sentimentalmachine

[sentimentalmachine]

i think there's something so beautiful about postcards and how they say that yes i was in this beautiful place but i still couldn't stop thinking about you

#i have a photo album i put all my postcards in and write little notes about where they came from #most of them are just ones i bought for myself though #the one little memento i can afford that doesn't take up space to remember places i've enjoyed visiting

[sentimentalmachine]

[sentimentalmachine]

hey astrid

[sentimentalmachine]

These pictures make me realize how actually exhausted I am, but outfit of the day! I was really excited to put this look together, and have recently gotten inspiration for a few other looks to wear soon. I've been pretty down with everything at work and school lately, but putting together these new looks really helped boost my spirit.

[sentimentalmachine]

Vintage photo: Cat with Carnation flower.

[sentimentalmachine]

one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

#this explains a lot actually #literally my entire life has been juggling how to keep my parents happy #how i have to notice every little thing and adjust what i say and do to keep them from loosing it #i've gotten a lot better at not over analyzing every interacting the past several years #but especially now that my parents are aging the need to take care of them and keep them as happy sane and safe as possible is just getting #stronger

[sentimentalmachine]

Autumn forest path - Adlerweg, Tirol, Austria, October 2022

photo by: nature-hiking

[sentimentalmachine]

2017 Paris

[sentimentalmachine]

us! united by our ribbon stalk!

[sentimentalmachine]

#my neighbor totoro <3 #it will always mean so much to me and be so dear to my heart #several others of these i feel strongly for but something about totoro is extra special

[sentimentalmachine]

Relatable: trying to take a nice photo with an uncooperative cat. 1923. Source.

[sentimentalmachine]

'Cynthia and the Unicorn' by Leonard Weisgard, 1967

[sentimentalmachine]

I haven't posted myself wearing lolita here for a long time

[sentimentalmachine]

adhd will have you fighting for your life to do beloved hobbies that bring you nothing but joy

[sentimentalmachine]

[sentimentalmachine]

河津桜。もう葉桜ですね。

[sentimentalmachine]

(SCAN) Red Velvet - The 3rd Full Album ‘CHILL KILL’ Photobook Ver.