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If only i knew i’ll go back to Tumblr months later to complain about a completely different more traumatic event... also involving an immature boy. 

We were getting a long so well, he’s so much fun and I literally enjoy every second with him, I didn’t want anything serious from him but I admit that I used to daydream about him more than I should. 

He ruined my life without realizing that he did, I don’t even know how to confront him. 

It’s so weird how the three men I ever had feelings for in my entire 25 years of existence managed to give me three unique traumas  

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23 June 2021

The day that I embarrassed myself THE MOST I wanna die 

I said Hi to a complete stranger i’ve mistaken him for someone else 

My fucking pants zipper was OPEN 

Kill me 

Bye 

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Blah

Last night and today I’ve been going through in an emotional rollercoaster. I feel like shit because I’m shit. I’m a horrible person who doesn’t care about the good people in my life but I chase the shitty people and try to please them 

I’m sure he was with her last night and god knows what they did.. and he lies to me and avoids this subject because he knows how I feel about him but he still uses me and takes me for granted. I’m not in a position where I can question where he goes and with who, but how cruel of him to just neglect me and ignore me for days while spending my own money to do this shit. And I also hate when he feels sorry for me,, I don’t want your fucking pity. Go fuck yourself you piece of shit 

I’m just tired of feeling like everyone’s last option and being literally used and stepped on just because I’m too nice. I should be a bitch to be respected. Even the ‘good’ people are not so good after all 

I sat my priorities straight this week and still got disappointed, I guess I will just stop caring about everyone except my family .. I remember when I used to do that I was actually happier cause at least they won’t use me and they will be there for me when I feel like shit. 

I am truly unsure if the problem is in me or is it in the world .. I hate playing the victim it’s not cute or adorable .. I guess these couple of weeks taught me not to have any expectations and just be selfish and focus on myself and fuck everybody else. i’m fed up 

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Hope it turns out good

Today I went to see a small lovely home, a bit far from mine. I’m planning to take it at least until the end of the ear because It will be a lonely and boring summer, I’d rather have a place to be depressed at than being depressed in my room around mom. 

Mom... I love her but she’s causing me a lot of pain, she’s extremely controlling and sometimes I feel like she doesn’t like to see me happy. I tried to put an end to this toxic relationship but we got in a big fight and she didn’t talk to me for three days, today she was okay again which made me feel better. 

So i’m sitting alone in a cafe, pretending to work while waiting for someone to go out with me, seems like everyone is having fun without me :) how pathetic. I dolled up in hopes to see him and notice how good my ass looks in this skirt, but he canceled me. Listening to cigarettes after sex, it triggers me because it reminds me of when I was in bed with him and they were playing in the background... kinda miss those days. Ew i sound like a stupid teenager.

What am I going to do in my new future ‘space’/’studio’ in the future? I will cook, put music out loud, drink, dance, maybe have a few friends coming over, I really hope I won’t regret it specially financially .. I’m excited. For the past three days, I’ve been having some serious sexual fantasies of him, maybe I’ll do him too in my new apartment! 

I’ll go to a farm with some friends on Saturday, my body dysmorphia is at its peak, I keep telling myself fuck it but it’s not that easy, at least they’re all girls. 

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Stressful Boring Day

I woke up, had coffee, took a shower, got dressed and went to shoot some videos for a client. That took 4.5 hours and therefore, I got caught up with work.

I don’t know shit about photography and I think I should improve my skills if I want to stay in this field. 

Went back home, worked a little, ate a snake and smoked two cigarettes then took a nap. 

Woke up, ate again, coffee, watched TV with family, then went back to my room to watch some tiktoks... and then, my day was ruined. 

He said he was sad, depressed and disappointed of himself over something happened with his ex. I got mad a bit but tried to keep the conversation going, and asked him why, what happened. He refused to tell me, then I told him I won’t judge, and for some reason got mad at me... 

I knew that he would never open up to me, maybe he just told me that so he won’t be the only one who’s sad. 

He can’t get over her, he doesn’t want to. I feel like I’m an accessory or a toy. 

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Feelings...

Someday I will be an artist :) 

For some reason, I don’t know how to answer him properly. He thinks so little of me, that I’m weak, and easily manipulated, and by not standing up for myself when he tells me that, I’m proving his point. But he’s my weakness... 

Lately I have been mixed feelings about him, I guess I’m just bored, he’s not all that great as my imagination convinced me .. haven’t got butterflies in a while, but I still crave his touch and melt at his smile. 

He’s manipulative, he knows that he’s using me, I could never tell how he feels about me truly, sometimes I catch a bit of “sorry” feelings, sometimes he gets touchy and flirty. 

I know I deserve better though. 

I have been struggling with my nicotine addiction for a year. I really should stop. I don’t want to die soon, or get lungs cancer. I want a magical solution cause I don’t have the willpower, or that’s what my fucked up brain is trying to convince me ... and telling myself that “I can do it’ and other shit that those motivational speakers are convincing us about is definitely not. going. to. work. 

As we’re approaching May, I thought I would be halfway through by now, but I haven’t even started. I must quit before June. 

Also, I know I’m not an alcoholic (yet), but that’s also something to look out for knowing my extremely addictive personality. I’m too young to be worried about this. Sometimes I think that when I get older, I will regret how I lived my 20′s.. I should be enjoying my life, partying, kissing random boys, making boys obsess with me, or even having a loving caring boyfriend, but instead, I’m a chain-smoker-alcoholic with a broken hear and self confidence issues. 

I want to be better. I know I want it so badly, no idea where to start, but someday, hopefully soon, I will be happier.

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14 April 2021  

#artist #heartbreak #love #feelings #smoking #alcohol #happiness #getting better #life #life is hard #random thoughts

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New decision

People barely use this app nowadays, but I still consider it as my safe space. 

It’s been on my mind to write my diary here for a while, and I will start today as a mental health practice, rather than getting likes or wanting people to see it. 

This blog is the only thing that I have successfully kept hidden from people for years. I have some bad memories from Tumblr, but I’ll give it another shot 

#tumblr diary #diary

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This is just straight up weird for an aesthetic

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me when someone asks what’s wrong with me: are u ready

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“A human being does not die at once…”