#<- a good one to blacklist if you don't want to see my vents

[antianakin]

So to start with, if you don't like this blog and the things I post on it, nobody's putting a gun to your head asking you to look at it. Feel free to block me, blacklist my username, block the anti and critical tags I try to use VERY frequently, etc. Nobody's asking you to look at the things I post and, quite honestly, the fact that you felt the need to leave me this message tells me that between the two of us, you're the one being unhealthy because you felt the need to tell someone innocently staying in their own lane that they're participating in fandom wrong rather than just... moving on and doing fandom in a way you enjoy more. If you want to see something else, go look at a different blog or make your own posts. Nobody's stopping you, least of all me.

But to actually answer the question you didn't ask, I made this blog because I wanted a place to make the kind of posts I wanted to see. Yes, it's a venting blog. That means sometimes I vent about the same thing more than once. Breaking news: people in fandom talk about the same hyperfixation more than once sometimes!

My best friend in the Star Wars fandom happens to be someone who really likes Anakin. So whenever I disliked something about Anakin, she was not the person I could go to in order to discuss it. Well, not always anyway. Not when I got particularly bitter about it. And at the time that I made this blog over a year ago, I didn't have anywhere else to go to vent those feelings, so I made one for myself. I made myself a tiny safe haven where I could simply write those feelings out that I never really saw anybody else making or discussing. This wasn't intended to be a popular blog. I expected it to get about two followers total maybe and a LOT of haters.

Instead, I've actually heard from a number of people that this blog let them feel seen. That the things I've written have felt really relatable to people who just can't connect to all of the Anakin love that tends to exist in the fandom. Because yes, Anakin's been the villain since the 1970s, but you must not have spent a lot of time in this fandom because that is NOT a thing that a lot of his fans tend to remember or even believe anymore. According to a good number of Anakin fans, the Jedi are the real villains and Anakin is just a tragic victim who didn't really do anything wrong. And even a lot of the people who DO recognize that Anakin is the villain of the story often still tend to like Anakin as this tragic character and will primarily post positive things about him. So for those of us who just... don't LIKE Anakin very much, there isn't as much content out there for us. You either accept all of the Anakin love along with the content for the other characters you like or you just... don't consume very much content within the fandom. Or you find a very specific niche to try to stay in that you like better, I guess. But Anakin's the main character of the main saga, he's hard to avoid entirely.

So this blog helps provide one little safe haven for others who just... don't like this character much.

And that's not even the entirety of this blog anyway. If you had scrolled through it much, you might've noticed the fic rec lists that have nothing to do with Anakin at all and are actually a lot more aimed at being Pro Jedi. Because this blog is just as much about loving the Jedi as it is about disliking Anakin. You might've also noticed the extensive AU concepts I've written a few times, one of the most recent of which actually ended up leading to Anakin surviving ROTJ and figuring out how to stop being a Sith and getting mentally healthy. And Anakin's not even the only character who's GOTTEN criticism on this blog, the pinned post on this blog lists a good 10 characters I've had to add to it because there IS going to be criticism for them here, too, from Satine and Bo-Katan Kryze, to Aleksander Kallus, to Crosshair and TBB as a show in general, to Padme Amidala herself. Not to mention some criticism of Ahsoka, as well, sometimes. I'm an all access kind of hater I guess, I like to have a varied diet of characters I complain about.

So yes, it's a blog named antianakin because the url wasn't taken, I thought it was funny, and it works as a WARNING for anybody who sees my posts or decides to come onto my blog. Obviously it doesn't keep EVERYBODY out who shouldn't be looking at them, look at yourself for a good example of that. But I like to think it's helpful. Yes, this is a venting blog where I allow myself to be negative and complain about characters I don't like in a space I have created for me to do that in. This does not mean that I am not EVER positive about Star Wars, it doesn't even mean that I'm never positive about Star Wars ON THIS BLOG. It just means that this is a place that I am allowed to be salty in, it is a place where I put my most bitter thoughts and feelings and throw them into the void that is Tumblr just to get them out of me.

This is MY safe space, MY little fandom haven. Nobody asked you to be here, so if it doesn't feel safe or even just entertaining for you, you're more than welcome to leave and go find somewhere else you like better or create your own little fandom space where you can create the kind of things YOU want to see. I can wholeheartedly recommend it.

#fandom wank

[chaifootsteps]

It's ultimately a small thing, and I consider it more of a pet peeve than anything actually based in criticism, but one of my favorite things to see is seeing how others interpret the deadly seven sins. ever since that dante's inferno game released like a decade or so ago, seeing people's designs of what the concepts would represent in a physical form is so fucking awesome to me and gives me so much inspiration.

the problem comes when i actually go and try to SEARCH for designs of them. idk about on other sites, but here on tumblr, the tag is just FILLED with hazbin hotel/helluva boss stuff. i know i could blacklist the words, but the thing is, i do want to see people's content and takes on the aforementioned series! but only when i want to; not when i'm looking for something else! if i blacklist the words too though, i wouldn't be able to see hh/hb stuff (and quite frankly, i don't want to constantly go into my settings just to add and delete blocked tags for a search i wanna do)

basically what i'm trying to say is that i wish viv gave a more original name to her designs of the seven deadly sins. maybe something like "the septet of hell" or something. idk tbh, i just wanted to be whiny and vent out my small annoyances with vivienne's series.

also, call me a weirdo but i'll always prefer the gluttony boss (cerberus) from the mentioned dante's inferno game compared to kesha bee. i like fucked-up gross things! what can i say?!

It's a valid complaint! If you were into demonology before Vivzie came on the scene or god forbid you want to work on your own thing involving demons, good luck getting any search results other than HH/HB. Andrealphus is a painful one just because the designs people used to make for him were so incredibly cool, and now they're all buried under incest Elsa peacock.

Horrible fucky Cerberus that looks like three andouillettes with mouths definitely beats sparkledog Kesha bee any day.

#emocatkeith #vivziepop critical #actual blog post #helluva boss critical

[catboii]

((just a "little" (ha) update I guess, nothing major, just a note that I'm sorry if I post alot this week with seemingly no regard for my/my muse's vast presence on the dash, or if I end up writing alot of short weird drabbles to vent.... if there's questionable stuff it'll be tagged like always <3

I understand if you need to unfollow me to keep your dash clear for other people if you're mobile etc. or if you need to blacklist my muse's url for a bit if it's overwhelming

After xmas everything may have settled and if you wanna refollow then I'd welcome you back and wouldn't ask any questions. your comfort (whatever that may classify as in the context) is my utmost priority!

normally I try not to clutter, and I try to keep general post reblogs minimal and just queue most of them. I'm just... not doing too good rn

then again it's a 50/50 that I'll be posting nothing at all, just making my muse's presence known if it wants to sorta wave at someone from the depths of my brain hell jail.

I'll still be checking in around xmas stuff bc this muse gives me v happy bubbly vibes whenever I write it and that's honestly what I need rn.

I'm sorry if your muse reblogs/replies to one of mine's posts or smth and I seemingly glance over it. I genuinely just didn't see it. I always try and respond to stuff, or if it doesn't know how to reply I at least acknowledge that my muse saw it by liking it. but I might not have the mental capacity to actually keep up w stuff

...

BASICALLY I'm either gonna be kinda quiet or rly hyperfixated on not being in my own head for the next week or so.

I'm obv stressed anyway bc I need to do xmas shopping still and it's a struggle bc online it probs won't come in time. we're going "late night shopping" on thursday though so hopefully we can get a bunch of stuff then

but mainly an old work friend of mine passed away today. He's been unwell for a few years, and I dunno if he knew what it was and was just keeping it quiet, or if they genuinely couldn't work it out. last I heard he was getting MRIs.

I had a complicated relationship w him (positive) bc he was either bipolar or had BPD like me (although he wasn't diagnosed with either, but it was obvious he at least had bipolar), and if you know anything abt BPD you know what an FP (favourite person) is, and we were sort of each other's when we were working together? I think. like I say he wasn't diagnosed, but it felt like that. we hit it off really quick and were both really comfortable with each other, and he was just the sweetest most supportive person. he was one of my FPs, which basically means my brain was cursed to be in intense friendlove with him. He would tell me that he loved me and appreciated my friendship, was always saying you need to tell people you love them, however you can, however you mean it, because you don't know if you'll ever get to tell them again

he always showed off the little things I made him and made sure everyone knew exactly where he got the silly little origami animals on his desk, or who made his juggling balls that were his favourite thing in the whole world bc I made them for him by hand, and picked the fabric out specifically for him.

One time around xmas, bc of covid, we had these big plastic screen dividers between our desks and I used posca paint pens to draw him a HUGE Robin in a scarf and santa hat (his name was Robin and people always got him little Robin themed things, he loved them) on the one by his manager desk, like a name tag, but Facilities told him he needed to clean it off and chastised him thinking he did it, and you're "not supposed to vandalise work equipment" even though they're literally washable and it was xmas. we were sticking decorations everywhere, how is it any different? but he played along but he was really mad. He didn;t wanna say it was me that did it, because he thought I might've gotten in trouble, but he also wanted to argue that I'd put alot of work into it. I hadn't put that much in, it was just for fun and I liked drawing it, and he got to see it! That was the important part. and I said so. but I cleaned it off and drew him a new Robin on a piece of paper and he kept it at his desk like a retired picket sign, and told the story to anyone who would be polite enough to listen

mostly though, he gendered me correctly (and he was in his 60s so being so passionate abt they/them pronouns was just really sweet, though he was clearly bi but still in the closet, so it was maybe a little projection, in a way, or just straight up quiet queer solidarity), and literally agressively made sure everyone else did too, when he realised I'd been just letting people at work use whatever pronouns, he got really proactive and made sure all my paperwork was marked as "them" officially (with my permission). if anyone misgenered me he would get visably annoyed or disgusted, and there were a couple people who "forgot" (every time) and he actually got angry at them about it and reported them for harassment, which might've been a little extreme, but I honestly felt so validated, and I'm tearing up thinking about it. I don't think anyone's ever fought that hard in my corner, especially after only knowing me for, at that point, less than a year.

We worked together in a couple different parts of the business for a couple years, until some stuff happened that I shouldn't say bc I need my rp blog(s) to stay far away from my professional life, but we were gonna be working together doing something else, but it wasn't his thing, it was stressful and there were other reasons, but he just lost it and walked out.

we had a little joke when we were training before he left, he had this soft toy robin that he let me borrow because I was really anxious, and I gave it a little notepad and pencil and wrote something silly on it for when he got it back each time. usually some out of context joke on what we learned that day, so we could both laugh about it. but when he left I still had it, and I messaged him saying I would get it back to him sometime, but he said to keep it to remind me of him.

I put it away to keep it safe, but I'm gonna have to go and find it, because it's one of the only physical things I have left of him.

#ooc post. #.vat file #rl illness ment- #rl death ment- #readmore. #I think I'm ok for now. I'm sorry about the stuff mentioned at the top but I'm not sorry this post is so long. for once. #you don't have to read it. but if you do? then hey. thanks. we're besties now. #I had a little rant about him and it's cathartic but I'm trying not to break down tbh #I think just expressing how much I loved him helps. he was just. so pure and wholesome in reality. #always showing how much he appreciated people...

[swamp-world]

not to bring my personal bullshit onto main but it's pretty fucking frustrating seeing students be relentlessly attacked for supporting Palestine, including student organizations in a great many ways, and a lack of any kind of solidarity from student orgs around here but it's FINE they wouldn't want to ROCK THE BOAT too much or JEOPARDIZE the hard work they've been doing or Just Release Statements (that were edited after they were last shown to everyone else involved, by another party not formally involved, and not recirculated before being shared in everyone else's names) That Say Nothing as if, you know, you couldn't make a statement that does say something. or holding off on a donation of [checks notes] $100 to the Palestinian Red Crescent back in November because "that's a large amount of the budget" i KNOW. im the one who MADE IT. anyways the situation with student organizing is just as dire as in labour organizing if not explicitly worse, because students are (not more, but differently) precarious members of the academic community, specifically undergrads, who make up the majority of student bodies. student organizations are systemically disadvantaged by virtue of being comprised of primarily early 20somethings who haven't had much other engagement. large scale student orgs often fall into infighting because the salaries are good and can be campaigned for relatively easily as long as you have money or connections, it's a resume-building opportunity for most involved even if the money isn't good and so there's no actual interest in actual organizing, and so student orgs so often end up getting dragged along behind the corpse of a university until the one-to-three year streak of people who are actually invested in it. i don't have experience in labour organizing so i don't know how this compares. but it feels pretty bleak right now. it is so easy on a systemic level to get the student orgs in the pockets of the schools themselves, entirely negating their purpose and value. solidarity and networking between student orgs is abysmal, even in provinces let alone nationally; the national associations of student orgs are both falling to pieces; and none of this is to speak of the entirely nonexistent solidarity between student and labour unions or orgs: student orgs don't prioritize labour solidarity often (beyond perhaps TAs) as an external networking piece, and labour orgs are (from my anecdotal understanding) not unreasonably lacking a bit of faith in student orgs, if they're visible or present enough at all to be a consideration.

anyways this is a long way around to say: apparently it was controversial to suggest solidarity with York Student Union when the university was threatening to withhold funding. Now students at Dartmouth are being arrested and imprisoned, Columbia is using chemical weapons on its students, there are blacklists of students and academics who so much as vote to support a referendum regarding a stance on palestine. This is not enough. and this is not a call to action, this is a vent, but.

i don't know. one small org can't change the world, and i don't think that is the case here, but with the icj ruling it just feels...awful.

[dumplingsjinson]

(don't mind me if we've moved on, I'm just a simple follower with my bindle, showing up late to the party)

I'm by no means going into relationship counseling for my degree BUT I do work at a psychiatric hospital for raw experience (I work FL, baker act laws an all, very, uh special compared to other involuntary laws anywho-) and my physical degree is in research for broad psychology.

With that being said, let me be as brief as possible. I'm super proud of you for speaking up to this guy, a good handful of my patients can't even do that and they end up with me short-term because they said the wrong thing to the wrong person (oh FL, and your special wording) or another involuntary placement happens (ex-parte or marchman) because not all relationships are great or have boundaries or what have you.

(Also again, not 100% my forte here, but I've been burned in real life to the point that my two extremes became "study the human psyche like a bug" and "study the human body like a bug" but in a villain origin story sort of way, and I'm almost done with the psyche part, I'll be a real villain with the other part, not the point-). I did kind of scroll past some of your other vents about this and skimmed them so forgive me, I lack the attention span for things. I want you to know that your concerns look valid, and some of your friends (not us) also seem concerned (and some of us, here, also have concerns). You have a decently broad support system and you're using it in such a good way, don't let anyone take it from you (block out the haters. Spoons, CDs on the glasses). The reason we get suspicious from past things is also 100% valid, we've been burned (or however you personally want to describe it) before more likely than not. I'm not here to tell you to break up with your significant other immediately if there's no reason for it. You're allowed to be suspicious. But you're also doing great by working up this courage to speak up, that's one of the hardest steps. I know for me, speaking up in some situations (even coming off anon sometimes, I'm also super anti-social and I picked psychology as a degree, research as a pth and a psych hospital as a job, which is the most social thing I could find, 0 stars) often feels like those movie scenes with intense fear and anxiety, almost fishbowl-like, y'know what I mean?

Make yourself come first at the end of the day no matter what. You don't have to have main character energy in the sense that you own everything and get away with everything, but you should make sure you do things for you, not to keep the peace. If you're not happy, you've got a support system from what you've demonstrated, you can do anything with that. If you think something is amiss, trust that feeling, investigate safely, draw your own conclusions because obviously you know more than your devoted tumblr followers because we do not live in your head (that'd be weird, a constant party I'm sure, but still weird).

I personally don't know the full story, so I don't want to dictate your decision and I'm just some girl on anon who's crying over a piece of paper from a university, I've got my own life struggles beyond my piece of paper that I probably could've bought off Amazon if I were smart (alas, am not, went to school instead; I could probably solve my other struggle like that too right? anyone know a good neurologist I can buy off Amazon at this point. Mine completely forgot which patient I was LMAO she keeps asking if I'm her chronic TBI patient like bro? huh? so I'm back at square one with 0 treatment because of her stupidity, maybe worse because of how it happened, anyway this leads into my next point). A little venting only hurt people who want to be mad that they didn't blacklist what they don't want to see, a little venting might help you think straight, do what you gotta do so you can do what's best for you. This bubble is your world, not his, not mine, not some other anons, not another tumblr user's.

Like I said, I'm not very social, this is my anon two cents worth. My psych charcuterie board, my social interaction for the week. Time to fuck back off into the woods into my witch cabin once again, recharge, cause psychic damage to someone to balance out this anon, y'know, girlie things. (I said brief earlier and gave you a thesis I'm so sorry LMFAO I do that a lot).

First of all, I am very honoured you're out here writing out a thesis for me LMAOOO.

This was a really entertaining read I'm ngl, and I'm a little at a loss for what to reply with so excuse me for my brevity but thank you so much for the encouragement.

Ever since getting into this relationship, I feel like I've wracked up the nerves to communicate my needs and confront someone when something's gone wrong, or when something's irking me. The anxiety, or the want to get rid of that anxiety, is what drives me to do what I never thought I'd do. I'm starting to realise I'm someone who cannot let something sit on my chest or it'll absolutely suffocate me, so I let that be the driving force of getting me into action.

My brain basically works like this now: "We need to alleviate this anxiety now by talking with them. Is it nerve wracking? Yes. Does it feel like you're gonna die? Also yes. But could you let this sit on your chest for any longer than it already has before it actually fucking kills you? No. So just fucking do it and don't look back."

And yeah, my support system on both here and within my own friend group has helped immensely, I don't think I would have been able to do this alone.

Obviously, the mix of opinions and advice can sometimes make me feel a little bit muddled up on what to do, but I do end up taking some of the advice on board, mixed with my original plan on what to do, and it's full steam ahead after that.

#anon asks #not prompts

[drizzileiscool]

new pinned new pinned new pinned

yo!! welcome to my blog!!

I'm just a regular drizzile. nothing out of the ordinary. no eebydeeby stuff going on here I was never a human to begin with (although it is weird that I never remember being a sobble)

My name is Azure, btw! a human who I'm friends with gave me this strange rock thing called azurite and decided to name me after it since I didn't already have a name before meeting her

also the pokedex is a liar I am not smart at all lol

Anyways this is also a drizzile propaganda blog because for some reason people don't like my species. why is that. what is wrong with you humans

but that's not all! this is also an ask blog now (as of october 26th 2023)!!! because I really want to talk to people but find it really hard to start a conversation

Feel free to send an ask about Literally Whatever! as long as it's not nsfw I will answer your ask!!

I'm hoping that this blog will make people realize that us drizziles are indeed cool

ooc/tags/more info under the cut

OOC

hello again thanks for clicking the read more thing

I am the owner of this blog, I go by either drizzile or sig (drizzile is preferred if we aren't twitter mutuals)

fyi, for any irl friends that manage to find this blog, please do not use my real name on here! just call me drizzile or sig instead! I don't like having irl information about me online

I'm bad at talking to other people sorry!! if you want to talk to me then you're either gonna have to @ me or respond to one of my posts

info about Azure:

Azure is a drizzile. I don't think they're good at being a drizzile though /j but they sure as hell are one!

they're basically just me if I were a drizzile. that also applies to the things like gender and pronouns. so both me and Azure are non binary and use any pronouns

the world that Azure lives in is also basically just the real world. only instead of the different continents it's the actual pokemon regions. also yes tpc exists in their universe and so do the pokemon games and anime and other pokemon related media

Azure lives in galar! specifically galar mine 2 (though they occasionally make visits to hulbury, spikemuth, and ballonlea. what are they doing there? I have no idea. they just like the Vibes™ I guess)

Azure has not been outside of galar

And y'know how I mentioned that they don't remember being a sobble? that's because they were born as a drizzile! they haven't actually experienced being a sobble. also they can't evolve for some reason but they don't mind since they don't really want to

They're also a shiny drizzile! But they like to keep that a secret since they think humans will try to catch them if they find out. Feel free to ask about that as well. Make them suffer /j

anyways

TAGS!

these were all created before I gave azure a name and it was still Drizzile and im too lazy to change these to say azure instead of drizzile

not drizzile - things that are ooc (as well as things that aren't drizziles)

probably drizzile but not at the same time - posts that are both in character and ooc because this happens alot for some reason. feel free to interact as either in character or ooc, either is fine

ideas of drizzile - some ideas I have that I think could be really cool

drizzile tagging tag - the tag I use when I create a new tag. ironically this tag wasn't created by me lol. created by thatoneguy031 (sorry I'm too shy to actually tag you lol)

drizzile is liveblogging - liveblogging random stuff, such as games and anime. will probably clog up your dash

azure lore - random lore/facts about azure

hey future drizzile you should draw this - things I want to draw but currently can't due to my drawing abilities and time

tw suggestive - suggestive or slightly nsfw posts. feel free to blacklist this tag if you don't like seeing that kind of stuff

important - things that are important to this account, like announcements

vent - self explanatory I think. all vents are ooc if I ever forget to tag one as ooc or just don't feel like tagging it btw

LINKS

carrd (has more info about me)

twitter (currently private but will gladly accept follow requests)

this is the end of the pinned post

if anyone wants to talk to me, feel free to add me on discord @ sigpuyopuyo

#//i suck at social interaction sorry if it takes forever to ask/reply to something #pin #pinned post #pokemon #drizzile #pkmn irl #ask blog

[cdaae]

Thank you for speaking up about the very real issues in tPotO fandom. You are not the only one to feel unsafe and unwelcome in it from fake allyship. Everyone wants to be an ally until it’s time to do ally stuff. I guess many would rather look the other way to keep the peace but how does that feel to the people affected by these things? I wish this fandom would do better. But from what I have seen I am not hopeful.

This phandom can be so great. I've been here for a long time and I've made some many friends and changed and grown so much over the years. I was young when I first got here and I didn't see a lot of the problems. Then I stepped back for a bit. And now that I'm here as an adult and I’m active again, seeing some of the things going on that don't get addressed... it's disheartening. There are a lot of people here that don't get involved in this kind of thing and I get that. It can be messy and honestly fucking scary to call someone out for being shitty. I still get anxious talking about the Jessica situation- she has a documented history of going after people who try to speak up against her. But it also gets to a point, for me anyway, where I feel like I need to say something. And I don't expect anything from people here. Sometimes I'm just venting. Sometimes I'm trying to give people here a heads up about someone they might come into contact with. It doesn't happen very often. Insolentboi was a big one and now Jessica. And if people don't interact with my posts- there could be many reasons. I don't judge, I don't care. I feel like I've done what I can by speaking up. But what does suck is the people who interact with the posts and act like they care and even share the posts in order to spread awareness and then turn around and continue to be friends with her. I know they know that she's a racist, homophobic bully. So do they not really care? Is their e/c fix more important than not supporting someone like that? As a member of the lgbt+ community, seeing someone pretend like they care here and remain friendly with a homophobe makes me feel unsafe. I know I can't trust you now because whatever you're getting out of her content is more important. Even if her book was really good, I can't understand this.

I had a conversation with someone recently that I'd been friendly with in the past. I showed them some of the things Jessica has done and they acted horrified and were so grateful that I informed them because they wouldn't want to interact with someone like that. And yet... she still goes out of her way to be nice to Jessica. I've talked to a few people about it and it's not because I want them to block her necessarily but because I would want to know if someone I was interacting with was a racist, homophobic bully. But what bothers me is the fake show- when someone reacts just absolutely horrified, when they reblog posts, and say things like "oh I'm definitely not going to read her book"... and then they leave a comment telling her how wonderful her book is. It's the people that know, act like they care, but still continue to show her support that are getting to me. This is the fake allyship- trying to convince me you care about the issue but continuing to openly support the problem.

Sometimes it can be frustrating to try and draw attention to a problem and people here don't say anything. I do wish more of the community would be an active part of these things, because that's how we make change. Jessica wasn't blacklisted from the supernatural fandom until the community spoke out on a large scale and drew attention to the things she was doing. I hope to god we don't let her behavior get as bad as it's gotten in her other fandoms before we finally do something or worse, that we never do anything. Everyone deserves to feel safe in fandom.

Thank you for your message. I'm sorry that you're experiencing the same feelings. Phandom can be so great for sharing ideas and making art and just having community, but there are the ugly parts too.

[da-proti-toku-grem]

🚨 macang-world → da-proti-toku-grem

Hi! My name is Maca and here are some things about me:

My pronouns are she/her

I'm 18

I'm from Spain

My asks and dms are always open and I'm always happy to talk with all of you, so if you want to talk/vent/ask anything you're more than welcome

This is my main blog and I like too many things to make a sideblog for each one, so you'll find everything here. I always tag everything though, so in case you don't want to see some content, you can just block the tags that you feel like.

TV shows:

Young Royals, Good Omens, The Umbrella Academy, Julie and the Phantoms, Heartstopper, Locke & Key, The Blacklist, Lucifer, El Ministerio del Tiempo, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, One Of Us Is Lying, The Boys, The Sandman, Wednesday

Movies:

Avatar & Avatar: The Way Of Water, Transformers, Fast & Furious, The Old Guard

Music/Artists I listen to:

Omar Rudberg, Joker Out, Käärijä, Imagine Dragons, Måneskin, Sam Smith, Blas Cantó, Pablo Alborán, Loveless, Angel22 (and a lot more but those are the main ones rn)

#about me #personal #mine

[zet-sway]

I'm making the decision to vent my shit here. If you don't want to see these posts, please blacklist "negativity." I'm not doing this to because I want attention. I really just need to vent somewhere and I don't want to vent to any person directly because it makes me feel bad. My next therapy appointment and my psychiatrist is in two weeks.

Last night I cried for two hours straight. I called my husband and begged him to come home so I didn't have to be alone. I laid in bed and thought "I don't want to wake up tomorrow." I was this close to taking myself to a crisis center.

I don't know what the fuck is going on but it's bad. I want to call out of work but what the fuck good will that do me? Calling out will create more work for myself because no one is going to do my tasks while I'm out, and I know my depression will not just be magically healed by calling out.

My usual coping strategies are not helping. I am scared, full of shame, and sad. The news is making me scared to breathe the same air as anyone else and all I want to do is eat. I've gained so much weight. I dread going up the stairs at work because it makes me so winded. I feel totally joyless and without motivation or the ability to enjoy things.

I could talk to a friend about all this but it makes me feel even worse to burden someone else with my bullshit. And I have a nice life, all things considered. So to complain makes me feel so ungrateful and sad. I know my feelings are valid and depression doesn't always have a reason but it's hard to compare my sadness to someone who is struggling to make ends meet, or who has found themselves recently unable to work due to disability, or who is struggling to find work.

All I can say is I'm sorry. I came here to write fanfic and make people happy but I can't even create happiness for myself right now and I'm so so sorry. I just need to hold on for two weeks so I can get the help I need.

Thank you, if you're still here. Shit's really hard right now. I'm sorry. I'm trying to get better.

#zet things #negativity #tw suicide #i guess?????

[rottenholiday]

A letter to the crushes of the past

❤️1. I think you were an accident. To this day im not sure if my crush on you was genuine or if it was proximity combined with pressure from our parents. Either way im glad i grew out of it

❤️2. You were a mistake. I got lucky that you were never really interested in me other than to vent about your other "conquests"

❤️3. You were cool. Sometimes i wornder what would have happened if we had taken a chance, but i think you're with your soulmate now. I hope you two are happy and thriving

❤️4. You were... a complicated experience. At the time, you made me feel safe, and i gave you a lot of my firsts that probably should have gone to other people. Somehow you managed to be a significant presence in all of my relationships, but you also paved the way for me to have the friends i do now. Sometimes i wonder if you would have had the hold on me you did if i had met others like you way earlier

❤️5. Honestly, you got shafted, and i apologize for that. I met you at a time where i still had feelings for someone else, and you never gave me time to get to know you well. I dont think you ever had my full attention, and you didn't deserve that, but i was also not going to be your savior. You needed a better family, not a lover. I wish you had figured that out before you went down your current path. It's going to end you if you're not careful and no one will be able to help

❤️6. You were and are a walking red flag. How you haven't been blacklisted from the public is beyond me. Maybe you have, i try not to think about you anymore. I wish you would go away completely

7❤️ i think you were the real catalyst to me discovering myself. I wish we could have had more sleepovers. I didn't get to have enough time with you. Sometimes i still get the itch to hug you like before when i see you. I hope you're doing well where you are

8❤️ i kind of wish we hadn't tried to date. I would have happily kept my feelings to myself to keep my friend for a little while longer. I dont think there was any way we could have ended things on good terms and it sucked to lose you like that.

9❤️ I wish we had started off as friends. When i met you wli wasnt fully healed enough to give you the love you deserved, even if i thought i was. I wish i could talk to you again, maybe start over, but i wouldn't even know what to say now.

10❤️ I'm putting you here first because i need you to know that you are similar, but not the same. I really do like you for you, but i don't think we would have been able to make it work. There would always be a political undercurrent to our relationship, and i would not have had the patience necessary to make sure we were on the same page every time. I want us to stay friends, or... go back to being friends, and i know in order to do that i have to push through my insecurities to bridge that gap. I don't know if im ready yet, but i hope i get the burst of manic energy necessary to do it soon.

11❤️You might be the hardest to write for. I want to talk to you, but im scared to do so because i have too much to say, and at the same time, the words die in my head every time i try to write them out. I want to talk to you, but I'm terrified of being annoying, and currently the only way to talk to you is to be constanly aware that you may not want to talk to me back, which means i have to be sure that im not trying to talk to you at a time you dont want to talk to me, so its easier to keep my thoughts to myself. I miss being around you while you're being creative, i want to hand out with you again, but right now, i feel like the risk is greater than the reward. Maybe in a few more weeks, i might be willing to risk it, but the thought of trying to talk to you now has become daunting. I dont know how to fix it without potentially making things work. At least now im at a point where i won't cry myself to sleep at night if you reject me.

#don't mind me i just needed to vent #my journal was right there but it's too dark and my hands write too slow #we can call this poetry if you like #might try to revive my tumblr era #of course its angst i dont know any other way to live

[icedmetaltea]

Sorry I saw that post earlier and wanted to respond when I got home but I guess you deleted it- just wanted to see how you were doing :( Seems like you've been having highs and lows lately. I wish you the best - 🐌

Aww ty anon (snail anon? Snanon) I've been going through a lot irl if it wasn't apparent from my frequent vent posts. I'll have ideas and feel good and confident about them and then one little thing will happen and like... it all slips away and I hate myself and everything I make again.

I just started therapy two weeks ago and I know it's gonna be a long time before I can take care of myself and live independently, let alone have like, a stable confidence in myself and what I make.

Like yesterday I finally had one pretty good, low-anxiety day and then today the strangle-y feeling is back in my throat and no amount of air feels like enough. I hate it and wouldn't wish this upon anyone. I know it bleeds out into my blog and ya'll don't want to see depressing stuff but it is what it is, I can only tag stuff as irl stuff and vent and hope ppl will blacklist it if it bothers them

But yea ramble aside, ty very much snanon ❤️

#Answer tag #Metaltea Talks #irl stuff #vent #tw anxiety #*gives snanon a leaf to sit on*

[jaz-it-up]

mega vent post time (please blacklist #vent if you don't want to see this, i am on mobile and don't know how to do a read more)

okay so. my college campus is a 10 minute walk from downtown. that's fine, that's cool. i walked there twice in two days this weekend bc i thought it'd be fun, and i made sure to hydrate before and during bc it's hot as hell down here.

two simple ten-minute walks each day exhausted me to the point where i was too tired to sleep. i am still trying to recover.

i am an oboist. i have made it a part of me. i have, however foolishly, made it my purpose to be an oboist. but oboe is a very physically demanding instrument, and more and more often, i have found myself having to stop playing so i can stay conscious. between that and issues with my jaw and teeth (which are crucial to playing oboe), it's starting to get to the point where i can't play anymore.

music has been my entire life. i've only ever been good at music. my entire immediate family are instrumentalists, and so are much of my extended family. i want to be a music major or minor at my college, but that requires four semesters of private lessons.

with how badly my physical health tanked from two simple ten-minute walks, i fear that two full years of rigorous college-level lessons could hospitalize me or worse.

what do i do? if i don't pursue music, i risk destroying what little mental health i have left. if i do pursue music, i risk destroying my physical health. either way, i fucking lose.

either way, i self-destruct.

i'm sorry for how long and negative this is. it may just be the fatigue, but i am at one of, if not the, lowest points of my life, and there doesn't seem to be a way back up.

i know i have to stay alive, and i swear to each and every one of you that i am not going to do anything in that vein. it's just very fucking hard to exist right now.

#vent #i spent my weekend discovering that i may be physically disabled and i hate it so so so so much #i wanna go back to last week when everything was okay #jaz.original #jaz.college

[fishfinz]

Dear Diary

i'm starting a thing here that i used to do on quotev 6 years ago. please avoid these at all costs if you'd be triggered by:

general venting

suicidal ideation

severe depression

cursing

blacklist the tag "finleys.diary". i'll also individually tag the entries.

i guess people aren't wrong when they say the heavy things only really hit you after 10. because i'm upset again. and this time i'm angry.

i don't know my best friend as much as i wish i did. and i don't think he wants to tell me. i ask him to tell me and he dodges. is it because he doesn't want to? or is it the fear that i won't like what i hear?

we argued over the same topic two separate times. i'm emotionally drained.

the way he approaches conflict doesn't mesh with mine. we just argue and then act like nothing happened, that's not good for me. i have anxiety and i hate avoiding hard conversations. i know if we would just sit and actually fucking talk about it then some things would start to make sense!

everything i know about him, the government does too. so what do i really fucking know? lets see;

i know what he looks like. as the government would.

i know he hates democrats (or reaally wants to talk about how "bad" they are). as the government would.

i know how old he is. the government would know that AND the time so they know more than me in that aspect. [/exaggerating]

i have a vague idea of where he lives and where he works. as the government would.

i know he has "a hillbilly cousin who has a black girlfriend". he tried to use this to reassure me that his family wouldn't treat me, a dark-skinned, nonbinary, trans man, differently.

and i know he thinks racism isn't as bad as everyone thinks it is. that one's paraphrased.

i'm tired of being disrespected. but i'm too scared to hurt his feelings. he has literally said he depends on me. that i helped him through his depression.

the right thing to do would be to end this already. i don't know him. he barely knows me. but who am i to abandon him?

#anger #finleys.diary #vent #swearing

[cryptramesses]

Greetings!

Hello new folks, I see that my one mini-vent caught a few eyes. Thank you for following this blog. It's pretty personal to me, unaffiliated for the most part from my other work (youtube and twitch). It's a much more personal place to reach out to me but also for me to just express myself as an individual.

I do post a lot of pagan and kemetic content, it's not my primary content however. I post about fandoms I'm in too, since this is a personal blog, and the things people like are just as important.

A few interesting things about me that I want to share:

I've been practicing this faith of mine for as long as I can remember

I am very well versed and currently solo in my practice, but wasn't always that way

I am accepting of all views, religious beliefs, philosophies, and moralities provided that they don't harm others

I love learning new things, and encourage interaction with my stuff so people can teach me things, just like I want to teach them things

This is a constructive space, and I am happy to keep it that way. While I may call out things that are problematic (not in the tumblr 2013 way, but in the 'this actually puts people in harms way and causes lasting damage to people' sort of way) I never make it a goal to rip people down or hurt others. It is true that some people should be de-platformed, especially when a cult of personality has formed around them, but I do not set out calling things out with that goal -- everyone deserves chances, and it is not my job to say whether someone is a good person or not. My only job is to bring attention to an issue so that way the people doing the less than stellar things are pressured into learning something that may not have been taught to them sooner.

If you are involved with the House of Netjer/The Kemetic Orthodox Religion, you are welcome to be on my blog. But know that I do not endorse, support, or condone the actions and opinions of Tamara L. Siuda for a multitude of reasons. I will probably make a deep dive about the House of Netjer on my Youtube at some point, covering all the general stuff including both all the good and all the messed up stuff that's going on there, so stay tuned for that if you want to see all sides and formulate your own opinion (you'd be surprised how hard it is to find information on this topic). Despite this, I welcome people who are involved with that organization, and even encourage the difference of opinion. Just please blacklist the tag #netjerrant to make sure it doesn't show up on your dash -- I'd hate for people to feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in any regard even if we hold different religious opinions.

Last but not least my blog is a safe space for people regardless of who they are. There are some key moral things that I'm particularly against, which I will disclose on a different post, but for the most part this blog is supportive and welcoming of all. This includes, but is not limited to, neurodivergent folks (I am autistic so of course), members of the LGBTQIA+ communities (I myself am Demi), members of BIPOC communities, people who struggle with disability (mental and physical - I personally struggle with EDS and POTS as well as work closely with people who have DID and PTSD so I am welcoming to others of similar issues), and those who are lost or struggling in this time.

What I mean to say is that this blog will never be a source for hate. Even when I disagree with something, it doesn't mean I hate those that hold opposing opinions. The world is never black and white, you learn that pretty quickly over time, so whichever shade of gray you fall into when it comes to questions and situations, know that despite the inevitable differences we have, you're always welcome to interact and share your opinions, experiences, and feelings. Those are valid, and my experiences will never be the same as yours, and I do respect that.

tl;dr thank you for checking out my blog, thank you to those who are now following, I post a lot of content to express myself and I hope you like what you see. Don't be scared away by my opinions if they don't match yours, tell me your feelings on a situation, this is a safe space and my opinions are anything but solid. No matter where your opinions lie, chances are you're welcome here.

See you around everyone: Senebty!

#ramessesrambles #greetings #queue

[coffinofconfections]

TW; ED (binge, past ana), weight loss, fasting, weight loss goals, venting about body image, starting a diet

I'm about 70lbs overweight from where I want to be. And I feel so upset with my body. I got top surgery, so now I just want the rest of me to look good.

I feel so ugly with the way my body holds fat. I can't even look in the mirror today. When I did this morning, I got so stressed I considered taking an Ativan because the overload was coming. I can't really cry when I need to, or properly express emotions, so I just immediately go into overload mode as soon as the swelling feeling starts, and I break down because I don't know how to properly, or in a healthy way, express whatever is happening in me.

I started intermittent fasting again. 16-8, which is sixteen hours fasting with an eight hour eating window. I finally threw out the ice cream I bought last night because it was making me really sick anyway for some reason, so one less thing to help with food choices during this.

I also found some old pictures of myself from when I was eighteen and in my early twenties, and I was perfect, even though I struggled to really see how thin I was then. Besides the chest I hated, thankfully those are gone now, I had a mostly flat tummy. I looked so good and wore a size small and medium. I just... didn't have this big neck and I didn't struggle to find clothes that I actually like in my size. Right now, shopping for clothes online is depressing and almost no one makes attractive or cool clothes for fat people like me. So I just need to finally control myself, and I'll be happier.

People will probably pay more attention to my artwork and writing then too. I've seen people who are thin and very attractive get so much attention, and while they put a ton of work in to get where they are as artists, I just feel like if I was skinny and attractive too I'd stand a better chance at success.

When I was thinner, I had dates and I wasn't alone. Now, no one wants to date me in the seven years I've tried. I lost the only thing I had going for me when it comes to dating.

So, goals:

Go from ~220lbs to 150lbs.

Stop binge eating because this binge ED just makes everything else worse, and no one seems to take it seriously anyway when I ask for help. Many people didn't take me seriously when I was anorexic years ago, and a couple doctors even encouraged my weight loss, so none of it matters. I looked at my psych records from then and my psychiatrist marked that my weight looked good and healthy, and I looked fine, so nothing I said even mattered to her. She didn't even note anything about the ED or my chronic stomach illness. So fuck it.

Fit into smaller sizes because all the clothes I wish I could wear are for skinny people.

Feel more confident because of weight loss. I hide myself behind baggy clothes now, but at least if I was thin, the baggy clothes would look cute instead of... not. All the oversized fashions are made for skinny people anyway, and it stings to see skinny people wearing fat people clothes like they're a cute fashion statement with the way they hang off their body. It just feels a little 'in your face' to me.

NOTE: If you're triggered heavily by EDs of any kind, please block keywords. I will be using the tags: tw; weight loss, diet, intermittent fasting, and stuff related so please blacklist those if you can't see that stuff. I always post trigger warnings at the top of posts as well.

#tw; weight loss #intermittent fasting #diet

[chrimsone]

This blog has really become some weird journal of mine, eh? What, I've realized I'll never have the social skills to get a group of people to call my own here. So might as well throw some long-winded mind-dumps out into the void. Someone might listen, don't really care if they do.

I've tried lots of things. Verbal words don't work. My mind doesn't work right in translating thoughts to the tongue. I'm lucky to have a better time typing out my brain-think than nothing at all. I've tried many a therapist. None really stuck. Just as we maybe would have gotten somewhere, something would happen and I'd just never reschedule. I've just given up on the route now.

Now on paper I tried a few. I used to draw out some feelings. Sometimes they'd be good but once I realized I just shouldn't draw I haven't tried. The bonus though is I don't cut anymore because of that. Blood really is the prettiest medium. Text is the closest I can get. I have a plethora of notebooks. Some well used, others only a few pages. The unlucky ones have many pages torn out. And the majority are completely untouched. Several books have attempted to become journals of mine. One sits to my left, a taunt to try and keep up. Otherwise, Docs carry a lot of vents. It's mostly annoying and I want to delete them. Not fun glancing at some of my saddening words when I just want to find an old story I was working on. There might be more things I've tried but they were inconsequential enough to not be worth remembering.

This came to mind recently because I had a chat with my clanmates. I've been avoiding interaction to prevent my complaining of my job. It's retail, these last two months are the worst time to be working retail, and it's most of what I can think about. Hell it's triggered a depressive episode multiple times. Can't do shit but sit and stare at the menu of my browser or steam. If I'm lucky I'll doomscroll enough of Reddit to hit either a sub in a different language or some obscure kink I haven't blacklisted yet. That's the most I amount to nowadays.

I want to write, you know I had plans to participate in NaNoWriMo? I couldn't even break 1k words on my attempt. I haven't looked at any of my other stuff. I try to think about it, and the same sentence loops in my head over and over and over and over -- as the anxiety of my next shift paralyzes me.

I spent a good chunk of this summer and fall just reading fics. Sometimes reading for the story. To see what people can do with an idea, or franchise I find interest in. I learned some things about media I'd normally never care about just because the premise of the fic seemed interesting. Learned the horrors of lust, but that's just a me thing. I tried to read with the intent of learning about writing.

Have I mentioned it before? I'm terrified to pursue a career in literature. I'm scared I'll find out I have some stupid gene that prevents me from even trying to get a good footing. I'm scared of what I might do if I ever find out. This is the last thing I'm clinging onto for some kind of future, and all that's left is hope.

So I look at how people write. I try to figure out what they do. Do they write in present or past tense? Is it better to do one over the other, or is it just preference? What habits does an individual form? How often do they repeat that?

How do I look like as a writer compared to them? Is my tense fucked up? I find myself writing in past tense, am I not supposed to? Are my patterns too obvious? Do I fall into habit too quick? Are my characters too similar? Does what I write even make sense?

I've been reading a bit again. Not much though. I feel guilty? Inferior? Frustrated. The source material has so much potential, and this is what people do with it? Hurt. I want a friend. I reached out, but all I received was a mere brush of contact. I feel alone in what remains of my passion. I try to connect with the friends I already have, but to them it's nothing more than a mere hobby. A consideration at most.

I don't tag these so I hope it doesn't show up on any radars to be honest. But I finally gave myself time to watch some of the Mandalorian. I've been wanting to, kind of. I never had any interest in Star Wars, a silly childhood trauma caused me to denounce the franchise, and by the time I no longer feared what I had, I didn't care. When the show was announced, my interest was piqued one way or the other. I always liked people who kept themselves masked up. I had no idea until what? Two years ago? But now that I've made the connection it's easy to say when that fascination pokes through. It happened with this.

I watched the first episode late at night. I had my phone on some shitty mobile game to keep my attention on. I wholly expected to not be interested. Catch onto the plot, find it boring and just watch to satisfy my niche.

Did you know that a beskar ingot disappears from Mando's hands in-between cuts in that first episode? I thought it was a CGI error in the beginning, but the way they handled the prop felt too real. So somehow in filming they forgot to tell him to hold the ingot during a set. It's only in like, the bottom left corner, barely noticeable. But I did.

I woke up the next day fully expecting to binge what I could. I watched the next two episodes after. And I loved them. The direction enamored me. It felt like something I would want to write. I desperately want to see the script for the show. How they planned out such amazing episodes. The action was entertaining, I thought to myself while watching how I could try to translate that into words. If I could.

In the opening of one of the first three episodes, I noticed a bandolier on his shin. I thought to myself, 'strange, that's not a very convenient place to stash your extra bullets.' and chalked it up to character design and left it there. Except, it wasn't I'm pretty sure, later in the same episode, he's kneeling, and using those bullets on his shin for the extra-charged sniper shot. Whatever that thing is. It all clicked and I fell in love.

And then I watched the fourth episode.

Something was off right away. He was talking a lot all of a sudden. Using more words than necessary. I thought, 'oh it's just to communicate with a child! They're still learning social skills so it's good to be thorough', but it never stopped. I noticed the show fell back into the monotony most shows have. I finished feeling gross. I didn't like the direction the story had went. I didn't like the shift from visual story telling to so much dialogue.

Would that opinion translate well to text?

The increase of work stress stopped me from really watching. I accepted that I probably won't get back to the show until after the Black Friday week. That was fine.

But I learned, the first three episodes weren't well received. It baffled me. I bet people were saying 'why not condense all that into one episode and get on with it?' I can see that complaint, and if it weren't written so well, maybe I'd agree.

I write like that. A lot of detail in a small frame of time. Those first three episodes had the style of something I would make. I'm obviously not as experienced. But I recognized the care to the small bits most overlook. Now I'm apprehensive about even finishing the show. I'll never get those three episodes back from the sounds of it. I'll never get the slow burn, minimal dialogue, action and establishing shots. It's something the people don't like.

Guess if I ever got my foot somewhere, I could change that.

One last thing before I end this month's message. Still related to writing. I applied to work for Bungie. To get out of the job I hate, and work for something I love.

At least they gave me a response.

I think that added to my depressive slump lately too. I just don't have what it takes. All I have is what? Four shitty fics posted to the public? All but one being from when I was sixteen. Everything else is in my head, with only a few being lucky enough to even get a rough draft somewhere in one of my notebooks or docs. Wonder If I'll ever get to work on a story for real.