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little-red-toyota · 3 years

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Final good bye to the fandom

TW//Trauma, triggers, nsfw, sexual themes, rape, domestic abuse e.g.

This is gonna be a long ass post…

It has taken me a while to get emotionally strong enough to do this, as I will have to think back at some traumatic events from my past to address some of these things. That's why I waited until I got home from vacation with my family, as it will seriously affect my mood and mental health, and I want to be near my doctor and therapist, just in case.

And also, I know that the majority of those reading this will invalidate me and tell me I am making things up to clear my name. So, I literally have to torment myself to write a blog post people will just brush off as bogus anyway. But I will do it now that I am in safe surroundings. Then it will be off my chest, and I can finally move on. If people will continue stirring up the past, it will be their problem, not mine.

I think I should write one last blog post where I address everything. I have left the TTTE-fandom, but I will write that one as my final goodbye to the fandom. I just have to find out everything I've been accused of so I can properly address them all in order. I might leave out details of my life that is too hard for me to open up about. I know most of you will just invalidate me anyway.

1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.

2. My mafia-AU.

3. The Darin incident.

4. Being a pedophile. (Where do they get this from anyway??)

5. Running the NSFW-blog.

6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.

Is there more?

Ah... yes! Faking my own suicide, of course!

7. "Faking" being suicidal.

8. Having the audacity to survive and go on living.

9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it.

10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).

11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.

12. Being a danger to my daughter.

Anything else that needs to be addressed? What else am I being accused of? Send me a dm and I will add it to the post.

Okay, I will bump the Stepney fic down a bit as it is the most traumatic thing for me to address, I will save that one for last.

2 and 3. The dark au/mafia au where I gave some TTTE characters some rather dark and unpleasant character traits, and the whole incident with Darin and the pedo-Salty was addressed in this blog post written by my husband last year, so I am not opening that can of worms again: https://little-red-toyota.tumblr.com/post/623743183795470336/in-light-of-recent-events

Even the thing about Toby cheating on Henrietta is addressed there.

As for the au, I never fully explored it as I started losing interest in TTTE around the same time. I found other things to enjoy and TTTE faded into the background and the au was dropped before I even wrote any stories, apart from the one about Toby and Henrietta.

Some people claim, like this lovely individual, that most of the characters were rapists and pedos. No, not most. Only one of each. And I did not write more than one story about rape and suicide. Where does this person even get that from? Someone who told someone who had heard from someone who might have heard….?

Don't spread rumors unless you are sure that they are true.

Anyway, it's all addressed in that blog post in that link. I don't see how this mafia au is any worse than other dark post-apocalyptic or violent aus. It mostly was about the diesel mafia and their illegal businesses, not about sex, even if it did occur now and then. I find the substance abuse in it to be more problematic tbh…

4. Being a pedophile.

I don't even know how to defend myself against this one, as I don't even know why people think I am pedophile. They only throw the accusation out with no backing evidence, so I have no idea where it comes from or what it is that makes people think I am one.

Apart from one claim that I had faved "porn" alongside "strangers'" baby photos on DA. I addressed that earlier though. As DeviantArt doesn't sort what you click "like" on, it all ends up in the same folder unless you actively go through it and sort it into categories, which I don't bother most of the time. It also doesn't say WHEN it was added to your faves. So, I can have faved an artistic nude on Saturday, and then faved my friend's family photo on Thursday. It's not like I actively search for porn, get all steamed up and then look at pictures of children. WTF.

The few children I have faved are not from complete strangers, but long-term friends of mine. Yes, it is possible to have friends on the same website. I have actually met a lot of my RL friends through DeviantArt. I posted photos of my daughter when she was a baby, they would fave it and congratulate me. So, I did the same when they had a baby. As simple as that. Nothing weird or perverted about it. Due to people doxxing me last year however, I deleted the photos of me, my husband and my daughter from DeviantArt, so it's no longer there.

Porn isn't allowed on DeviantArt anyway. The nudes there are so-called artistic nudes, and for the most part I use them as pose-references when I draw as it is easier to draw a pose using a nude base and then dress them up once you got the pose right.

"The very naked" centaurs I have faved. Well, I like the mythological creature Centaur. And as far as I know… they do not wear clothes, so how are they NOT nude? Look it up, it's a horse body with a human torso instead of horse head. I don't see them as sexual, but what do I know? Maybe YOU do?

I have no sexual interest in children whatsoever.

5. Running the NSFW-blog on Tumblr and Twitter.

Yes. I was one of six people modding that blog. ONE of six, so I refuse to take the full blame here.

MerciResolution has openly admitted to being the founder, and she recruited me and some others to modify as the confession load became too heavy for one person to handle alone.

The original blog on Tumblr worked as follows: People would anonymously send a confession to our askbox, we would add a picture (sometimes photoshopped) to the text and post it on the blog. Always tagged as NSFW and with proper trigger warnings if necessary! The blog itself was also marked as explicit, so it didn't appear in searches and such.

For us, this blog was nothing but a joke. We did it for shits and giggles. If anyone took it seriously and thought we got off to the stuff that was posted, we apologize for that, but to us it was just for laughs. And we DID laugh a lot, you guys should have seen the weird shit people sent us sometimes!

We had fun and we never thought anyone would take it seriously, so we never thought of writing "joke" in the description or anything. It never occurred to us that it could be anything but a joke.

We also made a Twitter account for it, also locked for minors. But it was quickly hacked, and someone changed the password so we could no longer access it. We made another account and forgot about the old one…

After a while, the original mods started losing interest and the blog (both on Tumblr and Twitter) became less active. That's when a person I had known for years, and wrongfully trusted, came forward and wanted to take over ownership. So, the ownership was handed over to Russalita/Charlie.

That turned out to be huge mistake!

Me and the other mods had more or less forgotten that the blogs existed, when suddenly someone started bashing me and getting up in my arms over it. I got seriously confused as I hadn't been active on it in almost a year. But as it turned out, Russalita had removed the mature filters and made the accounts open for all the see. Even minors.

And as people knew I was one of the mods, they fired their guns at me. I can see why though, so I'm not pointing any fingers here.

I tried contacting her by phone, asking her to lock the accounts again, but she gave me a less than polite response, hung up and then blocked my number…

So, I decided to try to shut the blogs down on my own, trying the old passwords. It worked on the Tumblr-account, and I managed to password protect it, for some reason it couldn't be fully deleted. But the Twitter account had gotten its password changed by Russalita. I was however able to get a new password by logging into the e-mail we had used to create it. I deleted the Twitter blog fully. It can't be re-activated even if we wanted to. It's gone.

But it turns out the old, hacked one is still up and now open for everyone. And this one poses a huge problem as we have no way of getting into it to delete it. Only thing we have been able to do so far is reporting it and hope it will be removed by Twitter. So I only have one thing to say about it: report it.

I am no longer running any NSFW TTTE blog anywhere, nor do I have interest in doing so. So, if you come across one, claiming to be me or any of the other mods, it is false.

6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.

People seem to believe I have drawn genitals on trains. I have never done such. Any art on the NSFW-blog with genitalia on the trains were sent in by confessors and was not drawn by me. Most of them seems to have been drawn by someone who goes by the name "The Lance".

I HAVE drawn things for the NSFW blog, but there were no genitalia in those drawings. I drew Frank of Arlesdale looking grossed out by (I don't know what the part is named in English, but it is connected to the brakes of the engine) that stick-like thing on his bufferbeam being wet from whatever the confessor did to him. I drew an over-exaggerated comical pic of a horrified Peter Sam getting his face licked by his driver, who had an enormous tongue. I also did a couple of manips. Mostly maniping engine faces on humans, like the one where Gordon's face is on a less than fit guy flailing his shirt around, and the Arlesdale smallies' faces on a movie poster from Magic Mike. One with Mr.Conductor in a giant bun while Pinchy is applying ketchup on him, for a confession about eating him, I think? I've done some more, but I forgot what it was, I only know I loved making them comical rather than erotic, as I saw the blog as a joke overall.

I HAVE also drawn aheago faces on engines because it looks hilarious. Though I have only drawn them on my OCs and the NRS engines, not TTTE characters.

Point is I have never drawn genitalia on trains. Ever. And I likely never will. It's not THAT much fun drawing NSFW stuff.

I see from this screenshot that a certain MK-Instrumentalist claim that all my personal art is age-regression art and infantilism…

Whose art have you been looking at? Because it's definitely not mine. I have drawn a couple of baby/chibi diesels… But claiming that all of my 700 or so artworks are depicting infantilism and age-regression stuff? I suggest people go have a look for themselves. I haven't drawn that. That MK-guy has been desperately trying to cancel me for ages for reasons only himself know. I don't even know the guy, and he doesn't know me, yet he wants to see me beheaded. Go figure.

I was for a long time bothered by some age-regressor on Tumblr who just wouldn't leave me alone with their weird asks, who tried to force themselves on me and some other artists here. They claim age-regression isn't a fetish, but the shit they sent to my askbox certainly looked like a fetish to me.

I don't want anything to do with that stuff. It weirds me out.

And no. I have never drawn pedophilia or rape art either. This guy can't even make up his mind on which one to accuse me of.

7 and 8. Faking suicide and having the audacity to survive and go on living.

As many know, after the intense shitstorm against me last summer, thanks to Darin, I attempted suicide. I didn't succeed as my husband came home early. I was gone for a few days but returned when a young boy reached out to me for help as he was being groomed and didn't know who else to turn to.

Recently I saw a screenshot where someone claimed me to have faked suicide, and that I just came back after a few days when everything had died down.

Wow.

I am truly sorry I survived.

I don't remember much from those days to be honest, but as the load became too heavy and the bullying too intense, piling up on 30 years of old trauma… I decided to end it. I must warn you guys who might get triggered now; there are detailed descriptions of a suicide attempt. Proceed with caution. People told me I was a bad mother among other things, having had those same thoughts myself (according to my husband, I am a good mom) and people just confirming them, I thought that my daughter would be better off growing up without me. I could have chosen a more effective suicide method, but I was afraid my daughter would be the first to find me, so I wanted it to be clean and look like I was just sleeping. That way it could be explained as natural causes.

So, I decided to overdose on pills. I downed all pills I could find in the house that had a warning triangle on it (strong pain meds etc.) and then went to my computer to delete my online existence, especially the personal data.

As a former paramedic, I should have known better. Because after half an hour, my body started reacting. But not the way I had hoped and wanted. I started retching and almost vomiting. That's when my husband came home from work and found me. He immediately saw the empty packages and knowing my past suicidal tendencies, he reacted instinctively. He put his fingers down my throat and had me puke everything up, then he called an ambulance and had me admitted to the hospital.

I don't remember anything from the days I spent there. But I have been told they emptied my stomach and gave me lots of fluids. I was then assigned a psychiatrist which I am still seeing today.

I was gone for those days because I was in hospital, not because I was pulling some kind of trick and pretending to have ended myself.

So… I am sorry I "faked" my suicide.

I'm sorry my husband saved me. I am sorry the medics and doctors succeeded in saving my life.

I am sorry I survived and proceeded to live on. If I ever make another attempt, I promise to do better.

Why are you guys so persistent in trying to push people to suicide anyway? Do you get a kick out of it? Why do people have to be pushed to that point before you care?

What did we tell our daughter? Simply that I got sick and had to go to the hospital. She took that well.

I've seen a lot of people wonder why I am still around. Why shouldn't I? Does my daughter deserve to lose her mother over some online crap she doesn't even know about? I owe her to live and watch her grow up, to help her with her homework and whatever else a parent needs to do. I also owe my husband to stay by his side, like I promised him the day we got married. Even if I do not wish to live.

I'm sorry I survived, guys. Really, I am.

9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it. And 1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.

First… why would anyone make up trauma? It's not like it's a competition to have the worst life, is it?

Sadly, I don't have to make up anything. My life HAS been rocky up until the birth of my daughter. I have been through so much trauma I couldn't even fathom it myself before my therapist listed it all up to me. Until then, I had just been casually talking to her about it, like I would talk about the weather. I didn't cry or get in touch with my emotions even once while telling everything, because I was taught from an early age to never complain, to suck it up and go on. So, no matter what people did to me, I would just smile and go on, even if it killed me inside. I did not want to show any sign of weakness, because then they would attack me. A habit I developed through years of being bullied in school. Never show feelings, just pretend nothing could hurt you, then they would eventually grow tired of it and stop.

Except they never did. They kept going through all my years at school. To such an extent, my boyfriend didn't dare to show himself hanging out with me out of fear of being bullied himself… And as we grew older, he would start cheating on me too. And I kept smiling…

My next boyfriend was a bit older than me, and while that didn't bother me, as we were both well over legal age, it bothered him. We only lasted one year before he bailed out and ditched me out of the blue via an sms.

The next guy… was the one who scarred me for life. Both physically and mentally. A charmer at first of course, until I was trapped. He was unemployed, so he moved in with me, and I paid for everything from food to phone bills. All while he was dating several women behind my back, calling various pay-phone services and in general acted like a manwhore. As I worked as an electrician (also being subject to massive bullying and sexual harassment at work), he would be jealous of all my co-workers and if I ever came home late or worked overtime, he accused me of cheating and was extremely violent about it. He would also isolate me from my friends and family, making me think I couldn't get any other than him. If any of my male friends (almost all my friends are male…) came over, he would give me such hell afterwards, it was easier just to tell them it was a bad time to visit. And after a while, they stopped asking. This guy also demanded sex. Every single day. If I refused, he would punish me, mostly by flogging me with lampcords, belts or whatever else he had at hand. My back is a criss cross map of old, faded scars even now nearly 20 years later. I would have shown you a photo, but I am so self-concious about my body after all the bullying, I hardly even show my face in photos. Maybe one day… but I certainly need more therapy before being able to show naked skin to strangers, even if it's just my back. So I had non-consensual sex with him more often than consensual. It has taken me hours in therapy to even take the word in my mouth and call it by its proper name: rape. I was raped, almost every single day for little over a year, before I found the strength to break out of the relationship and finally throw him out of my house. It all ended when I found some revealing texts on his cellphone, which he was extremely protective of… Texts that revealed that he had engaged in a relationship with a 12 year old girl, and it had been going on for a while. Not only was he cheating on me, but he was a pedophile too. Needless to say, I didn't even let him pack his stuff before I fetched my shotgun and chased him out of the house. I don't know where I got the courage and strength from… but I was furious.

I thought I had gotten rid of him, but no. He started stalking me in public. Hiding behind shelves when I was shopping, his car following mine everywhere I went. I received weird letters in the mail with cut-out letters from newspapers, glued together. On top of all, his creepy, old uncle called me with some rather disgusting suggestions and tried to come on to me really hard. I had to change my phone number, and after coming home to my house and finding out someone had entered my home using a key, only to empty the drawer of my night table, I also had to change the locks of my doors as he had clearly copied the key.

He didn't stop until I got the police involved.

So, when I finally met the guy who would become my husband (or rather, we found out we were made for each other, we had known each other since we were 11 years old), I had major trust issues towards men especially and it took him endless patience and love to break me out of that shell.

But the trauma doesn't stop… or start there.

In the year 2000, on January 4th, I would experience something that made me unable to even look at a train for over 10 years. The Åsta accident (google it). I was a volunteer in the Norwegian Red Cross then, and a paramedic in training. Back then, you were allowed to start training the year you would turn 16. So, I was still 15 when I witnessed the most traumatic event of my life. The day started out calm, we were stocking up the ambulance after delivering a patient to the hospital when we got a call with the code "500", which means "catastrophe". Normally when we get that code it is a rehearsal… so we drove towards the coordinates with the thoughts that this was just an exercise, nothing real… we didn't prepare ourselves mentally… And we ended up in the closest thing to hell I have ever been… The sight of the burning trains, the smells, the sounds, the screaming… I still wake up by nightmares to this day. Though the moment that haunts me the most is when the screaming stopped… because we all knew why… I don't want to go into details, but 19 people died that day. But we also saved 67 people. I try to hold on to that thought. The age limit for starting paramedic training was raised after this, as I wasn't the only one who was too young for an accident of that scale. Today it is 18. A memorial stone has been placed on the site, but I still haven't been able to bring myself to visit it, even if we drive past the site every year on our way to visit family further north in the country. I needed hours of therapy to even be able to ride a train after this. To have gotten to the point where I now volunteer at a heritage railway and is in training to become a driver, is a HUGE step for me. My next goal is to visit the site of the accident.

On to next trauma… A previous employer, a rather large electric company in Norway, whom I worked for 8 years. The first five years were great, we were a close-knit bunch of electricians, and we had a great relationship with the bosses and higher-ups. Our labor union was strong.

It all started changing in 2009 when we got new leaders… and those decided to get rid of everyone who were a member of the union. One by one, they started harassing workers in various ways, trying to get them to quit. In Norway, they need a legal reason to fire you, it's not enough to not like someone. There has to be a good reason to fire someone e.g. theft, neglecting work… Since they didn't have any reasons to fire us, they started making our work lives gradually harder and harder until we would break and find another job. Sadly, one of my co-workers couldn't stand the pressure… He bid us all farewell as normal one Friday and hung himself the following day.. But as I was a girl in a male-dominated profession, I had been taught at an early stage to ignore anything that would hurt me emotionally, just arch my neck and plow through. I kept doing that, despite starting to feel more and more mental and physical pains… even my co-workers pointed out how I was being mistreated before I acknowledged it myself. I tried to tell my boss, but he reacted by treating me worse. So, I went to his boss… and that's when things went to hell. Instead of doing his job and listen, he started harassing me too. He deemed my over-weight a problem, and he started demanding I gave him detailed lists of what I ate and how much I worked out… Completely illegal of course, but by this point I was broken down to the point I thought I was useless and couldn't get another job… so I accepted. He started accusing me of lying about my exercise, so I started training at the gym in the basement at work instead. One day, while I was there, he locked the doors and turned the lights off. There were no windows, no cellphone reception and hardly anyone walking by in that part of the building… I sat there in the pitch dark for 3 hours before I was let back out. I still get badly triggered by narrow, dark rooms and rooms with no windows. To such an extent, I jumped out of a small window on the second floor of a gym when I was in boot camp. I was allowed to train downstairs in the bigger gym with windows on all walls after that incident…

The harassment at work went on for years until I finally snapped, ended up at the hospital and got into therapy for the first time. I don't want to go into depth about what more happened, I just can't… I can't bring myself to write it all. Luckily, I had gotten more education while working, so when I graduated, another company called and gave me an offer I just couldn't refuse. So, I quit my job and never looked back, even if the traumas I suffered there still haunts me to this day.

Sadly, even after switching jobs, now getting a safe job with sane leaders… I started to relax, and that's when all my past trauma came washing over me. And one day, on while driving to work, I had my first serious panic attack. It started as this feeling I used to have at the old company; getting sick to my stomach and having the sense of someone being out to get me… then it developed to breathing problems… and I had to pull the car over. I broke into tears, struggling to breathe, stumbling out of the car to read the logo on its side just to reassure my body and brain that I worked for a different company now and there was no reason for panic. I called my boss and let him know, because he also was a "refugee" from that other company, so he knew what me and several others had gone through. He managed to talk me down enough for me to come to the office to talk to him. That helped.

I got back into therapy. A better therapist this time. But sadly, it got apparent that I could no longer work as an electrician as there was too many triggers. I was diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression, and social anxiety. I'm still working on these and get better slowly.

I have been in therapy for a long time now, and it was my therapist that suggested I wrote fics to cope and "write it out". I tried to make up my own characters for this, but never felt any connection. I was by this time in the TTTE fandom and had met people with similar trauma and pasts like myself, and I started roleplaying with some of them. Me and a girl from UK then agreed to try to rp/co-write a fic to cope with our trauma. We both found it easier to write about pre-established characters we had a connection to, even if it was an au that made it barely recognizable from the original source material. Only the names and some minor things were similar.

That fic was Stepney's Virginity Gets Lost.

Do we regret writing it? No. It helped us write out our traumas and helped us overcome some mental obstacles in out therapy process. Our therapists cheering us on, because we finally managed to break through the hard shell surrounding us. We both cried for the first time in years while writing it, some of it through roleplay, because some parts were extremely graphic and brutal and very mentally exhausting. We had to take long breaks between each writing session, so the fic wasn't written in just a weekend. But we got a lot of darkness out of our minds by writing all this. And we were definitely NOT aroused by it, like this pervert here claims.

It's when you dare to touch and feel the difficult and dark emotions, you can finally move along in the grieving process.

Should it have been posted online?

In retrospect, no. But at the time, we thought it might help other trauma victims, as we also found reading about other people's experiences and fictions touching painful subjects helpful to ourselves. So, we posted it, never expecting it to cause such a controversy 3 years later. In fact, we had more or less forgotten about it until it came back to bit us in the ass. Or rather, bite ME in the ass, as I am getting the full blame alone.

Also, despite what people claim, it was not posted openly for children to read. It was tagged properly and hidden behind mature content walls. If a minor chooses to break that wall, that's not the author's fault. It's the same as watching a movie with an age restriction way above your age, not the filmmaker's fault.

I think MerciResolution puts it nicely here:

"If your problem lies with you KNOWINGLY entering adult spaces when you’re a minor, ignoring all mature warnings that are literally SCREAMING at you “hey, this is what you’re getting into. Are you sure you want to proceed?”

That’s ENTIRELY on you. YOU are the fucking problem.

We’re marking mature things as best as we properly can. If you decide to ignore them, that’s your own damn fault. We’re not your fucking babysitters."

Also, I never posted the story on Wattpad, so if anyone has done that, it's not me. I posted the story on Fanfiction.net, DeviantArt and AO3, that's all. If it's posted anywhere else, it's not done by me.

I had honestly moved on from it when people pulled me back into it.

Other people who have done questionable shit in that fandom are easily forgiven because "they have moved on" or "changed". Yet, nobody believes I can move on or change…?

I had moved on; my interests had changed. But people won't let me, so here I am… Having to defend some crap I did years ago. A fic I no longer have any interest in.

I'm not even interested in TTTE anymore. I have moved on with my own book project now and I would like to focus on that.

So, deleting my TTTE content, whether it was the SFW or NSFW stuff, didn't cost me a penny. It actually felt like a relief. The only downside with it is that people now can't read it and make up their own opinion about it, but will solely believe in what others say, and those things are often seriously bent out of shape and blown out of proportions to such an extent it's barely recognizable.

If people claim that Arry and Bert rape Stepney in the fic, they have never seen it or read it. That's not what happens. That's just an assumption made by looking at the title and knowing there is a rape/torture scene in it. But I'm not gonna tell who the victim is or who performed it, because this is the only way I am able to tell who has actually read the fic or not, who is just trying to spread bullshit and who is actually telling the truth. The person in that screenshot, has no idea what he's talking about.

Does SVGL romanticize rape and abuse?

No, not in the least. It's described as the horrible, heinous acts it is and is in no way meant to be cute or romantic and definitely NOT something anyone should get off to. If anyone finds it sexy, that's their problem, not the authors'. If anything, SVGL might romanticize suicide, because one of the characters isn't able to cope with his trauma and chooses to end their life. Which is something I considered doing myself when I was in the darkest pit of depression. So, I apologize for maybe romanticizing suicide. The following chapters describe how friends and family handle the loss and grief.

It also describes a toxic relationship, where one of the parts struggles to get out of it. They eventually manage to break free, but it is not easy. This can easily be translated to my previously mentioned relationship, as it was my way of writing out my experience about how hard it is to break out of a relation when your partner has broken you down to the point where you no longer believe in yourself and your self-worth.

The last chapters start to gradually become brighter, as both our lives started getting better too. But we never really wrote the end because we both lost interest in writing TTTE content by that time and just left it hanging.

I'm not the only one who has written NSFW TTTE fanfics out there. But it seems like violence and murder is more acceptable than sexual things? I do wonder how brutally mutilating children's show characters are more tolerable than sexually abusing them. Neither should be okay.

Some content creators hide behind "it was a joke". I have been told that such topics that SVGL touches upon shouldn't be joked about… so I didn't do that, and yet it was wrong? So how should such topics be treated? Be hidden like it's a shame, like in the old days when rape victims were told to suck things up and keep it to themselves? When those subject to abuse didn't dare to speak up because people would judge them?

I think it is important to talk about these subjects and why they are so problematic. Victims shouldn't have to hide their trauma; they should be allowed to talk openly about it without fearing judgement.

Some of you claim that writing isn't a good way to cope… You're trying to dictate how trauma victims deal with their trauma, and that's a dangerous path to walk down. Nobody handles trauma the same way. You might have your thoughts on how you would react, but you'll never know until trauma hits you… and you might not react the way you had expected or planned. Trauma messes with your head and you won't be able to think clearly. It makes you do thinks you normally wouldn't have done and can make you act out of character. So, do not judge people without having been in the same situation yourself. Ever.

Someone wrote that I have "more problems that just a rape".

Read that again.

Just a rape.

This person does not know how damaging a rape can be. And if you made it this far in this post, you know I didn't only go through one, but several. Not just by my ex, but also being ambushed while I was walking home from a party, and later; a co-worker forcing himself onto me at a building site. I can't go into depth about them all, I just can't.

Just a rape…

"Just" the feeling of not being in control of your own body and your own decisions. "Just" being robbed off your dignity and self-worth. "Just" having someone intrude into your private zone, tear your clothes off and claim your body against your will. "Just" feeling how your life force leave you as you realize that fighting against it won't help you, and you silently give up and just lay down waiting for it all to be over. "Just" spending hours in the shower, scrubbing your skin until you bleed because you can't wash the filth away and you keep feeling dirty no matter how much you clean yourself. "Just" waking up at night, after having relived the scene again in a nightmare. "Just" looking over your shoulder wherever you walk because you heard something or thought you saw something or simply because someone is walking behind you. "Just" the fact that you'll never feel comfortable walking alone at night again or have someone walk behind you. "Just" never being able to relax because your body constantly think you're in grave danger. "Just" a rape…

That's such a neck-beard thing to say. Someone who clearly think of other people's bodies as property or things. Not taking into consideration that we are living, breathing individuals with feelings. And that having another person violate us isn't something we like or that we'll easily get over. We want to choose who we give ourselves to, nobody should be forced. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't want it. We didn't like it.

Rape is trauma.

Yes, we should have chosen other characters for the story, but we did what we did, and it cannot be undone now. So, if the only thing I will be remembered for in the fandom is that ONE fic, instead of all my other content, that's what it will be. That's what people chose to. I'm moving on.

10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).

*sigh*

This is something that could only happen in America, isn't it?

Some people don't bother educating themselves. The "nazi-letters" you guys are talking about is actually part of the Norwegian alphabet and has nothing to do with Nazism or white-supremacy to do at all. The Norwegian alphabet has 29 letters, the three extra is æ,ø,å or in capital letters: Æ,Ø,Å.

We can't help it if some morons over in the US abuse these letters as symbol of their twisted mindset.

Yes, my name contains one of those letters. It is my name… and I didn't choose it. It is a common Norwegian name.

As for me being a Nazi?

Those who knows me knows that I am as far from a Nazi as one can get. I despise Nazism with all my heart.

But the reason some people choose to believe so… was that some guy who has no hobbies or life went through every single fave I've made on DeviantArt since I joined the site in 2006, which is well over 20000 faves. And he found a few Nazi-characters from a web series I was following about ten years ago. I am very interested in history and especially WW2-history, so I found that particular web-series interesting and faved some artwork related to it. What this guy failed to notice is that I also faved the Allied characters… That's ALL there is to that story.

I has also faved a pic someone made of Joseph Goebbels (I think it was?) as a Pixar Car. That's not because I have any nazi-sympathies, but I simply found the concept of turning historical persons, both good and bad, into Cars as an interesting project. I would have faved any other historical Carsified person as well.

As for me being a Norwegian and have a natural pale complexion, that's not something I can help. That's nothing I choose. And it doesn't make me racist or Nazi. Period.

11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.

Again. Get educated.

This flag… is the actual flag of my country. The Kingdom of Norway.

There is nothing Nazi about it. It is not a symbol of white-supremacy. IT IS THE FLAG OF NORWAY.

During WW2 it was even illegal, so people would paint it everywhere in a protest against the Nazi-occpation and the SS. We even decorated our Christmas trees with it, and that is a tradition that has followed us into the modern day.

Again, if some idiots in the US choose to use it as a symbol for their disgusting logic, it is not Norway or the Norwegians' fault.

12. Being a danger to my daughter.

I need people to elaborate here.

What exactly do you think I do to my daughter? What is the cause of your concern here?

The fact that I have made NSFW content? How is that harmful to her as long as I keep it away from her? You DO realize that even authors, pornstars and moviemakers have children and that they can be good parents, right?

Do you think I read pornographic content for her as bedtime stories? Or show her porn instead of kids TV? How sick are you guys, really…?

Some people even wanted CPS to take my child away from me… Have a look at these screenshots…

You want a happy, healthy, innocent child to be taken away from a stable, safe home with loving parents just because you don't like the content the mother made? You want her to be placed in foster care, where there is no guarantee that she will have a happy upbringing rather than have her stay with her parents who love her and care for her, for reasons she'll never understand and wasn't even aware of?

"Think of the children!" a lot of you say when it comes to my content. May I ask why this doesn't apply to my daughter?

Why do some of you go as far as to wishing her dead or wanting her to be removed from the home she feels safe and loved in? How is that thinking of the children?

As for the douchebag in that screenshot. You claim that if your mother did something like that you would want nothing to do with her… I have a question: Do you know EVERYTHING your mother do? Does she include you in each aspect of her life? Even her sexual life? No?

How do you know she doesn't do thing you don't approve of when you're not around? She could be a rabid pornmag reader for all you know. But stuff like that is something adults hide from their kids. So, you wouldn't know, unless you go snooping around in her business.

Everyone is entitled to privacy. What I and my husband do when our kid is not around is our business, not hers, and certainly not yours.

Porn and parenting are to be kept separate from each other. Period.

And we do.

There is absolutely no reason to be worried about my daughter. She is a happy, healthy child in a safe, stable home with family that loves her and cares for her. Not just me and my husband, but also grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

If you want to remove her from that over a stupid fanfic behind a mature content wall, you're the deranged person, not me.

This is all I have to say about all this and my time in the TTTE fandom. I have left by my own, free will. Yes, I am aware that many people don't want me there. That's fine. I don't want to be there.

I am a bit disappointed in those people who just blindly unfollowed me and unfriended me without any questions asked, just followed the leader. Big users tend to dictate who and what is worth following in that fandom. They will even protect real predators, but I'm not going to open that can of worms now. I'm done with the fandom.

Some of those people, I have been talking to regularly, even supported when they faced hardships in the fandom themselves. But when I got in trouble, they ditched me without a word…

If anything, this whole ordeal showed me who to trust and not, and who were true to their word when it came to how deep our friendship was. True friends at least give you the chance to explain before they drop you. I hold no ill feelings to those who did, at least they asked me before judging.

And those who still stayed with me, are the ones who truly know me and who I really am.

Some of the worst libels posted about me might be reported to the police, but I haven't made up my mind yet. I am not mentally strong at the moment, so I don't know if I have the strength to legally follow it all up. I will ask the cops at work for advice on the matter.

All I ask for now is some peace.

You don't have to like me. You don't have to follow me. You don't have to like my content. Feel free to invalidate me, I know a lot of you will.

But please, stop bullying me and my family.

Please stop sending me horrid messages and death threats.

Please stop doxxing me and calling me.

Please leave my family alone. If you don't care about me, at least care about them.

Please just ignore me. I have already left the fandom, there is no reason to keep hunting me.

I just want to move on and go on with my life and the content I am currently working on. After years in therapy, my life has gotten better, and I want to move on.

Please let me.

#good bye to ttte #tw//suicide #tw//rape #tw// bullying #tw//depression #tw//ptsd #tw//ttte #tw//sex #tw//abuse #tw//domestic abuse #I'm done

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thisweekingundamwing · 4 years

Text

This Week in Gundam Wing 5-11 April 2020

Here’s this week’s roundup!

Remember to give your content creators some love! And join in on the events at the bottom!

~Mod Hel Sorry it’s a bit late!

Fanfiction/Snippets/AU Ideas:

@bobo-is-tha-bomb

Every Moment (Ch. 4) https://archiveofourown.org/works/23153275/chapters/56342722

F/M, Heero Yuy/Reader

Heero Yuy, Reader, Duo Maxwell, Chang Wufei, Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner, OC - Character, Lady Une, Relena Peacecraft

Romance, Drama, Angst, Lemon, Lime, Violence, Reader Insert

You really didn’t want to go on a mission with Heero Yuy. In your opinion, he was a robot, an iceberg, and as cold as the North Pole. And you really hated the fact that people started spreading rumors about you. Now, you have two weeks to get to know him better, get comfortable with the idea of playing his wife, and keep from getting into a catfight with Wufei’s secretary (who has quite a crush on Mister Yuy herself). You thought you would be able to handle the mission, but a couple of alcohol influenced kisses really send your world spinning. And it would only get worse during the mission… And really… your careless actions do have very big consequences.

Best Easter Yet https://archiveofourown.org/works/23600803

F/M, Heero Yuy/Reader, Relena Peacecraft/Quatre Raberba Winner

Heero Yuy, Reader, Relena Peacecraft, Quatre Raberba Winner

Romance, Drama, Angst, Holiday, Reader Insert

“How are you holding up?”

You gave him a dire look and showed him your shaking hands. “Just so.”

He gave you a warm look and reached out, trailing the callused pad of his forefinger along your cheek. “We’ll be okay. She won’t be mad.”

@doctormegalomania

Your Body’s Poetry (Ch. 13) https://archiveofourown.org/works/20438891/chapters/56441821

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Relationships: Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton/Quatre Raberba Winner, Chang Wufei/Original Female Character(s), Duo Maxwell/Hilde Schbeiker, Relena Peacecraft & Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell/Original Male Character(s)

Characters: Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner, Chang Wufei, Sally Po, Relena Peacecraft, Lucrezia Noin, Zechs Merquise, Hilde Schbeiker

Additional Tags: Past Relationship(s), Slice of Life, Post-Break Up, Slow Burn, Developing Relationship, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence

Summary: Long after the wars, long after peace is established the Gundam Pilots discover one immovable fact: Relationships are hard work.

@janaverse

Stickies form Heero (Ch. 42) https://archiveofourown.org/works/19796581/chapters/56347720

Heero Yuy & Duo Maxwell, Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy, 1+2+1, 1x2x1 - Relationship

Get Together, Friendship, Eventual Sap, Eventual Implied Sexual Content, Mentions of Trowa ⋆ Quatre ⋆ Wufei ⋆ Relena ⋆ Sally - for now, Angst

heero and duo are in their mid-20's and are sharing a house. they are both working as preventers, but are not on the same work schedule.

duo initiated this unique form of communication and heero has fully embraced it.

Fanart/Gunpla/Photo Manips:

@2pcb

https://2pcb.tumblr.com/post/614789407717949440/if-its-alright-with-you-can-i-request-trowa-or

WuFei, Heero, & Trowa

@binarytoys

https://binarytoys.tumblr.com/post/614936465228595200

Leo, gunpla

@deathofakuna

https://deathofakuna.com/post/614569779412582400/wing-zero

Wing Zero

@drawingplastered

https://drawingplastered.tumblr.com/post/614891383342415872/my-participation-in-the-gundamzine-it-was-great

25th Anniversary babies! (or oldies in this case <3)

@grey-sentry

https://grey-sentry.tumblr.com/post/614771208554184704/since-gundam-wing-turns-25-today-im-gonna-share

25th Anniversary boys!

@gundayum

https://gundayum.tumblr.com/post/614810271462178816/oh-hi-i-come-bearing-content-heres-my-shit-i

Zine Works - All the cuties.

@guttersblessing

https://guttersblessing.tumblr.com/post/614889648762880000/i-also-did-a-sticker-sheet-for-gundamzine-it

Zine Works

https://guttersblessing.tumblr.com/post/614889435945926656/for-gundam-wings-25th-anniversary-i-took-part-in

Zine Works

@gwkimmy

https://gwkimmy.tumblr.com/post/614797022889984000/asdjlaskjdlksajf-i-spent-too-much-time-on-this-lol

Relena Darlian/Peacecraft, manip

HamletMachine

https://twitter.com/Hamlet_Machine/status/1245003275797135360

Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy

@hiddenmangaka

https://hiddenmangaka.tumblr.com/post/615067652830986240/grocery-shopping-with-the-gundam-boys-attempt-1

Grocery Shopping with the G-Boys - Heero Yuy, Attempt 1

@kaiser-dracon

https://kaiser-dracon.tumblr.com/post/614804412813213696/mobile-suit-gundam-wing-top-players-gundam-wing

Wing Zero, Epyon, Tallgeese - gunpla

@ksam7

https://ksam7.tumblr.com/post/614725326366490624

Duo Maxwell

@lemontrash

https://lemontrash.tumblr.com/post/614799547879784448/this-is-the-vector-art-i-did-for-the-front-cover

Zine Work

https://lemontrash.tumblr.com/post/615071326954307584/i-cannot-draw-mecha-not-in-a-month-of-sundays-so

Gundam, manips

https://lemontrash.tumblr.com/post/615161818018627584/so-fun-story-when-i-was-first-playing-around

Zine Works

@lokineko

https://lokineko.com/post/614764732354854912/some-gundam-wing-wips-for-the-anniversary

25th Anniversary boys, wip

https://lokineko.com/post/614839063093100544/this-is-the-piece-i-did-for-gundamzines-rhythm

Zine Work

https://lokineko.com/post/614929671580270592/this-is-my-piece-for-gundamzine-s-bonus-zine-for

Zine Work

@nevs-sketchbook

https://nevs-sketchbook.tumblr.com/post/614950453149630464/more-gundam-doodles-featuring-trowa-being-a

Trowa, Quatre, & Cathy - Tro’s NB adventures.

@noromax

https://noromax.tumblr.com/post/614689026855862272/25th

25th Anniversary boys!

@seitou

https://seitou.tumblr.com/post/614818666923671552/finally-free-to-release-these-out-into-the-world

Zine Works - the G-boys bein’ awesome.

@tatakaumono

https://tatakaumono.tumblr.com/post/614749458100584448/operation-meteor-happy-25th-anniversary

25th Anniversary - Operation Meteor

Photosets/Gifsets/Screenshots/Manga Pages:

@disturbed02girl

https://disturbed02girl.tumblr.com/post/614602092903006208/spaceheart-quatre-not-really-explained-here

Quatre ‘space heart’s Heero.

Head Canons:

@scarletlegionnaire

https://scarletlegionnaire.tumblr.com/post/614574488122736640/random-headcanon-of-1920s-noir-detective-quatre

Noir Detective Quatre

https://scarletlegionnaire.tumblr.com/post/614591278935605248/mandalorian-gundam-wing-crossover

Mandalorian Crossover

Fandom Discourse:

@lifeaftermeteor

https://lifeaftermeteor.tumblr.com/post/614648010876567552/epithets-the-pros-and-pitfalls

Writing advice - Epithets

@lemontrash

Quotes:

@incorrectgundamwingquotes

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/614675005827072000/heero-i-want-to-do-something-nice-for-relena-but

Heero & Duo

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/615059988632698880/quatre-i-almost-got-surprise-adopted-yesterday

Quatre, Zayeed, & Iria

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/614946664989573120/quatre-i-really-dislike-snow-quatre-its-like

Quatre

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/614493662104190976/trowa-so-i-found-a-foolproof-method-of

Trowa, WuFei, & Duo

Calendar Events:

@gundamzine

Rhythm Generation: Shooting Stars, Celebrating 25 Years of Gundam Wing

https://gundamzine.tumblr.com/post/614746696097939456/zines-are-away-thats-right-folks-if-you

@gwcocktailfriday

Cocktail Fridays!

Post responses on Friday, during Happy Hour between 3 & 5 pm in your own timezone.

Here’s the prompt for Friday, April 17th! https://gwcocktailfriday.tumblr.com/post/615108959259492352/cocktail-friday-post-responses-on-friday-april

If anyone has ideas for prompts, PLEASE send them in! Our ask box is always open.

In need of SPRING prompts!

With the tumblr queue not working correctly... these may run out at the end of the month...

@memoriesofgundamwing

30 Day Challenge!

Day 5 Prompt https://memoriesofgundamwing.tumblr.com/post/614558663429996544/30-day-gundam-wing-challenge-day-5

Day 6 Prompt https://memoriesofgundamwing.tumblr.com/post/614647672163483648/30-day-gundam-wing-challenge-day-6

Day 7 Prompt https://memoriesofgundamwing.tumblr.com/post/614754284780814336/30-day-gundam-wing-challenge-day-7

Day 8 Prompt https://memoriesofgundamwing.tumblr.com/post/614824886163079168/30-day-gundam-wing-challenge-day-8

Day 9 Prompt https://memoriesofgundamwing.tumblr.com/post/614909458720669696/30-day-gundam-wing-challenge-day-9

Day 10 Prompt https://memoriesofgundamwing.tumblr.com/post/615021784539021312/30-day-gundam-wing-challenge-day-10

Day 11 Prompt https://memoriesofgundamwing.tumblr.com/post/615114288958406656/30-day-gundam-wing-challenge-day-11

@thisweekingundamwing

V_V I’m sorry, y’all had to see that. Lol https://thisweekingundamwing.tumblr.com/post/615214648773558272/thisweekingundamwing-motherfuckingchrist-it-says

#Gundam Wing #This Week in Gundam Wing #Weekly Roundup #5-11 April 2020

16 notes · View notes

auberghyn · 5 years

Text

Elysian Fields

Rating: M (T for now, but there will be eventual smut) Pair: KakaSaku

Tags: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Action/Adventure, Adventure, Worldbuilding, Romance, Eventual Romance, Eventual Dram, Travelling, Humor, Slow Burn, Friends to Lovers, Sexual Tension, Wizard!Kakashi, Biker!Sakura, BAMF Haruno Sakura, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Inspired by MMORPG Ragnarok Online

Quick SpeedPaint/Photo Manip by me

Chapter 1: Sawbones

A healer's duty goes beyond improving abrasions and maladies. Besides your everyday affliction ranging in severity, a healer is also responsible for the safety and well-being of their comrades. So when Sakura was asked to take over for her grandmother as field surgeon, it was an honour she hoped to fulfill.

Sakura expected long travels to the neighbouring city of Taki, where the surgical headquarters was located. She figured if transportation was too vexing, she would have to move to make work within easy reach. The Haruno Matriarch owned an old mint-green Konoha Roadmaster motorcycle that she had refurbished and given to Sakura as a parting gift. Although the automotive vehicle came with a few tiny scrapes that resembled claw marks on the rear fender, Sakura didn’t mind them. Rather, she appreciated the stories the remnants held. The scuffs piqued her interest. She would have loved nothing more than to hear each one's story, but her grandmother always answered the same way: a chuckle and "It's best to find out for yourself, my child"

Huffing in slight disappointment, Sakura deduced that they were probably from wild cats lurking in the deep forests of Taki. Whether she was right or wrong with her assumption, it temporarily sated her growing curiosity. With the inherited motorbike in her possession, at least transportation was doable now. As Sakura sped through the almost empty highway’s bike lane, with the moving truck a safe distance ahead of her, she recalled her overprotective mother, Mebuki, nagging the moving crew’s ears off to give her daughter enough space to travel and avoid any accidents. Before they set off northbound, she gave the men a hundred bucks as an apology. She had all the crucial necessities packed, including the wolf plushie from her childhood she had snugly tucked inside her bike’s compartment. All she had to do now was get there. Adrenaline coursed through Sakura’s veins at the thought of starting her career. However, if she were completely honest with herself, she was scared. Delighted to the core, yes…but she had doubts lurking in the back of her mind: the question “Will I ever be good enough?” plagued her constantly, especially after the wrongs that she worked so hard to right. There came a point where she had gotten involved with the wrong crowd during her adolescence. As she and her family constantly moved from town to town, it was difficult for her to find her place. Sakura was sure she never would have gotten out of that rut without her grandmother’s intervention. Sakura knew very well what the older woman was capable of, her fury infamous and threatening. But at Sakura’s most vulnerable, she’d sat her down and spoken to her in a manner that Sakura would never forget. The older woman, in her utmost sincerity, had instilled the Will of Fire in Sakura: To follow than to control. To listen to others who have been shunned. To keep her head high despite of adversity. And to keep standing tall despite losing ground. Sakura didn’t quite understand them back then. Like majority of the teenage populace, she only cared about technology, love interests, mind-numbing television, and junk food. It took her years to make her realize its significance and for her efforts to finally come to fruition. At the day of Sakura’s academy convocation, her grandmother, a typically stern woman, had been brought to tears. She’d pulled Sakura into a bone crushing hug, sobbing against her granddaughter’s dark green gown, telling her how proud she was that Sakura had come so far. Sakura remembered her saying, “The will of fire is strong, it runs deep. It’s a reminder that, despite our mistakes, we can draw our inner power, and that’s when we bloom. To serve a purpose and evolve into who we truly are, and that’s what matters”

A smile slowly tugged at her lips as warmth began to unfurl within. The travelling winds might have been chilly, but the memories gave her comfort on her long journey.

—♦—

Once they arrived, the movers immediately set to work, helping her unload some furniture, boxes and bins of clothing, kitchenware—basically everything she needed as a starter, according to her doting mother. She poured them tea and helped with the other objects. It wasn’t long before the last box into the house.

Once she’d paid them, Sakura retreated to her new apartment to get ready for bed. Though the clock only struck seven time and the sun was still high in the sky, it had been a long day. She decided it was best to take a step back and relax before starting her new job tomorrow. That night, she slept blissfully like she hadn’t slept in years. Tomorrow for sure, there would be a tonne of adventure awaiting her, and she was ready to face it head on.

—♦—

“Just keep going straight. It’s gonna take a while, but you’ll get there” Sakura had awoken that morning filled with purpose. She’d pre-packed her bag before she’d even moved in so the only thing she had to do was take a shower, put her uniform on, and ride to the headquarters. But there was one problem: Although she admitted she may have overslept a tad more than expected—which was a little disgraceful on her first day—the receptionist had informed her to head to the nearby headquarters where the group was currently settled, which would take no longer than a ten minute commute. The woodlands she was encroaching on eased her mind from her tardiness. As she raced along, she took in Mother Nature’s beauty. She thought Konoha, with all ts vast forested land, was beautiful, yet it was almost outmatched by the otherworldly backdrop of Taki, with its lush greens and azure waters. Completely lost in thought, it only took her a split second to realize a whirling blue light appear in front of her. She felt the air shift as she passed through the portal, to which she noted, felt like melting meringue, warm and glutinous. But there was nothing sweet about the way her bike bounced against the uneven terrain, catching her off guard and rattling her whole being. When she regained focus, Sakura was utterly speechless, blinking quite a few times in disbelief. Before her was a canyon so vast it dwarfed Iwa’s Great Gorge of the West. Sakura thought that she was dreaming, there was simply no way that she had been coursing through the woodlands a moment ago. Now she found herself speeding on what seemed like a suspended narrow bridge that stretched for miles. Up ahead was a slight curve to the path, and with Sakura too dumbstruck in the moment, she accidentally skidded off to hurtle down the canyon. She figured she’d wake up any second now, still in utter disbelief that all of this was real. She was probably having one of those dreams where she thought she was late for a very important event that day and would wake up an hour or two than originally planned, but as seconds passed and she starts noticing her descent coming to an end she began to panic. Sakura had a moment to herself, where she criticized her life choices down to the smallest of details. She’d also started to wonder when everything went downhill. Was the deliverance she received a figment of her imagination as she lay wasting away in a former friend’s bedroom? Had she hallucinated all the events that had happened in her life: leaving her childhood friend behind to move to a different city, her grandmother’s intervention, her turning her life around and graduating with the highest honours in the academy? Sakura felt despair mixed with delirium like a rancid cocktail. If she was going to phase out from this kaleidoscopic nightmare, would she be back in Samui’s place wasted, filled with no purpose and re-live her stupidity. If she was indeed hurtling downwards harsh jagged rocks raised like swords of judgment, then so be it. “At least I have lived a good life… I think” she whispered to herself, the air whistling through her garments. Within seconds she would be just a pretty stain on the ground, her Indian Roadmaster bike would be somewhere a few feet away from her body in the same mangled state. She accepted death, yet as darkness loomed over, the wind shift as if something had snatched her in mid-air. When she came to, she was sitting on a padded basket-woven armchair, a plush throw pillow sitting on her lap, and what seemed like a fox-owl hybrid curled under her feet. “Kami, what was she thinking sending her granddaughter off without an escort? Does she want her to die?” “Nah, that’s unlike Tsunade. We found a mine under the bridge near the exit. Neji and I had to disarm it before it causes any unwanted damage. Everything was fine but you had to be a GIANT bag of dicks and pushed her off” “I didn’t push her on purpose! I noticed a trap the second before she ran over it so I had to do something!” “You could’ve just grabbed her, Kiba!” a crack of a whip and a man yelping in pain finally jostled Sakura out of her daze and looked around to see three people in various states of undress. “Are you okay? You’re Sakura, right?” she turned to look at the woman crouched beside her, “I’m Tenten” she said, placing a hand to her chest. She then shifted in her place to point and introduce the other two in the room. Neji, who Sakura presumed hadn’t spoken a single word, stood in an imposing manner, his long brown hair gently framed his steely gaze, his pale pupil-less eyes unnerved her. Sakura took notice of the peculiar flesh-coloured mark on his forehead, wondering if that was a birthmark but it was highly unlikely due to the symmetrical pattern splayed across his skin. Green eyes then focused on Kiba who decided that he wasn’t interested in the commotion anymore. His messy dark brown hair swayed as he plopped on the couch. Sakura could have sworn she saw sharp fangs peek through his slightly parted lips as he grumbled, nursing the red gash across his chest, probably from Tenten giving him a good lashing for pushing her off the ledge. I mean, he deserved it. I could have died, you know? As she was about to speak, her eyes flickered towards a sudden movement in her peripheral vision and caught site of a tall man wearing nothing but navy-coloured breeches. The plains of his stomach where a wondrous map of lean muscle despite the numerous scars and bumps probably from the battles he had partaken in his lifetime. Her eyes traveled upwards to see amusement in mismatched eyes. Her cheeks began to pink as she realized she was gawking. Sakura heard shuffling from behind her and three voices greeting the man in unison. “Captain” Sakura’s gaze darted between the three and the stranger. The man sauntered towards them from the hallway, the sway of his hips precise and nimble. There was something about his gait that caught her attention, it reminded her too much of the wolf documentaries she loved to watch as a kid, how those predatory animals would prowl, the air around them absolute.

Sakura sensed the change of ambience and tried to displace the blame for rapid heart rate to the previous incident. Try as she might, her cheeks pinked before his presence, and she knew it would be unwise to wear her emotions so freely, especially when she was face to face with authority.

Regaining her composure, she finally stood and bowed as she greeted in respect, it was the only way to remind her of their differing status.

But the man chuckled, however, and she would have snarled had it not for the fact that her voice trembled mid-speech.

“At ease, Miss Sakura. I see you finally decided to join us” he teased, drawing his hands behind his back as he watched her lips curl slightly upwards with a grimace. She admitted her fault in hopes of being forgiven, but his steely gaze chilled her, “Just to let you know, we don’t tolerate that kind of behaviour here” there was a snort immediately followed by a weak yelp emitted by one of the three people behind her, Sakura was tempted to take a look but the captain had thrown her off guard by his question. “Do you even know what Tsunade’s role was before she left?” he asked, brow arching. She would have scoffed, however there was a certain truth to his words. What was Tsunade’s role? Pursing her lips and loathing the way he assumed she didn’t have a single damn clue, to which to some extent he had a point, but she stood her ground nonetheless. She huffed with her chest out and answered. “Yes, she was a highly skilled field surgeon—“ “Field surgeon,” he cut her off, eyes squinting and lips forming a thin line at the word as if it tasted odd just by saying it, “Here in Elysium, we call them Sawbones” “Sawbones?” Sakura asked, feeling a hint of regret for the short pause she took. She would have asked about Elysium as well but it would only confirm his belief of her naivety. He eyed her with deep intent before taking a stride towards the high ceiling window that she was sure wasn’t there a moment ago. He folded his hands behind his back and looked on, the glass slowly clearing, and Sakura’s breathe caught in her throat. “As you can obviously see, this isn’t the human world” he deadpanned without so much as a glance her way. It took her moments before the air grew dry around them, followed by pinpricking sensation against her skin. She looked down on her arms and could almost see tiny hairs standing on end. Confused and unnerved, she glanced at the three people behind her who seemed unaffected by the current in the air. When she looked back did she knew what, or rather who was causing it. When Sakura thought she was dreaming awhile ago only to be deduced by the rapid descent and the alarming knowledge that she was going to die, watching the silver-haired captain emit purple lightning coursing through his body is what convinced her that she was indeed back at her new apartment, still curled up in a ball and nuzzling against her wolf plush. There was just no way all of this was real. Soon, Sakura felt the need to sit down and alleviate the overwhelming urge to pass out. Authority be damned, she needed to rest. But her body betrayed her, and she crumpled to the ground in an unconscious heap. The four figures stood in silence, the current slowly faded away. “I think you overdid the introduction there, Kakashi” Tenten scolded, the utter disappointment evident in her tone. Kiba doubled over, roaring in the background. Neji rolled his eyes, obviously fed up with playing along, but he would be lying if he denied the fact that it was anything but funny, “I can’t believe she didn’t know what Tsunade does” Kakashi, knelt in front of Sakura to scoop her in his arms, chuckling as he want to set her on the warm daybed by the window. “I can’t believe Tsunade didn’t brief her on the situation at hand” Kakashi said, a huffing in amusement. “You know Tsunade, she can be pretty secretive. Still, you didn’t have to go overboard with being a complete douchecanoe. If Tsunade finds out about this, she's going to ram your wand through your skull” Kakashi let out a hearty laugh at Tenten’s flowery quips. “Maa, maa, Tenten you don’t have to be like that, I’m your captain” “True, you are the captain, but I’d also like to think its because of you being captain that Tsunade retired early” Suddenly the atmosphere grew a little grim, Kiba immediately stood to excuse himself, with Neji following close behind. It was too late for Tenten to retract her statement, what meant as a lighthearted quip somehow struck a nerve in Kakashi but he kept calm despite the steely glint in his gaze. “I’m sorry, I went too far—“ Kakashi lifted a hand to stop her, “That’s alright. Anyway, we have he rest of the day to ourselves, see to it that you enjoy your afternoon. I’ll wait till she wakes up” “Certainly, captain” Tenten left the room in haste, leaving Kakashi with Sakura. He lifted his hand slightly above his hips and languidly pushed downwards an inch to grasp the backrest of the chair that he just conjured up with the gesture. He settled down then pulled a book and reading glasses out of thin air. It wouldn’t do all of them good if he was on edge for the meeting once Sakura wakes up from her fatigue. Flipping to the page he last read, he began to read the passages.

#ks #kakasaku #fanfiction #auberghynwrites #fantasy au #wizard kakashi #biker sakura #chapter 1 sawbones #multichap fic #will be illustrated

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