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jiamour · 1 year

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💿 now playing: pushin’ n pullin’

povs: 💗-yn, 🖤-js, 💛-rj, 💙-jn, 🧡-mk, 💜-dh, ❤️-jm, 💚-

track 31: jobless monday

guitarist!jisung x reader

a/n: a jeno psyche introspection update :]

a/n: everyone in this au dissociated when they’re overwhelmed in their own way bcs they’re all just like me

tw// dissociation, derealization, depression, anxiety, mentions of past suicidal ideations, arguments, mark doesn’t let go of jeno when he asks him to, not suggestive but jeno spends a considerable amount of time on his knees and has an oral fixation, this was written for me and me only

word count: 4.2k

album tracklist

soundtrack: jobless monday - mitski, the cut that always bleed - conan gray

jeno is tired. mondays are always like this, he has a lecture at 11am followed by a 4 hour lab at 5pm. these are both mandatory credits that gave no other scheduling options just to ensure that he, personally, wouldn’t be able to eat lunch or dinner at his usual times, he was sure of this.

jeno just wants to graduate. they curse their younger self sometimes for choosing a 5 year program, but other times they’re grateful. jeno’s scared of graduating, they’re scared of the real world, job searching, the fact that they’re directionless and that they can’t keep putting off answering questions about what they plans to do with their life, what they plan to do in the future, because now they’re in the future and they’ve still got nothing.

sometimes, they just want to turn their thoughts off. which is what they thought their zoloft prescription was for but apparently they only takes those to feel chronically fatigued and sweaty.

jeno often feels like he lives entirely inside his mind, which is a funny thing to say because of course he does, everyone does. but he swears it’s different, he feels like the truest form of himself is trapped in a mental cavern where he sits and observes the physical world. a world that he can never truly reach or interact with, it’s far away and blurry around the edges like a vignette.

at night, when he’s alone and it’s dark and quiet, it’s like he’s not even corporeal. he can be anywhere but usually he finds himself traveling back to his childhood bedroom and it’s like he’s really truly there in every sense but physical. he has to blink himself out of it after a few minutes to prevent the unreality from completely overtaking him. he turns on his phone flash light and takes in what’s real, the overpriced uni hoodie he stole from mark that hangs over his desk chair, the pile of textbooks he needs to resell, the dying plant he hasn’t watered in weeks. he wills himself to be there, be present.

jeno finds himself following a routine, which he likes most of the time, he thinks. or maybe he doesn’t. jeno’s not quite sure what he likes. he’s not quite sure who he is at all actually. but jeno thinks he likes routines because routines mean he’s going ‘home’, or atleast a home away from home, marks apartment.

they know when they get there it will be just like any other day. mark will acknowledge their entrance with a nod not even pointed in their direction, if they’re lucky maybe they’ll be granted a mumble of greeting or a fleeting glance. jeno will kiss his cheek, maybe play with his fingers for a while, but eventually they’ll always end up sat alone at the end of mark’s bed silently playing games on their phone or texting jaemin to ease their boredom.

mark will join them around 1am every night, when jeno has already made their way up the bed and under the blankets. jeno will be just barely awake, holding on just because they swore they wouldn’t fall asleep without mark there beside them.

this stubborn “rule” has been holding on strong for about a year now, having started when jeno found mark still awake after 2 and a half days, trying to finish a paper early. that evening they stand beside marks desk, arms crossed, until late hours into the night. they remember practically falling asleep on their feet but refusing to move without mark taking a break and joining them. eventually, when jeno practically flops on top of his keyboard and rubs at their sleep filled eyes with the sleeve of their hoodie, marks hoodie, mark caves.

right now, he’s on his way home, alone. his hand reaches out instinctively when he goes to cross the street but no one grabs on. he knows it’s dumb and maybe childish but mark always holds his hand out for him when they’re around busy intersections. the emptiness reminds him of everytime mark forgets. jeno would reach his hand out and no one would hold on, he’d look to the side and see mark smiling as he texts someone on his phone.

“hey!” a voice yells out from behind him when the cross walk signal blinked to a walk. he jumps back, head whipping back and forth checking for cars that may have ran the light, but none came.

“hey,” the voice says again, closer this time, jeno turns begging themself not the shake, so the stranger doesn’t know they’re panicking over crossing the fucking street, “you’re marks partner, right?”

“yeah,” they respond, willing their natural charisma to take hold and do the talking for them, “i’m jeno.”

“perfect! could you give this to him? i haven’t been able to catch him in forever,” the stranger hands jeno a file without waiting for an answer, “and tell him to text me back!”

“okay,” jeno smiles a fake smile, “i’ve got to get home but it was nice to meet you.”

“you too man,” the boys already turning around and jeno has to cross the street again, the file shaking in his hands.

jeno loves going home to mark, even if he doesn’t get any of the attention he craves, even if he doesn’t get a second of intamacy. jeno loves mark, he has to love mark, it makes him feel stable and grounded somewhere. he likes having that role assigned to him, he likes being “marks partner”, it makes him feel like he has purpose, he has direction. he finds it a bit nerve wrecking to think about losing that part of himself but it is a bit scary in general to have such an integral part of your identity be tied to another person who you feel is slowly falling more and more out of love with you.

but if mark needs them to be more loveable then they’ll become more loveable! just not tonight. tonight, jeno is tired. tonight, they’ll appreciate the fraction of mark that they get because that’s just how things are.

jeno enters marks room and quietly closes the door behind themself and place their backpack against the wall. mark doesn’t acknowledge them once, just chews on his nicotine gum in silence, it’s one of those nights.

he wants to make a scene. he wants to make a stance. he’s gonna march straight into bed and ignore mark as well! that’ll teach him! but when jeno thinks rationally he knows mark won’t even notice and he’ll just end up feeling more upset.

so jeno goes up to his partner, ready to give him an earful about lack of quality time and appreciation. but jeno is tired. so, instead he droops lazily to his knees, right beside marks gaming chair. without looking down, mark shifts the chair back slightly, ushering jeno between his legs, almost under his desk. jeno follows the silent instructions and rests his cheeks on marks thigh with a puffed out sigh.

mark reaches a hand down to play with jeno’s hair, and jeno can’t help the smile that envelops them knowing they finally got marks attention, at least partially.

“hey yed,” marks voice is soft and sweet and he cards his fingers through jeno’s bangs pushing them back and out of his face.

mark makes them feel like their in a jar of honey, their brain feels sickeningly sweet and works painfully, perfectly, slow. jeno manages to hum back a response. “hey,” they quietly greet and they nuzzle themself further against marks thigh.

“tired?” mark asks, brushing his thumb gently over jeno’s cheek and beneath his glasses along his closed eyelid before returning to softly scratching along his scalp.

“mhmmm” jeno hums, letting his head be moved along easily by marks fingers.

mark coos, “my poor baby,” and jeno’s smile turns positively dopey, he knows if mark ever looks down he’ll be met with a very obviously love sick idiot.

everything about jeno feels like jelly. he almost huffs at that realization, not because of the feeling but because he keeps comparing himself to food. jeno might just be hungry. this is what happens when his lunch and dinner scheduling is disturbed.

marks fingers move down the back of jeno’s neck and they shiver against his touch before relaxing fully back into his thigh, jeno hadn’t even noticed themself getting tense but somehow mark managed to picked up on it.

“do you want to tell me about your day, baby?” mark asks softly, massaging circles into the hair behind jeno’s ear.

“mmmm, there was a girl on the bus with a dog this morning, i didnt get to pet it though, wasn’t sure if it was working,” jeno pouts, his voice is barely above a whisper. his eyes squeeze shut as he tries to indulge completely in marks touch, “and i got lunch with renjun, we split a family size salad from the grocery store.”

“have you eaten dinner yet?” jeno shakes their head and in the process, leans back and rests their chin atop marks knee so they can look up at their partner.

mark looks down at them and then he’s fighting off a smile as he looks away. god, he loves mark.

jeno knows he’s in love. he has been for almost 4 years now and he doesn’t think it will ever go away. mark has always described being in love as some over powering force that disorients him, practically incapacitates him, but for jeno it’s different. for jeno, it’s relaxing, it’s comfortable, it’s like living in a cloud (if clouds weren’t just water droplets and were actually stretched out cotton balls). it was something so soft he let himself sink down into it, unsuspecting, and now he’s stuck, surface barely firm enough to move, let alone climb out of.

‘cotton candy!’ jeno marvels. falling in love was like getting tangled up in a wand of cotton candy, all sticky and pretty and a little bit messy. he imagines compressing it down between his fingers forming pink and blue sugar sheets that he longs to take a bite of. the more he lets his mind wander the more he wants to devour mark. jeno really wishes he grabbed food before he came, he can barely focus on the conversation at hand. this is getting embarrassing.

“there’s some left overs in the fridge if you want them,” mark is giving them his full attention now and jeno wonders what they did to earn the honour.

“maybe later,” jeno hums back because he’s a sap and no matter how much he wants food, he wants mark more. just like this.

“yed, you need to eat if you’re hungry,” he’s softly reprimanded, with absolutely no bite behind it. mark places his hand on jeno’s cheek, stroking under his eye with his thumb. jeno leans into his touch, as good as delirious.

there’s sparks flying inside of jeno’s head, mark being worried about him skipping a single meal shouldn’t make him feel as insane as it does. jeno can feel the oxytocin levels rising in his brain, in his mind it’s a soft lilac colour and it dances behind his eyes.

and then there’s a thumb against jeno’s bottom lip, their eyes practically go cross as they attempt to look down at it. mark laughs softly at their suprise and he presses down ever so slightly, it’s just enough to make jenos mouth drop open, a response that was practically automatic.

mark eases his thumb into jeno’s mouth and jeno nips at the tip of it. mark laughs. god they love making mark laugh, it’s not exactly a difficult feat but it feels blissful every time, nonetheless.

jeno presses his tongue against the pad of marks thumb, it’s salty. wow. jeno really could devour him. he can imagine how dumb he looks right now, on his knees, huge dark circles under his eyes, hair probably a mess, his tongue lapping up his boyfriends fucking finger, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. leave it to mark to enable his oral fixation when he least expected it.

“you’re so pretty,” mark hums, and jeno wants to melt. mark thinks he looks pretty. jeno wonders what he actually looks like from marks perspective, wonders how he would feel if mark was in his position. his partner looking up at him through his lashes with his pretty doe eyes that were almost glazed over with sleep. jeno is obsessed. but, he thinks, he might just be obsessed with everything mark does.

“stop looking at me like that,” mark mutters shyly, his tone laced in fondness. he removes his thumb from jeno’s mouth and looks away again, the tips of his ears tinted red, “at least not while i’m working.”

“sorry, just love you a lot,” jeno pushes himself off of his knees a little, so he can flop more of his body onto marks lap. his arms wrap around marks waist and his head rests on his abdomen, “can’t help it.”

“you-“ mark cuts himself off with a laugh, and starts to run his fingers through jeno’s hair again, “you make me feel crazy, did you know that?”

“mhmm” jeno hums back proudly. snuggling into his partner, who HE made feel crazy, “you love me.”

“i love you,” mark hums in agreement, “so much.”

they fall back into silence.

at least until jeno’s phone buzzes.

they slump down off of mark and sit on their calf’s in front of him. jeno’s eyes light up as soon as they see the message and mark sends them a curious glance as they begin to stand up.

“jaem texted,” jeno smiles with his eyes at his confused partner and kisses him on the cheek as a goodbye, “said he was making something to eat and needed my help.”

mark grabs their hand before they can go, and pulls them back into him, placing a firm kiss on jeno’s lips. jeno smiles brighter at the unexpected action but it falters slightly when mark doesn’t let him go.

“but you just got here,” mark pouts.

“i’ll be back, i promise,” jeno smiles sweetly and playfully tugs his hand away but mark only intertwine their fingers and pulls him closer, pecking his lips again, “i’m just going down the hall markie, you wanted me to eat right?”

“yes,” mark whines, “but i thought you’d just be heating up left overs and coming right back, if you help jaemin you could be gone all night.”

“you’re so dramatic,” jeno coos at his pouting partner, lifting their intertwined hands to kiss the back of marks hand as marks shoulders sag, “i’ll be quick.”

“i haven’t seen you all day.”

“neither has jaemin,” jeno laughs like mark is only teasing.

“jaemins not your boyfriend.”

“‘mark that’s dumb, i’m just going to make dinner,” they hated the tension, every part of jeno wants to relieve the conflict they knew they were teetering on the edge of, “you could make dinner with us if you want.”

mark squeezes his hand with a frown, “i cant baby, i have to work.”

“yeah,” jeno looks away, “that’s what i thought you’d say.”

“baby,” mark was firm, his jaw clenched, “stay please.”

“jaemin wants my help and i need dinner.”

“i don’t get you,” marks eye contact burns into them.

“what?” jeno frowns back.

“i don’t get you,” mark repeats, “i don’t get why you’re choosing jaemin over me.”

“markie, you’re being ridiculous,” jeno whines, “i’m not choosing anyone. i’m making dinner.”

“not just now, in general,” he’s holding jeno’s hand so tightly now it starts to hurt, “after what he did to you. i don’t know how you forgave him.”

“you don’t know anything about jaemin,” they know their tone is cold but they can’t help it, anger starting to bubble up inside them.

“i know a fuck ton about jaemin,” mark fights back, “ i know he’s a coward, i know that he didn’t fight for you like you’d fight for him.”

“he didn’t know.”

“how could he not know? you were miserable,” jeno feels his throat start to close up as mark continues, “did he not care about you at all?”

“shut up,” jeno chokes out. he doesn’t need to hear this. he doesn’t need to relive any of this. not over some petty argument. he couldn’t cry. he wouldn’t. he’s made to much progress moving past this to let it hurt him again.

“i’m sorry baby, but i just don’t get why it took your dad dying and you getting fucking institutionalized for him to come back,” if he truly was sorry he would listen to jeno and shut up, jeno thinks, he wants to scream but he doesn’t, “he doesn’t deserve you.”

“we were teenagers mark and i’m not his responsibility.”

“jeno you almost died,” jeno startles at marks volume

“i know!” their voice raises against their will and cracks, “but i didnt! i’m here aren’t i? and without jaemin i probably wouldn’t be so can you fucking drop this?”

“sorry,” mark repeats, his face was contorted in a mix of pain and conflict.

“it’s fine,” they huff, “can you just let go of me.”

jeno pulls his hand back gently but mark doesn’t budge, “baby i don’t want you to go like this, not after a fight.”

jeno furrows his eyebrows “mark. let go.”

he has the strength to pull his hand away himself, but he didn’t see why he had to exert force when his partner should let his hand go when he states he wants to be let go.

mark grips his hand tighter and jeno’s heart rate picks up, he really doesn’t like this, he needs to go, “let go,” he whispers.

mark gives him a begging look, “…jeno.”

“let me go.”

“jeno. baby. come on.”

“LET GO OF ME,” he yanks his hand away as hard as he can since clearly mark didn’t want to respect his autonomy.

it happens so fast, they don’t have control of the swing of their arm as it hits marks desk sending a glass clattering against a wall and a pile of papers falling to the ground. the glass smashes, loud, but all jeno can hear is the sound of their own heart and the shriek of his voice.

mark startles, his eyes go wide, concern taking over every one of his senses. jeno feels sick to their stomach.

“i’m sorry,” he cries, “i’m didn’t mean to yell, i didnt, i didnt. i’m sorry. i’m sorry.”

“shhhh,” mark hushes, not knowing if it was okay to reach out to comfort his panicking partner, “it’s okay baby, it’s my fault. everything’s okay. try to breath.”

they can’t process marks words, they feel dizzy, everything is blurring and fuzzy and bad. everything is bad and loud and painful. they squeeze their eyes shut, it’s disorienting, they see the blinding glow of headlight and glasses smash inside of their skull. right the glass. they broke a glass.

“i’m sorry,” jeno repeats, frantically wiping the tears away from his eyes before he drops to the ground, scrambling to pick up the broken shards of glass.

“hey, hey, baby, stop. please,” mark pulls at his shoulders trying to get him away from the glass, he easily tell how out of it his partner was, not wanting to take any risks to his well-being, “don’t worry about it baby. get away from the glass, it’s okay. i’ll clean it up. it’s okay baby.”

jeno doesn’t stop trying to collect the tiny shard that litter the ground, and marks concern only grows as they lets out a loud, painful, sob that makes their chest and throat ache.

“it’s okay, it’s okay,” mark coos softly, running his hand through jeno’s hair attempting to smooth him, “you’re safe, everything’s okay, i promise.”

jeno nods but marks not sure they’re processing a word he’s saying. he tries again to pull them away from the glass but jeno shakes him off with a shaky, heaved, breath.

“can you breath for me baby?” mark tries so hard to keep calm and steady, wanting to pull jeno back but not wanting to make any sudden or firm movements that would panic jeno further, “can you do that for me please?”

jeno tries to form a sentence but it comes out in a loud panic noise. he feels like he’s suffocating, his vision slowly boxing itself in.

“i’m so-“ jeno tries to repeat but he speaks like he’s out of breath. he’s falling, every sound is distant and fuzzy like a messed up radio signal.

he can barely hear it as marks bedroom door is slammed open but his skin burns as he’s pulled into a suffocating, protective hug. it’s not mark, mark is knocked onto his ass beside them and he could feel himself being pulled in the opposite direction.

“jeno, jen, are you okay?” it’s underwater and distorted but they can tell it’s jaemin. they couldn’t wrap their head around why jaemin was there, what he was asking, nothing felt right, “did you get cut by any glass, let me see you.”

glass. the glass. the glass he shattered, after he yelled. he felt sick to his stomach knowing he caused enough of a commotion for jaemin to hear from the kitchen.

“jen, i need you to answer me, are you okay?” jeno cant seem to keep his attention on anything, he feels trapped deep in his mind watching everything with a delay. he nods.

“what the fuck did you do?” jaemin sounds so harsh and it makes their heart clench but the comment isn’t directed towards them.

“nothing,” mark sounds just as cold, “get out, i’ll fix it.”

“nothing?” jaemin’s voice rises, but to jeno its moving further away from him. he gasps for air, or maybe he just breaths, he can’t tell, everything is heavy.

he pushes himself away from jaemin, who seems to be rather preoccupied with arguing with mark and shakes as he stands to his feet, “i’m going-“ he tries to speak, “i’m gonna lie down.”

he stumbles to the bed and lays there, staring up at the ceiling, letting one more tear fall before everything stops. he’s spaced out and the argument booming in the room is nothing but muffled white noise.

they don’t know how long the screaming match lasts. they’re not really here anyways. they’re back home in their childhood bedroom and everything’s okay.

marks sighs when jaemin leaves, wanting toss another round of papers off of his desk but he doesn’t. jaemins parting warning, “be a better boyfriend before you aren’t a boyfriend at all,” repeats itself in his head.

he sits at the end of the bed, easing into the comfort as it says below him. he places his hand on jeno’s ankle.

“jeno?” he says softly and gets no response.

he sighs again and let’s himself fall back into his back, “can you come back to me, baby?”

no response.

he reaches up and delicately holds jeno’s hand, they lay like this for a few seconds and mark takes everything in, “baby, if you can hear me, squeeze my hand, please.”

mark waits a couple seconds. then 5. then 10. after 14 he feels a squeeze. it was light but it was enough to send a spark of relief down marks spine.

“i’m sorry for raising my voice,” mark takes a shaky breath, “and for not letting you go… and for what i said about jaemin. i know you love him- and he loves you, he does, i know that. it’s just sometimes i get so mad at him and- and-“

mark tries to clear his throat to make his voice stay sturdy, “i’m sorry.”

jeno doesn’t respond, but mark doesn’t expect them to. he lets go of their hand and pushes himself back up. he looks back at jeno as he gets off the bed to grab a spare blanket from his closest, knowing he wouldn’t be able to get the blanket on his bed out from under jeno easily.

he sits at the top of the bed beside jeno and fluffs the blanket out so it’s covering the both of them. gently, he takes jeno’s glasses off, doling them closed and reaches over jeno to place them on the the nightstand on jeno’s side.

mark snuggles under the blanket and into jeno, kissing his forehead, “i love you.”

no response.

mark bites back tears, not liking when jeno’s upset with him or when he’s the cause of jeno panicking enough to retreat into the safety of his mind.

jeno rolls over to face him and ducks his head into his chest.

mark closes his eyes and a couple of tears make it free, he lets himself relax next to jeno.

“i’m sorry,” mark whispers again.

“it’s okay,” jeno whispers back.

↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺

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