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harbingerwife · 12 days

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i see many a post about love languages; people detailing how they love and love and love. but i never see any posts of how people long to be loved; i think that ought to be changed.

i don’t think i care to be loved with words or to be treated as a muse. creation is a symbol of civility & i have never wished to be loved with such. my civility imprisons me and i think myself as a caged bird, held by bars of etiquette and reddened formality. i wish to be loved freely and without care; i wish to be loved vulnerably. i yearn to be loved like catharsis. i imagine myself not as bruised, but stabbed. the knife is still inside, and it pains me, but it’s one with me and it keeps me from bleeding. i wish to be loved & bandaged but first i crave the weapon’s cruel absence; foreign yet necessary. this is what i mean by catharsis. i wish to be allowed to bleed, to spray the holy white of a saviour’s clothes with my crimson. not with sin or filth but with a piercing affection and gratitude.

i wish not to be made an idol placed on a pedestal for my place is not as a muse and i do not wish to be regarded as one. i am not heaven and i am not in the sky. i am the earth and the sea and i am immense and i am volatile. i want a love with claws and teeth and tears and pleas. i want to be loved animalistically and overwhelmingly. i want a love that suffocates; drowning in sweet honey is drowning nonetheless. i wish for a love not fragrant of fresh flowers and fruit but of iron and burning wood. i crave an affection reminiscent not of the blinding rays of sunlight or the smell of old books, but of the comforting depth inside when i close my eyes, a depth that’s personal to me and myself alone, unseen by others, unknown by others.

i do not want to be loved through polite formalities or sweet nothings laced with an empty softness. i can only be loved through a scorching scarlet. grace me with the warmth of your arms and leave me alone not for a second, for i may crumble and disappear forevermore if left with no anchor to hold onto. if i am to be a caged bird than i’d rather my bars be the teeth of a wolf carrying its prey by the neck.

#something something love me like a stray mutt loves the slab of raw meat thrown by the butcher.#or whatever.#⚖️#whenever i listen to deftones too hard i start fighting demons (the urge to use tumblr as the notes app)#🗡️

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linagram · 1 year

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[ 𝚢𝚞𝚛𝚒𝚔𝚊'𝚜 𝚝𝟷 𝚟𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚖𝚊 ] 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚝 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝚒 𝚞𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎

.. so i wanted to say that this vd will most likely be something like a break from kei and asahi's vds, but.. no, this is still a dark one.

yurika is such an interesting character to me honestly, because it's like.. sometimes i forget that she exists because of how "normal" she is compared to most prisoners, but when i actually start thinking about her and her crime.. wow, this girl is just as insane as everyone in this prison! maybe she's actually worse than some of them!

(warnings for mentions of stalking and implications of harassment)

(divider link)

(sounds of footsteps)

Eiji: .. Can you explain what happened earlier?

Miki: .. N-no, I don't think I can.

Eiji: Sure, maybe the kid was just being weird, but..

Eiji: What if you two really are-

Miki: We can't be related! It's simply not possible!

Eiji: But it makes sense, doesn't it? I have to judge my own brother, of course, they would make the second guard do the same.

Miki: But.. it's really not possible for me and Yano-san to be siblings..

Miki: Because, um.. he said that I have the same eyes as his "real" mother, right?

Miki: My eye color is the same as my mother's, but she just.. can't be Yano-san's mother.

Eiji: Why though?

Miki: W-well..

Miki: I.. I did have a younger brother and he had disappeared a long time ago, but if Yano-san really is my lost brother..

Miki: .. I feel sorry for him.

Eiji: Was your mother.. also a bad person?

Miki: I can't say she was a perfect mother, but that's not the only reason.

Miki: .. My mother died right after giving birth to my younger brother.

Miki: And that means.. Yano-san would never be able to meet her.

Miki: So if we really are related, it means that Yano-san doesn't even know what his real mother looks like! If he actually remembers me, he's probably just assuming his real mother looked just like his older sister!

Eiji: ...

Eiji: I don't know if I should say that I'm sorry for your loss, considering that she wasn't the "perfect mother".

Eiji: That can mean anything from "she had her flaws, but she still was a good person" to "she was the most heartless person you could ever imagine". And knowing you and how much you like to forgive people no matter what they do, it's probably the latter.

Miki: Even if she wasn't the best mother, I'm definitely the worst older sister.

Miki: I just won't be able to look Yano-san in the eyes after this.

Eiji: The fact that you still care about him shows that you're not as bad as you think.

Eiji: Okay, it's time to interrogate the eighth prisoner. Are you ready?

Eiji: If you're not feeling well, you can take a break.

Miki: .. Eiji-san, why are you so nice to me?

Eiji: Because even though I don't agree with what you say most of the time, you've showed me more support than anyone else ever did.

Eiji: It's only natural for me to do the same.

Miki: ...

Miki: I'm going with you.

Eiji: Glad to hear that.

(door opens)

Eiji: Hello, Prisoner 008.

Yurika: Ah, h-hello!

Yurika: Um, did I do something bad? You're not going to do anything scary to me, right?

Eiji: We're just interrogating everyone. But we might do something scary to you if you make us.

Eiji: So I hope you cooperate~

Yurika: Oh, okay, sure..

Eiji: "She's surprisingly easier to talk to than all the other prisoners."

Eiji: "I don't know if I should be happy about it though. That makes her so boring.."

Eiji: So, Prisoner 008, Maruyama Yurika. 21 years old, a university student and..

Eiji: .. A maid cafe worker?

Yurika: Haha, yeah, that's me!..

Yurika: God, it sounds so cringe when you say it.

Miki: Wait, you worked in a maid cafe, Maruyama-san?

Yurika: Yes, I was a waitress, so.. I was one of the maids, basically.

Miki: That sounds so fun! I'd love to see you in your uniform-

Miki: T-that sounded weird, didn't it?..

Yurika: Ah, don't worry, I'm used to it.

Yurika: Also, I mean, you can't be worse than.. uh, Kei-san.

Eiji: I remember him mentioning that you two don't get along. Is that true?

Yurika: Well, to be honest.. I don't like him that much. He reminds me of some customers I had to deal with in the past.

Yurika: Also, he has that "a character who flirts so often that it's actually creepy and not attractive, but fans forgive him anyway because he's so cute or at least that's what they think" vibe.

Yurika: .. Sorry about that.

Eiji: Did he do anything to you? You can always tell us in case something happens.

Eiji: "More reasons for me to punish him, yay!"

Yurika: No, thankfully. But sometimes I really wish he could just.. shut up or even forget about the fact that I exist.

Eiji: Listen, if I see any of you fighting, of course I will punish you for your behavior, but.. you really should fight back if he tries to hurt you. You have my full permission to do that.

Yurika: Ah, thank you, but I don't think Kei-san will try to do anything bad to me. He's scared of me, actually.

Miki: .. Scared? Kei-san thinks you're scary?

Yurika: I don't know, one day I just got really angry at him and I guess I looked at him in a certain way and after that..

Yurika: I can still hear him talking about my looks when he's with the other prisoners, but when he actually sees me, he just runs away.

Eiji: .. So you're saying that you're the only prisoner who Kei actually finds scary, haha..

Miki: Eiji-san, are you okay?

Miki: Your face is getting red again-

Eiji: A-anyway, about your crime.

Eiji: I wonder what kind of crime someone like you could commit. I bet that you're either the most dangerous prisoner here and you're just good at hiding it.. or you were just so stupid that you ended up accidentally killing someone.

Miki: I want to believe that Maruyama-san's crime was an accident. She just doesn't look like that type of person who could plan a murder and do it all on purpose.

Yurika: M-my crime..

Yurika: I.. had to do it.

Yurika: It was self-defense, I swear! I would never kill someone just for fun or anything like that!

Yurika: I had no other choice! It was either me or..

Eiji: Wait, wait, hold on. Can't you just explain what happened?

Yurika: .. You don't believe me?

Yurika: Am I that suspicious?

Eiji: You're a Milgram prisoner, of course you're suspicious.

Miki: Maruyama-san, if you tell us why you had to commit your crime, maybe we'll be able to forgive you!

Eiji: Maybe.

Yurika: .. Fine.

Yurika: So, uh.. I did mention those customers that Kei-san reminds me of, right?

Yurika: You see, considering my job and how popular I was, of course, a lot of people would end up loving me a bit.. too much.

Eiji: I think I know where this is going.

Yurika: So.. Yeah, I had to deal with stalkers before.

Yurika: And I couldn't ask anyone for help because "Hey, you're still alive, so it means they're not dangerous"!

Yurika: Haha.. I wonder if they would say the same thing after seeing my corpse.

Yurika: And if they weren't stalkers, then they simply were.. too affectionate.

Yurika: Thankfully, my boss was always there to protect me. She was so nice to me..

Miki: Were you close with your boss?

Yurika: I want to believe I was. She always knew what to say to make me feel better and she was the only person I could actually be honest with.

Yurika: Ah, Eiko-san reminds me of her a lot! They have very similar personalities.

Eiji: .. So, are you trying to say that your victim also was your stalker?

Eiji: Or maybe they were one of those "affectionate" customers?

Yurika: Well, actually, I wouldn't say that they were my stalkers..

Yurika: But they knew a bit too much about me. And I didn't want them to know even more.

Yurika: I just wanted them to respect my privacy, that's all!

Miki: .. Stalkers?

Miki: Maruyama-san, are you trying to say that you've actually killed not just one, but multiple people?

Yurika: ...

Eiji: Oh, now this is getting interesting.

Eiji: Maybe you're not as innocent as you're trying to seem, Yu-

Yurika: Hey, I'm not sure what to call you, so I'll just go with Guard 002-san, is that okay?

Miki: Y-yeah, sure..

Yurika: Thank you. So, Guard 002-san..

Yurika: Don't you think that I was the real victim?

Yurika: Even if I did have multiple victims, so what? Think about everything I've told you. Can you imagine how hard it was for me? Don't you think people like that are so horrible that.. they actually deserve to die?

Miki: ...

Yurika: It's not fair. Everyone was so cruel to me, even my own parents who literally kicked me out and my coworkers only pretended to be my friends, but they actually didn't care about me at all.

Yurika: *starts crying* Nobody understands me! Even you don't understand me, even though you try so hard to make it seem like you're the "good" guard!

Miki: But I-

Yurika: Oh, look at her, she's so nice! She's so special, she's so much better than that other guard! She actually wants to save us and help us leave this place!

Yurika: But I bet you wouldn't even try to help me if you knew what I had to go through! You would say the same exact thing.

Yurika: "If you're still alive, it means things aren't as bad as you think".

Yurika: I didn't know that you were that type of person who likes to blame the victim-

(Eiji slaps Yurika)

Yurika: ...

Yurika: What?..

Eiji: So you're actually just like all the other prisoners.

Eiji: Hehe.. you're not as boring as I thought you are.

Eiji: Look, I agree that dealing with stalkers sounds.. bad.

Eiji: But it doesn't mean that you automatically get an excuse for every single thing you do if you had a tragic past.

Eiji: And you better be grateful to the second guard for trying to help you, because she is the kindest person in this whole prison and I have no idea how she manages to see good in everyone, but I'm honored to work with her.

Miki: !

Miki: Eiji-san..

Yurika: .. Haha..

Yurika: But Guard-san.. Do you really think that you being a guard is a good excuse for treating me like this?

Eiji: I told you that we might do something scary to you. Trust me, this is nothing compared to the punishments I came up with for other prisoners in case they get voted guilty-

Eiji: No, they're definitely getting voted guilty.

(bell rings, machinery sounds)

Eiji: Oh, time's up.

Eiji: Well, let's see how truly innocent you are.

Eiji: And if your video shows that you actually were fine and you made up this whole story to make us feel sorry for you..

Eiji: I will never forgive you.

Yurika: .. I just thought that I deserve better than this.

Yurika: No, I do deserve better than this! I want to go back to the life I had before all of this happened!

Miki: By "this" do you mean the fact that you're in Milgram now?..

Yurika: No. Though obviously I'm not happy about being a prisoner.

Yurika: I just.. I want to go back to those simpler times.

Yurika: I wish I didn't have to grow up.

Eiji: Prisoner 008, Yurika, sing your sins!

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#.. you know i thought that she will most likely get like a 100% inno vote or 70-80% but #i'm not so sure anymore haha..#listen i won't be surprised if she gets voted inno and asahi gets voted guilty BUT IT WOULD BE SO FUNNY IF THEY GET THE OPPOSITE VERDICTS #but i'm not giving you ideas or anything like that! please ignore my ramblings and judge them in any way you want #i love eiji so much though. this guy can go from “haha.. girls cute.. 😳😳” to “hey what if i killed you right here and right now”#in like one minute #HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH MIKI IS SO CUTE BUT ALSO. i think i know how to make their relationship more toxic.#🎤 voice dramas! 🎤#🗡️guard 001: sanada eiji 🗡️#🌼guard 002: andou miki 🌼#🎀prisoner 008: maruyama yurika 🎀#milgram #milgram oc #milgram project

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