sunshinexlollipops - Tumblr blog

sunshinexlollipops · 4 hours

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honestly read this or don't IDC but I'm ranting about my job bc I'm over it...

so I found out yesterday that instead of leaving in another week, I have 3 days left and my final day at work is Friday. they surprised me when I asked what day was my final one, and dropped the news. altogether, grateful I am leaving that place ATP. I felt regret at first and like I "ruined" my opportunity there— I liked the insurance, the wage, the hour lunch— but the attitude to disabled employees there? wow. I have one coworker who is already aligning his exit plan to quit, and the other I had to tell the store manager about when giving my 2 week. and that's bc the department was saying this person doesn't know how to properly do their job, and they were saying he was fucking over the department. instead of being productive and saying something to this person or management, they sat on it and complained about things going wrong/mistakes being made, and only built up their frustrations. they did all this, with some even knowing this worker has an intellectual disability, btw. I myself experienced a microaggression. which is an odd word until you go through it and realize wow, okay. THAT is what they mean, bc I was helping a coworker w items they brought into my aisle that I was working to try and get done before truck came in. I go to help after finishing w my stuff, and I help get every item but the last one for the aisle. why? bc I try to lift it and realize I can't. it's too heavy and it's put me in pain. I tell my worker that I cannot get that one box of product, but I'm willing to take MULTIPLE they have in their cart to their respective aisles. instead of agreeing or being amicable, my coworker proceeds to walk up to me, place their forearm adjacent to mine and say "hm, I don't think I see a difference, do you?" essentially trying to say there shouldn't be a reason I can't lift this. I haven't spoken much on here about my health troubles but I've had to wear braces at work on top of having various medical issues, like potentially having a brain tumor (a prolactinoma specifically, iykyk). this was really mortifying on top of frustrating, and I found that management either holds my hand like a babe who is incapable of independence and trust, or they would doubt me and I'd have to explain/defend myself.

in this world, there's no such thing as just getting to say, "I'm disabled." people will demand to know why/how you are, and even if you're not comfortable sharing your medical history, you quickly discover that if you don't expose details or a brace on your ankle, that people will be hostile and take what you said like a personal offense. and to make matters worse, you have to do this...with every...single...employee.

management? oh God, good fucking luck! when calling to set myself up after my store transfer, I asked my dept manager about accommodations for disability. they immediately told me "idk you'll have to talk to the store manager about that." clearly an oversight given he looks after 2 disabled employees (and these ranges from intellectual, mental health, and physical limitations). that's before I even get in the mix! but also, bc I had a lead give me critiques...on things my disabilities affect or outright cause. like only when you're disabled will you be told your spatial awareness is a problem they want you to work on.. or even when you clearly walk w a limp, you have talked to the assistant store manager about how you have braces and struggled at your last store bc your break room was upstairs, that one of his team will complain about your speed. even when they also admit you're new and 1 week into being there, and are just learning where things are to boot. I wasn't even given a chance to adjust or settle in before I was told I needed to amp it up.

I've felt like despite trying my hardest, going in on 2-3hrs of sleep for the last month and several weeks of my life, offering up overt kindness to everyone, and going out of my way to make up for my disabilities...it wasn't good enough. and when I started having panic attacks at work and home, several times a week or even waking up into them, I was doing more physical work during my shift than some managers, and was still told it wasn't enough. after this and being treated in the way I was? AND seeing it happen to my disabled coworkers? I def wanted to leave and knew I had to.

but the company's reddit online? garbage. went to complain on there and it was an epic failure. esp my first post. I attempted w my second to give that context + give updates, and people then complained about the length and acted like it was the biggest offense, as if I hadn't been told vile things when they weren't offered all of that before. and I wasn't allowed to be frustrated w their responses as people still treated me poorly when I explained the energy I received on my last one.

while in the 1st post, people shat on me for not giving every detail (once again see: you must appease everyone and validate yourself for them when disabled) about things/myself, many came after me for saying I am continuing to pursue SSDI, as I thought I needed to put in my 2 week that morning and that it was my exit plan.

I got comments saying I was a miserable person, clearly lazy and skirting responsibilities, and that the reason I was being treated this way is that I deserved it and my coworkers hated me. it carried into my job, but also just made me feel so much shame about trying my hand at work again, and being disabled overall.

after this, I've had major knocks to my confidence. both as what I can amount to as an employee, but because right now, SSDI is what I have to pursue, and I feel guilty about it. many on my post said I tried to do a bad job to survive off unemployment (be fucking fr), or I just gave up so I could be a leech w disability.

(that being said, there were some on both posts who were supportive and got it, and shout-out to those people bc omfg, it would've been all hate otherwise.)

it's clear that so many people who hate on SSDI users don't even understand that system and how BULLSHIT it is. in this day and age, for many manage to get disability, you've had to prove yourself like you've said the earth is fucking flat to do so.

I'm lucky that I've gotten in contact w a specified lawyer for SSDI, and I've been told that I have a good chance at winning. I've been stuck in appeals since Sept w nothing from SS. altogether, going to docs for years/having records of my panic attacks seems to be the leg we are standing on, amongst other supports. I'm just waiting to hear back and to file the official paperwork.

this lawyer informed me they have a tally at the beginning of the year, one for cases they don't take, and one for the cases they do. rejections were totaled at over 80 cases. for me? I'm his 18th case. I cried over the phone bc for the first time in years, someone who actually works w this system, aside from some of my providers, has told me "yes, you need this." and I felt so validated.

but I could also only cry for how my time at this job has gone. the treatment and judgement I've faced, the hostility, discrimination, etc... I thought of those reddit comments, and knew this was the direction I needed to be in, bc that behavior was coming from people who also originate from this company. there was so much shame for their own emotions and lack of understanding, and I was tired of having to deal w my problems on top of how they felt about them.

I'm just tired. literally and in other ways, too. I'm very happy to be gone in a few days, and as I said too, I've lost the regret and guilt I had about quitting as I have. even w the perks of this job, being confronted as I was and forced to endure the situations I was put in was not it.

wildly enough, my coworkers, even the one who compared our arms, are sad/bummed I'm leaving. I've been told I've done good work, that I'm a great addition, or people are genuinely not wanting me to leave. it's just wild bc you can tell they haven't even registered how they make that place for people like me, or even acknowledging the way they personally acted toward me.

I'm ready to be done and move on w my life. but honestly, this is gonna stick w me a while. just needed to get this out here in an attempt to lessen how I feel about it and get some progress in moving on.

oof.

#personal #feel free to read or dont lmao #disabled #disability

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sunshinexlollipops · 11 hours

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