i say "godspeed, soldier" way too much for someone who puts their faith in neither god nor the military
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i think the reason why the assassination of Julius Caesar is one of the funniest political assassinations is for this very simple reason:
1 guy stabs 1 guy: not funny. that's murder.
2 guys stab 1 guy: even less funny. that's two against one.
60 guys stab 1 guy: uproariously funny. why do you need so many guys.
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meeee
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can someone hire me as a lighthouse keeper. my grip on reality is soooo stable and i will behave so normally under conditions of extreme isolation. and i promise i wont try to fuck the light
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Little old Italian lady: Do you have zucchini?
Me: Yes, right here.
Lady: Is how much?
Me: $2.99 a pound.
Lady: It's usually $1.49.
Me: Yes, in the summer.
Lady, pauses, then grabs two: I put it in a soup.
Me: Oh nice, what kind are you making?
Lady: You will not fantasize about my soup.
And then she walked away. "You will not fantasize about my soup" will be in my head forever. I love you, little old Italian lady.
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banned from the clock app for making too many alarms. you set too many alarms girl! banned from clock app.
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i wanna read cringey one direction books on wattpad with absurd titles again (i’m looking at you “Why is One Direction Hiding Behind the Sofa”)
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please be patient with me im from the 1900s
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i love giving people directions without street names. like “yeah just turn left at the burned down wendy’s you can’t miss it”
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It is ridiculous how much grocery prices have increased
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Okay, this never happens. I just sat down for a solid 3 and a half hours and wrote a fic from start to end in a draft format that closely resembles mid-draft as opposed to first draft. My concentration never wavered.
I’m afraid
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