somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

Thank you for making this year of my life quite so memorable!

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

And because its the royals, the mess is beautiful.

Birth isn't pretty. There is nothing beautiful or lovely about a bloody head that looks like a leaking beetroot being forced out of a vagina that will never quite be the same again while a sweaty screaming woman is put through immense pain. Watching a birth and describing it as 'beautiful' is a bit like watching the opening scene of Scream and calling it 'quaint'.

If thats not bad enough, after these 9 months of sickness, mood swings and the eventual birth itself, what comes out is a being that is not grateful at all for the efforts made, but instead comes out, immediately bursts into tears suggesting that you have done a massive dishonour by forcing it out of your vagina, shits everywhere and makes your clean furniture appear like it was used as a prop in the film Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, and then rounds it off with a few rounds of vomiting, making you wonder how so much can fit inside such a small human. Then there's the masses of mental pain caused by being woken up night after night in the early hours.

None of this is picturesque, and if you visited the home of a family friend to discover that instead of them having a picture of a sunset hanging proudly on display, they instead had a picture of a babys head crowning surrounded by blood sweat puke and shit, you would have just cause to turn on your heel, run away, and contact the appropriate authorities.

So, Kate Middleton has given birth!

It was an odd chain of events, in that, never before have ill people been so poorly disregarded! On the news you saw press vehicles gathered outside the hospital, and thousands of members of the public all screaming their heads off, almost like they too are giving birth. Everyone was trying to get closer to where Kate was in order to get closer to the 'miracle of birth', meanwhile, nurses desperately ran about finding it increasingly difficult to battle through the crowds to get timmy the life support machine that he desperately needs. But who cares about Timmy on a day like this? Why, even Timmy's mother and father politely asked him to hold on just a little longer so that they could slink off and witness the birth of a future king, and as the 'great' kings of the past have included racists and murderers, why oh why shouldnt another one being born be given a far greater priority than the hospitals other ill dying patients?

We know where this post is going, as I've done a similar one before on the wedding, and this will again cause me to go 'well when so many babies are born each day what makes this one so important' blah blah blah, *insert left wing comment* *insert occasional naughty word* *wander off on a tangent and wonder why in the 21st century we still havent quite managed to grow the fuck up as a country*...so I'll skip all that and instead get to the name.

"Ohh Kate and William are such a modern couple, and Kate! Why! Kates a commoner would you believe!" For a start people who say this are utter idiots, oh yes, kate the 'commoner', why it was just yesterday that I saw her in the queue for the job center trying to get the job to be the cleaner at Pets at Home. But anyway, 'modern and hip' kate and wills, bound to break tradition, bound to progress, what will they call it?

George. Oh, just like the 6 king George's we've already had. Well done Kate and Wills, the one thing you could have done right you fucked up on. Right Royals, not gonna use another word on you, Toodle!

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

The mental side of BBC3

BBC3 is doing a special 'mental health' season, now, mental health is an issue which i am quite concerned with, so when in the adverts they promise to 'remove the stigma surrounding mental illness' i felt 'oh good, about time'... and then it begins, with a show that's slightly contradictory named 'Don't call me crazy' ... now.. why would a show thats trying to remove stigma call itself 'dont call me crazy'?,,, the actual fact is, these people on the shows are not crazy at all, just ill, yet here the viewing public (and its bbc3,,, if we're honest some of them are a bit dim) are being reminded that the public opinion of them is that they are in fact crazy... which is plain backwards... its a bit like Nick Griffin bringing out a book solely about his education system, yet naming the book 'I'm not a racist cunt!' If bbc3 was really trying to move on past the 'crazy' opinion of mental illness, then they would just remove the word from the title, instead, it more appears that they've made a desperate attempt to handle a serious topic, yet, because its bbc3 they still feel the need to slightly sensationalize it, and make it controversial, and show the very extreme of mental illness, thus perhaps not really do anything to solve the problem at all. How the show handles depression isnt by discussing the crippling feelings of hopelessness that these people feel, its not about them wanting to end their on lives, sure there's often talk of suicide, but rather bbc focuses on the very extremes, they focus on the individuals that spend days at a time just sitting in a curled up ball on the floor, in tears and not talking, they show this, stick cameras in their faces, show them if we're honest as being crazy, and then they go and call the show 'Don't call me crazy', not removing this stigma, but enhancing it. Meanwhile over on ITV This Morning did a interview with a depression sufferer, which in my opinion was a million times more successful than the whole of "Don't call me crazy" put together.

In all fairness to BBC, they did slightly improve, after the slightly backwards 'Don't Call me Crazy'  they did another show called... err... something... 'Footballs suicide secret'... might have been called that. And that was better, but still not great. For a start, why dwell on football, yes it's an issue that doesnt get enough air time, so for that reason of course it should be dealt with in the public eye, yet, again you can't help but feel its the BBC3 trying to sensationalize it, BBC going 'we need to deal with it but bbc3 audiences wont watch, oh i no, lets make it about football' and it gives across the wrong message to others. The fact is I can sit here and go 'oh footballs a load of bollocks how can people give a shit about football', but, obviously different things mean different amounts to different people, so while to the people in the show football is a massive part of their life, some, rather naive people, will just sit there and go 'How the bloody hell can he be depressed over football its only a game he needs to grow up' thus possibly belittling it and showing it as something that you need to just move on past, not understanding the grip that the illness has over their lives. It also makes the common mistake of acting like such illnesses always have a trigger, when in actual fact they can come about seemingly uncaused, again, this is another issue that ITV's This Morning successfully dealt with within a 15 minute interview.

There's still another show to come in their mental health season, this one being a diary about mental health sufferers, and hopefully it's an improvement, although to be honest I dont no if whats been shown so far has helped remove the stigma at all, it might have removed the tabboo by openly displaying it on prime time BBC TV, but as a thorough to the point look at mental illness, it's so far failed. If they want to deal with it, stick it on BBC1, cut the sensationalist crap bbc3 always throws in to try to make their shows appeal to their target, and give it a down to earth and honest documentary, or, just achieve what ITV managed to achieve within 15 minutes.

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

General Stupidity

Some things are just plain bloody stupid.

You don't know why, but there are some things, where you see them, and you just want to reach for the nearest bucket to insert your head into and then fill with water. 

An example, the injurylawyers for you advert where the woman falls down the stairs, here it is in all its glory

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLN4iPhYoyY

What makes this such a stupid advert is how serious they all try to be, when, in actual fact the man on the far left is swinging his arms so much his sheer campness removes any seriousness immediately. The man next to him isnt moving his arms at all making him look like a robot trying to shift a massive shit, the woman quite clearly is a massive idiot who does not understand how stairs works and your too busy mocking those three the advert doesnt give you enough time to mock the guy on the right. 

Another example of something just plain stupid: 

This man, David Van Day, who, has come out slightly bigger than intended, and thanks to tumblr being twatty i cant shrink. But anyway, this chap here, just plain, complete, in your face, cunt. 

Next, this chap

Yes, Nigel Farage, although if you live in a cave when it comes to UK politics you'll be let off for thinking that its Dracula about to finger someone. 

Anyway, Farage, the leader of UKIP or the UK independence party. A party which constantly claims to be "non-racist" ... which is instantly worrying. Why would you go out of your way to claim that your not racist,,, unless you are in fact racist? It just all seems a little bit odd,,,, a bit like meeting someone and them greeting you with "Hi Im Gregg, your non terrorist neighbor." Well, it turns out to be  as simple as UKIP telling a little white lie, because in actual fact, basically what they want is to keep people out.  All across the manifesto is protection of the British, upholding British traditions blah blah blah, which, is slightly familiar to us due to the manifesto of this man: 

Yes, its king of the cunts, Nick Griffin.

Anyway, back to Farage, on the surface is his whole "We're new and exciting and not racist" underneath it all gets a little bit prickly, the immigration manifesto is... 'carefully worded' is one way of putting it. Then you see that his against gay marriage, upholding the church upholding the queen... mehhh... its 21st century and all... and then he wants us out the EU. Which, considering he's relatively new to the main playing field, this is a bit worrying. Its sort of a bit like going for a filling, your normal dentist not being there, so instead your greeted with a man covered in blood who gets you to sign an agreement allowing him to do whatever he wants to you. Why's Farage quite so desperate to get us out the EU.. just whats he planning.. all seems a bit odd.. especially when combined with his love of nuclear weapons. 

So, that's Farage, who's about as trusty as a 70's Childrens TV presenter. 

Ciao.

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

Thatcher.

Margaret Thatcher is one of the worst things to have happened to Englands working class in recent history. She was a woman interested in making the rich richer and the poor poorer. Allegedly involved in the cover up of the Hillsborough disaster, she was also the prime cause of much social unrest. An apparent feminist despite the fact that she did very little to help women and acquired much of her initial wealth by marrying a millionaire husband. 

This woman stopped being prime minister in 1990. So why oh why are people now celebrating her death. People need to learn what gets things done and what doesnt, celebrating a death, does nothing. And, more to the point is just plain wrong. The time to celebrate was when she came out of office, celebrate that no problem, but the fact is that for the past few years she has not been our primeminister, her reign of terror is over, we are not celebrating the start of a better time, we are just celebrating a death. I'm not saying that you should respect Thatcher, I don't respect her I should add, but at least respect the value that a human life has. 

Where the problem lies is with the traces of Thatcher that are still in the government, the rich are still getting richer and the poor are still being poorer, there are problems with the multi million pounds funeral which we're paying for, yet when local heroes, friends, family die, they get no recognition what so ever. So complain and make your voice heard here all you like, this is getting something done. Celebrating the death of an ill elderly woman however does not. 

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

If one believes Homer, Sisyphus was the wisest and most prudent of mortals. According to another tradition, however, he was disposed to practice the profession of highwayman. I see no contradiction in this. Opinions differ as to the reasons why he became the futile laborer of the underworld. To begin with, he is accused of a certain levity in regard to the gods. He stole their secrets. Egina, the daughter of Esopus, was carried off by Jupiter. The father was shocked by that disappearance and complained to Sisyphus. He, who knew of the abduction, offered to tell about it on condition that Esopus would give water to the citadel of Corinth. To the celestial thunderbolts he preferred the benediction of water. He was punished for this in the underworld. Homer tells us also that Sisyphus had put Death in chains. Pluto could not endure the sight of his deserted, silent empire. He dispatched the god of war, who liberated Death from the hands of her conqueror. It is said that Sisyphus, being near to death, rashly wanted to test his wife's love. He ordered her to cast his unburied body into the middle of the public square. Sisyphus woke up in the underworld. And there, annoyed by an obedience so contrary to human love, he obtained from Pluto permission to return to earth in order to chastise his wife. But when he had seen again the face of this world, enjoyed water and sun, warm stones and the sea, he no longer wanted to go back to the infernal darkness. Recalls, signs of anger, warnings were of no avail. Many years more he lived facing the curve of the gulf, the sparkling sea, and the smiles of earth. A decree of the gods was necessary. Mercury came and seized the impudent man by the collar and, snatching him from his joys, lead him forcibly back to the underworld, where his rock was ready for him. You have already grasped that Sisyphus is the absurd hero. He is, as much through his passions as through his torture. His scorn of the gods, his hatred of death, and his passion for life won him that unspeakable penalty in which the whole being is exerted toward accomplishing nothing. This is the price that must be paid for the passions of this earth. Nothing is told us about Sisyphus in the underworld. Myths are made for the imagination to breathe life into them. As for this myth, one sees merely the whole effort of a body straining to raise the huge stone, to roll it, and push it up a slope a hundred times over; one sees the face screwed up, the cheek tight against the stone, the shoulder bracing the clay-covered mass, the foot wedging it, the fresh start with arms outstretched, the wholly human security of two earth-clotted hands. At the very end of his long effort measured by skyless space and time without depth, the purpose is achieved. Then Sisyphus watches the stone rush down in a few moments toward that lower world whence he will have to push it up again toward the summit. He goes back down to the plain. It is during that return, that pause, that Sisyphus interests me. A face that toils so close to stones is already stone itself! I see that man going back down with a heavy yet measured step toward the torment of which he will never know the end. That hour like a breathing-space which returns as surely as his suffering, that is the hour of consciousness. At each of those moments when he leaves the heights and gradually sinks toward the lairs of the gods, he is superior to his fate. He is stronger than his rock. If this myth is tragic, that is because its hero is conscious. Where would his torture be, indeed, if at every step the hope of succeeding upheld him? The workman of today works everyday in his life at the same tasks, and his fate is no less absurd. But it is tragic only at the rare moments when it becomes conscious. Sisyphus, proletarian of the gods, powerless and rebellious, knows the whole extent of his wretched condition: it is what he thinks of during his descent. The lucidity that was to constitute his torture at the same time crowns his victory. There is no fate that can not be surmounted by scorn. If the descent is thus sometimes performed in sorrow, it can also take place in joy. This word is not too much. Again I fancy Sisyphus returning toward his rock, and the sorrow was in the beginning. When the images of earth cling too tightly to memory, when the call of happiness becomes too insistent, it happens that melancholy arises in man's heart: this is the rock's victory, this is the rock itself. The boundless grief is too heavy to bear. These are our nights of Gethsemane. But crushing truths perish from being acknowledged. Thus, Edipus at the outset obeys fate without knowing it. But from the moment he knows, his tragedy begins. Yet at the same moment, blind and desperate, he realizes that the only bond linking him to the world is the cool hand of a girl. Then a tremendous remark rings out: "Despite so many ordeals, my advanced age and the nobility of my soul make me conclude that all is well." Sophocles' Edipus, like Dostoevsky's Kirilov, thus gives the recipe for the absurd victory. Ancient wisdom confirms modern heroism. One does not discover the absurd without being tempted to write a manual of happiness. "What!---by such narrow ways--?" There is but one world, however. Happiness and the absurd are two sons of the same earth. They are inseparable. It would be a mistake to say that happiness necessarily springs from the absurd. discovery. It happens as well that the felling of the absurd springs from happiness. "I conclude that all is well," says Edipus, and that remark is sacred. It echoes in the wild and limited universe of man. It teaches that all is not, has not been, exhausted. It drives out of this world a god who had come into it with dissatisfaction and a preference for futile suffering. It makes of fate a human matter, which must be settled among men. All Sisyphus' silent joy is contained therein. His fate belongs to him. His rock is a thing Likewise, the absurd man, when he contemplates his torment, silences all the idols. In the universe suddenly restored to its silence, the myriad wondering little voices of the earth rise up. Unconscious, secret calls, invitations from all the faces, they are the necessary reverse and price of victory. There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night. The absurd man says yes and his efforts will henceforth be unceasing. If there is a personal fate, there is no higher destiny, or at least there is, but one which he concludes is inevitable and despicable. For the rest, he knows himself to be the master of his days. At that subtle moment when man glances backward over his life, Sisyphus returning toward his rock, in that slight pivoting he contemplates that series of unrelated actions which become his fate, created by him, combined under his memory's eye and soon sealed by his death. Thus, convinced of the wholly human origin of all that is human, a blind man eager to see who knows that the night has no end, he is still on the go. The rock is still rolling. I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one's burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.

Albert Camus - The Myth Of Sisyphus

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

Holy Smoke! (post comes with a warning)

Hello!

Haven't been here since the start of the new year, so felt a return was due, and with the 'choosing' of the new pope, now seems like the appropriate time for this return. Yes. It's a post on religion. Look away now.

Here is the white smoke that's been all over the papers for the last few days, and, it's as they say, when there's smoke, there's fire. The Catholic Church over recent years has fetched a rather bad reputation for being old fashioned, homophobic, responsible for spreading AIDS, and well they havent got the best of press recently have they. Especially seeing as when the last pope was chosen it immediately emerged that he was part of the Hitler Youth. But well, maybe now it's time for change. Apparently the new pope is left, liberal, and in general really groovy and down with the kids. 

So, one of his 'new revolutionary leftist' ideas is to baptize the children of single parents... Oh... right ok... that's not quite what I was looking for there. Basically how this works is in the Catholic Church those that are baptized are 'saved' in terms of they go to heaven to be with people that have followed the words of the pope to the letter such as Jimmy Saville, whilst children who are not baptized go to limbo. They can't go to Hell of course as that would make the Catholic Church cruel and who on Earth would have the audacity to say that?! But the catholic church has had a bit of a problem with single parents, because, as previously mentioned the church may be a tad old fashioned and may consider someone riding a unicycle while looking through a monocle as something new and revolutionary. So, for that reason, if your born of a single parent, your not being baptized. But now this is changing! The catholic church is beginning to be accepting of single parent births! ... yeah whatever, it's the 21st century and this has ONLY just happened... are you having a laugh. 

Right, well, Gay Marriage. That's been a massive issue within the church for recent years, so what's this new revolutionary 'left' pope have to say about that, is the Catholic Church about to change? Well, here's what the new pope had to say on the subject of gay marriage: "Let's not be naive: this isn't a simple political fight, it's an attempt to destroy God's plan." ...

Right.

That's just awkward to read. We are sitting here in the 21st century, whilst an elderly man in a cloak states that 2 men can't get married because that his imaginary friend told him so (did say this came with a warning.) This is just plain wrong. An 'attempt to destroy God's plan', if 'God's plan' also involves tsunami, earthquakes, fundamentalism, Aids, poverty and all that kind of thing then I think that it's perfectly acceptable to try and interfere with God's plan to be honest! It's 2013!!!! We've advanced... We have science... why are we listening to this man?!

It's at this point I decide to give up. the words 'left wing' are not the correct words to use to describe this new pope just as the words 'a little on the podgy side' aren't the right words to describe vanessa feltz. The last pope's controversies included that whole mess over the 'evil of condoms' and the claim that atheists are responsible for all the Worlds evil, and by the looks of it there's more of this rot to come. Congratulations Catholic Church on not progressing at all, now once again we'll watch millions of people who follow the Catholic Church be absolutely brain washed by the popes baloney all over again.

Anywhom, all hail the pope n all.

Ciao!

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

The big fat fuss over nothing.

What do you get if you stick Jonathon Ross, Jack Whitehall, Russell Howard, James Cordon and Jimmy Carr on the same show together? Add in the fact that it's aired past the watershed and finishes at half 10, and your left with a show that clearly isnt intended for Daily Mail readers... which is why this article by The Daily Mail (who else?) annoys me quite so much. Yes, they swore, yes, they were rude, blah bloody blah. But, do not sit there and whine "I shouldnt have to watch this!" because you quite simply don't have to watch it. If you dont like what you see then quite simply change the channel, or, sell your TV! Trade it in for every single edition of the Daily Mail thats ever been published,,, that will keep you busy. If youre the sort thats easily offended, then dont sit down and think, 'ah, jimmy carr, he'll lift my spirits!' people seem to eager to complain, people love being pissed off and love being offended, if you truly dont like something then dont watch it! That will do it more harm, it will bring down viewing figures, instead of doing what the Daily Mail stupidly does which is draw attention to it, and then when it happens again it cries out "Oh, how disgusting!" Just shut up Daily Mail, for the love of God shut up! And parents, dont you start whining "This was only just after the watershed my children could have been watching this" .. so whaat? It's your job as a parent to protect your 'child' from offensive content, Channel 4 was showing it past the watershed... Maybe now, in the 21st century, its time to stop saying "Oh Golly what what!" everytime someone shows an ankle.

Oh, yeah, and happy new year, apart from you Daily Mail readers. Now start your letter of complaint about this blog.

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

2012. Good year? Or is it unfortunate the Mayans weren't correct?

Well, firstly, I hope that you all had a good Christmas... and that any lingering around extra relatives have now figured out that they have outstayed their welcome and have toddled off. But, Christmas always hits as a bit of a 2 parter, as soon as Christmas is over, the new year pops up. So, my final post of 2012, is a look back at 2012.... whilst the dispute of 'is it twenty 12 or two thousand and 12?' still rages.

So 2012 is the year that...

People in clubs up and down the country started to look like this: 

Yes - Gangam Style. Theres always one song that gets over played and over played and over played... normally its some mushy song... the song Your Beautiful comes to mind... this year it was a Korean song about a 'ooooooohhh sexy lady' and the joys that is Gangam Style... strangely enough, despite the fact that it now has over 10000000 youtube views and is played so much its unreal... it still hasnt particularly grated on me...then again,,, that might be because that whenever i hear it i'm rather drunk... but yes, 2012 was the year of Gangam Style. 

Whitney Houston died. The legendary singer died in February of 2012, causing people to go 'Oh heck, the Mayans were right.' The decline of Whitney had been rather public viewing for the last few years, and when the singer of the absolute power house of a song 'The Greatest Love of All' appeared on the X Factor and gave a broken rendition of Million Dollar Bill it was clear that something wasn't right. Once again, the press went mad, and instead of showing pictures of the singer in her epic prime, it instead showed 'less flattering' images of her. Causing me to reaffirm my belief that newspaper editors are twats.

Trenton Oldfield went for a swim. Basically, the Oxford and Cambridge boat race is an annual celebration of elitism. Surely the fact that it is between Oxford and Cambridge is evidence enough of this. Its just a bunch of posh people rowing while posh people go and watch and ask Jeeves the butler to hold their bags whilst they spit on tramps faces. This year, Trenton Oldfield attempted to boycott the boat race, in an ongoing battle to try and cease elitism in England... the response he got? cries of people going 'he called the boat race elitist?! Oh the audacity! Oh how very dare he!'

That sopa and pipa thing happened... yeah... i still no nothing about that.

The Sun on Sunday emerged. Basically this was Rupert Murdochs way of saying 'The news of the World is unethical. It would be unethical of me to keep the news of the world in circulation... so therefore I'll keep the news of the world in circulation but give it another name.' ... nice one Murdoch.. nice one. You fucking scrotum of a man.

Samantha Brick! Caused, if we're honest, rather shocking amounts of controversy! By, writing in the Daily Mail and claiming that 'its hard to look this beautiful' this woman, i feel its fair to say, is a tad delusional. It's hardly uncommon for the Daily Mail to be full of shit, but this was a bit surprising even for the mail. Then she had a Twitter fall out with Lauren Laverne... and ohh it was just rather hilarious! She genuinely wound a few people up with her somewhat warped confidence, so how did she respond, did she apologize? No. Instead she stated that peoples anger proves her right and she decided to go on the next series of Celebrity Big Brother... bless.

The year of tax. Jimmy Carr made headlines, for not paying his taxes. To make things a tad more 'awkward' for the comedian, this came jussst after he absolutely slated Barclays for their tax avoiding on the show 10 o'clock live. It was also just after he 'did his bit' at the Queens Jubilee making it even more cringe worthy. Even David Cameron commented on Jimmy Carr... People were asking would it end his career? And while its generally agreed it 'was a set back' his actually gone on to have success since, and him being slated for it on 8 out of 10 cats was absolutely fantastic tv. 

London hosted the Olympics. And did we totally fail? No. The fact is the Olympics has had so much coverage i dont really want to add to the fire, Mo Farah was bloody impressive, in fact, alot of the 'sporting achievement' was impressive,,, and it did pull people together... mind you... for some people they were pulled together in a rather bigoted and racist way, but alas, in general the olympics went well... apart from the fact Emile Sande did not stop singing... and i dont care what people say the opening ceremony was fucking shit. 

The royals did stuff... alot of stuff. This year, we saw, Prince Harry in the nude, Kate Middleton with her top off, the Queen jumping out of a plane, the Queen looking pissed off at her own jubilee, Prince Phillip was on a boat for too long and needed the loo, and William didnt use a condom so Kate is pregnant. The royals remain an absolute waste of space that everyone cares  about, which is completely uncalled for. But well,,, i spose they've been relatively entertaining this year at least. 

The World didn't end. People went mad... again. The most recent prediction for the end of the world once again proved to be wrong. Lots of people in someplace somewhere gathered by a mountain where they believed they would be saved by a bunch of aliens... when nothing happened that must have been an awkward few minutes. Apparently the world will now end in 2017! Right. Here we go again.

The  bumbling idiot and the wise man of the west. This year it seems that Americans are more intelligent that Londoners. The Mayoral election saw the return of the clinically insane Boris, while the american election saw the return of the 'well we're certainly getting there' Barack Obama.

And- the last event of the year to make it to this post. 2012 was the year that the first wave of university students paying £9000 a year started uni. Free university education once existed believe it or not, now, it seems to be unthinkable.

Of course, that wasnt all that happened in 2012, but well, i cant really be arsed to go on and could do with sleep. Happy new year to you all!

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

So the presents are wrapped.

We survived! 21st december 2012 has passed, and, if your reading this you survived. Apparently our new dooms day is January 2017, well, we'll deal with that when we get to it eh!

Until then, Merry Christmas to everyone.

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

Yes - It's made it to my blog. The HORROR that is: Self Service.

Gone are the days my cherubs when buying a bottle of water from Tesco involved picking up a bottle of water, giving 50p to the shop assistant, and then walking out. Now, popping in for a bottle of water involves being shouted out by a robot and the desperate hunt for a polythene bag.

In theory, you can see the thought process going on behind self service, people getting served quicker, ergo shorter queues, ergo happy people, and the added bonus of problem customers taking their anger out on machines instead of the unfortunate person that happens to be working the checkout. But, oh no, these 'things' are far from perfect. Now, the fact is this, some people are just absolute idiots. We've all been in that position where we're standing in the queue and the twat ahead of us is struggling to work out how to scan their bog roll. and then they put their notes in the coupon section... and then they can't see why it is that its telling them to put the item on the bagging area... and then you hear cries of "Where's the bagging area?!" and oh lord its so irritating and by the end of it you just want to pick up the bog roll they're buying and hit them over the head with it. But alas, not always, is it the persons fault. 

One of the annoyances happens in particular with the Tesco self service machines, Tesco seems to be particularly impatient.. although i must say the Sainsburys ones are also pretty moody. But you get the annoyance of you scan your items through, all is fine, you pay, all is fine. And then it comes to bagging the items. Nothing, and i repeat nothing, is more stressful than frantically trying to bag your items while a voice repeatedly yells at you "Please take your items" and the person behind you in the queue is staring at you. The self service voice doesnt even give you 5 seconds, its just non stop "Please take your items", this is the equivalent of "hurry the fuck up!" And, what makes it even more annoying, is that we've all been in the situation where we walk up to said self service and think, aha, i know what i'll do, so that the impatient self service machine doesnt yell at me, I shall simply scan the items and then put them straight in to my incredibly durable bag for life... but nope.. you can't do that. Self service machines seem to highly value a small area which they call 'the bagging area', and if you even think about putting your items straight into your bag without visiting the bagging area then you get shouted at "Place your items in the bagging area"... What this means is that you are forced into having the frantic rush at the end of your scanning of putting it all into the bags. The person behind the self service machine clearly just deeply enjoys moaning at people. Even worse is when your items are in the bagging area and yet the machine still goes "Place your items in the bagging area" this then results in the user of the machine yelling at the top of their voice "BUT ITS IN THE BAGGING AREA!" and this makes them look foolish and results in men in white coats carting them off. 

Then, when things do go wrong, the machine tells you that youve gone wrong, and calls assistance on your behalf, but, not only does it tell you that you've gone wrong, it tells the entire store. "WAIT FOR ASSISTANCE" can be heard coming from Self service machines even if you are standing way at the other end of a superstore. And if your unfortunate enough to be using the shouting machine then you just stand there thinking to yourself "oh god i feel like a knob",what makes things worse is that the machine tells you to wait for assistance even when assistance is not needed! I was in Tesco a few days ago, and the machine said 'Do you have your own bags?' I said 'Yes' The machine told me to wait for assistance! Why?! What could i possibly need assistance with?! I just told the bloody thing i have my own bags, yet know the machines making me wait, wait for what?! I dont need someone to come up to me and confirm the fact that yes, i do indeed have my own bags! But, just because that your doing the righteous thing of recycling bags you get the entire store thinking "some twat doesnt know how the self service machine works" I do know how it works, the problem lies in the fact that the machine seems to think that i dont know how a bag works! The self service machines at WHSmith, now theyre just put there to irritate, the actual machines are reasonable enough, but the bags! In no Smiths that ive ever been to have the self service bags been big enough, genuinely their so small the bags provided you feel like your a playmobil character. So this then means you have to say to the person working there "Do you have a bigger bag?" thus completely removing the point of you using self service in the first place! 

Libraries, the problem gets slightly worse, as in libraries not only do normal problems persist, but youre also forced into using the self service by library staff. I went up to the counter to return books, and the person there ushered me along to the self service, when i told her the reason i wasn't using self service was because the machine was broken i was given the most hatred filled look I've ever been given in my life. Genuinely i was expecting her to turn to me and say "You lying lazy bastard."

When the machine rejects money you really do just think to yourself 'why didnt i just brave the queue and get served by a human?' your buying a paper, it's only 50p, so you put it in, and it spits it back out, and so on and so on... This would never happen at a staffed checkout! Imagine paying the 50P for your paper, and the person at the till hurling it back at your face! This is essentially what happens when a self service throws your money back out!

But, it all ends with you being kindly thanked for doing your shopping with them, and despite the hell of the self service, you know that you'll be back to using it the next time that the queue is more than 10 seconds long. 

Ciao!

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

The Royal Cry

Kate Middleton is pregnant.

Since William and Kate first got married (if you can briefly remind yourself of the worst thing that the BBC has ever broadcast) there have been people constantly asking the question "When will the first baby be on the way?"... the people asking this have been quite... hmm.. lets use the word 'soppy'... and rather fond of the royals. The Royal Wedding came at a time when people... well... they werent happy if we're honest. Tuition fees had gone up, the recession (yes, you have now heard that word for the millionth and 12th time) and people were hating David Cameron and Nick Clegg in general. Then that cock called David Cameron appeared on TV and basically said 'I know your all fucked off. But two people who you will never ever meet are going to get married. So therefore we're going to have a bank holiday and I will wear a tie.' First of all Mr Cameron, if you think that 2 people I do not care about getting married will turn my frown upside down then you are wrong. Secondly, just shut up. I do really not give a shite if you are going to wear a tie or not.. do not try to be 'one of us'... because you are not, dick.

Where was i... Yes....Royal wedding came at a time when people werent happy... and the news of a royal pregnancy has come at a time when people... arent happy. Earlier this year we were hearing that the Olympics will 'turn this nation around'... but it didnt did it... we did a frankly shit opening ceremony, a forgettable closing ceremony and now it doesnt even feel like the Olympics even happened. Instead we're approaching Christmas, and people aren't happy because for the 999th year in the row we're hearing the words 'Credit Crunch Christmas'.. meaning once again the Christmas dinner will be courtesy of Lidl and will therefore be unrecognizable even as food and we'll be hearing the words "Oh good, I've been running low on socks" quite a few times. So, this 'credit crunch christmas' means that people are having to be working more in the run up to christmas, meaning they aren't happy, elsewhere people are desperately searching for jobs because cuts are still happening and people are still being made redundant,,, so that lot aren't happy... meanwhile it was on the news today that more cuts are 'on the cards' meaning no ones happy, and loads of places are getting flooded meaning before going out the question 'do i need a coat?' isnt an important one but the question 'do i need a dinghy?' is an important one. So, to those saying 'Oh Kate getting pregnant is the lift that this country desperately needs' are absolutely delusional. Lift?! No,,, Kate Middleton getting pregnant is like putting a plaster on a leg thats been cut in half. It patches up a tiny little bit of a problem, it means that people think 'Oh thats nice' but the fact is that this isnt 'the good news story' that the press are making it out to be. So what Kate Middleton is pregnant.. really.. so bloody what?! Despite Kate Middleton being pregnant we're still in a credit crunch christmas, family benefits are still being cut and the jobless are still jobless! Why is it that due to some woman being pregnant we're all meant to suddenly be happy?! The fact is though, of course, to the Royals the 'credit crunch christmas' is absolutely insignificant. If they weren't Royal they'd be called tax avoiding twats, yet because they are Royal there called absolutely amazing! Why?! Why do they have the exemption? Maybe we should bridge that gap, maybe, just maybe we should call the royals a bunch of twats?

The fact is that millions of people are pregnant, really, millions, but the fact is that no one gives a shit about the millions of other pregnant people, but people care about Kate, why, because she's part of the Royal family. Some people say that elitism is a thing of the past in England, these people are liars. Elitism is still painfully present. Kate was in hospital recently and there were a few worries about her pregnancy, now, don't get me wrong, I do hope her pregnancy goes fine, it would be tragic if anything went wrong. But, if something went wrong with this royal pregnancy it would be just as tragic if something went wrong in any other pregnancy. When there were worries with Kate she gets private care, meanwhile millions of mothers who want children have the emotional trauma of miscarriages, and no one knows. Kate gets pregnant, and its all over the news. WHYYY for the love of god why!! You, yes you, dear person reading this post, you are just as important as Kate Middleton, just as important as William and the Queen and whoever. But sadly, the simple fact is if you fall down and break a bone no one will care (well.. other than your friends and family of course) yet if it were any of the Royals it would be national news and they would be rushed into private care.

So, yes yes, congratulations on getting preggers and all, but i dont really care. So lets shut up about it. And, our friendly pal Dave, if you give another bloody talk about wearing a tie i will actually scream.

Ciao for now. 

Oh, and merry christmas, enjoy your lidl turkey.

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

Jeremy Clarkson is becoming a national treasure...apparently.

Well, that's what the Daily Mail thinks at least.

And no, thats not me taking the piss out of The Daily Mail... they actually are, yes, they REALLY are calling this chap a 'national treasure.' 

don't get me wrong, i don't actually buy into the 'Lets burn Jeremy Clarkson and stick needles into his testes' cries that people make, i think that he hosts an entertainment show, and he entertains. But, calling this chap a national treasure is a bit like hiring Jimmy Carr as the head of the bank of england,,, its just not right.

He's called Gordon Brown a 'one eyed scottish idiot' he's offended every race under the sun, stated that lorry drivers kill prostitutes and suggested that protesters should be taken outside and shot in front of their families. ... But its not all bad, to be fair to the chap he has at least punched Piers Morgan. 

The Daily Mail is, to put it lightly, a load of absolute fucking bollocks that is filled with complete lies and is even more scandalous than the most trashy tabloids in existence. If you ask anyone, and buy this i mean literally ANYONE why it is that they buy the Daily Mail they will give you this response "they give a good tv guide on saturday" and yes, yes they do. Whoop de doo. Thank heavens for the saturday pull out, if it wasnt for that then the racist homophobic scandalous piece of trash called a newspaper may no longer exist, and wouldnt that be a national tragedy. 

Anyway, i think that we've now gathered why it is that Jeremy Clarkson is not a national treasure, there now remains the question, who is? 

"The Queen" i hear you say? "oh be quiet you fool" is my response. The Queen is not a national treausure. She's an overpaid tax avoider who is so loved and respected for doing nothing but sitting on a chair, wearing a big hat and promoting elitism. And that goes for any of the royals, the royals are not national treasures, no, just no. About 2 years ago if you asked someone who a national treasure is they may well give you the answer "Jimmy Saville" but now even mentioning the well known childrens presenter that generously donates to charity   pedophile makes people feel very awkward and cringe a little. In fact, i think that we should just say that there are no national treasures. 

So, sorry mr clarkson, but the daily mail is wrong, you're not a national treasure, although, you are arguably more of one than the queen is.. so well done there. 

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

You are a woman and therefore you are not as good as a man.... but don't worry, God loves you.

Today the Church of England voted against the introduction of women bishops. This sounds highly old fashioned and sexist, and the reason for this is because, well, it is. Once again, something which is seen as morally wrong, is allowed because that it is religion. If a political party stated that it would only allow men to be MP's then there would be an absolute uproar, yet, because that the decision comes from the church, a religious organisation, we have to give it acceptance and respect... Why? The fact that it's a religious organisation doesnt make it acceptable, it's still sexist, it's still old fashioned, it's still just wrong.

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

Look out. Here comes that bloody coca cola lorry again.

So, its that time of the year yet again. November has begun meaning christmas lights are going on, that coke advert is on TV, and people are saying "ooh im feeling all christmassy." Christmas adverts pretty much begin in October, this means that by the time it actually is Christmas day, you're completely fucking sick of christmas and want to scream every time the radio plays Last Christmas by Wham. People wander round off their heads on mulled wine, why are they off their heads on mulled wine we ask ourselves? There are far nicer drinks out there, but, because its 'Christmassy' it must be mulled wine, once again, by the time Christmas day itself eventually arrives your completely sick of mulled wine and beginning to feel quite ill purely due to the smell of it. Christmas nativities, another thing that happen far too early, normally round about the end of November those pain staking ordeals begin. A bunch of children who can't act put on a pathetically poor show to a bunch of old people, and in return the old people say "awww." I dont believe that anyone who has watched a childrens nativity play has ever given the opinion "yeah it was really good"... most people when asked how it was say "Oh it was adorable" 'Adorable' in this sense is code for absolutely rubbish. In every nativity play they always give the child with the unfortunate stutter the largest speaking role, the wings fall off the angels, and the singing is so hideous that it makes you wish that you remembered to bring headphones. By the time Christmas day arrives you've seen so many absolutely rubbish nativities you never want to see a child try to act again. Another 'absolutely splendid' yet ever so slightly torturous event that is becoming christmas tradition is a christmas panto. I hate panto... almost more than i can put into words, a few days ago i saw the lights being turned on in Bristol and there was a panto segment there. In which the good at heart (yet if we're honest probably mildly simple) panto loving audience shouted "ITS BEHIND YOU" to a chap dressed up as Peter Pan... the audience were doing this to 'warn' dear Pan about an absolutely chilling chap that was dressed as Captain Hook who was standing behind him. I wasnt one of the people that felt the need to shout "Its behind you", not because of pride, not because im a bit of a scrooge, but because i was using the logic that if master Hook had indeed cut up dear Mr Pan then that would have ended the entire hideous ordeal, no more panto, horray! Christmas songs, again, mainly due to adverts by the time Christmas day itself arrives everyone is thoroughly sick of them... I wont lie Fairy Tale of New York by The Pogues is a song that i really do rather adore... but hearing that ridiculously awful song 'I wish it could be Christmas every day' really is enough to drive you mad... my god..imagine that... christmas every day... a nativity every day of the year... the word "christmassy" being used in the middle of August... another bloody panto each and every day... All the fakeness that comes with christmas every single day of the year... all its not worth thinking about... christmas is drastically becoming more scary than Halloween. I suppose though, the thing that i have to ask myself though is 'Am I hypocrite?' Why is it that 'the bloody coke lorry' is one of my favorite ever adverts... why is it that a little bit of me rather enjoys the hideousness of Christmas shopping with all the expense, cold weather, long queues and screaming children that Christmas shopping entails... why is it that although i complain about them, a little bit of me rather enjoys the pathetically awful Christmas nativities and why is it that when the Burdett Christmas tree is purchased i get so keen its unreal. I suppose the answer to these questions is the same as the answer to the question "Why do i watch the Polar Express every single year?" and the answer is, although its hideous, painful, fake and riddled with bad singing.... its undeniably 'christmassy.'

Ciao for now folks. 

[somethings-gone-terribly-wr-blog]

Getting the Clover butter effect.

Yes, Clover butter... my first post for about 2 months and its got Clover Butter in the title... delightful isnt it...

anywhom... this isnt actually a post about Clover butter i should point out, although if this news to you is extremely disappointing then i'm sure that sooommmeewhere on the internet you'll be able to find a blog all about clover butter... you'll then feel all jolly and delightful and skip off into the sunset. 

The advert for Clover butter (yep, we're not moving away from it just yet) claims that Clover is slap bang in the middle... its not full fat butter and its not skinny margarine that tastes like victoria beckhams skin (I dont believe thats the exact wording they used in the advert... but near enough i'm sure) so because that it falls slap bang into the middle it therefore is great. So... lets move this away from butter. The thing that I've learnt in my first 6 weeks at Uni is that the way to be, is like clover butter. Personality wise that is ofcourse. What i mean by this is, if you have a conversation with someone and by the end of the conversation they are thinking 'oh my god what a dick'... then it is quite likely you have done wrong... unless you are just a dick... in which case you will never change... never. But then theres also the other extremity, if you have a conversation with someone and at the end of the conversation they are thinking 'oh my god he's desperately in love with me' ... then the clover butter effect has not been reached sadly... and instead it just leaves the poor soul looking a little bit like a creep. Sadly i should point out, that i am not one to give advice on this matter... i have not managed to master the clover butter effect at all. It also should be pointed out that just going from one extreme to the other... is not mastering the clover butter effect. Saying to someone "You smell like a diarrhea sufferers toilet" and then suddenly saying "Oh good grief darling your hair is simply perfect" is not the clover butter effect... this is just odd.... one does not cancel the other out sadly in situations like this.  And, there is ofcourse the other trap, which is being painfully boring and coming out with constantly mediocre average 'i really do not give a fuck' sentences.... one of those annoying people that says 'ok' to just about everything "Want to go cinema?" "Ok" "Want to wipe my arse?" "Ok" "Want to cancel a newsnight show about Jimmy Saville?" "Ok" (does that qualify for satire? I can only hope so... if you didnt get it then dont feel too bad just maybe... uh.... read the news duuude?) 'Ok' people are not fun... have an opinion for the love of God have an opinion! Studying philosophy has put me in a interesting position as it means that people do not particularly enjoy getting in arguments with me, meaning i wont lie, i do occasionaly enjoy confusing someone so much to the extent they are left speechless and have no other words to say than 'ok'... does this make me a little bit sad... possibly... but alas. 

Anyway, yes, the clover butter effect, there it is, be slap bang in the middle. 

Although,

could you imagine how boring the world would be if the clover butter effect was infact universalized.... everybody going round being moderately nice to eachother! Oh God! How awful! "so how was that for you?" "Ok.. you?" "yep... ok for me to." There would never ever be confrontation because that people would never say anything out there! yeesh,... sounds dull huh... imagine getting on just alright with everyone.... having no one that you get on really well with... and no one that you dont get on well with... "Hell is other people" (a quote by Sartre... ha,... such a philosophy bod... does the word bod get used any more... who knows..) if the clover butter effect spread (excuse the pun) the world really would be hell! A World with no confrontation! YIKES. Imagine TV without Piers Morgan and Jeremy Clarkson,,, the lovable cunts (as opposed to the ones you just want dead) TV would be so boring without them because we'd have nothing to complain about! And wanting to complain and rant and be angered is something that really makes a human a human. Thank God for the dicks! It's true, people might not like you, but oh, every single time we're rude to you, we feel so so much better. 

So... i think thats the post pretty much... thankfully it  turned out to not be a post about butter.... i just had to wake this blog up... 2 months without a word from me... 2 months! Not the best post in the world.. but well... i feel like ive slightly forgotten how to write to be honest! Hopefully the blog is back up and running now, and when i next have to rant about the world (which, judging by how frequently this blog use to be updated, is very often), i'll be back here.

Have a good Halloween folks. Here's the scariest picture that i could find for halloween

yep, katie price.

anyway, Toodle!