#^just b open w ur partner n communicate! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

flustersluts · 2 years

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hi there!! i've seen some other anons ask u for advice/thoughts so i hope this is ok to ask but feel free to ignore if not/if u dont have the energy lol i'm just Frazzled and looking for insight !!

i'm in a v new relationship, my first ever and i'm 23 so i have gone a VERY long time without experiencing relationship-y things and i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing lol. he is understanding about my inexperience but after our 4th date yesterday i realized he's a lot more... tactile?? and flirty than i was expecting. i am Very easily flustered by all this as u can imagine (being alone and generally non-touchy for 2 decades will do that ig lol) and i genuinely have no idea how to respond/reciprocate?? like it's kind of nice, it's the kind of thing i always dreamed of really! but now that i'm really experiencing it i just feel so awkward and uncomfy and idk how to bring it up without hurting his feelings lol. like, cuddling?? making out??? i don't rly Get It ig, like we would kiss for max like 30 seconds and i'd have to pull back and stop bc it's so overwhelming to me, but he just seems so comfortable and open that i feel bad that i'm not lol. i feel like i wanna become more comfortable with it but i also feel like i need him to take it slower yk??

idk, ig i was just wondering what your thoughts on all this are and whether you had any ideas on how to broach this... i'm clueless lol. (also, sorry for the novel omg)

ok standard disclaimer that im just a little dude (gender neutral) and haven't been in a long term relationship so take what i say w/ a grain of salt - u know ur own situation much better than me!

ftr i think everyone moves at their own pace when it comes to physical affection / flirting and while it's amazing n loads of fun it can also be very stressful and tiring and vulnerable esp. if it's new so you definitely have nothing to feel bad about in terms of not being up for everything yet! it's good you're not feeling pressured into things and that you're giving yourself time to acclimatise.

i also think it's a great idea to communicate this stuff to him. obvs I don't know you or him but it sounds like it's more a question of pacing / taking things slow and I'm sure he'd want you to be comfortable first and foremost, so I would try not to worry about hurting his feelings? from his perspective I feel like if he knows your boundaries he can go about doing things at a speed that's going to be more enjoyable for both of you, and as you get more comfortable you guys will b able to figure out what u like doing together.

basically: bringing this stuff up is definitely scary but it sounds like ur in a relationship with someone who's willing to be understanding and like, once u and ur partner are on the same page abt physical stuff it feels sooo much more amazing even if ur barely 'doing' anything at all

#i hope this is okay i realise on rereading this that #you kinda said 'i wanna tell my partner abt x'#and i kinda said 'yeah you should tell him abt x!'#but i hope that the point i was tryna make came across which is that having these discussions can genuinely be really beneficial for #both parties and that #it sounds like he wld be mature enough to understand that and to modify what he's doing to take it at ur pace and thatl #that'd probably b more fun for both of u #anyway: congrats on the partner he sounds rlly sweet and ur doing great!!! hope this was an ok response im here if u have follow ups or w/#w/e*#flusterasks

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hotbisexual · 4 years

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It's the dating anon back with an update! So I was up front with them like you told me to be, and we ended up having a pretty long discussion. They did say that people who are too affectionate and clingy make them not only uncomfortable but also annoyed. They said they like having their own space and don't like people who need constant attention and validation. They then went on to say that they usually express their love through actions and gifts, which once they pointed out I noticed (1/?)

I noticed they had done small things for me like bring me coffee and even clean up around my place when I was busy with work. So I guess I realized they do like me but just express it a different way like you said. Anyway I told them that it's totally cool but that I personally really need validation haha. And I explained how anxious I get because I'll think my partner doesn't like me. They were actually really comforting and told me they understand how I feel and will try harder to show (2/?)

their feelings in a way that will make me feel good. But they told me it'll be difficult for them bc like I said they feel uncomfortable with showing and receiving affection and they literally said they get annoyed when people need constant validation, but they're willing to try. Overall I'm happy I talked with them and thank you for giving me the push to do so. I definitely think this is a step in the right direction but tbh idk how things are gonna go :/ Idk if this will last

omg anonnie helloooo !!! first off i just wanna say i’m super proud of u for really sitting down and talking w ur partner bc communication over smthing like this can be difficult !! so props to u :-)

ahh okay seems like you guys had a pretty deep convo omg. it’s really good that u were both honest and upfront w each other. tbh at this point i think you just gotta see how everything plays out. i think it’s great that you’re both willing to try and adjust the way you show/receive love to accommodate the other: you lessening the amount of physical affection and them trying to be more validating. i think that shows u both really like each other and really wanna make this work.

and tbh its probs gonna be difficult for a bit, which i think is normal. bc ur basically adjusting a very fundamental thing you do. i know i said i relate to ur partner bc i also am not a fan of ppl who are very affectionate so coming from someone who is very similar to the person ur dating, please be patient w them. theyre probably gonna feel super awkward and not really know how to initiate things. and for a little while they’ll probably be more affectionate/validating thru text then thru actual verbal communication. as for you, maybe asking for physical affection is the way to go? asking for a hug or kiss or to cuddle, that way its not randomly sprung on them. or even asking them when they do like physical affection and when they dont like it. maybe they like to cuddle on the couch in the privacy of ur/their home but they dont like to hug in public, you know? once again it all comes back to jsut communicating as best as u can and being open about how you feel.

it’s totally okay to not know how things are gonna go. it’s okay to think this relationship won’t last. i mean are you looking to settle down any time soon? i think you should just focus on enjoying your time with this person and learning more about them n how they see the world (and they’ll learn those same things abt u !!). its okay if the relationship doesn’t get super serious, it’s okay if it fades out. you can still appreciate the person ur w for the time being and learn from this relationship and make urself a more well-rounded person. does that make sense?

anyway anonnie, i really wish u and ur partner the best of luck. it seems like u both really care about each other and really want to understand one another and make the other feel loved. pls dont be a stranger !! let us know how u two are doing as time goes by :-)) whether u wanna come back asking for more advice or just wanna talk about cute moments u two are sharing together <3 i really hope things go well for u two !! sending u allll my love n support <3

#asks #answered #anonymous

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beebosbitchh · 7 years

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1-65 ;)

holy heck ! thank you sophiw i lov u 🍒

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

i dont understand this question?? like sometimes i doubt my own existence and other times i doubt that i exist to certain ppl? ya?

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

2,, normal amount? like good for sleep but pitch black is scaryy but not to the point i need the escape ?? if that makes sense??

3. The person you would never want to meet?

guy fieri, i dont think i need to know if hes actually real ? like is he real and from this dimension or from flavortown (which he has a very scarily detailed description of)?? thats not something i need to know

4. What is your favorite word?

hmm, probably ‘fam’ obviously

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

a willow tree !!!!!!!!!! i just talked to my mom about this :-0

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

ngl but i dont look in the mirror anymore unless its lip syncing along to a song sung by a guy/someone w a deeper voice bc i feel like it suits me better! gotta love coping w dysphoria!

7. What shirt are you wearing?

baseball tee, gay

8. What do you label yourself as?

nb, lesbian, fool

9. Bright room or dark room?

dark room

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

slepe

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

10-11 when i was in 5th grade. i still only had two friends but i was way more extroverted and everything was so carefree and i was very invested in adventure time and art. i think that was the most of a childhood i got? i honestly did not do much as a kid and i wish i had..

12. Who told you they loved you last?

sophiw ! tumblr user almightyportraits ! the loml !

13. Your worst enemy?

14. What is your current desktop picture?

one from apple called ‘abstract shapes’ its very orange but also blue which is my fave color pairing atm so its perfect

15. Do you like someone?

tumblr user vahilla

16. The last song you listened to?

megan played ‘marceline’ by willow in her car ! a song i suggested to her a few months ago and it makes me very happy that she likes it especially bc we bonded over adventure time in 6th grade :-)

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

mmyy seelfff ??

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

mmmyseyyffelllff ??

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

eh whats the point

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

n o ne ?

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

what is the opposite of nb,, i feel like if i was opposite of how i present id be a girl, which is a verryyy weird thought for me, pass

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

no :-/

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

uh first of all blood, like, ill pass out,, second of all,, literally everything worries me

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

jimmy johns #16, turkey, bacon, lettuce, tomato, NO MAYO

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

im a very practical person so the least boring answer i can come up w is more art supplies

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

denmark

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

fukcing , acetoNe

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

i think a FIRST rule would have to be pretty IMPORTANT so probably smt like how ~WE THE PEOPLE~ are all EQUAL would be a pretty good start and pretty UNDENIABLE and STRAIGHT FORWARD especially if it was the FIRST thing in this,, hmm lets call it the CONSTITUTION, in the completely hypothetical society

29. What is your favorite expletive?

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuk cufck ufc kfuck

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

sunglasses??!!! that shit gotta be bright huh>?? gotta protect my retinas

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

i wanna say my first relationship made me a better person but that shit was rreeeaaallyyyy fucking awful and 4 months (+recovery months) that i will never get back and i think ? maybe ?? i wouldve been ok without it ? idk just a thought

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

spain ?!?!? why not + i sorta know the language? thatd b cool

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

zoey my dog :-( i miss her a lot, this month it will have been two years oh my god i miss her so much

34. What was your last dream about?

the last one i remember was a nightmare about someone tryna murder me i was very scared

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

i think so , when i was two i got really really sick and couldve died ?

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

ahh yes ! we gave hhimm,, fruit snack nipples, please forgive me fathr

38. What is the color of your socks?

grey w blue n orange stripes ( again i lov blue n orange together, my shirt is teal and i have an orange hat on wow)

39. What type of music do you like?

all! i had to train this new guy at work and im sooo awkward but once why started talking about music it was easy for me to talk bc it was smt we both really like !!! i felt like i could actually communicate w feeling a disconnect it was nice ! we talked mostly about rap which was cool and unexpected but i could do it ? i really love music and i love being able to know enough to talk about it ,, isk

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises, ive been pushing myself to wake up unreasonably early to have more time to myself and i get to watch the sunrise most days which is nice

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

chocolate

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

whom?

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

college? god i dont even know… smt w art.. by an illustrator or art teacher or freelance artist or graphic designer ,, i really dont know

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

one thing ?!!?!? i wish i was neurotypical

46. Are you reliable?

yes? i try hard to be? i hope so ?

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

u still a lil bitch ?

48. Do you hold grudges?

nope i try not to, ive had too many toxic petty people in my life that i dont need to be one myself.. now this is grudges w/o reason, but if ive given people several ‘second chances’ and theyre still (thumbs down) then ill avoid them but w/i reason?

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

DOG HORSES BIG DOGs

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

mm probably smt w my lab partner from last year. she always sends me weird quotes from a fanfiction shes reading and its weird but i really appreciate that she still talks to me or talks to me at all tbh

51. Are you a good liar?

nooo ?? i try not to lie? mb not tell the full truth but idk , i feel like id feel too guilty

52. How long could you go without talking?

uhh literally days like i already fucking do.. i m taking this as verbally but i dont get texts so like, it would not be hard

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

before i went to short hair i used to alllwaayyys wear a tight ponytail every single day bc i wasnt girly enough to do anything w it and it was really really gross like thank god i cut it all off

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

heck yeah

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

*clears throat*

hewwo?

56. What do you like on your toast?

butter and jam

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

58. What would be you dream car?

razor scooter

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

sometimes im just too physically or emotionally exhausted to stand so ill just,, lay down? ive fallen asleep in the shower before ha

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yup

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

whenever it comes up but i dont ,, seek it out

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

dragons tf

64. What do you think about babies?

evil, ugly, dont see the appeal. open ur eyes ppl !!!! bbs are n Ot cute !!

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

#long post /#mention of dysphoria /#ask #thenk yoy sophiw #this took 4ever but worth it bc it got me to calm down?? coolc ool cool

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srlkiller · 5 years

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what’s your favourite sex position ;)

Oooooofff i miss sex fr fr i haven’t had GOOD sex in a long ass time.. ughhhh.. shit is rare tho. depends on my mood and the person for various kinds/types of reasons also depends on the dick!! but my ultimate ultimate fav is the one (REALLY BAD W SEX POS NAMES FORGIV ME LOL) where he hittin it from the back (ofc duh) n i b layin on my tummy kinda flat u kno, legs togetha (or a lil apart, hav sum fun w it ;p) n get him to like hover over you or lay on top of u kinda thing n slide that d in u but like nice n tight girl right between ya a$$ cheeks for that extra nice grippyness mmMmmMM bitch!!!! get him to oil u up w a lil ass/back massage for sum extra sensual play time + slippery WHETNEZZ💦💦!! lube always ofc ofc ofc b creative b fun don’t b shy AND DONT B AFRAID TO TRY THINGS!!! communicate w ur partner always!!! EXPERIMENT!! use safe words if need be GET FREAKY be wild ROLE PLAY switch from dominating to being a submissive until you figure out what you like :))) there’s no right or wrong tbh as long as it’s all consensual n everyone is enjoying themselves then it’s an experience n u learn shit so who gives a fuck right? id rather try everything at least once tbh..how r u ever supposed to truly kno if u like anything otherwise? plus as u age + grow ur likes & interests will change so it’s important to continue to experiment with things & ppl!! don’t knock someone else’s ‘fetish’ or ‘preference’ until you try/do it yourself first ESPECIALLY when it comes down to sexuality my friends 🤷🏽‍♀️ im so free n open w sex stuff n sex talk n think it’s super healthy to b!! i wish everyone was tbh! i luv having honest, brutally raw discussions about this type of stuff so if u ever got any type of questions or want advice just HML im always here for anyone who needs anything’s at all, i definitely dont claim 2knw it all but between the 2 of us.. we’ll work it out bich!!!! 🥰👀

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everythingmustgo · 7 years

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heyO i was wonderin if i could do a tarrot reading and an analysis? if not its fine! but my signs are cancer sun, libra moon, leo rising, mercury cancer, venus virgo, mars leo, jupiter cancer, n saturn gemini! thank u in advance!

hello hello ofc u can !!! my tarot readings r £2 per card used so if u wanna have a look at my tarot page nd pick the spread u want then go for it!!! ill do ya analysis just now !okay so cancer suns r honestly my FAVS like my gf is a cancer nd shes so sweet nd caring, cancer suns want to protect u, theyre very maternal in their loving? very nurturing, they show their love thru looking after u and making sure ur okay. sooooooo emotional, all u water signs r crybabies tbh, ur emotions rly do dictate ur life and ur not in control of them so much as they r in control of u. the kind of ppl that cry from every emotion cuz they feel so deeply. the thing abt cancers tho is even tho theyre loving and caring, theyre always looking out for no. 1. big on self preservation, if they had the option to save u or them, theyd save their damn self no question. if a cancer if upset, anyone elses feelings go out the window. if u nd a cancer r upset, u can bet ur ass the cancer’s feelings come first. this is bc of how strong their feelings r for sure, they just dont have room in them for negative feelings that arent. theres ukno. they need so much emotional support, as caring as they r they struggle a lot with insecurity and need constant reassurance. often the only constant thing in their life is their own emotional turmoil, and they have a tendency to wallow in it and expect others to make it better. this is honestly one of the only bad qualities in cancers imo like I love water signs nd they rly r the most sweet nd caring ppl, they just have Issues nd r fiercely protective of themselves. cancer/libra is a good combo imo!!! libra moons r very diplomatic, have an innate sense of justice and a deep need for peace and harmony. bc this is ur moon sign this would suggest that this is ur strongest desire, this is rly what drives all of ur actions. ur a peacekeeper, u settle arguments nd everyone immediately seems to like u bc of the knack u have to see all sides of an argument. bc of this ur not strongly opinionated, u have principles but ur always open to persuasion and generally look for a balance between two options. big on equality, ur middle ground attitude to arguments can sometimes b mistaken for weakness of opinion but ur driven more by the need for fairness which is v strong in u. bc this is ur moon sign this is the part of u that cannot b suppressed: ppl will always see ur moon sign, nd while u have a certain amount of choice over how much of ur sun sign self u express (ur core personality, often one u grow into nd recognise within urself as u get older), ur moon sign cannot b hidden. ppl will always recognise ur balanced and fair nature, nd honestly for a libra moon this is a great thing bc ppl generally Love libras bc of this !!! they r fair nd will never immediately write off anyones opinions as invalid, somehow finding a way to agree with everyone. plus as an air sign u have great communication skills nd ppl will feel v comfortable talking to u. they have a veeeeeery strong need to b liked tho, which often drives their agreement w everyone. they need a thriving social life and to be in a relationship, most libras feel v lost w/o a partner. theyre romantics at heart, ruled by venus, but also feel they need a strong person in their life to make their decisions for them. this is the libra downfall, they r. wishy washy ppl. sometimes u NEED strong opinions? like even if u desire fairness, nd r immediately uncomfortable when fairness in a situation becomes almost impossible to achieve, there r times when u need to have a strong opinions? the idea of holding an opinion that some people will object to is stressful for a libra. this means ur one of the most indecisive, vague and easily influenced signs and u need to think for urself more!!! libras r all too dependant on others and see the route to peace and inner balance as pleasing everyone, which isnt always the case. u need to take urself and ur own feelings into consideration, be independent. as this is ur moon sign, ur approach to emotions is heavily ruled by ur libra. u keep things to urself as u dont like to distress others w ur emotions or hav them think differently of u bc of it, u see the solution to ur problems as to deal w them urself and problem solve ur way out of it, and while this is a skill of urs and u will most likely come up w good solutions, its not healthy to take it all on urself. I do love libras tbh but. they can b fake as hell w their niceness. u need to let urself open up more nd realise theres more to life than being liked, nd peace can b achieved w/o pleasing everyone, and w doing things for urself. ok ok I rly went to town on ya moon there so ill try nd keep ya rising short, so ur a leo rising which is v different from ur sun nd moon !!! all of ur signs r different elements which suggests ur v well rounded nd have a lot of different aspects to ur personality!!! ur leo rising means that the way u express urself and how others perceive u is far more dramatic than ur sun and moon, honestly u like to b seen as Extra. v focused on ur appearance, sociable and outgoing, loooooves to b the centre of attention. this im thinking is the strongest of ur signs nd fits very well w ur libra and cancer, who hav more vulnerability when it comes to others. leos have a lot of charm and likeability from the confidence they exude, which can likely be a protection for your libra fears of being disliked, and your highly emotional cancer sun. leos are also incredibly loyal and generous, a leo friend will absolutely spoil u and think nothing of spending lots of money on u (theyre v materialistic so often buying things for u is how they express affection). however they do often keep others in their shadow bc they like the attention so much, so its possible that until others get to know u very well, they will feel intimidated by u. u like to express urself dramatically and perhaps as opinionated in an attempt to hide ur libra indecisiveness and dependence on others to make ur decisions, which ur cancer sun will make u feel v insecure abt !!! theres a lot of interlinking insecurity between the signs with u lmao they work well together but theres certainly a lot going on. when ppl meet u, theyll hear abt ur social status and ur charm, but then discover ur sense of fairness and need for peace and equality, as well as ur emotional, nurturing side as they get closer to u.im gonna do a v brief explanation of ur planets if thats okay but if u want more info u can 100% ask for it its okay!!!so bc ur mercury is the same as ur sun sign its likely ur thought process, mental abilities and communication skills r v close to ur core personality and the way u think is an important part of who u r. bc its in cancer its gonna b emotional: ur mentality r hiiiighly emotion driven, and its hard for u not to let ur feelings get in the way of ur thought process and capacity for ideas and planning. ur 100% an overthinker, nd even tho u care for others deeply, ur plans will always result in u reaping the most benefits. ur venus virgo means ur a lover of beauty and a big romantic imo, but also a perfectionist. ur attracted to people u can fix up, which is a big downfall of virgos. they like to fix things, esp ppl, ESP in venus wow. u may notice a pattern of friends nd partners who rely on u to Fix Them, u may notice u r drawn to ppl w Issues bc u want to help them get better. ur a big worrier when it comes to relationships. leo mars wow this is the realm of action and u GO for it. everything u do u do 110% nd u wanna make a big show of it. u wanna b seen as an achiever, someone whos doing great things in life nd lookin hot while doing it. u want appreciation and attention for doing it. p much all of ur actions r to b noticed nd appreciated for what u do, its a big motive. ur in it for u. jupiter jupiter realm o wisdom nd knowledge, cancer again so id reckon important to u. mercury nd jupiter often go hand in hand so its fitting they r the same. again, emotional, again, caring, again, selfish. u have a deep understanding of ur own and others feelings, ur v intuitive nd use ur feelings to help u understand the world around u. ur feelings influence how u learn, if u dont love smth ur not gon learn it. cancer is ruled by the moon, id say ur v wise and trustworthy. saturn is jupiters restrictive counterpart, all abt boundaries nd structure. as its in gemini I reckon ur a fast learner nd once u learn ur lesson u will never forget. u like to scheme and plan, ur intelligent nd sociable but the way u plan ur life may distress u. u may often b highly conflicted over how u structure ur life, part of u loving the control of routine and part of u loving the freedom of no structure whatsoever.hope this made sense !!! u got any more questions let me kno, hmu when uve decided what spread u want for ur reading 💕

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theblogspotdotcom · 5 years

Text

5 Reasons You Shouldn't Feel Bad About Not Talking To Toxic Parents

ByGABRIELLE MOSS

Sept 23 2015

The last time I heard my mom's voice, she was cussing me out on my voicemail. I hadn't heard it for a few months prior at that point — I was in the middle of my third or fourth attempt to stop talking to my mother, and I'd made a practice of not listening to her hurtful voice messages, reading her emails, or opening her letters. Just overhearing the muffled sound of her agitated voice, as my boyfriend listened to the voicemail for me, was enough to ruin my day. But it also helped me confirm that not talking to my mother was still the right decision for me.

If you're reading this, then know that not talking to a parent or other family member might be the right choice for you, too. Maybe you're an old hand at not talking (or going "no contact," as it is sometimes called). Maybe you just stopped talking to a toxic parent yesterday. Or maybe you're just beginning to consider the idea that limiting your contact with a family member who manipulates, guilts, or otherwise emotionally harms you might make life better. No matter what phase you're in, you've likely received a lot of pushback, both from your parent and the world at large, about your decisions. Friends might be confused, or even tell you that you're selfish ( a sentiment that the toxic family member whom you've disconnected from has almost definitely seconded).

And the judgment doesn't stop with people you know. If you Google the phrase "not talking to my parents," you'll primarily find resources aimed at soothing parents who have been cut off — or, at the very least, aimed at shaming children who did the cutting off. Most major articles about kids who are estranged from their parents, like this 2012 article from AARP, take the parent's side, accepting their confusion about why their child cut off contact at face value, and judging the child for being self-absorbed.

To use some extremely serious journalistic terminology right now: uh, no. If you've stopped talking to a parent, it's probably a struggle every day to keep doing it. But you shouldn't feel guilty or bad about the decision, should you make it. Here are five reasons why.

1. You're Doing What's Right For You

Odds are that you didn't come to this decision lightly. Despite what many "experts" would have you believe, we actually live in a world that makes it as difficult as possible to cut off communication with a family member, especially a parent. So actually taking this step probably means that your relationship with your parent was so toxic that you felt like you had no other option.

Of course, some people will be unable to believe this. They legitimately can't imagine anything "bad enough" to cause someone to stop speaking to a family member.

But that's OK. Your life is not limited by what your friends, co-workers, or other family members can imagine. Your choices don't have to be relatable to your roommate or best friend in order to be right for you. You're the one who knows exactly how interacting with this family member hurts you. You're the only one who has to live with the aftershocks of maintaining this relationship, and so you're the only one whose experience matters when deciding what to do.

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2. You're Not Alone

While you may feel like you're the only person on earth who's had to deal with something like this, you're not. And while a quick Google may primarily reveal materials aimed at parents who have been cut off, the Internet is actually chock-full of support communities for folks with toxic parents, including those who have broken contact with them.

I've personally found Reddit's raisedbynarcissists community to be a godsend — just reading posts by people who have had the kind of experiences that were once a part of my daily life with my mother (but are beyond the wildest reaches of most of my friends' imaginations) really helps me, and reminds me that I've made the right choice.

There are great books out there on this subject, too — the recent Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward (who also wrote the classic self-help volume Toxic Parents) was immensely helpful for me.

There are also tons of great personal essays out there about being estranged from parents, which can help you feel comforted and understood. I recently read an excellent one by Katja Bak on Medium; the takeaway beautifully distilled the struggle of the estranged child: "It’s okay to let go of your family. Society tells us that family is number one in your life — they come first ... They would do anything for you, and you would do anything for them. It’s not always the case. The truth is, they are just people. They are not infallible. They are not perfect. They can be bad, and cruel, and toxic — despite being your blood. And it’s okay to walk away. It’s okay. It is okay."

3. You're The Best Judge Of What Happened (Or Is Happening) To You

Emotionally abusive or manipulative parents often make a practice of constantly questioning their child's reality and experiences. Our childhoods were full of moments of being told that problematic parental behavior "never happened," that a problem our parent created doesn't matter because they "did the best they could," or that an event that traumatized us "didn't happen like that."

Telling someone that the things they remember didn't happen is a tool of emotional control called "gaslighting" — and a lot of people who cut off contact with their parents have been gaslighted so hard and for so long that they barely have a handle on reality sometimes. In my own life, my mother and I were the only people in our home, and thus, all our conflicts were her word against mine. When my word conflicted with hers, she went to great efforts to proclaim that my memory was cloudy or that I was a liar — to the point where today, at 33, I barely trust my own memory of where I left my keys, let alone my memories of interacting with other human beings.

As you can imagine, trusting my memory of my mother's hurtful behavior was pretty difficult. But I got there eventually. Not all children who have toxic parents were gaslighted, but many were. Your parents may have done it on purpose, or they may have done it simply because they had mental health issues or other problems that kept them from being able to empathize with you or see any perspective besides their own.

But your experiences are real. Just because your parents claim that they "did the best they could" doesn't mean that they actually did — and even if they did, the fact that they did their best doesn't mean that you are obligated to be emotionally wounded by them for the rest of their life. You know best how your relationship with your parents impacts your life.

4. You Can Find Your Own Support System

The idea that pushing away your family means that no one will ever love or support you is a common threat used against children who are trying to cut off contact, but it is very, very untrue. If anything, ending a relationship with a toxic parent (and the toxic love that they provide) may give you an opening in your life to accept genuine love and support for the first time.

In my own life, my mother's love had a stranglehold on me; she regularly made sure to do everything she could to sabotage my friendships, romances, and professional relationships. Despite her threats that no one would ever care about me besides her, I found that building a life apart from her allowed me to find a real network of friends, and a truly loving boyfriend, for the first time.

Your new support system can be anyone — a "chosen family" of friends, a partner, members of an online or real-life support group, a sympathetic and understanding therapist — as long as they get it. And you will find someone who gets it. A good therapist, in particular, is trained to understand things about human relationships and families that might be hard for other people to hear, so they can be a great place to start when building your support network. But remember: You're not crazy for feeling this way, and someone else is going to understand.

5. You May Talk Again Some Day

This may be a good thing — your parents are willing to try to develop a healthy relationship! Hooray! Or it may be a bad thing (i.e. you initiate contact because you miss them, and end up opening every wound you've healed in your time of no contact). But not talking to a parent does not often last forever.

You can use this to soothe yourself if you feel bad about it, but you should also keep it in mind if you initiate contact and end up regretting it. Wanting to be in contact with a parent is a very natural urge, and you shouldn't blame yourself if this urge motivates you to do something that is ultimately bad for you.

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Though I've been actively putting distance between my mother and myself for nearly a decade, I've also re-initiated contact with her a number of times — because I was worried about her health, because I felt lonely, because I wanted to see our aging family dog. Yes, things got out of control almost immediately every time, and I regretted reaching out, but we need to be easy on ourselves when stuff like this happens. It's not your fault for hoping or wanting — and it's also not a mark against you if it doesn't work out.

So remember, no matter what, that you're not nuts and you're not alone. No one — not even the people who birthed you — are automatically entitled to your time or energy if they hurt you.

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multiple-nerdery · 7 years

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All valentines asks!

1: Do you have a crush at the moment? Tragically

2: Have you ever been deeply in love? i don’t love any other way3: Longest relationship you've ever been in? 2+ years

4: Have you ever changed for someone? not fundamentally5: How is your relationship with your ex? friendly with one, more distant but still friendly with the second, awkward but friendly with the third.6: Have you ever been cheated on? not that i know of. pls don’t tell me

7: Have you ever cheated? not in relationships, rarely on tests/8: Would you date someone who's well known for cheating? doubt i’d fall fr someone like that.9: What's the most important part of a relationship? communication 10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? i dont know how flings work11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"? nah 12: How many people have you ever hooked up with? i guess either one or two, depending on how you count “hooking up”. I’d rather have more continuing affections than hook ups but the logistics are different13: What's one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship? I kind of enabled shea’s self-destructive behavior, and cut off a friend. Wish I hadn’t done that™™™14:What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? if they’ve learned about consent properly, whenever that is, long as it’s above the age of 12 and within a decent age range. It’s a personal choice for everyone, they just need to be given the tools to make healthy decisions15: Do you believe in the phrase "age is just a number"? kinda, but it’s always used by pedophiles to justify their horribleness. So, while age is just a number, it’s hard to have experience or judgement ability without a large amount of age.16: Do you believe in "love at first sight"? nah. love takes time and love takes work

17: Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet? sure18: What do you consider a deal breaker? bigotry

19: How do you know it's time to end a relationship? wouldn’t know, never done it20:Are you currently in a relationship? no, i’m in suffering21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? I’ve managed it22:Do you think people should date their friends? if they both want

23: How many relationships have you had?

24: Do you think love can last forever? ya. it’ll change, but it’ll still be love25:Do you believe love can conquer all things? love can’t conquer death.26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of? nah but i probably wouldn’t date anyone like that my parents trust my judgement enough they’d approve of almost anyone i chose. 27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? don’t wait, ask all ur crushes out. Worst they can say is no.28:Do you think long distance relationships can work? yes

29: What do you notice first about another person? their throbbing personality. 30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual? ace. panromantic31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness? i’d be sad cause i care about them... even if they were my friend too, but like, it wouldn’t bother me. i’d try n help as much as possible32:Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? no. unhealthy yes but abusive no.33:Do you want to get married one day? if i have a partner, and they want. idc34: What do you think about getting your partner's name tattooed? i wouldn’t but y’all do what you want it’s cute.35:Could you be in a relationship without sex? i’ve done it before I can do it again.36:Are you still a virgin? somehow, despite it all, no.37: What's more important: Looks or personality? both are important for different reasons. if i like someone, i’ll like how they look tho. full stop.38: Do you enjoy love films? not one i’ve seen yet but i’m open to it.39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses? yes? yes40: Have you ever had a valentine? friends yes. I missed my first chance with one relationship, then we were off again for two and three, and I’ve been single the two valentine’s days after that. but i’ve been friend valentines with my friends. kinda41:What's your imagination of a "perfect date"? me n another person enjoy bein around each other. thas it idc what we do, within limits.42: Have you ever read "Romeo & Juliet"? yis43: What's more important: Your partner or your friends? both are important/ 44: Would you consider yourself "romantic"? in the artistic sense of loving nature and emotions, yes and no. 45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends? i can’t imagine dating anyone without being friends w/ them first, but there’s none of my friends i want to date except kinda my crush. really i just want affection im lonely46: Have you ever been "friendzoned"? i hate that term, and no??? maybe but no47: Which "famous couple" is your favorite? idkidkidkidk48:What's your favorite love song? wooden heart by elvis presley b/c german lyrics49: Have you ever broken someone's heart? not that I know of 50:If you're single, why do you think you are? my crush doesn’t want to date me. or doesn’t want to date at all. either way result is same51: Would you rather date someone who's rich but a douchebag or someone who's poor but a nice guy? poor.

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships? well i think so53: Are you jealous of couples when you're single? nah because pda is gross (eve though I have done my fair share of that whoops)54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on Facebook)? facebook wise I couldn’t care less. the official i care about is saying the words ‘we’re dating’55: Would you consider yourself "clingy", "overly attached" or "jealous"? clingyclingyclingy56: Have you ever "destroyed" a relationship? no?

57: Do you think it's silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart? i hope no one commits suicide fr any reason but if ur considering suicide for a broken heart maybe that’s not th only reason u feel? but like don’t kill urself i will help you make it ok

58:Are you the "dominant" or the "submissive" part in a relationship? well i don’t like unequal power dynamics in th actual relationship but in the affection part i am SUCH a SUB my god. 59:Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner's birthday or your anniversary? i hyperfixate on dates n time so... no60: What's your opinion on open relationships? idk if i could handle one but for people whose partners are ok with it go fr it my dude.61:Who's more important: Your partner or your family? neither are more or less important

62: How do you define "cheating"? doin romantic or sexual things with people who aren’t your partner that ur partner hasn’t oked. thats the cliff’s notes but like i want to keep it strong enough to where fuckboycheaters cant say they weren’t cheating but polya people aren’t labeled as cheaters.63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate? porn is highkey gross but it’s not like inappropriate, partners have disparate sexual desire, and if the choice is between relatively harmless porn n dissatisfaction in a n otherwise great relationship, it’s better than nothing64:Do you think Valentine's Day is overrated? it’s too commercialized but like let people live n enjoy it n all65:Would you consider yourself a "cuddler"?YES

#Anonymous

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