the curious case of killer queen-- or, rather, the why and how of its importance to one kira yoshikage. perhaps, predictably so, it can be traced all the way back to his very first murder (if one wished to romanticize it, they could dare to say that it was his first foray.) of sugimoto reimi.
"murder" is a term that not many would grow comfortable with; it is an act that's considered irredeemable. a person that is apt to kill -- especially in cold blood -- is considered something of a "case study" with a slew of questions following their each and every move. because they are no longer just a person but, in addition, a murderer. there is a certain reputation attached to the title, frequently treated with derision and grounds for exile.
why did they do it? was it planned? for how long did they plan it? or, maybe, did they do it on a whim? what's wrong with them? are they sick in the head? did anyone notice any signs-- any signs at all? what should we do with them? are they even allowed to live?
those were only a small collection of questions that kira, when he was younger, thought he'd never have to answer or, let alone, think about. everyone had the occasional "violent urge" (don't you sometimes just want to bash some heads in? with a hammer, especially?) and those that say they don't... are clearly lying. life is hard; school, work, family, friends? all of those and more can be attributed to stress, whether on purpose or by accident. it's only natural for people to fantasize a little, if only to blow off some of that steam.
kira thought that that's what he was doing and, matter of fact, still does. he's well aware that his daydreams ("fantasy" feels too childish, a little cuckoo, and a little too... light.) were more frequent, especially compared to those of his peers and their own fantastical imaginary subject matters. but it didn't matter to him in the long run. he didn't dare get caught up in semantics. as long as it was confirmed to him that he wasn't "alone", generally speaking, then that's all he needed.
when he saw reimi, though? the urges grew. they crashed over him like a thousand waves, pulling at him and wrenching him away from the surface. it ripped him straight into the watery abyss, one arm outstretched toward the surface as the light drifts further and further away. it posed to him a quandary: what was it about this girl in particular that caught his eye?
it had nothing to do with her personality, he knew, nor did it have much to do with her overall appearance. it was only when she'd wave at him (why did she do that? was she stupid-- flaunting herself for every boy to see? maybe that's what she wanted... but why?) that kira felt his heart leap up into his throat, lodging itself in place and beat to the tune of a thousand drums.
it's when she'd offer him a stick of gum or a pencil -- sometimes the other way around but only the pencil, though -- that he'd realize how slender her fingers were... the shape of her fingernails... how lovely a shade (but he could do better.) her nail polish was... how soft her hands were from only a slight touch...
they always did say that less is more.
killing someone always seemed easy, especially in fiction. kira wondered why that was (he still does... sometimes.) but never thought to pursue further. it was a common enough conundrum (or, more like, he now starts to wonder why there were so many... inaccuracies.) or, well, so kira thought.
reimi didn't have to die that night.
kira knew that better than anyone.
if she hadn't ran-- hadn't panicked, started screaming, crying and sobbing like a little bitch kid? then, maybe, things might've ended a little bit differently. or not. in the grand scheme of things, however, it's incredibly hard to say. kira tends not to dwell on such details. what was the point when it already happened? for him to live a peaceful life, there'd be no room for regrets.
so, when he killed reimi, he chose not to regret it. even as his body felt as if it were stagnating, each step out of that now empty house a slow, wide drag (felt like he was towing a corpse, already nice and snug in its body bag.) an action he was watching. a bystander to his own actions, kira watched as the world shifted and changed around him yet couldn't remark on his surroundings. he understood that he was inside a house -- the sugimoto residence, suddenly vacant and on standby -- but didn't understand how he got outside.
it all felt like a blip.
stabbing someone wasn't as exciting as the movies made it out to be. perhaps if reimi wasn't so stubborn (he wakes up with a light slice on his cheek the morning after. "where did that come from?" he asks himself in the mirror.) then, again, maybe things would've been different. but, as it was, stabbing someone was supposed to... make you feel something, wasn't it? it could've been anything. kira wasn't picky.
he thinks it might've been a bit of adrenaline, mixed in with a touch of exhaustion. an ugly combination, because all kira wanted to do was to go home and take a nice, long, hot shower.
when he climbed out of the window, he remembers hearing his pant leg tear on the broken glass. he doesn't remember cutting himself. why should he? nothing happened that night besides the obvious: somebody died. kira killed someone. that was fine. that was normal. people die all the time, don't they? of course they do. it's nothing out of the ordinary.
as he trudged home that night, kira recalled how his neighborhood looked. some houses looked too bright while others looked... off. blurry might've been too on the nose, as he could make out some defining features but not all of them. he remembered looking down at his hands, the undersides of his nails caked with blood (he needs to clip them when he gets home, he thinks.) and his palms spritzed with red. where did all that red come from again?
there's an urge to lick it off, if only to clean himself. but he tells himself that the shower would be better. he resists the urge all the way home, arms limp at his sides.
setting foot into his home was something he knew he did but not the how. everything either happened too slowly or too quick. he doesn't know what was supposed to happen first, either-- was their grandfather clock always that loud? it's starting to hurt his head. he thinks about smashing it. he's pretty sure he smashed it, because the sound did eventually stop.
his clothes were set aside in a heap, bloodied and rancid. the shower could wait, he suddenly decides. a fresh, clean set of pajamas did just fine. he didn't need to go through any extra effort. tomorrow, he'll wash his old clothes. or maybe he'll burn them. that was a tough choice to make. if his mother were to find out... it might actually kill her (she watched him unveil them from a finely wrapped present, smiling and squeeing in joy when he thanked her for the gift.) if she found out what he did. that would've been too much of a hassle, dealing with two bodies in sitting.
when yoshihiro finds out -- quicker than the police, though, for what it's worth -- was when kira realizes. he expects... something, though he isn't quite sure what. a beating, perhaps? apparently corporal punishment was a common form of discipline from yoshihiro's time (it goes way back.) but kira's never heard his father mention it once. surely, if not because of the sugimoto "mess" then he'd definitely be furious about their clock. that much was to be expected.
instead, though, yoshihiro doesn't do anything.
the next morning, the grandfather clock's still in one piece.
kira learns, in lieu of any sort of punishment, that yoshihiro "understands" why he did what he did. this realization, he thinks, should've confused him. but it didn't. sitting in school, anxious with your fingernails bitten to a near pulp (they know, don't they? no, they can't know. no one cares enough about some girl.) hardly compared to coming home with your father standing in the doorway as opposed to your mother. that birthed a completely different sense of dread.
and, yet, kira hardly felt much of anything.
maybe it was due to the shock... or something.
they had a "talk" in kira's room, with his father somberly pointing to the neatly folded stack of clothes at the corner of his bed. there was no need for him to look, already understanding that those were yesterday's clothes-- only, now, they were freshly washed and as if nothing had ever happened to them in the first place. they were spotless. sterile. yoshihiro asks him a question ("did you want to burn them?") and kira, after a beat, responds ("i think that would be best.") cordially.
there's a lot to take into account when killing someone; it seems simple on the surface but that's only what the media wants you to believe. "murder" holds a certain weight to it, affecting all of those involved and those indirectly involved. kira would never come out and say, bluntly, that he holds any sort of "trauma" in regards to reimi's death. it was something he was told that he "didn't need to worry about", personally, by his own father.
it only felt appropriate to obey the kira patriarch's words.
he never quite found out how the sugimotos' bodies were disposed of. all he knew was that his father had something to do with it. then it took maybe a week or so before the news finally caught wind of it, expressing that they were "missing persons" before, eventually, it evolved into a presumed death. kira wondered how people would bury a body that couldn't be found.
over time, killing becomes more of a "hobby" of sorts for kira. yoshihiro accompanies him each and every time-- this must be what father-son bonding was like. with each stab of the knife, each dragging of a body into only god knows where, he's starting to grow comfortable with the act. there's still the inevitable shudder that courses through his body, the shivers that wrack his entire self and make his teeth chatter... he assumes that's normal. it must be normal.
he tells himself he doesn't mind the feeling but, in truth, he absolutely hates it. yoshihiro notices, because he's a good father. egypt was the next course of action for the ever-doting father.
what he doesn't notice, however, were kira's lingering stares on any of the girls' hands they kill. no one's perfect, after all.
when kira's stabbed by the arrow, he at first thinks it's a nightmare. only when his vision's clear enough does he see his father standing over him, face an ugly sight from the flood of tears rolling down his face. no sound escaped him, though he found the urge to call kira yoshihiro "hideous" an astonishing temptation.
killer queen's manifestation was one of minimal fanfare. at first, kira doesn't say anything of its appearance to his parents-- especially his father. kimiko never found out, but yoshihiro eventually did. it was only a matter of time, honestly. when they did so much together... it was foolish to think that a boy could keep such a big secret from him.
using his stand and realizing its true potential, he started to realize that killing didn't have to be a hands-on job. in fact, it didn't need to be such a huge deal in the first place. he'd experiment, coming to understand that killer queen was there to make his life easier. it was just another tool, existing purely for the benefit of its user and owner: kira yoshikage. what made matters only better, too, was that killer queen simply couldn't argue. it did as it was told, with zero complaint, and did so efficiently.
it was much better than a warm body, always huffing and puffing about wanting to do everything for kira and how much he loved him. eventually, and he knew this, he'd have to grow up and do things on his own.
his first kill without yoshihiro was fine. it went off without a hitch. there was no struggle, no real mess to clean up (besides a bit of vomit.), and it was relatively painless. as a bonus, his teeth no longer chattered nor did he feel oddly cold after wards. everything on his person was calm and relaxed, almost eerily so. touching a person was near unavoidable, but the less physical contact... the better. killer queen was what made that possible.
being able to separate the "good" from the "bad" was just another bonus. chopping at a person's wrist was surprisingly difficult, and the bone was only part of the problem. there was all that sinew, all that muscle, all that blood... it was far too messy.
that was one of the few times killer queen acted on its own accord (or, maybe, it was purely working off of its user's subconscious.) and touched the still-attached arm. in an explosion of red, orange, and a bit of yellow, kira saw only just a hand that remained. there was a distinct odor of gunpowder, but the open windows was already beginning to vacuum it out and kindly disperse it.
luck was in kira's favor, and his stand was the harbinger of it.
everything fell into place one way or another, as was deserved.
growing up led to him realizing that, sometimes, things couldn't go his way. there would always be a few times when he'd need to push back, grabbing onto someone (the neck was his favored spot, because of how thin it was. it was easy to hold onto and felt nice, soft, and squishy in his grip-- like a clump of putty.) or merely having to chase them... but that was fine. if anything, it did yield onto kira the experience he so desperately needed. he heard such things were called "growing pains".
but it worked in his favor. killing someone wasn't necessarily a bad thing to him; it was simply something he had to do because it was a "hobby" of his. if he wasn't allowed to do it then why was killer queen given to him, of all people? the logic was totally and utterly flawless. kira was one of lady luck's chosen.
it was as they always say: good things come to those who wait, and kira knew himself to be the poster child for it.
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sexuality, in general, isn't entirely alien to kira. however, this isn't to say that he's well-versed in the subject, either. moreover, it's a "concept" that he himself finds much interest in-- inherently, it is something that he's never thought much of. it is neither a complicated nor simple subject matter in his perspective and, as such, obligates him to barely (like skimming your finger across the water's surface.) indulge with.
for the majority of his life, kira more or less understood sexuality in a very black and white manner: heterosexual was assumed as default unless otherwise stated. nowadays, he still tends to lean this way (it's not intentional but, rather, it's subconscious.) though will occasionally "catch" himself and correct accordingly. again, though, this isn't a huge priority of his and is treated as such. it's not so much necessity but something he's learned to "keep in mind" for sake of keeping up with society and its ever-changing economics.
to say that kira identified as heterosexual, however, would be oversimplifying his own journey. he never bothered to give it much thought, instead assuming he was the "default" sexuality. so, in a way, he did identify as heterosexual but not by cause of his own exploration or anything of the sort. kira yoshikage was straight because, by basic deduction, everyone else around him was, also, straight.
there was no reason for him to explore this side of himself as there was, objectively, no purpose to doing so. he found that he was attracted to women (or, at risk of sounding pedantic, their hands more-so.) and left it at that. whenever he was made to share a space with a man andor those that leaned towards the masculine end of the spectrum, he felt nothing.
the thought of glancing at a man's hand never crossed his mind.
whenever he was in the presence of a woman, however? there was always that inherent -- insidious as it was, a man's libido was not to be trifled with -- urge (it wasn't a curiosity. it was necessary, hardwired into him like some sort of... code.) to look. even if it were a fleeting glance? that was more than enough. stealing only a glimpse of a woman's hands was proof to kira that his sexuality was unmistakably rigid and straight; it was once a fact that brought him an eerie sense of comfort.
he didn't take pride in "being" heterosexual. rather, it was the fact that he understood himself and no longer had to ponder on it. additionally, there was an unspoken sort of agreement between him and society that he was "just like everyone else". it helped him feel normal-- or, well, what the most barebones idea of "normal" was.
while many others, boys especially, would discover their various preferences (kinks, fetishes, spank bank, and everything in-between.) through expected means such as magazines, television, cinema, or, of course, pornography? kira found his comfort in the likes of the mona lisa. once again, too, he didn't give it any further thought. she was a woman (or was, at least, depicted as such.) and, due to that, helped kira realize his own tastes and come to terms with them all the quicker.
her existence expedited the process and, for that, kira thought it appropriate to express at least a modicum of gratitude. not much, mind you. she was just a painting, after all.
as it happens, he was at peace with himself and his orientation. by cause and effect, there was no need whatsoever for him to pursue further. he was fine with presenting as the "default", even if it meant dealing with the occasional "hey, what's your type, yoshikage?" ("i prefer them in pieces," is what he thinks but says, instead, "blondes, i suppose.") opener. it was a small price to pay (sometimes he prefers brunettes. other times he likes redheads.) in exchange for the ultimate comfort: peace and quiet.
however, things rarely stay the same forever.
kira might've or might've not learned this the hard way.
he's still deciding.
meeting one kishibe rohan -- in an unexpected and harrowing way, both in time and place -- certainly wasn't what kira thought to be his "awakening", as some might put it. due to his relationship with rohan, taking place over the course of more than just a couple of months (it feels like years, stuck in place like a mouse in a trap.) whilst leaving the two of them no room to compromise, kira had no choice but to adapt. maybe improvise and overcome would've come next, but they never did. it'd just be a waste of time and energy now.
it's difficult to say if kira himself actively identifies as bisexual, considering his attraction for rohan (both inside and outside, outwardly and internally, til death do they part.) appears to be... individualistic. he, to this day, doesn't feel much for others of the same sex or gender as he is but tends not to dwell. there could be, perhaps, the simple excuse of, "why would i want to be attracted to any man other than him?" which has become a much needed source of comfort.
this isn't to say kira's "attraction" towards women (it's the chase-- the act of fixing them and teaching them.) has dwindled, but he has managed to adjust his trajectory. he no longer considers himself a bachelor -- though, if asked and if it's the easier option, he will... sometimes say it if only to escape a conversation quicker -- and actively rejects a woman's "advances" (naughty, naughty girl! can't she see he's already taken, happily engaged forever and ever and then some?) whenever put on the spot.
this, of course, applies to women with a full body and those without.
although, at that point? it's just common sense and needn't be said.
because of the execution of said journey into discovery and the lack of education from kira's part, it's hard for him to give a direct answer on his orientation. he's thankful for, at the very least, that it doesn't seem to come up in conversation often. being asked on if he's seeing someone and answering honestly is a far easier task than actually having to explain one's self, and he's already experienced it a few too many times. reactions weren't as strong as he might've expected (he's heard slurs fly around like candy at a parade, derogatory comments made by the same men who asked him what kind of girl he likes.) but it's safer for him to, simply put, avoid the risk altogether.
the idea of liking someone of a similar caliber ("but we're both men," kira remembers saying, feeling like he walked straight out of a romcom. he wanted to kill himself once realizing, the feeling intensifying when rohan snorted before bursting out into laughter.) as he doesn't necessarily bother kira. moreover, it's the idea that he's no longer presumed as the "default" and wonders if that turns him into a target. rohan himself is confident and open-minded, proudly displaying himself to the world. maybe it's because he doesn't care. he's found himself wondering, because of this, if rohan himself was never seen as "normal" anyway. perhaps it didn't bother him in the first place.
it's not envy that he feels towards this potential. he just wonders why it's so easy for someone else other than him. what makes it a bigger and harder pill to swallow, too, is that he knows a solution for this conundrum just doesn't exist.
to this day, kira doesn't think much about his sexuality. it's both a conscious and subconscious decision, done to prevent any further misgivings and an unintentional foray into a place he just... doesn't understand. fear and worry, too, might be a partial factor.
life is so much easier, after all, if you just go with the flow.
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