#— 𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐘 𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇𝐃𝐀𝐘 𝟐 𝐌𝐄⁉ | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jjuzoir · 3 years

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Blue Hour | Sanzu Haruchiyo

synopsis: It’s at 4AM that Sanzu suddenly realizes how much you mean to him.

word count: 1676

event: #𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐘 𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇𝐃𝐀𝐘 𝟐 𝐌𝐄⁉

a/n: sanzu has been sober for almost a year now, possible OOC (i can’t write mean men, i’m sorry (TT)) also he might be a bit OOC but personally… there’s also allusions to alcoholism and him thinking about relapsing into alcohol, also! he’s unhealthy dependent on you (i kinda want to write a second part where he learns to not rely on you for his self worth). it’s definitely something new for me – idk if i’m the happiest ever with this but… it’s been 3 days w/ no update and it’s ~ s t r e s s i n g ~

Sanzu Haruchiyo had little to no fears – at least, that’s what he liked to believe, and he did so for many years.

But then you came into his life and became someone precious to him, and what was he supposed to do the more you cemented yourself deeper in his heart? The more time you two spent together, the more he fell deeper in love with you, the more Sanzu couldn’t imagine a life without you. And just like that, the once fearless gang member now had something that made his blood run cold:

Losing you.

Unlike Mikey, you weren’t used to gang fights – you weren’t weak, he knew that (and he’d spent countless hours teaching you how to defend yourself in case of any emergency), but what if someone pulled a knife? What if it was a three against one situation? What if they ambushed you? Gangs didn’t always fight fairly, there was a high chance you’d get hurt. And no matter how many times you assured him you’d learnt the best ways to take of yourself, that you began carrying the pepper spray and army knife he’d gifted you, he could never bring himself to stray too far from you. You were far too precious to him and he hated how much he’d grown dependent on you – you had him completely wrapped around your finger and you didn’t even seem to notice or misuse the power that brought.

Behind the stone cold mask he’d wear lay an ever flowing fountain of love and adoration for you, even if it didn’t seem like it from the outside looking in, Sanzu had sworn to protect and love you as long as you’d allow him to.

There was already the risk of you getting hurt because of his line of work, he was a gang member and you were a civilian – you had a part time job and went to school meanwhile he was out there getting into fights and threatening people with knifes, you had never been in a brawl before (he’d have a heart attack if he ever heard you had been in one). And, as if all that wasn’t enough – as if the possibility of you dying because of him – there’s always the risks of normal relationships; like the chance you’d break it off, get tired of him and the danger he brought into your life.

And in a sick way, one that disgusted him very much, he thinks that’d be worse than you dying – because it’d mean that he wasn’t enough for you, it meant that you had finally realized you deserved better and that he couldn’t give you the life you deserved – instead, he could only assure you an uncertain future by his side. You’d done so much for him, helped him get clean, helped regain some semblance of confidence and love for himself, in many ways: you’d helped build him back up.

He was selfish, he felt as if he truly didn’t deserve you, you were kind and warm – like the sun, you’d become essential in his life, and still he tried so desperately to keep you by his side, unwilling to share the warmth you radiated.

And so he’d always do his best to be around you trying to make sure you were safe, because god forbid anything happen to you because he wasn’t there.

With all of that in mind, it’s no surprise Sanzu woke up in a cold sweat the moment he dreamed of you not only leaving him for a no name, a faceless figure that seemed to encapsulate everything he couldn’t give you but that you’d deserved, but dying too, making him watch helplessly as your life slipped through his fingers leaving him broken once again.

As if one of his worst fears wasn’t enough, his brain decided to torture him and make him feel as if the world was ending in front of him. The months of bottled up feelings of uncertainty and fear caught up to him, ambushing him as he stood helpless.

His sight was hazy but he didn’t care as he stumbled out of bed, his steps unsteady as he tried to calm himself – if he wasn't so drunk on the thought of you being hurt he would have made a beeline to a whiskey bottle and drowned himself in it. Instead, he made his way to his closet, pulled out the first jacket he saw and bolted to find his bike to check up on you. He knew it was unreasonable, it was four in the morning and you were asleep – plus, there’s no way you’d ever leave him, neither in life nor death, you’d said as much so many times in an attempt to calm his fears but it never seemed to calm him down for long because “what if”’s were making him doubt your words.

But what if he went over and found another body in your bed? What if someone broke into your house and all he found was your body in your bed? And what if it was an “all of the above” scenario? What was he supposed to do then, live life without you? The thought made him feel sick, he felt sick – maybe he was sick.

Sanzu was at your house in record time and he didn’t waste a minute using the spare keys you had given him and running to your room to check up on you, his hands trembled – he doesn’t remember ever being so scared in life; not when he was in the dock with Mucho, not when he found out Toman would disband, not when he witnessed Mikey ruin himself and succumb to whatever the hell was going on in his head, never in his life – a pathetic excuse of a life – had he ever been so scared and he wanted to laugh that it was because of a nightmare but he couldn’t bring himself to find it funny.

His eyes scan your house and he finds nothing amiss, it looks the same and it smells the same, it feels the same but why isn’t it enough to make him feel sane?

He tries his best to not make a sound, something he’s usually very good at, but tonight he wasn’t able to suppress the relieved gasp that left his mouth when he caught sight of your sleeping body. It’s as he’s watching your chest rise and fall that he begins to realize how desperate he’d been, running from one corner of Tokyo to the other to check up on you based on a stupid nightmare… He shakes his head, combing his fingers through his hair before taking off his jacket and making his way next to you in bed.

Why should it matter – why should he matter? You’re safe, you’re there and you’re safe and you’re alive and he sees you sleeping in his shirt and you’re alive and you’re still his; he’s still yours.

“Hmm, Haru?” You woke up, voice groggy from sleep, “What are you… doing?”

“…”

“Why are you even here?” A yawn interrupts your sentence, “It’s like… three in the morning…?”

“Shh, it’s… it’s nothing, I… just go to sleep, I’ll tell you in the morning.” He assured you, a layer of guilt in his tone – he didn’t mean to wake you up but, what if…

“Come on, Haru,” you nudge, sitting up from your sleeping position, resting your your weight against your forearms – the moonlight that seeped through the windows tinted the room in blue, painting your features in cold tones but your eyes (which were puffy from having just woken up, a sight that had him unconsciously softening his gaze) held warmth –, “if you came here from your place… it can’t possibly be nothing.”

A pin could have been dropped and it would’ve echoed through the walls like a scream, he counts ten heartbeats before he speaks again.

“Do you love me?” He asked, his eyes held a vulnerability that normally wasn’t there – if ever, and you’re left moment speechless from both his words and tone.

“Of course I do,” you reach out a hesitant hand to caress the face of your lover, “Why would you ever think otherwise?”

“So, you’d never… leave me?” His hand now rested on top of your own, his eyes closed as if he was trying to commit to memory your presence – your love – by touch alone; just in case.

“No, baby,” you smile sadly, “I’d never leave you, I love you too much.”

He didn’t answer, crystal blue eyes shut tight as a single tear slipped from under them, “Thank god” – you think you hear him mumble.

Calloused hands reach up and pull you down, tucking your head under Sanzu’s chin as he now holds you close; you feel him tremble slightly as your arms slowly wrap around your boyfriend. You don’t bring it up, he normally wasn’t this vulnerable and if he didn’t want you to see him like this yet, then you’d wait; instead, you’d hold him close, hoping that maybe if you did, he’d realize how much he meant to you too. You so desperately wanted to ask what was going on, wonder why the normally composed man in front of you seemed to be crumbling in your arms.

“I love you so much.” The silence is broken by three simple words.

“And I love you.”

If you were the sun then he’d be the moon, only able to shine with you by his side, like the moon depends on the sun; Sanzu Haruchiyo depends on you – you were one of the few things in his life that made him feel alive and safe–, he notes, and he doesn’t mind – he can’t bring himself to mind, not when it was under this blue hour that he realized, he didn’t mind being afraid if it meant he could love you.

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