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I'm still here, I'm still alive.
I'm back in therapy.
I'm harmonizing my self.
I'm finally going to find out what kind of trans person I am. Wish me luck <3
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A meditation on fear
I have a new job now. I'm in a new city. I still have a wife and a cat.
I'm still not out. I have, at least, broken through a lot of my existing shame and guilt. It's funny, because when you've put those things behind you, the thing that rules you is fear.
Fear of my wife leaving me if I transition. Fear of what people will say. Fear of staying alive. Fear of pretty much everything really.
If improv taught me anything, it's that you should follow the fear: do the thing that you are the most afraid of, because that's probably the best course of action. But the stakes are now so high.
And it's bizarre, because previously, I think I was afraid of myself: that's where the guilt and shame came from. But now, the fear is externalised pretty much everywhere else. That in and of itself is a huge improvement. Now I'm scared of other things, but it's all external.
Another fear I have: what if I never come out? What if I stay dressing up as Sophie in the shadows forever, for fear of my wife leaving me, and honestly for fear of pretty much everything else?
It's tough. It's hard. It's no cakewalk. But it is at least, better, than since I last wrote here.
It's kinda crazy, because the more I think about it, I used to be so against transitioning, or seeing myself as a trans person. But now...I do. And I'm not afraid of transitioning, at least itself (even if I am afraid of how people will react). I'm afraid of NOT transitioning. Am I wasting my one life?
So that's my meditations of fear, and where I'm at right now. Peace and love,
Sophie <3
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I'm back
I remember now why I stopped blogging. It was because someone sent me a message wishing I would die. Worst fears about being trans realised - I'm now the hated other.
So for now, this is just me that can read this. Maybe one day I'll show my face to the world again...good job troll, you made me feel like shit and hide my face.
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I'm not ready.
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🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈
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Journal Entry 04/23/2020
Things have been going well. The therapist seems to know what she is talking about - one of her kids came out as trans, so she really seems to understand the dynamics of what I’m going through.
Things have been going well at home too. I’ve had some more conversations with my wife, and actually attacked the topics head on. Although, she really did not like visiting her parents knowing I had shaved legs: she said that ‘outside the home, I get scared about people finding out’. And while I agree, and feel similarly (especially about her parents) that still makes me feel ashamed about who I am. I will not be accepted in the form I want to incorporate.
I’ve started writing erotic fiction again. I don’t know if that’s helpful or hurtful, but it’s happened regardless. One of the things that really bugs me is how easy it seems to write erotic stories versus when I try to write basically anything else. With erotic fiction, the words flow out on a tidal wave of untapped emotion and eroticism. Anything else just seems bland and stilted by comparison.
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Journal 04/16/2020
Welp, it only took quarantine and a furlough to sign up to counselling again. It really makes me think - is most of my life a distraction from gender questioning? There’s a heavy thought.
The beard cover has sat in my cupboard for a couple of days now. Will I try it on tomorrow/today (it’s late). Only time will tell.
I changed up my reddit account today. I got rid of the ‘sissy’ and ‘feminization’ descriptors in the about section. I’ve always known it was a toxic way to interact with my feminine self, but I don’t think I realised that it was actually a barrier to my transfemme enlightenment. 
One of the reasons is that it’s a sexuality that doesn’t involve my wife, which I think *should* make me guilty and ashamed. This is opposed to wanting to be and look like a girl sometimes, which *shouldn’t* make me feel guilty and ashamed. This may be incorrect, I don’t know: but I don’t feel like a true exploration of my gender can continue if I continue framing it in such fucked-up terms. 
My pansexuality is a whole other kettle of fish. Does a more female form turn me on. Hell yes. Does a more male form turn me on? ... sometimes, but only if it makes me feel more feminine. So a question I have is how can I be turned on in two distinct and separate ways, but two separate forms? Is this why people who are attracted to men are attracted to men? Is this why people who are attracted to women are attracted to women?
I can have truly awesome heterosexual sex with my wife - and in the same evening fantasise about being a girl and having sex with a male-presenting person. I just can’t even understand my own head sometimes.
We’ll see if this online counselling experiment turns out better than the last time - I can only hope.
Peace and love,
Soph
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Journal 04/15/2020
I can't sleep and I'm not sure why. I have a lot of thoughts swirling around my head so I thought it would be good to get a few of them out.
When my wife and I are watching T. V. and a trans* theme happens, there are just some things that always happen. It could be in my head, but probably not. We avoid eye contact. I feel my face heating up. Eyes are glued to the screen - we don't dare invite a conversation with each other. The trans* person on-screen is inevitably gender binary, but found themselves through, in the case of the transgirl this evening (played by a cisgender actress) 'wearing lipstick' or 'wearing panties and bras'. I can hear the unspoken questions from my wife in my head, so I stare at the screen in a valient effort to avoid them. And my brain says
Is this how it started for you?
Do you want to transition fully?
Do you want to be her?
Where will it end?
Are you gay?
Does that mean I'm gay?
And so I tense until the scene passes. Maybe she does as well - I don't know, because I was looking at the screen.
I remember being so surprised when I realised that not all boys think about being girls all the time. It seemed so obvious to me. I was transphobic for a hot second when I was younger, with this reasoning - if boys can be girls then there won't be any boys left. 🤦‍♀️
I feel a yearning. That's the only word to describe it. Like an ache, but from absence not presence. Not a pain, but a sort of starvation. Would being femme more of the time help? Would having more conversations with my wife help?
I think it says something that I'm afraid to get counselling because I'm scared that they will push me to transition. Prescribe me HRT. Recommend lifestyle changes.
And is it even the thing that I'm yearning for? I genuinely don't know. I am more than satisfied with my romantic life - I spent a great deal of time yearning for someone to love, and I found her. I love her more than anything in this world. And she loves the man she fell in love with.
And there lies the rub. Because I don't have the soul of a man. But I don't know if I have the soul of a woman either. So aside from havoc it would wreak on my life, transitioning wouldn't be an answer.
Or is that a lie that I'm telling myself. And before you know it, I'll be one of the mid-life crisis late transitioned, reading through this blog and sobbing with regrets.
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Acceptance is a strange headspace to be in. While it encompasses growth and positivity, for me it also holds a sadness to it. I think while I could deny my feminine impulses, I could paint myself into a life beyond it; a life where I was completely satisfied with a purely masculine role. Acceptance means a removal of that future, a closing, an ending. It is the sadness that I could never be that which I hoped to be, in an escape from myself.
I'm reminded of that this weekend. We had a wonderful time to night with my wife's family, laughing, joking, hanging out etc. At one point we went through pictures of our wedding. My wife looked so beautiful, and we both looked so happy. I felt a sadness that I could never be just the man that everyone saw. At the same time, I felt a happiness that the couple sitting together on the couch knew themselves more than the couple on screen.
Like I said, strange headspace.
I can't wear shorts this weekend because my legs are shaved, but I'm fine with that. Mostly. I still feel a little bit of shame, but that's not the over-riding factor: it's more that I don't want to tarnish the image my wife's family have of me. You could say that this is projection, but seeing as we live in Texas and their Republican, I doubt it 😉 I know that their image shouldn't be tarnished, but I know that it would be. And that's important.
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Achievable Beauty Standards?
One of the biggest topics on makeup and beauty is what is achievable, and what is fantasy? I’m going to say it now, and many other beauticians will agree with me.. There is no “fantasy” with makeup, everything is achievable if you put the time and effort into it. Essentially with the skills you build overtime you can create the face you want, and sculpture it to your liking. However, many people struggle at the start and need to realise this takes time. It’s not an over-night job that you can learn instantly. This applies to both cis girls and transgirls.
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What can you do with make-up?
Make your nose look smaller.
Make your forehead smaller.
Make your jaw more smaller or more feminine.
Make your cheekbones seem raised.
Highlight features of your face.
Lowlight features you wish to hide.
Make your eyes stand out a lot more, as well as having a seductive look.
If you’re just starting to transition and still have facial hair. You can hide your beard growth.
Build your confidence.
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Faces
Some girls pass even without make up. I have quite a feminine face since I transitioned very young.
I know some girls know this, but I want to make it very clear to everyone. Even if did not make the decision to transition at an early age or don’t have a baby feminine face, makeup can and will help you.
However, I will not ignore the fact and truth that teenage transgender girls have an easier time passing due to puberty and hormone levels. Sex hormones are one clear link between appearance and personality.
Testosterone and estrogen influence facial development as well as behavior.
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High testosterone shows itself in strong jawbones, darker coloring, and hollower cheekbones.
High estrogen reveals itself in round faces, smooth skin, small chins, sparse facial hair, arched eyebrows, big eyes, plump lips, and wider jawlines. - All of which I have, because I transitioned at 16.
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Gal Gadot is a perfect example of a face full of estrogen. Take note of her facial features. While she is not Transgender, Transgender Women can look like this depending on their genetics and the time they start to transition. Or.. If they are an expert in makeup ;)
We make numerous assumptions about people with high-hormone profiles that conform to gender norms: First, that they’re hot.
In a lineup, the high-estrogen Jessica Alba and Beyoncé types receive the highest attractiveness ratings by both genders.
South American girls that are not 100% native for example have strong facial features with very feminized traits, such as plump limps, wide jawlines and small chins. These traits are also extremely common in South American men as well. (Venezuelan people, Brazilian, Argentina and other countries in this area)
Their pretty faces predictably get top ratings for social dominance (high status). As for men, high-testosterone faces are especially desired by women who are ovulating, although women may have a default preference for men with a mix of masculine and feminine features; dominant and cooperative.
Facial Hair Removal For Pre-HRT. 
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First of;
If your face is red or bleeding after you shave, there’s probably too much friction between the razor and your skin. Skin moisturizer helps reduce that friction.
Follow these steps:
clean face with a facial cleanser and exfoliate to remove dead skin cells.
splash warm water on face to open pores
put gobs of a cheap skin moisturizer over your facial hair region
put shaving cream on top of that
use a clean, smooth razor (preferably one the moves back and forth with your face and bends in the middle)
shave ‘with the grain’.  the ‘grain’ isn’t always down so look carefully at your face and neck when you haven’t shaved in a few days.
splash warm water again
put gobs of a cheap skin moisturizer over your facial hair region
put shaving cream on top of that
shave ‘against the grain’
splash lots of water over your face to remove excess shaving cream and moisturizer
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Here is a detailed explanation on a transgender woman early into her transition giving extremely good advice for new transitions.
Generally you’ll use a combination of hair removal methods, but it varies from person to person as to how effective each method is. After much trial and error, my preferred methods that work for me are:
Electrolysis on face (and nasal hair trimmer or dry shave to touch up).
A few laser sessions on chest, back, neck and shoulders. Would LOVE to do more. Full body laser is appealing!!
Epilator on lower legs and knees.
Wet shave on the back of knees and lower thigh.
Wet shave or depilatory cream on forearms, wrists and backs of hands.
Dry shave under arms.
Dry shave on back, neck, chest, shoulders and down to the elbow.
Trim on upper thigh, tummy and back.
Tweezer on wrists, backs of hands, and inside of elbow.
The reasons for so many different methods, include: managing skin irritation, avoiding ingrown hairs, avoiding prickly stubble in certain sensitive spots, and getting a more thorough result.
There are some big expenses covered in this post, with laser and electrolysis treatment. If you don’t have the money, please know that the other hair removal options do work, and there are complicated ways to cover up stubble with makeup. You may also discover that surgeries are a higher priority for you, over hair removal. Every transition is an individual process.
Finally, estrogen HRT goes a long way to making the hair battle easier to fight, because it slows down body hair growth, lightens the average density of individual hairs, and reduces overall body hair volume.
Source
Laser Hair Removal
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Picture Source AND Video
The before and after photo is from Transgender YouTuber Brandy Nitti
What are the pros?
While laser hair removal doesn’t get rid of hair forever (only electrolysis is FDA-approved for permanent hair removal), it does drastically reduce hair growth—to the point that you can stop shaving altogether.
You can get it done anywhere on the body, and the machine can cover large places fast. Legs, back, underarms, bikini line, stomach, face…There is no limit to the places you can get laser hair removal.
When it comes to pain level, laser hair removal falls somewhere between shaving (painless) and waxing (holy hell that hurts). The technicians use ice to help numb the area before and after the laser treatment. It also gets progressively less painful as treatments continue and the hair becomes finer
What are the cons?
It’s a long process. A session of laser hair removal on the underarms takes less than a minute. However, it takes multiple sessions to see real results (anywhere between three and eight depending on the size of the area), and you generally have to wait six weeks between treatments.
It’s expensive. If you add up how much you spend on razors or bikini wax sessions in your lifetime, it might be worth the $200-$400 per session of laser hair removal. You can think of laser hair removal as a beauty investment.
Since the contrast between the color of the skin and the color of the pigment in the hair follicle is what allows the laser to easily pick out what to target, laser hair removal works best on fair skin with dark hair and worse on darker skin. “In patients with darker skin tones the pigment-rich skin competes with the hair follicle for the laser’s attention,“ says Charles. This doesn’t mean it’s not a possibility for darker skin types, but you’ll want to make sure the facility you go to is properly equipped. Certain lasers, like the Nd:YAG, are better at distinguishing between hair and skin on all skin types.
If done by an untrained technician, laser hair removal could leave burns or scars on the skin. Unfortunately, licensing procedures vary from state to state, and sometimes there are no requirements at all. Beware of “laser centers” and make sure to ask where your laser technician was certified to do the procedure. Even doctors who want to provide laser hair removal treatments need further training. “Laser treatment is not taught in medical school, so physicians performing laser treatments also need training and certification,” dermatologist Marina Peredo, M.D., told SELF in a previous interview.
HRT also does not affect masculinized facial hair (beard). Only laser (permanent hair reduction) and electrolysis (permanent hair removal) can change that. If your face already has minimal facial hair then transitioning early will help for the future.
Hormone-Replacement Therapy (HRT / oEstrogen / Anti-Androgen’s)
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Research has shown improvements in skin elasticity, moisture and skin thickness in women using either topical or oral hormone replacement therapy (HRT).
Taking hormone replacement therapy (HRT) can improve skin hydration by replacing oEstrogen levels in your body. Many women who take HRT often notice that their skin becomes brighter with an improved texture and tone. HRT can also reduce ageing of your skin.
Things you will notice:
Breast growth
Wider hips
Fat being distrusted to different regions of the body. (Bum, breasts, etc..)
Skin becomes clearer
Cuter face & eyes
Female Orgasms: 10x stronger than Male Orgasm. HRT may cause shrinking and reduce your erections, on the positive side is the fact that transwomen can get female orgasms. And you don’t need an erection or an ejaculation to have one either.
Thicker eyelashes
Loss of strength. Slimmer body and feminized features.
Smelling like a woman and not having a manly alpha smell.
This is just a small outline of changes you will encounter while on HRT. I will write up a full guide and text on HRT soon.
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Me and MY Beauty
In the changes I have experienced while being on HRT since 16, and am now 20 is amazing.
I am a real woman.
I have breasts, wider hips, my legs are smooth and long, my skin and face is as cute as ever, my orgasms are intense and can squirt out my juices from being pounded by a partner, I am slimmer and have lost the majority of my ‘manly’ muscles, although I had not much at all to start with, my fat is distributed into other regions such as my ass cheeks.
Everything has worked out perfect. Of course the road I have taken in life was not easy, and there were many days where I was not confident with how I was.
I have faith in everyone being able to pass, and there is other routes in life you can take if you still do not feel confident, such as FFS (Full-Facial Surgery).
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Is it achievable?
In short, after all of this. Isn’t it obvious? Of course it is possible and achievable. Everything in life takes time to master and understand how things work.
People do not get their license and become a professional driver straight away, computer coders don’t instantly start off as super-hackers, school teachers don’t straight away start off as confident and successful with their classes and explaining their work to students.
Time is everything, and practice makes perfect. This is the same for makeup and beauty.
The only ‘unrealistic’ beauty standards is the unhealthy lifestyles of becoming extremely obese to the point where it affects your health, as well as becoming overwhelmingly skinny where you are not eating right.
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Sources
https://www.quora.com/How-do-trans-women-remove-all-their-body-and-facial-hair-to-look-more-feminine
http://www.genderpsychology.org/transgender/shaving.html
http://andiepasdedeux.com/the-unexpected-effects-of-mtf-hrt/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCSoqI3nMzk https://mandatoryfeminizationx.tumblr.com
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7 Ideas to Feel Girly that You Should Try
Many of you know what it’s like.  You are expected to be a man.  You ARE a man.  At least, you’re male.  But you want to be girly.  You want to wear dresses, skirts, lingerie, heels, cute outfits, etc.  You want pretty hair, smooth skin, a softer walk and gentler mannerisms.  You also want to be accepted as your girly self, but that’s not going to happen–at least not publicly and maybe not in your lifetime.  You have family or friends, work, school, and social activities where you’d like to feel girly, but you know you must portray “man.”
That’s tough, isn’t it?  But is all lost?  I don’t think so and I want to share with you seven ideas that can help you feel girly when you must be “boy.”
Before I post, I want to give a quick nod of gratitude to the many fabulous girly boys who chimed in and shared their thoughts.  This list is a combined effort and not one i could have come up with on my own.  It’s also not an exhaustive list.  Also, I would encourage you not to try and implement everything.  Just try a few of these ideas, even if it is one at a time.
1) Smooth Out Your Image
Get smooth and fine.  I personally enjoy shaving my upper legs and trimming my lower legs.  I wish I could shave the entire bit.  I keep my chest, topside of hands, and armpits shaven and even shave the underside of my forearms.  Shave your groin too and keep the hair above that area short and groomed.  Additionally, you could try your hand at plucking eyebrows to a thin, but subtle arch.  I used to do this without any question. Just make sure you pluck eyebrows at a time when no one will see you with temporary reddish plump from the plucking.  It goes without saying that man-hair problems should be taken care of anyway.  Keep the nose trimmed and the ears plucked.  Ear hair is gross.  Other options include, but are not limited to body lotions and conditioners, bleaching what hair you keep, and being conscientious about all areas of hygiene.  Mostly, when it’s said and done, simply clean yourself up.  Your outer boy will benefit just as much as your inner girl–it just feels great and feels clean. 
2) Spoil Your Girly Self
Learn to enjoy the spa treatment.  Take scented bubble baths, do facemasks, and moisturize with girly lotions.  Paint your toenails feminine colors and use clear polish on your fingernails.  Don’t forget to clean your cuticles, having them softly tapered back.  You could also try some slight growth that you could file to a more oval shape.  Use a little foundation on your face or maybe a bit of eyeliner or eye shadow.  Try lip gloss instead of chap stick and keep it on you to use at any point during a day.  Fruity flavors and perhaps some glittery gloss can add some excitement.  If you’re feeling it, be a little more risky with some subtle mascara, blush, or lipstick.  Get a pedicure or manicure.  Get yourself some perfumes to spray on religiously.  The point is, treat your inner girl like a princess.  You she deserves it!
3) Be Girly Under There
If you want to feel girly, there may not be any better option than panties.  You can go as fem as you wish and as small as you can handle.  No one will ever see, unless you show them.  Learn to enjoy a good Tuck.  Keeping the little boy in check and his friends up and out of the way might be a bit of a pain at times, but it’s so worth it not to have a bulge.  A step up would be stockings or pantyhose.  What a rush when you opt out of socks!  And then, there is the bomb: the bra.  It’s not always going to work out as an option because of whatever kind of shirt you choose to wear.  Some other secret options are things like girly temporary tattoos, garters, feminine socks, chemises, panty liners, or maybe a choker underneath a collar and tie.
4)  Embrace Androgyny
This might be my favorite.  Girls clothes that can pass as men’s clothes.  Women’s jeans are a great go-to.  I have a few pair of womens jeans in boot cut and skinny.  There are some options that won’t work, but there are plenty of options that can.  Do your research.  Also, although women’s shorts are generally short, there are long shorts made for women.  I almost got a pair of women’s cargo shorts once.  I own a women’s swim short that passes.  Like jeans, you can find cute shirts, and unless someone can tell that the buttons are on the opposite side, you’re golden.  And alas, my absolute favorite.  I’ll admit, I’m quite stricken by women’s sneakers.  What I love about shoes is that people don’t normally look down at feet, and if they do, they’ll either not care or not pay attention.  Trust me, there is no one going around checking to see if you have on narrow shoes or to see if your shoes have pink highlights.  I’ve walked through streets, malls, shops, parks, ballparks, etc. etc. in Keds, cheer shoes, or flats without even the slightest second look (even though i kind of wished for it).  I have a whole collection of women’s sneakers and wear them frequently to various public spaces.  Never once have I been questioned for it–even in the cutest pairs.  If you wear something larger than a 12 in women’s shoes, companies like New Balance and Skechers make size 13 now and many companies are finally making 12′s as a regular.  Thank goodness!  But it’s not just tennis shoes.  There are several casual flat options that are simply narrower versions of men’s styles.  Obviously, if you’re trying to maintain a guy profile, you can’t wear heels, but you can try subtle platforms. Androgyny may not be as sexy as “all out” but it’s great to have the option.  even if it does look semi-manly, at least you know.  I could continue to write more, but I must move on.
5) Accesorize (yeah, I didn’t spell that right, oh well)
I’ve not done much with this one myself, but I can see where it would be awesome.  Rings, earrings, belly button rings, toerings, necklaces, bracelets, ankle bracelets, or watches.  I’d love to have a girl-size apple watch and band.  It’s your choice in how much you’d like to glam it up.  Purses might be an option too if it could pass as a man-bag.  What about a girlish backpack or sling? What about a semi-girlish phone case, computer bag, or a women’s wallet?  Here’s an idea!  Care to try a hair band?  Or if your hair is long enough, a scrunchie.  Another option might be ladies’ eyewear frames or sunglasses.  In cold weather, ladies gloves, scarves, or toboggans.  How about cute hats or visors?  When you’re at the beach or pool, use girlish towels.  When working out, girls’ lifting gloves.  The idea here is to add a little something girly that makes you feel special.
6) Practice Feminine Posture and Gestures
So, you want to feel girly?  Start acting like it.  Talk softer, move more gracefully, sit more precisely.  Cross your legs like a woman when you sit.  Get into a car as if you have on a dress.  Walk narrow as if on a thin line.  Limp your wrists and point your toes.  Act like you have hips.  Twirl your hair if you’ve got it.  You may not want to camp it up too much, but you can certainly improve your mannerisms subtly over time.  I definitely could use some help in this area.  I’d say that the hardest part is developing the habit.
7) Do Girly Things 
The options here are perhaps endless, but I’ll try to give a few.  I like the idea of keeping a diary and writing in girlish strokes with pink or purple pens.  Put little hearts for dots on your i’s.  Doodle flowers.  Watch chick-flicks (I know, that sounds sexist).  Window shop often.  Go to women’s shops frequently and take in every opportunity to go into those special places with your girlfriend or wife.  With your significant other, cuddle like a girl would and be tender with your kisses.  And, of course, it wouldn’t be a Gym Bunny Candie post if I didn’t say it: “Dress girly for a workout.”  Even if it is in the sanctity of your home, wear a sports bra and yoga pants, cute tops, maybe even a tennis skirt.  It’s not about having a sissy workout.  It’s about transforming your body while luxuriating in the feminine garments.  And don’t forget your girly sneakers!  LOL  One thing you could always try is early morning or late night walk or runs in your girly gear.  I live on a golf course and so I will sometimes get girly and run the course at night on the golf cart path.  It’s such a rush! There are just too many options.  I’m sure you could think of some.
Well, that’s what I have to offer, and by tomorrow, I’m sure to come up with dozens of other ideas that didn’t come out.  But I hope these ideas help you in some way to bring a little girliness into your mundane male life, that, for some logical reason, you cannot escape.
Do you have anything to add?  I’m sure it’s a good one.
Have a great girly day, girlfriends.  Love you all!
Candie (This was caption 700!)
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04/06/2020 - More lockdown
Here we are, still in lockdown. Things are progressing for me, even if the world is shut down.
I shaved my legs this morning, for the first time in absolutely forever. I have some new scars I hadn’t seen before, which were hiding under all the hair. I love how they look and feel with no hair on them though, I really have missed it. My wife, while she gave her blessing for this to happen today, has not asked and has not seen them yet. I wonder if she forgot.
I have makeup that has arrived in the post center, but I have yet to go and collect it. Once I do though, the trifecta will be complete: Clothes, Make-up and a Wig. It’s been such a long time since I dressed all the way up, and I’m strangely excited to see Sophie in all her glory again. 
Sometimes I wonder whether it’s her that has caused me all my angst and anger and sadness and shame and fear, or whether it’s my reaction to her. She’s fairly innocent in all this, despite her sexual urges that clash with my other side. How can two be contained in one? Is it truly two, or is it one split down the middle?
I’ll put up pictures of myself (or Sophie, however I processing it. Is it Sophie typing now? Am I the boy dressing up as the girl, or the girl dressing up as a boy? Is such a gender binary harmful?) once I can complete the look. I am looking forward to it.
I think whatever the one that I am is, I still haven’t found them yet.
Thank goodness for Snapchat filters, in the meantime
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I don’t feel like writing anything today
I just felt like getting dressed and being Sophie for a little bit before work. I’m gonna go have some coffee. K thx bye
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I don’t really know what to post
I just wanted to post something while feeling fem. So, here!
*writes post*
*something about acceptance here*
*something about feeling feminine and feeling like that’s okay*
*something about the road ahead*
*something about why I love the word ‘transfeminine*
//end
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Acceptance
I think I can finally accept it without it damaging me.
I like wearing dresses, heels, skirts and acting feminine.
Sometimes this makes me horny. Sometimes it doesn’t.
And that’s okay.
It’s okay to be me. 
I read a book entitled ‘sissified and loving it’, and it really helped open my eyes. I can accept that just because I wanted to be treated like a little slut in the bedroom, does not mean this has to bleed into the rest of my life. 
I told my wife. Fully, everything this time. Even the sex connection, the fact that the urge is so strong it almost uncontrollable. She seemed wary, but accepting. I bought a dress. I’m wearing it right now.
Things are getting better. I am a sissy. I am a crossdresser. I am trans*. I am me.
And that’s okay.
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It’s been awhile...
An update about my life - things have changed (for the better, mostly).
I finally got a job and it’s completely transformed how I spend my time. No longer can I spend any time either edging for hours to porn or worrying about trying to avoid porn or thinking about how sometimes I want to look like a girl. There’s no time, and I’m so tired when I come home that I don’t want to do anything like that anyway.
Today, I have a day off. And guess what? The moment I was alone, I started to think about porn, beating off, crossdressing, sissy fantasies etc. Even typing it out gives me an erection. The strength of my conditioning is insane. Three weeks of nothing, and still the link is crazy.
There were so many girls around today, and all I could do was be consumed by jealously at how good they looked in their yoga pants, with make-up or in their short skirts. It’s crazy - I didn’t want to sexually possess them, I wanted to look like them.
But the degree to which this hasn’t been a thing for months and months is crazy. It hasn’t even crossed my mind some days, which is such a relief. But as soon as I have time on my hands, the feelings creep back up. I’m also sure that the longer I ignore it completely, the more problems I’ll have.
What to do, what to do. I don’t know
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