sexinamsterdam

[sexinamsterdam]

Astronaut Dr Kathy Sullivan just became the first?!!!!!!!!! women to reach the bottom of the Earth

What the acutal fuck. That was my first response to this statment. Given the last one and a half year when I reached all the possible reasons to be named the FIRST women to reach the bottom. And I am not going to quote Drake started from the bottom now we here. We are still very much at the bottom waving polietly to Kathy to take me out of here. 

Why behind every woman*’s anxiety there is a man*? The man. Very particual man. Any memory gives you shivers of embrassement whenever you think of acts you have been involved together and a tear of sadness at night when you miss his arms around you at night. Feelings are crazy and if you do not really know how to handle them it is especially hard. In my case this very particular man that I would call Einstein. I always thought Albert EInstein is super sexy. 

He was a particular factor in me reaching the bottom of my life. Before I knew him I have never expect from myself to be able to take so many drugs, cry so much, feel betrayed, lied to, manipulated, be so lonely but also sexy, smart, funny and free. The truth is he did not made me feel any of those good things. I only was telling myself that I feel this to compensate all his disgusting behaviour. Whenever he has done ten bad things, he will do one good and I would forget everything. Or you know.. he would just smile. or look at me. that is how easy is to steal someone. I was doing anything for him. Over and over I was conving myself to believe this time it will be different. We were using each other for different reasons and for different reasons we were not able to be apart from each other.

Albert Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

(un)fortunatly, currently I am not capable of giving myself absolution from this person and to write about him feels like dragging a knife through my whole body. Even though I might be done with it physically (have not seen him in few months) emotionally I am not. I am not writting this to blame him for everything wrong in my life. He just left me at the time in my life when I thought he would be next to me and without him it is especially hard. I fucking miss him and I know it is senseless. 

Kathy, if I dont tell to anyone I reached the bottom before you, would you take me back with you?

tinder is complicated now

*sex can be changed regardless. this is subjective. please read as you wish. love is love. 

#einstein #toxic relationship #relationship #woman #man #men #women #kathy sullivan #life #lifestyle #anxiety #amsterdam

[sexinamsterdam]

A gift to myself for 1st of June

Today is national children’s day. As a child of two divorced adults, I decided to look for a local therapist. I have been living in Amsterdam for six days now and taking care of my mental health has been one of my priorities for the next one and a half years. I made an embarrassing bucket list for my 25th birthday. I have been visiting therapist since I was about fourteen or fifteen when my fellow students decided to bully me to the point I hated everything about me and was crying everyday. While looking for my mental health superhero I discovered how pricey it is. Maybe my mental health is not that fucked up? Hmmm...Another point of the bucket list: Do not lie to yourself. One person mentioned they accept health insurance. Great. Let’s find out what health insurance program my company proposed to me for my six-month internship. Am I like insured here? Right? confused

I am checking my contract. Ctr+F: insurance

The company does not cover health insurance.

..........

I did not expect this. Let’s not panic. Let’s figure out this. Getting insurance is probably easy.

Google: Insurance in the Netherlands

I am checking the first website which compares insurance. Sort by Price low to high. 100 euros. That is fine for a year. Wait. This is per month. What the fuck. Just as my brain adjusts to this number I have a flashback of all my expenses, of all the food I had, of shitty money I will earn in next month which does not even cover even my rent. I am staying in Amsterdam for the next six months. There is COVID-19 pandemic going on in the world. I am not insured since July. I have one more month of insurance and some stupid European card to confirm my insurance. 6x100=600 euros. 600 euros I could spend. 600 euros I could save. Bucket list: save money each month. I feel as I cannot breathe. How the hell am I supposed to spend each month 100 euros on insurance? I do not have 100 euros for this. Is this a joke? Maybe I can fake the insurance? If you work in the Netherlands for more than 4 months and you do not get health insurance you will be obtained to pay a penalty of...... fuck.

I am about to cry. I look around at the room that I have been occupying since last Tuesday and everywhere I see how much something was. I take my cigarettes (9 euros) and go outside to smoke. I am trying to convince myself not to cry and not to panic. My heart is racing. Make a joke out of it. You will lose this additional 5 kilos. You will have a greater appreciation of money. Get a part-time job. It is fine. You have some money on your bank account. It is fine. Lose the smoking. 1 pack is 9 euros. I smoke one per week. 4x9= 36 euros. I need an additional 64 euros. Sell yourself. It is a pandemic. Prostitution is banned. Do not panic. I came back to my computer. I want to cry. I cannot. Basically being a child of divorced squizzes out of you all the emotions and you have problems with crying or showing any emotions. But you are fake happy like a pro.

Should I call my parents? No. First thing you will hear. How you were not aware you do not have insurance? Apparently. I am not mature enough for this. Maybe I will start a weight loss program: Six months in Amsterdam.

So the gift I gave myself this year for children’s day was expensive insurance I cannot afford and multiple panic attacks.

AD: REACH IN SIX MONTHS THE BODY YOU WANT BY EATING NOTHING BECASUE YOU DO NOT HAVE MONEY TO BUY SHIT

Immediately searching for part time job….

#insurance #amsterdam #internship #work #job #student #theraphy #divorce #children #child #money #panic attack #smoking

[sexinamsterdam]

The only thing hotter than sex is not having sex

Who said that bullshit? People seeking spiritual awakening? People in celibacy? Singles? Just people?

My truth is: sex is important. It is important to me. I have just moved to Amsterdam to pursue my career goals. Single, intelligent, funny and career-driven. Single. Undateable. Have I been single before coming to Amsterdam? Yes and no. I welcomed myself to a toxic relationship that still haunts me here in Amsterdam. I feel stuck between the place I was and the place I am currently. I want to date and I resist to date. It is complicated. I will try to elaborate later but I need two glasses of red wine and strong will not to cry and stalk his Instagram.

Since I found myself writing this during the COVID-19 pandemic I wonder how the hell am I supposed to date when I chronically am scared to have human contact with anyone who I am not aware of human contact history and keep apart within 1.5m. There are so many questions to ask:

Before having any body to body contact should we both quarantine for 14 days?

Is sanitizer the new sex toy?

Is the squirt of sanitizer the new aphrodisiac?

What about the ex who wants hook-up?

Is now monogamy now must-have?

Are one night stands even a thing now?

Should women be more scared of contracting the virus from getting pregnant?

What if we go in lockdown again?

Where do we meet people if I am a bad texter on dating apps?

I have gained a few kilos, you okay with that?

My personal success in dating. I signed up for Tinder. Not impressed. More annoyed. Talked to one guy. Superficially I could not figure out if he is tall enough for me to wear high-heels and for me to feel super uncomfortable for him (even though he could be super chill with it). I am a bad person and I ghosted. Is ghosting men on tinder mean? We have never meant. We exchanged ten texts or something. Sorry. I could not. I hate the thrill of going on a tinder date. Been on few. Deleted Tinder. Signed up for Bumble. Here women have to text first. Gives you some kind of power. Still not made a super interesting match. Maybe it is me? Maybe it is my photos. What I attend to do this week is to have a date. This week’s agenda is to suppress my issue with pandemic dating and have a decent date with a Dutch guy. Please be tall. I have anxiety and I am shallow. And I cannot forget my ex. 

#Amsterdam #city #sex life #sex and the city #lifestyle #relationship #toxic relationship #tinder #bumble #carrie bradshaw #netherlands