But I couldn't let that happen. And for some reason you didn't do it. I hope that moment was your "oh shit" moment. Much like the one I experienced weeks prior but failed to properly act on due to fear. I still carry that fear with me. I still carry every insult I received and that I delivered. I still carry that feeling of being less than trash because of my actions. At times, I still feel like I'm 2 inches tall. I can't seem to let you go. Our relationship was a hurricane. Everything happened fast. Started rough and ended rougher. But the eye of the storm sure was beautiful, huh?

I wish circumstances would have been different from the get go but we all know that the past can't really be changed. I want you to know that there are times where I find myself blaming you for a majority of my current problems. That isn't fair. I carry the blame for what I did in our relationship. My choice to leave was mine and was sped up by the fear of me losing everything in bad taste. There's times I think of you and I feel hurt and embarrassed by how we handled everything. There's time where I think back to when things were good. Don't have any more pictures or videos since I deleted a lot of them. It sucks doing that. Knowing that so many things could have gone better if I would've stepped up to the plate and changed. I guess what I am saying again is that I'm sorry for the trauma I caused you

#wishyoucouldreadthis #letterforyou #im sorry #im not sorry #chaos #its been a while #emotionalabuse #abuseisreal #survivor #the strugge is real

[searching4paradise23]

Finally Free.

#grungy style #dread locks #grunge #boots #dreads #short

[searching4paradise23]

July 10,2020

Sorry I never finished elaborating on my ex boyfriend, but now I;m forced to give a bit of a summary because this story pertains to him. 

     We met at a party but didn’t start talking until months later when me and my then husband decided to go our separate ways. First two months were awesome, even took me to six flags and booked a pretty luxurious hotel for us during fourth of July weekend and it basically was the best time ever. A week after that weekend, we went out of a friend’s birthday and since no one knew we were dating, he got extremely upset that I was going around our group of friends and talking to everyone as to not show favoritism. This led to him having a meltdown where he tried to drag me out of the club to go home. Later he called stating he got out of an uber and was thinking of jumping off the highway bridge. Fast forward a bit into that night where he ended up hospitalized and when I went in to see him, he said he had zero respect for me and that everything that happened was my fault and topped it off by spitting on me. Later on throughout the relationship (yes I stayed, I know) things were pretty chill except I would get the occasional comment about why don’t I dress differently or “If you don’t do this for me, then I’ll call my other girlfriend to do it” type of comments. Those always left me feeling terrible about myself to the point that I contemplated suicide one day because I felt as I can never make a relationship work. One day after about six months in, I found out that he was snooping through my phone to see if I was texting anyone or looking for a way out of the relationship. This prompted me to snoop and I found out he was talking to some girl for about three months. This led to a huge argument and I was trying to kick him out of the house but somehow he talked me into not breaking up. This phase didn’t last long because he started making more and more comments about my appearance or my actions, specially calling me a terrible mother. One day back in March, he started to openly speak ill in regards to the father of my child and I fought back because NOBODY speaks ill about the father of my child. SPECIALLY after her dad was soo accommodating when it came to shifting our visitation schedules due to emergencies or trips he always suggested. That night ended with him putting a loaded gun to his head in my closet and me having to talk him out of doing anything, then me taking apart the gun and hiding pieces around my house. All of this happened while my then 2 year old was asleep in her room. Safe to say, a restraining order came into play and well I thought that was it.

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!

   My dumbass texted him a month into the restraining order because I was having an issue with my car tires and I wanted to see if he remembered which ones I recently bought. One thing led to another and we were hanging out in secret. A ton of emotions flooded me because I was feeling so good while we were separated and I though I was grown enough to handle bullshit and help him out. The arguing started up again, this time it was more like on a weekly basis and I do have to take responsibility because most of the shit started because I though I still cared for him romantically but I actually didn’t so I kept kinda breaking his heart until he legit broke. After me explaining and apologizing time and time again and stating that I think it’s better if we just never talk to each other, the switch in his brain got set to revenge. He wanted me to feel as shitty as he did so he would threaten me saying that he would tell m kid’s dad that him and I are talking so that way my ex could take full custody. He would force me to hang out when I really didn’t want to and would throw a huge fit when I said I didn’t want to be intimate.  

      Point is, we kept going back and forth being nice and cordial to him throwing a tantrum because I wouldn’t act as I was in love with him. But July 10th....went to a different level...

      The plan for that day was that I was to go to his place to eat, play the switch, shave some body hair in prep for our massages the next day, and just take it easy. I knew something bad was going to happen the minute I walked in because he forcefully grabbed me and kissed me. After that awkward entrance, I pretended to act as if it didn’t bother me and we talked about our work life. We ordered food and were about to go and pick it up when he said he heard a rumor that I was sleeping around with my coworkers and said “you can say whatever you want about what I heard, I wont believe you.” So please, anyone tell me, how would you react if you hear such accusations and then are told that whatever you say it’s a lie. So I got upset and said that those rumors are false and I can’t believe he would say that out of nowhere and assume it was true. So in true me fashion I tried to keep quiet as to not make matters worse. We got n the car to go pick up food and he was purposefully driving like a maniac to scare me. He wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say and while he was getting angrier he kept saying it was all MY fault. I didn’t want to stay quiet after hearing that and that was when he lost complete control.

      We were five minutes away from his apartment and he’s still yelling at me and out of nowhere, he punched me straight on my jaw. Immediately I froze and started to tear up. I never thought I could break someone to this point. All I could think of was of him saying how much he loved me but yet he straight up punched me in the face. Keep in mind, I’m 5′1 and 130 pounds, hes 5′10 and about 185 who lifts a decent amount so that punch was rough. We pulled up to the parking lot and he kept yelling and I didn’t want to cause a scene so I said lets just go inside and started to get out of the car when he grabbed my arm and dragged me back into the car, hitting my head on the car on the way in. I was scared at this point. I had to make a choice, either I stay quiet and not do anything and just see what happens, or do I try and fight back in some way shape or form the next time he goes for a hit just in case it escalates to the point where a coroner is in there determining time of death, they can at least say I died fighting for my life. So we’re inside eating and I’m not eating as much because my face hurts from getting punched and it hurt to chew. To be 100% honest, I don’t remember exactly what our exchange of words were. It might have been something along the lines of me saying that I don’t ever want to be in a relationship with him and that I do not love him , but that was enough for him to slap me..repeatedly. Then I kept saying how I wanted to just leave before things got worse, so he hid my car keys and my phone. This made me mad so I repeated my statement on how I don’t love him and I would rather be at home. That is when he first started to choke me....

     I always knew that strangling someone takes a ton of time and effort so its usually committed by a very passionate person. He was feeling extremely passionate that day because I have never feared for my life before. I can still remember the feeling of him grabbing my throat and squeezing until I could barely move. Obviously, I freaked and started asking why tf would he do this if he claims to love me. His reason is because I’ve hurt him so many times and he couldn’t contain his anger anymore so he wanted to take it out. After that answer, I knew I needed to leave so I walked out and tried to get away as fast as possible but I wasn’t successful and he got me back. I was so scared and mentally prepared to fight back that at one point I said I started feeling repulsed by him after the last time I stayed the night and I said I didn’t want to have ex, yet as I was falling asleep, he grabbed me and decided he would take care of his business anyways. Yup....so because I called him out on it, ie called him a rapist, that led to another, longer rampage. This time started by him cutting up my sweatshirt, then he pushed me on the bed and was commanding me to get him ready for sex. Since I refused, he grabbed me, pushed and pulled me against the walls and when I eventually landed on the floor, he climbed on me and started choking me again. This time harder and longer. and when he let me go, the first thing I said was “now your a rapist and a woman beater, good job expanding your resume”. He then grabbed some scissors, cut up my shirt, then stepped on my abdomen instead of stepping around me, oh yeah then he wanted to show me what a “real rapist” would do. We wrestled and he managed to pull my pants down to my ankles, he then grabbed by underwear and ripped it off of me. He was clearly doing everything as a power move so I knew he wasn’t going to try and penetrate me, but I was wrong. Instead he let his hands do the work. I was mortified. 

      He then tossed me back on his bed and I desperately tried to cover myself so I didn’t feel so exposed. Instead he pinned me down, spread my shirt wide open and talked about how disgusting I am. Again, this is coming from someone who “loves me”. He kinda calmed down after that but I kept demanding for my stuff so I could just leave and so things wouldn’t continue to escalate. But that wasn’t the case. I noticed that he choked me so hard that I was bruising. All  could say to myself at that moment was that I need to fight, I need to yell, I need to run or else next time it just won’t be a bruise. I tried to manged to thread a lil lighter, but still demand that I would be let out because this was excessive. He then would push me into the bath tub and turn the water on and demanded I’d shower under his supervision. I stood my ground and said no until he left me alone for a few seconds. I could tell he was exhausted but was still upset and all I wanted was to find my car keys and go home. Point it, similar events repeated, mostly it was more grabbing and throwing and slapping. At one point he was begging me to hit him, and I refused. After a couple of attempts to grab a phone and lock myself in a bathroom failed, he choked me again and said next time, he would grab a knife. After some negotiation, he let me go into a bathroom to pee and i locked the doors against his wishes. He broke into one of the doors with a knife in his hand. I was petrified and told myself that I had to make a run for it. He was sitting there and I said I would take a shower in that bathroom, but i needed my toiletry bag. He didn’t follow me out so I casually grabbed my wallet (since its all I could find) and ran out the door as fast as I could. I didn’t go too far because I figured he would find me if I was walking the streets, so i hid behind a stairwell. After I stood there for about 10 minutes, I knew I had to find a way to contact someone. I was too afraid to go knocking on random people’s doors because we’ve all heard stories about people who pretend theyre hurt and then rob you. Instead I sat on the stairs on the second floor until a female tenant walked out and asked if I was okay. I told her I was hiding from someone and she kindly let me in and helped me calm down and bandaged a couple of wounds I didn’t know I had. We talked for a good 30 minutes or so until I decided to call my own phone to be able to get my stuff back. She said I could go,and gave me a taser on my way out.

     Once I went back to his place, he was completely enraged because he had been looking everywhere for me and I just demanded to get my stuff back. He refused and I was so sick of everything that the minute he turned his back to me, i tased him and he barely reacted....that scared me soo much because I knew he could easily over power me and take it. Which he did. He tased my arm and my neck....

I think that was the last of the physical abuse. We calmed down enough to where he gave my stuff back and I went home to try and feel safer. 

#abuseisreal #fighter #secretshurt #long reads #bad relationships #know your worth

[searching4paradise23]

2020 update

Clearly it’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on here (not like anyone else is tracking or anything) but I find it kinda cool that I can look back at this time to time. Well, my loving husband and I got a divorce. I now have a three year old daughter who I absolutely adore. But I mostly wanted to talk about my most recent relationship. 

I met my ex at one of my coworkers going away party. I introduced myself to him because I was going to start working with him soon and my friend was eyeing him all night and since she was single, I kept telling her to go for it. Eventually she did lol  and well I kinda forgot about him, Then I got to the unit....and I rarely saw him....until I started going out more often on the weekends because my marriage was falling apart and well one night I saw him at the club. I managed to talk to him and I spilled the beans on how my personal life was going and we kinda hit it off from there. 

It wasn’t until the day that my ex-husband and I agreed that we wanted to separate that I got the courage to text him and told him to meet me at that exact club. Thanks to my newly found freedom and the amount of drinks in my system, I asked him to take me to his place and well, adult things happened. I woke up and kinda snuck out of his apartment because I assumed that he was the kind of guy who just hits it and quits it, plus I didn’t want anything serious. 

But he texted me. He still wanted to get to know me....keep in mind, this guy is pretty much the exact opposite of my ex-husband. I was awe struck that he took such and interest in me since it was pretty obvious that we were opposites. He took me out on a proper date and eventually planned a trip to California for us on the fourth of July. That weekend was probably the most amazing time I’ve had on a date with someone...hands down. But right after that weekend, we were out for a birthday party and since no one in our group knew that we were dating, he got jealous that I was talking with all of my guy friends.This led to the first red flag.....

He left the club after dragging me outside with him and one of our other friends intervened so that I could go back to enjoying the night and he got in an uber to go back to my place. Apparently he got out of the uber while on the highway and was blowing up my phone telling me that he was going to jump off a bridge and me being drunk and helpless, I called the first shirt. By the time I called them, another number called and it turns out the cops found him and restrained him on the highway bridge. One of the officers asked me if he was threatening to kill himself and I was so scared that I said yes and well, there he went. They had him at a hospital until they could transfer him to a mental hospital. But me being me, I went to go see him before he got transferred and when I showed up he got naked, called me every name in the book and spat on me....100% disrespect. BUT I FUCKING STAYED!!!!!!!!!!

Part 2 will be posted tomorrow...

#update #abuseisreal #emotionalabuse

[searching4paradise23]

Boudoir Shoot in Hawaii 2019. 

Maybe posting these will motivate me to lose the weight I gained thanks to my most recent relationship.... also kinda mad that my tag was out the entire time lol

#boudoir #photoshoot #lingerie #hawaii

[searching4paradise23]

Changes...

Since the last time I logged in here a ton has changed. The guy who I was stuck in a situationship is now my husband. We acquired two dogs and I even had a baby girl. Even with all of those changes, some things stay the same. I still feel a tiny black cloud occasionally sneaking up on me and making my mind race 1,000 miles per hour and making me regret my decisions. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my daughter and the family I have built with my husband, but I just wish that a few small things could be different. Specially the whole part of my existence where I don’t want to exist anymore. But even though I’m sure my family can do well without me, I don’t want my daughter to blame herself for the actions my mind wants me to take. I guess my rant is over for now. CHEERS!

#changes #its been a while

[searching4paradise23]

Being an adult sucks....

Just in the past month and a half I've dealt with everything from love to the extreme, to sorrow and thoughts of ending it all. But i think what sucks the most is that as an adult, you kinda have to keep it together and not bat an eye

[searching4paradise23]

The fuckery.. Seriously. Be real & honest and CONSISTENT with it! #missMeWithThat #situationship #fckThat

[searching4paradise23]

The danger of being in a situationship: there are no expectations. So when he does something to upset you, or you him, the victim either has to bite his or her tongue, because you technically don’t belong to each other, or someone has to break it off to salvage peace, happiness, and sanity. 

On Situationships, The Black Collegian

Life Lessons

[searching4paradise23]

That my friend is what love is. & when you lose it

[searching4paradise23]

~”Everything is dark”

[searching4paradise23]

I think what hurts the most is when you’re under the impression that someone cares for you more than they actually do. Being lied to is easy; finding out the truth is nearly barbaric.

(via horridlyyhabituall)

[searching4paradise23]

[searching4paradise23]

Love suffers long, and is kind. It is not proud. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. 

[searching4paradise23]

“No matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who’s gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump.”