siriuslyblack2

[siriuslyblack2]

Hello all! :) I won't be presumptuous enough to assume that the few people that might come across this post know or care that this is the first time I have posted in a couple of years. Why I was suddenly compelled to do so is beyond me. This short glimpse into a muggle Sirius' life is really nothing special, certainly not enough to warrant coming out of a three year hiatus, but I have decided to go with the flow and let it stay up. I've been writing continuously for the past three years, just not posting, because I found it was extremely distressing for me to put my work out there in this vast, scarily creative world. It still is, so I will most likely go back into my cocoon now :) Nevertheless, I hope you will enjoy this depressing version of Sirius who I can't help but love. Thank you!

TW: mentions of child abuse, substance abuse and death of a family member

"Do you mind if I go for a smoke?"

The car goes suddenly quiet as Sirius turns the engine off. He's not itching for a cigarette, doesn't even really want one, but he feels like he deserves one. In his teenage years a smoke was more often than not followed by punishment, not necessarily because of the cigarette, but more so because of Sirius' general being.

He's an adult now and although that makes exactly zero difference, he's in a different country; he's allowed a smoke and no one can punish him for it.

"Go for it." Remus says, not looking at him as he reaches for the bag resting between his legs while he pops the door open. Sirius knows he's tired from his shift, knows that he generally doesn't talk much anyway on the drive back, but he also somehow knows this quietness is something else. Something Sirius can understand is negative. Worst of all, this something is aimed at him because of something he has done.

He watches, one hand still on the steering wheel, as Remus gets out of the car. His movements communicate how tired he is, and this tiredness has nothing to do with work. Sirius feels an unpleasant twist in his chest as Remus makes his painstaking way to the front door, pausing there for the full 30 seconds it takes for him to unlock it. He disappears behind it without looking back and Sirius lets out a breath he hadn't known he was holding.

He sits in the car for a moment. The silence imposes itself on him and he suddenly realizes he can't stand it and turns the engine back on in a flurry of movement. He pulls out of the driveway and heads straight to the corner shop. He gets himself an entire pack even though he has no intention of smoking them all.

He drives himself to the park and sits in his car. The cigarette feels intensely undesirable suddenly and he stares at it. It feels like he's a teenager again, doing things that he never wanted to just because he had too much of an ego to back out.

He knows why Remus is angry with him. Or maybe angry wasn't the right word. Angry was an emotion that Remus did not seem to possess, or if he did, he didn't express it in a way Sirius could recognize.

Remus was disappointed. At himself, or at Sirius, or their relationship, he didn't understand.

Sirius knows what Remus had been expecting when they'd decided to date. Sirius knows that Remus thought it would be a rough couple of weeks before there would come a blessed night where Sirius spilled his heart out and any lack of communication between them would dissolve in an instant. Sirius knows Remus had been waiting for the night to come, had been expecting it when Sirius' mom called out of the blue and Sirius wasn't sober enough to contain his anger and had yelled right back at her for over ten minutes, forgetting Remus' presence.

But instead of the breakdown Remus clearly had been expecting, the night had morphed itself into some cruel type of silence that neither Sirius nor Remus was courageous enough to break. Sirius knows the silence had been his doing, but he hadn't meant it to happen. He just hadn't known what to say.

That was the first time Sirius could sense Remus' certainty in their relationship falter.

That had been a couple of weeks ago now and every time something happened that should've pushed Sirius over the edge, but didn't, at least not in the way Remus was waiting for, Sirius could feel the distance between them expand. He knows how this will end. He's not only seen it, but experienced it before as well.

Remus seemed unable to navigate his way through their relationship whenever Sirius got quiet. Sirius knows that his silence is perceived as anger, or irritation and Remus is afraid to push. He has tried, of course, but Sirius has never felt brave enough to relent. He sees that the path their relationship is taking is the same one all his relationships have been down before. He knows where it stops and he knows he has to be the one to change its course. But he doesn't and each time he doesn't, it becomes a little too late.

He lights the cigarette in a moment of teenage-ish rebellion and puts it between his lips.

His childhood was not uncommon in any sense. Miserable parents taking their misery out on their children, angry children taking their anger out by abusing substances that they never realize have more power over them than their parents ever did. He still gets scared, thinking about how carelessly he'd throw his life away for hours each night, just for some peace, just for some relief from his thoughts.

He hadn't known the damage he was causing, he hadn't known that what he was playing with was bigger than him or his problems. By the time he'd figured it out, the alcohol had done a number on his body.

But looking back he still doesn't know how he would've survived without the alcohol. He'd done it because there was a time where he knew he couldn't bear to live the life he was living sober. He'd done it because he knew having to feel the pain and anger real time was something he couldn't do anymore. The words thrown at him, the threats delivered, the destroying of things he held so dearly, the hits that came each night had just become too much by then.

The alcohol had taken away the edge, for a time. It might have destroyed some part of him, but it was largely the reason he was still here.

And now there was Remus.

Sirius sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before taking another drag of his cigarette.

To explain all of this, (in painful detail, as he knew Remus was expecting) when the person he'd become, the person Remus has always known, was so far from that teenager, seemed impossible.

He'd be the first one to admit that while his parents were deeply flawed people, he had never been an easy child. He had been arrogant (although that could have just been so he could hide how insecure he was), entitled, loud, bold, crass, and worst of all, utterly afraid. He'd come to learn that it was the people who let their fear guide them you had to be the most careful around. It was a strange type of danger, having to be wary of someone who was so afraid themselves.

It was one of his deepest sorrows that, while he could acknowledge his parents did a number on him, he suspected that was the type of person he truly was. Some type of a ticking bomb, always angry and something to be afraid of.

He'd worked hard to change himself. He'd worked hard to go against his every instinct, to go against his every habit, to do what was not easy, to do what was right. While he generally did not view his past self in a positive light, he could also appreciate that he had, in a twisted sense, radiated some type of excitement that his peers had been attracted to. Sirius Black, the kid who'd do anything and everything you asked him to, as long as you got him drunk enough.

So it was not very surprising to him to see that as he'd changed, his social circle thinned. He'd grown boring. He'd grown cautious and careful, two words that no one would have ever associated with him. Worst of all, he'd grown.. sad. Depression hit him in a way that was typical now. In a way that you could spot from a mile away. He was just like anyone else now. Someone who was trying their best to cope with the damage that was inflicted on them.

He knows people still talk about him, he knows he draws attention to himself, but now he knows that it isn't because of his personality, but because of his secrecy. People are curious to see what damaged him and how it damaged him, especially when he's adamant on not giving an inch, not letting anyone know.

He also knows he wouldn't have ever been able to change so drastically if it wasn't for his brother. Regulus' death had hit him like a freight train. If he was being honest, he hadn't made the change so much as the change made him.

Either way, for all of his talk of being healthier now, he still hadn't gotten over Regulus' death in any real sense. He'd learnt not to think about it too much, to push it away the second it wormed its way into its mind, but that was what laid beneath all of his silences. Every time he was quiet, every time Remus was waiting for him, every time anyone was waiting for him, he'd see Regulus in his mind's eye. Young and afraid. Too small for all the big things happening around him.

It got in his way every time he thought he was stable enough to be in a real relationship. While Remus thought he was scared to open up, Sirius knew that really, he is incapable. It was not something that he is able to, or will ever be able to do. Remus has been waiting for something that was never going to happen.

He's known it from the day they began dating, but out of some foolish, childish desire to have someone with him who cared, who loved him, he'd never brought it up.

He drops the cigarette about halfway through it, unreasonably disgusted that he gave into one of his older habits. He opens his car door and stamps the cigarette out. He drives back home slowly where he knows Remus is waiting for him in bed, still flickering with the hope that Sirius would change, would let him in, would face his fears.

Sirius parks his car in his driveway and walks to the front door, thinking about how exactly he was going to end this relationship, how exactly he was going to let the love of his life know that he is, has always been, nothing more than a coward.

#sirius black #remus lupin #sirius x lupin #wolfstar #muggle au #harry potter #marauders

[siriuslyblack2]

I follow you on insta and I love your writing!! thank you sm for being amazing! I was just wondering if you took asks? if not it’s chill, but if so could you write something about sirius and regulus and their relationship w their parents? sorry it’s vague but I would absolutely love it! ty and keep being awesome

I don't know how I missed this, I'm just seeing this now, so sorry! Thank you so much! <3 I'm not taking asks as of now though sorry :/ But thank you for being so supportive🥰

[siriuslyblack2]

yes we definitely need a part two

I will try, but I can't promise anything. Because if it doesn't come out the way I want it to then it definitely won't be seeing the light of day XD xoxo

[siriuslyblack2]

I need. I need a part 2. please. it's killing me. I will do anything. I need them to be happy. Sirius please pull your head out of your fucking arse and realize this boy is in love with you.

Haha I wasn't exactly planning for a part 2, but now I kind of want to start and see where it goes, so maybe! And yes Sirius is very much in love too he just doesn't know it yet😌 Maybe Remus will give him the little push that he needs🙂

[siriuslyblack2]

Christ

Sirius looked devastatingly gorgeous, leaning against the door way like that. He had his hands tucked in his pockets, his entire body tilted to the right, and there was something about him that was just so.. boyish and Remus wanted to die.

“Moony! Up you get. You can’t be sulking here all evening.”

“I’m not sulking.” Remus said, petulantly, hands cradling the book he always read when he was sulking. 

Sirius marched right up to him and Remus felt his stomach flip as he neared. He leaned down, snatching the book away from Remus. Remus would’ve reacted if it weren’t for the fact that Sirius’ fingers had brushed his lap and now he was finding it very hard to draw oxygen in. 

“I don’t care. You’re not missing the best party of the year.”

“I thought your birthday party was the best party of the year.”

“You’re not missing the second best party of the year.”

Remus hummed, sinking further into his bed. Sirius tutted,

“Up you get. Time to get dressed and socialize.”

“I’m tired.”

“You were going to stay up all night reading that book, anyway.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. Now c’mon. And stop acting like someone shoved a stick up your arse.”

“But the moon..”

“Is two weeks away. You can’t use that excuse on someone who has every full moon memorized up until 7th year.”

Remus grumbled as he threw the blankets off of him slowly, before sitting up in bed. He glared up at Sirius who gave him a bright grin in return,

“Good boy. Now get dressed.”

“What if I want to come down like this?”

“I’m certainly not stopping you, but don’t come crying to me when girls start clinging to you the entire evening.”

Remus snorted, rubbing a hand over his face. He really wasn’t in the mood for partying but maybe if he came down and showed his face for a good 5 minutes, James will take the pity and send him right back up to the dorms. 

Something in Sirius’ eyes shifted and he cocked his head, “Are you really not feeling well?”

Remus sighed. Physically, he was feeling really good, actually. For the first time in weeks, there was no twinge, no small ache, no burning cuts plaguing him. But still all he wanted to do was to crawl into bed and never come out. That’s a good enough reason, isn’t it? 

Remus looked up at Sirius and nodded and slumping back against the pillows. 

“What’s up?”

“Nothing. I’ve got a headache.”

“Oh.. You don’t look like you do.”

“How does someone look like they have a headache?”

“I don’t know. They’ll look all miserable and shitty.”

“Do I not look all miserable and shitty?”

“Fair point.”

Sirius flopped down on the foot of Remus’ bed, “Well, I can’t have you looking all miserable and shitty alone, now can I?”

“You can, actually. Go down, you’re missing the party.”

“Like I said, its only the second best party of the year.”

Remus sighed, tucking his legs back under the blanket and sinking down low so that the covers reached till his chest. He wriggled his toes just to feel Sirius’ body still over the covers. He felt giddy.

Sirius, if he had felt Remus’ stupid wriggling toes poking into his side, didn’t mention it. Instead he settled more comfortably on top of Remus’ legs, smiling.

“What do you wanna do?”

“Sleep.”

“Fun.” Sirius commented.

“Is it, though?”

“No.”

“Go back to the party, Sirius.”

Sirius sighed, the first sign of defeat seeping into his otherwise overly cheery mood. “Moony, what’s going on? You never want to do anything fun anymore.”

Remus closed his eyes, head falling back against the pillows. What was going on was that he couldn’t stand to see Marlene and Sirius all over each other at every party. What was going on was that Remus had had enough of seeing the look that crossed Sirius’ face every time he leaned down for a kiss, the way his hands snaked around her waist, the way his red lips parted for her, the flushed look he got when they finally pulled apart. 

What was going on was that he didn’t want to hate Marlene. He didn’t want to spend all his time wishing he was in her place. 

So, like the mature, responsible boy he was, he did the only thing that seemed reasonable. He avoided them like the plague. 

He knew it wouldn’t take long for Sirius to know something was up, but he had hoped Sirius wouldn’t mention it. He suspected James knew something too, because usually he’d be right along with Sirius, pushing him to attend each and every party. He didn’t though. And unless he had acquired some new found respect for Remus’ privacy, James knew something. Remus didn’t want to think about it. 

But it seemed like Sirius and Marlene had had a row. Remus wouldn’t know of course, he had been avoiding them for about two weeks now. But he had heard something about it from James last a few nights ago. Remus felt horrible for hoping they would break up and had resigned to quietly wondering rather than asking about it to James himself. 

Everyone wanted Sirius. Remus didn’t want to be a part of everyone. 

“I just- I don’t know. I don’t feel like it.”

Sirius remained unconvinced, like Remus knew he would. He was finding it impossibly hard to lie to Sirius these days. 

“Bullshit. But since you clearly aren’t willing to tell me, I’ll let it go. Be warned, Lupin, I’ll find out one way or another.”

Remus snorted, humming, before closing his eyes again. The weight on his legs shifted and he cracked an eye open, watching Sirius scramble up to the head of the bed next to him. 

“What’re you doing?”

“Getting comfortable.”

Remus swallowed. 

It wasn’t good for any part of Remus’ body to be this close to Sirius. His heart was already racing, his stomach wet with nerves, and his brain already processing a hundred stupid things to say. 

“Why aren’t you going down?” Remus asked, voice hoarse.

“’Cause I don’t feel like it.” Sirius replied, raising an eyebrow.

Remus sighed, looking ahead again. Despite what he said earlier, he was in no mood to sleep now. He didn’t think he could if he wanted to. Sirius was here, lying next to him, when he could’ve gone downstairs, surrounded and worshipped by everyone there. Remus’ heart gave a hopeless flutter. 

He watched Sirius out of the corner of his eyes. He was laying on his back, elbows propping him up, ankle crossed over an ankle. He had his hands laced together on his stomach. His skin looked creamy and smooth, chest rising evenly. Remus wanted nothing more than to shift, lay his head on that soft, strong chest, listen to his heartbeat and feel his warmth. He wanted Sirius to put his arms around him. He wanted Sirius to want that. 

“Are you just going to fall asleep?” He asked, voice a little hoarse as if he’d caught Remus looking. Remus felt heat rise up to his neck. 

“If you don’t shut up, how can I?”

“Well don’t mind me. I’ll just be here,” Sirius reached to grab Remus’ book that he’d tossed on James’ bed only minutes ago, “reading my book all by my lonesome.”

“My book.”

“I’m sorry, I thought you had some sleep to catch up on?”

Remus glared before turning over, shutting his eyes firmly. Ignore him.

“Remus.”

Remus huffed, “I’m sorry, I have some sleep to catch up on.”

“I was joking, I didn’t think you’d actually go to sleep.”

“It’s not like I’m forcing you to be here. You can go down.”

“But I miss you.”

Remus’ eyes opened. He turned. “What?”

Sirius looked awkward suddenly, “That was a weird way of putting it. I mean I see you everyday. But, like, we haven’t been talking as much as we used to, you know?”

Remus knows. He knows because its his fault. 

“Well, I mean yeah, I just- class and stuff. OWLs.”

Sirius shuffled, eyes on Remus’ duvet. “I get that, but I asked- I mean I asked James and Peter if you guys have been hanging out and they all seemed to think everything was as it used to be.”

Fuck, Remus really doesn’t know what to say.

Sirius took a breath and looked up, straight at Remus. Remus wasn’t prepared for it. 

“Moony.. we’re okay, right? I didn’t do anything?”

As soon as the question registered in Remus’ mind he was scrambling to sit up. 

“Of course. I- I mean of course we’re good. Sorry, I really just have been busy. You didn’t do anything, trust me. Everything’s good.” 

Sirius smiled. He seemed relieved. Remus was startled to know the amount of trouble he’d caused Sirius without even knowing it. 

“Good. Honestly. it was silly of me to worry. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Sirius laughed, waving his hand around. 

Remus smiled back. Sirius needed his friends. Remus had to just suck it up and be there for him, even if only as that. Somewhere faintly in the back of his mind, he realized how much trouble he was willing to put himself in to save Sirius from it. It was a worrying thought. 

Sirius was back to fiddling with the book and Remus realized just how much Sirius would hate to miss a party. Remus took a breath, leaning over and gently taking the book from Sirius. 

“Party you said?”

Sirius lit up. Remus’ heart ached. 

Whatever he felt for Sirius was clearly not worth it. It was time for Remus to shoulder the pain he was taking from Sirius. 

#wolfstar #Remus Lupin #remus x sirius #james & peter & remus & sirius #James Potter #Sirius orion black #sirius x lupin

[siriuslyblack2]

Trigger warning: Depression, anxiety and dark thoughts

Most days Remus can get by. 

He can get up, take a shower, brush his teeth, get dressed and make breakfast. Sometimes he even nods his head along to the songs playing on the radio. By the time he’s done, by the time he’s sitting and bending to tie his shoe laces, he feels like he just ran a marathon, exhaustion seeping through his every limb. He has to sit for a while, head tilted back against his chair, and remind himself that it shouldn’t be this hard to draw in a breath. But it is. And he can’t seem to make it any easier. 

Then he steps out into the world, leaves the comfort of his house, and forces himself to put on a smile and go to work because its the only way he can keep a roof over his head. 

The weekends are always the worst.

Remus does absolutely nothing but lay in bed, naked, sometimes eating too much, other times eating nothing at all. Even breathing feels like a chore. Existing, a burden. Most times he can’t even remember his weekends, they all seem to be a blur of sleep and no sleep, and this heaviness in his chest that he can’t seem to get rid of. Sometimes, he blearily blinks at the clock and it reads 2:47 A.M. And then, after what feels like 5 minutes, he looks again and somehow its already 5 P.M. 

The only thing that drags him out of bed on Monday morning for work again, is his retched alarm. It rings every Monday morning at 7 A.M. sharp and while Remus feels nothing but numbness these days, for reasons he doesn’t understand, he has a blinding hatred for the alarm. He pulls himself out of bed at 6:59 because he cannot stand to hear the jarring, happy tone of his alarm, echoing off his walls. He pulls himself out of bed, just so he can switch the damned alarm off before it rings. One day, he couldn’t find it in himself to get up and he’d just watched his digital clock tick, a sense of dread building up in him with every passing second. 

6:59:00

Get up, Remus.

He couldn’t do it.

6:59:16

Get up, get up.

I can’t.

6:59:31

He feels the panic well up inside him. Get up. 

6:59:48

Fuck you. Why won’t you get up?

6:59:56

His toes twitch. His hands ball up the blanket. Getupgetupgetupget-

7:00:00

His alarm blares. Before Remus’ mind can catch up, he throws his clock across the room.

He could always switch off the alarm. Or maybe even change the ringtone. But he finds he needs it. He doesn’t know why, but its the drive that gets him out of bed. In a weird way, its comforting even. Every time he springs out of bed to beat the alarm, it feels like he’s achieved something and a momentary relief courses through his body before it settles back into the mind-numbing dread again. 

Everything feels like it goes in slow motion and too fast at the same time. Remus feels insignificant, worthless. Sometimes the weight of his thoughts are too much to bear and he rolls over in bed, burying his face in a pillow. 

He even went to a muggle shrink once, in a moment of complete and utter desperation. He had been nervous and twitchy, his trembling hands playing with his fingers. She had smiled encouragingly at him and he began talking. She told him a few things he could do to try and take the edge off and for that day, it did feel like a relief. Talking to someone.

He couldn’t go back though. It was too tiring to even try. 

He’s lonely, he thinks.

He’s thought about getting a dog or a cat once or twice, but dismisses the idea quickly when his mind reminds him he is worthless and cannot even feed himself 3 times a day. He shouldn’t be trusted with pets. He shouldn’t be trusted with anything. 

The day bleeds into the night. Remus lies awake sometimes, watching the sun set and moon rise absentmindedly. He thinks of the pain he suffers during the full moon and feels a little better. He’s so used to not feeling anything, that physical pain is a welcomed relief. 

There are days when Remus can find it in himself to watch something on the television and laugh. There are days where he manages to distract himself before things get too bad. There are days where the silver lining is so much easier to find.

But then he always slips. And it takes ages to pull himself out of it. 

Sometimes his brain forces him to think of Sirius. And he does. He thinks of Sirius’ smile, thinks of every time in his life when he was feeling low, Sirius had been there to hold his hand and hold him and tell him everything will be alright even thought neither of them believe it. 

He expects to feel worse every time he thinks of it, but he never does. He feels covered and warm for a moment, thinking of that. He tries to remind himself that yes, there was once a time in his life when he was truly happy. Except now Sirius is in azkaban and he’s probably going to die in there.

He likes to think of kissing Sirius sometimes and how it felt like the closest thing to heaven. When he walks home from work, sometimes he looks at young couples and wonders if they’re experiencing exactly what Sirius and him were all those years ago. He hopes so. 

He also hopes he finds it again soon. If not in Sirius, then someone else. 

~

1995

This time when the sun rises on Monday morning, and the clock hits 7 A.M, Remus doesn’t move to shut off his alarm. The happy tone somehow seeps in him and he stretches, toes curling, eyes blinking blearily at the figure stirring next to him.

“Ugh, Moony, why the hell did you pick that for your ringtone?” Sirius mumbles while pulling his pillow up to his ear to block out the sound. He’s here again, not in azkaban, but sleeping next to Remus again. Remus is absolutely glowing.

Remus smiles, lazily moving to shut it off, “I don’t know,” He says, “It’s not so bad, really.”

#trigger warning depression #trigger warning anxiety #trigger warning dark thoughts #Remus Lupin #Sirius orion black #remus x sirius #james & peter & remus & sirius #wolfstar #sirius x lupin #Harry Potter

[siriuslyblack2]

What the fuck are you doing, Remus?

Remus stares at the door in front of him. There aren’t any Christmas decorations which, for some reason, makes Remus feel even more stupid. 

What the fuck are you doing?

Remus interrupts his inner monologue that tells him repeatedly that this was the stupidest idea he’s had in a while as he raises his fist, timidly knocking thrice, before blowing out a sigh and letting his hand drop back to his side. 

What the fuck are you doing?

This time Remus hears it loud and clear. What is he doing? He hasn’t seen Sirius in months and now he’s just shown up at his door, uninvited. Fuck. This is insane. He should’ve just sat at home, reading his book. Fuck, what if Sirius has guests over? What would Remus even say? 

Just fucking make a break for it. 

Remus is seconds away from doing just that when the door swings wide open. His breath catches in his throat and he stares dumbfounded as he watches Sirius’ eyebrows furrow for a millisecond, before recognition lights up his entire face. 

“Remus?”

It takes Remus a second to respond as Sirius’ rich, soft, velvety voice fills him up to the brim. Even his inner monologue is speechless. He decides Sirius should never say his name ever again because Remus cannot stand the thought of melting into a puddle every time he does. 

“Uh, hi.”

It looks like Sirius is stifling a smile and Remus feels stupid for simply existing. “Hi.”

His inner monologue once again fails him because what falls out of his mouth next is another disappointing, “Hi.”

Sirius doesn’t bother hiding his smile this time as he crosses his arms over his chest and leans against his door frame, “What’re you doing here?”

Remus swallows and looks around for a moment because Sirius looks much too amused for Remus’ liking. He opens his mouth, “I- um, I just- I mean its Christmas, so I thought- Well, um- It’s kind of stupid now that I think about it. I just um-”

“Come in, Remus.”

At least Sirius was kind enough to save Remus from embarrassing himself further. He’s been here all of 3 minutes and he’s probably felt more embarrassment than Sirius has in his entire life. He does not make eye contact with Sirius as he mumbles a quiet thank you before walking inside the house. 

It looks just like he remembers. There’s a sofa shoved next to the wall and a T.V across from it, a coffee table in between. Remus stands and turns as he waits for Sirius to shut the door, looking for some kind of direction because he doesn’t want to sit unless Sirius tells him to do so.

“Tea?” Sirius asks him instead. Remus nods.

And fuck me, Remus thinks as Sirius walks into the kitchen, his ass looks nicer than I remember.

Remus blinks and follows Sirius into the kitchen. The entire house has a sort of modern feel to it and Remus thinks that suits Sirius perfectly. 

“I thought you might be at the Potters’.” Remus’ says once he’s sure he’ll be able to speak without stuttering. He feels more accomplished than he should when he does. 

Sirius chuckles quietly as he boils some water. “Nah, not this year. Thought it might be nice for them to spend the holiday as a family for once, without me intruding.”

Remus made a protesting noise instantly, “You’d never be intruding. They love you.”

Sirius hums but doesn’t show any signs of wanting to continue that conversation so Remus follows his lead and drops it. “What about you?”

Remus lets out a breath because that’s why he’s here. Because he was alone at home, lonely as fuck, staring at his phone, wishing he was back home where he would’ve been surrounded by friends and family. It had taken all of 2 seconds before he remembered another person who’d be alone too. A person whose company Remus actually likes. Craves, even. So, naturally, his brain had convinced him to put on a coat and walk to Sirius’ house where hopefully they could be alone, together.

And now that that’s happened, he doesn’t know what the fuck he should do about it.

“Was just sitting at the flat. I wasn’t able to go back home this time,” He clears his throat. “Hence why I’m here. I hope that it’s okay?”

Sirius’ smile widens and he hums, “Perfectly okay.”

Remus clears his throat again, “Good. Great.” He looks around, “You didn’t have any plans, then?”

Sirius brings their tea over and hands a mug to Remus who takes it instantly, wrapping his frozen hands around the heat of the mug. “None. I’m glad you’re here.”

And Remus just about chokes on his tea because he was not expecting to hear that and therefore he was not prepared. He just aims a smile at Sirius though because he didn’t think he could respond even if he wanted to. 

Sirius looks perfectly content as he collapses onto his sofa with a sigh, before looking up at Remus with a smile and gesturing for him to sit as well. Remus crosses the room quickly and sits, making sure to put enough space between them because although Remus is a mature, grown man, when he’s around Sirius, he tends to act like a teenager. 

“What were you doing before I got here?”

Sirius takes a sip of his tea and licks his lips and Remus really has to look away, “Watching T.V. As you can see, I’ve not been doing anything really Christmassy.”

And yes, Remus had deduced that already because he hadn’t laid eyes on one single decoration in the house. “Yeah, me neither. Just thinking about decorating a tree makes me sad.”

“Your mum must’ve been devastated that you weren’t able to make it home.”

Remus snorts, “Oh yeah, she just about fainted. She’d been keeping an eye out for gifts for me since, like, October.”

Sirius smiles kindly, “Must be nice to have someone miss you like that.”

Remus tilts his head. He’d always known that Sirius and James were practically brothers but he hadn’t really thought of why Sirius never mentions his family. Unsure of whether he’d be crossing a line, Remus hesitates before asking, “Not close to your family, then?”

Sirius scrunches his nose, laughing breathily before shaking his head. “No. Not at all. I don’t even know where they are, at the moment.” His tone is light but Remus, having an excellent ability to sense most people’s emotions, can feel Sirius’ sadness.

“I’m sorry-”

Sirius shakes his head, waving a hand dismissively, “Nah, don’t worry about it. I’ve gotten over it. Hard not to when you have the Potters.”

Remus smiles because that’s nice to hear. He’s suddenly so thankful to James.

“So, what were you doing?”

“Sulking.”

Sirius laughs, “Predictable.”

“Shut up.” Remus says and yeah, there’s that teenager in him resurfacing. Remus struggles to push it down. “I got some work done in the morning and then just like, stared at the ceiling for four hours straight.”

“How fun.”

“It was actually. I bet you don’t know how many tiles your bedroom ceiling has.”

“You got me there. So, you spent Christmas learning how to count?”

“Pretty much.”

“What made you come here?”

Fuck, because the answer to that question is one Remus knows Sirius doesn’t want to hear. What could he even say that didn’t sound majorly creepy? Because the truth of the matter was that Remus has been crushing on Sirius ever since he’d laid eyes on him 2 years back. They’d only had a handful of conversations that lasted longer than 10 minutes, but each time, Sirius had never failed to charm the shit out of Remus. Remus had friends who were friends with Sirius and had been invited to some of Sirius’ parties, which is how Remus knew where Sirius lived in the first place. 

And it wasn’t like Remus to get hung up over a guy at all. Remus’ dating life was practically non existent, simply because he was too caught up with work to have much time for anything of that sort. Also because he never seemed to be able to catch feelings as quickly as those around him. That bothered him a tiny bit. Then there was Sirius. He’d barely said five words to Remus the first time they’d met and Remus had been ready to give Sirius his all. It freaked him out more than he could say. 

“Just um- I don’t know. Marlene mentioned that you might be alone for Christmas too. Thought we could both use the company.” Remus tries to laugh as his mind went into overdrive, replaying the words that had just come out of his mouth and trying to see if they were giving off anything other than friendly vibes. 

Sirius tilts his head, a smile working around his mouth slowly. Remus feels a little hot all over, despite the freezing temperature. He tries his best to return the gaze he’s getting from Sirius now. 

Sirius hums before leaning over to set his mug down on the coffee table. Remus watches, his heart beating a little faster as he catches sight of Sirius’ back muscles moving underneath his shirt. 

Sirius sits back against the sofa before looking back at Remus, “Two years has been an excruciatingly long amount of time.” He says as he takes Remus’ mug and sets that down too. 

Remus can hardly hear himself over the blood rushing faster in his system. “What?”

Sirius smiles and for a moment its all Remus can see. Then he jolts out of it as he feels Sirius put a hand on his knee. “Two tears has been an excruciatingly long amount of time,” he repeats as he scoots closer to Remus, “to pretend like I don’t want you.”

And then Sirius’ mouth was on his. 

Remus barely has time to let out a surprised noise before his body reacts instantly by bringing his hand up to Sirius’ hair and Lord this man has beautiful hair. He moves his lips softly against Sirius’, taking his time, feeling surprised and not surprised at all at the same time. This was bound to happen eventually. 

When they pull away, Remus rests his forehead against Sirius’, taking in the blue in his eyes as he attempts to catch his breath. “Totally,” He pants, “Totally, worth the wait.”

Sirius grins, leaning in to kiss Remus once more and Remus thanks his inner monologue with everything in him for convincing him to go to Sirius’ house in the first place. 

“Merry Christmas, Remus.”

Remus smiles, “Merry Christmas.”

#Harry Potter #wolfstar #James Potter #remus x sirius #Sirius orion black #sirius x lupin #Remus Lupin #James Potter x Lily Evans #james & peter & remus & sirius #jily

[siriuslyblack2]

If Peter was certain about anything, it was that everyone had secrets. Some more obvious than others. Some more grave than others. Some shameful. Some forgotten.

He had first realized this when he was nine. He didn’t really know if his nine year old self had really grasped the concept of a secret. He didn’t think his nine year old self deemed secrets to be any deeper than don’t tell mum I took the last of the chocolates or don’t tell dad that I was the one who broke the lamp. 

So, when he found his mum crying in the dark corners of her bedroom, he was pretty confused. He couldn’t even imagine that there was something going on in her life that he wasn’t privy to. 

So, he had done the most logical thing he could think of. He walked in and sat next to her, frowning and grasping her hand to grab her attention. When she looked at him, face flushed and teary, he had asked, “What’s wrong?”

She had only smiled at him tearfully, sniffing once before grabbing his face gently and planting a kiss on the top of his head. “Nothing to worry about, my darling. Go back to bed.”

It was the first time she hadn’t told him something when he had asked and he certainly didn’t like it. He wanted to know. 

His mother didn’t tell him, of course. She sent him straight to bed where he laid awake, listening to her crying and wondering how she could keep something from him. 

Now, Peter figured it probably had something to do with his poor excuse of a father. Ha, he wanted to snort, you’re not the only one with the family problems, Sirius.

Then, when he was 11, he met Moony. 

Remus was a walking secret. Sometimes, Peter thought that must’ve been what attracted James and Sirius to Remus so much. The more Remus tried to hide from the spotlight, the more attention he brought to himself. The scars didn’t help. The defense mechanisms didn’t help.

Peter had wanted to stay away. A person who was built on secrets, so deep rooted and so scared of people finding out, couldn’t possibly be anything but trouble. 

Of course, Sirius and James didn’t see it that way. Remus was exciting, to them. A person, a 11 year old for God sakes, with so many layers to him. That’s what made him unpredictable. That’s what Sirius liked about him. 

Peter could understand. He could understand the thrill of being around someone who carried the world’s secrets. What he couldn’t understand was why James and Sirius chose to stick around even after discovering them. 

Remus was his own secret. Peter had always been wary, and he thought Remus had always known that. 

Sirius was different. Sirius’ were harder to spot.

Because Sirius and James were the epitome of happiness when they were together. Peter thought he must’ve been the first one to notice the facade fall the minute James turned away. Peter thought he must’ve been the first one to notice the tiny slip in Sirius’ smile when the sorting hat yelled Gryffindor. 

Over time, Sirius’ secret weighed down on him. By second year, he was quietly begging someone to take his secrets from him. And James and Remus had been right there. They had readily took Sirius’ problems and made it their own. Peter didn’t want to, so he hadn’t. It was like James and Remus had been holding up Sirius’ problems, bearing the weight of them, while Peter stood behind, doing a convincing job of pretending to. 

Quietly, privately, Peter always thought Sirius had been digging his own grave since he was sorted into Gryffindor. Sirius was a pureblood, coming from one of the most respectful, prestigious families in Britain. If he had just kept his head down, just done what he was supposed to do, he would know power that was beyond any of them. Peter didn’t understand how someone as clever as Sirius was foolish enough to throw it all away. Peter didn’t understand a lot of things about Sirius. He didn’t understand Sirius’ blind loyalty to his friends. Looking back, maybe that was the part Peter should’ve focused on. You didn’t get away with crossing Sirius Black’s friends, much less killing them.

James was different. James was practically made of glass.

Peter had never met someone so open in his life. Peter had recognized straight away that James Potter had never had to keep a secret for himself in his life. James had been pure, clean, before Sirius and Remus dumped all their problems into him. They gave James their secrets to keep. And James had been glad to do it. More than glad. 

James was Sirius’ release. James was Remus’ support. 

James was Peter’s opportunity.

Cutting off James, meant cutting off the marauders. 

And Sirius had given him his golden chance. James finally had a secret. And Sirius let Peter keep it. 

He didn’t know what made him think he could get away with it. Not with Sirius Black around. Not with Remus Lupin around. In some ways they were scarier than Voldemort himself. He didn’t underestimate Sirius’ power when he was angry. But that was part of it. When Sirius was angry, his power deflected, no longer able to aim it onto one target, Peter, in this case. 

Peter had gotten away with it. He knew he wouldn’t last long, though. Remus would eventually work it out. 

He hadn’t. Not for a long time. Peter felt drunk on power. 

But then Sirius escaped. And Peter knew Sirius was focused. His only aim would be to find Peter. Peter knew he couldn’t get away a second time.

But he had.

And as his silver hand found his own throat, hand tightening and tightening, his helpless eyes finding the younger version of James gazing back at him in horror, Peter realized he never really stood a chance.

#peter pettigrew #James Potter #lily evans x james potter #remus x sirius #Sirius orion black #sirius x lupin #James Potter x Lily Evans #james & peter & remus & sirius #wolfstar #jily #harry potter

[siriuslyblack2]

“Sirius, if you don’t stop this car in the next two minutes, I will pee all over you.”

Sirius tipped his sunglasses back over his eyes from where they were pushed back against his hair. “That doesn’t scare me.”

“Sirius! Will you just pull over? I need to pee. Like really badly.”

Sirius chuckled, “Yeah, there’s a gas station coming up. Just hold it in.”

“I’ve been holding it in for so long. This is not good for me, you know.”

“Well, what do you want me to do about it? I can pull over now and you can pee in the bushes, if you want.”

“Gas station it is.”

“That’s what I thought.”

Sirius had taken his gap year just like he’d said he would. He’d even started looking into colleges, for the both of them, even though Remus still had his senior year to get through.

It had been a bit of a hard year, for Remus. He was finding it a little harder than usual to get through school without Sirius by his side. He never realized how much he’d depended on Sirius until he left.

On top of that, they still hadn’t told Sirius’ parents about their relationship. It was a lot of Remus sneaking into Sirius’ room after everyone had already gone to bed, and sneaking back into his room early in the morning. Remus didn’t want to admit it, but it was getting a little tiring.

Sirius must’ve felt the same way because the moment Remus had come back from school that day, looking forward to the weekend, Sirius was there, grinning with his car keys twirling around his finger. He had two bags packed.

Remus still wasn’t sure what exactly Sirius had told his parents, but he was more than a little grateful to get to spend an entire weekend alone with Sirius. He could stare, he could touch, he could do whatever he pleased. His whole body felt alive with the knowledge.

“Alright, go pee, I’ll get us some snacks,” Sirius said as he pulled into the first available parking spot at the gas station. The car had barely stopped before Remus was popping the door open and jumping out, barely comprehending Sirius’ laugh from behind him as he slammed the door shut.

Bladder emptied, Remus walked out, smiling when he saw Sirius heading back to the car, balancing a mountain of snacks in both hands. He walked a bit faster then, getting to the drivers’ door before Sirius, and popping it open for him, moving aside to let Sirius through.  

“Thanks, babe,” Sirius said, dumping the snacks into his seat, before turning and kissing Remus firmly on the mouth. It took Remus by surprise and he fisted Sirius’ jacket, before kissing back eagerly. They’d never kissed out in the open before, as far as he could remember. It made his stomach flip. He couldn’t even imagine a whole weekend of this.

He grinned dopily as Sirius pulled away, laughing at the look on Remus’ face, “What?”

“I like kissing you.” Remus said, before promptly leaning up and kissing him again. He could feel the wind against his skin, he could feel the sky stretched out above him, and he could feel the cement beneath his sneakers. All of that indicated that they were out in the open. He was kissing Sirius out in the open. He could do that now. He felt a shiver of excitement.

Sirius pulled away, laughing, “Alright, alright, if we don’t stop now, we’ll never make it to the cabin.”

Remus hummed, pressing one last kiss to Sirius’ cheek before stepping back and moving to the passenger side, settling in and helping Sirius stow the snacks in the backseat.

“So, how much longer now?” Remus asked, as he opened a bag of chips. Sirius started the car, backing out of the parking lot.

“Not much. 30 minutes, maybe.”

Remus hummed, grabbing a chip and holding it to Sirius’ mouth. Sirius smiled at him before taking it in his mouth.

The Blacks owned a cabin by the ocean about two hours away from where they lived. Remus had been there a few times, but never alone with Sirius. He still couldn’t believe it. It would be just the two of them.

“How did you even convince your parents to let us go?” Remus asked, as he munched on his chips.

“I’m 18 now, I don’t need permission.”

Remus snorted, “How much did you have to beg?”

“Stop. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Remus laughed, leaning over the center console to plant a kiss on Sirius’ neck. “Well, thank you. I’m very excited.”

Sirius smiled, glancing over at him. “Yeah?”

Remus felt a flutter of excitement. “Mhm.”

 ~

Remus never, ever wanted to leave.

Sirius had grabbed their bags and Remus their snacks, dumping it all on the bed before they changed into their swimming trunks and headed straight out to the ocean while the sun was still up.

Remus sighed contently. He was floating on his back, the water cool against his skin, the sound of waves lapping around them filling his senses. He could feel Sirius next to him and blinked his eyes open to see Sirius floating by his side, too.

Remus stretched out a bit to find Sirius’ fingers. When their skin touched, Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand, pulling him to him. Remus laughed before kicking forward and getting to his feet to stand beside a still floating Sirius.

“You’re going to be so tan by the time we leave.” He sighed, weaving his fingers through Sirius’ wet hair. Sirius just squinted up at him, smiling wide. He grabbed onto Remus’ shoulders before getting to his feet, too.

“And you’re going to be sun burnt.”

Remus scowled. “I put sunscreen on, I’ll be fine.”

Sirius hummed, leaning down to brush their lips together. Sirius tasted like salt from the water. Remus pressed up harder, faintly wondering if he could say it, yet.

He loved Sirius. He knew that and he was sure Sirius did, too.

They’d never said it after they started dating. Remus wasn’t sure why because he knew they loved each other. They’d known each other for all of Remus’ life for God’s sake! Of course, they loved each other.

And since it was always Sirius making the first move, Remus decided that this could come from him first.

“Sirius?”

“Hm?” Sirius kissed harder, arms snaking around Remus’ waist.

“I love you.”

Sirius pulled back, a laughed startling out of him. His eyes looked blue and very bright. Shining brighter than the sun above them. He hugged Remus to his chest, then, Remus grinning into Sirius’ skin. He loved catching Sirius off guard.

“I love you, too. Of course I do.”

Remus smiled.

He was going to get an entire lifetime of this. Somehow, that still didn’t seem enough.

#muggle AU #Remus Lupin #remus x sirius #Sirius orion black #James Potter #wolfstar #sirius x lupin #James Potter x Lily Evans #james & peter & remus & sirius

[siriuslyblack2]

Remus swung his legs, fingers curled tight around the chain, the other hand holding his ice cream to his mouth.

“I don’t understand why we couldn’t do this during daylight.”

Sirius’ glanced at him from where he was sitting on the swing right next to him, holding his own ice cream to his mouth.

“Because its adventurous. Exciting. Don’t you feel the thrill of it all?”

“No. I don’t see why sneaking out of my house at 1 AM in the morning to get ice cream and swing in the park was necessary.”

“Ugh. It’s just fun to break the rules sometimes.”

“All we’ve achieved is losing sleep. And wasting money.”

“Wasting? How is this wasting? This ice cream was worth every penny.”

Remus just sighed, shaking his head, taking one long, grand lick. “Spoilt brat. It’s not even that good.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Are you all moody because you’re sleepy?”

Remus tutted, head held high, nose in the air, eyes glued firmly on the ice cream that was apparently not up to his standards, “I don’t get moody. I am a pleasant presence at all times.”

Sirius snickered, taking his last bite before wiping his hands on his jeans because he knew how much Remus hated that. “Remus, you’re the moodiest person I know. Not including my mum, of course. Actually, I don’t think she gets moody, I think that’s just her personality.”

Remus laughed, choosing to ignore Sirius’ sticky hands and now jeans, because as much as he hated other people doing it, he found Sirius way too endearing to hate anything about him. Another fact he was choosing to ignore. “And yet you always find a way to piss her off even more. Are you going through a rebelling phase? Is spending the night with an apparently moody bloke, eating ice cream in the park, your way of saying fuck you, mother?”

Sirius laughed, leaning back on his legs and then letting go to start swinging in earnest, hair whipping in the wind. “Not this time,” He said, raising his voice a little to make sure Remus could hear him, “I had my own selfish reasons this time.”

Remus raised a thin eyebrow, watching Sirius swing, heart beating a little faster as he thought about what those selfish reasons could be. ”Which are?”

Sirius grinned at him, before looking straight ahead, feeling all sorts of things as he sat there, swinging high with his favorite boy by his side. 

“Which are... none of your business! Now chop, chop! Eat your ice cream faster like a good boy, so I can take you home before your parents notice their dear little son is not in the house.”

“Little?” Remus scoffed, as he took another slow lick. “Anyway, I don’t want to go home yet! I didn’t even get to swing.”

Sirius smiled, ignoring the heat pooling in his stomach. Gosh, could he be any more adorable?

“Then eat your ice cream faster.”

Remus eyed his ice cream, “I’m full, I can’t eat anymore.”

Sirius scoffed, slowly coming to a stop. “What do you mean full? I don’t think you’ve ever been full in your 17 years of living.”

Remus rolled his eyes, “Well, there’s a first to everything.”

“Okay.. then just throw it out.”

“I can’t waste food!”

“Oof, give it here.”

Remus gave Sirius a satisfied smile as he handed the ice cream over, “Thank you.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, not quite able to suppress his own smile. He bit into the ice cream, ignoring his over sensitive teeth as Remus whooped happily and began to swing. 

“See,” Sirius said, around his mouthful, “Aren’t you happy you came with me?”

Remus turned his head, giving Sirius one of his rare genuine smiles, curly hair hitting his face. “I am. Thanks for forcing me to come. Unless my parents have already discovered that I am, in fact, not in the house. In which case, fuck you.”

Sirius smiled back, tactfully ignoring the second addition to Remus’ sentence. ”You’re very welcome, Re Re.”

Remus laughed. He loved it when Sirius called him that, for reasons he wouldn’t ever understand. It made him feel like wishing he was Sirius’, and Sirius was his, was not completely insane. Made him feel like it was not a very dangerous line of thinking. 

Even now, looking at Sirius, licking his lips and wiping his hands on his jeans  again after he finished Remus’ ice cream, Remus couldn’t quell his want for the boy in front of him. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to. 

It consumed his thoughts more and more, till it was all he could do to focus on other things. Sirius’ name was always at the back of his mind, always echoing around, demanding attention. Remus was powerless in Sirius’ hands.

It didn’t stop him from imagining what he knew he couldn’t have. He imagined Sirius whispering words to him, words that Remus would treasure and keep safely tucked in the corner of his mind till his dying day. He imagined Sirius taking his hand in his sometimes. And when Remus was feeling particularly daring, he imagined Sirius’ hands around his waist, pulling him close as Remus tucked his fingers into Sirius’ hair and leaned up, pressing their mouths together. He imagined what Sirius would say when they pulled apart. He imagined what he would say when they pulled apart. Probably something funny, to make Sirius laugh. Remus loved making Sirius laugh. It gave him a rush of pleasure to see Sirius throwing his head back, wide smile and all, knowing it was he that elicited that reaction from him. Remus was yet to find anything as worthy as making Sirius Black laugh. He wanted to do it for the rest of his life. 

None of this would ever happen though. Remus didn’t know how to be someone that Sirius loved. Remus was trying to figure out how he was supposed to live with that knowledge. 

“Okay, five more minutes and then we’re going back, deal?”

Remus rolled his eyes, ”You make me sound like a five year old.”

“You didn’t finish your ice cream because you were full, you didn’t want to leave the park, and you wanted to swing. Tell me, how different are you from a five year old?”

Remus grumbled as he picked up speed, making the most of his last 5 minutes of freedom. 

It was quiet out, just the two of them messing around as they made their way out of the park, 5 minutes later. Remus felt giddy. This is how its supposed to be.

As they reached Remus’ doorstep, Sirius slowed to a stop, smiling at Remus and shoving his hands into his pockets. It was something straight out of a movie and Remus felt the insane urge to comment on how this felt like a date. But that was a little too daring. 

“See you tomorrow, then?”

Yeah,” Remus smiled, “Tomorrow.”

#muggle AU #Remus Lupin #remus x sirius #Sirius orion black #sirius x lupin #wolfstar

[siriuslyblack2]

James shuffled into his quidditch robes, careful to be quiet. 

Peter slept like the dead, so when the tail of his broom smacked him right in the face, James wasn’t too bothered. Peter just rolled over in his sleep, muttering softly, like James knew he would. Sharing a room with his friends for 7 years made you extremely familiar to each of their sleeping habits. 

James glanced at Remus’ bed as he passed by, unsurprised to find it empty. Another glance at Sirius’ bed confirmed his suspicions.  

James could see a sliver of his friends’ sleeping bodies from the partially closed curtains. Sirius was laying on his back, and Moony was curled into his side, head resting on Sirius’ chest, Sirius’ arm around Moony’s shoulders. 

James sighed quietly. Honestly, how long were they going to keep this from him? Sometimes James felt like he knew about their relationship before either of them did. He didn’t understand what they were so scared about, at least when it came to him. He knew Remus snuck into Sirius’ bed every night, after everyone had fallen asleep. He knew Remus tried to get up early in the morning to sneak back to his own bed before anyone woke up. Neither of them knew that James woke up even earlier, to get an early start on the quidditch field. The first time James had caught them, he’d carefully closed the curtains around his own bed, not wanting them to wake up and find James gone and worry that he had seen them. He kept at it every morning since then. All he wanted was for his friends to be happy. That didn’t mean it didn’t sting that they hadn’t told him yet. Didn’t they know he’d be their number one supporter? That he always had been?

He decided to put those thoughts to rest, however, as he shuffled forward quietly to Sirius’ bed, closing the curtains all the way. He might know, but that didn’t mean Peter did. 

They’ll tell me when they’re ready, James reasoned with himself as he crossed the room, pulling the door open and stepping outside before closing it behind him, softly. 

He trudged down the stairs, whistling quietly, fingers playing with the golden snitch that he’d nicked earlier. He quite liked the idea of being a seeker, but the one already on his team was doing just fine. He was a better chaser anyway. 

He walked out the portrait, grinning as a particular memory of the night before hit him. He could basically still feel Lily’s soft hand in his, tugging him out of the portrait hole and into an empty classroom. She had pushed him against the door and had kissed his laugh right out of him. He remembered saying something silly, just to get her to laugh. And she had. And James remembered thinking that he’d never be happier than he was right in that moment.

It always felt a little odd, knowing that Lily actually fancied him back now, after years of firmly not fancying him.  Not that James was complaining or anything, he just couldn’t believe his luck. 

Bloody hell, Lily Evans fancied him. 

James rubbed a hand over his face, feeling a little ridiculous that he was grinning to himself in the middle of the hallway all alone. But that couldn’t be helped. Even the thought of Lily never failed to bring a smile to his face. 

If that’s how Sirius and Remus felt about each other, James had no idea how they were managing to keep it all in. James could hardly go an hour without talking about Lily. 

It wasn’t even intentional, sometimes. Sometimes he’d just be talking about quidditch to Peter, and he’d remember something funny or cute Lily had told him and the next thing he knew, Peter would groan, “Not Lily again.”

He wasn’t offended or anything, of course. He had the distinct impression that Peter felt a bit left out nowadays. Even though Peter remained oblivious to Sirius’ and Remus’ relationship, he couldn’t deny the amount of time they spent together. They were practically joined at the hip. James made a mental note to hang out with Peter more. 

He let out a breath, thinking of the time he’d get to see Lily again. If he hurried he might catch her before she went down for breakfast. Maybe they would have time to sneak away for a bit before classes. His stomach lurched, pleasantly, and James fought to keep his smile from widening. 

It wasn’t just that, though. Lily understood him, more than even the marauders maybe. She was so fierce, so loyal, sometimes it was hard not to think James didn’t deserve her. She wouldn’t hear any of it, of course, and James’ heart always warmed to know that she was always there for him. 

She brightened every room she entered. She just drew people in, without realizing it. Sometimes, James felt so proud to be with her that his chest felt tight.

She was always so driven, so sure of herself, like she always knew what she was going to do before she did it. She was just so good, all over, and James never woke up these days without thanking his lucky stars. 

He was toying with the idea of asking her to move in with him, after school. He was pretty sure she would say yes, but then there was the matter of her family. Of Petunia.

James had never had a sibling, so he couldn’t say for sure, but Lily and Petunia didn’t seem all that close. It was the one part of her life that Lily kept hidden from James. She wasn’t secretive about it or anything. If James asked, she’d answer. But something about her body language when her family was brought up made James not want to ask. She wasn’t happy with the way things were, James was sure. And if she needed to sort things out with her family before moving further with James, he’d wholly understand. 

James let out a breath as he reached the quidditch pitch, momentarily forgetting about all his problems. His whole body felt alive. He swung his leg over his broom.

Time to do what he did best.

~

He was panting as he finally landed. The sun was high up in the sky now, James had probably missed Lily. If he hurried he could probably have breakfast with her.

When he entered the dorm to drop off his broom and change, he found that everyone had already gone down. He glanced at his bed and saw that someone had ripped his curtains open, probably to wake him up before realizing he wasn’t there. He hoped it had been Peter. 

When he entered the great hall it was impossible to miss his friends. Lily and Remus were sitting next to each other and Sirius and Peter across from them. James took his place next to Sirius, grinning at Lily. Lily smiled back, warmly.

“Alright, Evans?”

“Mhm,” Lily hummed, leaning across the table for a kiss that James happily provided her with. 

“What were you doing up before all of us?” Peter asked, sleepily, toying with his food. 

James felt Sirius tense beside him and looked just in time to see him and Remus share a panicked look. James thought fast. 

He looked at Peter, grinning, “Quidditch pitch. I wasn’t up that early, you guys were just late. Moony was still snoring away in his bed.”

Hopefully they’d think James only left after Remus had gone back to his own bed. James had left his curtains closed for a reason after all. 

It seemed to work. He saw the flush of relief in both his friends’ faces and felt a pang of sympathy for them. No one should be made to hide their love. 

Remus dug into his food, smiling a secret smile at Sirius before looking at James, narrowing his eyes, “I don’t snore.”

“Sure about that, Moony?” Sirius asked teasingly, and James smiled when Remus flushed, grinning at his food. 

“Alright, boys, I have to go to the library. See you in Charms.” Lily said, pushing herself up. 

James hurried to stand, “I’ll walk you.”

Lily raised an eyebrow, though she was smiling, “You didn’t eat breakfast.”

James swiped the toast off of Sirius’ plate, much to his dismay, before stuffing it quickly into his mouth and hurrying to Lily’s side.

Lily laughed, reaching to take his hand in hers. James smiled, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek before walking out hand in hand. He’d never be happier, he was sure of it.

#James Potter #James Potter x Lily Evans #james & peter & remus & sirius #Lily Evans #lily evans x james potter #Remus Lupin #remus x sirius #Sirius orion black #sirius x lupin #jily #wolfstar

[siriuslyblack2]

Remus remembered liking the rain. 

He remembered the day after his first ever transformation vividly. Lyall had to go into work, and after healing all of Remus’ wounds, off he’d gone. 

Remus remembered hardly being able to stand. He hadn’t understood what was happening, then. He remembered he’d been crying, crying because the night before had been the worst night of his life. He had screamed and pounded his little fists on their door, yelling for his mum to come get him. He had been so alone, so scared, and no one was helping him, no one was even responding. Images of the bad man that had crawled through his bedroom window a month ago crashed over him and he vomited all over the front of his favorite blue pajamas. Not that it mattered. Those pajamas had been ripped to shreds by morning.

He remembered the day after he hadn’t been able to look Lyall or Hope in the eye. They had left him alone. They hadn’t saved him even after he screamed and yelled for them till his throat was raw and burning. They’d locked him in. Remus knew because when he’d suddenly felt a stabbing pain in his joints, he had stood up on his tippy toes and reached up in panic, turning the door knob as hard as he could, thinking he could run away from the pain. But no, it had been locked. And the pain just consumed him. He remembered dissolving in his own screams. 

The next day, after Lyall had gone to work, Hope had come into his room. Remus was resting in bed, looking down at his bandaged arm. He had flinched away from Hope when she’d reached to brush off a strand of his hair off his forehead. Hope’s face broke. She’d cried just as much as he had. Maybe more. Remus remembered not liking seeing his mother cry, and so he did what she always did to him when he was upset. He crawled towards her and kneeled on the bed, before wiping her tears with his little fingers and wrapping his arms around her. She had cried harder. 

That day Hope had got him bundled up in blankets and had carried him downstairs. It had been raining. Hope had opened the front door and she had sat down on the floor right there in the entryway, with Remus in her arms. He remembered dropping his head onto her shoulder, too tired to hold it up himself. He remembered the fresh scent of the rain. He remembered the drops of rain that made it into the house, hitting him lightly, cold and soothing against his skin. He remembered just basking in the rain, letting it wash away whatever horrible thing that had come over him the night before. 

They had watched the rain, just the two of them, for a long time. It was one of the only pleasant memories Remus had of his childhood.

Years later, back at hogwarts, it had been raining on Sirius’ 16th birthday. 

There had been a massive party back at the common room for Sirius, before the birthday boy himself snuck out, taking Remus’ hand gently and pulling him along.

They had gone up to the astronomy tower and they had watched the rain together, the two of them.

Remus remembered feeling his heart pound. Remembered wondering what would happen if he just pressed his lips against Sirius’. The rain was so loud, he could hardly hear Sirius over it. He had turned his head, opening his mouth to inform Sirius that he hadn’t heard whatever it is that he had said, when Sirius leaned over just in time, capturing Remus’ mouth in a warm kiss that left Remus shivering. 

It only took Remus a second to catch up, and then he was bringing his hands up to Sirius’ long, damp, black hair, running his fingers through it, heart leaping. He remembered Sirius’ hand sliding up his front, to rest right over his pounding heart. Sirius’ fingers had curled and fisted Remus’ shirt, pulling him closer. 

Remus especially remembered pulling apart, both of them grinning stupidly at each other. Remus had pressed impossibly close, just letting his lips brush against Sirius’ as he murmured the words Happy Birthday, Padfoot before diving in for another glorious kiss, the rain pouring grandly around them. 

The rain always came with good things, it seemed. 

It was raining when James and Lily got married. 

Far from being an inconvenience, it had been a sight to behold. James dripping wet, but grinning so widely Remus was sure his face was going to split right into two. Lily had clung to him, her red hair patted down to her face, still looking strikingly pretty and unexplainably happy. 

Sirius, of course, looked devastatingly handsome in his suit, drops of water collecting in his eyelashes till he blinked and they dripped down his cheeks. He had grinned crookedly at Remus, and Remus remembered wanting to just crawl on top of him, other guests be damned. His eyes had looked more blue than grey and Remus never wanted to look away. 

It was one of the happiest days he’d ever gotten to live through. 

It only got better when Remus finally, finally, got to take Sirius home and rip the annoyingly perfect suit off of him. Sirius had laughed, then smiled sweetly as he kissed Remus, and whispered a quick I love you before promptly ripping Remus’ suit off of him as well. 

When they finally lay exhausted on the bed, Remus remembered falling asleep to Sirius’ hushed, sleepy yet sweet, nonsensical whispers and the rain pounding steadily against their window, water drops sliding down it. 

Remus couldn’t remember why he was so fond of rain right now, though. 

He hadn’t really wanted to come, hadn’t even had a hand in arranging the service. People spoke about James and Lily and Peter as if they’d really known them. Remus felt like no one there knew them like he did, though that wasn’t strictly true. Everyone from the Order had come too. Everyone that was still alive, anyway. 

He was asked to speak at the service but he had simply clenched his jaw and shook his head stiffly. He didn’t really see the point. In the past, having to live almost his entire life as a werewolf, he’d been so afraid of what everyone else thought of him that he’d come to be frightened of what he thought of himself, too. He’d learned to close his mind, learned to sensor his thoughts because that had been the only way he’d be able to get through life. 

Sitting in one of the unassuming seats, at the back of the church, hearing fucking Dumbledore harp on and on about how much he cared about James, Lily and Peter, Remus couldn’t bring himself to give two shits about what everyone else thought of him. His mind was too loud and persistent, his thoughts drowning everyone out. It felt like no one existed in the church but him and James and Lily’s bodies. That thought was the last straw for him. 

He heard someone whisper Sirius’ name from behind him, conversing quietly with whoever was sitting beside them and Remus had had enough. He stood and walked out. Leaving the last of James Potter and Lily Evans behind. 

He didn’t go very far, sitting on the first bench he came across. It was raining heavily and he shivered, bowing his head, letting the raindrops fall onto his hair and drip onto his lap. 

He thought of his mum. She’d let him down, somewhere along the line when the rare phone calls stopped coming all together. He supposed having a werewolf son was just too much to handle. He couldn’t really blame her. 

He thought of James and Lily. Remus couldn’t even remember a time they acknowledged that Remus was actually well and truly different than other people. They were so lovely, Remus would go as far as saying they had been the purest people he’d ever known. He dreaded to think of a world without James Potter’s laugh, without Lily Evans’ wit. His stomach lurched. 

He stopped thinking then, knowing where it would ultimately lead to. He just bowed his head and thought of nothing. He let the rain fall around him, shielding him from the rest of the world. He felt 5 years old again, wanting to rain to wash away all his problems. He dropped his head into his hands and felt the helplessness seep into his bones. 

He closed his eyes. He saw the bad man climbing through his bedroom window.

He saw the basement door, feeling the pain rip his 5 year old body apart for the first time. 

He saw his mother’s stricken face gazing back at him. 

He saw Sirius’ face light up as he felt the press of lips against his.

He saw James and Lily, exchanging vows and grinning at each other stupidly.

He saw Sirius’ bowed head, tucked into his neck as he heard his name being whispered over and over.

 He opened his eyes, blinking blearily at the ground. He wished he could just drown in the rain, be a part of the soil. Insignificant. Small.

Instead he stood, swallowing hard, and taking a last look at the church that currently held James and Lily's bodies. He walked away, letting the sounds of the rain fill his numb brain. He thought of nothing and everything at once. This was his life now.

#remus lupin #remus x sirius #sirius orion black #sirius x lupin #wolfstar #james & peter & remus & sirius #james potter #lily evans

[siriuslyblack2]

“She’s so into me.”

Remus groaned in exasperation, falling back into bed. “No, James, she is not. She probably never will be. I’m sorry, mate, but you need to let it go.”

James just dreamily stared at the bathroom door that Sirius hadn’t bothered to close. Sirius was just on the other side of the shower curtain. Remus could hear the water running.

Remus clearly had enough problems without having to hear about James’ and Lily’s nonexistent relationship. 

“You didn’t see the way she smiled at me at dinner.”

Remus rolled his eyes, “I think she was smiling at me. You just happened to get in the way.”

Remus heard the water shut off and sat up straight quick. He loved this part. More than he should, really. Sirius would walk out of the shower in a moment, towel loosely tied around his waist, long black hair damp and curling. His skin would be still semi wet and Sirius would pull his night shirt on, uncaring of the dampness and giving Remus a good view of his back muscles flexing. 

Remus didn’t allow himself to dwell on his infuriatingly huge crush on Sirius very often. It was a problem that didn’t really have a solution. Unless of course Sirius suddenly decided to fancy Remus back. And after 17 years of being Remus John Lupin, he’d already discovered luck was never on his side. He’d already accepted it. Unlike James, Remus was not willing to put himself through hell, hoping Sirius would want him too. The world just didn’t work that way. Wanting something didn’t mean you were going to get it. Remus would even go as far as saying the more you wanted, the less chance you had of getting it. 

Just as expected, Sirius came sauntering in a moment later, towel wrapped around his waist and feet leaving wet footprints on the hardwood floor. 

“What’re we talking about, gentlemen?”

“James’ failing love life.” Peter said, not expending enough energy to even look up from his book. 

“Failing? Well, I wouldn’t say that.” Sirius said, as he riffled through his drawer to find a shirt. Remus hoped it would take a little while longer. 

“Thank you, Pads.” James said, giving Sirius one dignified nod.

“Yeah, didn’t you guys see the way she smiled at him at dinner?”

Remus groaned, “Not you, too. She was smiling at me. You’re just getting James’ hopes up!”

Sirius held his hands up in surrender for a moment, before grinning and pulling a random shirt over his head. “I did no such thing. I was just reporting what I saw.”

“I saw her doing transfiguration homework in the common room. You think she needs help? I could help her.” James said, perking up. 

Remus sighed heavily, “You realize you’re talking about Lily Evans right? Top of the class Lily Evans?”

Sirius tutted, “Don’t discourage him, Moony. If that’s what James feels like doing, then that’s what he’ll do. Go on, James. Woo her with some transfiguration facts. Girls love that, I promise.”

Remus grimaced, “Please don’t, James.”

But James was already pulling a shirt on, too excited to even notice that it was inside out. Sirius practically glowed when he saw. 

“Pete, c’mon. Tell him its a bad idea.”

Peter finally looked up from his book, grinning. “Are you kidding, Moony? This is going to be fantastic. Hold on, James, I’ll come with you..”

Both of them ran down the stairs, James yelling at Peter to hurry lest they miss Lily.

Remus groaned, turning to Sirius. “Why do you keep doing that to him? You know he’s going to embarrass himself in front of the entire common room now.”

Sirius grinned, pulling on a pair of boxers before flopping down on his bed. “Isn’t it sweet, really? The lengths he’ll go to prove that he’s the perfect guy for Lily?”

Remus winced, crawling to the head of his bed and getting under the covers. It was getting harder and harder to ignore the damp spots of Sirius’ shirt clinging to his skin. It was starting to get on his nerves now. Why did he have to be so bloody perfect, the bastard.

“It may be sweet, but he’s just going to get hurt in the end.”

“Have some faith, Moony. She’s warming up to him already. Give it a year, tops.”

“You have too much faith.”

“There’s no such thing.”

Remus sighed, reaching down to his trunk to pull out his favorite book. If he was going to hear all about James’ failed attempts at flirting in an hour he might as well get some reading done. Plus reading always put him in a decent enough mood.

He just made it past the first paragraph when-

“What’re you reading?”

“A book.”

“Ooooh Remus thinks he’s being funny.”

“I am funny.”

“I’m not laughing.”

“You just haven’t learnt to appreciate quality humor then.”

Sirius huffed. “Well, I’m bored.”

“That’s too bad.”

“C’mon, Moony.”

“What do you want me to do? If you’re so bored, you can go down and watch James make a fool of himself. All of Gryffindor tower is probably down there anyway, waiting for Lily to hex him.”

“You’re such a downer, Moony.”

“Either put up with it or leave me alone.”

Sirius frowned, sitting up in bed. “You okay? You seem all... prickly.”

Remus snorted, “Yes, I’m fine. I just want to read my book and go to bed.”

“Well, okay then..”

He made it two lines in and then-

“Is it the moon? I bet its the moon.”

Remus sighed loudly, “Quit being a prick. Leave me alone.”

“No.”

Much to Remus’ horror, Sirius grinned at him, standing on his bed before jumping onto Remus’, Sirius’ knees hitting his side.

“What the fuck is the matter with you?” Remus groaned, pushing Sirius off, trying to ignore the fact that Sirius Black was in his bed in his boxers. Fuck. He was really warm.

Sirius made a face that resembled a pout, moving to sit across from Remus, crossing his legs. “Just trying to cheer you up. You sound like a miserable git.”

“You’re making it worse.”

“Aha! So you are sad. What’s up?”

Remus scowled, “I’m not sad.”

“Moony I can read you like a book. Something other than James’ hopeless love life is bothering you.”

Remus rolled his eyes, shutting his book because there was no way it was getting read now. He tossed it back into his trunk and scooted down the bed to lay his head on his pillow. He rolled onto his side, away from Sirius and closed his eyes.

Sirius scoffed from behind him. “You’re just going to ignore me now? C’mon, just tell me what’s bothering you. I can help.”

Remus growled in annoyance when Sirius started poking his back. His annoyance was not directed at Sirius, exactly. He was just annoyed that even that got his heart rate rising. 

“I’m just tired.”

“Bullshit.”

“I am-”

“Stop lying-”

“I’m not-”

“You always get all moody around the moon-”

“Leave me the fuck alone, Sirius!”

Remus had sat up in a flash, glaring at Sirius. Sirius blinked at him, surprised. He swallowed and then looked away, nodding. “Uh- yeah, okay. Sorry.”

He slowly pushed himself up and padded back to his own bed. Remus’ eyes followed him, feeling a horrible guilt feeling coiling in his stomach. 

He hadn’t meant to snap at him, but God. 

Remus was still breathing hard as he got back under the covers. He could hear Sirius shuffling in his bed, restless. Two minutes passed and Remus could feel Sirius’ brain working extra hard, figuring out what to say. Three minutes passed and Remus could feel Sirius working up the courage. Five minutes and Remus decided it what was time for him to say it. He took a breath. 

“Sirius, I-”

“LILY ASKED JAMES ON A DATE!”

Both Remus and Sirius shot upright as the door slammed open, Peter emerging from it, red faced and panting.

“She what?”

“SHE ASKED HIM OUT. Lily. Asked James out.”

Remus looked at Sirius, to see Sirius looking back at him, a slow wide smile forming on his face. Remus smiled too.

“Looks like miracles do happen-”

James stumbled into the dorm, past Peter. Remus watched as he sat heavily at the edge of his bed, dazed. 

Remus and Sirius exchanged another amused look before focusing on James.

“Alright there, Jamie?”

He looked up at them all, hazel eyes bright and shining behind his glasses.

“I told you she looked at me differently during dinner.”

Remus grinned. 

He looked at Sirius. 

Maybe if you wanted it enough, things would work out. 

#wolfstar #jily #Remus Lupin #Sirius orion black #remus x sirius #sirius x lupin #james & peter & remus & sirius #james potter #peter pettigrew #james potter x lily evans #lily evans

[siriuslyblack2]

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ANXIETY

Please, please do not read if you’re not comfortable. Please take care of yourselves <3

He could always just jump.

Remus doesn’t though. It’s like he’s waiting for a sign. Something to tell him to step back from the ledge. He’s been up here a total of 4 times now. He’s always gotten a sign. If the sign doesn’t come, he knows tonight’s the night. 

He looks down at his feet. His toes were already off the ledge. If he just tipped forward the slightest bit, it would be over. Forever. 

He purses his lips, hands deep in his pocket. If the wind blew a little too hard, giving him that last push, he wouldn’t stop it. 

He doesn’t remember the last time he used his voice. He thinks it may be last week, when he had gotten dressed for the first time in almost a month and had ventured outside cautiously, feeling quietly proud of himself for staying sober for that entire month. 

He’d only meant to get a bit of fresh air, maybe treat himself to some well deserved chocolate. The moon had been two nights before and he could still feel the soreness around his neck, thighs and shoulders.

He was walking down a road he knew well enough. Cars were scarce around here, for which he was grateful. He had his hands tucked in his pockets, head bowed, not wanting to catch anyone’s eye. No one was around anyway, but Remus didn’t want to risk it. 

He’d only raised his head at the sound of quiet barks. Two curly coated retriever puppies were rolling around on the side of the road, nipping at each other playfully, barking without a care in the world. Tails wagging vigorously, they were pouncing on each other and Remus felt a ghost of a smile graze his lips. 

At the sight of him, both dogs bounded over. Remus stopped, grinning, as they circled his legs, pawing at his jeans excitedly. One of them, the black one, barked at him, nose raising proudly. 

Remus felt his heart give a funny lurch. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d seen a different dog, a huge, black one, do that to him.

He swallowed hard, a flood of emotions that he honestly wasn’t used to, welling up in him.

He forced them away and bent down, scratching the dog that stayed still for him behind it’s ear. The dog tilted his head invitingly, an appreciative bark leaving it’s throat. 

Remus laughed as the other dog, a chocolate brown one, whined low in it’s throat, nuzzling it’s head to Remus’ knee. Remus raised a hand, petting it’s well groomed fur as well. 

“Hey there, little guy.” Remus murmured, feeling so full and complete for the first time since James and Lily died.

He sat down fully, right there on the side of the road, uncaring of the dirt and dust undoubtedly coating his jeans. Both the puppies clambered on to his lap and Remus laughed, loud and honest. He felt like himself again. He felt loved. He laughed again, the hopeless feeling that had settled in his chest for the last year dissipating just like that. 

“Hey! Hey, thank you for finding my dogs!” 

Remus raised his head, watching as a little girl ran towards him, eyes on the puppies. Remus felt his heart sink fractionally, and looked down at the puppies, noticing for the first time the collars that lined their throats. He swallowed hard.

The girl kneeled in front of him, scooping the puppies up right from his lap. Remus watched, heart in his throat. 

“Thank you!” The girl said again, grinning toothily at him. 

Remus forced a smile onto his face. It felt fake and painful. “Of course.” It was all he could get out. If he was being honest with himself he was about ready to take the puppies home. He was sick and tired of being alone all the time. He was tired of the numbness. He was tired of feeling either nothing, or everything. 

And they reminded him of Sirius. A feeling he usually couldn’t bear but this time it had been welcomed. 

The girl scrambled up, a dog in each hand as they barked delightedly at her. She was murmuring to them quietly as she walked away.

Tears pricked in his eyes. 

The hopeless feeling settled back in his chest, right where it belonged. 

When he got home, he downed half a bottle of whiskey, successfully ending his month of sobriety. That night was the first night he’d gone up to the rooftop. 

And here he was now for the fourth time, only two options in front of him. Walk away. Jump. 

He wouldn’t be missed, if he jumped. There was no one alive to miss him anyway, if you didn’t count Sirius. 

Sirius.

He shut his eyes tight, but opened them quickly when he felt dizzy and unbalanced. 

He didn’t want to think of any of it. He didn’t want to know if Sirius had been lying to him from the beginning. He didn’t want to think about the fact that the man he was supposed to spend his entire life with, was currently rotting in a cell in azkaban. 

He didn’t want to think about James and Lily. 

He couldn’t help it though. 

Black hair. Hazel eyes. Lopsided grin. Glasses. Friendly. Warm. James. Prongs.

Red hair. Green eyes. Soft smile. Freckles. Smart. Kind. Witty. Lily. Lils.

Remus pursed his lips. Fuck Sirius. Fuck it all. 

“Hey! Hey, get down from there!”

Remus looked down as a passerby spotted him. Even from up here Remus could see the concern in her eyes. 

That was his sign for tonight. Walk away. 

He stepped back from the ledge. He walked away. Another day of fighting, he supposed. 

The signs always came in the end. There was always a reason to live. Always.

#trigger warning suicidal thoughts #trigger warning anxiety #wolfstar #Remus Lupin #remus x sirius #james & peter & remus & sirius #james potter #lily evans #Sirius orion black #sirius x lupin

[siriuslyblack2]

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF ABUSE

“Right,” Sirius sighed. “Now we just have to figure out how to explain that you’re suddenly moving in here to my family.”

Remus bit his lip, the small ball of guilt that he supposed was always there in the pit of his stomach, growing into something he couldn’t really contain. It was mixing and merging with his other emotions till he couldn’t tell what feelings stemmed from where. 

The only feeling he was sure of, the only feeling that didn’t cause him insurmountable pain, was the feeling he got when he looked at Sirius who was perched on the ledge of the window with him, swinging his legs, fingers fiddling with his cigarette. 

Sirius’ family was once again out of town, which gave them more time to figure out what to do with the situation at hand. Remus couldn’t really explain the cold, panicky feeling he got every time Sirius brought it up. He’d hid these things from everyone as long as they’d been happening and now for Sirius to know, and to take action so.. so quickly, hurt. He wasn’t sure why. This was a problem he’d been dealing with since his mum died, it was the problem that caused him to stay awake at night, it was the problem that always hovered over him, and now Sirius was taking it away from him just like that. Remus didn’t know how to deal with the sudden loss of a problem that had latched on so furiously to him. He wasn’t ready to let it go and Sirius showed no mercy for his feelings. He was brutal about taking action, and Remus didn’t know how much more of it he could take. He wished Sirius would stop talking about it so.. so openly. It made him feel small. Made him feel out of control. Made him feel worthless. 

Perhaps Sirius just didn’t know.

“I could just stay at my own hous-”

“Shut up.” Sirius growled harshly, and there was that panicky feeling again. Remus swallowed. He wished Sirius would stop being so aggressive. “You’re not going back there ever again.”

Remus said nothing. He felt sick. 

“Okay, we’ll go back and get your stuff and- and I don’t know. Would you be okay with telling my family?”

Remus shook his head quickly, grateful that Sirius was letting him have a say. He knew that Sirius only meant well, he knew that the solution was simple for Sirius. You’re in a abusive household? Move out. Simple. 

But it wasn’t. Remus didn’t feel like moving out solved anything for him. His dad was still back there. And if Remus wasn’t around, God knows what he’d make of himself. He could- he could end up dead, without Remus. Remus couldn’t lose another parent. 

He didn’t know how he could explain all that to Sirius who only saw one side of the problem. 

“No. No one can know about this, okay?”

Sirius looked at him for a long moment, then, “But if we tell my p-”

“No one. Got it?”

Sirius let out a breath then nodded, “Okay fine. Got it.”

“Look, Sirius. I know you mean well but-”

“If that sentence ends with you going back to your house, don’t bother finishing it. It’s not going to happen. I won’t let it.”

Remus growled in frustration, dropping his cigarette and stomping on it. “I can’t live off of you guys for the rest of my life.”

“It’s just until school ends, and then-”

“And then what? What, Sirius? I don’t even know if my dad has been going to work. He could’ve been sacked for all I know. I know you’re practically rolling in money, but I’m not, okay?”

“What’s mine is yours-”

“No, it isn’t. What’s yours is yours. I refuse to use your family’s money to get into college or whatever.”

Sirius stood, and Remus could see the anger starting to build in those devastatingly beautiful grey eyes. “Okay, okay, let’s look at it your way for a second, shall we? You go back. You get hurt everyday. Your dad still isn’t working and you still don’t have enough money for college. What do you think you’ll achieve, going back?”

“Sirius, he needs me, okay? He needs me. I can’t leave him on his own.” Remus said, voice breaking as he stood too, to face Sirius. 

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, “Fuck, and I need you. Remus, I can’t let you go back there. Not when I know you won’t be safe.”

Remus sighed, feeling exhausted. He sat back on the ledge, “How can I just move in here, Sirius? That’s insane.”

“If we could just tell my pa-”

“I already fucking told you no.” 

Sirius sighed, “Okay. Okay, fuck, we don’t have to decide anything now. Let’s just- I’ll make the bed for you in the guest room. You’re always here so we can buy ourselves some time without raising any questions. Let’s not decide anything now.” 

Remus shook his head, “I can’t stay.”

Sirius’ desperation was apparent now, “Please Remus, please. What can I say to make you stay?”

That you want me

“Nothing, Sirius, okay? It’s not about you. I just- my dad.. he needs me. I can’t leave him when he needs me. I can’t- I need to know he’s safe.”

“Remus, fucking hell, you won’t be safe. Why can’t you understand that?”

Something about that sentence rubbed Remus the wrong way. He stood again, shoulders squaring, glaring at Sirius. “Why do you even care?”

Sirius spluttered, “Why do I care? Remus. You’re- you’re my..”

Remus’ mouth went dry. It was not what Sirius wasn’t saying, it was how he looked. His grey eyes were frantic, his hands were reaching out. Remus wanted nothing more than to hurry forward, nothing more than to tuck his head under Sirius’ chin and be held there. He wanted to curl into Sirius’ warmth. He wanted Sirius to want him. 

“What? I’m your what?” Remus asked, quietly, voice shot, like he’d been shouting. Which he hadn’t been really.

Suddenly, Remus saw something flicker in Sirius’ eyes that he really hadn’t before. He knew what that look was, he’d felt it in his own eyes when he looked at Sirius. But he couldn’t believe it. Didn’t want to believe it. Because if he was wrong, if that look meant something different, Remus didn’t think he could ever stand to look at Sirius again.

“Fuck,” Sirius breathed, rubbing his face, “Fuck, are you really going to make me say it?”

“Sirius..” Remus whispered, because it was the only thing he could muster. Years and years of suppressed want was bubbling up, almost too strong to control. He was hanging on by a thread. The thread that was Sirius. If that thread was cut, he could lose Sirius. It was the only thing holding him back. 

Sirius.. Sirius wanted him? He hardly dared to even think it. But that look was unmistakable. He’d seen it so many times. 

Please want me

Sirius shook his head. He was breathing hard; they both were. To an outsider it could seem obvious. To them, there were still far too many things that could go wrong. If only Remus was just- just brave enough to take that leap. But he wasn’t. Not when it came to Sirius. 

“Okay.” Sirius said, letting out a breath. He turned to Remus, closing his eyes for a second. 

This is it this is it this is it

Suddenly, Remus saw things with a clarity he hadn’t been able to before. The way Sirius smiled that one smile Remus loved, just for him, no one else got to see that smile. The way Sirius had looked when Remus’ mum died. The way he had gripped his hand. The way he had held Remus in his arms. 

That one night a few weeks ago, when they’d snuck out to go to the beach, the same beach they used to swim in, used to build sandcastles in, when they were younger. When Remus had gone underwater and came up for air, Sirius had that look. Longing? Loving? Remus couldn’t tell. 

When Sirius opened his eyes now, Remus almost had to take a step back. “Okay. Okay, since you’re an arrogant fucker, it looks like you’re going to make me say it.”

Remus laughed wetly, despite himself. He felt stunned. He knew now. He knew...but there would be no believing it till he heard it from Sirius himself. 

“Okay, listen, Remus.” Sirius took a shaky breath, “Please don’t run, okay? I have no fucking idea how you’re going to react to this but please, fuck please don’t stop looking at me the same way.”

“Sirius..”

“I just- I- Fuck, words really aren’t my thing. What I’m trying to say is,” Sirius sighed heavily, raising his head to look at Remus. “I care. I care about you so much because. Because..”

Remus blinked.

“Because I really fucking want you.”

Remus stared at Sirius, unblinkingly. Sirius stared back, warily. 

Sirius let out a breath finally, looking down. “Fuck, I’m sorry-”

Remus leaned forward, scared that Sirius would take it back.

Before either of them knew it, Remus’ hand was on the back of Sirius’ neck, pulling him towards him. Sirius made a surprised noise and Remus closed his eyes, craning his head up to crush their mouths together. 

It was magical- but then Remus came to the horrible realization that Sirius wasn’t kissing back. 

He pulled back, mouth still parted and breathing hard, hand still curled around Sirius’ neck. Sirius’ lips were a perfect red, and his cheeks were tinted with colour. He looked down at Remus, chest rising and falling against Remus’. 

“Is that- does that mean..?”

Remus let out a choked laugh, standing on his tippy toes and bringing their mouths impossibly close, till they could feel each other’s breaths. “Yes, you fucker. How could I not want you?”

He gasped in surprise when Sirius pressed their mouths together again, the intensity putting Remus’ to shame. Sirius groaned into his mouth and Remus shivered against him, shaky hands fisting Sirius’ jacket. Sirius’ hand snuck behind Remus and stopped at the small of his back, pressing, making Remus arch against Sirius. His mind was going haywire. All he could smell was Sirius. All he could feel was Sirius. 

Sirius broke the kiss for a moment, to trail his lips down Remus’ neck.

“Oh.” Remus breathed softly, tilting his head to give him access. It felt so good. He tangled his fingers in Sirius’ hair, feeling so safe. 

“Do you know how fucking long I’ve wanted to do this?” Sirius said, and Remus could feel his mouth moving against his skin.

All Remus could reply with was a soft moan and Sirius came back up, looking surprised and pleased. 

“I can’t fucking believe this is happening.” Remus said, heart so full. Too full. He wasn’t used to this and he was terrified of it going away.

Sirius laughed softly, wrapping his arms around Remus just like Remus had wanted not 15 minutes ago. 

It was too good to be true. Whatever controlled Remus’ life would never let something this good happen to him. But it was, apparently. The proof was in the form of Sirius, eyes steady and strong.

If Sirius was under some kind of spell that’d be lifted by morning, Remus was sure as hell going to make the most of it, he decided. He turned his head, positioning his lips to brush against Sirius’ collarbone. He couldn’t believe he was getting to do this. At the sound of Sirius’ shaky inhale, Remus put more pressure, kissing his soft skin carefully, testing the waters. When Sirius looked nothing but pleased and content, Remus kissed his way up his neck, along his jaw and paused before he met Sirius’ lips.

He forced his eyes to meet Sirius’, laughing quietly at the dazed look there. 

Sirius’ lips pulled into a smile and he pulled Remus in again, resting his mouth and nose in his hair. 

“You’re so fucking thick. How did you never realize how much I wanted you?”

Remus could do nothing but shut his eyes, hearing Sirius’ heartbeat under his ear. He was indescribably happy. But also terrified. It couldn’t be right; the fact that Sirius could ruin Remus for good if he just stopped.. wanting him one day. Remus forced that thought away. 

“I can practically feel you overthinking.”

Remus smiled. “I’m not. ‘m just really happy.”

“I am, too.”

Remus sighed contentedly, closing his eyes and tucking his face into Sirius’ neck. He smelled so good.

He thought of his mum. He instinctively knew she would’ve been over the moon for them. He smiled, eyes flickering up to stare at the ceiling. He squeezed Sirius a little tighter. It felt like a promise. To himself or to his mum, he didn’t know. 

Sirius let Remus bask in his love for a good minute before pulling back, laughing a little. “I can’t believe I’m allowed to do this now.” He said before pulling Remus in for a toe curling kiss. Remus smiled against his lips. Sirius pulled away after a moment, looking down at Remus. Remus ached, so scared that Sirius would stop wanting him. So scared he’d wake up the next morning without this.

“You’ll stay?”

Remus smiled, eyes on Sirius’ lips, “I will.”

Even in the morning Sirius said he wanted him. 

#tw mentions of abuse #tw #wolfstar #Remus Lupin #remus x sirius #Sirius orion black #muggle AU #james & peter & remus & sirius #sirius x lupin

[siriuslyblack2]

anyone please ask your crush out like this

[siriuslyblack2]

Fuck fuck fuck fuck 

Remus cracked his bedroom door open, his wide eyes frantically taking in the sight before him. He could only see a sliver of the living room, but what he did see scared the living daylights out of him. 

Fuck

He swallowed thickly, trying to keep his panic at bay. His breaths were coming in small, short, little gasps and he bit his lip hard, trying to breathe quietly through his nose. He angled his head to the side, trying to get a wider view of the room without having to open the door any further. 

Men he hadn’t ever seen before were scattered around his living room, sprawled on the couch, talking and shouting at each other drunkenly. Lyall was in the middle of it all, laughing carelessly as he threw his head back, his movements sluggish and slow. Remus barely recognized him. He had a beard growing in. Remus hadn’t ever seen him with a beard before. His eyes were unfocused, a bottle clutched in his hand as he grinned lavishly, giving Remus a good view of his yellowing teeth. Remus clutched the door tighter.

Lyall threw his arm around another unfamiliar man’s shoulder, almost smacking him in the face with the empty beer bottle. The entire room stank of beer. Remus scrunched his nose, trying to make sure he was out of everyone’s line of sight. There were so many of them, Remus couldn’t keep track of the eyes lazily wandering around their house, taking in the sight.

“Nice place you got here, lad,” One of the men said, raising his bottle to Lyall. Remus’ father looked entirely too pissed to respond with a coherent sentence. Remus ducked his head, feeling the heat rush to his neck and face as he struggled to keep calm. 

This was Remus’ home. A place where he slept, washed, lived. A place he was supposed to feel safe in. Safe was exactly the opposite of what he was feeling, just a door to keep about 7 drunken men away. Sirius’ house was more home to him than this place could ever be. 

Remus stared at his father, hating the way he almost toppled over when he stood, hating the way he had to hold on to the shelf where Hope had so lovingly placed all of Remus’ trophies. Remus winced as one of his trophies teetered over the edge dangerously, before crashing to the floor with a glorious bang. The sound seemed to snap all the men out of their half conscious state, some of them sitting upright, looking for the source of the sound.

Remus could only watch as the guy closest to him, drunkenly let his bloodshot eyes wander all over the place before finally landing on him. He gave Remus one slow, crooked smile, eyes dangerously dark. 

Remus inhaled sharply before shutting the door quick, forgetting to be quiet in his panic. He turned the lock with slightly trembling fingers before backing away. A very specific name was the only coherent thought Remus’ panicked mind managed to muster. 

Remus didn’t have a mobile phone, his dad had smashed it, but he did have the landline in his room. He dialed the number he had memorized years ago with shaky hands, and held his breath as he waited for the only boy he could stand to see at the moment, to pick up. 

“Remus?”

Remus cleared his throat, whispering hurriedly, “Sirius? Can you come pick me up?”

“What? Pick you up?” Sirius asked far too loudly. Remus winced, looking back at his closed bedroom door. “Why? Is everything alright? I’m out with Mary and the guys right now, remember?”

Remus’ heart sank. Sirius had mentioned earlier that he was going out, he’d even invited Remus to come along, but Remus had just declined, pulling a face. He suddenly would give anything to be with Sirius right now. 

“Oh. Right. Sorry, I- I forgot.” Remus stumbled through the words as he whispered them, glancing behind him every so often. It was getting louder out there. Remus’ stomach felt wet with nerves.

“Re? What’s going on-” Remus hung up.

Fuck

He could just stay in his room and wait till they leave, but he really couldn’t stand to be here for a moment longer. And Lord knows when they’d be sober enough to walk out the door. 

He could walk to Sirius’ place. It would take a good half hour, but it sounded a hell lot better than hanging around here. Remus quickly grabbed his bag, stuffing his night clothes and a few books into it. He felt beyond hopeless. He’d just left the Black household that day, deciding enough was enough and it was time to face his problems. And here he was again, not even a few hours later, heading back. Fuck. Why was he like this? Why was he a burden to everyone around him? His father didn’t want him and he was forcing his company on the Blacks. Could he be anymore pathetic?

He wished he were brave enough to stay. 

“Remus!”

Remus whipped his head around, heart pounding as he stared at the closed door. His father’s voice was almost unrecognizable, drunk. 

He stood still as he heard footsteps walking up to his door. He held his breath, unable to move, gripping his bag tighter. 

“Why’d you lock the bloody door, boy?” Laughter. The men were laughing.

Only the pounding on his door snapped Remus out of it, and he wiped his cheeks as he crossed the room, sniffling and breathing as quietly as possible. He pulled his window open, his face twisting in anguish as he heard the pounding intensify. He just wanted his father back. The one who had taught Sirius and him how to ride a bike. The one who had held Remus close when he’d woken up screaming after a nightmare. He just wanted his father back. 

He swung one leg over the ledge, then the other, before taking a breath and jumping. He landed quietly on the grass, the cold wind feeling like a whip on his face. He crossed their lawn, stopping short when he saw a familiar car coming to a gentle stop in front of his house.

The amount of relief that filled his body was almost alarming.

Sirius raised an eyebrow as Remus ran to his car, throwing the door open and jumping in.

“Hey, what’s-?”

Remus’ heart sank as the light flickered on in his bedroom. His father had gotten in. “Fuck, Sirius, drive fast.”

Sirius’ eyes flickered to Remus’ house. It was hard to read his expression from just the light from the dashboard. Sirius looked like he was on the verge of saying something, something Remus desperately didn't want to hear. From Sirius especially. It would make everything real. It would make this something Remus couldn't ignore. Something Remus shouldn't ignore.

“Can you please just drive?” Remus begged, his desperation becoming apparent now. The many drunken voices coming from his living room filled the car. 

Sirius’ eyes darkened almost at once. 

He opened his mouth, turning to Remus. Remus looked back, eyes pleading. Not now. Please, just- not now.

The words seemed to die in Sirius’ throat. His eyes flickered all over Remus’  face before looking back at his house for a moment. He turned back to the road, jaw clenching. Remus let out an unintentional sigh of relief. He looked back at his house as they drove away. He could just make out his dad stumbling towards the window, managing to catch a glimpse of Remus leaving. Remus swallowed, sinking in his seat. He was going to pay for leaving.

The silence in the car was almost too tense, Remus feeling like his cover was blown. He felt too hot and too cold at the same time. 

“Sirius..” Remus whispered. It felt like the only thing he could say now. The only thing that didn’t feel wrong on his lips. “Sirius.”

Sirius hit the steering wheel. Hard.

“Fuck, Remus. Fuck. Are you hurt?”

Remus shook his head hurriedly. He was breathing hard; they both were. 

“What- what was going on in there? Did he- did they come into your room?”

Remus shook his head again. 

“Jesus fuck- why didn’t you tell me? Is this the first time this happened? How many of them were in there?”

“I-,” It was hard to talk. There was a lump in his throat and it was hard to breathe around it. “I’m going to be sick.”

Sirius quickly glanced at Remus, before pulling over. The roads were empty and Remus didn’t look as he threw the door open. He hurried over to the side of the road, leaning over dying bushes as his gut contracted painfully. He threw up till there were tears streaming down his face. When he was finished, he was breathing hard, still leaning over the bushes and suddenly aware of the hand rubbing his back. 

“Are you done?” Sirius asked quietly, his hand stilling. 

Remus nodded pathetically, bringing his sleeve to his face and wiping his mouth. He sniffled loudly and wiped his cheeks, his vision blurry through the wetness still gathering in his eyes. 

“C’mon,” Sirius said gently, taking his hand and ushering him to the passenger side. Sirius stopped to open the back door, before walking back over to Remus’ side with a bottle of water this time. Remus took it from him gratefully, taking one big gulp. He let out a long breath as he handed the bottle back. 

“Sorry.” He whispered, hoarsely.

Sirius brushed off his apology and leaned down, to level with Remus’ face. “Remus.. Re.. please don’t lie to me. Are you hurt?”

Remus looked up at him, swallowing. He shook his head.

“Okay.” Sirius said, blowing out a sigh, visibly relieved. “Has he hurt you before?”

Remus remained quiet. Sirius paled.

“He’s- he’s hurt you before.” 

The words hung in the air. It was horrible. The very thing Remus had kept a secret for months, for it to be said out loud like that, by Sirius of all people, it was horrible.

It was all still for a moment, before Sirius quietly walked back to the driver’s seat. Remus sighed, turning to face the front and pulling the door shut.

“You’re never going back there again.” Was the only thing Sirius said for the rest of the ride.

#wolfstar #remus x sirius #Sirius orion black #Remus Lupin #sirius x lupin #muggle AU