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sis-it-dont-add-up · 8 months

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I literally stayed up till 4am reading this whole thing last night and sobbed for like 2 hours straight. 10/10 would do it again (and I will)

But also like can I have another million chapters right now👀

A/N: Look what's back! Think I'll just say PROGRESS and leave it at that.

~ Made of Ashes Masterlist ~

~~~~~

The fourth trimester was a valid title given to the months that followed birthing a child. Nine months of pregnancy was just the beginning, once the baby was on the outside it was like entering a whole new world. Through the steep learning curve and every life altering change, Aelin had made it. Elsie was officially three months and ten days old and as happy as could be. She had smiles for everyone, especially her mother, and the most darling laugh that was infectious. Sleeping through the night was rare and the sheer amount of nappies was ridiculous, but that was all part of the job. As far as Aelin could tell, her daughter was perfect and she knew she was incredibly biassed. She was allowed to be, it came with being a mother. Life with a newborn hadn’t been easy but there wasn’t anything in the world Aelin would trade her daughter for.

Right now they were sitting by the couch, Elsie in her bouncer and Aelin sitting cross legged in front of her. Elsie cooed at her mother, her eyes wide as she watched whatever was going on to keep her entertained. Which was currently reading a book, the tenth changeup in however many minutes. Aelin held the book in front of her, giving her best animation to the words despite how tired she was, but it did no good. Elsie was too distracted to pay attention to the book, preferring to watch her mother instead.

“You aren’t even listening, are you? How am I supposed to instil you with a love of reading when you’re just obsessed with me?” Aelin put the book down and tickled Elsie's sides.

She giggled, the sound so sweet Aelin’s cheeks hurt from how hard it made her smile. Eyes that were most definitely leaning towards green watched her every move. When the murky blue of Elsie's newborn eyes had started to lighten and shift towards emeralds rather than sapphires, Aelin had been in denial for a long time. She was adamant that there was still time, the colour could still change—and technically it still could. But it looked like no matter what they would be a shade of green in one way or the other. It wasn’t such a bad thing, it would never be held as a flaw.

“Now you wait here, I have to check on the mousse,” Aelin said, tapping her daughter’s nose. “It is from a packet but with you keeping me up half the night our friends can’t really ask for more.”

She went to the fridge where the mousse was setting in individual glasses. The Lochan’s were on their way over for dinner and she was providing dessert. They were bringing the main course as per Elide’s insistence. Taking out one of the glasses Aelin poked a skewer right into the middle. Pleased with the progress she licked the end clean as her phone started buzzing in her pocket. She pulled it out, the caller ID telling her it was Lorcan who was trying to reach her.

Aelin answered, putting the phone to ear. “Let me guess, you’re running late,”

“Not exactly,” Lorcan said. “Korby is sick and Elide thought it best to keep him at home.”

“Oh, no,” Aelin cringed. Elsie was yet to get sick, but she’d seen enough of Rue and Korby being unwell to know it was a feat. “But that’s fine. I’ll see you guys another time.”

“Here’s the other thing, Elide also thought it best to bring you dinner so you can eat because we cancelled last minute,” Lorcan explained.

Aelin stopped her pottering in readiness to give her all to this fight over the phone. “You don’t have to.”

Lorcan let out a short laugh. “I did, and before you say anything else I’m halfway to your place, so...”

“Elide,” Aelin said, withholding her own laugh.

“Elide.” If she could see Lorcan she was sure he would be nodding. “I’ll see you in about ten.”

“Yep, bye,” Aelin said and hung up.

Elsie started announcing her displeasure at being left alone, so with hands on her hips Aelin walked back to the living room. “Did you know your Aunty Elide might be more stubborn than I am, and that’s saying something.”

The baby just grinned, legs kicking. Aelin dropped back on the floor putting on some music and holding onto Elsie’s hands to make her dance. They kept that up until there was a knock on the door. Elsie wasn’t happy about it but she let her mother go after holding on as long as she physically could. Knowing her time was limited, Aelin practically jogged over and opened the door of her apartment, revealing Lorcan waiting with a wrapped up casserole dish under his arm. She didn’t say anything, just swept her arm out in a gesture that told him he was welcome to step in whenever he was ready.

“Pork chops and vegetables,” Lorcan said, heading for the kitchen. “About fifteen minutes in the oven should do it.”

“You didn’t have to bring anything over, we would have survived,” Aelin said, following after she flicked the door shut. “I do know how to use a phone or even cook for that matter.”

“I know, but Elide felt so bad that she wanted to make sure you had dinner for tonight. And there should be enough leftovers for the late night hungers,” Lorcan said.

He was referring to the phenomenon of being perpetually hungry while breastfeeding. Aelin’s pantry was currently a treasure trove of snacks that she could grab and eat when she needed to. Which was often. In fact, she might be hungry now. Lorcan left the dish on the bench and Aelin went to the pantry and chose a honey covered nut bar.

“How’s Korby?” she asked.

“He’s a mean little bastard when he’s sick, and I mean that with all the love in my heart,” Lorcan said. “And he’s such a Mama’s boy that he wants nothing to do with me.”

“Feeling a bit lonely?” Aelin teased.

There was an impatient squeal from the living area where Elsie was reclined in her bouncer, her kicks setting it in motion. Her eyes were on the man who hadn’t even bothered to say hello, and from the cross look on her face she was very offended by it.

“Oh I’m sorry, Elsie-girl,” Lorcan said, using the nickname that had slowly but surely settled on her. “Did I not pay you any attention?”

As Lorcan got closer Elsie’s expression changed, her fists knocking against each other as she smiled up at him. It was still so odd to see this side of Lorcan. He was so much softer with the kids, and that was to be expected with his own but the way it had extended to Elsie had taken Aelin by surprise. Lorcan scooped up Elsie, holding her close to his chest. He was such a gentle giant.

“There, is that better?” Lorcan asked her. Elsie just reached her tiny hands for his face.

“But he’s alright, isn’t he?” Aelin called from the kitchen.

Lorcan walked to the counter and pulled out a stool. “Yeah, he’s just expelling so much snot.”

“That’s kind of gross,” Aelin said, turning her back so she could return the kindness of dinner with the dessert in the fridge. There was a hiccup followed by a wet sound. She turned around in time to beige slime running down Lorcan’s hand.

“Your kid just vomited on me, I’d say that’s pretty gross too.”

Aelin snatched a tea towel that was hanging from the oven door and threw it to Lorcan. He caught it while keeping hold of Elsie with the vomit covered hand. Having children tended to desensitise a person to such things and Lorcan only looked very mildly repulsed as cleaned the both of them up. He left the dirty towel on the counter looking down as he pinched one of Elsie’s chubby cheeks. She chased his hand with her mouth, her hands desperately trying to coordinate to catch him. Lorcan gave in, letting Elsie hold his hand and chew on a knuckle.

“Take some of these,” Aelin said. “Or I will literally eat them all and she’ll be drinking chocolate milk.”

“Well, if that’s the case,” Lorcan added, heavy on the sarcasm.

Aelin decided that packing the mousse into a plastic container would be the easiest way to send it with Lorcan. She scooped three servings out and then licked the spoon. This would definitely be gone, and soon, it tasted too good. Maybe it would be her very early morning breakfast when she would be dragged from sleep by a hungry baby and the sugar would help wake her up.

“You take this and I’ll take my baby so you can return to your family who is desperately missing you right now,” Aelin said, sliding the box across the bench.

“Elide maybe, not Korby,” Lorcan said while he passed the baby over.

Once she had a good hold on her daughter Aelin picked up Elsie’s arm, making her wave. “Say bye to Uncle Lorcan.”

“Bye Elsie-girl.” Lorcan waved back.

He let himself out of the apartment, and the new silence made Aelin realise how disappointed she was that her dinner guest had to bail. Socialising as a new mother was hard. Sometimes she missed interacting with adults instead of being caught in her own little family bubble. Emrys had been more than generous with her maternity leave and she wasn’t due back to work until next month. Aelin had considered going back early just for more interaction with people. And Elsie would be coming with her anyway, so it wasn’t exactly a terrible idea.

Aelin sighed, hefting her daughter up a little higher so that she could kiss her cheek. “Well, it’s just you and me, babe.”

~~~~~

Weddings were a family obligation Rowan could do without. He never understood how the Whitethorns could make such a thing out of every occasion. Maybe it was just the sheer number of them, and the fact that they just kept multiplying. His plethora of cousins were more than happy to make miniature versions of themselves. Many of whom were causing a ruckus as Rowan tried to make himself as inconspicuous as possible.

It was another situation of Rowan causing more of a fuss and getting more attention if he didn’t turn up. So here he was, a chair dragged to the wall and waiting until the guests were given the okay to leave. He was more than happy for his cousin Enda who’s wedding this was. From what he could tell the man he’d chosen to spend the rest of his life with was the perfect choice for him. Rowan’s enthusiasm hadn’t been forced throughout the ceremony and toasts, but now it was time for dancing—something he was not enthusiastic about.

He could see his parents on the dance floor, happy as could be amongst the other couples. Dateless and alone, it might only be his mother who could convince him to go out there. Rowan was just checking the time and his emails when he was abruptly interrupted.

“Claudia, would you look at this,” Sellene, his most meddlesome of cousins, said with her daughter perched on her hip. “Remember this day because this might be the first and last time you even see cousin Rowan.”

“You’re hilarious,” Rowan replied, tucking his phone back into the inside chest pocket of his jacket.

Sellene took the seat in front of him that was still relatively associated with a table. “That sounds like you doubt my hilarity, which I find offensive.”

Rowan ignored that piece of bait and redirected. “I have met her before. Many times.”

“Yeah, but this is the time that counts because she’ll remember it,” Sellene said.

Rowan sighed and chose to humour his cousin. “Hello, Claudia. Pleased to meet you.”

He stuck out his hand for the girl to shake and to her credit she didn’t hesitate to take up the offer. “Hi. Mummy says you’re grumpy.”

Sellene laughed and nodded, and even Rowan cracked a smile at the declaration. Claudia must have been about three now, maybe four, if he was remembering correctly. She definitely was carrying on the Whithorn genes with her silver hair and green eyes.

“But you can be grumpy and nice, are you nice Rowan?” Claudia asked.

“Well, that depends on who you ask,” Rowan replied. He could have given the little girl a long list of people who thought he was a bastard.

Claudia tilted her head, like she was analysing him, or trying to read into his soul. Maybe she was, and maybe she found something there that wasn’t bleak and bitter because she said, “Yeah, you’re nice. Do you want to dance with me?”

“Ah,” Rowan didn’t know how to turn down a kid. What if she started crying?

Thankfully his cousin took pity on him. “Come on Claudia, I think your dad wanted the next dance.”

Sellene shifted Claudia off her lap and stood up, taking the girl’s hand. “It was good to see you, Rowan. Until the next family gathering.”

The two of them walked away, Claudia turning to wave at him three times before they were out of sight. Rowan had waved back, it would have been rude not to after all.

Children liked him, and it was a strange phenomenon because he hadn’t really given them much thought other than the fact that he didn’t want that for his life. When Lyria had gotten pregnant all those years ago he had been entirely unprepared. They had been too young and Rowan hadn’t wanted that life for himself. It had put a wedge between them from the very moment she had told him. She had been his first serious relationship, and if things had happened differently maybe they would have married one day. Lyria might be the one next to him and not an empty chair. But the unexpected announcement had caught him by surprise and forced him to confront things he wasn’t ready for. He had just started at Stone City Advertising and his goal had been to prove himself as quickly as possible. Caring for a child hadn’t factored into that.

To distract himself from the sense of impending doom he had thrown himself into work, a habit that still lingered today. When things got hard, he just worked harder. He and Lyria had the arduous conversations, and she tried to hold them together. But when she miscarried, Rowan’s relief had just about broken her heart and they fell apart from there.

Shaking off the shadows of the past, Rowan looked out on the dance floor and saw Sellene dancing with her family. Her husband had Claudia on one arm while he spun Sellene with the other. It was a picturesque sight, something right out of a movie with how they laughed and effortlessly seemed to move so in sync with each other. It was enough to draw that dormant loneliness to the surface.

If, if, Rowan had ever decided he wanted children there was only one woman that his imagination ever entertained. As he watched the happy family he had a fleeting moment of what if. What if he and Aelin were still together, would he have changed his mind about wanting kids of his own?

Rowan shook his head, stopping those thoughts before they could gain any more clarity. He had been haunted by the past enough for one evening. There was no point in them, any future he had with Aelin was gone. What was the use of thinking of it now?

~~~~~

A day off was meant to be at least the tiniest bit relaxing. Unless your car needed a service and your child had gone through a sudden growth spurt. That was how Aelin found herself at the mall, her car at the mechanics in the same complex and wandering around looking at clothes for a small human. It was a convenient system for her, especially when she had a little tag along. In classic toddler style, the pram was full of bags while Elsie walked. It made things slower but there was time to kill until Aelin got the call that her car was ready. Although they would have to stop for lunch soon.

Right now they were looking through racks of dresses, something in Elsie’s size for her upcoming birthday. They might not quite be the right term. Elsie was hiding in the middle of the racks, shoulders up obscured by clothes. Every once and a while Aelin split the row of dresses to keep her daughter stationary and within her immediate vicinity. If they made this into a game of peek-a-boo Aelin could keep her in *this rack instead of wandering off.

“My goodness, Elsie just keeps disappearing,” Aelin said, keeping the game alive. The answer was a giggle. “Ah-ha! There you are.”

Aelin slid across some tulle monstrosities to see her daughter who let out a very loud squeal at being discovered. Elsie covered her face like that would hide her and Aelin went back to browsing. She pulled out two options, not particularly sold on either but she’d ask anyway.

“Elsie, do you like these?”

Too lost in her own little world, Elsie didn’t bother to look over, choosing to babble away to herself instead. That sound had Aelin’s lips tilting into a crooked smile. The mind of a child — what her imagination must paint her surroundings into. There was nothing here that was worth the fight that came with forcing a toddler to wear something not by choice.

Aelin managed to easily lead Elsie out by the hand. “Come on, let's go somewhere else, none of these are speaking to you or me.”

Aelin decided to try one more store, but there was still no luck. On the way out Elsie caught sight of the toy section and she was gone before Aelin could even think the word no. They spent a while wandering the aisles, no now being said more times than could be counted. Elsie was looking at toys that made far too much noise when she sneezed, a long line of snot shooting out of her nose.

“Damnit,” Aelin muttered, practically diving into her bag for a tissue. She found one a few seconds later and wiped away the mucus. It was clear, which was a good sign, but the snot situation would have to be monitored in case that led to something more.

Elsie was not phased in the slightest, she just scrambled through the bottom basket of the pram demanding snacks. Not wanting everything thrown on the floor, Aelin picked out a packet of fruit flavoured puffs and opened them before handing them to her daughter. That was enough to indicate that it was time for lunch.

The walk to the restaurant enclosed courtyard was slow going, and Aelin had to apologise to the other people in the elevator when Elsie pushed all the buttons, but they eventually made it to the courtyard filled with restaurants. Aelin already knew which one they’d be going to because toddlers were notorious for only choosing to eat certain things. Elsie would want noodles from the Japanese place and Aelin would get something with rice. A ping from her phone distracted her, automatically pulling it out of her pocket to check the text. It was in that split second when she took her eyes off her daughter for the smallest moment that she lost track of her. Because when Aelin looked over to where Elsie had been standing next to the pram… now she was gone.

~~~~~

Rowan’s parents' time in Orynth was coming to an end and it was time for them to move on. That was why he found himself at an overcrowded shopping mall on a Sunday, a place he tried to avoid on the weekends if he could help it. But his mother had asked him to come along to help since they’d returned their rental car, something Rowan had no issues with. He would have offered to drive them if she hadn’t asked him first. She had promised him lunch though, even if he would make sure he would be the one paying.

They were currently in a luggage store while his father looked for a new backpack. Rowan was idling browsing the suitcases, not really looking for something for himself, the one he brought with him was absolutely fine. Maybe just in case it busted a wheel or something, he’d have an idea of what to get next. Even then he’d be more likely to fix it himself before he spent money on something new. Rowan was not a browser, never had been. He was boring himself with his own inner ramblings.

Moving on, Rowan ended up in front of the children’s suitcases. Most of them were little hardcases that barely reached past his knees, decked out in bright colours and all kinds of characters on them. He had very little knowledge of such things and could only assume which might be princesses from popular franchises. What he did find himself considering is which one Elspeth might choose if she was here. Did she have a favourite movie? A favourite character? Maybe she was into animals rather than princesses.

“So,” Iris said, appearing next to him. “Yesterday went well, didn’t it?”

Ah, yes. The now infamous park meet up.

“As well as it could,” Rowan replied. “It was nice to have less hostility stewing.”

They were both quiet for a moment and then his mother asked, “What will you do when we’re gone?”

Rowan had spent most of last night thinking about it. His parents, especially his mother, allowed him access to Elspeth that he couldn’t quite manage himself. It was still a challenge to break through the cool indifference Aelin had towards him. Without that advocacy into Elspeth’s life, Rowan wasn’t quite sure how he was going to manage his new resolution to prove himself.

“I don’t know,” he said honestly. “I guess I’ll just have to play it by ear, wait on Aelin’s whims.”

Iris made a disapproving sound. “You’ll have to stop that.”

Rowan shot his mother a look. “What?”

“The animosity, that won’t be good for Elsie,” Iris explained.

He managed to hold in his sigh, flashes of Elspeth’s stricken face when she’d been caught in the middle of all those arguments still haunting him. “To be fair, we’ve cut down on it quite a bit because we did notice that.”

“Well, look at that. You can work together,” Iris said, the slight sarcasm carrying a healthy dose of truth.

Rowan’s laugh was humourless, his mother still had a point.

“Right, time for lunch?” Evander announced, his new purchase in his hand.

“Sure,” Rowan said. “What do we feel like?”

“Not sure, why don’t we head to the food court and see what’s there,” his father said.

Although it had been a few years and there were some recent renovations, Rowan remembered his way to the courtyard that held the restaurants rather than the fast food options.

“Any updates on what we feel like?” Rowan asked, surveying what was on offer.

“Well, I—oh my,” Iris said, apparently stumbling forward on nothing. For a heartstopping moment Rowan was flooded with concern, until he saw his mother look down and smile. “Hello there.”

“Iris!”

Head snapping to the sound of that little voice, Rowan was more than surprised to find that his daughter had once again been conjured out of nowhere.

“Elsie, where did you come from?” Iris asked, putting a hand on her messy curls.

Elspeth spoke quickly and Rowan managed to catch something about ‘mama’ and ‘lunch’. He looked around, and Aelin was easy to spot, hurriedly pushing a pram filled with bags towards them.

“Hi, sorry,” she sounded a little breathless. “Gods, she’s quick. Nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“That’s what children were made for,” Evander said.

Aelin laughed, and Rowan could have sworn it was out of nervousness and the flush on her cheeks was from embarrassment. “I swear I don’t lose her like that often.”

Iris reached out and put a hand on Aelin’s forearm. “Don’t worry about it, I lost Rowan for a solid hour when he was little.”

“You did?” Rowan asked.

His mother nodded. “Not my finest moment.”

Elspeth let her grandmother go and transferred her grip to her mother’s legs. “Noodles, Mama?”

“Sure thing.” Aelin looked at the three Whitethorns, her eyes quickly darting over Rowan. “We were about to get lunch. Have you guys eaten?”

Rowan couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. Unless he was about to be corrected Aelin had invited them all to lunch. Including him. This was miles beyond a meet up in the park.

“We were just considering what to eat ourselves,” Iris said. “Is there anywhere you like to go in particular?”

“Yeah, Elsie loves the noodles from the Japanese place over there,” Aelin pointed behind them. “If you don’t mind.”

“Of course,” Evander said. “Whatever the Princess wants.”

Aelin laughed. “Words I live by. Come on Elsie, time for noodles.”

To everyone’s astonishment, especially his, Elspeth grabbed onto Rowan's hand and started leading the way.

“‘Tum on, Rowan,” her pronunciation of his name was still a little off. “Noodles this way.”

He just let it happen and tried not to think too hard about it, rather than whether or not it should be happening. Rowan didn’t know what restaurant they were going to so he walked slow enough that Elspeth kept in front of him directing him where to go. She was in another tutu today, this one with yellow with thin straps and a long t-shirt underneath. The tulle always seemed impractical to him, but he wasn’t a little girl. There had to be some underlying appeal that was beyond him. They stopped outside a tidy looking restaurant, the interior filled with dark furniture and sleek lines.

A waiter came forward and as the first one there it was up to him to sort out their seating. “Table for four, well five actually.”

“Right this way,” the waiter said.

Rowan spent most of lunch seated at the end of the table on the padded bench observing. Aelin and Elspeth were at the other end of the table and they kept the conversation going up there. He certainly felt like an outsider, watching as Elspeth just fell into place with her grandparents. They loved her so much already, he could see it in the way they looked at her, how they were so gentle and couldn’t help but hang on every word she said. Rowan was glad he’d been brave enough to initiate this for them. When Elspeth finished her lunch she got restless and Aelin freed her from the high chair.

His mother immediately got her attention, beckoning Elsie onto the bench seat next to her. The new seat was apparently the most amazing thing she had ever seen from the way proudly sat there by herself. Amazing, and fleeting, because the next moment she was dashing to the pram to retrieve a stuffed dog. She showed her grandparents and they fawned over it, much to Elspeth’s delight. It made Rowan smile.

“Do you mind? I can’t hear in here,” Aelin said, holding up her phone.

Iris nodded. “Go ahead, we’ve got her.”

Aelin was gone a few moments later, phone pressed to her ear. Elspeth didn’t notice at first, too busy patting down the ears of the toy dog that had her attention. She wandered down the length of the table, softly humming to herself and mumbling nonsense to her puppy. Then she looked up and Rowan saw the moment that she realised Aelin wasn’t there. Elspeth looked devastated.

“Mama?” she asked him.

“She’s just outside on the phone, sweetheart,” Rowan told her. “Come stand up here and you can see.”

He patted the bench seat next to him and Elspeth took his invitation. When she struggled Rowan helped her up, keeping hold of her hand as she stood. And then she lent on his shoulder too, her curls tickling his nose as she peered out the window trying to look for her mother. When she spotted her she gave an excited gasp and started waving. By some kind of motherly intuition Aelin turned, seeing Elspeth and waved back.

Content with her mother's closeness, Elspeth went back to playing. “Puppy, Rowan. See?”

“I do,” Rowan told her. “It’s very pretty.”

Elspeth nodded enthusiastically. “Yep, yep.”

Having her this close made something in Rowan’s chest ache. She hadn’t been quick to move after waving to her mother, and she still clung to him. It was hard not to get swept away with how adorable she was, it was hard for him to look away. When he did, he caught his mother looking at him, she was smiling but he didn’t miss the emotion in her eyes.

Elspeth sneezed, so sudden and forcefully that Rowan actually jumped. Snot dribbled out of her nose and without a second thought he picked up a napkin to wipe it away. Face clean, she decided it was time to sit down, and she started playing with her dog right next to him.

“How was everything?” the waiter asked, appearing again to clear away the plates.

“Fantastic, thank you,” Rowan said. “Can we get the bill?”

As expected there was some discussion over who would be paying, Rowan made sure he was the one to get the cheque and slip his card in with the receipt. All the while Elspeth continued playing beside him while Aelin was still outside on the phone. Then things unexpectedly went still and quiet. To his everlasting surprise he looked down to see that Elspeth had fallen asleep, her head resting on his thigh as her arms hugged her toy.

Holy Gods, Rowan didn’t know what to do except sit perfectly still.

And he did, right up until Aelin came back in, eyes darting around for her daughter.

“Ah, over here,” Rowan said, awkwardly pointing down next to him.

With brows furrowed in confusion, Aelin came over. The confusion changed to surprise, but she didn't comment on it. “I’ll get the pram.”

Rowan kept up with his frozen state, not wanting to move and disturb the sleeping child while Aelin got the pram ready. She pushed a button and a whole section fell backwards, making it so there was a flat surface for Elspeth to lie on. He had no idea that prams could do such things. Then Aelin came over and very carefully picked Elspeth up. Once safely in her arms, she whispered softly to the girl, kissing her cheeks before lowering her down into the pram.

“Sorry, apparently my car needs more work than I thought so it will be a few days,” Aelin explained, then shrugged. “What can you do? And I should probably get Sleeping Beauty home.”

“Well, we’re ready to go,” Iris said.

“The bill?” Aelin said.

Before Rowan could say anything, his father spoke up. “Don’t worry about it.”

Outside, Rowan gave his parents and Aelin some privacy to say goodbye. They wouldn’t see each other before they flew out tomorrow evening. He wasn’t too far away, close enough that he could still hear the hum of their conversation, but not what was being said. There was laughing and joking, but there were tears lining his mother’s eyes as she turned away. They made their way over to Rowan while Aelin checked her phone again. With a deep breath Rowan took a chance and walked towards her. She didn’t move, even when she saw him coming. He stopped a healthy distance away, second guessing himself.

“Aelin, I…” Rowan sighed, frustrated at himself over his inability to just say the words. “Thank you for that.”

For a moment Aelin just eyed him assessingly, then said, “It was nothing.”

“It wasn’t and we both know it,” Rowan said.

Aelin looked down at Elspeth, still blissfully asleep in her pram. “I did it for her.”

That was a loaded statement, it could refer to lunch or it could apply to everything Aelin had done for the sake of her daughter over the past three years. Rowan was too much of a coward to question it further but he did have other things he needed to say. With a drama free meal creating such a positive environment, he might as well do it now.

“I’m sorry,” he said simply, some of that anger that plagued him dissipating.

But for Aelin it seemed to have the opposite effect. She stood straighter, her gaze turning harder. “For what exactly?”

This wasn’t going how he thought, he hadn’t meant to piss her off. So Rowan went on, dousing the flames instead of incensing them.

“For my behaviour since I arrived. There was a right way to go about this and I didn’t choose it,” Rowan said. “It was unfair to Elspeth for me to disrupt her life like that because of my own feelings. She’s so young, she doesn’t understand.”

Aelin cleared her throat. “You had every right to be angry.”

That admission took Rowan by surprise, but this wasn’t the time or place to start unpacking that. This was only going to work if he took it one step at a time, and he had one more thing he wanted to apologise for before he used up all his luck. “I’m sorry about punching Fenrys in the face.”

“You sure about that?” Aelin was fighting a smile.

Rowan let out a humourless laugh. “Like I said, a right way and a wrong way. Whatever he did, Fenrys didn’t deserve that.”

“Alright,” Aelin said after a few pensive moments. “Thank you. I accept your apologies and I appreciate you offering them.”

Rowan nodded, slipping his hands into his pockets—the vulnerability of this situation making him feel uncomfortable. Right now he didn’t expect anything more from Aelin. He knew that if they delved any deeper into the situation between them they would risk things fleeing hard and fast from civility.

“This feels never ending,” there was resignation in Aelin's voice, like she truly believed they would be stuck in this limbo of emotions and tension forever.

“Did you need a ride? Because your car isn’t ready?” Rowan offered after a few more moments of heavy silence.

Aelin shook her head, holding up her phone. “Fenrys is coming to get us, and you don’t have a carseat anyway.”

“Right, of course.” Rowan hadn’t even considered that, it hadn’t even entered his mind in the slightest. They didn’t just let two year olds rattle around in cars these days. If he were to have some kind of future with Elspeth in his life these were things he would have to consider.

“See you around,” Aelin said, turning and pushing the pram away, not bothering to wait for him to return the goodbye. She had never seen the point to maintaining a conversation past pointlessness.

Iris and Evander were waiting for him and without a word his mother wrapped Rowan in a hug. Pulling back, she gave him a small smile, something a little sad about it. “I’m so proud of you, Rowan.”

Swallowing against the tightness building in his chest he just said, “Thanks, Mum.”

“You can only go up from here,” Iris said as they started back to the car.

Gods, he hoped she was right. Rowan felt like he was finally catching his breath, and he couldn’t be sure, but he felt like he was seeing his first glimmers of true hope.

~~~~~

Thank you so much for reading! I know it's been a while... sorry.

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