svetloona

[svetloona]

you don’t make me want to write

i remember back then i took note of this quote;

“i only write when i am falling in love, or falling apart.” 

it resonated with me that much that i used it as my bio in one of my social media sites.

and it actually came true for me. 

see, these past few years, i only wrote about stuff whenever i am falling apart... 

love is, after all, not something that i always feel.

falling in love, specifically at that.

until there came you, my love.

admittedly, i got confused at first. a lot, may i add. 

as to why i can’t write about you.

heck, i can’t even have the motivation to write about you on my journal.

but i realized... that’s probably because you don’t make me want to write.

instead, you make me want to stay. 

you make me want to enjoy the time i have with you to the point where i can just watch and hangout with you until i forget to write about it on my journal.

you make me want to forget things i usually worry for because i just want to be with you.

i just want to stay with you. 

it seems so simple but God knows how much i mean, my love.

you make me want to stay, miro. in this world. in this lifetime. in this love... with you.

thank you for coming into my life and proving it to me that this love is indeed what i’ve always looked for. 

i just went ahead and looked for it on the wrong places. 

until now, where i’ve finally found you.

[svetloona]

i found a new love.

he makes me feel like a beamed on dancing daisy in the middle of summer, under the cool morning sun on the outskirts of a summer field. and he calls me that too—daisy.

as you can see, daisy is loved. daisy is treasured. in plant terms, watered down well up until her very roots. daisy is... finally happy.

she’s so happy she’s scared. daisy compares herself still. doubts her love still. what if he finds another? a prettier flower? why did he choose her? when he already loved someone prettier than her?

daisy never really had a thing for flowers until she was called one. never had a specific type either but when he called me his, all i wanted to be was his type of flower.

i’m so scared that he’d find his daisy only as pretty in 380p. because i havent met him beyond HD... and i’m at this point in my life where i still think that once he sees me beyond it, he won’t really like what he’d see.

im working on it though. wish me luck.

[svetloona]

The art of locations from Laputa Castle In The Sky - Dir. Hayao Miyazaki (1986)

[svetloona]

“I used to think that I could never lose anyone if I photographed them enough. In fact, my pictures show me how much I’ve lost.”

— Nan Goldin

[svetloona]

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”

— Stephen Chbosky

[svetloona]

“I am in love, that’s enough: I feel generous, holy, human, trembling,”

— Jules Laforgue, tr. by William Jay Smith, from Poems; “Thunderbolt,”

[svetloona]

the worlds been heavy lately but im carrying it anyway. i hope youre doing okay wherever and whoever you are. mostly, i just wanted to say im sorry about all the rain. i hope every sky opens up. i love you. i hope your heart can make sense of at least some of this. we’re gonna be okay again someday. all of us i think. we’re gonna be okay.  

[svetloona]

my favorite part about the Moon is she’s there for me even when I’m not there for me

[svetloona]

originally thought i would post this on my instagram dump account but i guess this is too personal and i dont really want a lot of people to see

random post but here’s a short rant on how ive been feeling lately bc its noTHING BUT SHITTY. idek i am in such a slump and its not good bc once i am deep down in it, it LITERALLY affects everything in my life. my studies, friendships, relationships wt people & how i actually carry on wt my life. i’ve been slowly detaching myself from everything i have. and i shouldnt.

the thing is, im really trying whenever my loved ones ask whats up/ whats bothering me. i can’t tell them anything bc there’s nothing. there’s no one. i should just be okay but im not. and i feel like im failing my friends for simply not being there. for always being absent (literally & not). being incompetent. irresponsible. unmotivated. someone i am not. or maybe someone that i am? deep down? idek... but all i know is that im tired of feeling this way. i am discontented with what i am, what i have, and what i cant force my way to. i am discontented with everything. i feel like there’s something always lacking. and i tend to always look for it. but its not in my power. its not for me to decide, to force. its not me.

i can’t force my happiness because i know that i depended it on someone. and its a known fact that you can’t force a person. you can’t force love. you can’t force someone to love and like you back.

it hurts me to be on this exact same road again. exact same experience. it’s something that feels like it’s never ending. as if i can’t get out of it and it’ll just keep on returning.

but who am i kidding? who was i kidding? all of those hopeful daydreams about someone finally liking me back can’t all possibly come true... right? at this point, i’m actually losing hope. because it has never come true for me. i am really losing hope. no one i ever liked actually liked me back and its tiring. its making me question myself. why am i not likeable? why am i not this and that? just WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

i dont accept myself. i dont like myself in the littlest fucking bit. and it kills me. it pains me. i hate myself so much that it makes me incapable to live with the truth that no one has ever liked me back. i’ve turned 18 and i said a lot of bullshit before that once im at this age, i’m gonna be this and that. i’m gonna be who i actually want to be. and not this miserable piece of shit who still cries over the guy she’s liked ever since 11th grade who’s on his 5th girl now.

i am sorry if i failed you, younger self. i didn’t plan on writing to you at this miserable state. and i know you envisioned me writing something great & updating you about all the good things happening to you at this point. but this is reality. you’re not happy. you’re doing everything you can but you’re just not happy. you’re discontented and ungrateful. maybe i’ll come back with a better update.

maybe.

talk to you soon.

[svetloona]

friends

everyone thought we were together, everyone who saw us, watched us, hung out with us;

i remember them telling me one constant thing.

“he likes you.”

or asking me one constant question.

“are you guys together?”

and i used to get annoyed by the fact that a lot of people are asking me this, but not annoyed by the possibility of us.

until i knew that you didn’t like me back.

and that’s how i answered their question.

but then, this haunted me again today. the question haunted me. the possibility of us haunted me.

i relapsed. again.

you still mean a lot to me. i think my feelings didn’t change. i’m too stubborn to continue this but i can’t really do anything about it.

you still dont like me. i don’t think you’ll ever do.

but i still like you. and this time, i’ll try silencing it to make do.

[svetloona]

you still make me cry sometimes

i cry when i find myself going back to you

i cry when i try to stop myself from going back to you

i cry when i realize that i can run a thousand miles to you but it won’t ever mean a thing,

because i mean nothing to you.

[svetloona]

why do i keep on listening to this playlist that isn’t made for me?

[svetloona]

update

hi. i didn’t really write here for awhile but here i am.

i... confessed to niccolo and ended up getting rejected. again. but i didn’t write about it immediately. 

kinda surprising isn’t it? i know myself as a sad writer. the ones who only write when they’re falling apart. and maybe i was. or i wasn’t. who knows?

but niccolo wasn’t worth writing about, that i am sure of. he wasn’t worth every feeling i felt, every gift i sent, every butterflies in my stomach that fled. 

he wasn’t worth every bit of it. 

he was just someone that i ended up thinking of as my mystery boyfriend in every kdrama moment i dream about. when in fact, he wasn’t. he was far from it.

he was never that mystery boyfriend. never will be.

i was mistaken. again.

i hope the next time i write about a boy, he actually likes me back.

[svetloona]

realistic

I missed writing.

I never really ended up writing for a while now… when back then, all I ever thought was I’m going to end up writing for most of my days.

When now… every imagination or idea that pops up in my head, I think of them as shameful. Too hopeful. Too far from reality.

Basically, everything I wanted to come true that didn’t.

Now, I am too ashamed to live in my fantasy. I think I’m too realistic. I think I’m too hopeful. I think, and think, and think until I couldn’t and end up distracting myself from whatever I think of.

I missed writing. Every detail I would think of, every hopeful scenario I’d dream of… I miss every bit of it.

But sometimes, I think far. I think fair. I think… no. I think real.

I want to write about my fantasy, I really do.

But I’m afraid I’d get attached.

[svetloona]

Funny that I’m still writing about you. This wasn’t goodbye. This was my hope for goodbye.

But I wasn’t ready. So here am I.

To Niccolo,

Hi. I didn’t actually think that I’d be writing this right now. So bear with me if my thoughts are spilled all over the place or if I shift from one topic to another. (Because I’m so easily distracted. Lol)

But see… I actually tried to write this letter before. In hopes of you stalking my tumblr account. In hopes of you… actually caring enough to check this out. (Since I told you about this)

But that seemed wrong, doesn’t it? Because I only wrote it out of my desperation to let you to know.

Because if I was so desperate, then why couldn’t I just let you know? Why couldn’t I just straight up tell you?

… Why couldn’t I just confess?

I still don’t know the answer to that, apparently. I still cannot confess. No matter how much I try to. How much I want to.

That’s how much I fear losing you. Even as a friend. (Yes, I’m cliché like that. Ew)

Anyway… I’ve noticed that every time I wrote about you in here, I never really mentioned your name.

And this is actually the first time that I will.

I hope it’ll be the last time too but I doubt it. Haha.

See… I didn’t actually think this through. I don’t even know what to write since I feel like I am not completely over this yet.

I only write when I know I am over something. And you can actually see it in the way I write it. (Since it’s all so organized… and easy to read haha)

But right now, I’m just writing to let this all out. Let what I feel… all out.

Because I cannot confess to you. I cannot “let this all out” to you.

I’d be losing you if I do so. And I don’t want that.

I should be content with being your friend. Because in that way, I wouldn’t lose you. I wouldn’t be awkward. And the most important of all?

We wouldn’t be ruined. (By we, I mean you and I. As friends.)

Awhile ago, I actually tried writing you a note. I wrote it in this ¼ piece of paper and I planned to leave it inside your notebook. I actually did so but I removed it afterwards.

I know I wasn’t ready. I know I wasn’t supposed to do it.

Anyway… I’ll try my best to write this as if I am already over you. And in order to do so, I must start from how I realized I had feelings for you.

Let’s start with tenth grade.

Tenth grade. You were a transferee. I wasn’t.

Your face was new to me and I already immediately thought you were pretty cute. I also thought that you’d be the one I’ll like for that year. But my friends thought you were weird. And I thought so too.

I noticed you when you hummed that GOT theme song. Noticed you when you messaged me about GOT and never replied again.

I got confused. I kind of cursed you out too.

And then there was Karl… and we were closer. And he was much easier to like.

But then, there was also Kate. It was so obvious she liked you. She kept following you around, after all.

I noticed you. But there was Kate. And there was Karl.

So, I’ve forgotten about you.

I remember back then that I even joked about liking you once we’re in 11th grade since I knew we were going to be classmates.

Turn’s out, it was a bad joke. I’m in too deep now and I regret joking about it. And now the joke’s on me! Haha.

Anyway, 11th grade came. Of course, you were my classmate…

And I didn’t actually expect you to look all so… manly. Neat. More handsome, definitely.

But I didn’t really care about that at first. I was too distracted by my own flaws anyway. I hated myself too much to like someone else back then.

And you… you were also too cold. You looked annoyed in everything you do. You were unapproachable… until you aren’t.

And that’s when I got fucked.

To start off… I love teasing you, you see.

It’s obvious. Ever since 10th grade, I was already teasing you and making fun of you. You can also call me kind of a bully. And I’m sorry.

But then the teasing stopped… and we actually began talking. And talking. And talking.

And then we became closer.

I don’t even know how it happened but it just did. We became friends. Close friends, even.

I still tease you though but it’s on a friendlier level now. Not that awkward type of tease I used to do when I just wanted to annoy you.

I kept track of my feelings for you though. And I know it all began on October. When I started that rant account and basically just kept a lot of fucking entries on all the times I felt giddy, jealous, mad, annoyed… basically whatever I fucking felt for you.

But the moment I was most sure of… was the time you asked me out to eat at BonChon. That’s when I’ve let myself assume.

That’s where I went wrong.

I won’t write all of the things we did but one thing’s for sure, I shouldn’t have let myself go. I shouldn’t have assumed. I shouldn’t give meaning to anything you have shown/ you will show me.

Because when I did that, that’s when it took the wrong turn for me. That’s when I fucked up.

When I’ve let myself fall in too deep… that’s when I fucked up.

That’s why I cried so hard at the end of our high school night. (The fact that I didn’t know you wanted to dance with Heide that night yet I already cried’s another fucking factor.) That’s why I cried when I found out you confessed to Audrey. That’s why I cried when you told me you’re “kinda in love” with Djobelle.

That’s why I can’t confess.

Because this is my fault after all.

I kind of want to say that you’re not worth it. But at the same time… as a friend who still admires you, you are. Maybe just not worth it of my feelings. Since I’m so amazing. Haha.

You’re in love with Djobelle. That’s what you said. That’s what I heard clearly.

I now know the answer to my question that I was asking awhile ago.

Why can’t I confess?

Because you’re in love with Djobelle.

So this is it. Probably. Hopefully.

I only wrote this to let my feelings all out. And now it’s clear as day for me. I shouldn’t cry anymore because I’ve gotten my answer.

Sooo… Goodbye. I hope.

Love,

Dee

[svetloona]

changed my jeje ass username to something that’s not embarassing. finally. :)

[svetloona]

damned

it was gloomy when i first came to like you.

no rainbows hue. the colors have withdrew and gray just makes do.

but time flew and feelings grew. colors sprue, sun shone through, the flowers— sprung to.

and as the skies turned back to blue,

i was damned to realize that i cant fall for the likes of you.