shadowsatday

[shadowsatday]

I am all hollowed out,

Like someone has taken a spoon and scraped everything out of me that made being worth it.

But still they ask for more.

Cause you can't help someone that doesn't want help,

But also,

You can't be that person's only help,

As they wring out the last drops you have to give,

And I don't know

If

Im

A

Bad

Person.

~

Because I am drowning.

I just want to go to the art gallery.

That is it.

I have surrendered my dreams,

Raised the white flag,

It's too much,

I just want to go to the art gallery and stare at painted ship wrecks and gardens and people.

~

~

~

I can give no more.

Please stop asking.

Let me go to the art gallery,

Remove your ink and thorns and bindings and please god,

Please.

~

Let me live.

~

~

~

~I just need an actual break where no one wants anything from me cause holy crap yo, I'm running out of fuel by SADSAN

20/12/23

~

NOTE: I'm fine, like I'm exhausted but am generally okay, if you're feeling like this please seek help, there are services available to you

#exhaustion #very tired #mentally tired #sad poem #poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #sadsan #poems on tumblr #poet

[shadowsatday]

(PLEASE READ FIRST: this poem contains illusion to murder including some imagery but not super intense, only I think three, four ish lines, also it's completely imagined so I don't know if that helps?

Second, this poem is meant to be spoken so I encourage it to be read out loud, all cool if you don't want to but it should feel nice to say sort of. Anywho! Have a nice day!)

When I grew up I was a tom boy,

I would climb trees and scorn Barbie dolls but then sometimes also get really into Barbie dolls,

It was thinking mini skirts were so freaking cool and nail polish was the best but then,

Then not wanting to do that,

But my quirks don't end there.

When I grew up I was clever,

So smart that I would do homework in class, making up spelling definitions instead of finding them and finishing before the bell baffling my mother as years went by and I didn't bring any home,

What a forward thinking school,

Nah, I just didn't want to give up my free time for putting in effort for the life cycle of frogs.

When I grew up I was creative,

Like all kids I would weave tales of fairies and magical powers and dragons and we would run around the school yard laughing and waving pecials as wands and sticks as swords,

And the neighbour,

You know the neighbour,

I think that's a gun hanging in his shed and are they bodies?

When I grew up I was struggling,

You see cleverness and skipped homework and made up definitions of words did not make up for those lost valuable learning hours at home

but it was so boring,

The letters didn't make sense,

I could tell stories,

Write stories,

But the spelling never stuck,

The Grammer jumbled and it didn't make sense,

I didn't make sense.

I didn't like so many foods,

I would go to school with a bag of chillies for lunch because my.mother eventually let me choose,

I was a ball of energy contained to a table poking holes in the plastic covering of my books,

Sketching,

Scratching,

Screaming,

Wating for the clock to tick down.

The school said I should be examined,

That there was something different about me,

The examiner said I was just lazy,

Though probably a little nicer than that,

Mother's tend to paraphrase.

And this has been my life,

Pocket marked with peculiarities.

People said,

You don't talk enough,

People say,

You talk to much,

And before people said, they would say

Please, please be quiet

People said,

Just try harder,

What's that supposed to mean? I am already trying so much.

People said,

Take initiative,

So I ask questions I try and figure it out

People say,

Stop asking questions

So I dont

I fail

They say

You should have just asked.

My throat is a music box of sound effects,

I humm to the microwave and chirp at the dishwasher at work, I make a small noise in The back of my throat when I'm pleased and elevator music trickles from my mouth when I am waiting, when I am happy I fill silences with soft noise and I don't even realise it.

This is an incomplete list of my strangeness, but here's the thing.

My whole life people joked that I'm not normal but when I say it they say everyone's peculiar in their own ways,

Why,

I want to plead or beg,

Then do I have to struggle more than anyone else with the small things?

The normal things?

The common sense, everyday, basic, you should know this by now things?

Where are other peoples happy chirps,

Where are other peoples strange relationship with their gender,

Where are other peoples lack of homework,

Where are other peoples convincing a whole year level and themself that there's a murder living next to their school

(there wasn't, teacher intervention was necessary)

Where were the other people like me?

But at the same time,

If I were so different,

If I were so strange,

Surly something would have been done,

Someone would have said something... Right?

Because I can't just be lazy or not trying hard enough ... Right?

And it's so scary,

But I don't want my fears to be correct,

That I am normal and simply not working hard enough,

Because surly all my trying all the time has to mean something,

And if I am really genuinely normal,

Then there's no explanation ... ?

When I am happy,

And safe,

I forget to use my inside voice and I stop seeing the social norms and my words are faster than my brain and all the cleverness and me Springs out,

Without abandon.

But people don't really like that,

And I don't know what to do,

Because I'm normal right?

I'm just like them ...

Right?

~Normal by SADSAN

5/12/23

#nerodivergent #questioning #queer #lgbt+ #poetry #poets on tumblr #sadsan #poem #poems on tumblr #poet #love #life #gender #normal #strange

[shadowsatday]

Oh how sweet and terrible,

I can create music,

To hear the song of my heart is consuming,

All I long for is it's sweet horror,

And it is sweet,

And it is horrendous.

My fingers dance over invisible strings,

And strange things call in the dark.

Oh what sweet joy,

Oh what sweet joy.

-

-

-

~Poetry Accompaniment to Lost in a Fey forest both by SADSAN

21/11/23

#poetry #poets on tumblr #sadsan #poem #poems on tumblr #poet #love #life #hope #night #music

[shadowsatday]

I am home,

My dogs are here,

Both of them full of energy and love,

How I missed them.

My cats are here to putting softly into the night,

Happy to see me,

As I am happy to see them,

I greeted my bird,

And the third cat who spends the night roaming the house or curled in their bed,

I have missed them all.

They fill my heart,

And I can only think,

What a privilege it is to miss them,

And what great joy it is to return to them,

My family.

-

-

-

~Family by SADSAN

22/10/23

#poetry #poets on tumblr #sadsan #poem #poems on tumblr #poet #love #life #hope #animals #missing #home

[shadowsatday]

Growth is hard,

I learned two things today:

1) It's not my business,

2) I am incredibly biased.

I already knew 2,

But somehow I don't think I've ever been told 1 before.

And I am glad I now have.

Planets preserve me,

I don't need to stick my nose where it doesn't belong.

My friends trust me,

It's time I learn to trust them.

-

-

-

~ Growth by SADSAN

26/9/23

#poetry #poets on tumblr #poem #sadsan #poems on tumblr #love #poet #hope #life

[shadowsatday]

You keep pathologizing me,

Or describing my behaviour as 'something I would do',

Or 'everything is normal there then?',

And you sound so happy,

So pleased,

As if you know every facet of me,

Of all that I am,

Of all my history.

How unfair.

It makes me feel uncomfortable and frustrated and angry.

I hate this.

But you're just trying to know me,

It's a shame.

If you listened,

I think,

You'd know me a lot faster.

-

-

-

~Know Me by SADSAN

19/9/23

#poetry #poets on tumblr #sadsan #poem #poems on tumblr #poet #love #life #frustration #know me

[shadowsatday]

By god! Today was long and hard and full of pain.

And yet I struggled its length,

And stood under the sky at night,

And stood under the sky at day,

And knew that after it had passed,

I would be okay.

-

-

-

~Okay by SADSAN

22/8/23

#poetry #poets on tumblr #sadsan #poem #poems on tumblr #poet #love #life #hope #night #long day

[shadowsatday]

I'm putting myself together,

Collecting little pieces of who I want to be,

And gently tracing them onto my skin in blue,

And green,

And pink.

Sometimes it is hard to be gentle,

But I am worth it.

-

-

-

~Stitching by SADSAN

14/8/23

#poetry #poets on tumblr #sadsan #poem #poems on tumblr #poet #love #life #hope

[shadowsatday]

Somethings missing and I used to think it was something in you,

I'd search through all our differences,

Try and find the things in you that feel discordant,

Or terrible.

But I think it's something in me.

I don't know how to love you like that when I don't think I have all of me,

My soul is split into so many living pieces,

And you contain a part,

But so does my home,

And so does he,

Two pieces I can't touch again.

Two pieces of me that I can't ever get back.

So how can I love all of you, when I don't have all of me?

-

-

-

~Missing Pieces by SADSAN

12/8/23

#poetry #poets on tumblr #sadsan #poem #poems on tumblr #poet #life #sad #healing #split soul #missing home

[shadowsatday]

It's was all of my senses,

Of time,

Of sound,

Of touch,

Of scent.

So fundamentally apart of me,

It was my lungs,

It was my veins,

My fucking heart.

It held all of my memories,

And all of my dead,

It bore witness to my pain,

It was mine, and it was me,

I belonged to that place.

There are no words that can describe the tie I have to it,

It is my home and always will be,

Even if my feet will never touch the earth again,

The stars will always join us,

I can't let go,

How can you let go of your soul?

How can you let go of your self?

-

-

-

~Home. by SADSAN

11/8/23

#poetry #poets on tumblr #sadsan #poem #poems on tumblr #poet #life #home #sadness #grief #missing home

[shadowsatday]

I must be well for them.

My dogs.

My Bears and my Mills,

My Cherry and my Millberry,

My Mills and Bears.

I love them,

So I must be well for them.

They hold pieces of my heart,

And maybe I hold pieces of theirs.

-

-

-

~Mills and Bears by SADSAN

2/8/23

#poetry #poets on tumblr #sadsan #poem #poems on tumblr #poet #love #life #hope

[shadowsatday]

I'm working hard,

Stupidly hard,

Because now that I've started I can't let go,

I can finally earn rest,

Finally earn a break,

Finally earn weakness.

But,

I also can't stop.

Because this is the only way I get to eat,

Get to get a job that I really want.

So I don't get a choice,

Even if I do I dont.

I'm so fucking tired,

And I'm not going to have one full day off for another 14 days,

And I haven't had one since a few weeks ago.

I'm working really hard.

I can't stop,

And don't want to,

Because for once I feel as though I've earned my right to breathe.

But fuck,

I am so tired.

-

-

-

~Tired by SADSAN

2/8/23

#work #tired #done #exhaustion #sad #im okay though

[shadowsatday]

WARNING!!!! Talking death, existentialism, eventual end of life discussed!!!!

-

-

-

One day I will be dead.

Not for many many years I hope,

But I will be dead.

And you know what's weird?

What's scary?

So will my heroes.

My family,

If we all die of old age,

They will be in the earth before me.

Everyone I've ever admired,

The actors,

Directors,

Climate scientists,

Psychologist,

Counsellors,

Authors,

My family,

My animals,

And maybe even my friends,

And that is truly tragic.

That no-one left will have born witnesses to the world that I had been witness to,

As must have been felt by audience members watching Shakespeare,

And witnesses to the finest painters,

And witnesses to the bravest activists,

And every person who's ever had the honour to love someone and make something of this life.

I am mourning this reality already,

Only for a moment,

For it is such a lonely tragedy,

To know, at the end of life, my mother will not be holding my hand as I die,

Nor will my beloved animals be curled beside me,

And even if I could ask for someone else,

I may not even be able to hold the hand of a friend or a hero,

How cruel this design was,

And how truly alone death leaves us.

-

-

-

~The Eventual Death of An Age by SADSAN

22/7/23

#poetry #poets on tumblr #sadsan #poem #poems on tumblr #poet #life #death #loss #tragedy #sad

[shadowsatday]

I miss the darkness,

I miss looking out my window at night and seeing the landscape dressed in black and grey and slivers of silver and the sky a deep endless night time blue,

I miss watching lightning break the night in sharp cracks and spilling seconds of day light across the rolling hills,

I miss seeing the full expanse of the Milky way,

Stars glinting across the sky like shining particles left by giant hands which stir the universe,

I miss the lack of street lights and I miss the appearance of our neighbours lights flicking on and off in the distance throughout the night,

I miss dancing under moonlight the grass soft and damp beneath my feet,

And I miss the rest of the true deep darkness of the cloudy night that you never find in the cities light,

I miss not having to shut my curtin to escape the light,

How I dearly miss the darkness of the country night.

-

-

-

~The Deep Dark Blue Sky Calls Like The Sea by SADSAN

19/7/23

#poetry #poets on tumblr #sadsan #poem #poems on tumblr #poet #love #night #darkness #milky way #stars #lightening #nighttime #missing home #homesick #home

[shadowsatday]

I love you,

And I will continue to love you,

So how can I tell you that romance is a performance,

That the sweetness you gift to me can,

At times,

Be so incredibly tiering to work through,

I love your poetry,

And you beautiful gestures,

But you're asking me to /feel/,

Expend emotions I don't have enough space for,

But how can I ask you to stop when you look at me like that?

When you love me like you do?

I don't want them to stop forever,

I just want you to ask,

Because sometimes it's too much,

Sometimes it's too much.

-

-

-

~The performance of Romance by SADSAN

13/7/23

#poetry #poets on tumblr #sadsan #poem #poems on tumblr #poet #love #life #hope #romance #aromantism #like one of the kinds of aromantic but not flat out no romace ever just it swings ya know

[shadowsatday]

This sweet song,

This beautiful warmth,

Starting again doesn't feel so bad,

It feels like a well padded road and a gentle tomorrow,

Starting again doesn't feel so bad,

Doesn't feel so bad at all.

-

-

-

~Starting Again Hurts Like A Bitch But Only To Begin With by SADSAN

12/7/23

#poetry #poets on tumblr #sadsan #poem #poems on tumblr #poet #love #life #hope

[shadowsatday]

Sometimes I feel as though life is killing the poet in me,

I don't know,

I don't know.

-

-

-

~Death of the poet by SADSAN

30/6/23

#poetry #poets on tumblr #sadsan #poem #poems on tumblr #poet #life