#まれ | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dreams-poetry-art-therapy · 6 months

Text

It's okay to distance yourself from people that feel toxic (even if they aren't) [27-28.10.2023]

I went to uni two times this week (once when the colleague told me I look sad and once for a work meeting). I feel like I'm still in holidays. It's definitely not healthy for me to spend so much time at home. I end up working/ studying very little because my computer at home is slow and I keep working while watching TV shows at home which makes me take double the time for any task.

Friday evening, I picked up Y from the main train station and went to eat dinner with him. Another friend of ours was supposed to come but got sick and then, I had the feeling that he thought it was a date. He kept telling me about insurances, because that's what he's studying now. He had a real talent to make everything about insurances, lol.

After that, I debated with myself to go out and meet J and others in a bar or pretend I didn't read her message, stay at home and sew while watching my Japanese TV drama. In the end, obviously, my reliability won and I went to the bar. I wanted to stay only until 1, then only until half past 1, then only until 2. In the end, I left after 3am. It was amazing to see J and also A and B again and they are people that are so easy to talk to. I felt light and happy. Also because: no politics, not even a glimpse of them, all night. Just me and my friends talking about our lives in the dimly lit, cigarette smoke filled bar.

The next day, I wanted to go to the first ice dipping group of the winter but it was at 10am and of course, my sleep deprived brain decided to roll over and sleep back instead. I ended up sleeping until almost 1pm which also means I must've overheard 3 alarms. When I put my earplugs in correctly, they are really strong.

Because at 12 already, CU was supposed to come to my place for a clothes adjustment session, but lucky for me, she was also late. I keep getting away with it.

The clothes adjustment session was nice as always, my sewing machine seems a bit broken again, CU told me about her shopping, she tried on clothes and I wasn't happy with my sewing. Two people so fundamentally different that we will never be friends but so fundamentally tolerant and apathetic that we will never fight about it, either.

In the evening, I went to meet with S. Over dinner, I fell over my words trying to tell her how much this political situation was taking a toll on me, always feeling like I can't express how much I'm really feeling from it. We talked about it in our typical wannabe- therapist- everything is okay- manner where I always feel like I'm only scratching the surface of how much I'm really feeling. Still, each time, the words "This has really taken a toll on me, like no political event ever has" leave my mouth, I feel a tiny bit less terrible, a tiny bit more honest, a tiny bit less alone with my feelings. S is dealing with it how I would like to: avoiding all news, no social media, focusing on her own life.

Then, we went to a burlesque- show in a Halloween - themed bar. The girl at the door was rude and we had to alternate sitting on a bar chair because they didn't have 2 for us. We sat next to a guy, who gave me uncomfortable normie vibes and his girlfriend and mom. Before the show started, we talk about what we always talk about: subcultures, hypothetical scenarios, books and popculture theory.

I loved the burlesque show. Even though it wasn't one bit Halloween- themed, I felt fascinated and entertained and just in awe at the dancers skill and movement and beauty and dresses and the music. One girl danced to "Brand New Bitch" by COBRAH, and now, I am re- listening to all her albums and feeling like a crazy bitch in all the best ways. Another girl made me absolutely feel like it's 1920 with her show wearing a tiny silver dress with a big headpiece, spinning to dramatic jazz music in the cheap, red lights and the faint smoke.

Just about to leave, S suddenly told me: "I reserved a spot for a comedy club after this." And off we went! I love this girl! The comedy club was small and friendly and warm. Because they ran out of snacks, they allowed us to bring snacks from the kiosk inside and I felt so happy on my chair in front of the small stage next to S, popcorn and chips and the drinks spread over the small table, joking around and waiting for the show to begin. I took a picture of the table. It's a candidate for my "happy moments of 2023" collection.

The show started and it was good. I want to watch more comedy with S, because she is, maybe besides B, the person with whom it's the most enjoyable! The host asked us questions about our life and my inner attention whore blossomed and it was funny and it was light and I felt good.

Then, a middle eastern comedian came up and he talked about the Israel- Palestine conflict. I won't spoil all of it but he made me feel okay with not having an opinion and he made me feel okay in general again. It was the second time since this happened thst I felt I could be happy while terrible things are happening, the same feeling I had when watching drag with A. I could exist in the same time while bad things are happening and I could be happy and not guilty despite it. I teared up, of course and I laughed so much at the same time. I felt light again.

And then at night, the second group had planned a movie night at C's place and I had a weird feeling about it. The second group. Politics, different opinions. They were going to protests. I still had this omnipresent anxiety of any political topic coming up and a political discussion ensuing. When I was alone and lost in my thoughts, I caught myself practicing what I would say to them, shakily practicing the words "I don't wanna start a political discussion. " and "I don't know enough about it to have an opinion" over and over in my head. I didn't want to keep thinking about this topic, but I couldn't stop my brain from circling back to it.

So, I kind of tried to avoid going, wondering if they might say it's too late for me to come at some point, or if I could bring it over myself to just not go. I kept asking around other friends what they were doing, playing with the thought of just ignoring the movie night and going out to a club while knowing that I don't have the guts for that.

I texted C, hoping she would be too stoned or distracted to answer, but she wasn't. I went, feeling excited and anxious at the same time. The second group was watching a documentary on the couch and we ate and I drank one useless glass of wine and they smoked and we chatted about this and that. I talked about life updates with Y again and for a few minutes, she felt like my best friend again. We were just laughing and talking and making references and there was no conflict, no protests, no other opinion, no anxiety to lose friends over politics, no knot in my stomach, just two people being on the same wave length and loving each other.

Then, C said to me "If you want to come, we are going to the protest tomorrow."

Me, staring at the TV screen, in the most neutral tone possible "No politics for me, but thank you."

Then: "It's affecting me too much and I don't know enough about it to have an opinion."

C: "It's affecting you too much emotionally?"

Me: "Yes, I cried about it in the first days so much."

I don't think what came could even count as a discussion. Y basically said that you don't need a lot to know to have an opinion and I kept repeating like a broken and deadly neutral clock "Yes, but I don't know a lot about it and I'm not gonna speak out my opinion about a topic I don't know enough a about." Staring at the TV-screen. "Discussion" is over. Nothing even happened. Just the uneasy feeling is back and the deep love and connection scattered in the air.

Later, while people were progressively falling asleep, I chatted a lot with B about random topics, growing up in a church, which countries we were interested in visiting, just easy innocent, superficial talk. When I went home, the uneasy feeling in my gut stayed.

Riding my bike back in the soothing rain, I asked myself what I was so afraid of. While did I keep avoiding this topic so desperately it hurt, and yet never thought about distancing myself from these people. I could've distanced myself from them without saying anything the first weekend I was back and literally nothing would've happened. I could've even told them the political situation is too much for me right now and I think they would've understood or at least told me that they did. I am convinced that it would've been better for my mental health to not see them so much these first days. I could distance myself from them even now, not in a hostile way, just for a while.

I don't know if I can't do that because I don't have the guts or because "I don't have enough self-love yet to allow myself a better life" (quote K). I feel like I'm only allowed to not love people as friends whole-heartedly and to distance myself from them if they are really toxic and do something actually bad, not for me just feeling uncomfortable about something I shouldn't even feel uncomfortable about.

I don't want to be a person who distances herself from anyone, for a silly reason like that. I want to live in a fairy tale where all my friends are nice and on time all of the time and I can just love them without restraint. But this world doesn't exist here. And the truth is that hanging out with them makes me always feel weird and uncomfortable in my skin and sad afterwards. And during, I also feel weird and careful and not myself. Meeting them is not making me feel good. So, I can distance myself from them, for any reason, not out of hatred for them, but jsut to protect my own sanity and my very fragile mood that can't take any amount of political discussion anymore. And of course, if I were to think about it, there are other things that bother me. It's okay if these friends are not in season for me right now, if this season, I want to meet A and S and maybe J and B and be calm. It's okay to distance myself from people even if they didn't stab me in the back, it's okay to distance myself from people because they annoy me a bit, it's okay to distance myself from people for a "silly" reason, it's okay to distance myself from people that feel toxic, even if they aren't.

#friend group #d7 #diary #friends #friendship #friend #friend breakup #political stress #gaza #israel #まれ #burlesque #burlesque show #comedy #comedy show #movie night #sewing

0 notes