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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 2 years

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Rage

I’m angry.

Angry she went to you, and not to me.

Angry that she had you and I didn’t.

Angry that I didn’t have her either.

Angry that I just so desperately wanted your help that I couldn’t seem to help her or even care to realize how hurt she was.

Angry that I’m even upset that she didn’t tell me and come to me about what was going on when I go to her for everything no matter what.

Angry that I’m even upset about any of this.

Angry that I can’t take care of myself.

Angry that I burden everyone around me with this.

Angry at the distance that has been wedged between myself and those around me so harshly.

I’m flooded with anger and pain, and it has nowhere to go.

I want to scratch away at the surface of myself so my outside can bare the pain instead of what’s inside.

It’s unbearable and overwhelming and I’m angry that I can’t fix it and get over it myself.

Why do I care so much? Why her? Why now? I can’t seem to wrap my head around what I’m even feeling or who I’m feeling it towards.

I can’t tell what kind of feeling this truly is, only friendship, something more, what kind of something more is this?

I can’t grasp my own feelings and it’s throwing me into a spiral of confusion and hurt and in doing so I’m hurting everyone around me in the process.

Imagining her in pain and crying, and yet somehow still being angry and hurt, it all makes me want to sink into the ground and never come out.

That I dare feel that when she was going through such great pain, and I couldn’t be there for her. She couldn’t even tell me what happened, and that she’s been empty with me since then. I can only feel like that’s my own fault and I didn’t reach out either. I didn’t check on her and I should have.

I don’t know how to move forward from here.

Move on and pretend it didn’t happen? Check in and see if she’s okay even if I’m not? Send her this and terrify her even further from me then she already is?

I don’t know what to do and no matter what decision I make it will still end the same, in anger.

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 2 years

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A War on The Rational

There is a war colliding in my mind.

The rational and irrational, constantly trying to take over the whole of me until one wins.

The screams silencing any other thought that if they don’t share that part of themselves that I do. If they don’t tell me the ups and downs, give me that reason to be here as a safe person to talk to you and come to with problems. When I give that part of me to every single one of them, I’m forced to believe by my own interworking’s that they don’t love me like I love them.

Even hearing how it sounds, coming from my own mind it just feels ridiculous to even dare think it. A constant crusade between both sides of me that seeks to never end. I beg someone to just understand and sympathize my pain, I don’t want to hear how horrible and selfish it sounds. How absurd it is.

I know that.

Of course, I know that.

That’s what makes this all so hard.

My brain refuses to let me win.

I’m pushing and pulling constantly, and nothing makes any sense.

If I can’t help them, if they don’t tell me when they break, they don’t care like I care. I would give them anything. I tell them everything. I give all of myself to these people even in the fear and terror that they will use it against me.

My mind has convinced me that if they choose not to do the same, they don’t care as much as I do. They don’t trust me as much as I trust them.

I know it isn’t true, don’t you understand that?

Of course, I know that.

But, I can’t win the battle to accept it. No matter how hard I push against the thoughts, so hard that I think my skull will break, there is no pushing out the hovering pain that I’m not enough for them, even if they’re everything for me.

I needed help.

I needed reassurance.

I needed understanding.

All I ever seem to get back is the painful truth that I’m the one causing this. They preach at me that I should know and see them as who they are but inside my head, they have turned against me, they will never give me back the parts of myself that I have given them.

There’s nothing simple about moving on from this.

I can’t just shove it away and hope it doesn’t return.

I can’t push that part of me off from suffocating me until I’ve not only lost myself but all of you.

I cry out for reassurance that this unbearable consciousness that burdens onto me doesn’t twist me into a bad person.

I can be independent.

I was forced to be for a very long time. But I’ve trusted my heart and soul to you all now and in doing so I flee to you in times when it’s hurt and damaged and scarred.

I can be independent I just don’t want to feel so fucking alone in my own feelings that I make myself feel crazy for feeling anything at all.

I just want to be understood.

I want to be cared for in the way that I care, but I must accept that others aren’t going to care like I do. It’s an impossible feat to come to terms with but I’m trying, I swear, I’m trying.

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 2 years

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This Has No Beginning, No End.

What do you write when you have nothing to write? Stories of your life? Your friends? Do you create your own fantasy to escape into, so you don’t feel so stuck in the real world?

Why is it so hard for me to just be by myself? Alone in my own head. It isn’t silent. There are tumbles of the washing machine and the dryer. The quiet huffs of the dog sleeping. Scratches on the carpet from the cat. So why does it feel like I’m trapped in a prison of silence?

I can tell it’s getting bad again. Over or under doing everything. Over sleeping. Under eating. Putting off basic needs like showering, brushing my teeth, or washing my face. I force myself to try and clean yet no matter how much I get done it always seems like the mess is even bigger than before.

My forehead hurts from the unconscious intense scrunch of my brows on my face. My shoulders ache from being pulled into my neck. My body aches and ticks away at itself.

There’s always a reason for this. A trigger. A cause. Something that brings this feeling back on, but this time, it’s just here and I desperately can’t figure out why. I scratch and scrounge at my brain. I trap myself arounds others in order to escape myself. But when there is no one, I can’t get away anymore.

This writing has no end, no order, no beginning. It is only the wonderless ramble of my mind that I can’t seem to escape.

I just want it to stop. I’m not even sure what it is. I can’t describe it as a feeling, or a thought, it just exists in me and refuses to leave.

I was hoping if I just continued to surround myself with people it would go away. But eventually you must be alone, and the second you are it creeps back in.

It’s slow at first. A few thoughts wander in that make you question, that sting when they pierce your mind. You force yourself to find an answer, and in that moment if you do, it subsides. But it never stays away.

I saw it coming. I still couldn’t seem to stop it. I saw it in the questions I began to ask of myself about those who surround me. I scratched and itched at the thought of what everyone saw me as. Burned at the feelings I had about myself. I saw it coming, but it still tore me apart bit by bit when it came. Now I don’t know if I can put myself back together.

I want to shield the broken from you. Duct tape myself back together just enough so that you can’t see it. Throw on smiles and toss out laughs. When I ask to see you and I know your busy I yell at myself for being so upset that you aren’t here. I understand why, and I would never be mad, but without you I feel so lost.

Wandering away. What once was my beautiful forest of tall trees, sun beating down through the leaves, the quiet hum of animals in the background, is now a dark and tangled hellscape.

The trees are bare now, there is no sunlight, not even the shine of the moon. I wander aimlessly through the dark desperately trying to find light again. I am beaten by the branches of my own creation. There is no one here to save me.

I twitch and tick away as time passes. Nothing feels real anymore. I want to cut into my skin just to feel reality again. The only thing stopping me is the absence of a blade.

Why would I want this? I don’t understand why you would want someone like me. Though when those words come out of my mouth I feel as though I am only seeking attention and that maybe none of it was real in the first place. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t anymore. At least not right now.

All I have are my words, and I pray I won’t lose them, too.

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 2 years

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Writing Crossroads

Writing and I are at a crossroads. A conflicting relationship that was once smooth and fluid now feels rough and rigid.

I once used writing to get the ever-pressing thoughts that absorbed me out of my mind, but now I feel as if I need to write something prolific for it to even be worth it.

The pain I was absorbed by allowed me to write tragically beautiful words once. All I can feel now is that if it isn’t as good as before should I even write at all?

Writing was a safe space for me. My comfort when I felt I had nothing left. It gave me a purpose. I only wrote for myself, and it didn’t matter how amazing or prolific the words were, I just needed it for me. So why do I feel now like I have no right strewing words together? The purpose was never for others but only for myself yet even in writing this I am only thinking of what others will think when they read it.

Is it magnificent enough? Are my metaphor’s strong enough? What words can I use that are better than these? What if they don’t like it? Even though it was never for them.

I want to feel free when I write again. I want to escape into it, my own little world where I can shut everything else out from around me and only have this. The stress and intrusive thoughts have somewhere else to go then inside of me. I just want to feel free to write again for no one else but me.

The thoughts of sending this to others and thinking of how they will react are all I can think of while I write this.

I know it isn’t special, and I know what I’ve written before was better, yet I still want their approval that what I write is worth reading. My mind tells me that when they read what I send them now that it doesn’t touch them like it used to. It doesn’t bring them joy nor sorrow; it doesn’t amaze them and make them wonder how I could string words together so sad yet so beautiful at the same time. Now I’m stuck wondering if it ever did in the first place.

I was always told I was good at writing, and yet I was always scared to say the words out loud to others in fear that they would disagree. I loved the words I had written but I feared them. I felt them so deeply, but I never truly knew if it touched others in the same way they touched me. I would sit in wait while they read word after word analyzing their face and going over every single word they said after reading. Questioning if it was genuine, what they meant by what they said, if it was good enough or if they only said they enjoyed it because they loved me but not my words.

I feel so much stress in the past weeks and I have desperately wanted to put my feelings into these pages, but I feel as though I don’t know how anymore. It used to be so easy. I hold back words stuck in my head because if I wrote them all I would have to hide them away and be unable to share them with everyone, all I want to is to give everyone around me my words. They are what make me. I have always felt one in the same with my writing and now I feel so disconnected from it. It’s almost painful. You know, it really is painful. It feels strange to say that I feel pain from the inability to write but it is so much of who I am that I feel as though I have lost myself. Some days it feels like I am me again, but it never lasts. It always fades away. I should be happy right now. I have an amazing family, friends, fiancé, so why do I still feel like this? I feel anger towards myself for not just being happy, but this only feeds my disconnection from myself.

I have gained so much, so why can I only focus on what I have lost? Some days I think I’m over losing her. Even at my engagement I didn’t hurt that she wasn’t there I was only enwrapped in pure joy of those who were there. I sit and I think now of the times I spoke with her of that day, the planning for it, she was supposed to be a part of it all. I have no regrets of those who are a part of it, for the amazing woman that is my maid of honor. I wouldn’t change a thing, but my mind still drifts towards her and wishes that I could at least tell her. I always envisioned her face when she found out, the joy and happiness she would have for us both. Now I wonder even if I could tell her if she would feel joy at all. I wonder if she thinks about me when I think of her so very often. I wonder if when she does think of me if they are kind or spiteful thoughts. I hate to admit it, but I find myself thinking of both when my mind drifts to her.

I see myself rambling in words, no direction or grand purpose. I hate myself for feeling as though I need a reason to write. It feels like my mind is running out of things to say that will matter at all. I dreamt of writing a book, and still do, but I feel now as if I don’t have enough purpose for my words to ever accomplish my dream. I feel stuck, yet life is propelling me forward. I copy words from my past in an attempt to make those reading feel as they did then. It’s not the same anymore, and I only wonder now if it ever will be.

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 3 years

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Forgiving of Being Alone

Learning to be by yourself is hard.

Honestly, hard is an understatement.

Forcing yourself to be comfortable in your own company can sometimes feel impossible.

Right now, it feels like I’m trying to climb mount Everest without anything to keep me from falling.

Being alone allows thoughts to flow through you that wouldn’t come up when surrounded by others.

It brings up an insurmountable wave of emotions, with no lifejacket to keep you afloat.

The ricochet of your own torturous thoughts succumb over your body and mind, drowning you.

Scrambling to meet the surface yet again, looking for answers to questions concealed and buried away plunge you to the ocean floor, the weight tying you down. The only key to release yourself to breathe again is to face your avoidant truths.

Being alone forces you to release the interworking’s of your mind that you hide from, avoid, burry away from others and even yourself.

You are constrained by the candor of your past. You are not meant to defeat your own awareness of pain but to confront it and accept it.

Learn to understand it, and yourself, is the only way to be free of the misery that holds you back from the true knowledge and awareness of who you are.

Being alone is confronting. Bitter. Harsh. There is no longer a place to hide. We often fight with our own minds, seeing this trauma as a battle to be won. But your past, the person that you were then isn’t someone to fight off but someone to forgive.

The embodiment of who you were paved the way for you who you are now. You mustn’t fight them but allow your past to join you. Forgive them and separate the pain you were given then from the person that received it. You cannot connect yourself with the pain that has been brought upon you.

The former you begs for your forgiveness, and to be exempt from what was unwillingly bound to them by those who generated the pain that was sought on to you.

Be the person to yourself that you needed then. In this you will find the fulfillment of being alone once again.

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 3 years

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Not Drowning, Sinking.

I feel nothing.

So many words repeated out of me again and again.

Words are my safe space. Where I go when I have nothing left.

Now it feels like they’ve left me, too.

The irony of writing this as I feel there is nothing left to say sinks inside me.

I no longer feel like I’m drowning. When you’re drowning, you fight for your life. You feel the water swell in your lungs and you push with everything in you to make it back to the surface.

I’m not fighting anymore. I lay still in the water that surrounds me inside and out. No air. Just floating in the depths of my own mind. Sinking.

When I lose my words, it isn’t just in here. On paper. On the tips of my fingers. It’s outside too.

I want someone to notice. But, when they ask, an array of excuses spit out of me.

“I’m just tired”

“It’s been a long week”

Whatever I can come up with to get those around me off the sent of my melancholy.

I can see the surface. The sun peaking in through the water. But I’m no longer cunning to reach it. I just watch as I let myself sink to the bottom, again.

No longer drowning, no longer fighting, absorbed into the dark of the sea without anyone ever knowing I was swimming in the first place.

I have no words left, as I write this, I sink.

#sinking #poetry #writing #writer #poet #poem #sad #depressed #nothing #left #gone #excuses #words #irony #giving up #water #swimming #drowning #lies #hurt

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 3 years

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You Knew.

I can feel it with me again.

The burden. The hurt. Past repeating itself to come for my already torn heart yet again.

The memories. I thought I was past them, I thought I made it to the other side. But when you left the waves came crashing right back drowning me in my own thoughts.

Junior Year. One of the worst years of my life. E was there, we were so close. Inseparable. I was with her all the time; we did everything together. Then came prom. Everything changed that day.

Suddenly E was gone. Disappeared from my life without a trace. It was like she was never there at all. There were others, I tried to stay close to them, but E ruined me. She took everything from me. Once she left, she took everyone with her, and I had no one.

I thought I met someone true and good in that moment. When I thought I had nothing else I found Him. He was good, at first. We were good. I felt like I could be happy again. With Him came friends again, people whom I loved, and I thought loved me. But I was nothing to them. When He and I came crashing down the people who were supposed to love me and be there for me betrayed me. Left be behind in the dust like I was never there in the first place.

I felt so forsaken. Taken from my own. Left on edge for days while He decided if he wanted to be with me or not. Until it happened.

“I don’t love you anymore.”

The pain wretched through me for months. I never thought it would end. I thought I could never trust anyone again.

There was one. J. An old friend, coming back up. I thought if I focused on that hard enough my scars wouldn’t burn so much. So often. A continuous heat of pain, anger, sadness, all in one. J helped me see I could live life without Him. Even when I thought I couldn’t do it anymore, when I was ready to swallow every pill I had so I could escape the chasm I was trapped under.

He saved me, then he destroyed me. He made me feel like I was on top of the world. I was so unsure, terrified to get too close. But I did. So close I was burned to pieces yet again. Not by another person this time, but by his work. I never was and never would be more important to him then that fucking job.

I thought I was done for. I thought it was over. I had nothing left. Then you, my Glo came along. You showed me light, and laughter, and growth. You showed me how to move on and be me again. You showed me every beautiful and hidden part of you and didn’t flinch when I did the same.

Our souls connected on a level I’m still not able to understand. You were my person, my best friend, and you promised. You said you would never leave. Even after I opened my chamber of horrors and fled them onto you, you stayed. Even after lies and mistakes you stayed.

We separated, for a time. I never thought it would come to this. We talked about everything, every last damn thing.

I gave everything to you that I had but it was never enough, was it?

I gave you my words, the only thing that keeps me together, but they weren’t enough for you. I tried to explain my actions, there was just no time, I wasn’t leaving you behind. I never wanted this.

I thought we were moving forward. I thought we fixed it. But then you disappeared like everyone else.

You knew.

You knew what they had done to me. You knew how hurt and ashamed I was, my biggest and only fear was losing those I love. You brought my fear right to me. Screamed it at me as you left. Yet, I had no Idea your last words were goodbye.

You dissipated into the air. Gone within seconds. Years of love, trust, giving, and you just walk away?

I never wanted this.

The hurt this brings me is so much more than any past I have endured, I would go through it all again just to have you back.

You knew. You still left.

No explanation. No goodbye. You were just gone.

The hole you left will never be filled, the light and heaven you brought into me can never be held by another person.

I feel empty.

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 3 years

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Love

Something I once thought was hopeless, yet endless, at the same time.

A once hopeless romantic, I thought love appeared and laid itself out like a movie on a screen. Beautiful, perfect, a happy ending.

Those feelings left after being broken time and time again. Giving all that I was to those whom I thought loves me, when they didn’t. I was so in love, or so I thought.

When I met you I was scared. Terrified to trust, to give myself to another person in fear you would walk away just like the rest. But you didn’t.

It took time. Hours, days, months even. Just for me to crack my door open for you, to show you what past I held behind it and how it changed me. But you changed me.

In the most beautiful way possible.

Even when you heard the screams and terror of what was held behind the door to my past you didn’t run away, you ran into the door. Pushed past every trauma, every heart break, and made your way into my heart.

You held it ever so gently, so afraid to break it with all of it cracks and repairs. But slowly you mended those cracks, and brought it back to life.

The feeling of love I thought I had lost and would never find again suddenly filled me and I felt truly loved for the first time in my life.

Through all that I am, all that I have become, you have been here and you have never turned away. I see you, all of you, and I’m not scared to hold on to your heart as you do mine.

I will care for it, keep it safe, and fill it with the same love you fill me with. Endlessly, hopelessly, in love with all of you.

You are my true happiness, something I never thought I would find, and I will never loose.

I love you forever, thank you for loving me, too.

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 3 years

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Her, and The Weighted Blanket

I can feel it setting in again. Pushing into the pores of my skin. Seeping through the sutures of my skull. Filling every line of my brain, every vein in my body, the burden of sorrow suffocating my heart with every beat.

There is almost comfort in it. A weighted blanket shoved away, hidden, I thought for good this time. It encompasses me.

I thought I was getting better. It felt good to be me again. I was meeting myself for the first time again since the conscious of who I was before this illness set in for years to come. Finally seeing myself without the constant strain to find happiness and joy in everything that surrounds me. The tightness in my chest finally appeased, the hidden voice screaming through my brain into every decision and thought was dimmed away.

Its back now.

A time of a new me felt like mere seconds. A passerby of a life I would never truly get to live. Pain and resentment and anger reside profoundly into the abyss of my soul.

Me, a small child, full of hope and happiness screams for a way out. Scratching and scraping at the walls my mind has built to keep it away deep inside to never be released again. Fear sets in that it will be demolished over into fractured pieces held together by hope but never the same as it was when it was created.

I wanted to meet her. The sweet feisty child that came into this life, wide eyed and ready to take on anything the world had to offer her. She laughed so loud as to fill a stadium. She saw adventure in everything, determined to learn every cog in the machine that made the world run. Curiosity filled her and provoked her to always keep pushing on. Love radiated from her and sunk into every single person around her. All she ever wanted was to search to the worlds end and beyond, and to give and to love every person she met along the way. I have lost her. All I wanted was to have her back again.

She dug through the walls. Scrounged her way out from the confinement of misery brought onto her by those whom she loved, and who she thought loved her. Finally, the glimpse of light hit her eyes again and she could finally be free to explore the world and encompass everything she touched with love.

But then, in an instant, an avalanche of fear reigned down onto her. Crushing her fragile bones. Tearing apart the strength she built to break through the confinement of her own mind. In seconds she was buried away again. Gone. I miss her.

Back again my body inches under the weighted blanket, it is filled with fear, pain, and tortured and grown by my own thoughts. Buried away in fear that He will come back. That He could take me, and I would never be seen again. The man might not have taken me physically that night, but he took her from me and I don’t know if I’ll ever get her back.

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 3 years

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Fear. Abduction. Rape. Murder. *TW*

These words have been pounded into my mind since I was only a child.

6th grade. I got a phone, to enjoy? To talk to my friends? To keep me safe.

I walked back with my friend to her house everyday, I had my phone to let my parents know I made it safe. I was only in 6th grade, yet my life was already in danger soley for being a girl.

No one knew I had already been stripped of my innocence, my body, my mind.

5th grade. Molested by the man who was supposed to take care of me. Manipulated into sickening thoughts that I was the one who wanted this. This is normal. There is nothing wrong with this. Thoughts I believed for so long in fear that it truly was my fault.

9th grade. Groomed by upperclassmen telling me that I was just “Mature for my age”. That other women didn’t understand them, but I, oh I a 15 year old girl did understand. Told that I was the only one, I was special, pushing me further in their trap to later be devoured by their disgusting need to prey on children. To see my body. To abuse my innocence into thinking this was okay. When others found out what had happened, they didn’t blame him. They didn’t point fingers at the 19 year old seeping into a 15 year old child. No. They blamed me. He told me it was just me, but he had a girlfriend his age. I didn’t know. They accused me of being a cheater. I ruined His life. I tore Them apart. I was threatened to stay away, looked down on. I was just a child. He, an adult. Yet I was the one to blame.

10th grade. I met my brother's friend. He was 22, I was 16. He was so nice to me. I loved talking to him. We would stay up until 3am speaking over the phone together about anything and everything.

I - “I’ll wait for you”

He - “Someday”

He always said we could never meet in person. That he didn’t know if he would be able to hold back around me, at the time I was so mad and I desperately wanted to see him. I am now sickened by the thought of what would have happened if I did.

We fell apart, and never spoke again.

12th grade. I had a falling out with my friends. I had no one left. Except him. He was a year younger than me, we worked together. Friends for months, then something more. He was so understanding in the beginning. Understood that after the fraughtful day I lost my virginity that I wasn’t ready to have intercourse for a long time. He waited, 6 months together, I was ready, and so was he. It was perfect.

One year down the road. He desperately wants to move out of his parents house. I have college housing fully paid for, I wasn’t ready to live together yet. That didn’t matter. I stared at the papers signing away a year of my life to rent, to a home, to living with someone I wasn’t sure I was ready to live with. The fear of losing him was greater. I signed the papers.

It was good at first, until he truly saw how my mental health affected me every single day. He couldn’t handle it. I tried to go to therapy, for him, so I could be better. It didn’t make me better. We started to have intercourse less and less. It was too much for me. He couldn’t handle it. He would get so angry at me. Resent me for days on end. I asked him to do more for me in the beginning to set the mood. He refused.

“It will make you feel better”

“You’ll like it once it starts”

“Just try it, I need it”

I eventually started to just give in. Time and time again, I wouldn’t want to, he would beg or begin to become upset with me, so I would just let him so it would be over with.

4 Days Ago, 2am. I was at a party with my friends. We were intoxicated on various substances. I started to get hungry and order food to the house. It was 2am when the food arrived. The man driving was strange, couldn’t find the correct house and kept pulling into various driveways. Everyone was outside so I decided to just go get it myself. He talked in circles, and estranged sentences. I just wanted my food so I didn’t think anything of it. I gave him a tip and walked back to the house.

4 Days Ago, 3am. Most everyone was inside at this point, but I needed air so I stepped outside and sat on the back of my friend's car just cooling off and staring at the ground. My partner, up on the porch with one of our friends keeping an eye on me. I hear my name called. I look forward and a car is fiercely and swiftly backing up directly in front of me where I appear to be alone. Panic set in through my entire body. I ran up the stairs to the house as the man proceeded to get out of his car and attempt to follow me. It was the man that delivered my food over an hour ago. My partner and our friend walk down the stairs to stop him from coming any further, and demand to know why he was there. He talks in circles and can barely seem to provide a reason as to why he came back. The order was wrong. I didn’t file a complaint, it was an hour later, he no longer is allowed access to the address after the order is delivered. He kept asking for me.

“Is she up there on the porch?”

“Is she still here?”

“Can she come down here? I just want to apologize.”

Why would he come back here?

You see horror stories on the news, girls abducted, raped, murdered. You never think its going to happen to you. Until it almost does.

So many thoughts race through my mind since the incident only a few days prior. Societies blame sets into my skull. I shouldn’t have been outside at night. I shouldn’t have left myself vulnerable. He was just “Being nice”. Maybe he “Just wanted to get to know me”.

He should have never come back.

I should be able to sit outside by myself, at night, with my friends. I should be able to refuse to see people without being considered rude. I should be able to say no. I shouldn’t be blaming myself for nearly getting abducted. But society forces me to question myself. I relive every second and every moment of the incident every single day since it happened. I fear for my life as I walk to my car less than 10 feet away after work at night. I constantly search around me for his car. His face. I’m not even in the same town as the incident and it still haunts me.

I force myself to download safety apps. I order self defense keychains and enroll in kickboxing classes. I reported him to his work, to the police, and yet I still feel so unsafe at all times. I fear that he is still out there. I fear that some other innocent woman will order food, and she won’t have people around her to save her as they did me.

Fear. Abduction. Rape. Murder.

These words will never leave my mind and are forever printed on every action and choice I make going out into the world. Yet, those who cause these thoughts and fears still walk free.

I just want to feel safe again one day.

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 3 years

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Neurodivergent Friendly

If you guys want a more neurodivergent friendly version of “You Decide What I Deserve 1″ So it’s easier to read let me know! I have multiple versions and I have no problem posting one without the spacing! Thanks everyone!

#neurodivergent #safe #friendly #options #writing #posts #thank you

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 3 years

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You Decide What I Deserve 2

All I wanted was to be there.

To even feel like either of you even remotely wanted me to be there. I was told there wasn’t even a chance that we could go because it wasn’t safe.

So I focused on what I thought I could control but little did I know when the time came around where safety no longer stopped you from running off again without me you would take it in a heartbeat.

The deal we made no longer meant anything to you so long as you got to go. It was never about me getting to be free to see him it was only ever about you and will always only ever be about you.

But I can’t tell you that, can I? I get bombarded with reasons to why it is my own fault I get to suffer here, and why you deserve this. Why I will never deserve what you have gotten yourself time and time again.

I thought maybe, just maybe it would be different this time. You came to me this time, pretended like you would help me so I could finally come along. It was only the guilt of my anger from you running off without a single consideration of me last time that even forced you to come to me. When the minute came that you got to go any thoughts of my lingering in you fled. You never gave a shit whether or not I got to go.

I deserve to wait, and not know when I’ll see him.

I deserve to stay behind.

I deserve to wonder if he even misses me.

Right?

#poetry #writing #my writing #decide #what I deserve #you decide #mother #family #brother #hurt #care #don't feel #stopped you #deal #broken #never cared #right?

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 3 years

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You Decide What I Deserve 1

Your simple-minded words pierce my skull.

“I Deserved This.”

“I Worked For This”

How was I supposed to?

Barely an adult,

schooling full time

barely making it by as it is.

Was I supposed to work 3 jobs and have 16 credit hours and have perfect grades in order to

Deserve To Go?

What do I need to do in order to deserve to see my own family?

My own brother?

Whom I haven’t seen in

2

fucking

years.

Oh well it’ll almost be 3 now.

But he’s coming back in August,

right?

Which isn’t that far away

right?

But you can’t

possibly

wait that long.

You can’t wait over a year to see your son.

But I have to wait almost 3?

Because I didn’t do enough to DESERVE to see my own family?

My family that was

ripped

away

from

me

when I was a

child?

The family that was

hidden

from me my entire life?

Is that not enough to deserve to see him?

My

Own

Brother?

Does he even

care

that I can’t be there?

You-guys-are-so-connected-to-each-other

and

you

S

P

E

W

out words that say the same about me but treat me like some

background

character

that is only talked to when

convenient

for the both of you.

You’re so

enwrapped

in seeing each other that neither of you give a

fuck

about

seeing

me.

Spending time with

me.

Your words speak

w

o

n

d

�� e

r

s

about the

love?

you have for me,

but your actions despise me and

turn me away.

You had your whole lives together.

To be

a

perfect

family

even when everything around was

falling

apart.

I wasn’t there.

for the

B

R

E

A

K

I

N

G

and

the

struggle

of it all,

does that mean that I’ll never have the c-o-n-n-e-c-t-i-o-n you two have?

Constantly I am outcasted by memories that lack me.

Memories that shine brighter than when I am with you.

I have never felt

enough

in

anything

and my

family

was supposed to

be my

enough

But it never feels that way anymore.

I am so

sick

and

tired

of feeling like I have not

tried enough

or cared enough

or done enough

or haven’t been around

long enough

to mean to you two what you mean to each other.

No matter how hard I

try

and

bargain

for a spot in your hearts as

big

as yours it never seems to

wedge

its way

into place.

I critique my

every move

every decision

asking myself what I could have done

differently?

to

deserve

a spot in his life

like you have.

I torture myself with

what ifs

and

not good enough

until my face turns blue,

and I have nothing left to scream out

I stare out as the both of you stroll carelessly through the beauty around you.

Soft oceans breeze,

the warm sun,

matching art to display on your bodies,

nothing but

happiness and love.

I sit, sick,

barely able to move,

watching you rub into my sores the lemons life has given you.

#poetry #writing #my writing #family #mother #brother #outcast #hurt #kept away #hidden #what if #not good enough #despise #me #you decide #deserve #what I deserve

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 3 years

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Mistakes

Will I ever be anything more to you then the mistakes that have built my life to now? You call and scream and mutilate the image of myself I desperately try and fix.

I just want to make you happy. I want your love. I want you to hold me. You’re supposed to take care of me. When I imagined finally having you back, I never thought it would look like this.

You were supposed to show me what it was to be woman. I looked up to you. You were everything I wanted to be and more. Now all I feel is hate for myself because of the words you throw at me no matter what decision I make. I can’t do anything without ruining myself in your eyes.

I love you more than anything in this life. You were supposed to take care of me. I needed you. I still need you every single day of my life.

I can no longer go to you without fear of retribution. You tell me you’re disappointed in me because I couldn’t come to you, release the monsters in my brain onto you, but when I do you send the monsters back and tell me it’s my fault they’re there.

You have a battleship and an entire army to defend you but can’t sacrifice any of them to save me from my own war. All I want is to feel like you love me again. I want to feel the warmth of your protection around me. I want you to hold me while I cry into your arms and protect me from the world. I want to feel like you love me.

You have destroyed my own self-respect and tear me down for not having any. I hate who I am in your eyes and it feels unfixable. I feel as though I will never be good enough in your eyes.

No matter how hard I try, I scrap, and I struggle to be the person you want me to be and I can’t do it. I’ll never be the favorite child. I’ll never be good enough for you.

Maybe I wouldn’t do this to myself if I felt like I could trust you. Confide in you. If maybe your fucking fiancé didn’t tell me I don’t deserve what you do for me. That he wouldn’t help me anymore if he was my mother.

Why do you even bother trying to help me? If I’m such a fuck up why not just let me ruin my own life? If my life is so bad and my decisions are worse, just let me fucking be. I can’t keep killing myself for you.

You were everything I looked up to and I prayed every day for you to come back into my life after I was ripped away from you and now you destroy me every single goddamn day.

You’ve ripped away everything I am. Are you happy yet?

You never will be.

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 3 years

Text

Let Me Leave

I forced myself to show up.

I came, and watched, I tried to listen.

But, every movement is a burden on my body. Every word I am forced to speak is a scratching, clawing, pain forcing it’s way out of my throat.

I thought I could come today.

I thought I could listen and understand and learn but I cannot do this.

I feel eyes on me as I make my way out of the room. Suspicious, confused, annoyed.

I feel those things towards myself also.

Being here feels impossible. Pretending like I’m fine and ready hurts. It goes against every fiber of my being. I don’t want to exist today.

I thought I could do this. I wanted to do this. If I tell them why I cannot will they even believe me?

I hear myself spout excuses. I can’t stand to be like this and blame it on the chaos that reins my mind. They tell me to push through, but they don’t understand that what I am pushing is a hundred tons of trauma and hurt snd self hatred. They don’t understand how heavy this is. They will never understand how impossible it feels to exist right now.

I want to leave but fear surrounds me in what they will say if I walk out. I can’t let go of the thoughts of others that may not even exist. I just want to let go.

Why won’t my mind ever let me leave?

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 3 years

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Journal Entry 31st of January

Nothing seems real now. I’ve started semester over for a third time, a second time since changing my major. This is my last shot.

It feels as though everyone has come to me in an array of hurt that I have caused. That I have only harmed those around me instead of helped. My best friend came to me and presented me with my wrong doings, things I knew but avoided in hopes she wouldn’t know. Praying she wouldn’t confront me.

Then She Did.

It hurt immensely seeing that someone I love more than anything in this world was hurt by me. Seeing that I had made her feel as though she wasn’t as important to me as I tell her. I wanted to scream.

Scream in agony.

Scream in sorrow.

Scream at her that I did love her so, that she is and always will be my number one.

Scream at her that I was sorry.

I hurt my partner too. In the midst of anxiety, I was overwhelmed, frustrated and uttered a fraise so hurtful that my body ached the second it left my lips.

I knew what I had done. I knew it wasn’t true. But I said it, to his face, and hurt him so badly it would occupy his mind for days and weeks to come.

I pained him into tears, then anger. First the anger was at me, then himself. I felt even worse knowing he would blame himself for what I had said.

My world is tearing at the seams, I am being pulled into a million different directions in an attempt to please everyone but myself. I want to give myself to all of them but then what will I have left to finish what I have already started.

School is supposed to be number one, but I don’t even know that I am making it number one for myself. My Mom pushes me so hard, but I know it is out of love and her want for me to succeed. I am trying. So, so, fucking hard.

For her, for my best friend, for my partner. Why can I always try so hard for them but never myself? I never seem to find a reason to fight for myself. To push myself to live, but only for me. Those who surround me and love me are the only thing keeping me here. Every day is a constant struggle to live and give myself to others when I have nothing to give to myself.

A constant ache has found a home in the depths of my chest. My mind feels heavy and keeps me in bed, for hours, even days, while simultaneously screaming at me to get up and accomplish something. I feel like a burden to those around me. I drag everyone behind. When I try to let them be free I am then left behind over things I cannot control. I just want to be with everyone, feel the joy and serenity of spending time with those I love without feeling like I’m sucking everyone down the hole of my mind in the process. Limiting everyone back from places of enjoyment because I cannot join, they claim they don’t mind adjusting for me, but I know they would rather be elsewhere and leave me behind.

I just want the hurt to stop. I want my mind to stop constantly attacking me and screaming at me that everyone’s lives would be easier without me in it. Telling me that I am keeping them from their true potential. That everything I do is holding them back from them being free and happy.

I wanted so badly to be able to write again. But I never wanted this pain again that brings on the words people might actually read. It’s never good enough when I’m happy. When I’m okay. The sweet words that flood their mind with emotions don’t touch them unless it is my pain that wrote it for them. It hurts now almost as much as it did then.

#journal entry #31st #hurt #I hurt them #pain #pain is back #writing #writing again #sweet words #mind is heavy #everyone #held back #left behind #best friend #partner #poetry

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story-of-a-sunflower-world · 3 years

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Chaos

I don’t really know what to say anymore. I used to have words, but now it feels impossible to find what I’m trying to say. I feel a pressure on my chest. My stomach swirls.

“What If’s” press against the sutures of my skull.

My body refuses to settle, when all I want is sleep. I avoid those whom I love yet all I want is for them to hold me. I want pressure. To feel the pressure of someone else’s skin against mine.

I want to listen to his heartbeat and sooth away my thoughts to the rhythm. His presence calms me and gives me ease when everything surrounding me only brings terror and heart ache.

I want to breath.

I want to take in fresh air without a weight atop my lungs. I want to rest.

I can feel my heart beating hard in my chest as I try and release the mechanisms in my mind that hold me from sleep.

I used to have better words then this. This is chaos. This is an ensemble that can’t find its tempo. Wrong notes squeaking out every other word. Entrances too late and too early. A beginning that starts soft and ending no one can find. Chaos. Just like my mind.

#writing #chaos #poetry #sad #hurt #breath #chest #heart #beating #ensamble #ending #mind #words

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