speakinggarbage

[speakinggarbage]

there is something wrong with me because he is saying all these nice things to me and it’s making me not want to talk to him LMFAOO

#like i don’t know how to respond #i’m just like .. okay i get it thank u we can move on now #better yet i think i like you less bc you know me better now #what mental illness is this

[speakinggarbage]

lol so funny that i’ve finally gotten tired of certain friends treating me like a second choice all the time and using me to always trauma dump but never listening to me when i’m going through something and need someone and how i always listen to them ramble about their interests and try to get involved in it too bc they love it but they can’t go longer than 2 seconds listening to me talk about anything i’m excited about so i just . stop. i match their energy and leave it at that. and spend more time with friends who actually listen and appreciate me and reciprocate friendship so it doesn’t feel like i’m the one who is ALWAYS putting in more effort. but now those friends are like “is something wrong between us?” like oh ? when i treat you the way you treat me you think that’s wrong? interesting. also the way that’s what gets their attention after a MONTH of this like LMAO

also i do recognize that this is a bit petty but i’m tired. i’m tired of being the one who always listens and supports and is understanding. i always understand and i don’t want to anymore. i’m tired of reading long messages and replying with long messages about things they’re excited for or about their day or something they’re going through, only to get one word responses when it’s about me. i’m tired of my messages being ignored. i’m tired of being talked over. i’m tired of constantly feeling bad about myself. at this point, if you’re not going to match my energy or reciprocate the most basic qualities of friendship then i’m gonna do the same. i’m tired of constantly feeling like my heart is breaking or that no one cares enough about me or like i’m the only one putting in any effort into our friendship

#and if i was better at communicating i would find a nice way to say all this #but alas #i used to be so desperate for friendship that i would accept anything #and now all i feel is tired #whatever #also the way yesterday i talked with my friend about their spotify wrapped for like ten minutes bc i knew they were excited about it #and then i casually brought mine up bc i thought we would talk about it next yk NATURALLY #but they just liked my message and never asked about it at all and ended the conversation there lol #and this is so dumb but that hurt my feelings lol #like idc about spotify wrapped but just … the way i felt so used and ignored #like i’m just a little audience for you but not an active friend that you care about #idk lmao i just thought that was so weird and inconsiderate #but tonight me and my three friends all shared our wrapped’s and that was sweet :’) #being around friends who care is weird but so endearing #i’m lucky to have them #negative

[speakinggarbage]

UGHUGHUGH UGH I FEEL SO SICK TO MY STOMACH. i’m so tired of always feeling anxious about every single little thing. and i hate that i just hide all my pain all the time. i’m always trying to be okay but like ??? why can’t i just be honest. why can’t i just say how i feel and ask for help

#bc then i would cry #and i hate crying in front of others LMAO #idk man life has been so fucking hard this year #and i just feel so lost #negative

[speakinggarbage]

i’ve spent all summer not feeling like myself and going a little crazy. i start books but can never seem to make it to the last page. so instead i decide to find a new show to watch except nothing sounds good, nothing sounds like something i wanna watch right now because i don’t know what mood i’m in. so instead of a show i decide to put on a movie and convince myself that’s better because movies are shorter so i have a better chance of finishing it. but then i make it halfway through the movie and i suddenly lose interest. i spent an hour trying to find this movie but i try not to dwell on that fact. so okay i’ll just listen to music instead but then i realize i’ve been listening to the same playlist for weeks and have no new music and nothing sounds right and then i realize i actually hate all my playlists and get overwhelmed so i decide no music today. i then switch between the same three social media apps all day until i hate myself for not doing anything and this cycle repeats itself a million times a day and i feel like i’m dying a little bit inside everyday and i don’t know how to not feel like this anymore

#yeah yeah yeah for someone who likes consuming media i think i’m really bad at it #i just want to lose myself in a book again #or find a new show to watch #like i just want to enjoy things again #everything sucks rn and i can’t even have this part of my life that i used to enjoy #negative #me dissociating

[speakinggarbage]

i actually feel so sick bc how do people make friends and how do they keep them. i always feel like the third wheel around all my friends and even with my closest internet friends i feel like i’m expendable, the one that they only talk to when the others aren’t online. i just want friends who choose me and who think of me first and i’m so tired of always feeling alone and like i don’t belong and like no one gives a fuck about me

#idk i feel like this a lot actually #i’m so sick of this #hahahaha can a friend group pls adopt me #or maybe not bc maybe i’m just too much #and that’s why all my friendships seem to fall apart #negative

[speakinggarbage]

i just don’t feel good enough

#not good enough to be anyone’s first choice #not good enough to make friends #not good enough to ever be loved #yeah idk where this is coming from but #negative

[speakinggarbage]

i’m going to a boygenius concert with a girl who has a crush on me and yet i am still hung up on the same person i’ve had a crush on for nearly six years now what the fuck is wrong with me

#this girl BOUGHT boygenius halloween concert tickets for us to go together #and i’m here like 🥺 that’s so sweet #but i cant stop thinking about robin and how i wish it was him always #i wish i could not feel this way anymore #it makes me so angry to feel this way about him i hate it #and this girl isn’t perfect for me ik but she does do stuff like this a lot for me and can be sweet and #why can’t i just like her instead #why is it always robin why why why #uh crush tag

[speakinggarbage]

oh boy the anxiety never ends!!! but neither does the love. i’m so grateful for my best friend and him endlessly listening to all my anxiety rants and everything going on in my head.

#yeah i still feel anxious but #it’s nice to have a friend who will always listen #a friend who knows everything about me #i’m lucky and i don’t want to forget this feeling

[speakinggarbage]

so one of my closest friends who i talk to everyday just told me they’re in love with the same person i’ve been in love with for YEARS

#oh fuck me #hahahahaha #i didn’t say ive been in love with them either #because it’s just too weird???? #idk #but i feel so so sad rn #negative #uh crush tag

[speakinggarbage]

i really don’t have a single friend

#negative #sad but true #i don’t even have my online friends anymore #i somehow distanced myself from every single person and relationship

[speakinggarbage]

been mourning my dad my whole life and today he actually passed away. this is such. a weird feeling

#loss #negative #mourning #grieving

[speakinggarbage]

it’s my birthday and usually i despise my birthday but this year? idk for some reason it’s been really nice. like all my friends and family have set a day to spend with me. like on my birthday eve i spent it with this girl and we watched the lunar eclipse together and went to the beach and she gave me all these cute presents. and tomorrow my sister/nephews wanna see me to give me a present and i’m having lunch with my grandma and maybe going to the movies later? then saturday i’m having a small dinner at my other sister’s place and we’re gonna play card games. AND then sunday some other family wants to come over. and my friend is coming down on tuesday to have a bday dinner with me :( and my coworkers all got me presents too :( WTF LIKE WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE ALL THIS???? NO BIRTHDAY HAS EVER BEEN THIS WAY BEFORE

idk i just feel very present or awake for my birthday for the first time in a very long time and i’m happy about it

#maybe this is what happens when you let people in and build relationships #whoa crazy #anyways first year in a long time that i don’t hate my birthday or feel depressed #like i’m BUZZING #i just feel so loved? #and in a way i haven’t felt in a very long time #hm

[speakinggarbage]

also was kinda anxious this weekend but me and my crush talked for like half an hour and it made me feel so much better :( I was gonna tell them that but I chickened out LMAO

#I just thought it’d be weird or smth #idk #i like talking to them tho! #it always makes me feel better #even if just for a little bit #uh crush tag

[speakinggarbage]

I want to feel like myself again

#when will this happen #me dissociating #negative

[speakinggarbage]

lmao so funny how every time I talk to this girl it’s always the worst interaction ever and I leave it feeling bad or anxious. and today I was SUPER anxious and sad and ready to isolate myself (because of her) but instead I messaged my crush and we just joked about dumb stuff and it made me so calm and happy. HMM SO FUNNY

#it’s the same girl I’ve been talking about on here since last year lmao #i’m over her #like really i’m done #i’m starting to finally see how manipulative and lowkey abusive she can be towards me #and she makes me feel bad and guilty and like a bitch for standing up for myself so i just let her do/say whatever #and HELLO?? #that’s not okay!!! #i’m seriously done with her #i won’t be mean or ignore her but i am gonna put some distance between us and just set up some boundaries #the way she treats me isn’t okay and i have to learn that it’s okay to stick up for myself and not just take it #ANYWAYS #there’s so much shit that she’s done lately that I wanna write out here but #i’m too tired rn #maybe tomorrow #it does help to write it out on here so i’m gonna bc i keep thinking about it and i have to let go and move on now #ALSO MY CRUSH IS SO FUNNY #IM HAPPY I TALK TO THEM MORE

[speakinggarbage]

so ever since I got my crush's discord we've been talking everyday and they're the one that will always start the conversation,, and I don't wanna read too much into this because I think they just want to be closer as friends and they really need someone rn ,,,,,,,,,,, BUT they also send me song links and tiktoks and that shit is so cute ;( like I know they probably don't like me but sometimes I think maybe they do??? I've always gotten a vibe that they like me but IDK !! I HATE THIS DJSH AND WE LIVE SO FAR AWAY FROM EACH OTHER SO I CAN'T EVEN SEE THEM IRL SOBS and that's another reason why I don't wanna tell them I like them because then what??? we live two thousand miles away from each other are we just gonna date long distance and then MAYBE see each other once or twice a year? until what? we break up or one of us moves?? it's pointless and the thought of losing them (even before anything has happened between us) is already too painful

#and yet I still like them and would do that LMAO #god i hate having this crush #i've liked them for YEARS and i'm sick of it #and i like them SO MUCH #LIKE ??? #the way i feel about them is so encompassing #and embarrassing #it's not just a casual crush #and i thought it would go away after a while #but fuck me #i would be so lucky to get to date them #and that just won't happen for me #anways #uh crush tag

[speakinggarbage]

even though I’ve been talking to my crush more lately I think I’m being (or already am) friend zoned LMAO like they said “you’re a good friend bro 🥺 and you’ve always got me” like the first half makes me feel like $:&:$/“/@:$ ah FRIEND yes! I’m a GOOD FRIEND! HAHAHA :) but the second half?? makes my heart ache holy

#don’t get me started on the bro #they can call me bro and friend but (romantically) #i want to be a good friend to them #and i want to be there for them #but also just seeing the word friend aha that hurted #like friends to lovers ???? superior trope !! #and their favorite 🥵 #but seriously i don’t mind being a friend to them because i think the best relationships are also friendships #and i want to be there for them because i know it’s been so hard for them #but also hi i care about you so much #and i don’t want you to only think of me as a friend #half good half bad yeah #uh crush tag