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Fans Can't Wait for the Next Edition of Chris Jericho's Caribbean NDA Cruise

The wrestling superstar is excited to get a bunch of people out into international waters, which doesn't seem like a good idea now that I think about it.

Chris Jericho is working on plans for his next cruise which combines all three of his passions; wrestling, rock music, and getting people to sign NDAs. And his fans love these cruises though they can only talk about 60% of what happens.

"I love the Jericho cruises! I mean, there are things I don't like but I legally can't tell you about that." -- Jerry, wrestling fan

"Are you with the police? I can't talk to you." Stacey, music fan

"No comment." -- Tim, NDA enthusiast

The next cruise will head to the Caribbean with a long detour through international waters. All smartphones and recording devices will be kept in a locked room for the duration of the trip. On the upside, Iron Maiden might show up, so there's that.

#satire #wrestling #aew #chris jericho

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Tony Khan Tricks Triple H By Announcing Him as All Elite

Uncle Tony has completely outflanked his competition by unexpectedly dropping the All Elite bomb, an act that is 100% legally binding.

The booking battle between AEW and WWE is heating up with both sides making plays for big name talent. But nothing holds the impact of an All Elite announcement from Tony Khan, and he's been keeping a heavy duty one locked and loaded.

Tony just announced that Triple H is All Elite, something even Triple H didn't see coming. These announcements are fully and completely legally binding, overwriting all existing contracts. This means that Triple H is officially All Elite, whether he wants to be or not.

This does beg the question of why Tony hasn't used this move before to get big names like Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, or Charlotte Flair. No one knows but Triple H is now in AEW and will be managing Danhausen for the foreseeable future. As usual with All Elite announcements, Tony doesn't really have a plan for Hunter.

#satire #wrestling #wwe #aew #tony khan #triple h

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Wrestlers Fighting for TV Time Excited to Hear Lacey Evans Never Had Any Passion for Wrestling

In a relatively recent interview, the former WWE Superstar spoke about her lack of passion for wrestling, something that made everyone who didn't get TV time during her tenure so happy.

Macey Estrella-Kadlec, better known to WWE fans as Lacey Evans, did an interview on Chris Van Vliet's podcast about her seven years in WWE in December 2023. She explained how she had no passion for wrestling and never really enjoyed her time in the company.

This came as incredibly welcome news to all of the wrestlers who absolutely love the business and got zero TV time during her subpar WWE run. Who wouldn't love sitting in catering while someone who doesn't give a crap is chewing the scenery on Raw?

Macey would go on to detail how much happier she is now and how she has no desire to ever return to wrestling. That's too bad considering she was such an almost tolerable wrestler. Fans are sad they won't get to watch her fumble another promo, botch her way through another dull match, or get another undeserved push.

#satire #wrestling #wwe #lacey evans

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Wrestling Journalist Heroically Calls Out WWE Personality for Being a "Rape Baby"

One of WWE's most popular interviewers and hosts whose birth was a product of a sexual assault has finally been taken down a peg by a wrestling journalist who was sick and tired of her bragging.

It goes without saying that sexual assault victims and the children produced by some of those incidents get nothing but special treatment. WWE's Kayla Braxton is one of those children. Her mother was assaulted by an anonymous man who ended up fathering her. And she won't stop talking about it. Boring!

Thankfully, Ringside News stepped in and put Kayla in her place via a series of posts on X. As we all know, X is the platform of choice for heroes like this who work tirelessly to make sure women and minorities do not feel valued in the least by society.

You can see Ringside's powerful, coherent, well thought out posts below. This person definitely isn't human garbage and a complete waste of oxygen. Don't let the almost criminal level of basic grammar issues fool you. This person knows what they're talking about.

There's no news yet on who Ringside News will be attacking calling out next between sessions of binge eating lead paint chips. One can only hope they'll be waiting outside of WrestleMania to beat up some of those uppity Children's Wish Foundation kids, cancer or not.

#satire #wrestling #wwe #kayla braxton

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Skye Blue's Talk is Jericho Interview is Almost an Hour of Dead Air Thanks to the Number of NDAs She Had to Sign

Y2J brought one of AEW's fastest rising stars onto his popular podcast for a no-holds-barred interview that no one will ever actually get to hear.

Chris Jericho is a man of many talents. Wrestler. Actor. Musician. Podcaster. Cruise Director. Possibly a sex offender. But it's impossible to deny his success, likely because it's in the terms of the NDA he and Tony Khan forced you to sign.

A recent episode of Talk is Jericho featured Skye Blue, a top prospect in the Women's Division in AEW. Her in ring skill combined with her magnetic personality has turned her into a fan favorite and inevitably a champion in the company.

Unfortunately, her Talk is Jericho episode is nothing but dead air. The sheer numbers of NDAs she had to sign to be in a room alone with Jericho meant that Blue and Jericho couldn't even talk to each other. Hopefully, the next interview with Julia Hart goes better.

#satire #wrestling #aew #chris jericho

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Ric Flair Hopes Other People Can See Abadon, Too

The legendary wrestler keeps seeing AEW's most unique talent in odd places and is really hoping he isn't just hallucinating them.

Abadon's recent reemergence on AEW TV has been welcome to their fans and will hopefully be a sustained return. Seeing them get TV time as well as title shots has been great. Well, for most people. There is one person who isn't sure how happy he is.

Ric Flair has been seeing Abadon around backstage a lot. Sometimes they're in catering. Other time he sees them in Gorilla. Then, there are the times Flair spots Abadon crawling around backstage, seemingly without anyone else noticing or acknowledging them.

The whole thing has Flair pretty freaked out since he's not 100% sure anyone else sees Abadon, too. Darby Allin keeps trying to reassure Ric. The only problem is that Flair figures that there's at least a 50% chance Allin is a hallucination, as well.

#satire #wrestling #aew #abadon #ric flair

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This Empty Box of Kraft Dinner is All Elite

Once again, Uncle Tony has blown minds with his innovative booking and an ever expanding roster of talent he will never have enough TV time to showcase if he lives to be 1,000.

Wrestling dirt sheets and the few fans who still care about who is "All Elite" were rocked one more time by Tony Khan's most recent announcement. AEW is pleased to let the world know that this empty box of Kraft Dinner is All Elite.

That's right! An empty cardboard box that used to hold enough dry pasta to supposedly feed a family of four is now wrestling for AEW. I mean, we all know that is not enough pasta for four people. Maybe three if you use it as a side dish. Four? No chance in hell.

The empty KD box is actually joining the Women's Division and will be immediately slotted into a feud with Julia Hart. After the box doesn't win the title, it will disappear to the bottom of the card and end up in a stupid romantic angle with some idiot.

#satire #wrestling #aew #tony khan

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NWA/TNA/Impact has Changed Its Name 17 Times Since Hard to Kill

The American wrestling promotion cannot seem to settle on what its name is, leading to confusion amongst talent as to who they work for and what is going on.

Once the closest thing WWE had to competition, Impact Wrestling returned to the name TNA Wrestling as of the Hard to Kill PPV in January 2024. The company has also been known as NWA-TNA, though some fans are too young to know this or just don't care.

Since the January 13th event, TNA has changed its name approximately 17 times. It was Impact another seven times, TNA six, and NWA twice. The promotion was even called "Tim's Wrestling Land" for a hot minute before going back to TNA on last time.

Oddly enough, nobody at WWE or AEW noticed the changes. Frankly, several officials at both companies were happy to find out TNA is still operational so the wrestlers they release have somewhere to go. No one at WWE has tuned in since AJ Styles left.

#satire #wrestling #tna wrestling

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Tony Khan Just Realized AEW Isn't a Fantasy Wrestling League Run By FanDuel

The head of All Elite Wrestling has spent the last few years booking his company like it isn't real, which actually explains a lot when you stop and think about it.

When AEW debuted in 2019, it took the wrestling world by storm. It was loaded with talent such as Cody Rhodes, Kenny Omega, the Young Bucks, and Chris "Please Sign This NDA" Jericho. It felt like we were living in a wrestling fantasy.

Apparently, the money and brains behind AEW felt the same. Only recently did Tony Khan become aware that AEW is actually real. He thought he was playing a really elaborate fantasy wrestling league through FanDuel or a similar company.

This explains some of his decisions, like signing CM Punk. It's a move that only makes sense in the safe environment of a fantasy league. In Tony's defense, no one expressly sat him down and said AEW was real. He's been pretty focused on his fantasy soccer league.

#satire #wrestling #aew #tony khan

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AEW Breaks New Ground Yet Again with Adam/Christian Feud

The greatest wrestling booker of all time has struck yet again by having Adam Copeland and Christian Cage work a feud against each other, something that has never been done before.

Tony Khan has carved out a name for himself with ingenious, inventive booking that has turned in the industry on its head. He's a fearless and creative man, ready to take a chance on almost any storyline as long as it's new and inventive.

Continuing that trend, Tony has put Adam "Edge" Copeland in a feud with his kayfabe WWE brother Christian Cage. Yes, they feuded and fought multiple times in WWE but that was completely different. Now, it's over a mid-level belt named after a network. And he's not Edge anymore. It's not the same. So shut up.

Watching Adam and Christian feud for the first time since they both left WWE behind feels like a breath of fresh air for the wrestling community. Hopefully, Tony can blow minds yet again by eventually putting Adam and Christian together in a tag team. Fingers crossed!

#satire #wrestling #aew #tony khan

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Oh, Come On, Rhea.

Stop it.

Just call Buddy and see if he's up for pasta or something. I'm trying to work here.

#satire #wrestling #wwe #rhea ripley

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WWE Celebrates CM Punk Delivering the Same Promo for What Seems Like the 300th Time on Raw

The biggest name in sports entertainment is overjoyed that week in and week out, the self professed Best in the World is delivering the same soulless promo over and over.

CM Punk shocked the world when he returned to WWE at WarGames. Well, he shocked WWE fans who don't pay any attention to anything going on outside of WWE and didn't realize the man has basically burned every other bridge in the business.

Regardless, upper management like Triple H and Nick Khan could not be more happy with how his return has gone. So far, Punk has barely wrestled but has delivered the exact same promo on Raw without fail for three hundred consecutive episodes.

I'm sorry... What... Jesus Christ, he's only been back for two months? Holy shit, it feels like six years have gone by since he returned. Nothing has happened. He's done nothing of consequence except tell fans how happy he is and argue with Seth Rollins.

Every time the man delivers the same promo again, I lose a year off my life from boredom. CM Punk is literally killing me. Can he just get in a fist fight with someone backstage and get fired, already? I'm almost 100% positive Drew McIntyre would love to beat him up.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

#satire #wrestling #wwe #cm punk

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Toni Storm has Always Been Black and White

The Kiwi wrestler is relieved that she can finally exist in her natural color scheme and not be forced to perform in technicolor as she has had to work for years.

Arguably one of the best professional wrestlers to ever come out of New Zealand, Toni Storm has found the next level with her current AEW gimmick. "Timeless" Toni Storm gives her the vibe of a bombshell from Hollywood's Golden Age and it works.

To complete the aura, Toni's interviews and vignettes are all shot in black and white. But a little known fact about Toni is that she is naturally black and white, like everyone from New Zealand. The entire country is quite literally in black and white.

Wrestlers like Toni Storm and WWE's Dakota Kai have to wear a significant amount of makeup to appear in color. Being "Timeless" allows Storm to perform in her natural state, giving her a sense of freedom and acceptance she has never had before. Way to go, Toni!

#satire #wrestling #aew #toni storm

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Anthony Ogogo is Still on the AEW Roster, I Guess

The former boxer still technically works for the company despite not being seen on any programming in almost a year.

This is probably going to shock you so sit down. Remember Anthony Ogogo, the former boxer Tony Khan brought in as a wrestler? Yeah, him. He's still on the AEW roster. Seriously. Go check out AEW's roster page. It will blow your mind.

Even more surprising is that it lists a career record of 23 wins and one loss. I have to assume that includes matches he watched from backstage because there's no way he's wrestled that many matches for AEW.

Ogogo hasn't been on any AEW programming since April 2022, though he has been wrestling for a few indie promotions here and there. I don't actually have a joke here. I just can't figure out why Ogogo is still on the AEW roster. Oh, well.

#satire #wrestling #aew

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Jabba the Hutt is All Elite

The former crime lord of Tatooine has signed on with All Elite Wrestling and will make his debut at the next PPV.

Jabba Desilijic Tiure, better known to his subjects, employees, and enemies as Jabba the Hutt, has announced a massive career change. At the age of 600, the multi-ton crime lord will make his wrestling debut with AEW in 2024.

While his is best known for dealing spice, selling slaves, and his fantastic taste in wall art, he has also been a long-time fan of pro wrestling. He feels he has gone as far as he can as a crime lord and will bring his talents to a new arena.

Current plans have him putting on a mask and working as a luchador under the name El Jabba. As part of his training, Chris Jericho has indicated he'd like to have a private meeting with Jabba. Once the NDA is signed, Jabba will take a big step in his career.

#satire #wrestling #aew #jabba the hutt

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Shockingly, Jinder Mahal is Better Known Most Wrestlers in AEW

Uncle Tony recently took a dig at his competitor's booking, leading to a shocking revelation for the head of what's essentially the biggest indie promotion in the United States.

For some reason, Tony Khan has been getting more and more oversensitive online about his booking decisions. Recently, he took issue with fans complaining about him booking Hook in a title match with Samoa Joe by questioning why WWE would book Jinder Mahal against Seth Rollins for his title.

Jinder responded on X by asking who Hook is, a question the vast majority of WWE fans also can't answer. This exchange threw Tony into a deep depression as he realized a former WWE Champion who has been in the business for nearly 20 years is better known than many of the randos he hires to wrestle in AEW.

Since that day, Tony has questioned everything about his company, including if anyone knew or cared who QT Marshall was. He's also wondering if hiring talent based on how good of friends they are with the Young Bucks is actually a sound business decision. It's been a week of epiphanies for Uncle Tony.

#satire #wrestling #aew #tony khan

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Meiko Satomura Won't Stop Bugging Triple H About When She'll Get to Slap the Taste Out of CM Punk's Mouth

The legendary wrestler and coach is looking forward to getting the opportunity to beat the holy crap out of CM Punk.

Calling Meiko Satomura a legend might not do the Japanese superstar justice. She has held titles all over the world, including being the final NXT UK Women's Champion. While it's been a minute since she last wrestled, she has been working as a coach for WWE.

That hasn't stopped her from bugging her boss, Triple H, about climbing in the ring with CM Punk. It turns out they're roughly the same age and Meiko is much, much tougher than Punk. As such, it would be a solid matchup.

Meiko's reasoning is that she hates the sound of his stupid voice and wants to knock him around for a few minutes. What's unclear is if she means she wants a match or not. Honestly, it seems like she just wants to beat Phil up, possibly because his name is Phil.

#satire #wrestling #wwe #cm punk #meiko satomura