My Music Rankings (2/15/19)
Let’s try this again. Hi. Nice to meet you. This is a song ranking post 
Let us get some honorable mentions up in here first:
Deal with the devil by Tia ( https://open.spotify.com/track/2qEIVphvwMEkE35CXxdWAT?si=2ZHB9PK8SduIm3wDPv5Pxg ) - I can’t unsee Kakegurui’s opening when hearing this, which is a good thing. A very fun song.
[some text I can’t copy-paste] by PASSEPIED ( https://open.spotify.com/track/3YRkEWUsxgcv0TXunuFXaG?si=4VzYHLBlQeGiw5THs2bSrA ) - Always boosts my energy. Love getting this one during a bike ride. 
Reactive Factory: Work It Out by SEGA ( https://open.spotify.com/track/1zJBs1tPQAc0IJ5aSHVnjX?si=nww_-g8NTgWie1F9tt9thw ) - Song from Sonic R. It has the same charm that the whole OST has, but oddly enough, it’s also is one of the most inspiring video-game songs I’ve heard, and I really like it for that.
Rude Buster by Toby Fox ( https://open.spotify.com/track/322mgWaD4DetiHmoDVlwWc?si=SoDkJjx7RnuFFNaSqphxOQ ) - It’s Toby Fox
Field of Hopes and Dreams by Toby Fox ( https://open.spotify.com/track/2W90IO8eRnFg1qsPunKm9B?si=YxbGoJzuRky4qVuF7KId-Q ) - It’s Toby Fox
Light on the Land by Nujabes ( https://open.spotify.com/track/2rUaktaAxshyPzIdAKzk1Y?si=7qKXNsFfTGagN41Zkii6RQ ) - It’s Nujabes. Good for long nights.
Osaka by Magic Circuit & Nyanners ( https://open.spotify.com/track/4vt9IeeqPgmCh5E34rlJe0?si=_XXb1Y7_ToWF_2aYTQr9Xg ) - There’s is not one part of this song I don’t enjoy. The lyrics, the singing, the tone, the notes, everything. This can easily jump into the ranks soon.
Current Top 10 Pieces of Music of All Time Of the Month:
10: [some text I can’t copy-paste] by ORESAMA ( https://open.spotify.com/track/1u3VGSAE8RfSGS4u0BPyRh?si=VGGjQKQmSc6Y1jdtd5rBzA ) - This song is catchy and has so much personality... Plus, I can’t help think of Kirby and the Crystal Shards when I hear it, which is a great thing.
9: Darling by Tsundere Alley ( https://open.spotify.com/track/4q3vvu59rykZqQiOVW0lcj?si=MNwdqQD1QXuFqtBe7_vIUg ) - What am I hearing and why do I like it so much?...
8: Feather by Nujabes ( https://open.spotify.com/track/2ej1A2Ze6P2EOW7KfIosZR?si=nUB6iAifSMCMY0Gv93v-Fw ) - It’s Nujabes
7. Believe in Myself by AmaLee ( https://open.spotify.com/track/541NKK4h7UJgbdMbaccdiC?si=Y-m5lOD4QpSkpdx0IaVgSA ) - Boost your confidence. This song is an easy way to get through some hard days.
6: Life Will Change (P5) by AmaLee & Atlus ( https://open.spotify.com/track/6EC3QOcBWE1AMg6xdYMskY?si=5zbzDk0CRNOnIQYK_gq8pQ ) - My favorite song in Persona 5. One of the only songs that I’ll almost always sing in its entirety when I hear it (alone, of course). AmaLee is a legendary cover-artist.
5. Asteroid by GARNiDELiA ( https://open.spotify.com/track/28PF5hmg7Gc8s1dXe2Cqnp?si=z6NyTGXZQnyHIwoaEIrAXw ) - A classic for me at this point. On good days, it’s an enjoyable, good song. On bad days, the desperate tone of the song makes it quite more intense for me. Love it.
4. Bullet Waiting for Me (James Landino Remix) by Nikki Simmons (  https://open.spotify.com/track/7zPc0e7TrM8SyBa8753Kvd?si=HuWwLJ7FTOC5H3JtlGJ2dQ ) - A lovely song. A tad bit short.
3. Witch by Magic Circuit & Nyanners ( https://open.spotify.com/track/0xZWbHZcY41nnsDiyBVxUF?si=GrHojVTvSryMA-5r5xqXBQ ) - Witch is something incredibly special to me. The first time I heard this song was while I was mowing the lawn and had Spotify on some random-setting. When the singer began to sing, I felt very urged to hit the skip button and move on to the next song. But I gave the song a chance. With every listen since then, I liked the song more until I started to love it. At first, I did not understand the song’s meaning; I did not notice the parts of the song that now make me love it. The lyrics also hit me deep. Regardless of my mood, this song can make me teary 50% of the time. Also, this song is sung by Nyanners!! 
2.Colorful World by Seira Kariya ( https://open.spotify.com/track/4vQIktmFEmQAfxxuZHGPEf?si=9NQs53FMRWa7XbJWwVlE0A ) - An absolute banger. One of the best songs that I’ve ever heard, for sure. It just forces joy upon you. 
1: Wandering by A_rival ( https://open.spotify.com/track/5GyQ9UXSXhzmNJPhAQYYTY?si=w0X8YQnLQ5SYEgWcxTJ1PA ) - A great song that I refuse to ever get tired of. I will never not sing this while driving.
What absolutely shocking results. Were you as enticed as I was? Now, here’s some exclusive commentary on these results:
I can clearly distinguish the different tiers/levels in these rankings, levels that I don’t see any of the songs moving easily to or from. 9, 10 and every song not on this list that I like are in their own “enjoyable” tier. They’re nice. Then, we have 6, 7 and 8 in a tier above them. I don’t see many songs under this tier that I can see myself loving more than something like Feather or Life Will Change. That’s a challenge. Above that is 4 and 5. The songs in this tier or better are what I consider legendary songs, songs that I do not see myself ever getting tired of or forgetting about. However, there’s a clear distinction between 4 & 5 and 1,2&3. This last tier are SSS-tier songs, unforgettable classics that I will always love and be excited to hear come up, whether I’m driving, biking or just listening the music. 
Now onto comments on specific songs. Bullet Waiting for Me just barely out-ranked Asteroid. This was a song that came out of nowhere and became an instant favorite of mine. However, I could see it falling down the ranks based on how short the song is relative to how long I want the song to be. For now, I placed it where I think it should be, but we’ll see in the future if that changes.
Witch is by-far the song that I am most emotionally invested in. I love it so much, and yet, I don’t consider it do be at the same level as Colorful World and Wandering... yet.. I definitely can see my feelings on this song relative to the others change as time goes on.. But for now, I see both Colorful World and Wandering to be perfect songs, no blemishes. I wouldn’t say the same about Witch, even if I love it. We’ll see though.
While Colorful World may just be the happiest song I’ve ever had the pleasure of hearing, Wandering has been and continues to be the most absolute classic for me. Colorful World causes immense joy, but Wandering makes me want to sing as loud as I can, something no other song causes me to do.
Well, that’s it! Hope you enjoyed some of this music and wasting your time! Until next time.
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Becoming happy (2/20/18)
Alright, I’m done feeling like trash all of the time and hating myself each and every day. I’m going to change. No more failures, no more cycles of fake motivation and self-hatred. 
Every single time I’ve failed, where I’ve just given up, where I was too scared to continue; they’re all in the past. They’re no longer relevant and they don’t define me or my future. I was too scared to go to the last career fair of my college education. That doesn’t matter anymore, there are other ways of nailing an internship. I failed a class last semester because I couldn’t get myself to do the final project. That won’t happen again. 
This is a clean slate, a new starting point. 
No more falling back into the same spot every other week. No more hours of time dedicated to YouTube or Twitch or Imgur or Reddit. Removed those apps from my phone. Blocking them from my computer. 
The next time I feel that inhibiting anxiety, that amount of stress that stops me from starting something, I’ll overcome it. I’ll take as much time as necessary to do this. I will not look for distractions any more. I’m over that garbage. 
If I regress, I’ll come back to this post. I’ll try hard to not forget the feelings I had prior to and during the writing of it. 
No more being miserable. I’m in control here
I need to keep progress. Here are my goals for this week:
- Be caught up with school assignments (all late-homework is submitted, due homework has been started)
- Catch up in the classes that I’ve skipped
- Work each day on my big project
- Work hard Thursday and Friday
- Have a productive weekend
- Every feeling of sadness or anger or hate is there only for a minute. Force myself to bounce back.
- Accomplish the two stressful tasks I’ve been avoiding.
- No distractions
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Music of the Month (02/18)
It seems that I always have different favorite songs and pieces of music every month. I wanted to establish an ever growing list of these songs, but for now, a monthly post could be cool.
These are my top 2 tracks that I’ve been listening to this month:
A song that came out of nowhere. I probably haphazardly listened to it in my discover weekly, thought it sounded fine, added it to my main playlist and forgot about it. During a rough morning, it popped on while I was driving and I ended up tearing up from the intensity I wasn’t expecting. I’d like to say that lyrics that are in a different language that you don’t understand give a different aspect to its song. The song doesn’t have an overall message or story if you don’t understand it. All it is a bunch of syllables being spoken by a person. The song then relies on how the person sings it and how the listener hears them, and GARNiDELiA’s singer (and the song itself) nails a lot emotions. Regardless of what the actual lyrics are, Asteroid is a big motivational-song for me, one whose message to me is to reach for hope, and has brought upon cathartic moments while I’m driving more than once. A solid song that I knew would be in this list the instant I heard it.
A song that I connect with. Unlike Asteroid, this song is actually in English, and everything, the lyrics, the talented signer and the music itself, it’s all what makes this song so beautiful. I wouldn’t say that I actually understand what the song is trying to convey, but the lyrics line-by-line are very relatable. I guess I can’t hear “wandering into eternity” without seeing myself just trying to find my way  through life day after day. Of course, this way of thinking is negative, while the song mentions a paradise being met and being free through wandering, so it’s clear my thinking isn’t the same. I love trying to figure out what the song is trying to say, and even if I’m not making the right ideas, this song is such a banger with the strong, clean vocals, I just want to sing along whenever its on.
Not-top extra tracks:
SMILE (surprisingly strong song on overcoming sadness) 
Danganronpa - Ultimate Mix (the only DR remix I need)
Intergalatic Disco (what a banger, jeez)
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Hopes 1
I want to live on a large fenced plot of land, any house on that land suffices. I want to have a great number of dogs, probably ten or higher, that’ll live on the plot with me. Ideally, they would be able to enter/leave my house whenever they want to, leaving them to enjoy their own lives as they see fit, whether it be constantly outside or constantly inside. I also would want this plot of land to be part farm, with chickens, cows, pigs and other animals. No butchering. Just letting them live their own lives too, even if they’d be very simple lives. I’d be happy to make my life being the manager of these beings’ lives. 
Another thing I want is to have my own library/bookstore cross. I’m a collector of books as it is, and know an easy way of getting tons of books cheap ($10 for 20-40 books of varying quality (found a $100+ book for 50 cents last year)). Due to these cheap prices of the books, I’d be able to sell at a lower price than other sellers and still turn a profit (a win for the client, a win for me). I’d like to extend this library/bookstore to an online store (probably through Amazon), and act as a distributor of very cheap books.
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Meandering 2
It’s been a few months or so since my first post, and over that time I’ve gone through the familiar cycle of serious self-loathing and short-lived motivation spikes a few times. I’ve considered many topics for potential posts since the first. Any time I began thinking about something deeply, including simple, insignificant things, feelings of motivation, feelings of sadness, etc, I’ve felt, “that would make a good post” (and in this regard, I’ve once again been focused more on the appearance of things (”that would make a good post to read!!”) rather than the actual things themselves (maybe that all doesn’t make sense)). I’ve been swinging back and forth between hopeful thinking and google searching “why shouldn’t I end my life” every one to two weeks now.
I reread my first post, and as I thought, it came across as super needy, excessive in regards to depression and seemed to have the goal of getting someone’s pity (as does this one) . But I don’t really think I said anything I don’t agree with now, I guess. I didn’t really explain my feelings or their origin, so I should try to.
I’ve never done anything with my life. Essentially everything I’ve ever done (I’m basically referring to school tasks here, since I’ve been in school all of my life) has been a rushed, passionless point in my life. I’ve not once worked hard on anything, there’s nothing that I am proud of (do not take this as a “I don’t need to work hard on anything to get it done and succeed”, I’m not successful in any means and am barely making it by in school). Why haven’t I? I’d say the reason is a severe problem with my brain and my emotions. Any time I get a school assignment that needs time and actual effort to complete, I hesitate to start it. I feel some kind of anxiety every time. This anxiety is enough to “prevent” me from starting, until hours before the actual due date (but is it this anxiety that prevents me, or is it simply an easy-to-accept excuse to say that this issue is the reason for my failings, and not me?).
I personally wouldn’t be upset having an entire life where I accomplish nothing, where I watch Internet content, enjoy living with my dogs and die one day. That sounds a lot better than things are now. Maybe even if that means having a shitty easy job and giving up living a “higher-class” life (I wouldn’t say high-class, but I have enough expensive stuff that I wouldn’t be able to have otherwise). But nope, gotta make that real money by going to school, despite the fact that I’ll still be unqualified for practically every job in my field. “Oh yeah, just go get an internship, that’s easy for no-experienced people.” Except for the fact that the only internship that seemed interested in me wanted a 2-hour technical interview with a group of people. I have a suspicion that their expectations are just as high as an actual job. Speaking of that 2-hour interview, the day I learned of it, I dipped the hell out of that possible internship. Didn’t tell my parents though!! Cool, right? Nothing like constantly disappointing your parents behind their backs and having them convinced everything is alright. Wonder how much they’d hate me if they knew I did that. (My parents are way too forgiving, so instead of hate, it would more closely be disappointment).
Every time I fail to change myself from my lazy loser self, it hurts so much. It makes me want to cry. I end up hating myself and telling myself that I don’t deserve anything (which I don’t for my lack of trying), that I deserve to feel terrible. If this happens on an assignment that I’m working in a group on, it makes me disgusted in myself and scared to show my face to any of my group. But that doesn’t stop me from doing it again and again. 
It happened over the entire last weekend. Was supposed to get research done for the group. Didn’t happen. Got a text regarding that research. Didn’t respond. With this happening for like the third time already for this group assignment, an assignment I told my group I would increase my involvement in, I googled a suicidal question again.
I’m fucking lost and I just want it (my life) to be over. 
But, do I really want to improve my life, feel happy again??? I can end this right now by telling my parents how bad things are again. They’d be sad, but they could help me find a stable spot. I could improve the situation by taking heed to those endless numbers of suicide prevention hotline signs and actually talk to someone about this. I could go to my school’s wellness center and spill the beans. Or I can just fucking do research when I need to do research. 
These are things that I don’t think will ever happen. Why wouldn’t I take one of these avenues? Am I masochist addicted to my own negative emotions? Am I taking pleasure in the potential pity (self-pity?) that I get from googling “why shouldn’t I kill myself?” It’s not like I get anything from actually searching something like that up. Is it a reach for help to someone who doesn’t exist? I don’t know what I’m doing or why. It’s all become a cycle that my body just follows. 
Note: Take this as you will, but I have never done or tried to do any self-harm besides slaps to my face and punches to my legs (both out of frustration) despite having suicidal thoughts. Consider this if you’re worried about this post being a sign of something unfortunate. I don’t see myself being the thing to end my own life.
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Meandering 1
Have you ever felt so many things that you feel like you just have to write it out, and that it would be amazing, book-worthy, entrancing? Then you get to writing and it takes a long while to get anything typed out and it’s boring, attention-seeking and written to impress and grab emotion instead of just express the truth? Kind of like what’s happening to me right now and always has.
Anyways, there’s no real point in talking about that. Also, hi, this should be used for something, so an introduction would be good. I’m a ~20 or so year-old person who has been living for years of just constant sadness and living a life of pointlessness. I’m only making these posts in hopes of something coming out of this, kind of like making an investment. Whether that result may be a friend to connect with or some kind of alleviation from releasing what’s in my mind. But I’m becoming more convinced I just want someone to be with, not for romantics or even for talking, just for some kind of connection. Though I’m not sure who would read any of this anyways.. Probably a lot of my posts will be about my sadness and issues that lead me to believe I’m a hopeless cause. But I want to also make posts about myself besides that gloomy shtuff. 
Regardless of how edgy this turns out, I just want to express myself truly for much. It’s easy to want to do something and prevent yourself because you think it’s too edgy or immature or you think you’re just doing it for attention. With time I’m deciding to just say what I think is true, not what sounds better to the ear or anything.  
It’s nice to meet you. I figure it’s a good idea to introduce myself. I’m a guy in my twenties. I’m still in college, learning computer science. The things I like to do include being with my dogs, collecting books, riding my bike, playing smash, watching video games being played and watching anime. 
My biggest hobby besides wasting time online is shopping at thrift stores to collect computer-science books. My favorite games as of late are those in the Danganronpa series (besides UDG which was pretty darn bad) and Smash Bros. Melee. I haven’t played or seen any other games in a while, but other favorites include anything popular for the Nintendo 64 and the GameCube. My favorite anime is Oregairu. The comedic but semi-serious first season and the emotional second season were both beautifully done, and I can’t help myself from loving every part of that show. Currently, I’m trucking through the Monogatari series. For television shows, all I can say is that the only shows I really care about are Bojack Horseman and Moral Orel. I’m sure there are others I have forgotten about. I spend most of my time watching streams on twitch, videos on youtube or watching anime on some shady websites.
Besides these things, I ought to describe myself. I don’t have many good qualities, a huge reason why I’m making these posts to begin with. I’m not fit, I’m not smart, I’m not well-spoken, I’m not nice, I’m always anxious, I’m always wasting time, I don’t have motivation, I always mess up, I never get anywhere with anything, and I’d rather not be alive most of the time. I’m pretty messed up, and have been since middle school. But I’m still alive. I’m new to tumblr so I don’t know how any of this works really.
 If you’d like to introduce yourself to me, that’d be cool, I’ll be glad to meet you. I’m always alone and I don’t know how to talk to people, I’m actually quite concerned that I’d have no idea what to say to anyone that messages me. But I figure I should at least try to make friends or at least connections to people. I’m a little scared that I’ll end up being selfish and not care about other people, something that’s been happening more often. 
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