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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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WTF -Cosby is out
This is exactly WHY I have so much trouble keeping my energy going.
Does anyone have any idea how much it took  to get Cosby on 1 RAPE,  and we had to accept that for all the women he raped.  
WHERE IS THE RAGE for all the women’s lives he destroyed?
WHERE IS THE RAGE in ALL WOMEN needed to take the patriarchy down?
Every night in every city a woman dies in the name of the patriarchy.
It’s not considered in the homicide numbers bc it’s term domestic ie. boyfriend, husband, ex or pimp.   If not from his bare hands then from chronic demoralization into drug addiction/suicide.  
It is so common, the women are consider less than human, ie. sex workers so it doesn’t even make the news anymore.
I can tell you of so many #LAVENDER sisters that have committed suicide after losing their case.  
It traumatized us and then blames us for not just taking it.
It give us PTSD and no path to justice 
BUT if my dog bites a neighbor they can get pain and suffering damages.
But if my car hits another’s …..  yeah – personal injury lawyers.
THIS OUR RAPE CULTURE and it kills women.
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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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PERSONAL -  they see themselves as the problem
PERVASIVE - all aspects of their life are effected by the problem
PERMANENT - the problem can not be fixed
NO CONNECTION - don’t connect cause with outcome
WHY WOMEN STAY IN VIOLENT RELATIONSHIPS
LOVE - mistaken concepts of love given to her by her family and religion.
CULTURAL REASONS - again, mistaken concepts of love given to her by her family and religion.
NOWHERE ELSE TO GO - Shelter space is limited.  Family & friends are part of the problem.  Finances is a huge barrier.  Society can give about 1 month of help, but after that she really needs 2 years to fully recover. 
LEARNED HELPLESSNESS- She “learns” to become helpless and feels that she has no control over the circumstances of her life, bc the abuser has always sabotaged any and all of her successes.  Staying in the helpless position prevents violence. 
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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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Spaces for Trauma Survivors
I currently run two. 
The first one is a forum that you can click for here. 
The second is a discord. I will not post the discord link publicly, so you will need to message me on my main @aprilthegayqueen for that one. This is to keep the space safe and secure!
There are separate trauma sections on either so you don’t have to talk about trauma. It is an option, but a lot of people choose to talk in general chat and avoid trauma talk some days! 
Overall, the communities have been created to support each other, have a safe space to talk, and make friends. 
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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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Emotional labor is often invisible to men because a lot of it happens out of their sight. 
Emotional labor is when my friends and I carefully coordinate to make sure that nobody who’s invited to the party has drama with anyone else at the party, and then everyone comes and has a great time and has no idea how much thought went into it.
Emotional labor is when I have to cope, again, with the distress I feel at having to clean myself in a dirty bathroom or cook my food in a dirty kitchen because my male roommate didn’t think it was important to clean up his messes.
Emotional labor is having to start the 100th conversation with my male roommate about how I need my living space to be cleaner. 
Emotional labor is reminding my male roommate the next day that he agreed to clean up his mess but still hasn’t. 
Emotional labor is reassuring him that it’s okay, I’m not mad, I understand that he’s had a very busy stressful week. 
Keep reading
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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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The Dark Triad… sounds like a villain on Charmed? 
Something that would destroy Sunnydale and stress Buffy? 
A threat that only Captain America or the X-Men could thwart? 
All compelling options, yet perhaps it is something much worse. Potentially, it’s a personality structure of people that we have, or worse, are currently, dating.
Before reviewing how the Dark Triad personality structure influences romantic partner communication, let’s first describe what this personality profile encompasses. 
At the core, it describes a personality structure consisting of narcissism, and Machiavellianism.
a narcissist displays “grandiosity, entitlement, dominance, and superiority”; a is a person with “high impulsivity and thrill-seeking along with low empathy and anxiety” ; lastly, a Machiavellian “in short, [is] the manipulative personality”.
This personality structure influences communication and courtship behaviors. 
For example, individuals reporting higher levels of the Dark Triad reported a strong preference for short-term relationships and, similarly, higher numbers of sexual partners.
 Interestingly, research demonstrates that such individuals also report commitment avoidance but, interestingly, are actively able to steal mates and be taken from mates.
The Dark Triad relates to conflict communication. 
In our study of romantic partner communication, we found that individuals reporting higher levels of the Dark Triad structure also reported that the nature of their partner conflict was hostile and intense. 
Partially explaining the hostile and intense nature of their conflict was our other finding that, in general, Dark Triad personalities reported higher levels of contempt, criticism, stonewalling and defensiveness.
The aforementioned messages are known as the Four Horsemen and directly related to divorce.
Finally, we found, overall, that Dark Triad individuals reported higher levels of romantic partner conflict.
Our communication is both dependent upon and reflective of our psychological structures. Findings relevant to the Dark Triad, such as the ones presented above, further illustrate the connections among psychology and communication. 
Thus, this entry further underscores how complicated dating and mating can be.
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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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I understand that we naturally strive to find connections when meeting new people. We are curious to learn how we all came to be in the same space for the same event and share similar interests. I do it myself—I find it helpful at conferences and other large gatherings where there are more new people than my brain can rightfully parse. I get it. Association is a learning technique.
Yes, we’ve all been someone’s sixth degree of separation, but this is different. It runs deeper. This is a systemic worldview. 
Or, un-view. A denial of individuality. Consider this: When you’ve been introduced to a man, has the person making the introduction ever revealed—in that moment, in his presence—who the man used to be sexually involved with? 
Or emphasized his wife’s profession instead of his own? 
Or imparted his sister’s position on the board of a given firm? 
I have not seen this, but it routinely happens when I am introduced to women. So often that, though we might exchange a glance, we dismiss it as acceptable.
Recently remarried, I am continually reminded how frequently such erasure happens in traditionally binary marital partnerships. 
People regularly address my husband instead of me—both in my absence and my presence (i.e., they respond to him when I ask a question, ask his permission to hug or otherwise greet me, apologize to him after offending me, etc.). 
Most cab drivers acknowledge only him—even when I’m the one who gives directions or pays the fare. At restaurants, hosts greet him first—even when it’s my name on the reservation, and wait staff offer him the tasting wine—even when I’ve placed the wine order (and despite his glass of whiskey). It is a constant invisibility.
Often one of us will make a comment or otherwise call it out, but honestly, I tire of needing to do so.
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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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Anger is meant to be listened to. 
Anger is a voice, a shout, a plea, a demand. 
Anger is meant to be respected. 
Why? 
Because anger is a map.
 Anger shows us what our boundaries are. 
Anger shows us where we want to go. It lets us see where we’ve been and lets us know when we haven’t liked it. 
Anger points the way, not just the finger.
Anger is meant to be acted upon.
It is not meant to be acted out. 
Anger points the direction. 
We are meant to use anger as fuel to take the actions we need to move where our anger points us. 
With a little thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending us.
— Julia Cameron, Inspirations: Meditations from the Artist’s Way   
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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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People talk a lot about unconditional love and I just want to make sure you all know that unconditional love does not mean you need to keep relationships, friendships or anyone around that isn’t good for you. It does not mean tolerating abuse, toxic relationships, or someone that hurts you in any way. You are not a “liar” if you need to walk away from someone you love. It does not mean that your love wasn’t real. 
Please take care of you and remember that unconditional love does not mean someone has a free for all to treat you however they want. 
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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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I’m compiling a list of resources on my Reddit community.
Please feel free to suggest others for me to add!
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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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No one gets to tell you how you should feel about your trauma. Your feelings are valid. I promise.
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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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in case no one’s told you yet, you feel exhausted and hungover and sometimes even sick after panic attacks/meltdowns/flashbacks/dissociative episodes/etc. because of very real chemical processes that are involved in your nervous system activation and de-activation during those times. it’s chemical dump effects, and no, you SHOULDN’T be able to just brush it off and feel and act normal. you’ve got a bunch of physical things that got activated and that all has to wind down. It’s not in your head, it’s very physical, and you need to work WITH your body during the after-periods instead of trying to curb stomp it. be gentle to yourself, okay?
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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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Repost @breakingdowncptsd ・・・ Hey Brave Survivor, Last week, we named what emotional dysregulation feels like, that emotional pendulum swinging between extremes. We talked about how, without an understanding of trauma, we often feel deeply ashamed of these extremes and isolated in our experiences. We talked about how, without the skills and language to navigate these extremes, we cope in whatever way we can, which often increases our shame and isolation. By naming these things together, hopefully, we realized we aren’t alone in feeling this way. This week, my hope is to bring a compassionate perspective to emotional dysregulation, as a symptom of complex PTSD. These perspective shifts have been key aspects of my recovery journey, because it’s hard to make changes under the weight of constant shame and criticism. In this way, I began to see my behaviors as responses to past traumas not as personal failures. In this way, I began rewriting my internal dialogue from “I’m so broken. What’s wrong with me?” to “I’m experiencing a trauma response. How can I help myself through it?” This week, we are looking at emotional dysregulation through the lens of trauma so we can begin to understand our responses instead of shame them. Self compassion, Brave Survivor, self compassion. Have you considered emotional dysregulation as a symptom of complex trauma? How would approaching emotional dysregulation with compassion instead of shame improve your healing? 💛Sara
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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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You are not obligated to forgive someone. Even if they apologize and mean it. Even if there’s a genuine explanation for their actions. Even if they’ve genuinely changed.
You can forgive someone if that’s what feels right to you but please don’t ever let someone else tell you that’s what you need to do. If you forgive someone, please do it because that’s what you want and/or need and not because society pushed on you that “forgiveness is how you heal”.
Your healing is about you.
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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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Holy shit, so VERY glad I didn't end up using the burner phone I bought to call the Kentucky AG's office about the trafficking ring I survived as a kid. The current AG (Daniel Cameron) is a stooge for McConnell & Trump. Hearing that 45 raped kids in Kentucky in the 80's would have gone over SO very well 😱
There's a reason we don't report when we get out of human trafficking
I really wish there was a better way to hold those who participate in trafficking accountable
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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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Also, completely forgot to mention I made a private Twitter that's linked to this. The handle is @Listen2Ghost if anyone from here wants to follow over there. It's mostly just a venting account, but if you follow here you shouldn't have a problem with the content.
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speakingtoaghost · a year ago
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Working full time has been an adjustment.  It’s a good adjustment, but it means that my trauma responses and chronic pain have to be managed differently.  I’ve started doing more flexibility stretching and using CBD oil to help with this.
Having the ex mostly out of my life has been extremely helpful.  I was so very triggered by his presence that I literally couldn’t relax.  Now I’m able to have several days with no pain which is...amazing.
Watching all that’s happening in the Ghislaine Maxwell case is going to be eye-opening for so many people.  I don’t think folks realize how insidious human trafficking is, but they’re going to when this case unfurls.  It’s affected me, and so many others, in ways most wouldn’t be able to imagine.  The irony, of course, is that those of us who have survived can do nothing to those who used us without proof.  How the hell do you get proof when you’re a kid being sold to a sex trafficking ring?  So...we educate others on what to look for and how to identify when human trafficking is happening.  Because it’s always happening.  And it will keep happening until communities put a stop to it.
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speakingtoaghost · 2 years ago
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It’s been a bit, and I really need to start using this blog again. So...
Big realizations over the last few months.  The one where I was basically in voluntary social isolation as a kid cuz my mom chose to tell me I had imagined the human trafficking ring I was sold to so my dad who can be fragile and has been to inpatient mental health several times wouldn’t have to deal with it.  I mean...who the fuck does that to a ten year old?!?
The one where I acknowledged that marrying my kids’ dad was legit the worst mistake I ever made.  And that includes the horrible POS I dated at 18 because I hadn’t died yet.  Current countdown on how long the kids’ dad legally has to be in my life - 6 years, 8 months, & 30 days.  Like I said...Worst. Mistake.
I made a Twitter vent account and I’mma see if I can link these two things together so all the trauma vomit is together.  Twitter account is @Listen2Ghost if anyone wants to follow those shenanigans.
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