shitty-tolkien-aus

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

Reblog if you are okay with people giving you lots of boops!

#this is a sideblog so i have no idea if it's boopable #if it is I will boop back from my main

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

Hubristic Asshole Fight

Is your blorbo the cause of their own downfall? Do they look at natural limits and do the Garfield "I wonder who that's for?" Then we have the poll for you!

Rules

Character must exhibit hubris in more the modern narrative sense than the ancient Greek religious sense. They don't HAVE to directly spite the gods (but it helps)

Character must be brought low by their own hubris at some point. They can recover from this and don't necessarily have to die/have their life completely destroyed, but it has to cause them significant, wide-ranging problems

No Harry Potter, no Minecraft RP unless the characters are really explicitly fictionalized, I reserve the right to exclude from other media

Magnus the Red is in automatically

Submission form is HERE

Calling other tournaments: @chuunibyou-showdown, @weeb-polls-with-pip, @sleepyhead-poll @its-to-the-death @cinderpoll @princess-polls @mattapparentlystumbltourneys @namedafterflowerstournament @controversial-blorbo-bracket

#you know what this seems relevant

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

Piraputanga jumps out of water to pick fruit off a overhanging tree in the jungle rivers of Brazil

#fish #animals #nature #oops i posted this to the wrong blog! whatever it's great abd will stay

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

Elros didn't really exist, Elrond just ran back and forth really fast

#free to use #lotr #elrond #elros tar minyatur

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

Even before meeting any, Aule designed a home for the dwarves to dwell in after death. He made it full of useful ores, and gave the ground itself interesting properties. He made it alone, without the other Valar, so it has no rivers or trees, no birds or beasts. But it is a place you can see clearly for miles, dig as deep as you wish with no fear of balrogs or other things that dwell in molten stone, and build far high with little fear of falling or need to rely on spindly light materials.

In short, dead dwarves are on the moon.

#silmarillion #free to use #aule #valar #dwarves #the hobbit #i leave figuring out how this worked before the fall of numenor as an exercise for the reader

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

Guess what, I made another sideblog! If you have opinions about which Noldor are sexiest, or just want to laugh at the match ups, please check it out. Tumblr sadly filters the posts from main site tags for being Too Sexy, so reblogging is absolutely necessary!

Who's the sexiest Finwean?

Welcome to the sexiest Finwean poll, where we find out which one of the disaster elves is truly the most beautiful. Because let's be real, the one thing we can all agree on is that the Noldor are hot!

Bracket and details under the cut

After the two lightning-elimination polls, each round will last one week, and will go live by the end of Wednesday. The lightning round lasts a day and starts as soon as I get the posts set up.

Images are from TolkienGateway page on that character, unless specified otherwise. They do not necessarily indicate the character's canon, fanon, or headcanon appearance. If you have a non-explicit image that you think better displays a character's sexiness, AND that you have the right to (basically you're the artist), please submit it! I may choose it to be the poll image, and will post all submitted art.

I will post any text asks/submissions I receive too! If you want to explain why Aegnor is truly the most handsome elf of all time, worthy of the love of the wisest of the Edain, please send it in!

The mortal descendants of Elros have not been included for space reason. If someone else want to start a sexiest Numenorean king poll, I will cheer them on!

Spouses of Finweans have also not been included, but I may run a second poll after this one has concluded.

All polls will be tagged #SexyElfPolls, all propaganda arguing why one character is sexy will be tagged #SexyPropaganda, and all rules question/blog maintenance will be tagged #SexyOrganization.

Note that this is not a tournament about who is the most valid, or would win in a fight, or deserves the Silmarils. This is purely about which scion of Finwe is the most attractive!

#house of finwe #polls #shameless self promotion

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

Tumblr ads are weird but AOL's homepage is still full of WTF.

#the witch king of angmar #not my post but it fits this blog #(also the original poster is a satire/parody account and I doubt this ad ever actually ran) #nazgul can improve your prostate health by *bleeeeep*

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

The Feanorians attempt to retrieve the Silmaril from Doriath by laying siege to the whole forest.

It takes the Iathrim several years to notice, as they don't leave much anyway.

#free to use #silmarillion #noldor #sindar #feanorians

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

Theory: Nobody who writes a physics textbook gives any fucks

Evidence:

#elf eyes #not my post but it fits this blog

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

AU where everything is the same except that elves and hobbits swap heights.

Elves are generally around three feet tall, but particularly tall ones like Maedhros or Thingol are four feet tall. Hobbits by contrast are 6-8 feet tall.

#free to use #elves #hobbits

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

Lord Namo Mandos is terrible at aiming reborn elves and trying to hide it. He claims that it's important for a particular elf's healing to actually walk through the door and choose to face their family, but really he missed when trying to put them in their living room.

Namo's biggest mistake in this department was of course Glorfindel, who was accidentally sent to the completely wrong continent.

#silmarillon #valar #free to use #i am picturong Mandos placing reborn elves like picking up animals in zoo tycoon only his mouse is janky #sometimes they land a few dizen or few hundred feet away but sometimes it's in the wrong continent

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

When Maglor jumped into the sea with a Silmaril, Ulmo saw him - just as Ulmo saw Elwing jump decades before. And Ulmo helped the same way once more.

So Maglor is a sea gull now.

#maglor #silmarillion #free to use

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

- @zuko-just-wants-his-honor

Celebrimbor is definitely a crepy vampire baby that grows up way too fast. His mother was so freaked out by the pregnancy that she divorced Curufin, and she stayed human.

Elrond and Elros were... let's call it acquired... as playmates for Celebrimbor, when the Feanorians thought he would grow up at normal pace. By the time they found out about creepy half-vampire aging, Maglor had already declared the twins were his sons.

~~~

- @herinke9

Oh my god, yes. Caranthir is the edgy teen brooding heart-throb, and he hates it so much. All these girls are flirting with him and he yells at them to leave, but they think he's their own Mr. Darcy and just playing hard to get.

Curufin meanwhile is laughing at Caranthir and teasing him for being so irresistible. He calls him emo once, which just leads to an argument about emo vs goth vs gothic. Maedhros leaves the room so he doesn't have to listen to how obviously his brothers are flirting with each other, and meanwhile the whole cafeteria is expecting this to break out in violence.

Twilight AU where the incredibly hot otherworldly teens who never interact with others, are freakishly fast, and some of whom are dating each other are...

The sons of Feanor.

#reblogging my own posts #incest tw #free to use

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

Which, which of them are dating each other? Or is the dating each other part more a Finwion cousins thing?

- @erai-crabantaure

The way I see it, there are a couple options, and I suggest you go with whichever speaks to you most/is funniest

They are dating in the most common fandom Feanorincest pairings - Maedhros/Maglor, Celegorm/Curufin, Ambarussa twincest

All the Finweans are vampires, and the Feanorians are dating their cousins.

The Feanorians aren't dating each other at all, they just have zero boundaries between each other. Maglor sits in all his brothers' laps just to cuddle, and Celegorm licks Curufin's cheek to be annoying, and high school gossip assumes romantic relationships.

They roll dice every time they move to a new town to figure out who's fake-dating who this time, so only one of the seven appears romantically available at a time and the others don't have to deal with high school flirting.

Twilight AU where the incredibly hot otherworldly teens who never interact with others, are freakishly fast, and some of whom are dating each other are...

The sons of Feanor.

#reblogging my own posts #incest tw #also thought: in some towns they claim to only be six brothers and one of the Ambarussa skips school entirely #if anyone sees Amrod around town he just says he's Amras

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

Twilight AU where the incredibly hot otherworldly teens who never interact with others, are freakishly fast, and some of whom are dating each other are...

The sons of Feanor.

#feanorians #sons of feanor #silmarillon #free to use #except its a reverse of twilight in terms of their politics with other vampires #''oh yeah we don't eat people (anymore) but I've killed a bunch of people. I'll kill you if you break my brother's heart.'' #''The Volturi leave us alone because they know better than to fuck with Feanor.'' #probably vampire!Feanor invented the Silmarils which allow vampires to live without blood just so he work on projects longer in a row #and then Nerdanel pointed out that they could stop killing people

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

There is one canonical ruined city in Valinor though - Formenos!

Whichever son of Feanor is reborn first goes off to retreat away from the bustle of Tirion, doing penance by living in the city where his grandfather was murdered. And instead finds that it's become a tourist attraction, with a dozen towns just far enough away to not mess up the view, but close enough to spend an afternoon pondering the weight of the ages while trekking dramatically through the wreckage, and still be home by nightfall.

Elves born in the Second and Third Ages are used to having the ruins of earlier eras scattered around the landscape being Aesthetic, and are disappointed that there aren’t any in Valinor.

So they deliberately build cities, attack them with siege weaponry, and abandon them. It only takes around two hundred years to get that Haunted Vibe!

#reblogging my own posts #free to use #everyone should check out the notes on this post yall have great ideas #silmarillion #elves #valinor #bonus points: no one ever officially cancelled the decree making Formenos and its surroundings the lands of Feanor and his kin #Caranthir ir Amrod or whoever is now the liege lord of several thousand people he never met #they mostly think it's cool - a real Ancient Kinslayer in the ruined city! how Authentic (tm)! #they don't really listen to his orders but will help clean out a house for him and pay some taxes/admittance fees to the theme park #and sure he can represent them in council in Tirion if he wants; they've all been ignoring the city and will continue to do so

[shitty-tolkien-aus]

Finwe as Peter Parker/Spider-Man, Miriel as Gwen Stacy, Indis as MJ Watson.

#free to use #silmarillion #finwe #miriel therinde #indis #spiderman #the parallels to comics-verse especially