#{and none of that is invalid because I'm aromantic. my experiences are meaningful to ME and I'm learning that that's what matters}

[ask-the-wordsmith]

When did you discover you were aromantic?

So, um... I typed out, like, a three-page-long response to this and then just let it sit in my inbox for a few days before deciding I’m not quite ready to put my whole story out there yet, but to answer your question in short form, it took a long time.

My aro identity is partially trauma-based (I don’t like to use the word trauma because I wasn’t abused or anything serious like that, but I’ve talked to people with actual trauma and the effects that time period had on me are apparently the same effects that they experience due to PTSD)? So... that affects it a little bit...? I don’t think I ever would’ve been happy in a romantic relationship (for reasons I’ll discuss below), but the severe panic attacks I sometimes get at the mere unexpected mention of romance are probably due to The Thing that I’m not ready to talk about.

But, uh, this post and this post cover a whole lot of my aro experience! From the the second post, specifically (bolded areas relate to the person I dated before realizing I was aro):

1. When you discovered the word “aromantic,” it felt like something finally clicked into place for you.

2. Identifying as aromantic makes you feel relieved, free, happy, or more like yourself.

3. When you discovered the concept of a “squish” suddenly a lot of things made more sense to you.

11. You thought crushes were something you consciously decided to have, and selected an acquaintance or celebrity to be your crush, because everyone else was doing it.

17. You don’t understand why people do ridiculous, irrational or over-the-top things in the name of love.

21. When a romantic relationship gets serious, it makes you feel cold, distant or uncomfortable.

23. Your romantic partners always seem to be way more into the lovey-dovey stuff than you are.

26. You have felt suffocated, repressed or tense in a romantic relationship, even though you really liked your partner and they hadn’t done anything wrong.

27. When your last romantic relationship ended, you felt relieved and free more than you felt sad, even if your partner broke it off, and even if you liked them very much as a person.

28. You’re more excited by making a new best friend than by falling in love.

29. You wouldn’t mind marrying your best friend and spending your life with them, even though you’re not in love with them.*

*For an absurdly long time, in the back of my mind I always figured I’d end up marrying my male best friend, because at the time he was the only person I could imagine actually being comfortable living with (even though, no, this was not the person I dated). We’d spent long periods of time together, and we both liked our personal space. He wasn’t (and still isn’t) a very openly emotional person, and I couldn’t imagine him acting in a romantic manner (still can’t— I have no idea if he’s aro as well), so I was like, “yeah, I guess I’d be ok to live with him for the rest of my life. we wouldn’t have to spend all our time together, I don’t see him as the type to obsess over anniversaries/events, and we wouldn’t have to make a big deal out of the marriage/spend a stupid amount of money for that kind of stuff. we can just share a house and be cool.”

...looking back it maybe should’ve been obvious to me way sooner, but what can I say, amatonormativity screwed me over hard.

#{uhhhh not gonna tag with a tw but lmk if you want anything tagged!!} #aromantic #aro experience #{the concept of dating still made me so uncomfortable and I literally didn't get it} #{but now I feel so relieved being like 'oh actually I'm allowed to love my friends?'} #{he also doesn't strike me as the type who would want to live w/someone else so that was probably unrealistic on my part anyway LOL} #{but again this was all coming from the mindset of 'everyone's gotta get married at some point right?'} #{but now I'm... so much more relaxed all the time when thinking about the future} #{I personally DO want a roommate at least for a while and I'm gonna get to do that w/my female best friend} #{and I can go visit my male best friend and be happy for him and how much he's succeeding in life} #{without this constant doubt in the back of my head because I have to be thinking about 'growing up' and doing stuff like dating} #{it's taken a WHILE but I'm finally content to accept that that's just not who I am} #{I'm a daughter of God first; I'm a daughter of loving human parents and a best friend of two amazing people second} #{I'm a creative writer and an emotional empath who's learning to regulate my mental illnesses} #{that's who I am! and it's okay if my identity is never as someone's girlfriend/wife!! it is not a prerequisite for happiness} #{screw society I'm gonna go hiking with my youth group and take my friends out for dinner} #{and run across campus in the rain to give my best friend a hot chocolate before a presentation because I love him} #{and none of that is invalid because I'm aromantic. my experiences are meaningful to ME and I'm learning that that's what matters} #{that turned into a LONG ramble yikes} #[ the wordsmith - OC related ] #[ outside the forge - not writing related ] #anon