sybersmoke

[sybersmoke]

Self dislike and Asperger's

Some days like today I dislike myself, how I am.  I do not hate myself, there are benefits.  More thought it is the uncertainty, the feeling that I want to be social, but when I am I am not understood or misunderstood.  That my deadpan nature causes problems with communicating and enjoying the time with a social group.

I find this one of the most frustrating things about my nature.  Not that I would change it.  But it is more that I would just like to find a group of people willing to take the time to understand me and want me to participate with them in things.  I want to be asked to join, not always be the one asking.  Oft times being rebuffed in the process.

Life is hard, life is a joke and the punchline sucks.  But it is the best we have and I will continue to keep trying.  I just want to find a place where I do not have to try so darn hard all the time...

#aspergers #alone #games #gaming groups

[sybersmoke]

So Tired of the Flying Poop

I am tired of politics, of people bitching and whining.  Of people blaming and recriminating.  Of people acting like five year-old’s standing in the corner stomping their feet because they could not get there way.  Man American politics can be such a pain in the ass.

Now let me be clear, both sides do it.  Both sides have been two faced, both Democrats and Republicans.  Anyone that can look at history and what has been said, then a couple years later see at their actions, can see the utter hypocrisy.  No one is in the right...not even me for writing what I am right now.  Because I am pointing a finger...but that is human nature, we need blame to feel better about who and what we are in regard to things completely out of our control.

Really it is very understandable as is so many other issues; Democrat/Republican, Male/Female, Heterosexual/Homosexual, Black/Brown/White/Yellow, etc. It is all tribalism, it is all ancient parts of our ape brain trying to figure out how to live in this modern time.

It has not been that long really that our tribes were small and we would hunt and pick berries.  Long before that we were Apes in trees.  All there was, was the family, the tribe.  And if another tribe came around, likely flying poop and sticks and stone would ensue.  Yes I am aware of the inaccuracy, but this is a rant...so it can be inaccurate in my opinion.  So we have not grown out of it, and our poor ape brains are just trying to figure out our tribe.  Yay fun!

Beyond that when it comes to politics it seems we have forgotten there are no winners...and no it will not be the end of the world.  Politics to me is a negotiation, a collection of ideas that may or may not work. Many have ideas of what should and should not work.  If you go into it looking to win, all you get are losers and deadlocks.  Like what we have right now, a real mess.

None of this is new, all of this has happened before, I just hope it all swings back to governance and prudent discussion.  As that is far better than the rampant stupid and partisanship that is going on.  Governing is about compromise and not ego, sadly it seems there is a slew of old men that has forgotten that simple lesson at the moment.

This is why I am tired of it all.  Why I do not pay attention to main line news. Instead reading articles from Politico and FiveThirtyEight.  Why I try to dig into things myself and to get the full story and the true record.

I am tired of the term “Socialism” being used improperly.  Really...it is.  If you look it up, and read the actual intention of it.  You may read that everything is controlled by the state and that capitalism would then be abolished.  Yeah that is socialism, read some Karl Marx and get a clue.

No...I just want a system where my kids do not need to suffer if I choose to change jobs and loose my insurance.  That I pay into a system that protects people and not profit margins.  I have no issue with profit margins, capitalism is great for innovation.  After all with out it we would not have computers and smartphones and it has existed in some form for several thousand years.

What I want is my kids to be safe, to be treated as humans and not a line item or some serial number in a spreadsheet.  To be protected from my choices so I have the freedom to improve my life.  To know when I get old I need not burden them unduly, and a bit more really.  But honestly if that is “socialism” then all you baby boomers reading this should be happy to toss out your social security dole, not get medicaid, and more.  After all...it is “Socialism” by the American definition, what ever that definition may be.  It seems to change a lot.

What does the above make me?  Am I a radical for wanting my children to be safe?  God forbid...nope, I am human.  I believe people should be judged fairly on their ability and those that are best for the job do what they are best at.  I believe that Capitalism is good...as long as it is not unrestricted since I know gestalts/corporations do not see me as a person and sometimes need a good swift kick to behave in a socially responsible way.

I believe that no one has the perfect answer, that it is all a negotiation and if you go at things looking to win, well your just screwed, unless your playing a video game or sport.  Because of how I am I do not see color...or race, or creed, or more.  I may not understand the deep why and how of you nice people, but to me it does not matter just so long as your good people and see me as a human in kind.

I am not racist...I guess I am a humanist.  Of coarse I fall flat and I admit it playing into stereotypes at times, and some people fall into those stereotypes as well all to well.  But to err is human is it not.

Well enough ranting, I suppose I will commit this to the world.  And I truly hope that soon we will come to our senses and govern instead of bicker and wine like children.  We are all human, we are all imperfect, maybe understanding that is something more people need to wrap their ape brains around instead of resorting to flinging poop, sticks, and stones.

#aspergers #politics #i'm so fucking tired #humanist #not a marxist #Shouting at Windmills

[sybersmoke]

Hearts

Shadows, dreams, tilted screams, lives of pain, jeering feigned. Hearts broken by others brash, hearts hurting in life's path.

Pondering, sharing, seeking solace, wanting connection, hoping embrace. Hearts broken by others gash, hearts looking for a somum truth.

Finding, learning, hoping for truth, forging bonds, minding the wounds. Hearts broken yet not lost, pieces forged and tempered now.

Wanting, knowing, truths of another, trust is forged strike by strike. Hearts hammer hitting true, forging the other into something new.

#aspergers #poem #feelings #share

[sybersmoke]

I have been thinking as of late what do I really want. It is not an easy question as there are many answers to it.

There are the wants for needs...I want water, I want food, I want to use the bathroom or sleep. Those are simple wants that are also needs in life.

Then there are superficial wants. The want of new computer parts and the desire to assemble them. The want of a fluffy thing...fleeting wants that scratch an itch and help to show I have a modicum of control. Even if I have none, shopping therapy anyone?

My deepest want is for connection and understanding. To not feel as though I am adrift in life. I used to describe my relationship as my being my wifes rock and her being my anchor.

I would help shelter her from the chaos of life. Holding her close and dealing with the things she was not adept at or would upset her. She was my anchor, keeping me grounded...helping me to understand things I could not innately.

When she left me, I lost a piece of me. I lost my anchoring force and I miss that stability, that connection. As such my truest want is to find a new connection. To find a new stability, a new barycenter.

I do not want this person to be a conquest, nor to worship me. I want her to be my partner, my equal in all things. I want her to be herself so that I may support her and stand with her through her trials.

I want this person to be my closest friend, the one in my life I need not hide from. I need not wear a mask with. The one that will understand me for me and love me all the more for my differences as I do for her.

This is my greatest want...companionship on a meaningful level. Not just a car...but far far more. It is what I want and when I get it...I will cherish her and not let her slip. I will do the best I can to find the connections we can have and share them. Because I want it to last...

#wants #connection #aspergers

[sybersmoke]

Words, words can hurt. Words can bring joy. Words can encapsulate a world. Words can mean everything and nothing at the same time.

Words like Hon and Dear...when used by one person can be a thing just between you two. Defining all that the two of you are and the short hand for how you feel. Yet...when such a thing ends, those same words can hurt. They can be crushing and filled with sorrow.

A shame...they are not bad. Just associated with what was good. A good that is now gone. Ahh the joy of words and their many meanings.

[sybersmoke]

Relationships as a Neurodiverse

Life is hard, this is a simple truth.  Yet it is one that we all often forget in our efforts to make it better.  What most do not understand is that life is harder for those that do not fit in.  One in Twelve, one in twelve people have some form of Autism...and of coarse that makes things harder.  Areas like where I live, they are a hot spot where tech companies understand those that are neurodiverse are an asset.  So that number changes.

But that also means those that the issues we all face also become more pronounced...like with relationships.  Misunderstood, misdiagnosed or worse, undiagnosed.  Tired from a day of just trying to fit in with people that do not make sense...then to come home to someone that may also not understand or not know.

obsession and fatigue can be seen as neglect and disinterest.  The emotional differences can be misinterpreted.  And when you have two people on polar opposites, an autistic that is living with an undiagnosed bipolar, life gets worse because that needed communication breaks down.  That is what happened to me, that is my story to this point.

So what can you do?  How can you keep that glue that binds you?  In my case, I am now looking for someone with more similar interests.  Someone I can share games and anime with, that can spark my interest in writing and be my muse.  The low hanging fruit you might say.  The point being that way she need not step out of her self just to engage with me when I may not be able to for her.

I know it is one sided...but at the same time I am making the effort now to ease the issues later.  So that we have a common interest and hobby and grow from there, and if all else fails there is a way to engage me in conversation.  I know it is not all about me...but that is also not always on the top of my mind as well.

Consider this when dating someone with autism, that you may not be their top priority.  They may be focused, obsessed with their work or hobbies to the exclusion of all other things.  They may be worn down from their day at work, of being social and trying to blend in, of being torn in different directions day in and day out when all they want is to focus on a task or gaze into the void.

Understand that we still love you, but we may need you to be the one to bridge that gap and engage with us.  I know that it is unfair, and it is hard...it is hard on us as well as we struggle with the differences in needs every day.  If you can find things that you can interact with one another one, A game or an activity, something active like a craft, then life will be better.

Because in the end, we just want the person closest to us to understand us.  To not disparage us.  To be the one that we let touch us.  And to love us as wholly as we ourselves love...even if it is different.

That is not so much to ask is it?

#relationships #autism #activities #priorities #love #life #neurodiverse

[sybersmoke]

Once I had a simple place, It held my heart as home. Now I have a single space, A tiny little drawer.

Once I had a loving place, A place filled with love. Now I have a shallow place, A single drawer and no more.

Once I had a home you see, A wife to share my all. But now she's gone, she left my grasp, Now all I had is gone lost to time you see.

Once I had so much more, A place that was more then its walls. But now where I am is cold and barren, And all I have is but a drawer for my needs.

In time I can get more, In time life again will change. But for now the contrast is stark, Between what was and my drawer.

#depression #loss #divorce #autism #change

[sybersmoke]

The B###S### question of love...

AHHHH LOVE...What the heck is it really?  Well love is not one thing, it is so many things and so few really understand it at all.  Heck I can not tell you what it is because in truth...for me it is something TOTALLY FRIGGIN DIFFERENT!!! Ahem...it is different for everyone...so while one word describes it...it is different?  Yeah...fun huh.  At it’s base, and the thing that is common to all humans is that love is the activation of multiple primordial systems in our physiology to compel us to bond to another for survival purposes.  The attachment system, Oxytocin (hormone), and way more.  All these things kick in as a survival mechanism, because if we are with some one our survival rates increase and well...babies!

So then, what is love to me, a fellow with Aspergers.  Well...to me it is something different.  Love to me is connection, it is knowledge, it is understanding.  It is my knowing someone intimately (No not sex).  It is attachment and knowing that the person I care about will understand me and has taken the time to truly understand me!  Because lets face it the neuro-diverse tend to think differently and process the world and their feelings different from everyone else.

And that is the cliff notes.  So in the end you can not chase love, you can not force love.  All one can do is allow love to happen and understand that what you feel may not be what the other person feels.

[sybersmoke]

Connections

We want and dream of the days to come, seeking connection to those around. To love, to dream, to desire and feel, To know the touch of another, to break from fear. Desire and lust, to feel them and know who they are, to keep them close and know we are safe with them. To let them go and know they will come back, to let them see who we really are under the mask. A desire so strong in a world that misunderstands, a wanting, a yearning, and desire for connection! Fears, anxieties, dark emotions taint it, second guessing all we know as the past harms our goals. Did I say, did I do, did I think, did I want, did I act, did I misjudge, did I make a mistake? Normal...yet filled with fears put on use by difference, It is more, a darker thing that keeps us down. We want and dream of the days to come, where we can hold close the one we love. The person we learn, the person we share with, the person that cares, the person that understands!

#autistic adult #autism #relationship #feelings

[sybersmoke]

I am ......

I am Me, yet others feel I should not be. I am Autistic, the world does not understand. I am Brash, Others will always know my mind. I am Honest, I will never lie.

I am Understanding, I am different so I know others need it. I am Human, we are all come from the same place through time. I am Scared, I just want to be understood. I am Anxious, The pain of my past has left its marks.

I am Odd, others try to judge me because they do not understand. I am Misunderstood, All it takes is time to learn me. I am a Moment, as we all are. I am Dust, a thing made from the end of stars.

I am Life, my children are my world. I am Alone, understanding is the key to it all. I am Change, life moves one and so must I. I am Scared, Adrift in a sea that I have no way to navigate.

#autism #poem #personalthoughts

[sybersmoke]

Dating...Getting to know you

What is with people now a days?  So the setup, I get on an app and start flicking about to see what is out there.  I find people, I flip right, flip left, spend some coin to do other things.  Someone matches, we talk...but then after a short time, after maybe three days of broken texting...the other person says “your not for me...I do not think it will work.”

Seriously...how is three days of idle chatter enough to know someone, and to even make a judgement on if that person is a good match or not.  Simple answer...it’s not.  Why?

Simple answer...people are complex.  The older you get the more complex you get.  Sure things can be summed up in single word terms like being a Secure Type (Human Attachment Theory) or being pragmatic.  But that does not get into the weeds, it does not get into the true likes and dislikes.  You need to give the person time so they can learn you and you them.  Again, why?

Again...people have generalities and complexities.  Behaviors that make people a little different individually.  When first talking, both people are trying to judge the other, find common things, fight anxieties, and more.  As the years move on, we get more baggage and more scars...it is inevitable and that gets in the way.

We make decisions based on this history...and maybe that damage.  But that is not always the best, because those choices can be closed minded.  Judging others by your past experiences instead of being open to their unique differences.

There are no quick answers and people can not be summed up in 500 characters and a pretty picture.  It just can not be done...so there needs to be time involved, time to talk and communicate.  To learn and see what works best and doesn’t.  Because with out that time...what really do you learn?  Nothing at all.

#dating

[sybersmoke]

Missing the past, wanting a future, where is the now?

I wonder about the future and I miss the past, I miss the companionship and connection that my former wife gave me.  I will not say ex-wife...I see that as derogatory...she is my former wife and still good friend.  But I lost something two years ago that I want to get back.

It would not be the same, it would definitely be different and I want it to be different.  I want that connection to be based on something more common then I had before.  Something that the two of us enjoy.  Yet that seams to be a hard thing to do...there are so many different roadblocks in the way of that kind of thing.

And between the past and the future...the now sits and it is hard to live in the moment when I am sandwiched in these feelings.  This feeling of loss and this want and desire to find that missing piece...like a set item that has yet to be collected.  There are those that are content to be on their own...I am not one of them.  So forward I walk...wandering as I go.

[sybersmoke]

Lonely, Lost, and Lacking?

I am not all that into social media...not really my thing.  I mean I am antisocial in nature and am happy to be quietly alone...or at least I was.  Then I was married for 16 years.  I guess having that kind of companionship and connection really can change things. But that ended, it was not for a wrong reason.  No one cheated, no one betrayed the other.  We just drifted apart, she found out she was BiPolar, I later found out I am an Aspie...oil and water in time.  But now I am alone again and it hurts...something is missing now.

I think I will use this space for this kind of thing.  Maybe just blast the world with my thoughts as I look for someone I have more in common with.  I learned so much from it, yet it seams so hard for a good guy, a nice guy...to get bast all the BS...to be believed and understood.  To have some one take the time to get to know them as they really should.

All I want is some one I have something in common with.  Games, Table Top RPG’s, Anime, more...yet also have something different as perspectives matter.  In time I guess...in time.  Well back to Warframe, I know some one out there is waiting.

[sybersmoke]

Personally I would like to see some more fantacy.  A series I like to suggest would be Fairytail.  I have watched as much as I can on Netflix, and would like to see the rest.

Manipulate the Manual