sexy-serotonin

[sexy-serotonin]

I smoked too much weed and spend all day walking around the city so even though I ate more than I wanted to I'm still so hungry it hurts. God fucking damn it. Hitting the nicotine vape over and over hoping it'll cancel out the weed and it's doing fuck all besides giving me heart palpitations. I love weed but it's roughhh sometimes. I also haven't had alcohol in a couple weeks and I want a damn drink but I'm too nervous about a) what it'll do to my appetite b) what it'll do to my heart rate c) if I'll end up drinking too much and d) if i might be an alcoholic.

to make it worse my weight is barely budging and i hung out with a bunch of skinny people today. fuck everything.

[sexy-serotonin]

at that point where im going through my phone looking for old bodychecks

#finds a picture from three years ago where i look exactly the same as i do now #files it away like a piece of data in a science project

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I've been fine with my current body for quite a while, as ive been hovering around the lower end of the weight range that my body likes (130-150lbs and I've managed to stay consistently around 130) but suddenly, like a switch flipped, it's not enough. i want skinny. i want 120lbs. I haven't been that low since middle school. The lowest I've been, when I was deepest into restriction and exercise, was 123. I have this sudden maniac insatiable urge to skinny and I want it to stay. I want to be successful this time, I want to sacrifice everything for it, I want to finally feel what it tastes like. f.

#ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[sexy-serotonin]

There’s a little rat inside your head.

This rat doesn’t know anything, but it knows that sometimes snacks fall into its cage, and sometimes the floor shocks its feet.  It likes the snacks, and it hates the shocks.  It will tell you to do things that produce snacks, and it will tell you not to do things that produce shocks.

This little rat is not the only power inside your head, and it might not be the strongest, but it’s there and it has influence.

So pay attention to how you’re treating the little rat.

If every time you learn something new, you say to yourself “ugh, I’m so ignorant for not already knowing this,” you’re shocking the rat.  You’re teaching it to be afraid of learning new things, to associate it with embarrassment and self-criticism.

Remember to feed the rat instead.  Tell it “now I know, and that is good,” and let it eat its snack in peace.

If every time you take care of yourself and your home, you say to yourself “ugh, I never do this enough, and I’ll never get it right,” you’re shocking the rat.  You’re teaching the rat that it was safer when you didn’t try to take care of things.

Feed the rat instead.  Praise what you have done, forgive what you haven’t, so the rat can feel safe.

When the rat takes a step in the right direction, even if the step is too small or slow or not in quite the right direction, feed it.  Don’t shock it for being imperfect; it’ll only learn not to take any steps at all.  Feed it, and let it get bolder, and take bigger steps, and give it bigger rewards for those bigger steps.

Be kind to your little rat.

[sexy-serotonin]

due to sleep inflation 1 hour of sleep is now worth 37 minutes

[sexy-serotonin]

nothing hurts more than seeing/experiencing something that used to make you so happy but now it makes you feel nothing. oh god i really am dead inside.

[sexy-serotonin]

it is amazing how good our bodies are at forgetting/shoving down anything that was harmful to us in the past. i had a dream last night about being in college (merely a couple years ago) when i was cripplingly lonely, self-harming, suicidal, struggling with an eating disorder, convinced that i was fundamentally unlovable, suffocating underneath an uncontrolled anxiety disorder. and i woke up and was like What The Fuck. That Was Me??? i remembered it, technically, i knew that all that stuff had happened, but as soon as it was over i just...forgot what it felt like. i forgot how much it hurt, i forgot how much of my life it consumed.

I’d experienced this before with stuff that happened in my teenage years and childhood, things that really were far away and far removed. but it was very very jarring to experience it with something so recent and so...well-connected with my current life. this wasn’t something i was trying to throw away and be rid of, like i was with high school. this is a period of my life that is still useful and relevant to me and i am trying to hold onto these memories but i Can’t. because they hurt.

[sexy-serotonin]

i only cultivate so many bad habits (smoking, drinking, etc.) to protect me in the event that organ trading becomes a big part of postapocalyptic society and getting your organs stolen becomes a pressing threat so i can hopefully evade harvesting due to being of very low value. its a whole long con thing. i can stop any time i want.

[sexy-serotonin]

imagine what it must be like to do scholarship on the odyssey when your name is odysseus. big brain move like who is going to disagree w odysseus’ takes on the odyssey. nobody

[sexy-serotonin]

job interviews make me suicidal like what the fuck how is this legal,

#that little 5 minute window when youre ready and just watching the clock tick down #brb slitting my wrists while waiting for the interviewer to join this video #doomsday scenarios running through my head like what if mispronounce my name or experience spontaneous total amnesia

[sexy-serotonin]

i posted this about half a year ago. not long ago at all but it feels like a lifetime. i do not relate to this post at all anymore. the rage inside me is so quiet i barely notice it most days. my extreme or negative thoughts are quite few and far between. i look in the mirror and i feel ok. i’m not cured at all but i am so, so much better.

i have some thoughts about what changed between this post and now but it’s rather late so i’ll come back to this later. it just struck me while i was lazily scrolling through some old posts, how clearly i remember writing this post (i remember being very satisfied with my wording and how accurately it reflected how i was feeling). juxtaposed with how it also feels like a different person wrote this. i remember writing this but i scarcely remember being the person who wrote this. and it’s only been roughly six months. gotta remember to come back to this.

isn't it fucking crazy that there are people who just wake up and don't hate themselves. and just go through life without that quietly burning inwardly directed rage stuck in the core of their being. who just look in the mirror and don't have any particular strong or negative feelings arise. who are just ok with their concept of self. tf.

[sexy-serotonin]

jaywalking for fun and profit

[sexy-serotonin]

so here are my options currently: 1. undereat and become emotionally unstable and suicidal and dysfunctional again and possibly but by no means certainly lose a couple pounds 2. eat normally and maintain my current normal weight and have an ok life. i think it's clear what I have to do.

[sexy-serotonin]

having anxiety is weird bc it's like what if this can of soda kills me?? anyways time to go smoke a pack of cigarettes

#for someone who worries constantly about dying i sure have the worst habits ever

[sexy-serotonin]

When someone says “it’s within walking distance” how far is that for you and are you from the city or are the suburbs

#depends on what city im in #i lived in a place where anything under 4 miles was walkable #my current city is a libertarian hellscape so theres no sidewalks or anything #walkable here means like...anywhere from 2 blocks max to maybe 1/2 mile if its a nice area

[sexy-serotonin]

great advice for people who don't spent 11 hours a day working/commuting in the middle of a sprawling urban hellscape. believe me, if I were able, I would do all of these things as often as I could. but "as often as possible" works out to "a couple times a year at best" for millions of people under late stage capitalism. happiness is for the rich.

How to keep happy —

“Eat food from farmers markets. Drink good tea each morning. Read books that make you feel. Paint, even if you’re awful. Write, even when you have nothing to say. Sit in the fresh air outside. Go on hikes. Swim in lakes and wade in streams. Sleep as long as you need. Work hard at what you love. Work hard at what you hate. Love unconditionally and wholeheartedly.”

— unknown {via oldfarmhouse}

[sexy-serotonin]

first base is putting your cigarettes out on each other second base is psychosexual obsession third base is murder-suicide