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quirofiliac · 13 days

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the curious case of killer queen-- or, rather, the why and how of its importance to one kira yoshikage. perhaps, predictably so, it can be traced all the way back to his very first murder (if one wished to romanticize it, they could dare to say that it was his first foray.) of sugimoto reimi.

"murder" is a term that not many would grow comfortable with; it is an act that's considered irredeemable. a person that is apt to kill -- especially in cold blood -- is considered something of a "case study" with a slew of questions following their each and every move. because they are no longer just a person but, in addition, a murderer. there is a certain reputation attached to the title, frequently treated with derision and grounds for exile.

why did they do it? was it planned? for how long did they plan it? or, maybe, did they do it on a whim? what's wrong with them? are they sick in the head? did anyone notice any signs-- any signs at all? what should we do with them? are they even allowed to live?

those were only a small collection of questions that kira, when he was younger, thought he'd never have to answer or, let alone, think about. everyone had the occasional "violent urge" (don't you sometimes just want to bash some heads in? with a hammer, especially?) and those that say they don't... are clearly lying. life is hard; school, work, family, friends? all of those and more can be attributed to stress, whether on purpose or by accident. it's only natural for people to fantasize a little, if only to blow off some of that steam.

kira thought that that's what he was doing and, matter of fact, still does. he's well aware that his daydreams ("fantasy" feels too childish, a little cuckoo, and a little too... light.) were more frequent, especially compared to those of his peers and their own fantastical imaginary subject matters. but it didn't matter to him in the long run. he didn't dare get caught up in semantics. as long as it was confirmed to him that he wasn't "alone", generally speaking, then that's all he needed.

when he saw reimi, though? the urges grew. they crashed over him like a thousand waves, pulling at him and wrenching him away from the surface. it ripped him straight into the watery abyss, one arm outstretched toward the surface as the light drifts further and further away. it posed to him a quandary: what was it about this girl in particular that caught his eye?

it had nothing to do with her personality, he knew, nor did it have much to do with her overall appearance. it was only when she'd wave at him (why did she do that? was she stupid-- flaunting herself for every boy to see? maybe that's what she wanted... but why?) that kira felt his heart leap up into his throat, lodging itself in place and beat to the tune of a thousand drums.

it's when she'd offer him a stick of gum or a pencil -- sometimes the other way around but only the pencil, though -- that he'd realize how slender her fingers were... the shape of her fingernails... how lovely a shade (but he could do better.) her nail polish was... how soft her hands were from only a slight touch...

they always did say that less is more.

killing someone always seemed easy, especially in fiction. kira wondered why that was (he still does... sometimes.) but never thought to pursue further. it was a common enough conundrum (or, more like, he now starts to wonder why there were so many... inaccuracies.) or, well, so kira thought.

reimi didn't have to die that night. kira knew that better than anyone.

if she hadn't ran-- hadn't panicked, started screaming, crying and sobbing like a little bitch kid? then, maybe, things might've ended a little bit differently. or not. in the grand scheme of things, however, it's incredibly hard to say. kira tends not to dwell on such details. what was the point when it already happened? for him to live a peaceful life, there'd be no room for regrets.

so, when he killed reimi, he chose not to regret it. even as his body felt as if it were stagnating, each step out of that now empty house a slow, wide drag (felt like he was towing a corpse, already nice and snug in its body bag.) an action he was watching. a bystander to his own actions, kira watched as the world shifted and changed around him yet couldn't remark on his surroundings. he understood that he was inside a house -- the sugimoto residence, suddenly vacant and on standby -- but didn't understand how he got outside.

it all felt like a blip.

stabbing someone wasn't as exciting as the movies made it out to be. perhaps if reimi wasn't so stubborn (he wakes up with a light slice on his cheek the morning after. "where did that come from?" he asks himself in the mirror.) then, again, maybe things would've been different. but, as it was, stabbing someone was supposed to... make you feel something, wasn't it? it could've been anything. kira wasn't picky.

he thinks it might've been a bit of adrenaline, mixed in with a touch of exhaustion. an ugly combination, because all kira wanted to do was to go home and take a nice, long, hot shower.

when he climbed out of the window, he remembers hearing his pant leg tear on the broken glass. he doesn't remember cutting himself. why should he? nothing happened that night besides the obvious: somebody died. kira killed someone. that was fine. that was normal. people die all the time, don't they? of course they do. it's nothing out of the ordinary.

as he trudged home that night, kira recalled how his neighborhood looked. some houses looked too bright while others looked... off. blurry might've been too on the nose, as he could make out some defining features but not all of them. he remembered looking down at his hands, the undersides of his nails caked with blood (he needs to clip them when he gets home, he thinks.) and his palms spritzed with red. where did all that red come from again?

there's an urge to lick it off, if only to clean himself. but he tells himself that the shower would be better. he resists the urge all the way home, arms limp at his sides.

setting foot into his home was something he knew he did but not the how. everything either happened too slowly or too quick. he doesn't know what was supposed to happen first, either-- was their grandfather clock always that loud? it's starting to hurt his head. he thinks about smashing it. he's pretty sure he smashed it, because the sound did eventually stop.

his clothes were set aside in a heap, bloodied and rancid. the shower could wait, he suddenly decides. a fresh, clean set of pajamas did just fine. he didn't need to go through any extra effort. tomorrow, he'll wash his old clothes. or maybe he'll burn them. that was a tough choice to make. if his mother were to find out... it might actually kill her (she watched him unveil them from a finely wrapped present, smiling and squeeing in joy when he thanked her for the gift.) if she found out what he did. that would've been too much of a hassle, dealing with two bodies in sitting.

when yoshihiro finds out -- quicker than the police, though, for what it's worth -- was when kira realizes. he expects... something, though he isn't quite sure what. a beating, perhaps? apparently corporal punishment was a common form of discipline from yoshihiro's time (it goes way back.) but kira's never heard his father mention it once. surely, if not because of the sugimoto "mess" then he'd definitely be furious about their clock. that much was to be expected.

instead, though, yoshihiro doesn't do anything. the next morning, the grandfather clock's still in one piece.

kira learns, in lieu of any sort of punishment, that yoshihiro "understands" why he did what he did. this realization, he thinks, should've confused him. but it didn't. sitting in school, anxious with your fingernails bitten to a near pulp (they know, don't they? no, they can't know. no one cares enough about some girl.) hardly compared to coming home with your father standing in the doorway as opposed to your mother. that birthed a completely different sense of dread.

and, yet, kira hardly felt much of anything. maybe it was due to the shock... or something.

they had a "talk" in kira's room, with his father somberly pointing to the neatly folded stack of clothes at the corner of his bed. there was no need for him to look, already understanding that those were yesterday's clothes-- only, now, they were freshly washed and as if nothing had ever happened to them in the first place. they were spotless. sterile. yoshihiro asks him a question ("did you want to burn them?") and kira, after a beat, responds ("i think that would be best.") cordially.

there's a lot to take into account when killing someone; it seems simple on the surface but that's only what the media wants you to believe. "murder" holds a certain weight to it, affecting all of those involved and those indirectly involved. kira would never come out and say, bluntly, that he holds any sort of "trauma" in regards to reimi's death. it was something he was told that he "didn't need to worry about", personally, by his own father.

it only felt appropriate to obey the kira patriarch's words.

he never quite found out how the sugimotos' bodies were disposed of. all he knew was that his father had something to do with it. then it took maybe a week or so before the news finally caught wind of it, expressing that they were "missing persons" before, eventually, it evolved into a presumed death. kira wondered how people would bury a body that couldn't be found.

over time, killing becomes more of a "hobby" of sorts for kira. yoshihiro accompanies him each and every time-- this must be what father-son bonding was like. with each stab of the knife, each dragging of a body into only god knows where, he's starting to grow comfortable with the act. there's still the inevitable shudder that courses through his body, the shivers that wrack his entire self and make his teeth chatter... he assumes that's normal. it must be normal.

he tells himself he doesn't mind the feeling but, in truth, he absolutely hates it. yoshihiro notices, because he's a good father. egypt was the next course of action for the ever-doting father.

what he doesn't notice, however, were kira's lingering stares on any of the girls' hands they kill. no one's perfect, after all.

when kira's stabbed by the arrow, he at first thinks it's a nightmare. only when his vision's clear enough does he see his father standing over him, face an ugly sight from the flood of tears rolling down his face. no sound escaped him, though he found the urge to call kira yoshihiro "hideous" an astonishing temptation.

killer queen's manifestation was one of minimal fanfare. at first, kira doesn't say anything of its appearance to his parents-- especially his father. kimiko never found out, but yoshihiro eventually did. it was only a matter of time, honestly. when they did so much together... it was foolish to think that a boy could keep such a big secret from him.

using his stand and realizing its true potential, he started to realize that killing didn't have to be a hands-on job. in fact, it didn't need to be such a huge deal in the first place. he'd experiment, coming to understand that killer queen was there to make his life easier. it was just another tool, existing purely for the benefit of its user and owner: kira yoshikage. what made matters only better, too, was that killer queen simply couldn't argue. it did as it was told, with zero complaint, and did so efficiently.

it was much better than a warm body, always huffing and puffing about wanting to do everything for kira and how much he loved him. eventually, and he knew this, he'd have to grow up and do things on his own.

his first kill without yoshihiro was fine. it went off without a hitch. there was no struggle, no real mess to clean up (besides a bit of vomit.), and it was relatively painless. as a bonus, his teeth no longer chattered nor did he feel oddly cold after wards. everything on his person was calm and relaxed, almost eerily so. touching a person was near unavoidable, but the less physical contact... the better. killer queen was what made that possible.

being able to separate the "good" from the "bad" was just another bonus. chopping at a person's wrist was surprisingly difficult, and the bone was only part of the problem. there was all that sinew, all that muscle, all that blood... it was far too messy.

that was one of the few times killer queen acted on its own accord (or, maybe, it was purely working off of its user's subconscious.) and touched the still-attached arm. in an explosion of red, orange, and a bit of yellow, kira saw only just a hand that remained. there was a distinct odor of gunpowder, but the open windows was already beginning to vacuum it out and kindly disperse it.

luck was in kira's favor, and his stand was the harbinger of it. everything fell into place one way or another, as was deserved.

growing up led to him realizing that, sometimes, things couldn't go his way. there would always be a few times when he'd need to push back, grabbing onto someone (the neck was his favored spot, because of how thin it was. it was easy to hold onto and felt nice, soft, and squishy in his grip-- like a clump of putty.) or merely having to chase them... but that was fine. if anything, it did yield onto kira the experience he so desperately needed. he heard such things were called "growing pains".

but it worked in his favor. killing someone wasn't necessarily a bad thing to him; it was simply something he had to do because it was a "hobby" of his. if he wasn't allowed to do it then why was killer queen given to him, of all people? the logic was totally and utterly flawless. kira was one of lady luck's chosen.

it was as they always say: good things come to those who wait, and kira knew himself to be the poster child for it.

#＊ 💥 断片：headcanon.#derealization tw /#dissociation tw /#ableism tw /#not directed at anyone but more-so the language used in kira's experience/s

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anamon-book · 6 months

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島とクジラと女をめぐる断片アントニオ・タブッキ、須賀敦子・訳青土社装幀＝高麗隆彦

#Donna di Porto Pim #島とクジラと女をめぐる断片 #antonio tabucchi #アントニオ・タブッキ #atsuko suga #須賀敦子 #takahiko koma #高麗隆彦 #anamon #古本屋あなもん #あなもん #book cover

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nakamorijuan · 1 year

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禁断のテレパシー

#el.nakamori #El Nakamori #Nana Katase #Katase Nana #Shizuka Kudo #Kudo Shizuka #禁断のテレパシー #工藤静香 #片瀬那奈 #JPOP #JMUSIC #IDOL #アイドル歌謡曲 #アイドル #平田祥一郎 #カヴァー #Kindan No TELEPATHY

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kurotoki-tukiyominosato · 2 years

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#pixel art #断片思想

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sssyufunakko · 26 days

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今日の片付けは、旦那の趣味の部分の片付け手伝い。

とにかく小物が多すぎる趣味なので管理が大変。

そしてもったいないと溜め込む気質だし作りたいと思ったときに手元に素材がないとやる気が出ないからと言って素材を買い込む。

今回も素材ごとに分けてしまったりしたけど、私がやっとひとつ開けた衣装ケースに素材を詰めてご満悦。

趣味の素材だけでなく服もほとんど着てないものも捨てずに取っておくのでうちの服の半分以上は旦那のもの。

そのうちの5分の1しか着てないのに。

毎回衣替えの季節に管理してしまったりだしたりするのは全部私の役目。

最近は我慢の限界が近づいてきたので衣替えのときに少しでも捨てる服を選んでもらって何着か捨てられるようになった。

この冬も好んで着すぎて裾がほつれてきた肌着を早く捨てて欲しい。

でも、なんだかんだと言い訳をしてそれは捨てないのだろう。

それはともかく、少しでも見える部分の趣味のものがなくなったのでちょっとは良かったですかね。

2％くらいなんだけど…。

私の自分の片付けは、庭のボックスの中を捨てまくった。

子供が幼児だった頃の長靴と、小学生の頃に買った長靴。

それと、この冬を越した花壇の手入れを少し。

枯れたものを取り、生きてる奴には土を足してあげた。

また春の花壇を作りたくなった。

家の中が全部片付いたわけではないから、手をつけるのはまだ先のことだろうけど、今からワクワクする。

#断捨離 #掃除 #片付け

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necodacoffee · 2 months

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何日か分のてきとー断片。いまちょっと余裕ないけど、またパッチワークみたいにできたらいいなと思う。ひとつひとつ全然関係ないことのようでいて全部自分の言葉だから統一感出るのが良い。

あたまで考えてはめ込んだみたいなのがいちばん統一感出ない。不思議。

＊＊＊＊＊

聴くことできないくらい

聴きたい音がある

ただ聴きたい

ただ感じたい

不思議でなぜかわからなくて

身動きがとれなくなるので

そこからはなれる

不思議じゃないけど不思議だけど

こんなふうに

なってしまう自分もいやだし

拒絶におびえることもいやだし

結局時計の針がすすむ音を聴いてる

するべきことする

やりたい方へむかう

ストーブで足をあたためる

うごけなくならないように

#ネコ断片

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liyatv · 4 months

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ひよん: 【コスメ断捨離】大量のコスメを仕分け！整理整頓&収納苦手女、今年も頑張りました。【断捨離 / 収納術】

liya.tv

#Hiyon #Hiyon Channel #オススメ #おすすめコスメ #コスメ #コスメ断捨離 #デパコス #ひよん #ひよんちゃんねる #プチプラ #やり方 #収納 #収納方法 #大掃除 #捨て活 #掃除 #断捨離 #片付け

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kamanori · 6 months

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#原生動物 #自然観察 #断片スケッチ

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dekovokoppi-ethnography · 1 year

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『大分弁Ⅱ　大分方言辞典』

松井督治　吉田寛　著　　株式会社大分放送　　　　　平成16年　　　より。

#凸凹ッピ民族誌 #村にある本の断片 #村の高札

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straycatboogie · 1 year

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2023/02/15

BGM: John Lennon - (Just Like) Starting Over

今日は休みだった。朝、グループホームの施設長の方とお会いする。利用料を支払い、その後いろいろ話をした。施設長の方からは私自身の日々の頑張りを認めて下さる言葉をいただき、ありがたく思う。去年金銭面のことで失敗してしまい、ずいぶんつらい思いをしたことを思い出した。その施設長の方や他の方から見守られていることが自分自身の成長につながっているのかなと思う。今でも衝動買いしそうになることはあるし、実際にムダなお金だって使ってしまう。欲求ということで言えばお酒を求める心理だってある。そうした依存症とどう向き合うかが今後の生活の鍵となるのだろう。呑みたいとか欲しいとかいった気持ちを「克服」すること、自分に「打ち克つ」ことは自分は無理だと思っている。情けないけれどそれが私自身が依存症であるということだ。意志が弱いことを認めて生きていきたい。

昼、市役所で断酒会の昼例会に参加する。私自身の体験談を話した後、新しく参加されるようになった方のお話を聞かせてもらう。断酒会では常に「新しい人こそが先生である」と学ぶ。新人の方の立ち居振る舞いや体験談が私たち自身のまだ断酒して間がなかった時のことを思い出させるからであり、そこから自分がどう立ち直ってきたか学び直させるからだ。私自身、まだ断酒し始めて右も左も分からなかった頃「こんな会に出て話を聞いて、何の功徳があるのだろう？」と疑わしく思ったこと、胡散臭くさえ思ったことを思い出し懐かしくなった。新しいその方は笑顔も見せ、以前より力強く回復と新生に向けて再び生き直そうと頑張っておられるように見えた。そのポジティブな様子に私も嬉しく思う。アルコール依存症の方の中でそうして自助グループにつながる方は本当にわずかなので、私の姿が彼女の回復の一助となればうれしい。

その後昼寝をして、片岡義男『英語で日本語を考える』を読む。片岡義男はこの本の中で、彼が気になったさまざまな日本語表現を取り出しそれを英語に置き直して提示する（場合によっては逆に、気になった英語の表現から日本語訳を示すこともある）。日本語をそのまま機械的にべったり英語に置き直すのではなく、その日本語表現を「砕いて」さまざまな要素にまで分解した後に、そこから英語を本格的に組み立てる。その手付きが鮮やかで、私も多くを学ばせてもらう。私たちはしばしば、ひとつひとつの単語を逐語的に英語に訳して英訳を組み立てようとする。機械翻訳が時に珍妙な訳を提示するのはそうした無理が祟ってのことだと思う。外国語に訳するということは、その言葉が孕む独自の「発想の転換」を学んで自家薬籠中の物にすることなのだろう。改めて片岡の手付きからそう学ばせてもらった。

夜、断酒会の例会に参加する。そこで昼例会に参加された新人の方とも再びお��いする。彼女は本格的に彼女の人生を「生きる」意志を固めたように見えて、それが頼もしくさえ映った。私にとって春はしのぎにくい時期だ。この日記にも以前に書いたことがあるのだけれど、春になって天気がいい日、みんなが花見だ行楽だと楽しんでいる最中に私は家で自分自身の鬱屈を持て余して酒に溺れるしかなかった、そんな思い出を反芻してしまうのだった。これからの時期、時間を止めるわけにはいかないので確実に春へと移り変わる時期を私は断酒会やその他のつながりに頼りながら暮らしていくことになる。そして4月3日、自分が酒を辞めた記念日がまた訪れる。かれこれ8年目。まだまだ私自身も修行中、勉強中の身である。この修行に終わりはない……その後会がはねたあと自室に戻って、古井由吉『槿』を読んで過ごす。

#日記 #純日記 #雑日記 #日記のようなもの #依存症 #アルコール依存症 #断酒 #断酒会 #新生 #片岡義男 #古井由吉 #大人の英語学習 #修行中 #一日断酒

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quirofiliac · 1 month

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sexuality, in general, isn't entirely alien to kira. however, this isn't to say that he's well-versed in the subject, either. moreover, it's a "concept" that he himself finds much interest in-- inherently, it is something that he's never thought much of. it is neither a complicated nor simple subject matter in his perspective and, as such, obligates him to barely (like skimming your finger across the water's surface.) indulge with.

for the majority of his life, kira more or less understood sexuality in a very black and white manner: heterosexual was assumed as default unless otherwise stated. nowadays, he still tends to lean this way (it's not intentional but, rather, it's subconscious.) though will occasionally "catch" himself and correct accordingly. again, though, this isn't a huge priority of his and is treated as such. it's not so much necessity but something he's learned to "keep in mind" for sake of keeping up with society and its ever-changing economics.

to say that kira identified as heterosexual, however, would be oversimplifying his own journey. he never bothered to give it much thought, instead assuming he was the "default" sexuality. so, in a way, he did identify as heterosexual but not by cause of his own exploration or anything of the sort. kira yoshikage was straight because, by basic deduction, everyone else around him was, also, straight.

there was no reason for him to explore this side of himself as there was, objectively, no purpose to doing so. he found that he was attracted to women (or, at risk of sounding pedantic, their hands more-so.) and left it at that. whenever he was made to share a space with a man andor those that leaned towards the masculine end of the spectrum, he felt nothing.

the thought of glancing at a man's hand never crossed his mind.

whenever he was in the presence of a woman, however? there was always that inherent -- insidious as it was, a man's libido was not to be trifled with -- urge (it wasn't a curiosity. it was necessary, hardwired into him like some sort of... code.) to look. even if it were a fleeting glance? that was more than enough. stealing only a glimpse of a woman's hands was proof to kira that his sexuality was unmistakably rigid and straight; it was once a fact that brought him an eerie sense of comfort.

he didn't take pride in "being" heterosexual. rather, it was the fact that he understood himself and no longer had to ponder on it. additionally, there was an unspoken sort of agreement between him and society that he was "just like everyone else". it helped him feel normal-- or, well, what the most barebones idea of "normal" was.

while many others, boys especially, would discover their various preferences (kinks, fetishes, spank bank, and everything in-between.) through expected means such as magazines, television, cinema, or, of course, pornography? kira found his comfort in the likes of the mona lisa. once again, too, he didn't give it any further thought. she was a woman (or was, at least, depicted as such.) and, due to that, helped kira realize his own tastes and come to terms with them all the quicker.

her existence expedited the process and, for that, kira thought it appropriate to express at least a modicum of gratitude. not much, mind you. she was just a painting, after all.

as it happens, he was at peace with himself and his orientation. by cause and effect, there was no need whatsoever for him to pursue further. he was fine with presenting as the "default", even if it meant dealing with the occasional "hey, what's your type, yoshikage?" ("i prefer them in pieces," is what he thinks but says, instead, "blondes, i suppose.") opener. it was a small price to pay (sometimes he prefers brunettes. other times he likes redheads.) in exchange for the ultimate comfort: peace and quiet.

however, things rarely stay the same forever. kira might've or might've not learned this the hard way.

he's still deciding.

meeting one kishibe rohan -- in an unexpected and harrowing way, both in time and place -- certainly wasn't what kira thought to be his "awakening", as some might put it. due to his relationship with rohan, taking place over the course of more than just a couple of months (it feels like years, stuck in place like a mouse in a trap.) whilst leaving the two of them no room to compromise, kira had no choice but to adapt. maybe improvise and overcome would've come next, but they never did. it'd just be a waste of time and energy now.

it's difficult to say if kira himself actively identifies as bisexual, considering his attraction for rohan (both inside and outside, outwardly and internally, til death do they part.) appears to be... individualistic. he, to this day, doesn't feel much for others of the same sex or gender as he is but tends not to dwell. there could be, perhaps, the simple excuse of, "why would i want to be attracted to any man other than him?" which has become a much needed source of comfort.

this isn't to say kira's "attraction" towards women (it's the chase-- the act of fixing them and teaching them.) has dwindled, but he has managed to adjust his trajectory. he no longer considers himself a bachelor -- though, if asked and if it's the easier option, he will... sometimes say it if only to escape a conversation quicker -- and actively rejects a woman's "advances" (naughty, naughty girl! can't she see he's already taken, happily engaged forever and ever and then some?) whenever put on the spot.

this, of course, applies to women with a full body and those without. although, at that point? it's just common sense and needn't be said.

because of the execution of said journey into discovery and the lack of education from kira's part, it's hard for him to give a direct answer on his orientation. he's thankful for, at the very least, that it doesn't seem to come up in conversation often. being asked on if he's seeing someone and answering honestly is a far easier task than actually having to explain one's self, and he's already experienced it a few too many times. reactions weren't as strong as he might've expected (he's heard slurs fly around like candy at a parade, derogatory comments made by the same men who asked him what kind of girl he likes.) but it's safer for him to, simply put, avoid the risk altogether.

the idea of liking someone of a similar caliber ("but we're both men," kira remembers saying, feeling like he walked straight out of a romcom. he wanted to kill himself once realizing, the feeling intensifying when rohan snorted before bursting out into laughter.) as he doesn't necessarily bother kira. moreover, it's the idea that he's no longer presumed as the "default" and wonders if that turns him into a target. rohan himself is confident and open-minded, proudly displaying himself to the world. maybe it's because he doesn't care. he's found himself wondering, because of this, if rohan himself was never seen as "normal" anyway. perhaps it didn't bother him in the first place.

it's not envy that he feels towards this potential. he just wonders why it's so easy for someone else other than him. what makes it a bigger and harder pill to swallow, too, is that he knows a solution for this conundrum just doesn't exist.

to this day, kira doesn't think much about his sexuality. it's both a conscious and subconscious decision, done to prevent any further misgivings and an unintentional foray into a place he just... doesn't understand. fear and worry, too, might be a partial factor.

life is so much easier, after all, if you just go with the flow.

#＊ 💥 断片：headcanon.#praying this makes sense arrhgghrhgh #ask to tag /

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