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shelbywanders · 2 years

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somebody come help me now somebody can you hear me now

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shelbywanders · 2 years

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😂😂

#bts #btsjimin #bts moodboard #bts army #bts namjoon #bangtan #bangtan boys #bts suga #bts funny #bts memes #bts kpop #kpopfans #kpop #kpop edits #kpopidol #kpop funny #kpop life #bts life #bts world

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shelbywanders · 2 years

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*** Trigger warnings ***

Medical procedure gone wrong / Traumatic birth / Chronic illness

Please read chapter 1 before reading 💜

Chapter 2 - New Mom Stress

I’m adjusting to life as a new mama. Having a newborn is challenging, you’re up all day and night, you’ve suddenly become another humans life line. You can read all the books, all the blogs, take all the classes you want to prepare for having a newborn, but trust me, you will not feel prepared even with that all. It’s a huge adjustment! It’s amazing, it’s incredible the amount of love you have for something so tiny but it’s hard and overwhelming too.

It’s also hard doing it all when you’re in a lot of pain. No matter what kind of pain, taking care of someone else when you can hardly handle yourself is hard. But my pain, was my head. For 10 days straight after the epidural incident when I gave birth, I had the most painful headache I’ve ever experienced. It wasn’t a normal headache, it was that same excruciating head pressure pain I got during whatever happened with the epidural. Nothing helped it. I was taking prescribed ibuprofen (I had just gave birth, remember!) and Tylenol and it didn’t phase the head pain at all. I remember it got so bad the only thing I could do was cry. And crying makes headaches worse so if someone is crying with a headache, you know it fucking hurts. I was also a new mom, I was learning how to breastfeed, I was learning how to take care of a baby, I was sleep deprived. And I had a giant wound in my vagina from pushing a whole human out. Basically, a lot of things were happening that was new to my body, so I assumed the headache was nothing more than my body trying to adjust.

But almost two weeks had passed and I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I called my OB and explained how this headache hasn’t gone away since getting the epidural and I was just worried. We made an appointment and I went in, she was concerned of my blood pressure being high or possibly developing post-eclampsia. But everything was okay. I got the whole spiel of “you’re a new mom, you’re breastfeeding, your hormones are all whacky. It will probably go away soon,” and was sent home. Which of course at the time, made sense to me. Although I still had the feeling that something wasn’t right, the pain I experienced during my epidural wasn’t normal and now this headache was debilitating. But I was a new mom. And the doctor said I was fine. Who was I to question anybody?

I kept going, because I had to. It had to get better at some point? The head pain did stop being constant…but it never went fully away. I started to notice a pattern with the head pain, and it was way worse when I did certain things. I noticed that if I bent over, I would get the headache. If I coughed/sneezed/strained in any way, here comes the headache. If I moved my head too fast, headache. If I stood up too fast, headache. Any change of pressure…my head felt like it was going to explode just like it did during the epidural incident. I lived with it for 4 months just thinking it will get better, the doctor said it was stress, it’ll get better. But it never did. It was getting too much to handle, I can’t even bend over to pick up my 10 lb baby, something is seriously not right…So I started the search for a neurologist, to get the first of many opinions.

Stay tuned for chapter 3.

*DISCLAIMER*

This is blog is not intended for medical advice nor intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. This blog is based off of personal experience.

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shelbywanders · 2 years

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*** Trigger warnings ***

Medical procedure gone wrong / Traumatic birth / Chronic illness

I’ve been incredibly vocal about my experience with getting an epidural injection during my labor & delivery in 2018 if you know me on my personal social media. It’s been three in a half years and I’ve decided to try to go a little more public with my story. Why? Because I have felt so hopeless, exhausted, sometimes crazy, and incredibly alone over these years and if telling my story helps just one other women who might be experiencing the same things as me, that’s enough of a reason for me. I’ll be splitting it all up into chapters to help make it easier to read!

*LONG DISCLAIMER*

Please keep in mind, my story is mine and it is still ongoing. I’m being seen by medical doctors and still trying to find a diagnosis after 3.5 years. I do share my opinions but I also share factual evidence. I am not a doctor and I cannot diagnose anyone, I can only share my personal experiences. Please seek out professional help and always do your research from reputable sources.

Secondly, I am not anti-medicine. I am pro do your research and make sure you know what you’re letting people put into your body. I am pro advocate for yourself and your health. I am pro listening to women and mothers and taking them seriously. As a woman and a mother, I’m an advocate on recognizing medical gaslighting and knowing your medical rights, things I didn’t know about before going on this journey. I’m honestly not against epidurals even though I had a horrible experience with one. I won’t tell you not to get one, but I will tell you my experience with getting one, how my life changed after getting one, my pain I live with every day after getting one and all of the risks, no matter how rare they may be that are possible with these procedures.

Mothers are being handed a consent form while they are having contractions every minute, bent over in pain, about to give birth to a whole human being and expected to understand what they’re reading, to care about what they’re signing and to fully understand the risks involved. Doctors are failing to verbally inform of all the risks as well and not all of the risks are listed on the consent form. 3.5 years ago, I didn’t question it either. I had no reason to. Now living with the pain I’ve had to go through, I see how much that needs to change. I am not anti-medicine, I am not “ban all epidural injections during childbirth” at all. I want to make that clear. Even if at times I seem hostile or against it, please understand how much that needle has affected my life so I do get emotional when discussing it, however I still recognize how rare of an occurrence this is and most of the time epidurals work just fine.

Chapter 1 - Stabbed in the back

It was finally induction day! I was 39+1 weeks and so ready to not be pregnant and get control of my body back. I spent most of my time pregnant bending over a trash can vomiting multiple times a day, I also had gestational diabetes so I was pricking myself 4 times a day and dieting, so boy was I over it! I just wanted to meet our precious baby.

I went into my induction with one goal and one goal only: have a healthy baby. That’s all that mattered to me. I didn’t have any type of birth plan other than get the baby out. I did however knew that I wanted to try to go as long as possible without any pain meds. I wanted to give birth naturally, I wanted to see if I could do it. After all, that's what us women were made to do! I won’t go into details about my labor so let’s fast forward a bit. I was 6 cm dilated and my water had just broke. I was doing pretty good up until then but the contractions started to come on so strong and they weren’t giving me any breaks. I remember my husband telling me, “You don’t have to deal with this, you can get an epidural. It’s okay to get one if you are tired.” I was so tired, but I pushed on for another hour or so until I just couldn’t handle it anymore, or so I thought.

The anesthesiologist comes in and asks everyone to leave, except for my husband and nurses. We go over the consent form and how the procedure will go, at least I’m assuming we did. This whole time in my labor is a huge blur. I’m having contractions every 45 secs to a minute and I didn’t really care in that moment. I just wanted some relief.

I sit on the side of the bed, curled up against a pillow, trying to not hold my breath at every contraction. My lovely spine is exposed as the doctor gets ready to jab a needle the size of my hand into it. He starts the procedure. After about 5 minutes I could tell something wasn’t going as planned. There was a lot of maneuvering about, there was a lot of pulling sensations that I thought were odd. The doctor told me he was having a hard time getting it placed, he told me my ligaments were super thick. He tried at one spot, couldn’t get it in. He told me he was going to have to try a different spot. Each time he tried a spot, sudden electrical zaps would shoot through my lower back and buttocks, making me jump. It was frightening, that’s the only word I can use for the feeling.

Here I am trying to stay as still as possible while going through contractions because there is a huge needle in my back and something is happening to my body that I can’t control. I screamed out each time and started to cry, trying to explain what I was feeling to the anesthesiologist. He was still struggling behind my back but now he was perplexed as to why I was uncontrollably jerking every time he poked me. “Let’s try another spot,” he said. At least 30 minutes has past now. My mom and my sister are waiting in the hallway, trying to figure out what’s taking so long. I remember reading that epidurals usually take about 10 minutes to complete so I knew something wasn’t going as planned.

Onto another spot he goes, poking me another time in another spot on my spine. Het gets it in, I feel some relief mentally very briefly because I know this should mean my contractions will fade soon. Suddenly, as he starts to inject the epidural medicine into my back, I start to feel this intense pressure going up my back, my neck and all the way to my head. I heard liquid sounds in my ears as this pressure was going up my back. It felt like liquid was being injected into my spinal cord and that pressure was traveling up my back, into my neck and into my head eventually building up so much pressure that so I legitimately thought that my head was going to explode. I screamed out in pain. What the hell is happening?! My back was on fire, my head was throbbing, the light in the hospital room blinded me. Everything is blurry. The doctor asked me what's wrong, what hurts. I try explaining to the best of my ability but all I can get out is “my head, my head!” My head feels like it’s going to explode at any second. He keeps telling me over and over he doesn’t know what happened. Neither did I. All I knew was that this man had stabbed me in my back and I was in the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my life all while trying to make sure I have a healthy baby.

My head is still spinning, my tears stained my cheeks. Contractions are still coming on strong but the epidural is in correctly now, at least we think it is. I lay back down and try to rest before it’s time to push. I keep getting told that everything is fine. I keep getting told that nothing wrong happened. But my head is killing me. I still have that same pressure that I experienced during the epidural administration. I try to stop thinking about it but the pain in my head was so bad it was hard to ignore it. I had a job to do though. I had to birth a baby!

An hour after the pain explosion during the epidural, the epidural started to wear off. I knew that wasn’t normal but again, I was just trying to focus on having my baby. It’s finally time to push, the pressure is unlike anything I’ve experienced before. My head is still throbbing, making it hard to push a whole baby out from my body. I remember pushing so hard because I couldn’t stand the pain any longer, I just needed the baby out. So I kept pushing, pushing, pushing, hurry up and just get out! I was getting lightheaded from pushing and the pain, I was worried I wasn’t going to be able to finish pushing. But 5 minutes later, a beautiful baby girl was born. Adeline Mae, 6lbs 8oz, 19 1/4 inches long. She was so tiny...and so so perfect. For the first hour I forgot about the pain I was in. I forgot about the horrible epidural experience. I forgot about how scared I was. I was just so in love with the tiny human we created, nothing else mattered. But the head pain never went away. It’s still there to this day as I’m typing this, 3 in a half years later.

Stay tuned for chapter 2.

*DISCLAIMER*

This is blog is not intended for medical advice nor intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. This blog is based off of personal experience.

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shelbywanders · 2 years

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#healthy #metal #and motivation image #entry-image #<img alt= class= src="https://data.whicdn.com/im

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shelbywanders · 2 years

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shownu × dazed

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shelbywanders · 2 years

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shelbywanders · 2 years

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Day 1,107

I swear, some days I look at my daughter & husband and I’m just like yep! This is what it’s supposed to be. It’s just supposed to be us three, a perfect & complete triangle family. This makes SENSE! This is us! I can’t force something to happen that isn’t supposed to happen! Sweet peace at our family of three.

Then the next day…😪 I look at my daughter and husband & go, God I do love us, but something is missing. As I watch my daughter play by herself again, my womb feels so hollow. It feels so bruised. I feel so broken. This doesn’t make sense, we dreamed of having a big family. My daughter deserves to feel the love of a sibling. Being a child out of 5 myself, I can’t imagine life without any. Oh God, it’s just going to be us? We do everything right, how can it not happen? I have given everything I have to give, I have no more strength, let alone money for this. Anger, sorrow, guilt, why can’t I be at peace with our perfect family of three…

A complete rollercoaster of emotions. Content, happy, hopeful, doubtful, sad, angry, guilty & repeat. & repeat. & repeat. & repeat. We go through our own 7 stages of grief every month, don’t we? That can’t be healthy.

#infertility #infertility journey #secondary infertility #ttc #infertility warrior #ttc after loss #ttc after mc #ttccommunity #ttc community #infertility story #infertility community #depression #motherhood #secondary infertility journey #secondary infertility ttc #secondary infertility story #secondary infertility sucks #infertility sucks

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shelbywanders · 3 years

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Puffy eyes, red face, tear stained shirt. This is infertility. And it fucking sucks.

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shelbywanders · 3 years

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Crazy to think that we would be celebrating baby squish’s first birthday this past week if we hadn’t of lost it. Grief isn’t a straight line…I still get bursts of emotions over all of the what if’s. I still feel the sadness, the anger, the denial, the hopelessness, the heartache. I don’t think it will ever go away completely. I will always wonder who you would’ve been. 💔

#infertility #secondary infertility #ttc #infertility journey #infertility warrior #ttc after mc #ttc after loss #ttccommunity #ttc community #infertility story #miscarriage #miscarriageawareness #secondary infertility ttc #secondary infertility story #secondary infertility journey #infertility community #ttc with infertility #fuck infertility

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shelbywanders · 3 years

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BTS - Permission to Dance MV

bonus:

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shelbywanders · 3 years

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We don’t need to worry ‘Cause when we fall, we know how to land Don’t need to talk the talk, just walk the walk tonight PERMISSION TO DANCE (2021)

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shelbywanders · 3 years

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Plot twist! We are adopting! ❤️

About a month ago, we decided to end all our fertility treatment. It just wasn’t for us anymore. But the ache of wanting to grow our family was still very much there. We prayed about it & that’s when we decided to open our hearts to adoption. Over the next few weeks, we started to research & dive into the adoption process & it all started to make sense. Our struggles with secondary infertility brought us to where we feel like we needed to be. God has truly blessed us & although each of our miscarriages have hurt us tremendously, we see that they have been crucial for us to get to this moment and find our true purpose which we feel like is growing our family through adoption. We have soooo much love to give and Addy will be an absolute AMAZING sister—big OR little!

We’re announcing our plans to adopt early because we will be doing a lot of fundraising over the next 6 months, specifically through my Etsy shop, so that we have all the funds ready to go by January & can start the long & unpredictable but totally worth it process of adopting! And y’all know I can’t keep a secret & love to share so I’m bringing everyone along the ride with us! 😌 Excitedly anxious, but feeling so so much relief with putting our trying to conceive journey behind us & moving on with finding our missing puzzle piece through adoption. I plan on writing a more in depth blog about our decision to adopt as there was a lot that went into it, but that will be saved for another time! And will of course update as the process moves alone until we find our forever child!

“A family is what you make it. Each one of us. Together.” ❤️

Also 50% of every order from Shelbywanders Art goes directly into our adoption fund! 🥰

#infertility journey #adoption #adoption journey #infertility #secondary infertility story #secondary infertility journey #infertility story #adopting #adoptive parents #adoptive mother #adoptive family #secondary infertility #family #adoptionisbeautiful #adoptionislove

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shelbywanders · 3 years

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“Dear pregnant, glowing, happy friend,

Let’s cut to the chase: Yes I did ignore the scan photo, the maternity pictures where I’m sure you’re gently holding your swelling bump & gazing wistfully into the distance (I haven’t looked to be honest) and your invitation to the baby shower. There are no hearts or comments from me on those. I’ve put you on mute.

You have plenty of friends, half of whom are pregnant like you so I hoped you wouldn’t notice, but you clearly have. I hear you’re a bit upset with me over this. I’m honestly not a horrible person, so here’s why you’re suddenly dead to me, and I hope that you can try to understand:

I can’t stand looking at pregnant women at the moment, and unfortunately I can’t make an exception for you. Yes, you’re more than a walking womb – you’re my friend & we’ve got history, so how dare I ignore you just because you got pregnant, right? What kind of evil witch does that?

This cuts both ways though – as my friend you know exactly what I’ve been through trying to get pregnant. You see, I’m currently an infertile woman and you’re a pregnant woman, and absolutely everyone is happy to throw my mental health under a bus to make a fuss of you. Including you. I’m expected to suck it up for you, but it’s the end of the world if I expect the same consideration. That’s just the way it is apparently – I don’t make the rules.

We have all said “Be kind!” but do we mean it?

It doesn’t matter how much we say “be kind!” and “mental health is important!” when you’re a woman that’s not able to make babies. My mental health matters less than a like on a picture of a scan to some people – and definitely less than a party. You can withdraw our friendship because you think that I owe you the appropriate amount of fawning over your baby shower, even though you know I’m in the middle of IVF. Yes, that sounds appalling, I’m not proud of saying that, but as I will continue to mention – this is a mental health issue – it’s not about manners.

It is not your fault that you don’t understand what’s going on with women like me, and I’m not actually mad with you for that. I’m mad with a society that treats infertile women like they’re selfishly making a fuss, if they dare to try and excuse themselves from the carnival of joy that follows a pregnant woman into the office and beyond. That seems to forget about us & then gets annoyed when it’s reminded that we do exist. That can laugh kindly and be understanding about the emotional behaviour of a pregnant woman, but is quick to label us selfish or drama queens or jealous, if we are sensitive about trauma triggers such as pregnancy. It feels like we’re pitted against each other somehow, and it’s so unfair. We have phrases like “hormones” and “baby brain” to ensure that we make space for a pregnant woman’s reactions and emotions, but we don’t have a way to tactfully say to pregnant women “Hey, maybe you should give your friend with fertility struggles some space and not shove that big old pretty bump in her face right now!”

Of course pregnant women are in a vulnerable and unique position, and pregnancy is hard and of course we should all look out for them. I’m just saying – anonymously, because I know how deep this goes in society, that maybe we don’t have to routinely disregard the mental health of infertility sufferers, for the sake of special parties and social niceties? Those things could take place without us. You could graciously excuse us from all of that, if you knew how deep our suffering runs.

Instead we’re expected to fawn over people who (innocently) trigger our deepest feelings of sadness and anger, with a fake smile on our face and a congratulations card – and I’m sick of it. We’re all sick of it, but I’m just especially sick of it at the moment. I don’t deserve it – and you don’t deserve this bitter version of me that exists at the moment. What if I could just say hey – congratulations but I’m just having a hard time with this because I can’t get pregnant myself. You could say “OK, good luck with that. Not going to be offended if you don’t get involved right now, but you’re always welcome in the future!”

What if we could handle infertility vs pregnancy better?

So we don’t currently handle it that well, and I’m going to miss your whole pregnancy, and that’s obviously a big deal, right? I don’t actually want to miss a huge chunk of your life, but here’s the kicker – I have to. For my mental health. Because it’s just as important as your mental health. You, as a woman who hasn’t had fertility issues, and apparently got pregnant just by glancing at your husband’s penis in the shower- have no idea what’s happening to me. You will think – as society tells you to, that I am being bitter and uncaring and mean because it’s just in my nature to be like that. That I’m making it “all about me”, when I actually just want to slink away unnoticed. But why would you know any better if no-one ever tells you this stuff or talks about it? Can we just bloody stop this merry-go-round and get real about it please? I’m not mean or uncaring – I’m just struggling with pregnancy. Including yours.

Give me a pass for heaven’s sake. I couldn’t even cope if my cat got pregnant right now, never mind someone I went shopping at Tammy Girl with. Pregnancy is deeply, horribly triggering when you desperately wanted a baby and tried your hardest, but instead you had a miscarriage, a chemical pregnancy, a failed embryo implant, an ectopic pregnancy, a termination for medical reasons or a stillbirth. Show me a woman with fertility struggles who hasn’t had at least one of those. A scan is the very last thing you want to look at. A baby shower is the last place in the universe you want to be. But I’m not allowed to simply say “Thanks so much for the invite, truly happy for you but can’t deal with pregnancy RN because I’m doing IVF again” in case it impinges for five seconds upon your fairy-tale. I wonder if I’ll be the same if I ever get pregnant. Probably not, knowing what I know now.

Fertility struggles have given me a new perspective

So what is it that I know now? That infertility is traumatic. That IVF is mentally and physically hard, and it doesn’t always work. That it can cause relationship strain and feelings of inadequacy and mental health challenges galore. Financial struggles. Hormonal drugs. Constant stupid comments from people who don’t understand. There’s something else too.

Women with fertility issues have to track everything – periods, ovulations and appointments. They are often acutely aware of how old their own lost and maybe-babies would have been at any given time, as well as the ongoing sense of loss they experience from not being able to have a baby. Nature has a really cruddy way of timing baby showers in the same month as our due-dates that never were. Your baby shower is two weeks after my due date 2 years ago. I should be bringing my nearly 2 year old with me. See, I told you we track everything.

Do you really want me to explain that I’d be bringing the baggage of my lost child with me to this party? Do I owe you that? Or could you, you know, just be understanding that baby showers might just be a little bit hard for someone that’s been trying to get pregnant for longer than you’ve known your husband?

So that’s my confession, and I’m going to passive-aggressively post it on my wall and hope that you read it. I can’t come to you with my truth, because I’d risk “stressing you out” and “making it all about me” if I did. I can’t just suck it up, because my mental health is too fragile for that right now. So here I am as a woman with fertility struggles, asking for a little understanding from my friends. Can we call a truce? Can we be more honest with each other? Can we accept that pregnancy is wonderful for you but hard for others? As a woman trying so hard for a baby, I live in hope.”

https://bestfertility-now.com/letter-to-my-pregnant-friend-your-happiness-and-my-mental-health-are-not-compatible/?fbclid=IwAR2YARsPG6r_GLntyasTkwhf_fVJ_XTfG6YbMX6BEdpa6BGOlh9jR1EaB5g

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shelbywanders · 3 years

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Been a few days. It’s been...rough.

CD 1 today. After around 5 tests showing faint positives but never getting darker & slowly faded away, I knew I was having another chemical pregnancy. This will be my 3rd one in the past year. I cried, I had my breakdown, I let myself feel what I needed to feel. And now we move on to the next month...but I have a feeling things will be different from here on out. My faith is dwindling & I want to work on myself a bit. We’ll never stop trying, but I’m going to try to relax & not live my life surrounded by tests & medicine.

You know how I joked about being one negative pregnancy away from a new tattoo right? I wasn’t joking. 😂 Through my struggles with secondary infertility & good ol depression & anxiety, I wanted to get something that I could look down to remind myself that...I’m worthy. I’m still worthy. And if you know me, you know I’m a major nerd, so I had to nerd it up a bit! Cap & Thor are some of my favorite Marvel characters so I thought they’d be perfect to incorporate in my worthy tattoo ❤️

Keep on keeping on, through the hurt, through the negatives, through the storm.

#infertility #ttc #infertility journey #infertility warrior #secondary infertility #ttc after loss #ttc after mc #ttccommunity #ttc community #infertility community #infertility sucks #secondary infertility ttc #secondary infertility story #secondary infertility journey #Marvel #Marvel tattoo #marvel fan #marvel community #marvel comics

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shelbywanders · 3 years

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A few weeks ago I my husband I was one negative pregnancy test away from getting another tattoo. 10 dpo, BFN. So, I’m starting to think about my next tattoo! 😂🥴

Some may say therapy is a more cost effective way to deal with the stress of infertility but I think I’d rather just get some new ink to make myself feel better 😂

#infertility #ttc #infertility journey #infertility warrior #secondary infertility #ttc after loss #ttc after mc #ttccommunity #tattoos #secondary infertility ttc #secondary infertility story #secondary infertility journey #ttc community #two week wait

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shelbywanders · 3 years

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9 dpo 😬

Everything inside me is telling me this month is it. But...ugh. I should know better to be this hopeful. Dull cramps, sore boobs, the super light spotting a couple of days ago, my cervix is suuuuper high & soft & closed. I’m also bloated to hell. Of course, that could alllll be the progesterone supplements talking which is why I’m not holding my breath. 😪

I went shopping today & while looking for shirts for my daughter on the same clothes rack there were two shirts back to back with pineapples on them (infertility symbol) & then a big sister shirt RIGHT behind them! If that ain’t a sign, I don’t know what is! I smiled big in the aisle bc I love seeing signs, even if they don’t turn out to be one...false hope is better than no hope in my book. I came home with the pineapple shirts but the big sister shirt ended up staying, didn’t want to jinx anything. 😂 Although...if I get a bfp soon, I’ll be going back & getting it. ❤️🌈🤞🏼

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