storiesandfragments
Stories & Fragments
Hi, I just wanted a place to post my writing & share it with people. I don't usually write complete stories rather I write fragments of pieces sitting in my mind & in my drafts. I hope you enjoy my work in its many forms. Note: All work is written by me D, please don't take my work as your own aka don't plagiarize.
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Overly Confident
I set up my morning calendar filling it with Lupe’s itinerary. Her coffee sat at her desk waiting for her to come back from an early meeting with the design team. The night before lingered inside me. The way I left things off with Estrella made Ruby leave me several messages before work. I barely glanced at any of them. The two amigas surely had another plan on the horizon to get me to speak.
“Natti.”
Lupe strode in from her meeting wearing a green two piece power suit, her hair in braids. Long emerald earrings hung on her ears accentuating her face and leaving no room to misinterpret her happiness.
“Yes.”
She walked past me to her office.
“Nothing, just set up a follow up with the design team and make sure the author of our next book sends in their sample chapters.”
“Will do.”
She gave me a sly smile as she locked herself in her office. From the open window I saw her pick up her coffee. The over crowded trip to Starbucks suddenly felt worth it if I could keep her in high spirits.
After work I finally took a look at my own inbox. Fourteen missed calls from Ruby and one from Estrella. I dialed Ruby back. Overly confident with the work day I forgot about the wedding fiasco.
“You finally pick up.”
“I had work.”
“Well now you’re going to have drinks. I’ll send you the address. No excuses Natti.”
“I didn’t have any.”
With my optimism still strong I mistakenly went to the downtown bar we claimed as our chisme corner.
Ruby and Estrella sat around our usual table near the window at the back of the bar. Both of them had drinks in hand. Ruby waved me over. I put my finger up to ask for time. She gave me a stern look then began to chat with Estrella, who seemed to avoid eye contact with me.
I hit the bar, the bartender, Enrique, set my usual on the counter without asking.
“A Mexican Bee Sting gonna hold you today?”
“Hope so.”
“Well, I made it extra strong. So, you’ll at least forget the night if you’re not too careful.”
“Wow, you know exactly what I need, huh?”
“Eh, I guessed. Pero let me know if you need anything else, ok?”
I nodded. Enrique’s eyebrows went up and down in a final flirty attempt. A gave him a light laugh. He went back to his work. I took a swing of my drink and made my way to the first round of my trial.
“What you get?” Ruby asked.
“The usual.”
“Ay, Natti.”
“What didn’t you two do the same?”
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No Plus One
Ruby had sent out her wedding invites right after Estrella told her I’d been seeing someone behind her back. Her displeasure showed in her penmanship. The invite I got in the mail had red pen marks and a note attached to the back.
Dear Natti,
I’m letting you know now you are not allowed to come alone. Not anymore. I know you have some excuse lined up but let me remind you it’s my day and nothing matters more than what the bride wants.
P.S.
I’m upset you didn’t tell me first. Also mail is more threatening than a text message.
I let the invite sit on my coffee table. I stared blankly at the ceiling for what felt like an eternity. Without giving another thought I picked up the invite and marked the RSVP and plus one check box.
“Kill me now.”
The urge to scream came to me but the best I could do was shove my face into my couch cushion and let out a half ass screech. Despite the threat of a piece of mail I knew Ruby would send a text too. The sound of her typing away demanding to meet my mystery man drove my head in. Adrian, the guy I had been seeing recently, broke up with me less than three months ago. The relationship left me numb and the worst part was his bounce back. She was pretty, blonde, put together and an editor for a publishing company where I had been denied countless times. My only solace in it all was how bad he was in bed.
My phone buzzed. I let it go. It buzzed again. Reluctantly I glanced at the screen hoping Ruby’s name wouldn’t be there. To my surprise it wasn’t.
“Hello.”
“Natti, I’m sorry.”
Estrella’s voice boomed on the other side.
“You sure you’re sorry?”
“Yes.”
“Ok. I believe you.”
The room fell silent for a brief moment. I could feel Estrella breathing on the other line waiting to say something else.
“Are you ok?”
“Yes… Well, I’m just curious. You haven’t said anything about-”
“Are we starting this now?”
The words came out harsher than I meant them to.
“So you’re angry. I get it. I’ll apologize again.”
“There’s no need. I’ll get over it.”
Another moment of silence went by. Estrella was the first to speak, her apology tour taking up the conversation. I had half the mind to hang up and deal with the fall out some other time. Then suddenly the other half remembered Estrella had found out about my relationship somehow.
“I’m sorry. Truly I’m-”
“How did you know?”
“What?”
“How did you find out about it, my mystery guy I mean?”
Estrella cleared her throat.
“Mark said he saw you out with someone, so I-”
“Mark, god damn it. You two are really made for each other.”
“You're mad at him too now?”
“No. What’s done is done.”
“Natti, I was just… I was just upset you didn’t tell me. Ruby is the same.”
“I know. Listen, I'm gonna hang up ok.”
“WAIT. Can we meet him?”
The question punched me in the gut. The memories of Adrian came running back now with Mark looming somewhere in the corner.
“There’s no him we broke up. I’ll talk to you later, bye.”
I heard Estrella mumbling, telling me to hold on. I hung up anyway. Her string of apologies made me look at Ruby’s wedding invitation again. With a deep breath I turned my phone off and took myself to bed early.
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Jealousy is brewing
I ran into him by mistake. The handsome shaggy haired boy from college. He grew a little bit taller to my disbelief, his face looked sharper and the age of his skin felt like a lie. My reflection caught in his eyes, but he played it off. The cool guy thing about him never went away.
I thought a smile would erupt from the corner of my mouth. However, something grew in the pit of my stomach I couldn’t explain.
“What are you thinking about?”
I looked up at Daniel in his lean god like glory. The darkness of his hair created a perfect shadow hiding his true expression underneath the smalls of his eyes.
“Nothing.”
He sat down beside me hovering over my journal. I put my forearm on top of my scribbled memories. He laughed lightly.
“Must be something for you to hide.”
“I could say the same of you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know.”
He shook his head in amusement. While Tae ran about in my mind Daniel’s presence made my neck tighten.
“Were you waiting for me to order?”
I shook my head. He glanced at me incredulously. The dark brown of his eyes tried to dig into me.
“Then?”
“Then… are you going to get something?”
“Yes, I think so. Isn’t that the rule or something?”
I heard the reverb in his words. I felt the sound waves hit my chest aching to pull at this new string Daniel found within me.
“I guess that was my mistake.”
The tension in his brow bone smoothed over after a few seconds. Whatever he wanted from me wasn’t worth losing a moment of peace.
“I’m gonna order a black coffee. Seems like a latte with extra sugar is still your go to huh?”
“Not even close.”
A light laugh escaped his lips.
“I'll Be right back.”
“Ok.”
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The Glowing Man
I had no expectations when I saw him. However, the loss for words doesn’t describe the effect our meeting had.
The rush of wind tugged on my hair and covered my eyes. I felt the ground shake for a moment. The pulse of the earth hit my feet. I felt my fingers twitch then I heard him.
“Hello, nice to meet you.”
The words break the world around me until my eyes can see him. He smiles, his body wrapped in a glowing light.
“Hi…”
The surprise sweeps me off up. A whisk of water comes from somewhere in the distance and flies between us. A soft laugh escapes his lips. I feel at peace with the end of life.
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Afraid of the end
“He’s going to kill me, you know.”
“What?”
“He’s going to kill me.”
“What do you mean? Why would you think that?”
“Just a feeling. Well, more like it’s the truth.”
“But he’s so nice and caring to you.”
“For convenience. He doesn’t mean it like you think he does.”
“I’m not understanding.”
“He’s waiting for it, so for now he comforts me enough to keep me safe. There’s no love, just patience.”
“Has he said anything about this? Are you feeling ok?”
“Never better.”
I sat in front of her watching her eyes look down at her coffee cup. A smirk comes across her face then quickly disappears.
“Is something bothering you?”
She shakes her head. Adan walks back from the counter, his long black jacket flowing around his knees, the edge of his turtle neck suffocating his throat and his hair brushing against the corner of his eyes. I feel the gasp in my body, a tingle of fear miz with admiration.
“How is it?” he asked.
“Warm.”
Adan laughs and pats her head. The doubt creeps in for a moment.
How can she see him as her end?
The thought puzzled me. Adan took a seat next to her as she took another sip.
“Are you staying here long?” he asked.
“I’m not sure. I’m waiting for things to mellow.”
He smiles.
“That may never happen.”
The words hit my chest before my ears. Fear came with them soon after.
“You don’t rosey shit up do you?”
“No, he only says what he thinks.”
“An expert.”
“As much as anyone could be.”
Adan looked at her with his thumb against his lip. His eyes traced her for a few seconds but it felt like years. Watching the two of them in near silence echoed her words so loudly in my brain.
He’s going to kill me.
“Not a cat and mouse game.”
Adan shook his head.
“No. Not at all.”
***
I lost my breath before I could even shout. Death kissed me out of nowhere and its face glistened in the gloomy sky. What my grandma had promised, what my mom had promised left me with no way out.
“Should I thank you or judge you?”
Adan shrugged.
“What is there to judge or thank? A promise is a promise. Someone had to fulfill it.”
His lips came at me once again.
“Was it mercy? Did you care for me just a little?”
He shook his head, his eyes locked with mine.
“I don’t know mercy, so why would you?”
“Why me?”
Adan laughs lightly.
“The line ends with you. No one comes after, so you can’t promise me what the others have. It’s why you’re special.”
I felt the flames behind those words. The disappointment of a history of lies and blood with no love.
“Then I resent your kindness. All of it.”
“Do as you wish.”
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Trivia
When you wrote that love song, was it about me? I guess it’s pretty presumptuous to ask. I can’t imagine anyone would think it’s about... Maybe I’m just curious when the words came together for you.
I can stand under the shelter of a random house waiting for the rain to stop. When I look up I let the drops hit my palms. I don’t think you love me, that is indeed wishful thinking. How embarrassing right? You know something, I don’t need you to. It’s ok if you never do.
When I look around, the rain is still going. I remember thinking my whole life I was waiting for someone or something. As I sit down and kick my feet in the puddle before me I have a small realization. What or who I’ve been waiting for is me.
I hope you’ve been having fun in the snow. I had a silly scene play in my head a second ago. What would it be like to enjoy your song in a large crowd? I guess It’d be fun. I could sing all the lyrics and then out of the sea of people someone would be caught by my spirit. Maybe I’d bump into them, apologize for the physical contact and haunt them with my stellar presence. They would be surprised by the thump in their chest and their eyes could never leave me. Hmmm. Wishful thinking.
No wedding ring. I don’t need one. I heard yours is nice. I don’t expect an invite but I’ll wish you happiness anyways. Hey, do you remember that song? It wasn’t about me huh? But if I pretend... can it be?
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Goodbye To The Boy
I don’t understand a lot of things. The moments my mind shows me have been long gone and when I recall them I feel as empty as I did when they took place. Only now, I am allowed to move on.
What stream of water can I look to to see the light of a new day, a good day, a loving day?
Sitting in the back of a truck with my head resting on the edge of the door. I look out to the place where I used to live.
Who was the little kid who had a million dreams? How are they doing now?
The wind feels nice. I even like it when it brushes my skin nowadays. I remember when I was little sitting in the back of my mothers car. I looked outside at the road wishing I could touch the wind. I rolled down the car window poking my head out, my hair gently dancing with the breeze. Ohh how I dreamed of letting my dark strands grow as long as they possibly could. I pictured them waving in the distance like a piece of cloth. The world was so big back then.
When I got my hair cut an abundance of tears fell from my face. I hated the reflection in the mirror, my head resembling a worn out chew toy. The hands like the scissors that ate away at my beautiful dark mop marked me with a heavy masculine. All my joy in the early years of my life came from my hair. The tears came instantly every time I had been forced to see it go.
I can’t tell how fast the truck is moving. I can barely understand how much distance is between me and that house anymore. Like a small animal a little kid ran out from inside and onto the sidewalk. A cute little ball of a boy who waves at me. I recognize him right away. Soft spoken, clueless, quiet around strangers and too obedient.
He reminds me of how lonely I used to be. Sitting in my aunt's kitchen I’d eat by myself while my mom talked with her relatives. My cousins were somewhere outside having fun. I don’t think I can understand why no one ever came to my birthday. When I was small everyone was a stranger to me, even family. I saw them up until I was maybe seven. After seven there were more birthdays, no more parties for me. When I was nine I had my first communion. My mom didn’t want a joint celebration with her friend's son, but I desperately did. I knew only then would someone show up. If I could share the day with a friend then why wouldn’t I?
So many unanswered questions. I was so small. I won’t even mention Christmas, the yelling, the mistakes and let’s not forget the weight of religion. The big white dress was for the quinceanera. I admired her. I wanted to be her ever since I could remember.
As the boy waves I wave back. The quince came around much later. I hope he liked it. He sends me off with a smile. Now I know it’s ok to move. My time here is coming to an end. I need to find a new space where I can be loved. The world becomes an ocean. I look into the water to find myself. I can forgive all the things I did. I can wonder and never know. I don’t know where I’ll be, but as I go farther into the depths of new waters I know the end is coming. A new me is waiting.
Goodbye little boy. I love you. You never failed me. You made me who I am today. I forgive you.
#inner child#reflection#creative writing#the past#a new adventure#new journey#saying goodbye#ending#beginning#trans
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What Do They Want?
I fell into it without a second thought. The surprise hit me harder than the fall itself.
“What can I do?”
The words melted on my lips like snow. I had no answer and neither of them could give it to me one.
***
I leaned over the bridge, my eyes wet and my body shaking. Cars went by like blurry beams of light underneath me. I forgot to count the seconds between my thoughts and my actions. Everything went blank, a loud thump shook the air and I lost all feeling. A car horn went off.
“I couldn't do it.”
A light laugh left my mouth. The illusion shattered into a million pieces. Suddenly I could see the reality around me as a shot of disappointment hit my chest. The image of me bleeding out washed away. In the depths of my stomach an echo came through.
Why can’t I die?
***
I looked over the horizon while the sky dressed up in a dull gray ensemble. The city lights flash before me. The holidays go on like nothing.
“It’s snowing.”
I let a smile come up from the corners of my mouth. I could already feel a problem start to crawl my way.
“Did everyone bore you back there?”
I shook my head. When I opened my eyes Santiago had been standing next to me in a long checkered coat over a black turtleneck with black gloves.
“Then why’d you leave?”
I sighed.
“I just thought I needed a change.”
Santiago took a side step closer to me. I turned my attention back to the cityscape.
“Is that it?”
“Yes.”
“Did someone call you?”
Julian suddenly ran around in my body. The tension between them sitting in my brain like a bird tied between two trees.
“Should I take that as a yes? If I ask you not to answer him…”
He scoffed at himself.
“You never listen to me or him.”
“Did you want something? I'm going to leave soon, so please say it.”
The silence held on to me. Santiago hesitated to make a demand even when I heard it booming in this throat.
“I don’t know If I should ask, but I… need your help.”
The pause felt like a flower sitting still in an overflowing vase. The request became clear before he made it known.
“Is she going to accept my help?”
Santiago bit his lip.
“She can’t say no anymore.”
“Julian will probably ask me too. Is that why you asked me first?”
Santiago looked at the ground. Snow melted over my face like fresh tears. Santiago stayed quite Julian’s shadow looming over him, over us.
“I’ll go now.”
Santiago inched forward just slightly, his hand hesitant to pull me back. I could feel Julian push him away and see Santiago drop his hand because of it. I shot him a smile.
“Safe trip.”
***
I found myself in bed looking at the ceiling. I thought about the reflection in Santiago’s eyes before I left him. Knot after knot built over a sea of unspoken words.
“Lose one. Tie one. Lose one. Tie one. Lose...”
My phone went off and I knew Julian was making his move.
Julian: Hey, did you make it home?
Yes. Are you gonna ask me for a favor?
Julian: Can’t surprise you very often can I?
I stifled a laugh. Water caught in my lungs for a moment. I choked on it, drowning somewhere, dying soon. I heard Julian press the send button at least five times before I came back to.
Julian: She’s been trapped somewhere in her room. I haven’t spoken to her much since the last time we all met. However, her mother sent me an alarming message the other day.
Julian: I’m not trying to push you into this. I know you’ll do it whether I ask or not. Bet he asked you already, but will you?
Julian: Hey, you there? Is it too much?
Julian: Hey, are you ok? I can ask someone else.
Julian: I’m not sure how far gone she might be but the situation seems serious. Her mom is very concerned. She can barely sleep, the house is a mess, and… can I come over?
I knew my eyes were locked on the screen for five or ten minutes. I just don’t remember any of it. The last part of his message threw me off enough to wonder around somewhere over my bed and watch myself.
Can you…
I let the pause linger the typing bubble ready to burst on the other side. Julian was getting ahead of himself. Santiago…
...tell her mom I’ll go take a look tomorrow?
The bubble popped. Julian took a little longer than usual to text back.
Julian: Yeah, I’ll let her know. Thank you.
The disappointment went along my arm, his heart beat so fast only to stop momentarily. I thought of Santiago. I knew he’d be waiting by the house the three of us in an uncomfortable circumstance yet again.
I wish they could ask someone else to do this.
The idea was almost funny. I giggled and went to sleep.
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Fish Feels
There are fish swimming inside my chest. Fish with large heads and bright lights. I dig my hand into my heart to pull them out. When I do I feel a little empty. I wonder if this is the right thing to do.
Do I really want to feel nothing? The more I think the more I know I do.
In the most selfish act I can think of I put the fish in a bowl then quickly throw the bowl into the sky. I watch for a moment praying the bowl never comes back down nor the fish find their way out. I want to feel nothing. I want to feel numb even if I lose something when I do.
Everytime I take a fish away I think I’ll start fresh. The pond of my memories and emotions evaporates until I feel again.
When I look out to the clouds I know how naive it is to want to lose all feeling. I force my breath to stay inside because I’d rather die when I’m alive then continue filling up with the weight of my trauma. I’m foolish for a second or two before a new fish swims around in my chest. Something else has happened. What I learned before I relearn and the pain is fresh.
I pull out the fish to forget. I pull out the fish to feel free of tedious things, but they always come back. My body is the sea of a history I want to leave behind. The more fish I pull the more bowls I send to the sky. Soon there are too many and because of my special gravity all the fish I sent away come back. The bowls crack into bright chalky powders and mix with rain.
How I want to cry at the failure I’ve become. If only I wasn’t a habitat for human nature. My body can hardly take the impact of the fish I tried to forget and as a result I shake until my feet drill into the ground.
I can’t say goodbye no matter how much I try. I am tied to the fish as they are to the water made by my soul. A miserable fate like human nature. There’s no cure for it and I hate how I have to learn from it in order to move on.
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Home,Mi Casa
I have no definition for home because I don’t understand what a home is. Is the word so literal the answer is obvious or is a home something like the bottom of my bathtub? When I turn the water on, pour bubble mix in and sit in the aftermath of foamy suds, is that home?
I rest my head back in the warm water and stare at the ceiling. For a second everything goes blank. For a second I think about the bed I’m in and take a deep breath.
Home, feels like sinking my entire body in water so hot it marks my skin with wrinkles, promising death. Why then am I still alive?
Do seven men make up a home?
They sure know how to sing about it, paint a home as a living person, a feeling of nostalgia, a comfort even a place for love.
The air conditioner rattles on forever. The bathroom feels like an empty space where I lose myself time after time. When I finally pull myself out of the water I start to wonder. The reflection in the mirror feels confused. I don’t understand who I’m looking at. I barely understand where I am.
Is this place home or is home the four walls of my bedroom?
The structure maybe the same, however the walls change from one place on the map to the other. The passage of time has introduced me to a number of walls. Four walls which keep me safe from the outside. The door to my room has a lock on it. It is the magical barrier holding my boundaries up even when I can’t. The outside knocks and shouts for me to leave my room. My bed keeps me confined sometimes. The four walls I’ve come to know feel so bare I think I’ll start to move again.
Sometimes I want to cover them with pictures and art.
Is it worth it if they'll come down sooner or later?
A place I mark with material objects feels too permanent to be safe. I don’t want to dress the walls anymore. I just want to leave again. If this is home I hope I’m not chained.
Does it only count as home when I sign off on a piece of paper? Is home something I can only understand when I truly get old?
A person can sometimes feel like a place. The delusion of finding any kind of home inside someone makes the bruises on my chest more prominent. I’m exhausted.
Can I build a home inside myself? Is that called resilience?
I gather tools every time even when I don’t want to move from under the sheets. I repeat the cycle hoping my door can hold off the outside. I drown my sorrows in a bubble bath hoping I never come up for air again. What did those seven men mean when they sang about home?
Stuck inside the four walls of my bedroom I wonder when I’ll find a home inside myself where I don’t suffocate.
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In A Bubble
In their casual bubble, Greg and Cynthia kept the world out, and Luis tried his best to bring ours together.
“You put on some sunscreen?” Luis asked.
I shook my head. He slapped a big scoop on his shoulder and handed me the bottle.
“Do you wanna wrinkle sooner than me?” he asked.
“No, I definitely do not .” I said.
I put some sunscreen over my face, my eyes caught in Greg and Cynthia’s little sphere.
“I’m not interested in meeting your mom right now.” Greg said.
“You say that like it’s a choice.” Cynthia said.
“Isn’t it?” he asked.
“If you’re planning on proposing to me then you must.” she said.
I handed Luis back the bottle of sunscreen. A smile drew on across his face.
“Do you want me to get your back?” Luis asked.
I paused for a second. In my mind I began to picture Luis' skin pressing down on me. The stillness of my heart broke into a thump, a cool breeze ran down my spine and I felt the sunlight tease me.
“Paloma?”
I shook my head. Luis' smile went away.
“When was I planning to propose?” Greg asked.
“Well after everything I thought maybe-” Cynthia said.
“Well...I don’t know. I mean we haven’t talked about it much.” Greg said.
The fire in Cynthia's eyes slid across the grass burning a hole in Greg’s brain. He didn’t realize it or maybe he didn’t care how much smoke came out of him as a result. He just kept running his mouth never finding a place to rest. Despite her patience Cynthia looked about ready to gnaw Greg’s head off. A knee jerk reflex made me shoot up from the ground and move towards her. Similarly Luis grabbed my hand the second I moved.
“Paloma.” Luis said my name dryly.
“Cynthia I think there’s an ice cream place around the corner.” I said.
Greg shot me a stern look, the hole in his head still fresh. Cynthia put her bag over her shoulder. Greg avoided her gaze as she made her way to me. Luis let go of my hand.
“When will you be back?” Luis asked.
“When he patches himself together.” Cynthia said.
Greg turned his face away from us. I could sense Luis headbutt himself. I could hear him suppress his emotions for the sake of maintaining our relationship. Whatever that was anymore
“Well talk later then?” Luis asked.
I nodded. Five maybe fifteen minutes went by until we reached the ice cream shop across the park. Cynthia didn’t speak once as we went through the door.
“Hi, welcome.”
A tall man in a dark green apron greeted us. His name tag sat across his chest with the name Austin written in flashy colors. Cynthia ignored him. She took a glance around the shop and made her way to an empty table.
“Hi.” I said.
I approached the counter with a knot in my stomach.
“What can I get started for you?” Austin asked.
“What do you recommend?” I asked.
“We have our daily flavors, our seasonal flavors and.... Actually I may know something you might like. It’s a little out there, but it’s a nice blend of things.”
I read his flirty gesture with Luis in mind. He looked at me and I shot a quick look at Cynthia. A small laugh left my lips. Austin caught me back into his gaze.
“Is that ok?” he asked.
“Uh, yeah. Sounds great.” I said.
I could feel Luis breathe behind me even when he wasn’t there. I knew the number of words he’d say to the poor guy trying to make me some ice cream. For a short moment I pictured a bruised Austin sobbing in pain as Luis stood over him. His ego once again beaten into nothing and the purple, blue, and red of Austin’s face only reflected Luis' own beaten self.
“Great. That’ll be 12.99.” Austin said.
I handed Austin a twenty dollar bill and told him to keep the change. He put the extra money into a tip jar by the register. With a hint of red on his cheeks he smiled.
“I’ll bring it out to you.” he said.
By the time I sat down Cynthia had her eyes glued to the window.
“You think he’ll change his mind?” she asked.
“I’m not sure.” I said.
She shook her head holding a strong poker face as she tapped her finger on the table.
“I wish he would just...” she paused.
Austin brought over two vibrant double scoop ice cream cups to the table.
“Let me know what you think.” he said.
“I will, thank you.” I said.
He shot me a smile while Cynthia snatched her cup up.
“Enjoy.” He said.
I took mine and Cynthia glared.
“Are you ok?” she asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You know what I mean.” Cynthia said.
“I don’t think we are here to talk about me.” I said.
“No, but I’d rather do that right now than talk about Greg.”
“Are you sure?”
Cynthia nodded.
“OK.”
“So?”
“There’s not much to say.”
“Luis seems mad at you. I mean to me he is still thinking about-”
“Akito?”
Cynthia nods. I take a bite of my ice cream, the savory flavor mixed in with unreasonable fear. My emotions swim around then suddenly come to a stop as someone steps through the door. Austin’s voice echoes from the counter and the new customer asks for a flavor recommendation.
“You know Greg… Greg is impossible.”
“Yeah and I’d say we aren’t any different. It’s probably the reason we’re all friends.”
Cynthia’s eyebrows arch while I laugh.
“I think you mean that’s why Greg and Luis are friends.”
“I guess. I mean am I much different from either of them? If I were, maybe it would be easier to pretend like things have changed.”
Cynthia took another bite of ice cream. Akito resurfaced somewhere in the back of my mind. The thought of Luis quickly rushed in to push the memories aside.
“Why is it so hard for him? The world fell into a vortex and now things are barely back on track and... Maybe I’m wrong but nearly dying should’ve kicked his ass. I should’ve kicked his ass.”
“Everyone should kick his ass.”
“Yeah, that’s true.”
A buzz came from inside Cynthia’s purse. She pulled out her phone as sparkles suddenly burst from her eyes.
“What did he say?”
“He’ll think about it.”
I scoffed a little at the phrase.
“Should we head back then?”
She shook her head.
“No, let’s just finish and go home.”
Something about her response made me feel a little better and made the ice cream taste a little sweeter.
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Venus Gave Birth to Herself
What I thought I wanted left me in the middle of nowhere. On the roof of my car I sat with my legs crossed and my skin soaking in the sunlight. The second I shut my eyes I began to wonder where the sense of adventure had gone. I thought back to the sugary sweet taste of the dreams I once had.
Can I leave?
I have to ask myself permission. I shake my head then nod. I truly don’t know where the me I knew got left behind. One day I drove with a hand out the window pretending the world was in my palm. The day I let those dreams leave my lips the sun felt so different.
Can I leave?
Three letters slipped on my finger and just like that they came right off. A new life spread my legs apart. Covered in diamonds and pearls my face broke out of the surface of my body. A body made of sugar, honey, flowers and stars. The image of a naked Venus became the image of the naked self. The magic of me, the feminine, the pink, the rough skies of orange and purple hues.
The sun told the world
Here I am. Where will you be?
A river flows through it all. I sit on a shell watching water pour down a valley of bare skin. The divine feminine. The birth of Venus. The goddess inside me.
Can I leave?
On the roof of my car I stuck a sucker between my teeth, the sweet nectar of life cracking over my tongue. The image of a new self glistened in the waters of a different ocean. What I thought… What I needed was ready to find me.
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Death, Wine & French Fries
Setting: NALLELI and OSCAR are sitting on the floor of their living room. Between them there’s a freshly opened bottle of wine and a torn up piece of paper. Off to the far left a set of stairs sits leading to the second floor. A small dining table is located to the right. On it there’s a vase holding a single lilly. The vase is filled to the brim with water.
(Lights on.)
NALLELI
If I had to think about the last thing my mother said to me… “You’re so selfish.” The whole family would say it too. A big old orchestra of laughter.
(NALLELI grabs the wine bottle and takes a sip.)
Would things be different if….
NALLELI
There’s not much you can do about it now.
NALLELI
There wasn’t a lot I could do then.
(NALLELI takes another sip then sets the bottle down between her and OSCAR.)
OSCAR
Should we pack?
(NALLELI shakes her head. She sits up straight for just a second before slouching again. The lights dim. OSCAR moves the wine bottle beside him as he starts slowly scooching closer to her. The two look into each other's eyes. For a moment all is quiet. )
NALLELI
How did you deal with it? How was your family?
OSCAR
I didn’t. Our families are different. Mine is close. Your family is ready to drop the next body as soon as they see you walk through that door. At least that’s what it sounds like.
(NALLELI laughs lightly. She rests her head on OSCAR’S shoulder for a second.)
NALLELI
When I got the call the first thing I thought about was you and french fries and you eating all the french fries. It made me mad. I didn’t understand why. The first thing I thought about wasn’t my mom dying or how my sister was doing or if her brother still... I just imagined you eating french fries alone. I think my blood pressure even went up the more I pictured it. I guess I can’t have a normal response. Not when this...
(NALLELI grabs the torn pieces of paper and throws them in front of her. OSCAR takes the wine bottle and looks at it for a moment. He sets it back down as NALLELI begins to speak.)
I bet they’re really hungry too. I can already see the blood stained smiles my aunts and uncles must be wearing. I don’t think my mom will be enough to quench their thirst. I can only imagine how I’ll fare while I’m still alive.
(NALLELI reaches for the wine bottle and takes another sip. OSCAR pulls the bottle away from her just as quickly as it touches her lips. He sets it aside.)
OSCAR
I think you should worry about how you're going to make it there. Oh, actually you should probably think of how to thank me first. I recommend a nice back rub since I’ll be carrying you into the building.
(NALLELI looks at OSCAR. The lights keep dimming. She gets up quickly. Oscar follows suit.)
OSCAR
I didn’t mean it literally. I’ll just walk in with you. No one will say anything if I’m there right?
NALLELI
No, Oscar you’re not coming. Not to see me off and not to walk me there. I don’t want to worry about you when I have to worry about me.
OSCAR
Why? Aren’t I supposed to go? I’m a great support you can ask my sister. Well, you can ask yourself. I’ve beat up a few people for you.
NALLELI
That’s the problem. You’ve never been the one to bleed out in the middle of the ocean. I’m sure if you’d dip your toes where you mustn’t you’ll end up dead too. Oscar, you’re too damn sweet and I can’t deal with it.
OSCAR
I’ve never heard you say that before. I always thought I was a little rough around the edges. A little scary. I have a way of getting things done. You know that right? What’s so sweet about any part of that?
(NALLELI shakes her head then makes her way to the wine bottle. OSCAR stops her by taking her hand into his own and pulling her closer to him. The sudden movement forces them to take a step back causing the wine bottle to tip over and spill onto the floor.)
NALLELI (Sighs deeply.)
I don’t want to clean it up.
OSCAR
I’ll do it later. I don’t think it’ll be too bad, just a small stain. The floor can handle it.
(A faint laugh leaves OSCAR’S lips. NALLELI buries her face in his chest as she groans.)
NALLELI
You say that everytime. The floor can handle it. Yeah, maybe. But my back hurts every time you do.
OSCAR
And what do I usually do when it does?
(NALLELI looks up at OSCAR.)
NALLELI (Groaning.)
This is what I mean. This type of shit can’t happen there.
OSCAR
What’s wrong with this?
(OSCAR slowly leans in towards NALLELI, their lips almost touching. NALLELI turns her head and OSCAR grazes her cheek.)
NALLELI
Ay, Dios mío. Please don’t be so… ugh, good right now. It gets me in trouble, you know. It’s really annoying. Why’d you have to make a move at all?
(NALLELI rests her head on OSCAR'S chest practically burying her face again. OSCAR wraps his arms around her and the two hug for a while.)
OSCAR
You aren’t making much sense. Should I appreciate your comment?
NALLELI (Pushing OSCAR away.)
God, Oscar. News travels fast in small places. To me you may be a saint but to them you’re a prisoner, an escort and an actor.
OSCAR
So, does that matter? It’s not true at all.
NALLELI
Truth is subjective to you like it is to me. No one knows what the truth is. They just know what they want to believe.
OSCAR
Why are we running around circles over this?
NALLELI
We aren’t. You are. None of this, what’s between us is true. Not to them but maybe to my mom. God knows it's what sent her to hell in the first place. I bet she even took my spot in the front row too.
(There’s pause. OSCAR takes a deep breath.)
It would be immoral to keep you with me when I say goodbye.
OSCAR
Nalleli. Nalleli, you can do whatever you want. I’m just asking you to let me do the same. I wanna be there.
NALLELI
Ahhh ahhh no. I have to do this alone.
OSCAR
I wish you wouldn’t.
NALLELI
I know.
(Silence. OSCAR looks at NALLELI as she starts to move away from him.)
I’ll pack something small. Plane tickets to the west coast aren’t too bad right now… Hmm now that I say it I- gotta think about what I’m going to wear.
OSCAR
Nalleli.
NALLELI
Is it too obnoxious to wear designer clothes? Jimmy choos? Should I-
(NALLELI turns to stage left and slowly makes her way towards the stairs. With every few steps she stops to look back at OSCAR as she thinks.)
OSCAR
Nalleli.
NALLELI
I don’t look very good in black though. Hmm, what screams bitchy but I’m not remotely sorry about it? Should I dye my hair before I leave? Should I rent a dog? Ugh, I really gotta knock 'em dead before I drop the eulogy.
(NALLELI wanders up the stairs and exits.)
OSCAR
Nalleli!
(OSCAR looks down at the torn up paper on the floor. He picks it up then runs upstairs. Lights out. End of Scene)
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The Beginning And The End
A fork in the road always seems to appear right before I give up all hope.
Left or right?
At first it seems like there are only two paths to choose from. However, I forgot about the third one right in the center. When I take another look the path splits in the middle. A fourth path opens up. Perhaps even more will appear if I pay attention. Still I'm in a fog as I near the exit.
My head moves. I feel a weight in my chest. Years of trauma are stuck in my throat and I choke on them. I try to force them down as my blood runs into the soil. Inch by inch the roots of life erupt from the ground. I cut the bloodlines connecting me to them.
Them who ask for my forgiveness. Them who ask for my dreams because they woke up from their own. Them who pass judgment under the guise of family over anything.
We run together like hamsters in a wheel. There are no breaks. I’ve been broken. I am tired. I get off the wheel into a spiral. Everyone else keeps moving their little feet in the world they see through pain.
Sacrifices are not rare in my family. It is I who have been nourished, bathed and dressed for my final days. From birth my grandma wove a crown of thorns for me to wear on my special day. My mom made shackles to restrain me while the rest of them dug a sword from the flames of hell to mark me with.
For generations the bloodline believed in a prophecy.
A broken cycle does not free everyone. Blood is blood. Pain is pain. One must die for the rest to stay alive.
The pain of each one of them drips onto the blade. They pass it around. We wander into a forest, my grandmother sets the crown on my forehead. I release the lines which bind us together. My mother shackles me onto a cross while everyone else chants. Fire rises from a pit in front of me. The sword travels in a circle until it reaches her hands. She puts the blade over her stomach marking the place where I came from. She kisses it then mercilessly asks me to accept my fate for the good of the family. I say nothing. She goes into a prayer the family joins in.
In a blink of an eye I feel the sharp metal go through my chest. I see the blood gush down my body. The fire dies down. Everyone grins for a moment. They do not know what they have done. They do not know what I have done.
There is barely any blood left inside me. The family cries overjoyed. They clutch their hands together cherishing the life they have taken. A sense of anger scratches my throat. I don’t want to blame them but I find it impossible to free them of judgement. So, I bite my tongue and when everyone is quiet I scream. The trauma gushes out from within. The memories pour over a soil I do not grow in anymore. They are unphased. To them the ancestors are satisfied, their wishes have been fulfilled, so there is no need to worry. Instead they smile. Our blood ties don’t exist anymore. I am free. I leave my body. My family burns the bones. I wonder out of the forest. In the distance they chant in victory. Life has just begun. I broke the cycle.
I wake up in the ocean, the gods sending me love and acceptance. My bloodline is clean. I have no mother. I have no father. I have no blood family.
Someone kisses me. The air feels different. I’m still afraid. The gods tell me I woke up from a bad dream. I watch the sky shift into night. I can’t hear my family. I can’t feel them anymore. The waves carry me to somewhere far away. I do not forgive or forget. I move on with a new understanding of pain and trauma. The gods send me a gift.
Kiss me again.
He does. I feel warm inside. The ocean comes back. It carries me away. I live on a shell. He comes to find me. I feel warm when I see him. He asks for my hand. I kick my feet in the water. He drops a pearl in my palm and I bleed. Bloodlines sink into the coral deep within the blue waves.
Yes.
Butterflies in a new place. Blood ties. New memories. Peace. I am a garden. He waters his ground. I water mine. The gods send me a gift.
Prophecy is not destiny.
I don’t understand the words, but they dress me in white. I live again. Street lights and songs of affirmation.
Blood ties. We stand under the arch of new life. The gods kiss me. They say they're sorry for the past. They send light into my future.
Do not be afraid. You are loved, so be loved.
I fall in the ocean again. This time he is with me. We kiss. A million hibiscus swim around us. We stay in the water a while longer. We kiss one last time and travel to a new shore. Our family greets us with much love. Blood falls into the land. We kiss. My eyes are pearls. We live in a shell. We swim often. We dream awake. Our names fly across the galaxy. We are now constellations. The gods invite us to a kingdom built by the sea. We kiss.
It ends with the hum from my heart. He sings in our language. We are family. We are blood now. We are free. We are in love.
Kiss me.
Kiss me back.
Life ends and begins again.
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Are You Getting On?
I can still hear the train tracks roar in the back of my head. The blunt sound of squeaky wheels came to a stop every so often. Carts full of people dispersed into the wait station where new passengers made their way through the crowd looking for their next destination. A debate went on inside me everytime.
Should I get on this train or wait for the next one?
“Hard choice?”
I felt a voice crawl onto my neck. The core of my heart grew goosebumps while the familiar pinch of needles spread all over my body.
“We can get on together.”
I shook my head. The train left and the ocean broke into the horizon. He stood next to me. I looked over at him, a big green beanie sitting on his head, his right cheek tucked into his teeth and his hands in his pocket. He titled his chin up if only to stretch himself another inch above me. I took a deep breath, an uproar of wheels fast approaching us.
“Next stop?”
“I don’t know.”
“Ah, so you speak. What’s the occasion?”
He leaned into me, his forearm hitting my shoulder. I took a side step but his face came up to mine. He pointed at the train. The wind broke as soon as the doors slid open letting a few more people off.
“Three seconds then it’s gone.”
I counted in my head. The train left. He stood upright with his hands back in his pocket. The sky shifted from pink and orange to a deep blue.
“When are you jumping on your ride?”
“I don’t know.”
“You scared?”
I kept my eyes straight ahead. He smacked his lips together.
“Next train?”
I shrugged.
“Jump.”
“What?”
“On the next train jump.”
I kicked my feet to the pavement, my fingers hooked in the strap of my backpack. He came closer to me. I glanced up at him, a man made tower who struck the chords of my chest.
“Five seconds.”
A new train came screeching on the tracks. He put his hand out in front of me as the carts grew empty. My heart shot into overdrive and in a race with myself I jumped alone.
“There she is.”
He fell behind but his feet eventually caught up to mine. One. Two. Three. The train doors shut. I looked through the window at the wait station with no clue where I would go. He giggled under his breath, his eyes wondering to the right. I knew he was aware of my situation. In fact it amused him to be near me as my brain went into a fritz.
“Don’t know when to get off?”
“No.”
“That’s good. Means we got a million options.”
I shook my head. He put his arm around me.
“An endless adventure.”
I pushed it off and a pout came across his face. With his hands back in his pocket he sighed.
“You’re a hard one.”
“Yep.”
The train went into a tunnel. I watched the lights inside the cart bounce on the windows and shine over my reflection. The conductor came on the inner com briefly.
“Next stop…”
I drowned him out.
“Can I hold your hand?”
“No.”
“Damn. Ok, can I get off with you?”
“I don’t know where I’m going.”
“Well can I still come when you figure it out?”
I wanted to shake my head but I caught his eyes. The small image of myself gleamed in his pupils like diamonds in warm sand. I fought with my lips for a second until I was sure I wouldn’t answer. He smiled as if reading my mind.
“What is this?”
I put my hand out, he gave it a quick glance. I nudged it closer to him.
“Heehee, you’re stubborn.”
The lights in the train went out for a second. My palms sweat. I tried to pull away from him to wipe my hand off. He squeezed it tighter. The conductor came on the intercom to apologize for the alarm.
“What if I don’t know when to get off?”
He pursed his lips.
“Well, guess we'll ride this train until you do.”
I didn’t sense the butterflies they were just there. A thousand maybe more tangled in my hair. The big towering man couldn’t have been real but he squeezed my hand to tell me he was. One. Two. Three. I shut my eyes ready to wake up. I thought when I opened them I’d see the sun coming in my bedroom. He squeezed my hand even tighter.
“Don’t be afraid of the train ride.”
I wasn’t.
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