#''haha yeah i just need to get through this week'' i say for the 12th week in a row

[end-of--the-line]

.

#rotting clementines #stood out in the cold for a solid hour in shorts nd a tshirt to come back from a derealisation episode again dont look at me #good news my sense of existence is almost restored i know who and where i am now #bad news i cant feel my fucking arms #''haha yeah i just need to get through this week'' i say for the 12th week in a row #please do not ask if im ok im not 👍 #i stg if i dissociate this bad one more fuckign time this week i will unironically do something so stupid even god will wonder why i exist

[cotncandyboifics]

1989 [High School AU]: Chapter 3

AO3 Link

Masterpost

Chapter 1 ~ Chapter 2 ~ Chapter 4 ~ Chapter 5 ~ Chapter 6 ~ Chapter 7 ~ Chapter 8 ~ Chapter 9 ~

Pairings: slight Logince, eventual Prinxiety & Logicality

Word count: 1,983

Story summary: Roman Prince is your stereotypical Jock, with everyone swooning after him. Every day a crowd of people follow him around, only to disperse at his personal whim. In reality, he's lucky to have such good acting skills that help him cover up the disdain he has for his life. He only wishes he could use his skills properly.

Patton Whitelock's always there to lend a helping hand, no matter who you are. If you need a favor or just need someone to talk to, go to him. In reality, he's been taught from a young age that kindness should be held above all else. No one suspects that he took it the wrong way.

Logan Montgomery is the smartest boy in the Senior class. He's stern, and most people are too intimidated to speak to him. In reality, he despises most all of his fellow students. He sticks to his studies and doesn't stray, for fear of being stuck in his father's shadow his whole life.

Virgil Black is the most emo kid in school, let alone 12th grade; everyone knows to leave him be. In reality, he's very fortunate. He has two parents who love him dearly. But everything beyond his life, everything within his mind, is utter chaos and turmoil.

what will happen when they're assigned a biology project together?

General CW: food, swearing, implied s-lf h-rm, non-graphic descriptions of s-lf h-rm scars, graphic and non-graphic descriptions of anxiety attacks and panic attacks, drug abuse, minor character intoxicated on heroin, non-graphic drug overdose description, sickness/description of sickness, blood, non-graphic descriptions of needles, (will be added to as I write more)

Chapter CW: implied anxiety attack, (let me know if i missed anything please!)

Author notes: <none>

...

The four boys were in Roman's room; Virgil sprawled across the bed lazily, Patton and Logan observing Roman's pet turtle, and Roman taking out the Cress plants and setting them on the window sill by his desk.

"soooooooo adorable!!" Patton yelped. he was naturally very enthusiastic, but seemed to be putting a little extra umph into it now.

Logan smiled over at him. "Quite. This is a Trachemys Scripta Elegans, also known as the red-eared pond slider. These are among the most common species of pet turtles. Although, despite their prevalence, they are indeed 'adorable.'" Upon finishing his analysis, Logan looked back to Patton, who had been watching intently as Logan explained. Patton felt a light blush rise to his cheeks, looking away from Logan.

"H-how do you know so much about turtles?" Patton said quietly.

"Well, when I was young, I really wanted a pet turtle. My mother, well, she supported it, but my dad... well, they came to a compromise, that if I did my research and took care of it on my own, that I could have a pet turtle."

"...And? Did you end up getting one?" Patton asked, his face showing plainly how emotionally invested in this story he'd become.

"Yes. His name was Star, I had him for a total of two years and three months." Logan said shortly.

"Why only two years? What happened?" Patton said. "I thought turtles lived for a long time?"

"They do, but Star was already 46. I got him from a rescue center; he had been left in an aquarium on the side of the road. I knew before committing to keeping him that he wouldn't last too much longer." Logan reminisced, but only for a moment. "Anyway, that was years ago." He said shortly, turning away from Patton.

Just at that moment, Roman turned around and cleared his throat. "If I could have everyone's undivided attention," he side-eyed Virgil aggressively, who just smirked and seemed to relax more into Roman's bed. "ugh, typical. will you please come and join the conversation, Hot Topic?" he pressed.

"Aww, you think I'm hot." Virgil teased back as he sat up. Roman's eyes went wide, his cheeks darkening. But before Virgil could notice, Patton diverted the conversation.

"What's the plan, Roman? Logan?" Patton looked between the two of them, and they looked at each other. They both went to speak at the same time, interrupting each other. While Roman chuckled at the situation, Logan took the opportunity to speak first.

"Well, I assume that you don't have any fertilizer Roman, so we'll-"

"Actually, I had my dad pick some up on his way home from work! He bought two very different brands- one mainstream and one... liberal. I'll go grab those, and some plant pots." Roman interjected, and then pranced off out of his room to collect said items, leaving the three others alone in the room.

Immediately, Virgil got up from the bed, and bent down to check under the bed, rummaging around.

"What are you doing, Virgil?" Logan asked, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose again.

"Yeah, isn't that including on Roman's privacy?" Patton said, sounding a bit concerned.

"I believe the word you mean to use is 'intruding,' Patton, and the correct wording would be 'intruding upon,'" Logan corrected.

"Oh, sorry, 'intruding upon.' Thanks, Lo!" Patton said, smiling brightly. Logan felt his cheeks heat up, and smiled softly back to him.

"Well, if you must know," Virgil grunted, getting up from his crouching position on the floor and moving to examine Roman's bedside table, "I'm looking for his stash."

Logan and Patton shared a confused look. "what do you mean 'his stash?'" Patton asked, somehow looking more confused.

Virgil was now making his way into Roman's closet. "Whatever that means for Roman, I guess. the stuff he hides from his parents. Drugs, porn, you know. something juicy." Virgil clarified. Patton winced at the p word.

"Virgil! Not only is that - intruding upon - his privacy, but that's downright disrespectful! you stop that right now!" As Patton finished speaking, Virgil emerged from the closet empty handed.

"Well, either way, I just checked all the classic spots. nothing to write home about. Guess I'll have to up my searching game for next week." He teased Patton, who whimpered. Virgil plopped back onto the bed, and Logan was about to ask why Virgil would need to write a letter to his parents when he'd be returning home far before a letter would arrive. But, his opening mouth was cut off, as Roman returned with two small flat pots, both already consisting of two different looking types of fertilizer.

"It's amazing, the differences between these," Roman said, presenting the pots to his teammates. Patton leaned in, and Roman made a good point. One pot had grayer dirt, and much fewer flecks of minerals and nutrients, and the other looked rich with life - Patton half expected a worm to emerge from it.

Logan walked over to the sill where Roman had put the plants, setting them down on the empty section of the desk. Roman brought over the pots, and Logan pulled the Garden Cress plants out of their temporary plastic pots, placing them gently in their respective pots. While he did this, Roman stepped behind him and put his arms around Logan's waist, and growled lightly into his ear. Virgil scowled in their general direction, and Patton's face fell.

Through his blush, Logan cleared his throat. "Roman, that is inappropriate behavior, and frankly I'm not comfortable with it. Our relationship is currently strictly professional." His voice was a little unsteady and cracked once, but he kept himself composed for the most part.

Roman considered continuing to tease him, but decided to take a nobler, grander route. "Fine," He began, releasing Logan from their intimate embrace, "I'll leave you be today, but on one condition. Logan Montgomery, will you go on a date with me?"

Everyone in the room was shocked into silence, even Roman. He was surprised at his own confidence, but he just rolled with it, as he usually did. Virgil's scowl just worsened, and he quietly said he had to use the restroom, leaving with hardly a sound. Patton just looked horrified, all the color having drained from his face. But no one was looking at him.

Logan turned around slowly, looking Roman in the eyes, half expecting him to have some silly grin on his face and say "haha, just kidding! Man, I really had you there!" or something of the like. But Roman just returned his gaze confidently, a small smile tracing his face.

"...You're serious?" Logan said after a long moment. Patton was praying that he wasn't.

"deadly," Said Roman, his smile widening slightly.

Logan thought for a long moment. "...w-well, I'm not sure that's appropriate, consid-"

"Come on, just one date. That's all." Roman pleaded.

"And what of your reputation? Won't people be jealous? What if someone does someth-"

"I promise, I'll keep my... fans... from messing with you, if that's your biggest worry. Please, please please?" Roman pressed.

"...A-and I'm not sure my parents would approve. They've never allowed me to be involved with anyone romantically before, so-"

"I'm sure they'll be more understanding this time around! Or, better yet, just don't tell them!" Roman countered. He had a glint of determination in his eyes, and Logan knew he wasn't going to back down. He spent a long moment trying to think of some conflicting factor, but he couldn't come up with a thing. He also considered simply telling him he wasn't interested, but that would be a lie. Despite his better nature, Roman did capture his attention.

And so, with a somewhat defeated tone, Logan sighed and pushed his glasses up again. "Fine. One date. But that is all. I wouldn't plan on-" Logan tried to be stern, but Roman was pumping his fists in the air excitedly.

"yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!!!! Woohoo!!!!!!! Be prepared for the most romantic and fantastical evening of your life, my Iron Giant Nerd!! How's Thursday sound?"

"That is... adequate," Logan responded, not knowing what else to say.

"Excellent! Just give me one moment." Roman pulled out his phone, and from what Logan could see, he was looking something up. "...Okay! Perfect. I'll pick you up at from your house at, say, 7?"

"okay. I'll text you the address beforehand." Logan said shortly. He then set the pots on the windowsill, assuring that they were receiving equal amounts of light. "Alright, I'm going to go wash my hands in the kitchen and get some water for our specimens. Roman, the kitchen is the first left down the hall, correct?" Roman nodded, and Logan left swiftly. Roman just punched the air a few more times, and then fell back on his bed with a plop.

Patton was sitting on the edge of the bed, fiddling with the ring on his right middle finger. Don't let it show.

He turned to address Roman, a smile gracing his face that few people would know was forced. "Congratulations on your first date, Roman! You guys make an adorable couple. I wish you a successful relationship!" He said.

Roman sat up and eyed him. "Really? I mean, from the way you and Logan were talking, I would've guessed you have a crush on-"

"Nope!" Patton said shortly, smiling more intensely. "I like Logan a lot as a friend, but I'm so glad he has you now! Well, hopefully. We'll see after your first date! What do you think, will he want to go on another one?" Patton waggled his eyebrows.

Roman delved back into his self-centered world once again, considering Patton's query. "Well, I certainly hope so. I'm quite... attracted to Logan, so hopefully we connect on an emotional and mental level as well. If I play my cards right, I think he'll fall for me." Roman idly speculated, smiling at Patton.

"I'm sure! I mean, you are such a charmer, from what I've seen. I-I mean no disrespect! I don't mean like that. I mean you have an inmate skill for attracting people! I think you have a shot." As Patton finished, Logan returned with clean hands and a spray bottle, walking over to the plants in the sill.

"Once again Patton, the word you mean to use is 'innate.' Don't worry, you'll get there." Logan assured, spritzing each plant exactly five times. "Roman, since you'll be the primary parent of these plants, i beg you, please don't falter in consistently watering them. five spritzes each, every day, preferably when you get home from school. If you don't have confidence in your commitment to this, as I don't, I suggest setting a reminder on your phone." Logan turned to Roman, watching expectantly for him to pull out his phone.

"Oh calm down, calculator watch. I have complete 'confidence in my commitment,' thank you very much," Roman said, earning a grimace from Logan, who then turned away and pulled out his own phone. Once Logan's attention was diverted, Roman did in fact pull out his phone and set a reminder for watering the cress.

Just as he was slipping his phone back into his pocket, Roman felt it buzz. "There's my address. Now, I'm going to call my parental units. I must be getting home, as I have work to do. For now, none of you should worry about the report itself, I'll be writing up a draft tonight and sharing it with each of you. Excuse me." And with that, Logan left the room once again to call his father, leaving Roman and Patton in silence.

Suddenly, Roman thought of something. "Hey, where's Virgil? Count Woe-laf may not be the best company, but it seems he's been absent for an excessive amount of time."

Patton didn't say anything as he listened to Roman, his thoughts quickly beginning to race. He's right. When did Virgil leave? Oh, when Roman first asked Logan. Oh, no... he wouldn't have been gone this long, unless-

Patton stood abruptly. "Wait here. I'll be right back." He said quickly, rushing out the door, leaving Roman to speculate.

#sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #thomas sanders #virgil sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #ts patton #ts roman #ts logan #ts virgil #prinxiety #logicality #logan x patton #roman x virgil #high school au #slow burn

[dungeon-dweller]

Title: Tuesday

Warnings: none

Category: fluff fluff fluff

Edited: no (point out typos/grammar mistakes pls)

{Imagine basement gee visiting the comic book shop you work at, and once he sees you he becomes smitten and comes back every week to see you}

Hey guys so this is my first fic on here so pls take it easy on me haha im sensitive. I am new to this so idk if I did the formatting right so bare with me. Also I originally uploaded this on my wattpad and decided to upload it on here too. Enjoy :)

ps if anyone has a better quality version of this pic plssss let me know!

•••••

The morning of Tuesday, October 12th started out as any other Tuesday would for y/n: she woke up at noon, got dressed, watched tv, and ate a small breakfast–if you could call it that, considering it's now noon–and finished just in time to make it to work.

Y/n had started at Sean's Comic Book Emporium during high school and had been working there ever since. Y/n liked it well enough. It was usually pretty quiet, her co workers were friendly, the customers were civil, and she also happened to love books, so really it was a perfect fit for her.

    Work was normal that day. She faced the shelves, rang up some customers, and even helped an old lady find a birthday gift for her grandson. It was almost y/n's break too, when an eccentric looking man with dark hair and pale skin walked through the door.

    He glanced quickly at y/n and offered a small smile before disappearing down an isle. Y/n went back to facing the shelves, an attempt to distract herself from the handsome stranger. It was futile though, because not even five minutes later she say him head towards her. He seemed shy as he walked up to y/n, "Excuse me, but uh, can you tell where I could find the new issue of Doom Patrol?" He asked nervously.

    Truth be told, the man new exactly where to look, it was his favorite comic after all and it was always in the same spot every week. He just wanted an excuse to talk to the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. She smiled, "Yeah, should be in third isle, first thing on your left, can't miss it." He nodded a quick thanks and slowly headed that way, searching up and down the isle, with no luck of finding the comic. She had to admit he was rather cute, especially with such a determined look on his face.

    As she walked up to him she couldn't help but giggle out, "Need any help?" as she grabbed the new issue for him. "Oh, um, thank you so much, uh..." his face turning a light shade of pink. "Y/n. I'm y/n. And you're very welcome..." she smiled. "Uh, Gerard. But you could call me Gee if you want, or not. Or anything else really" he rambled on earnings big smile out of y/n. "It's nice to meet you y/n." She felt all giddy inside. "It's nice to meet you too, Gee." She rang him up and before they knew it he was on his way. But not before he called out, "See ya around y/n!"

•••••

    Six Tuesdays. That's how long it took Gerard to confess his feelings for you. Six Tuesdays full of his awkward attempts at flirting. Six Tuesdays full of secret side glances, inside jokes, and butterflies whenever your skin touched his. He would come in once a week, always on a Tuesday, to "Get a new comic book" and to see you, although there were some weeks he had left empty handed.

    Last Tuesday he confessed his feelings for you and even asked you out on a date. Nothing too fancy, just to see the newest DC movie and get some ice cream. You were excited to say the least, but had no idea what to wear. Up until now Gerard had just seen you in your work clothes so you guessed anything was an improvement honestly. You decided on your go-to going out outfit. It was comfortable, cute, and stylish so you couldn't go wrong.

    By the time 6 o'clock rolled around you heard a soft knock on the door and opened it to find a nervous, yet eager look Gerard. The drive to the movie theater was slightly awkward, but you didn't mind. You were pleased to hear your favorite band playing softly on his radio on the way there.

    The movie itself was okay, nothing special really. But Gerard seemed to love it and wouldn't shut up about it on the way to the ice cream parlor. You didn't mind though because he looked so damn adorable. He stopped mid sentence, "I-I'm what?" You were mortified. Did I really just say that out loud?! You thought to yourself. Wow way to go y/n! "You think I'm c-cute? Really?" he stuttered, a blush forming on his cheeks.

    Although it was nothing compared to the tomato red that was now your face. "I umm, yeah, I do. I think you're really cute actually." you weren't really sure were you were getting this new found confidence. Gerard grinned the bigger than you thought possible, "Good, because I think you're pretty damn cute yourself, y/n." You laughed and he joined in a second later.

    After the laughter died down Gerard looked down at you lips but quickly back up to yours eyes. You smile that beautiful smile of yours and he just can't resist it any longer. Before you can even process it, his lips briefly connect with yours before he starts to pull away, but before he gets the chance you pull him back in. The kiss was sweet and gentle but quickly turned into something more, leaving you both breathless and smiling like idiots as you pull away.

    Gerard smirks "So how about that ice cream now, sugar?"

#gerard way #gerard way x reader #mcr gerard #gerard way imagine #fluff #mcr

[infinitestarsintheskye]

The Lady and the Chauffeur Name Thing

So at the end of my LAST installment of my FS Downton Abbey AU, Christmas at the Abbey, I promised that if ONE person wanted an explanation of the many new names that popped up I would write it. Well many weeks ago now the lovely @valentinaonthemoon asked for such a list, and I am a woman of my word, even if I completely forgot about and only remembered about it just now. I’m going to pop it under a read more bc it is going to get LONG  and also contain ALL OF THE SPOILERS for that series. 

OKAY SO

We’ll do this in birth order I think. Nicknames are in () 

Eilidh May FitzSimmons, born December 12th 1919 - The first of the many babies!! As many of you will know if you have been following me for a while, Eilidh May was, pre-finale of course, my utter ride or die name for baby girl Fitzsimmons. I think I have like three or four fics with this particular name in it, I loved it so much. Eilidh is the Scottish variation of Helen, and means sun-ray, which ugh wouldn’t that just be so perfect for a little FitzSimmons baby. I was just utterly in love with the idea of FS giving their baby a Scottish name (as you will see in the NEXT FS baby) and the fact that this had a space/star/sun/celestial twist to it just absolutely SOLD IT for me. I should add, for all my non-scottish followers that Eilidh is pronounced Ay-Lee. I have no idea how gaelic pronunciation works, I just know how to say it.  Her middle name, May, doesn’t need much explanation. I just loved the idea of them giving their little girl a middle name after someone on the team. 

George (Georgie) Lincoln Campbell, born 2nd October 1921 - Okay ngl, I got real lazy with this name. Mary and Matthew’s (who Daisy and Lincoln were in the place of in this fic) son was also named George, and I liked it, I thought it would be cute if he was called Georgie, as a bit of a variation. His middle name comes from his father, obvi, who, in keeping with BOTH canons (the noise I made when I figured out I could do that I swear. I’m so sorry Lincoln it was just far too good an opportunity to pass up), I killed off on the day he was born. My apologies. 

Hamish Phillip FitzSimmons, born 6th January 1922 - Oh this name. A lot of people REALLY don’t like this name, which is fine. As I said with Eilidh, I was really on a kick of giving FS babies Scottish names. I originally dismissed Hamish, and it just wouldn’t leave me alone, and just utterly grew on me. I actually went to school with a Hamish, he was a fair few years below me and he was just the tiniest, most adorable little toot! From what I can gather, Hamish is an anglicised version of Seamus or Seumus, which is the gaelic version of James, which is a very long and roundabout way of honouring Fitz’s middle name, but I still love having that connection. The middle name, Phillip, again, this name was a love of mine before this fic came about and it just seemed so natural to me that they would name their son after Coulson, and there was just no other name I liked so much with Hamish 

 Kathleen (Kathy) Skye FitzSimmons, born 30th May 1925 - I have no really grand explanation for this name, other than Kathleen is a special name to me, and I love using it in stories. It fit in well I thought with the 1920′s style of naming (yes I did that extensive googling) and as I say it is a very dear name to me and FitzSimmons are deserving of it. Skye, again, I’m just going through the checklist of names from the team. This was in NO WAY  a narcissistic naming, I promise, I just really think they’d give their child that as a middle name, as also this was my way of slipping a lil bit of Scottish into her name too. Just a smidge :)

 Hazel June Sousa, born 14th October 1926 - Oh Hazel. Hazel is just a name I really love. It is also the name of a dear friend of mine who I don’t get to see very often, and I just love it. Honestly I was just trying to find names that worked with the last name Sousa and Hazel just popped into my head. Again it works with 1920′s naming trends, (again with the googling) and yeah I just really love it. The middle name June comes from the fact that in this fic, Daisy and Sousa get married in the month of June. I thought that was a nice way of honouring their relationship, through their daughters name :)

Finley (Flint) Alphonso Mackenzie, born 28th May 1927 - So Mack and Elena adopting Flint is basically canon isn’t it??!?!? He is their son I will have no arguments. SO finding a name that Flint would work for as a nickname, bc lets be real no one was naming their child Flint in 1926, I had to find a roundabout way, was NOT EASY. I still have no idea how Flint could come from Finley, but it is close enough to make sense. By the time I got to Flint I had already named five children and was getting a bit lazy, and so his middle name is just the same as his fathers first name, which is still a very common middle name tactic. 

Emily Lorna FitzSimmons, born 12th October 1927 - Again, by the time I got to poor little Emily, I had named six children already. Emily I just like. Every Emily I have ever met has honestly been the nicest and sweetest person I have ever known. It has a good track record for me and it just sounds so nice with Fitzsimmons. Lorna, Lorna comes from my own personal headcanon for Fitz’s mum’s name, and so I think that’s where Lorna comes from, as a way of honouring Fitz’s mum.  It is also believed to derive from the name of the Scottish town Lorne, so snuck another bit of Scotland into baby FitzSimmons’s name :) 

Arthur (Archie) James FitzSimmons, born 14th August 1929 - If you all cast your minds back, at the very start of the Lady and the Chauffeur, I named Jemma’s dad, Lord Shieldshire, Arthur Simmons. So this was my way of honouring dear old Donk, but they call him Archie, just so he’s his own wee man. James, again, got a bit lazy, same middle name as Fitz. Also v Scottish name, we are 5/5 for Scottish baby FitzSimmons :)

Eve Margaret Sousa, born December 24th 1929 - Eve, well, she was born on Christmas Eve. I cast around for ages trying to find Christmasy names. She was Robyn for a little while, I considered Noel, but that felt a little too contemporary, so she was Eve! And yes, Margaret is my little wink to Agent Carter. I couldn’t help myself. 

Violet Faith Mackenzie, born 6th April 1930 - I actually had a lot of fun finding this name. I briefly considered calling her Hope, but no, that felt a little too on the nose for me. The name Violet comes from obviously the little purple flower, but the flower itself means hope, which I liked. Out of the three surnames, I feel like Mackenzie is the easiest out of all of them to find names for, (maybe it’s because I’m Scottish and know a fair few people with that Mac/Mc sound at the start of their surname) and I played around with a few possibilities, but honestly I just fell in love with Violet. Faith comes from the fact that faith is very important to both Mack and Elena and I wanted to consider that and honour that in the naming of their little girl. 

 Edward (Teddy) Donald FitzSimmons, born December 1st 1932 - The last (for real this time) little FitzSimmons baby of this verse. Blame Fitz being forever broody and Jemma just loving their babies so much, and also being an easy burst when it comes to Fitz and their babies. This name, boy oh boy, this name was HARD. Girls names for FitzSimmons babies, for some reason, easy as pie for me, I have a list as long as my arm of girls names I love for them. As for boys names, Hamish is the only one that has really stuck long term for me. All of the names I found for this poor wee boy that I liked were just a bit too modern, so I had to go searching again. I saw Edward, realised it could be shortened to Teddy and fell in LOVE. Only in this verse would I really get away with calling a baby Teddy so I took the chance and ran with it, and now little dark haired blue eyed Teddy FitzSimmons runs around rent free in my brain. His middle name, is not really obvious why I chose it at first glance. Again I struggled. I couldn’t really find any more Scottish names that I liked, or at least ones that i could give poor Simmons a fighting chance of pronouncing properly (Lachlan is still on my list and I have NEVER heard anyone not Scottish pronounce that first syllable properly). So Scottish was out, and so I went to my next mainstain of family names. And Deke or Enoch were the only two male names I hadn’t touched. Enoch was going to be impossible to find a link (trust me I tried) but DEKE, comes from a common nickname for Donald. So Donald he was. 

I hope you enjoyed this little (haha) list! I just love putting thought and meaning into names, and this kind of gives you a little glimpse into my naming process. Yes I know I will be a nightmare if I ever have children. That is a whole SEPARATE and ever changing and evolving list. 

#skye rambles #fitzsimmons #skye writes #the lady and the chauffeur #Christmas at the Abbey #tlatc #cata

[ainchase]

El Star Maze Fan Meetup Translation

Warning: It’s 51 min long -  translation start from 4:40

Raven: One, two, three MAZE: "No way out!" We're MAZE! Host: Aren't their outfit and concept just a fantastic combo? Wow, they're so cool! First of all, please tell us how you feel about meeting your fans for the first time! Raven: Hi, I'm Raven, leader and the dancer of MAZE. Thanks for coming all the way here on such a hot day. Ciel: Hi, I'm the rapper of MAZE. I'm so touched that so many of you showed up today. I'll try my best so you guys can have a great time. Ain: Hi, everyone. Remember my name? Yes, I'm Ain. Thank you for keeping your promise. I'll be together in your time today. 

T/L note: insert Ain's anime reference here

Host: I thought some of you were going to faint from Ain making a cheeky(?) comment there. Anyway, so many of you, our MIA are here today. MAZE is the first one to have their fan name decided, and this is our first fan meeting. Can you tell us why it's named MIA?

T/L note: “Mia” 미아 means "lost child" in Korean

Raven: MIA is the name of our fan club. Ain: It's from the name of our group, MAZE. It means that they are lost in us... MAZE. Raven: There were other good candidates for the name of the fan club, so it was really tough to choose. Ciel: But after seeing our fans were volunteering to become "lost children" for us, it made us like the name even more. Ain: Mr. Leader said he likes the name because he could feel the conviction from our fans. Raven: Uh.. yeah, that too, but it was a good opportunity for me to make my own conviction as well... that I should work harder for the fans that have become lost children for us. Ain: Hmmm, since our name means a literal maze... shouldn't we make them get lost even more? Raven: Uh... that's a little... Ciel: Hahaha... The maze our fans will get lost in will be the safest maze in the world, so don't worry. Ciel: Besides, we'll come find you no matter what. Raven: -Ehem- Uh... yeah. Host: Uh... MAZE saying that they'll be the safest maze for their MIA sounds so sweet. How about you guys? Host: As some of you already know from attending other ELSTAR meetups, but we're about to move on to the most anticipated moment of the event. We'll see how much love our idols can show our fans. Then, MAZE, please show your fans how much you love them! Raven: -Ehem- Uh, we learned something for today's special occasion. Everyone, I... I... Ain: -makes the heart sign with his fingers- Raven: I... I congratulate you for coming all the way here with your life still attached. Ciel: Geesh... Okay, Ciel will do something special. It's a little old-fashioned but I felt that this works the best for me. I look forward to your support, everyone! Ain: That... makes you look a bit old. Hmm, I heard humans show their affection this way nowadays. I learned it with Mr. Leader for today. How's this? I'll use both my hands. Host: Wow... Our MIA's are totally floored. Now, it's your turn, everyone! Show them how much you love them! Host: Let's talk about their debut single! It hasn't been released yet so I'm guessing a lot of you are very curious! for Mega Cake, the song was released before the event so everyone was able to cheer during the song and all, but the song is still shrouded in veil! Please let us know when the song will be released! Raven: Hmm, it's tomorrow. August 5th. Ain: That's right. I heard you will be able to listen to it from various streaming sites. Ciel: Whoa, I can't wait! I'd appreciate it if you guys can give it a listen. Host: Our MIA's can't wait! Everyone is curious about the song. Tell us more about it. Raven: The song is called 말야 ("you know"), "Reset" Ciel: It'll be a totally different song from TrinityACE and Mega Cake, but I think the song fits well with our image. Ain: Yes, it's powerful, but at the same time, like me, it's... Ciel: ...wut. Ain: It's very emotional. Host: Strong and emotional? I wonder what the song is like. Now let's take a look at the FIRST part of their music video! Host: The full version will be released on August 12th on Elsword's YouTube! So please look forward to it! Host: Are you ready? x3 Host: Please cheer on! Host: How was that, everyone? Host: I think the MAZE is so shocked by your response that they can't even speak! Ain: ...I'm just really tired from coming back from all that dancing. Raven: Uh... Thank you for liking it so passionately. Ciel: We did our best for our MIA's. How was it? I wanted to... -gets interrupted- Yes, yes, I wanted to show you a lot more, but it's too bad. Ain: But you can watch the full version next week. You'll wait until then, won't you? Thank you~ Host: I love their black outfit, but their white ones from their MV were good too. Don't you think so? Thank you for liking them. Now, let's talk about the song. Host: Apparently in the lyric, there is a part that says "even if I am born again, I'll come find you." Host: Also the part where they say they'll always remember the one they love was really touching. What do you think about the story, MAZE? Do the three of you also have someone important? Raven: Yes, you can say that I did... Ciel: -sigh- Raven... Seriously, what do you mean you "did"..? If you say it in a past tense, you make it hard for anyone to ask about it. Ciel: I also did have people who were precious to me. Of course, I do even now. Ain: I see, that's how it is for you two. Raven: Ain, you don't? Ain: Hmm, I don't know... I think our MIA's are important to me... Ain: ...is what I'm supposed to say as an idol, yes? Hahaha Ciel: You traitor... You wanted to worm your way out of this on your own! He sure knows how to be an idol... Host: Uh... yeah. Don't all of you want to be MAZE's important person? We want to hear your honest answers. Do you have the confidence to recognize the one you love even if you are reborn? Raven: That's a difficult question. I don't think... I can be that sure. But if there is a way to tell, then I'll do whatever it takes to make sure I can recognize them. Host: ooohhhhhh Ciel: I'm sure I can. Even if they're reborn and look different, I'm sure I will be able to tell. Ain: I'm sure you can, Mr. Rapper. There's no way there'd be two of such a d.... no, person. Ciel: -awkward laughter- Ain, you.... -angry- Raven: What about you, Ain? Ain: Hmm, well, I think it's a meaningless "what if" story. But if I had to give an answer, I feel like I will be able to tell. Ain: No matter the world we're reborn in, no matter what we look like, I'm sure I'll be able to tell if it's someone precious like our MIA's. Raven: So the two of you can be that sure, huh. Amazing. Ain: Amazing, isn't it? Ciel: lol Host: Okay, let's move on to the next question. It's a favorite question during fan meetups! What was the toughest thing you had to do during your preparation for the stage? Ciel: I'll tell you first. Hmm, let's see. Everyone was such fast learners, so it wasn't difficult during our practices. Raven choreographed the whole thing himself, as well as the movements and whatnot. Ain and I just had to follow his lead. Ain: Give him a round of applause. Ain: I said give him a round of applause. Ain: Yes, he's right. Mr. Leader worked out everything, but he also wasted no time in pointing out what we need to fix and improve on during practices. We got through the training really quickly thanks to that. Ain: Hmm, compared to other idol groups, it looked like we had spent less time practicing. Raven: It was all possible because everyone followed so well. Ciel: Thanks to that, I even had enough time to check on Lu although I was worried I won't have the time. it. It's all thanks to Raven. Ain: I heard it gets hectic after debut, but we had a relatively easier time thanks to Mr. Leader here. Ain: Right, Mr. Leader? Raven: I don't need a word of thanks from the two of you. It made me reflect on what makes a leader a leader. I... I think I have a lot to work on still. Ciel: Right, guys? I think you're the best leader, Raven. Ain: That's right. I agree. It can't be someone who's never around because they're taking care of someone else... Ciel: -awkward cough- Hey, I'm not the only one who disappears mysteriously from time to time. Ciel: But I agree that Raven is a perfect leader. Then majority rules... Raven is our leader forever! Ain: Haha, I guess it's decided then. Raven: Well, uh... I guess this is the toughest part of our preparation for the stage. Finding a way to improve things. Ciel: Geesh, just how much of a better leader are you trying to be? Ain: He's right. Host: Let's read the profiles of our MAZE! I'm sure you even memorized all of them! Host: Who should go first? Yes! Let's go with Raven first! Host: Let's see.. his favorite food is... different flavors of jerky? Raven: Yeah, we have a lot of different flavors nowadays, so it's fun trying them. Ciel: When we first met, he had a pile of jerky that I thought he was an alcoholic. Ciel: But after seeing him take out a bag of jerky anywhere anytime, I realized he just likes the jerky itself. Ain: What's your reason for only eating jerky even when we have a mountain of desserts in our house? Raven: It's not so much about the flavor, but I guess it's a habit from eating it so often since a long time ago. Host: Then... what's your favorite flavor now? Raven: Recently, I've been trying things like spicy, cheese, honey flavor... but I personally prefer tastes that have a good solid base. It tastes good every time I chew on them. Ain: Hmm, Mr. Rapper, do you know how to make jerky too? Ciel: Uh, yes, but... it takes too much effort to make them. I just wish he'll eat all the cookies and desserts. Why do you ask? Ain: I thought it'd be a better idea to make something each other can enjoy if you're going to cook. Raven: Hmm, but there's a website where I buy my jerky from, so it doesn't matter. Ain: Hahaha, okay. I'll just eat whatever I get then. Host: Can we know where this website is? Haha. Okay, maybe this is one of the most often asked questions, especially if you're a fan of Raven. Raven always has bandages on his left hand. Everyone's worried that you got injured. Can you tell us why you have it wrapped in bandages? Raven: Ah, sorry, but I can't. Ciel: Aw, come on, Raven. You can hear our fans being disappointed. You can tell them. We're okay. Raven: What does you being okay with it have anything to do with-- Ain: That's right. I actually know why too. Black Flame Dragon is sealed in his left arm... is it not?

T/N: Black flame dragon is an old meme.. it's a very uh.. chuunibyou thing... it's from (中二病でも恋がしたい！) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1SxXB87v4Y

Ain: It's running rampant every time you're dancing, so you sealed it away with bandages, did you not? Raven: ... Ciel: What the heck are you saying? His arm actually... has a cute hedgehog clinging on it that he had to hide it with bandages. Raven: You're both wrong... so stop it. Ciel: How long are you going to keep it a secret? Raven: It's nothing serious, so you don't have to worry about it. Ciel: But we're seriously curious... Right, MIA's? Raven: Uh, I actually... it's because... Ain: You really don't have to be ashamed of your black flame dragon. Raven: Stop it because it's embarrassing. Ciel: You don't have to be ashamed of hedgehogs either Raven: Can we move on to the next question?Host: Our MIA's are disappointed, but let's move on to protect our Leader. It's Ciel's turn now! Host: So your hobby is to collect cute things, despite your dashing looks! Ciel: That's right! I love collecting cute dolls and things. I love Bebe bird, Phoru and Hedgehog dolls especially. I feel better whenever I look at cute things, don't you? Ain: I... I'm not sure. Ciel: You're not into it? What about you, Raven? Isn't the limited edition doll I gifted you cute? Raven: Uh... Uh... Huh? Uh yeah. The giant hedgehog doll? It's quite useful. I use it as a pillow. It's so soft. Ciel: What? ...It was my prized collection. I waited in line to get it since it was a limited edition... Ain: Hmm, sounds like you should've gifted him a bean bag. Ciel: No... if he's putting it to good use, then that's fine. Raven: Uh I'm sorry about that. Host: So he used a doll as a cushion... That sure sounds like Raven. Let's talk about Ciel's specialty! He's good at baking and shooting? Ciel: I've done both for a long time. Especially baking. I learned it from someone who was taking care of me before I became a manager. Ain: Oh... I see. Before you were a manager? It sounds like a long time ago. Ciel: It was when I was young... Let's talk about that at another time. Ciel: I'm really good at baking cookies and ice cream. Raven: Ah, yes. Ciel's cookies are my 2nd favorite thing after jerky. They look too fancy to eat sometimes, but they're as good as they look. Ciel: I care a lot about how they look as well as how they taste. I'm into making different flavors of hedgehog cookies nowadays. Ain: Ah, the red, blue, and purple hedgehogs? Ciel: Yes. I saw some merch of hedgehogs so I was inspired by that. Ciel: They all taste different! Ain: Ah... I see. Is that so? I liked the red one the most. Fans: -dies- Ain: I didn't care too much about the purple one. Raven: So that's why I only saw blue and purple hedgehog cookies. That reminds me, the purple one's leaf was all broken. Ciel: What? There's no way... Ain, was it broken when you were eating the cookies too? Raven: What did you say just now. Ciel? Ciel: Uh.. hedgehog cookies. What were we talking about? Hmm anyway, I'll bake them again. Ain: Heh, thank you. I said it before, but make extra red ones, please. Host: ...what did we see just now? Haha, uh I thought someone disappeared all of a sudden, but maybe that was just me. Whose turn is it now? That's right. It's Ain's turn. Ain's profile didn't have enough information, it seemed. Ain: Oh... is it? I thought I filled it out properly. See? Hobbies are reading books and watching movies. I don't have anything, particularly I like or dislike. I'm quite good at everything I do, and I love our MIA's. Ciel: What am I going to do with that guy... Raven: Uh... I'm not in any position to say anything on the subject, but it sure does feel like a lot is missing. Ain: Well, isn't this fairly generic? Raven: I don't think I've ever seen you read or watch anything though... Ciel: That's right. Ain: That's because... I do it when no one's watching. Ciel: Is it? Then what's your favorite scene? Ain: Haha, are you trying to make sure I get enough screen time? 

T/N Note: Ain is saying in a “by asking me so many personal questions? you don't have to, Ciel” tone

Ain: Hmm, let's see... ah, I like watching documentaries. I find it interesting how they've captured exactly how humans live. Uh, I read religious texts. I personally find them interesting. Ciel: Is... that so? I think I've seen him pray in the morning... Are you religious? Ain: That's... a secret. Raven: Uh, it's not a cult, is it? Ain: It's nothing strange, so there's no need for you to worry. Host: Ain's profile had something interesting. Ain: Yes? Host: So you give others nicknames? Is that why you call Ciel and Raven, Mr. Rapper and Mr. Leader? Ain: Oh, that's because... they asked me not to call them by their nicknames publicly. Uh, at our house, I... Ciel: Ain... Raven: ... Ain: Haha, I call them by different nicknames, but it's a secret, Ms. Host. It's a personal nickname. Raven: Yes, they're very personal... It's awkward for everyone to know... Ciel: Yeah, it's embarrassing. Ain: That's too bad that you find it embarrassing. I thought I did my best to give you guys fitting nicknames. No? Ciel: -sigh- Well, Lu said if you call her by her nickname again, she'll make sure you won't be able to set foot in the entertainment industry again... Raven: Ain, we're okay with being called by our nicknames, but maybe it's better for you to not call people by nicknames they don't want. Ain: Hmm.. but it's based on facts. Is it really that bad? Raven: Even if it's based on facts, it can hurt their feelings. Ain: I don't think I quite understand, but I should be wary of Lu's threat... Ciel: If Lu hears that, she'll flip out... You're going to edit this out, won't you? Host: Sure. Let's have a Q&A time! We're going to go over the questions we got on our social media. Let's look at our first question. Host: This is one of the most asked questions that everyone asked. Host: Everyone said it's hard to catch the three of you together, so they're worried that you guys aren't actually that close. Host: TrinityAce and Mega Cake were seen together often... Were you guys able to grow closer while you were preparing for your debut? Raven: Yes, we did. Each of us has our own personal things to worry about, but we were all busy with our debut. Ciel: Raven, if you say it like that, it sounds too business-like... You have to explain it in a way that shows exactly how close we all are. Raven: Uh.. is that so? I don't know how to put it... Hmm... we've gotten close to the point where we can't stop talking during meal times. Ain: Haha, that's true, but that's not the kind of closeness Mr. Rapper was talking about. Ciel: Wait, maybe we're the only ones that think we got close when Raven doesn't think that way? Ain: Oh, so you felt that way... but can you not loop me in that by saying "we"? Ciel: What? so I'm the only one who felt that way? Ain: I was kidding. Ciel: ...Uh, I guess we can say we've gotten close to a point where we can joke like this....? Raven: Ah, yes. I'm no longer taken aback by situations like this. Host: Haha... do they look like they're close? I guess they are. Moving on to the 2nd most asked question. So, we've never seen them together before. So, what exactly were you guys doing off on your own? Can you tell us? Ciel: Uh... uh... I feel guilty of this... what a straight-forward question... Ain: Mr. Rapper has a lot to feel guilty about. A bone-hitting question, no? Raven: You got hit in the bone? Are you okay? Ciel: Hey, that's not it! He means she cornered me with her question. Ain: Yes... it's a metaphor. Raven: I see... Where do you guys learn these things? Ciel: I learn from reading El Live comments. Our viewers are very expressive. Ain: Are we not going to answer the question? Raven: Ah, oh no. I was distracted. I normally practice or watch other group's dance videos when I'm alone. Ain: So that's why you were in the room all the time. Ciel: He likes to be a hermit sometimes. Ain: Right? Completely opposite of you, Mr. Rapper. Raven: Next up is you, Ciel. What do you do when you're alone? Other than taking care of Lu. Ciel: Ah... it's rare, but if I have some time alone, then I go to the shooting range or bake cookies. They have a lot of cute dolls as prizes in the shooting range. As long as I got no competition, I can get as many of them as I like. Ain: Whether it's spending time at the shooting range or baking cookies.... it doesn't change the fact that our house gets full of stuff. Ain: At this rate, the whole house is going to be full of cookies and dolls. Ciel: Fine, I'll try to get rid of them. Raven: Ain, it's your turn. Ain: Ah, is it? Are you guys looking forward to it? Ain: When I'm alone... it's a secret. Ciel: Ain, what are you doing? You can't say it's a secret. Ain: I was kidding, but... I said everything when I was talking about profiles earlier Host: That wasn't... such a satisfying answer... but we all know, don't we? I'm sure our MIA's all know what they were doing on their own. Host: Let's move to individual questions and not a group question. We've asked this during the previous fan meet up. Can you tell us your first impression and current opinion of each member? Staring with our leader. Raven: I felt comfortable when I heard Ciel is the same age as me. I was a bit nervous about the debut, but Ciel knew the ins and outs of the industry, so I knew I could count on him. But... it was a bit worrying that from the moment we met, our topic kept switching over to Lu... but, yeah. It made quite an impression on me how he ended up talking about Lu within 10 minutes of the first time we talked to each other. Ciel: I.. uh, sorry about that. Raven: But now I understand how much he cherishes Lu, and he's doing his job as a member of MAZE, so there's no problem there. Ciel: My first priority is always Lu. I feel bad about inconveniencing everyone about that. Raven: Don't worry about it. Lu is like our own member. I don't think it's a bad thing that you take care of her. Besides, you let us know before you go visit Lu now, so it's good. Ain: Mr. Leader, you're so understanding. Ciel: We're blessed to have such a wonderful leader, aren't we? Ain: Yes. Raven: I guess it's about Ain now. I had a good first impression of him. His skill was impressive, and he was also social unlike me... but maybe calling someone by their nickname isn't such a social thing...? Ciel: Ain is social...? Ain: Ahahaha... Do you have a problem with that, Mr. Rapper? Ciel: A lot. Raven: Well, I was surprised back then, but just as he said so on his profile, he's good at everything he does. He's an excellent member. Ain: Haha, thank you. Ciel: I guess it's my turn. Ciel: When I first heard that Raven, who is the same age as me, was going to debut with me I was surprised. I thought I was too old for an idol debut, but I thought maybe it's okay if he was doing it also...? Ain: Haha Raven: I never thought about that. Ciel: Well, like what Lu said, age doesn't matter. But regardless, I thought you may be strict but you're honest and hardworking, so you would be a reliable member if we debut together. Raven: So you had such a good opinion of me from the beginning? I'm a little embarrassed. Ciel: For Ain, I thought he actually doesn't like me... Ain: No way. Ciel: And when he met Lu, I thought he hated Lu even more than me. Ain: :D Ciel: But after some time passed, I realized he has his own problems, but he is a good guy after all. They still fight when Lu and Ain meet, but I let them fight cuz now it feels like it became their habit to fight. I asked Lu later and she said she doesn't really hate Ain either... believe it or not. Lu has more experience in the industry, so she likes to give her advice which I relay. Ain: But why does she care so much? She could pretend like she doesn't care.

  T/N Note: I don't know if Ain is talking about Lu or Ciel -_-

Ciel: Maybe you two have gotten too close to not care now...? 

T/N Note: I don't know if he's talking about himself or about Lu

Ain: I guess it's my turn?  Hmm, when I first met Mr. Leader, his bandaged arm made quite an impression on me. I thought he was injured, but he gave his all during practices and everything. Now, I... just consider it a strange concept he's adopted. Ciel: Wait, Ain... do you have anything else to say other than his arm....? Ain: Ah, I found it easy to get along because he doesn't talk that much, hahaha Raven: Noted... Ain: As for Mr. Rapper... Ciel: Hmm? What was the question again? Raven: Something about first impressions...? Ciel: Was that all? Ain: Seems so. Raven: Hmm... Ciel: What's wrong, Raven? Raven: It's not easy to meet our fans like this. I think today's memory will last a long time for me. So I'm trying to engrave it in my heart so I can remember it more clearly. Ain: So sentimental all of a sudden, Mr. Leader Ciel: Right...? Is he about to cry? Ain: Ah, maybe it's the black flame dragon in his arm and he's trying to hide it? Raven: It's not that... Ciel: We're kidding. We know how you feel. It's good to see you guys in person. Some of you MIAs' plushies are cute too. Can you tell me where you got them next time? Ain: ...You're hopeless. Ain: I guess that means your collection pile will grow bigger... Host: I guess that's inevitable if you live together in the same house. Host: It's time to end this Host: Let's hear from MAZE about how they feel. Raven: I was worried this fan meet up will be boring, but now I feel like it ended all too soon. I don't know if you enjoyed yourselves. But you'll still have the song and the MV to look forward to. I don't know about talking, but I'm more confident when I'm performing on stage. Ciel: Worrying about Lu's fan meet up feels like it was yesterday, but I guess now our own is about to end. I had a lot of fun being able to talk to you face to face in the same place. I think this was a memorable experience. Thanks for coming all the way out here. Next up... Ciel: ...uh, who was it? Who was it? Host: Do you remember who was next? Host: Please tell us who's next! Ain: Ahahaha... I'm sorry. I was too sad when I thought about how this was the end. Thank you for remembering me and waiting for me. Today's fan meetup ends, but our song will be released tomorrow, and MV next week... We'll have more to show you later, so I hope you'll look forward to them. See you later! -host tells people to tell MAZE w.e the fk they wanna say and people proceed to scream out their heart's desires- Raven: Today's such a hot day, so be careful on your way back. One two three, no way out! We're MAZE! Ciel: Bye everyone! Ain: Bye! Raven: See you next time.

#i said this is long #elsword translation #im kinda sorry i didnt post it earlier #i mean i had it on my discord server since august 10 2019 #maze fan meeting #maze #elstar #el star

[nikatyler]

Felt like doing some replies the ~ old fashioned ~ way. I should be packing, but I don’t wanna. One good thing about this semester is that I don’t have classes on Monday morning, which means I don’t have to go to Prague on Sunday. But I’ll be once again going home late on Friday -_- Oh well. Maybe I could skip the lecture every once in a while to go home on Thursday afternoon.

I’m scared. Not really of what I’ll have to learn because I know that even if it’s difficult, I’ll probably get it in my brain in the end. Somehow. I’m more scared that once again, I’ll be left alone. I haven’t really found a stable friend group. I mean, I talk to some people sometimes, but I wouldn’t call it a friendship. One friend that I thought I could rely on doesn’t even bother saying hello to me anymore. I don’t know what I did to him, he just stopped talking to me. But maybe it’s for the best. Even when we still talked, I couldn’t believe how judgemental he was, and I often wondered if he talks about me like that too when I can’t hear it. He probably did. Oh well, I’ll see what I can do. I hope I’ll run into someone who is kinda like my best friend from high school.

As for sims stuff, I know I still owe some things to some people and I feel bad about it. You’ll get it eventually. I’m actually looking forward to doing it too. Makeovers are fun. I’d also like to release some more sims, I have one more sim dump and then some old legacy characters I want to share, plus some BC contestants that didn’t make it. They like to get eliminated in the first rounds.

Also, thanks for the comments on my mental health update post. I’ll see how this turns out and if it doesn’t get any better (I’m kinda hoping that better weather brings better mood, it worked before), I’ll start looking for a therapist or something. No offense to my parents but talking to them about this didn’t help in a slightest. They just don’t get it. And I swear I’m not reverting back to the “I’m an edgy misunderstood teenager” phase. Even though “edgy misunderstood teenager” is an aesthetic I still live for. Whatever that means.

And thanks for the tips on the laptop post. I’ll keep them in mind and I’ll probably ask again when the time comes and I actually buy a new one.

Ahh...I guess that’s it? Replies under the cut. As per usual, they’ll probably be the shorter part of this post, but oh well.

abysims  replied to your photoset  “Let’s find Lilith Vatore some love! In my game, I’ve had Lilith in a...”

Honestly Cassandra and Lilith would be amazing (... In my Glimmerbrook Academy story Cass is actually gonna have a huge crush on Lilith so I'm voting for that, yas!)

Ooooh that sounds great! Also, I’ll have a post announcing the results of the post coming up later, either today or tomorrow, but...spoiler alert: Cassandra might have won ;)

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your post “Simmer - Get to Know”

Lol this thing with Mermaids made me remember that when my friend and I were like 12 years old, a 6-year-old made her a "proposal" and we answered him that she'll marry him when he buys her a house by the sea in Prague

Omg sea in Prague sounds kinda cool, my faculty would be so close to the beach *-* Haha but at the same time it’s kinda terrifying, where would the sea come from? From the north? From the south? Would that mean my home doesn’t exist? Or, actually, considering my town was built on a big hill, would that mean I live on an island? And which part of Prague would be under the sea and which one would stay?

Sorry, I got distracted thinking of this AU where my country actually has access to the sea :D But we used to have it, back in like I think 12th or 13th century. We’re wayyyy smaller now.

amuhav replied to your post “Me, looking up some specs of my current laptop: you're...you're...”

If it's anything like me with my first 'gaming' laptop, the store clerk basically straight up lied to me about how good it was, and I was too young and naive to know better �� sims 3 almost burnt that thing to a crisp ������

Lmao I have a similar story with my first laptop, we were told that it has this super amazing graphic card...and it wasn’t amazing at all, as I later learned when my laptop broke.

amuhav replied to your photoset “Sims Moodboard Challenge I was tagged by @blurrypxls,...”

Oh no... don't make me want to go back to pinterest and do more of these �� They're ADDICTIVE

THEY ARE! I haven’t done much today, but I’ve spent a lot of time there all through this last week.

amuhav replied to your photo “I need to stop. This is more addictive than scrolling through memes....”

Pssst, not to enable or anything, but Picasa 3 has this nice feature where you can take a bunch of pics and it makes them into a nice collage. That's how I made mine, and then used them as my desktop backgrounds ��

I think I’ll use Photoshop, like I do for everything else, but thanks for giving me an idea for my new background! I used to have my sims or some other characters set as a background, but now that I take my laptop to school I feel a bit uncomfortable with that, so since October I’ve had this kinda boring background and I’ve been meaning to change it into something nicer, I just didn’t know what to put there. Now I do.

fataleromeo replied to your photoset “Sunset: “How dare you pretend you’re Father Winter?” Father Winter:...”

Holy crap, Sunset is a lot more buff than I ever realized. Those arms! ��

Yup. That’s because she has to get her Athletic skill higher for work. I think her muscle slider might be at max, actually!

fataleromeo replied to your photoset “Father Winter: “That’s it! You’re going on my Naughty List. Your...”

How could she not with with muscles like that?? Damn his Christmas magic!

Next time we should just call Caleb. I mean, he defeated Grim Reaper with no problem, surely Father Winter won’t be any more difficult for him!

fataleromeo replied to your photoset “Sunset: “Okay, cool. You won’t give us gifts but I have a special one...”

Lmaoooooo, get him, Sunset! ������

He deserves it

asplashofsims replied to your photo “~ daylight”

Cute picture! ♡ I hope you feel better soon and omgg winx club, it's my guilty pleasure for sure hahah all the childhood memories��

I love Winx Club so much. It’s a little ridiculous and the plot holes are terrible (and don’t let me talk about anything after season 4, those are not my Winx D:), but I can’t let it go.

blubrich replied to your post “I forgot how traumatizing Toy Story 3 was ��”

Especially the ending! ��

YES. I remember the whole cinema was crying.

Also, Toy Story always unpacks this weird guilt in me haha. Because as a child, naturally I was like “I would NEVER abandon my toys, I’ll keep them forever!”. And now...they’re in boxes...under my bed and in the basement...some of them I gave away or to my younger sister, who then also gave some away because she’s fifteen now. I still have my plushies and teddy bears in my bed though, it would be too empty without them :D

silverspringsimmer replied to your audio post “(via...”

I love Within Temptation and they got me into heavier music later, too!

I don’t even remember how I found them. I was just bored of the music I was listening to all the time back then, so I clicked through playlists and stuff on Spotify and somehow I landed on their page, I guess. And I immediately fell in love.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your audio post “(via...”

Oh this song was the first song of this bad which I heard! It was also 5-6 years ago.though I do not listen to them often these days.

I think the first song I heard was What Have You Done, which I liked and still like very much, but then I heard this one and went kinda crazy because it just sounded so epic and exactly what my poor slightly depressed fifteen years old soul needed. In one day, I completely switched from pop to metal and it took me a few years to appreciate my old favourite music again. (I know that I say all the time that I’m a Taylor Swift stan, but actually I only really started LOVING her music again last year.)

I’ve always thought that it’s kinda funny that in my Music class, for the first semester I prepared a project about Taylor Swift. In the second semester, that changed, the old pop loving Ronnie was dead, and my new project was about Within Temptation :D But I remember that I was actually upset that day, I chose to show my classmates the video of What About Us and they didn’t appreciate it. And then after me, my other classmate had a project about some singer who had this weird song about getting high. They wanted to replay it. I was so bitter, in my head I was like “this song that I showed you has an interesting meaningful message and you’d rather listen to a song about drugs, how dare you?! You’re absolutely terrible!”

Yeah. I mean, I get it today, but I was so, so bitter.

amuhav replied to your audio post “(via...”

I recently found out they had a new album out (and Nightwish had a new single out too ��) and early 2000s emo teenage me immediately surfaced and threw money at my screen!

Ahhhh I’ve basically had Noise on repeat since it came out, I love it so much! And the video is cool too. I can’t wait to hear the whole album. Nightwish never disappoints, I hope I’ll one day get to see them live. I’ve had a few chances but then it never worked out.

#replies #abysims #tiny-tany-thaanos #amuhav #fataleromeo #asplashofsims #blubrich #silverspringsimmer

[unproduciblesmackdown]

had some bmc thoughts stemming from like 2 weeks ago that i’ve been in a cycle of putting off / forgetting to write.....in part b/c there’s no Thesis here as usual, just some vague observations and a like “oh hmm” realization thanks to stephen brackett’s htbmc episode which i’ve just noticed i Listened Too on dec 12th so i guess this is stemming from closer to 2 months ago than 2 weeks. anyways though

listening to that he was talking about mitb and it’s like mmhm right right but then he talked specifically about it as like an Identity Crisis in a way that i hadn’t really fully considered before like.....that without jeremy as that other half it’s like, all the stuff about how other people see him might be Right, [that post like (looks up what a pt cruiser looks like) “god maybe he IS a loser” lol] which yknow i’d kind of just attributed to the way he already felt but obviously intensified like, that now without Anyone as a friend it just sucks that nobody likes him instead of the “well we’re the only ones who like us but that’s fine” thing......but yeah with what steve was saying about it i was like oh so like, kind of taking that “ppl think i’m a loser but i will own it” thing but like, not only now interpreting Being Called A Loser in the way that jeremy did thanks to jeremy saying it, but being like “wow maybe i Am a loser(tm) and also the way that everyone maybe thinks of me is correct idk” b/c like, so much of his identity being tied up in being this one guy’s longtime bff and in all this Tumult it’s like well not only am i sad but what does this Mean, am i Really that........and you know, how, presumably, hearing it from jeremy is like, oh hmm shit let me consider this Afresh and like, giving some emotional weight to that. im not writing this great lol but anyways 

second thing was just something i always think of With Interest and which is related to michael also which is that like, i go and think “wow haha it’s pretty cool that the difficulties (& more specifically the Communication Problems) in jeremy and michael’s relationship don’t stem from some inability to express affection or anything” like, thinking of that bit in 2pg, but then from there i was like well hang on it’s Also interesting that in that bit in 2pg and like, seemingly overall, jeremy is the one who’s better at being like, Direct About His Feelings verbally lol? i mean, you have michael with the pointed redirection of “will you be too cool for - Video Games” & kind of going back into (Pretending He’s) Focusing On That mode, and then you have jeremy just cutting through that by taking michael’s controller and then just talking about You Are My Favorite Person which like, of course also says that he knows michael’s not talking about video games and doesn’t feel obligated to roll with that......and then even really the fact that michael reacts to that Fave Pers thing with gettin silly all of 5 seconds into it is like, easily interpreted as being a little like “let me avoid the most earnest and direct Emotional Expression here lol”......but yknow i don’t think this is really a Problem, yeah jeremy feeling kinda unheard (or unproperly-listened-to) by michael Is that big communication issue there, but jeremy sure seems to just Get the way that michael is here, and has no difficulty with it or with understanding what michael Means even if he’s not quite saying things as Directly as jeremy is here, or being like “lmao >:333″ in response to jeremy’s “I Care You”.......

and i also kinda always link it up with my being like “nice emotional sidestep” @ the vimh scene where jeremy asks Why michael still came back to help him and like, sure yeah they kinda have a discussion but michael then just leaves it up to Jeremy’s Dad to be like “well son michael and i sang a song about loving you” which like, isn’t what gets said lol........i really like the pants song scene for so many reasons including that like, it’s not seen as some deep horrible failure of character (like the character of a person, not as in “fictional character”) that michael is mad at jeremy and behaving spitefully towards him by sort of giving up on him when he knows he’s probably in a bad situation Overall.......like i mean we all understand Why he’s having this reaction, but then people who Are wanting it to be Perfect and Fully Justified then just put that on jeremy being terrible and he absolutely deserved to be abandoned like that, instead of maybe being like, it is okay for michael to not make perfect decisions throughout this because he is a person and he is also a person in high school and like. yeah you need this Adult who like, really the fact that Jeremy’s Dad’s reaction to jeremy lashing out at him is to be like “oh i need to Do More to help him” speaks of this genuine maturity there, and michael does not have that because i guess everyone is like 16 or something, but it’s not any kind of Weakness or Failing that a more mature grown person needed to step in to be like “yeah you’re mad at him but we gotta look at the bigger picture here and that you do still actually care about this person and don’t Really want to get passive revenge here” etc, it’s just natural that the younger person here could benefit from the guidance of someone with more Life Experience and maturity here, did i mention “maturity,” how many times can i say it Challenge. and then also then that reminds me the [jeremy’s dad interrupting with Do You Love Him bit] lol which like, well that’s not particularly michael being maybe not as great at jeremy as (more) direct Emotional Statements thanks to it being more like, this is a bit out of nowhere and in 2pg it sure doesn’t seem like michael and mr. heere often have heart-to-hearts lol. where was i going with this. i guess it’s that i think it’s increshesting how michael is the sorta more Confidant(tm) person here but jeremy is the one more comfortable being emotionally vulnerable or something

#or something....whatever i said here i said. been putting this off for ages apparently so it gets slapped down and thrown out here #bmc

[purplesurveys]

807

Have you ever laughed at someone because they had a funny name? No, that sounds awful. I had so many kids laugh at me because of my name when I was younger, so I’ve learned better than to do that. If I come across a weird name I’m more likely to judge the parents than the kid themselves. Speaking of names, why do celebrities always call their kids stupid ones? It’s not just celebrities who do these; they’re just famous so they get all the attention. Generally though I really don’t know why more and more people have been choosing to give their kids odd names. X Æ A-Xii in particular stresses me outtttttttttt PLEASE LOVE YOUR CHILD If you have a problem with someone, will you confront them? Depends on who it is and how big/personal my problem is with them. I won’t always confront someone; sometimes it’s best to act like you don’t care. How do you like your tea? (: Iced, lemonade, and with a lot of sugar. Do you get car sick easily? No, only if I do something to induce motion sickness like reading or texting.

What did you want to be when you were a kid? The earliest occupations I wanted to have were firefighter, astronaut, and a veterinarian. When I got a little older I wanted to become an author. Insert funny memory here:  My favorite story to hear from my friends was when my org had a get-together shortly after we got new officers elected (myself included), and when I got drunk enough I was apparently announcing the suspensions of newly-inducted orgmates I was yet to know more, effective immediately loooool. It was part of my ~powers so I guess that’s why I spent nearly the whole evening doing that. I made sure to apologize to those people the day after. :(( Do you think you're a good conversationalist? Why is that? Yes, when it comes down to it. I pride myself on being a good listener – pair this with the fact that I’ve also learned to ask good questions through the years as a journalism student – so this ability usually includes being able to catch on to the little details they say. From there, I’m able to ask them questions I know they’d love to answer. My trick in conversations is to just have people talk about the things or hobbies they love, because time usually flies by then. Are you more likely to be called a hard worker or lazy? Hard worker. What is your sense of humour like? It’s pretty flexible. I can laugh at kiddie jokes, dark jokes as long as they are not blatantly offensive and harmful, and at the same time I can laugh at dank memes that make absolutely no sense whatsoever.   Do you think you're fairly intelligent? In what way? Yeah, but it’s book smarts more than anything else. I like reading and racking up new knowledge, memorizing things, acing tests, etc. I don’t consider myself street smart at all sadly lol, and I’m still super dependent on other people when it comes to crossing the road, commuting (if I have to), bargaining, etc. How do you like your eggs? Poached or scrambled. Do you enjoy visiting your relatives? I look forward to the food being served more than anything else, because Filipino family reunions don’t fuck around when it comes to the preparations haha. Other than that, I’m always a bit wary when visiting family because Filipino relatives also tend to come up with the worst introductory statements: “You’ve gotten so fat,” “Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?” and “I don’t like what you’re posting on Facebook” are just starters. What's your favourite thing about the nearest upcoming holiday? That would be Independence Day, and I like that it’s solely ours. Our independence day used to be on July 4th to be the same as America’s, but a past president changed it to June 12th so we can instead commemmorate the day we gained independence from Spain, instead of sharing our independence day with a colonizer. Have you ever been on a float in a parade? What were you doing on it? No, I haven’t. Have you ever had a strange compliment? What was it? I’ve probably gotten one or two of them but I don’t keep comments like those in my memory, so there’s a very good chance I’ve forgotten all about them. When was the last time you had deja vu? I don’t really remember exactly when but it was sometime within the last week. Have you ever had a dream in black and white? I don’t think so. I’d remember it if I have. What about a dream with no sound? Nope. What is something you find interesting but would never pursue as a career? Astronaut. It’s such an awesome job and I look up to everyone who does it, but for me it’ll always stay as a fantasy career. I’m simply not good enough at science to understand how stuff in space works; plus I get dizzy extremely easily and that’s not gonna work well for me when it’s time to board the spaceship lol. What types of people do you tend to avoid? Racists, homophobes, and fanatical Catholics. What is one personality trait a potential friend must have? They must have an introverted side. I can’t deal with people who are super active 24/7. Have you ever seen someone slip on a banana peel? Nope, I’ve only mostly seen that happen in Mario Kart hah. Have you ever been in a helicopter? I have not. What is a colour you love that's not your favourite? Maroon. Where would you like to travel to? Anywhere outside the house would be a great start. I’d love to get to go inside a mall, any mall. What colour is your car? / What colour would you like it to be? My car is white, and I’m happy with it being white. It looks clean and sleek that way, for me. Does anything hurt on your body right now? What? No but I’m feeling a little hot. I need a shower. What is your favourite mode of travelling? Road trip or by plane. Have you ever had Chickenpox? I haven’t. Dreading the day it comes to me because I just know it’ll be a million times worse as an adult. Can you roll your eyes into the back of your head? I can but it’s very uncomfortable and I don’t do it at all. I only did it often as a kid, whenever I wanted to scare off my sister or make funny faces with my cousins. If you have online friends, do you think you'd get on in real life? Yes, I think so. I’ve only had one negative experience with an online friend who turned out to be a dipshit, but I like to keep optimistic when it comes to my other friends.  Who is your favourite animated character? Answered this in another survey, but Spongebob. I also took a big liking to Mr. Peanutbutter from BoJack Horseman since he was the only one who kept me happy throughout the show hahahaha. Are your favourites often what the majority like? Like, in relation to my above answers? I know a lot of people didn’t really like Mr. Peanutbutter because he was horrible at reading Diane’s love language and due to his tendency to mask reality with humor and general immaturity, so there’s that. Spongebob is pretty much universally loved by everyone who has seen the show, though. If you could have anything for dinner tonight, what would you choose? I did have dinner already and I was very happy with the sisig my dad made. I would have had it with soju, but I already drank coffee today and with my body just finishing up healing itself from my awful fever last week, I don’t wanna beat up my body by mixing coffee and alcohol immediately lol. Do you prefer sweet or savoury foods? Savory. Do you worry about eating too much? What about eating too little? I don’t really worry about either. I find that I eat a healthy amount of food for all my meals, so there’s little reason to overanalyze that department. Is it dark outside right now? Yes, it’s 10:30 PM. The moon has an interesting haze around it at the moment that makes it hard to miss, but otherwise it’s very dark. Do you get scared when it's a full moon? No. Do you think Jaffa Cakes are a cake or a biscuit? xP I don’t even know what those are and I’m too lazy to check. If you go anywhere, do you always buy souvenirs for people? Nah, just for Gab. What was the last toy you got in a cereal box? I don’t know, I don’t remember. The last time there was a toy in a cereal box we bought would probably be like 16 years ago lol. Hypothetically speaking, if you owned a charm bracelet, would you always make sure the charms meant something to you? Not really. I imagine I’d get charms just because I want to collect them lol. I know Pandora does a lot of charm collections, like Disney and Harry Potter. It doesn’t always have to mean something to me. Are you waiting on anyone coming home right now? No. Everyone living here is home now. Is it easy to make you gag? Nope. I watch pro wrestling dude, I’ve seen lots of disgusting stuff go down. It’ll take a lot before I gag. Do you like the way your voice sounds? Yes, I’m alright with it for the most part. Do you usually keep to yourself? This is pretty vague. You mean about my personal life? I’d say so. I normally would keep to myself but I’m also an open book, if that makes sense. Like I’m okay with spilling out my stories or emotions, but people have to come to me and ask for them; otherwise I’m just staying quiet. Can you see the stars from your house? Sure. Sky looks best when you’re at the rooftop though. How would you react if your favourite band made a song with your first name as its title? It would be on repeat for like three months lol. What is a word or phrase you've been told you overuse? It’s been years but a prof once told me I used “okay, so...” a lot as a transition when I report. I appreciated the comment though and since that time I’ve been more watchful of the phrases I use when I report. Are you considered an awkward person? I have my times, yeah. I’ve gotten considerably better in dealing with people though and usually it’s them that’s awkward now, not me lol. Has a career advisor ever helped you choose your ideal career? No, I’ve never met up with a career advisor before. If you were abandoned for a week, would you be able to fend for yourself? Yes, as long as instant food and some basic frozen food are accessible to me ahuhu. Is there a light on in the room you're in? Yes. Have you ever been friends with someone who was your complete opposite? YES, Gabie and I cannot be any more different. Sometimes I still wonder how she and I ended up being friends at all, but I chalk it up to our humor and the way our (very different) personalities manage to mesh well together. Have you ever wished you were an identical twin? If one, do you hate it? Not really. What day were you born on? Tuesday. What's your favourite number? Why did you pick that? I never really had a favorite number. Whenever I have to pick one I just say 4 just because it’s Beyoncé’s favorite and she uses it on literally every concert, show, etc. so I’ve come to encounter it a lot as well lol. What does your favourite perfume / deodorant smell like? A little fruity. Who's your favourite Disney character? Flynn Rider. Do you like having a favourite everything or do you enjoy keeping open? I like having a favorite everything but I also like keeping my options open just in case I ever wanna shift favorites. What's your favourite advertisment? Or do you find them all irritating? I don’t pick ads to be my favorite lol. They’re not irritating, but I just don’t particularly care about any of them.

#survey #surveys

[altik-0]

Personal Revelation

I've spent the last two weeks trying to figure out how to write this post, but my mind has felt like it's tumbling around a washing machine and trying to figure out how to straighten my thoughts into a coherent message has felt impossible. But I'm driving myself crazy continuing to hold off on saying something, so I'm going to just rip off the bandage now, and we can talk in more depth after the cut.

Hi! 👋 I'm Asexual and Aromantic! Let's talk about it.

Where to even start

This month has been a fucking trip.

On the one hand, this has been the fourth month of nearly continuous quarantine for the COVID-19 pandemic. On the other, the end of May was the spark that began a wildfire of protests against police brutality that have swept across the country, including the seemingly milquetoast land of Salt Lake City. I found myself simultaneously figuring out the umpteenth way to keep myself entertained while being in home nearly uninterrupted for over 90 days, while also desperately searching for the courage to exit my home and join the marches against injustice.

And in the background of all of this, it was Pride Month.

On the 12th, a Youtube creator I follow released a video about their experience discovering themselves as non-binary. You should watch it, but what is important for the sake of this post is that the bulk of the video is an asynchronous telling of various moments throughout their life that, in reflection, show them that "[they] were who [they] are now, back then". These moments form a tapestry that tell a story of self discovery, and the result is incredibly powerful.

They released a rough cut about a week earlier for Patreon supporters, and I was immediately transfixed. I watched it three times in a row on the first day it was uploaded. I watched it twice more after the release. Hell, when I pulled this video up now to get the share link I couldn't help but sit and watch through it all over again.

At first I didn't really know why I felt so attached to this piece in particular. Yet still, I spent multiple nights laying awake for hours in what felt like a dreamlike haze at the time. It took three nights like this for me to realize I had spent all this time reflecting on my own past moments, and revisiting them through the lens this video had shared with me.

How I got here

It is September 2005. I am currently at a school dance. I know I am supposed to be finding someone to dance with and enjoy that for some reason, but all I want to do is go home. I might consider mustering up some courage and just asking someone, anyone, to dance, if it weren't for the fact that I still didn't have any friends. Instead, I feel trapped, wandering up and down the side wall, waiting for it to be over so I can finally leave. I stumble across a small group also sitting on the sides; a girl reading manga, and another playing Yu-Gi-Oh! with a boy across from her. I approach: "I didn't realize anyone still played this" They invite me to join, and soon I find myself with genuine friends at school for the first time in years. I never think about asking someone to dance again.

It is the summer of 2017. I am at a bar with some coworkers at the end of the week. I don't drink, but I've opened myself up to joining people for happy hour because it feels like a good way to socialize, and I've genuinely enjoyed getting to know folks. My team lead makes a comment that he feels it's impossible for a man and a woman to ever have a friendly relationship without having some element of sexual tension between them. I rebuff this comment -- initially I feel a sense of feminist frustration at the concept, as if it is implicitly saying that men and women should not work together. As the conversation continues, I realize the real reason I feel so sure this is wrong is because I have never felt this way toward anyone I've worked with.

It is the summer of 2008. I am in church, listening to the new instructor for my Sunday school class shift the discussion towards politics. Since he began, every lesson without fail will eventually derail into right-wing screeds. For him, any issue that is even vaguely left-leaning is a potential avenue for Satan to take hold of you: feminism, activism, even environmentalism. But lately he has had a particular fixation on the topic of gay marriage, and it is beginning to take a toll on my mental health. Being in these classes, hearing a man in a position of authority repeatedly say "it is not that we shouldn't love these people, but we need to still understand that they are committing a sin" has become physically painful to listen to. Of course, I am not queer, just an ally -- I can only imagine how painful this must be for those who are directly affected. I will nearly pass out from exhaustion and anxiety during sacrament meeting a few hours later.

It is February 2020. I am out to lunch with a friend and coworker. I have just recently changed jobs after less than a year, because I was hopelessly miserable at my last one. It should have been a dream job, marrying two of my closest passions, but instead I felt suffocated by being in a world where everyone seemed indifferent towards me at best, or actively hated me at worst. My friend invited me to join this job, and although it is a miserable job, I find solace in being able to go to lunch and have genuine conversations with someone I get along with. He mentions his wife is pregnant, and the stress of tending for his current child while she is resting. I acknowledge the frustration, though somewhat awkwardly since I am still single. "Oh, yeah, I sometimes forget you aren't married yet, haha. Well, don't worry, you'll get to join in on the fun soon enough!" I want to say "I very much doubt that"; instead I say "Well, I guess we'll see." The conversation does not feel so genuine anymore.

It is January 2009. I am watching House M.D. with my dad. We bond a lot while watching tv. We're both avid fans of MST3K, and we are invariably the obnoxious people in a movie theater a few rows down cracking jokes throughout the film. It feels fun and rebellious, even if we're doing it at home where nobody will be annoyed. This episode starts with Foreman and Thirteen waking up together in bed after clearly spending the night together. My dad cracks a joke about how "they're going to get in trouble, since they aren't married!" I quip back "nah, it's not a big deal, they just slept together, haha." My dad pauses the show and turns to me, deadly serious: "Who told you that was okay?!" I am a deer in headlights. I suddenly realize that I meant "slept together" literally, but nobody else uses it that way. I don't understand how I missed that.

It is October 2010. I am at home, speaking with my mother after coming home from school. She has always been a political firebrand, and especially after I left the church and started college the two of us have connected on this a lot. She has just read an article that mentioned the expanded acronym "LGBTQIA", and says she doesn’t know what all the "I" and "A" refer to. I don't yet know what the "I" refers to, but I suggest the "A" is probably for "asexual". She says she hadn't heard of asexuality, though that does make sense. I realize I don't recall hearing about asexuality before either. I don't actually know if anyone identifies like that. It just somehow feels like something that must exist.

It is the spring of 2007. I am at a local game store playing at a Friday Night Magic event for the first time. I suffer from very extreme social anxiety, and I spent the entire week a ball of nervous energy. Despite myself, I have managed to drive myself to the event and register. I have promised myself dozens of times over that I already knew Magic players were people similar to me, so there was no reason to worry. My first match is against someone wearing a frilly dress, cat ears, and tail. She mews at me several times while playing. On the surface I have frozen and only robotically go through motions of playing the game because my anxiety has boiled over to the point that I cannot quite function properly. Inside, I am filled with pure delight at realizing that someone could feel comfortable expressing themselves that openly in a space like this. I eventually become friends with this person who I will later learn is trans -- I had never met a trans person before. I will become close friends with three more trans people, at least two enbies, and countless other queer people over the next decade of playing this wonderful game.

It is November 2019. I am at work, sitting at my desk, feeling completely numb despite starting the day energetic to the point of mania. I've just had an argument with a close friend -- perhaps the closest friend I've ever had -- and it ended... poorly, to put it mildly. So poorly, in fact, that it is safe to say we are just not friends anymore. The reality was that there were always problems between us, and this was a culmination of conflict that never really got effectively resolved. It might not have even been possible to resolve. In the moment, though, I cannot escape the suffocating feeling that I am a failure as a human being; someone who simply does not know how to maintain a relationship. My mind goes through loops of how I could have said something differently to have it end better. The emotional pain will not fully make sense to me until several months later, when I realize this was the closest thing to a break-up that I've ever experienced.

It is January 2012. I am watching House M.D. with my dad again. Since leaving the church, watching shows like this has been a desperate lifeline for our relationship. We don't joke as much anymore. This episode features a side plot with an asexual couple, who House determines is simply impossible, and uses his power of supreme logic to prove the asexuality wasn't real all along. I have heard of asexuality, though I don't know where or when, so I am angry at this. Of course, as an ally. I want to joke with my dad to release some frustration, but he is still in the church, and I don’t think he will empathize. I stay silent, and do not enjoy this episode.

It is December 2019. I am scrolling through a Discord channel I was invited to from one of the leftist creators I follow. This community has been a breath of fresh air in many ways, and one I found surprisingly helpful was an NSFW adult content chat channel where people are open about sex, fetishes, and more. I've considered myself fairly open-minded and sex-positive, but I'm still a virgin at 28 so I've found there is a lot I just don't know about. Today, someone has started a conversation about what qualifies as "taboo" and relating it to kink-shaming. Another member replies, mentioning they are asexual and find the whole notion of taboos being kind of bizarre. My mind reels at seeing someone who identifies as asexual in this chat. Over time I find out there are several other people who identify at least gray-ace in this chat, some who even draw risque artwork for commission. I realize how little I actually understood about what asexuality really was, and begin scouring the internet for articles and wikis on asexuality.

It is April 2010. I am at an Apollo Burger across the street from the local game store where I am playing in a Magic prerelease. My friends I followed over are talking about weekend plans, and one of them makes a joke about doing some chores to butter up his partner to have sex. The joke does not go over my head -- I am straight, and understand sex, even if I am still a virgin -- but I still can't help but think out loud: "You know, I just don't get why people make such a big deal out of sex." The awkwardness and confused looks are suffocating. I drop the topic immediately.

It is June 2020. I have just watched a video from an enby Youtube creator about their experience discovering their own gender identity. Over the next three days I will see every one of these past experiences, along with hundreds of others, flash before my eyes in rapid succession, over and over, until I begin to realize that I haven't allowed myself to truly identify how I do. Every time I asked "am I asexual?" in the past, I would dismiss it because I understood sex and have a sex drive. Once I actually researched asexuality, though, I almost immediately found stories of people who identify as ace and still experience a sex drive. I also discover a lot of stories from aromantic people that sound painfully similar to feelings I hadn't even realized were not the norm. For the first time I begin to realize I may not just be an ally.

So what does this mean

I came to a sense of satisfaction with living alone and single a long time ago. At first this came with a certain level of shame, because I felt like it was only because I was too cowardly to enter the dating scene and try to find a relationship for myself. Over time the impact of the shame diminished, but it never went away; it just became a quiet background noise that I got accustomed to pushing back.

But now that I feel comfortable calling myself "Aromantic", I don't feel any shame. A romantic relationship is simply something I don't need. Instead, I can focus on fostering the kinds of deep relationships that do feed my soul. That will likely be a difficult thing to do -- awkwardly traversing intimacy was something most people worked through as a teenager or young adult, and I'm nearly 30, haha. But it at least feels possible now.

But really the biggest change for me is that I feel like I can be honest and public about who I am in a way I never was before. Simply being open about this piece of my identity somehow feels important if for no other reason than to let other people who felt like I did growing up that they aren't alone.

So... yeah. I'm aroace. And I always have been.

#coming out #aroace #aromantic #asexual #pride #god it's nice to have an emotional post that doesn't need to be tagged as garbage for once

[robinrunsfiction]

okay one more thing and i'll shut up: what about a human!gerard x vampire!reader?? i've literally never seen one anywhere. "What's your tragic backstory?" "My what now?" "Y'know, you're a fuckin vampire, isn't your past supposed to be dark and tragic?" "Listen, dude, I've literally only been a vampire for a total of three months and that's because I fucking ASKED to be one." "You're the strangest person I've ever met." "Indeed I am. But you're the one who asked me out."

My Monster

Pairing: Gerard Way x Female Vampire ReaderRating: GeneralRequested by: @pest-ill-enceWord Count: ~2,700Author’s Note: So I started writing this in July (Does that seem right?Because that seems like… really long ago… But I started writing it on tumblr,and had it saved as a draft file and when I go to it, it says July 12th which is bananas, but ok!), but I left off writing it. Then I got the above request and I still had this and I’m actually finishing it off! It’s set circa Bullets era, hence the Umbrella Academylevels of technology haha

Gerard scanned the crowd of the small venue as he sang. Thecrowd was rowdy, fired up, but in the back of the room he spotted you at thebar, drink in hand, watching with a smile.

Feeling the singers gaze on you, you locked eyes with him andsmiled even more. He was gorgeous you thought as you sipped your drink.Throughout the performance his attention kept coming back to you.

After the set, crowd dispersed, and the band members talkedto the fans who stuck around. You had turned back to the bar to pay your billwhen someone sat down on the next stool. You glanced up and the singer from theband was sitting next to you.

“Umm hey, I’m Gerard, thanks for coming out to the show.” Hesaid running his hand through his hair.

“I’m (y/n). You guys are really great, you know?”

“Thanks,” he said with a bashful smile and your stomachflipped. He was even cuter up close.

You two continued talking for quite a while before younoticed the time.

“Hey Gerard, I really want to continue this conversation,but I have to go get ready for work.”

Gerard looked up at the clock above the bar, it was almost 2AM and looked back at you with a confused look.

“I own a bakery,” you explained. “I have to get the breadand pastries baking for the day.”

“Can we meet up some time soon?” He asked hopefully.

“Yea, that would be awesome,” you said with a smile beforereaching over the bar to grab a pen and a napkin.

“Hey, don’t just go grabbing shit,” the bartender calledfrom the end of the bar behind you. You whipped your head around and shot him aglare that made his blood run cold. Gerard saw the look of fear on thebartender’s face and looked over his shoulder trying to figure out whatelicited such a look. He shrugged when he didn’t see anything out of orderbehind him and turned back to you as you held up the napkin with your phonenumber on it and a sweet smile.

“Call me,” you said as you got up to leave.

“I will,” he replied as he watched you walk away. Gerard waslooked at your phone number on the napkin when the bartender approached him.

“Hey man, watch yourself with that chick, she’s scary,” hesaid.

“What the fuck are you talking about man?” Gerard asked incredulously.The bartender just replied by holding his fingers over his teeth like fangs andsnarled at the singer.

“Ok,” Gerard said as he waved him off and went back to thestage where his bandmates were starting to pack up their equipment. It had beena great night in his book.

~

The phone ringing on your nightstand woke you from yourslumber. Sitting up against the pillows in your cool dark room you answered,trying to shake the sleep from your voice. “Hello?”

“Hey, (y/n)? Its Gerard, from the bar.”

“Oh hey, how’s it going?”

“I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“No, it’s ok. What’s going on?”

You and Gerard talked for a while about life, his band, andsome new songs he was working on. You agreed to meet up for coffee in a coupledays before their next show.

The night of your date, you got up early to do your hair,and makeup. Your signature look was a bit mod; winged eyeliner and a neutrallip. It wasn’t exactly the trendiest look, but you knew what you liked. Youpulled on your coat and headed out.

When you arrived at the coffee shop, Gerard was out frontsmoking a cigarette looking a little nervous. You smiled as you approached inthe cold early dusk air.

“Hey, how’s it going?” you asked as you approached.

“Great,” he said with a smile as he snuffed out hiscigarette under the toe of his boot. He held the door open for you as youwalked into the small coffee shop. You both ordered black coffee and settled inat a small table a silence overtaking you both, until you both started takingat the same time.

“So you own a bakery?” He asked as you asked “How often doesyour band perform?” You both laughed as Gerard ran his hand through his blackhair.

“Umm yea, I’ve owned the bakery for a while. It’s been afamily owned since the 30s.”

“Wow, that’s really cool,” Gerard said with a smile. Therewas something about him you really could not put your finger on. You just feltso comfortable with him.

“Are you excited for your show tonight?” You asked aftertalking about your bakery for a while.

“Oh yes, we have a couple new songs. You’re coming tonightright?”

“Of course! How soon do we have to go?”

Gerard glanced up at the clock on the wall. “Oh yea, weshould get going.”

You both grabbed your cups and headed out into the coldnight. As you walked down the street, you felt his hand brushing against yourstentatively. You glanced up and he glanced down shyly and took your hand.

When you got to the bar they were playing in, a line wasstarting to form out front and you both slipped around to the back.

“I got to help set up, so I’ll see you after the show.”

After the show, you found Gerard and he was grinning andfull of energy, as the show was just as energetic and exciting as the last one.He threw his arm over your shoulder and introduced you to the other guys in theband. After they finished tearing down their equipment, Gerard offered to walkyou back to your car.

“Thanks for the good time tonight Gee,” you said as youleaned against your car. Gerard had been much more confident about taking your handas you walked the blocks back to where you parked.

“Thanks for coming out, I’m glad you had fun,” he said,looking down at your hand in his, then looked back up at you. You bit your lipas you glanced at his and Gerard took the hint you were not so subtly sending. Heleaned in, pressing his lips softly against yours at first, until you reachedup and pulled him in a little more strongly and then he was wrapping his armsaround your waist.

You instantly felt a spark, the connection you felt fromback in the coffee shop solidifying even more. When you pulled back the look inhis eyes told you he felt the same.

“Wanna do this again soon?” He asked quietly. You nodded andsmiled at him. “Good, then I’ll call ya.”

“I’ll see ya around,” you said as you got in the car. Youwaved as he watched you drive away. But then Gerard did a double take. Heglanced at the rear-view window, he didn’t see you. His eyes quickly scanned tothe mirror on the door and again saw nothing but the interior of the car. Hechalked it up to the adrenaline in his veins wearing off, or the dim light. Butsomething nagged at the back of his mind that there was something else goingon.

~

The next night Gerard ventured back to the bar where he hadmet you. The bartender that was working that night was still behind the bar, dryingglasses when Gerard approached.

“’Scuse me,” Gerard said to get his attention.

“What can I get you?”

“Nothing, umm, I was here the other night, I was talking tothis girl and you said to be careful,” as Gerard spoke a look of recognition spreadacross the man’s face.

“Oh yea, now I remember you, she try to bite you?”

“No, what? No, that’s what I was wondering about. You saidto be careful around her.”

“Yea, she’s been coming here for years, never ages. Rumorhas it she’s a vampire.”

Gerard looked at the bartender like he was nuts, but his curiositywas piqued. “You really think?”

The bartender nodded. “Why not. I’ve seen a lot of crazyshit over the years. Why not believe in vampires too?”

Gerard thanked the bartender for the information and headedout, his head spinning. He was always intrigued by vampires, but he thoughtthey were the stuff of legend. Now this beautiful girl that he really wanted tosee again was supposedly one of them, and he was even more intrigued.

~

You and Gerard had been going out for a couple months nowand growing closer. After your first date, you felt like he was watching yourbehaviors a bit more closely at first, but he seemed to have gotten used to theway you lived. You noticed that unlike other guys you tried to date, Gerard didn’tinvite you out to eat, which really made life easier. You didn’t eat likepeople, because you weren’t people. In fact, you ate people. Not really,though. You had a friend at the Red Cross who brought you what youaffectionately called your juice boxes from their donated supply.

After another late night with Gerard, you had hurried home.When you got in, you saw you had a message on your answering machine. Pressingplay, Gerard’s voice filled the room.

“Hey, I just noticed you left your scarf here, if you want,I can drop it off when you open your shop up this morning. I don’t want you tonot have it when we’re out of town for a few weeks. Umm yeah, I’ll see youlater.”

A smile crept across your face as you changed into freshclothes. You didn’t need that scarf, but any chance to see Gerard again beforehe left town was welcome. You quickly called him back and told him to come tothe back door any time after 6 AM.

You went downstairs and set to work on the day’s baked goodsas well as a special-order birthday cake. You opened the store when youremployee, Martha, came in to work the counter. As you placed the finishingtouches on the top layer of frosting you heard a quiet rapping on the backdoor. “Hey, come on in,” you said opening the door for Gerard.

“Thanks, here’s this” he said handing you the scarf. Youtook it from him and with a glance toward the front of the store, pressed yourlips to his for a brief makeout session before redirecting your attention backto the cake.

“It looks great, you’re really good at that,” he repliedsitting down on the stool across the small kitchen watching you get back towork.

“Thanks, I’ve had a lot of practice. I should be done soon.”

The bell above the front door rang as a customer came in andMartha greeted them.

“You see sweetie, I used to bring your mother here when welived in this neighborhood” you heard a familiar voice say. It had been a longtime since you heard that voice, and it had aged.

You glanced up from the cake, and without meaning to, metthe old woman’s eye. She looked like she had seen a ghost.

“Lorraine? Is that you? No, no it couldn’t be, you haven’taged a day since we moved!” She babbled and you felt a rush of irritation andembarrassment wash over you. You glanced nervously over at Gerard who lookedbetween you and the old woman with a confused expression on his face.

“Oh, ah, no sorry, that was my Grandmother. She owned thebakery before me” you said with a smile.

“My goodness, I’ve never seen a family resemblance sostrong!”

“I hear that a lot, excuse me won’t you?” you said with awave before turning and hurrying down the stairs to the basement. You heard asecond set of footsteps behind you.

“Are you ok?” Gerard asked as you paced the dim room.

You hung your head as you stopped pacing. You thought enoughtime had passed, that you had changed your hair enough, your modern clotheswould disguise you, that you wouldn’t actually be in the store when someone recognizedyou from before, from impossibly long ago. But it happened. No one would give asecond thought to a doddering old lady thinking you were practically a twin ofyour supposed grandmother, but it unnerved you especially with Gerard there towitness it.

“What is going on?” Gerard asked again, placing his hands onyour shoulders. You looked up at him and sighed. May as well rip off thisbandage.

“I- I, didnt want to tell you because I really like you, whichsounds really fucked up and backwards, but,” you took a deep breath and sighed.“I’m going to tell you something, because I trust you. And you can leave andnever come back if you want but promise me you won’t tell anyone else.”

He furrowed his brows even deeper.

“You may have heard some rumors about me. And depending onwhich ones you’ve heard they may be true.”

“So, the rumors about you being a vampire?”

“Are accurate.” You stated and let your gaze fall to thefloor. Gerard gently placed his hand under your chin and tilted your face up tolook you in the eyes.

“My girlfriend is a vampire? That is the coolest fuckingthing I’ve ever heard!” He said with a grin before planting a kiss on yourlips. When you separated you laughed.

“I should have known you would react like that,” you repliedwith a laugh. “And I promise I will tell you everything, but I have to finishthat cake and you need to get on the road to your next show.”

~

When the band returned from their short tour up the coast,you as you found yourself outside Gerard’s apartment door, a wave of nervesrushing over you. You knocked and heard him on the other side before he openedthe door.

“Hey sugar, you’re a sight for sore eyes,” he said pullingyou against him, lips connecting. “You want anything?” he asked politely when you separated,shrugging off your coat.

“No thanks, I’m ok. How were the shows?”

“Awesome! We got some real fans coming out now.” Gerard saidleaning against the kitchen counter and you hopped up on the counter acrossfrom him.

“So I suppose we should have that talk now?” You suggested apprehensively.

“Yea. I was wondering what’s your tragic backstory?“

“My what now?” You asked, slightly taken aback.

“Ya know, you’re a fuckin vampire, isn’t your pastsupposed to be dark and tragic?”

“Listen, I’ve literally only been a vampire for like 40years and that’s because I asked to be one! I kinda fell in with a crowd thatreally knew how to party back when I was… really younger, and I didn’t want theparty to ever end and they gave me the opportunity to do just that. The problemI after about 30 years, I really was ready to grow up, or at least leave thatlife behind, but I was stuck. But at least I’m always gonna look like I’m in my20s. People pay good money for this and I got it for free. Well, free plus thecost of my humanity.”

“You’re the strangest person I’ve ever met.”

“Indeed I am. But you’re the one who asked me out,” yougrinned.

Gerard pushed himself up from the counter and crossed thesmall distance between you and put his hands on your waist. “(YN), you may be avampire, but I fucking love you.”

You gasped lightly then a grin spread across your face. “Eventhough I’m a sixty-seven-year-old monster?”

He leaned in and pressed a kiss to your lips. “You’re not a monster, you’re my monster.”

“And you say I’m the strangest person you’ve ever met. Haveyou ever looked in a mirror?”

“Have you?”

“Low blow, Way. Low blow.”

Gerard cracked up at this.

“Ugh I love you too, you weirdo,” you laughed, and he kissedyou again.

Masterlist

#requested #gerard way x reader #gerard way fan fic #gerard way fan fiction #my chemical romance fan fiction #gerard way imagine #pest-ill-ence #my chemical romance fan fic

[thotyssey]

On Point With: Cissy Walken

A rising star in the NYC drag scene, this vivacious queen sings, dances and makes us laugh. But pretty soon, she’ll be paying homage onstage to one of pop music’s most tragic figures. Thotyssey takes a hike with the fascinating Cissy Walken!

Thotyssey: Cissy, hello! Happy DragCon week! Will you be present at the Javits this weekend?

Cissy Walken: Hello hello! Yes, I will be! I’m working for Headcount.org on Saturday, getting people to register to vote and become more involved in their local elections.

OMG, you’re actually going to be doing something for the good of humanity and not just self-promoting! Have you found yourself being more politically aware / active in the past year, especially as a drag queen?

You know, yes and no. I think when I first started drag, I really wanted to be a political queen who cares about our dying planet. And I first started out with that focus at heart; it’s what made me create my Celine Dion mix. But recently, I think I’ve gotten really wrapped up in the throws of it all: make a mix, do shows, turn the party, get your coin. And while I love doing shows, I think its time to go back to Cissy The Politician.

Speaking of mixes, congrats on winning last week’s Open Call--the new weekly drag competition that Maddelynn Hatter hosts at the Ritz--with a particularly deft and funny one! You had live singing, lip sync, kooky choreo... and you totally dropped and smashed the mic, but you did it in a pretty seamless way and never stopped being entertaining while Maddelynn repaired it and handed it back to you!

Haha, oh yes! Thank you for that. I always try to remind myself to not drop the mic, but that night I didn't actively do that... which is why it probably fell. But the show must go on, and there was no way I was gonna stop the DJ. We drag performers work so hard to just get to that one moment in the night where we can perform, and I wasn't about to let a mishap ruin that for me. I'll always keep singing!

Rockstar! So, where’s your hometown... and were you always a performer of some sort?

I'm from a small town in the middle of New Jersey called Hillsborough. It's cute, but I had to get out. I didn't know it at the time, but I was really in search of a gay community that matches me. 

And it was there that I first started performing. When I was 3, I gave my family Shania Twain shows off her Come On Over album. And then in middle school, when I made the decision that sports would never work for me, I tried out for the school play and got the bug!

Do you have a favorite musical?

West Side Story. It's the ultimate musical (sorry, R&H junkies).

How then did the drag bug bite you?

So I was a good kid, and didn't go to the bars until I was 21. I had just moved to Astoria, and my roommate started talking about Drag Race, and so we would watch a few episodes... and of course, Gay Gay Me gagged over it. But then I started looking for drag shows around me, and I saw this queen was having a show in my neighborhood. So I stumbled into this dive bar; I wasn't carded (which to me is like... well, damn, I could have done this sooner), and Sutton Lee Seymour began her show. 

And as I watched her sing and tell jokes and stories, I started to realize, "Hey I can do this." As a young actor, I kept feeling like I never had the skill set needed to succeed in the business. And that was only partly true; I did get work, and I did a fair amount of shows for the amount of time I spent working. But I saw my potential in drag--I love music sung by women, I love clothing and costuming, and I love to create a rapport with my audience.

How did you begin performing as Cissy?

Well, first I went out in drag without performing, once. But I was like, "yeah, I might look beat, but I really want to get on that stage." I went to Look Queen one night because my bestie and I love to dance at the Monster, and did the thing. It wasn't great by any means, but totally a learning experience. And quickly, I started to hear from other girls that I should do this open stage and this contest. So I showed up. And when I didn't do well, all I could hear from more experienced queens was, “keep showing up.”

So for the first few months, I kept doing that until working three jobs and showing up to midnight contests got the best of me, and I revisited what was possible for me. But it was never a question as to whether performing was right for me. I just began to shape my life around my dreams as a performer instead of the other way around.

You remind me a little bit of Gilda Wabbit: you have similar looks, you're both singers and you both have this kind of feral energy... have you heard that comparison before?

All the time. It also didn't help that we were both Astoria girls at the same time. But whereas some girls would get threatened by someone similar looking with similar goals, she has always been kind and accepting towards me. She refers to me as "the dollar store Gilda Wabbit," which I hold close to my heart.

Ha! Well, you're definitely creating a different look for yourself. When I last saw you, you had a very exaggerated lip... and I understand that crazy nails are trademark of yours?

Well. I love nails but I don't wear them all the time for a couple reasons. If I have a reveal, then my talons don't work best for me because I'll lose them. The other reason is because most of my sets are all busted. But I'm not gonna throw out usable product, so I figure it out! Now as for my makeup, I definitely thought I painted my lips a little too big that night. But I've been pushing myself with my makeup to take risks and learn from them. And actually, since that night I've already learned new things about application and my own anatomy that are making my process easier with better results.

You recently competed in the first season of Iconic, a new drag competition that had several weekly preliminary rounds Icon. The competition seemed VERY challenging, I must say. How did you enjoy / survive the experience?

Well, I survived! It was very challenging, and I enjoyed the challenge overall... even if it has left me exhausted. There were moments from the show I really enjoyed, one specifically at the finale when the audience showed their love for a number about my Nonna. 

Ultimately, I did have a lot on my plate this summer. What kept me sane during it all was knowing that no matter what I was doing at one show, I had something else going on at another show.

That is comforting! So where can we find you in the next few weeks, before the big show?

I'm back at The Ritz on Friday [for the paid booking at Open Call that was won last week]. And I'm with Heidi Haux at The Duplex on October 10. But really, I'm putting all my time on this [upcoming] show right now.

Let’s talk about this show! First of all, tell us about your relationship with Amy Winehouse's music. Were you always a fan?

I first got into her when she became a mega star from "Rehab." I remember coming home from school (before I did theater) and watching TRL. “Rehab” was the number 1 video for so long that by time they got to it, they would only play, like, 15 seconds of it because we all had heard it so much. I listened to her album, but didn't (and couldn't) understand it as a single, social, sober kid. And I think the community I came from pushed aside her work because of her drinking problems. 

But I got back into her albums in college, after she died. And everything changed from there. The Lioness became the album I immediately associate with my first fall in New York. I would listen to her cover of "A Song For You" and had no idea WHAT those words were, but I still got every bit of the story. Here I am, this kid in a big city and her music spoke to the loneliness I felt.

So putting together a stage tribute to her must be a very cathartic and emotional process. How did the idea for Back to Life come about?

Well, it started with my original Amy number. I figured out a way to tell a story through her own music. And as I continued to dig into her own music, I saw how her experience informed the music, and her stories became so relatable to my own stories. So her music needs to keep being performed, so others who respond to it like I do have an outlet for it. Her story needs to be retold so that she doesn't rest as "The Addict" or her father's most cherished love... because her life and death were treated terribly. She needs to reign victorious, even if that's in her afterlife.

Well said! You will star in Back to Life at the Laurie Beechman Theatre on October 12th and November 9th. What can we expect from that show? Will you actually be playing Amy as you sing her songs?

You can expect that I will play Amy, but not for the entire show. We're working on mechanisms to help switch between Cissy and Amy, because I do want moments of third person narrative where I can relate her songs back to my own experience.

But I'll be singing everything! And I'll be doing the numbers I already do, plus a bunch of new ones. Which is pretty daunting to learn in such a short time, but such a great challenge and opportunity.

Sounds like we're in for a stellar showcase! Is there anything else that needs to be mentioned about it?

Something I need to say, just because this is my first time publicly talking about Amy, is that I hope people who knew her know that I do this act from a place of love and respect. She is one of my greatest inspirations, and I'd hate for her family to ever feel I maligned their loved one.

I think her family would be proud! Okay, final question: what will you be for Halloween this year?

High and drunk. If not, working.

We’ll see you out there one way or the other! Thanks, Cissy!

Check Thotyssey’s calendar for Cissy Walken’s upcoming appearances, and follow her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

On Point Archives

#onpointwith #cissywalken

[alwayssomuchrunning]

PAX 2019

October 12th 2019

I don’t normally write posts about conventions. But PAX this year is an exception! Holy shit, it was amazing lol!

Alright, so I had some main quests walking into PAX. These were:

Meet Former UFC Middleweight Champion Robert Whittaker. He happened to be attending PAX for the weekend, so meeting him was a must.

Meet a Twitch Bae (Wolfy) from WA who I followed a week prior to PAX LOL.

These two quests were of absolute necessity to pass in order for a successful con to be successful. I’ll be honest: I’m not much of a gamer these days (filthy casual!), and playing games and shit was more of a side aspect of it hahaha.

Meeting Robert Whittaker was going to be a real pain in the ass. One: he’s consistently on the move in a huge convention centre with a sold out capacity and not a stationary target. And two: he looks exactly like a normal guy. He’s not going to stand out like say, an Alistair Overeem or a Francis Ngannou. 

In order to find him, I had to form a squad. Me and two of my guys formed a team to find him, and had a group chat too lol. If any of us were to find him, we’d tell the group ASAP and then the person who found him would tail him so that the other members can tail him so we can meet him lol.

Anyways! After about 1.5 - 2 hours, I had a lead! The first lead I had (his IG story) had me find his location. Me and the boys full analysed the story lol, such as the texture of the floor, the surroundings; and we now knew he was wearing a red shirt, which made the search hella easier! Unfortunately though, we missed him by mere minutes LOL. FML!

Another full scale search of the convention center ensued... and we still couldn’t find him. We were about to give up. But then with me having his Story notifications on, I had another lead of his location. I sent it to the boys, and they quickly figured out where he was. Unfortunately, I was split up from them at the time. 

So my guys headed out to the location, while my other guy met me at an in between point to escort me to the location after confirming him as being present at the location (he was having lunch); as I had no idea where the fuck it was LOL. Anyways, we made a MAD run for it!

And what do you know! I FINALLY see Robert Whittaker! He’s a mad cunt, and I’m really out of breath but fanboying hard at him! I tell him that he’s a National Hero of Australia, a true inspiration to Aussies worldwide, a legend, a sick cunt, as well as Australia’s champion lol. I also told him about how hard me and the crew were searching for him lol. He had a good laugh and also appreciated me for the kind words.

He’s so kind! What a legend! Anyway - that’s the first quest complete! My only regret is that I should have asked him for a follow on Instagram lol. He might’ve followed me back if I asked him lol, as he’s a very kind guy, and the fact that I was trying to track him down for 3-4 hours lol. 

He might’ve especially followed me if I referenced it like a nerd, for example: “Hey Robert my man, is there any chance you could follow me on the Gram? I’ve been trying to find you for 3-4 hours bro, and it would be the ultimate reward for my quest if you could follow me on Instagram.” LOL. But it’s all good: I was really puffed out when I met him, as I ran full speed with quite a lot of equipment in my bag, as well as in sneakers lol.

Now for the second quest! Meeting up with Wolfy who I’ve been following (although not for too long lol). I easily find her location thanks to Discord, and then I meet up with her as well as other people who wanted to meet her lol. 

This is cool and all, but tbh, I really would’ve preferred to meet her 1 on 1 lol. This would allow me to get to know her on a more personal level lmao. So we all end up watching a WWE panel together (I really needed the rest as well so this was good lol I was mentally and physically exhausted from the mission to find Whittaker) which was nice. Then from there, we just walked around the convention for a bit.

I was getting a bit bored to be honest, as her attention seemed to be more towards people she was more familiar with lol. And I ain’t great at navigating through group social situations where I know nobody lmao. Although she did talk to me a bit, which was nice. 

So I just split up from them, but not before getting a nice solid hug lmao! I fkn love hugs from good looking girls lmao.

But more importantly, I asked if we could do a follow for follow on Instagram. And yay, she follows me now! She doesn’t follow too many people on Insta either, so double yay! Haha! I hope my posts and stories and shit I do in the future impresses her lmfao! Cause she’s a super nice and great girl! Hahaha!

...if she was Melbourne based, I’d totes be trying to date her. Not gonna lie LOLOLOL. Alas...

But yeah! What a great con! The mission to find Robert Whittaker was just pure comedy and fun, and meeting Wolfy (Twitch streamer) was cool too. She’s so cute, nice and awesome hahaha. I consider getting her to follow me on IG to be a win, as I can’t really talk to her too in depth in a group situation haha!

[comicteaparty]

May 6th-May 12th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from May 6th, 2019 to May 12th, 2019.  The chat focused on Chirault by Ally Rom Colthoff (Varethane).

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Chirault by Ally Rom Colthoff (Varethane)~! (http://chirault.sevensmith.net/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PDT), so keep checking back for more! You have until May 12th to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite scene in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. What moment of discrimination featured in the story really caught your eye in its portrayal? How do you feel about the Mage Guild’s reason about disallowing Kyrion like Teeko and Trillia from using magic in the face of these themes of discrimination?

Kabocha

Aaaah, it's been a bit since I read Chirault, but... Basically any scene where Teeko's being awesome... Bonus points if she's using magic, like on this page! http://chirault.sevensmith.net/?comic_id=642 As far as discrimination... Hm. I think the fact that Ridriel was willing to go through so much to become a mage was pretty striking. While the mage's guild really doesn't like Kyrion using magic... Hmmm. That attitude doesn't seem to be a completely firm rule, especially as they learn more...~ http://chirault.sevensmith.net/?comic_id=1095 I need to re-read my copies of the books when I get back home, though.

Delphina

Yeah, I'm re-reading mine now too!

I had forgotten about the page where Astrid steals the car but I love it: http://chirault.sevensmith.net/?comic_id=780

Kabocha

Ahaha, Astrid's honestly one of my favorites in the mage guild. "I see no problems here!"

Delphina

Astrid is so great. Just like "yeah, I'm just gonna do what I want kthxbai"

RebelVampire

i mean tbf hes not wrong

about the car one at least

Kabocha

I'm also partial to Ridriel -- she worked so hard to fit in and become a mage.

Delphina

I'd say the most blatant scene of demon discrimination was early on where Jim used the spice that made Teeko go rabid so he could justify killing Kiran (http://chirault.sevensmith.net/?comic_id=142) and then later when Kiran deduces he killed her parents this way. (http://chirault.sevensmith.net/?comic_id=152) Everything else stays on the "I'm sorry, we can't actually welcome you into this part of society" brand of discrimination, but it showed that some people were definitely willing to get violent over demons and humans mixing in society.

RebelVampire

ridriel is such an interesting character because of that. i think largely because she doesnt seem to regret it all that much and accepts the sacrifices she had to make to achieve her dreams. and that just goes so against the grain of what youd expect to see

Delphina

Another classic Astrid page: http://chirault.sevensmith.net/?comic_id=813

varethane

I enjoy every Astrid-troll scene XD (there's a picture floating around out there of Astrid and Kiran facing down, with the troll-face shopped over Astrid's)

also: hi!!!

Kabocha

Hiii! I almost wonder if there's a list of all the time Astrid trolled people in the comic-- But I feel like, not counting the mini comic (and the last couple chapters), that'd be nearly every page Astrid shows up in.

RebelVampire

no no

theres those pages at the end where astrid is passed out for a bit(edited)

you cant be a troll when youre passed out probably

its very sad

varethane

I'm sure if there were a way, he would find it

duskglass

(1) i can't choose a single favourite scene but the part where teeko falls through bethan is really cool visually, and i love the eventual sibling bond between kiran & teeko (and also every scene with kiran & vivian)

duskglass

(2) a lot of the early scenes with kiran also come to mind, how he's clearly resigned to not being trusted by average villagers, and constantly has to verify his identity & prove he's not a threat. and the contrast between ridriel and trillia shows how limited their options were as kyrion who wanted to also be mages (ridriel giving up her kyrion nature vs trillia going rogue)

Desnik

ohh already digging the cool character design, I'm only one page in too

varethane

Woo!

duskglass

(also i found that trollface pic!!)

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 4. What moment of magic use in the story did you like the most? What about how it was used or illustrated did you like specifically?

€heshire777

Astrid, for being Astrid

Delphina

I do love Astrid, but all said and done, I think Bethan edges him out a little in the end. I love the fact that she was just a guard in a backwoods town, compared to almost every other big super-magical character who was trained by the Hunters or Mages Guild, but she's still like "well I can hold a spear now 60% of the time so heck yeah I wanna mess stuff up with y'all!"

Teeko's got a bit of that too and of course she's ADORABLE, but since her perspective is more childlike, she literally doesn't have context to know what she's walking into when she's like "YEAH LEMME SET IT ON FIRE" and it's more about not wanting to leave her found family than going toe to toe with corrupt mages.

varethane

fun story, both Bethan and Astrid are Ascended Extras (I'm pretty sure that's the name of the trope)

I needed faces to fill a space in the plot, and then decided I liked them too much to just leave them behind-- and, oh, look at that, coincidentally there's a new-character-shaped hole in the upcoming plot....

RebelVampire

gotta love those convenient and totally coincidental character shaped holes

RebelVampire

1) my fave scene is the one towards the end where Ridriel and Trillia are fighting John has to come and break their asses up. http://chirault.sevensmith.net/?comic_id=1230 i always remember just feeling such utter tension from this scene because of their relationship. like the stake of the world is at hand and yet a sibling rivalry is what stands between the world being fine and the world exploding into a thousands bits. and i frankly wasnt sure if trillia could convince ridriel that nah she was there to help. and i love that even after they agree to work together, ridriel and trillia are still basically like "i hate you" to each other. and then john is there to be stuck in the middle like the poor sap. 2) i have to go back to what i already mentioned with ridriel. she is a fascinating character because she didnt let discrimination stand in the way of her dreams. and while you could argue the path she takes is horrible, the nuance to her feelings regarding it really gets the mind thinking about the nature of sacrifice and what elements of ourselves we choose to define ourselves by. As for the Mage Guild's reasons, I mean...I get where they're coming from. But I think Rune sums it up correctly at the end when he says "my dudes its magic magic in general is dangerous"

3) Heryan. Heryan is the character I wish I could be because she is calm, collected, and knows how to play political games like a master. And she's also legitimately working towards a better future and kind of putting her money where he mouth is. She is also a badass mage. And these are all things i can get behind and I would read an entire spinoff about Heryan. A close second is Astrid our resident troll mage because he's just a nice dude and I like his broship with Kiran. He adds an element of silly yet mage skill that the main party needed in their life. Plus, I just really love Astrid's design. 4) I really liked that moment when Teeko was going to cast the fire spell but then had her mouth covered to stop her. Cause it really showed that in her childishness she doesn't always think her magic through and, like a child, will ignore the wise sentiments of her elders. And I just think overall it's use, or non-use in this case, really hammered in just how much of a child Teeko still is because her comprehension for the situations around her are not necessarily the highest.

Delphina

Yessss I would also read an entire spinoff about Heryan, she's so excellent

Delphina

And yeah, Bethan does have the feel of an Ascended Extra, and I think what appeals to me about that kind of protagonist in a high-stakes story is they have much more freedom and agency. Kiran had Specific Things He Had To Do, Teeko had nowhere else to go, so they have to advance the plot by default. But when characters aren't so directly involved and get to CHOOSE to advance the plot, they get to have personal reasons for doing so and can embody all those cool "what if"s that are closed off to the core cast.

In a situation where you have an easy out, why do you choose to do the hard thing? That kind of character is so interesting to me!

varethane

That's a neat way to look at it! I enjoyed writing Bethan a lot, though if there were one thing I could change, it'd be to explore her anger a bit more in the lategame parts of the story (because boy has she got some haha)

(also, Heryan has always been my favourite character to draw XD THAT HAIR)

Delphina

Having just finished rereading my print volumes, I think my favorite magic is when Rupa helps Teeko cast the silence spell on Trillia and Ridriel to get them to stop fighting. http://chirault.sevensmith.net/?comic_id=1358

varethane

the first truly useful spell.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 5. What has been your favorite illustration in the comic so far? What specifically about it do you like?

QUESTION 6. What was a moment where a character was confused about themselves or life situation that you enjoyed? What about it was relatable, and what are your thoughts on how the character overcame that obstacle?

RebelVampire

5) http://chirault.sevensmith.net/?comic_id=1118 probably this page cause thats not only some beautiful magic, but i love the shot choices. i also love how jagged the magic kind of is and the amount of ill call them tendrils. cause it really makes the process look horribly painful and its an illustration that really made me go "oh shit" cause rather than kiran's shoes, i could put myself in teeko's shoes and understand exactly the horrifying crap shes seeing right now. 6) This one I have to give to Kiran for the whole Viraigo debacle. I actually am not sure I'd call it relatable, because ppl dont generally find out the truth as Kiran did. Yet, its the fact that its not that relatable that I enjoy. Because that just makes it horrible and it also puts you in Kiran's shoes. Cause like Kiran, you're asking who is he, how responsible is he for this mess, etc. And so even if you can't imagine it happening ot you, it's still a complicated and really thought provoking situation to be in. As for how he overcame the obstacle, I really loved the subtlety and kind of nonchalant way he handled it, for lack of a better word. Like theres no definitive him declaring "yeah I'm not Viraigo or this other person I am Kiran." It's just him kind of wordlessly accepting who he is/choosing who he is. Cause it kind of also gives the impression hes still gonna have things to work out over the years to come. But that's very true to life cause rarely do people just snap their fingers and come to a full grasp of who they are.

varethane

Re: Kiran/Viraigo, I'm really glad that impression came through! I wanted to avoid giving a definitive answer to the question of WHO he truly is, because.... identity doesn't really work that way, in real life you don't get an easy one-and-done answer. So I didn't want to wrap up that particular issue with a neat little bow-- the important thing isn't the answer itself, but his acceptance of himself.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 7. Which characters do you enjoy seeing interact the most? What about their dynamic interests you?

QUESTION 8. Who do you feel went too far and why: the Mage Guild for creating their destructive items or Viraigo’s group for trying to restore the natural order? What do you think the story says about the balance between progression and the natural order?

Delphina

I really can't put much blame on anyone except the Mage Guild here (and Jenneth in particular for murderfying people and setting fire to the library when he couldn't get his way). It really seems like if Viraigo's group got what they asked for from the beginning, they would have been happy to just release the big ol' katamari of spirits and end the spell on Arya that was keeping her a creepy crumbly living corpse. Now releasing the spirits didn't WORK and that was pretty ugly, but they realized it right away and wanted to fix it.

Tree Lady/Ria was unnecessarily extra, though.

varethane

spirit katamari!!!!

RebelVampire

“murderfying”

i approve of this word usage

RebelVampire

7) too many. too many Ridriel and Trillia because they have i think the most interesting and contentious relationship in the comic. That you want them to overcome their past issues and get along cause both have good points on where theyre coming from. Heryan and Rune because theyre like a dynamic duo to me and really compliment each others personalities nicely. Rupa and Teeko cause Rupa is the nice older brother type who just wants everybody to be happy and is willing to show Teeko how to make ppl stfu. Astrid and Kiran cause its troll vs. grump man which makes for hilarious shenanigans and interesting dynamics since they have to work together but also approach life very differently. Yet, they can come together when it matters. Bethan and Vivian cause I like how Vivian is like "Bethan probably should wear a mask" and Bethan is like "meh" and its like this weird pseudo mom daughter relationship that i can get behind and find truly endearing.

8) Uh, the answer imo is both. They both went too far. This story is literally a series of ppl saying, "What's the worst that could happen?" and then through their lack for foresight the worst was really end the world bad shit. In regards to progression and natural order, I think the story has a lot to say just in general that extremisim is bad. You go too far in anyone direction and you wind up hurting something that's going to be missed. Thus why neither side really won, because they both tried too hard for the thing they wanted. Additionally, i think the story says a lot about how our ideas of what's best for the world may actually not be the best. Thus why we need rules, regulations, codes of ethics, and so forth. Because there's a point we just go too far and blow up the world.

varethane

(Vivian will be everyone's mom if they let her.)

re: 8, it's funny because I didn't set out to make that a major theme of the story, but it is something I definitely believe in-- the importance of checks and balances. So I find it really cool that it comes through!

RebelVampire

QUESTION 9. What sorts of art or story details have you noticed in the way the comic is crafted that you think deserves attention?

QUESTION 10. Do you feel the others were right to forgive Kiran for Viraigo’s actions? Do you think Ridriel and Trillia will forgive each other? Will Trillia forgive the Mage Guild? Overall, what insight can you gleam about the theme of forgiveness from the comic?

RebelVampire

9) All them landscape shots. Have you seen them? They are amazing and like...nature looks like nature. And nature stuff is hard to do and yet i always felt very immersed within each space. Plus, there were so many just like...far back shots where you get to take in the scenery, and i feel like so many moments do these really just set a tone and the atmosphere for stuff thats about to go down. 10) Yes I think the others were fine to forgive Kiran. Cause at the end of the day what's the point of punishing something they don't even remember doing? Especially when said person did their best to help and make the world a better place. Plus Kiran feels more like...not Viraigo anyway. Like imo Viraigo is dead and all thats left are aspects of himself. And these aspects, while part of Viraigo, just arent him. I think Ridriel and Trillia will forgive each other, but i think itd be a while before Trillia would forgive the mage guild. And even if Trillia did I'm not sure she'd ever consider joining just given the long history of animosity. In general, the insight I gleam is that forgiveness is difficult and that even if you forgive, this doesn't always fix everything.

Delphina

Yeah, I think sometimes grudging acceptance and moving on with your life with what you got is about all they can do. I really want to see how Teeko's presence affects Trillia and Ridriel moving forward, because I think them having her future to focus on gives them the chance that they never had to affect demons' place in the world. I'm just envisioning both taking on Mentor Aunt roles and trying to show Teeko cooler spells than the other in escalating hilarity.

varethane

Those would be some fun little shorts! If I get some time maybe I'll look into putting something like that together

Mentor aunts hehe

RebelVampire

QUESTION 11. What do you think are this particular comic’s strengths? What do you think makes this comic unique? Please elaborate.

QUESTION 12. Which character’s growth/progression in the story is your favorite? How would you describe how they changed as a person, and what do you like about how they changed? What do you think we can learn from it for our own lives?

Delphina

I like how Bethan grew from a cool quiet fighter in a village to a cool slightly louder fighter who can fly and dissolve through walls. I too would like to be able to fly and dissolve through walls.

AshAngelV

Responding to 11, It's one of the few stories I've read that has a male and female mc that don't end up in a romantic relationship. I love their brother sister bond.

varethane

I three wish I could fly and dissolve through walls

And yeah, friendship stories that arent romancea are very important to me

duskglass

teeko is a child so one would really hope not xD;;;

tho the same could be said about all of the main cast! (we also have rune & heryan, kiran or astrid & bethan, etc) i really appreciated the lack of forced romance sideplots in chirault; it's really refreshing to see stories that focus on platonic relationships

RebelVampire

QUESTION 13. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

QUESTION 14. Overall, how hopeful are you for the world at the end? Do you believe the changes regarding non-humans using magic will affect the world positively? Will relations with the tree spirits be mended? How do you believe the characters’ lives wound up being?

Delphina

On a macro-societal level, I think the world's gonna be okay. With Heryan at the helm, I think the Mages' Council is definitely going to be trying harder to be more inclusive and less awful toward non-humans and the planet; she definitely seems to have hit it off with the tree spirits diplomatically so I see a lot of potential for progress there. The issues I see in the non-humans' future is that they didn't seem to have much societal organization or structure that we saw (though it was established that Kyrion lived and worked in the cities, so maybe some ambitious leaders would rise to the surface that way and advocate for more rights).

I'm really curious what Rupa would want to do now, because he wasn't a demon, right? The problem they had with him was that he was a multi-caster and could tap The Big Magic that others couldn't. How many other multi-casters existed, and how would their role change in society if Rupa decided to advocate for them? Maybe the tree spirits could teach them how to use magic more responsibly?

RebelVampire

11) i think the comic's strengths are its endearing characters who have just a lot of gray to them. nobody is just evil or good. ppl had their reasons for doing everything in the comic, and that makes for more dynamic and realistic portrayals. i think another strength is the character designs themselves as well. its just so easy to tell everyone apart, and a lot of everyone's personalities is within their design. 12) I have to go with Bethan on this one. She went from silly small town girl to victim to bitter and angry about her friend to forgiving to wanting to do more for the world. It was an emotionally rollercoaster watching her goes through all these things. Plus, its an interesting mix of choice and no choice. Cause while Bethan did make a lot of choices in regard to her path, the whole becoming incorporeal was more accident. She just learned to make the most of it. And I think that is something we can learn from it. That sometimes life says "I hate you," and is really mean. And sometimes the only way to get through it is to roll with the punches.

13) I still vote for Heryan side story. Or another epilogue montage just showing how everyone is getting along. Especially Astrid cause I support the Astrid, Heryan, Rune family unit. 14) I think the world will be fine for at least a time. Heryan seems to be reasonable and regretful of all the mages' past actions. And I think shell usher in a new era of peace with the tree spirits. that being said, everything is finite so it wont last forever. Especially if Heryan cant find a suitable replacement to her. But overally, all the changes will probably be positive, even if the amount of progress achieved in a single lifetime isnt as great as everyone would want. I'm just gonna pretend all the characters lived happily ever after for my sanity. Teeko probably became a great mage. Although I am kind of on the same page with Delphina where I'm really curious what became of Rupa. Rupa was always an interesting chara to me since he was always kind of mellow and was way less intense than Trillia. So Rupa especially should live happily ever after

varethane

The note about Kyrion society is something that I do wish I'd gone into more depth about in the story! I had a lot of ideas about it but could only show it in tiny peeks and hints because the plot was taking place outside of the cities

I hope the ending leaves people on a positive note, I wanted to show that people are working towards a better future (even if theres a lot of work to be done)

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Chirault this week! Please also give a special thank you to Ally Rom Colthoff (Varethane) for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Chirault, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: http://chirault.sevensmith.net/

Ally’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/varethane

Ally’s Store: http://chirault.sevensmith.net/store.php

Ally’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/varethane

Ally’s New Comic Wychwood: http://wychwood.sevensmith.net/

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #book club #bookclub #webcomic book club #webcomic bookclub #comic tea party #ctp #chirault #varethane #ally rom colthoff

[queenchrysalisrps]

[ooc] Ranting

That shit’s below the read more because I am a fucked up individual who is maybe a little bit tipsy and tired and depressed simultaneously.

my life’s shit, i’m stupidly jealous, and nobody cares, a rantpost. read more if you want i fucking guess you already clicked the link at this point and it’s all about me being a whiny bitch who nobody cares about

positive: ordered herbal testosterone blockers and estrogen boosters because the training we were supposed to get navy-wide on transitioning in the military had a due date of January 31st and it’s now almost a month later and we haven’t gotten it

here’s hoping i don’t get in trouble for that haha (spoilers: at this point I DON’T give a SHIT because if I didn’t start this then I’d probably fall even further down the apathy barrier and fail out of the nuclear programme, which is the only reason I’d like to be in the military at this point aside from staying away from moving back home)

trump is a shit as fuck president, rapist, dumbass, rascist, misogynist, transphobic, and basically using the american flag as toilet paper with his in-office state

there’s a handful of people I have mutual care for/about: -Lara’s my go to most days, best princess -Button’s a cute switch, but if I vanished I doubt she’d realize it -Amburro’s around sporadically these days -Chel has her own problems -i’m not sure how I feel about paul but he’s kind of precious -Audjob plays with other people a lot, acknowledges my existence but that comes close to -it- -and lauralai just came out from the abyss, went “i really like you and spending time with you, you’re kind of awesome” only to kind of do her own thing with other people instead

i’m quiet as fuck, nobody notices me, the only thing i’m particularly good at aside from being smart at this point is lying through my teeth unless i’m not serious about it at all

i’ve been trying to get a car for about a month and it’s finally about to happen con: another 6,000$ loan, around 200$/mo even through usaa for insurance

i’m moving into a co-worker’s apartment to set up a better way of getting to work since i have a habit of sleeping 4 hours a night during the work week; also 12 hour workdays of rotating shiftwork are literally satan

i feel unwanted by basically everybody, the people who aren’t straight-up apathetic prioritize other people way before they even think about me, i’m like a footnote cute girl

i never got below a 3.0 on a test before i joined the navy, now at least i know what it takes to be a genius (answer: complete social ineptitude)

i prioritize dumb shit, my life’s a mess, the navy is garbage, and the best thing that’s happened at all in my life so far is meeting a cute canadian girl

i went from public school in 5th grade to christian school the next, then back to public for 12th, then into the navy instead of staying home and going to college because i couldn’t take my parents at that point: which led to, because of the church’s doctrine, self-isolation as well as social isolation (aka different schools) from my gradeschool friends, who were awesome.

I miss Jennette, Molly, Aislinn, Maegan, Fernando, Miles, Langston, and the friends-of-friends situations I got into with them because those friends of friends were also fan fucking tastic. I miss the friends I made in 12th grade too, which basically includes the whole goddamn class because the school was bigger than the situation of “haha i’m the only one in the high school (11th grade)” by a margin of 40-50, + everyone was so great and it felt wonderful after transitioning from christian school to be around sane people again

nothing against christians, but sports and bible aren’t the only things that exist and if those are your main focuses in life you end up prty goddamn dumb and sheltered and overall a shitty human being from my experience

i’ve never cut myself but I sure have held objects that could close to my skin and thought about it

but then again

that’s probably why i’m completely starved for attention

sic: quiet; add: nerdy, kinky

i’m glad to be one person’s priority

i’m glad to feel wanted, at least in that respect

and it’s not like i outright burned bridges, i just let them fall apart

is that 6 year period to mean nothing in my life?

the things I learned since: transgender was what defined the odd feelings i had had for many more, following a religion is a lazy excuse for not trying to think about things too much (aka if the christian god were real i’d side with satan because that dude’s insane), i’d really like to write things but given success rates of authors it’s probably best to have a safety net, drugs will get you high, i am not a lightweight in terms of alcohol but 151 is some GOOD SHIT, i’m not emotionally dead but i have enough walls that the inside of my head is probably a hedge maze

if i do get discharged early, i’m just going to hit up my dad’s work through him and renovate my parent’s basement if they actually accept my “deviant” behavior.

if i don’t, then I’ll finish my 8 year contract- and yeah it’s definitely 8 years because even if electricians get the shittiest bonus that’s still 2 years for automatic advancement in rate that’s impossible to get off of just the test until you’ve got a year or so in the fleet; if I like it enough I might go reserves. regardless I’ll finish up the engineering degree and apply to civilian power plants and electrician companies, whatever it takes to live in washington because then I can make good pay and be happily close to princess, making enough $$ to save and retire soon after, staying fit and pretty and focusing on writing things from the world that’s been building in my mind’s eye for 5+ years now

i needed to write this down and it’s still not everything but it’s most of it

to include, “not everything” is largely “I don’t feel satisfied with the content of this post but it’s already so long” this is probably just going to be a summary of later posts on how fucked up my life has been from a personal standpoint

not to say that it’s the worst or anything like that

but it’s definitely not the best

i’m socially stupid/awkward and friends I’ve made in this program seem to keep being either in different spots than I am or being removed for various issues

also sorry not sorry for my first post on this blog in forever being complaints for far too long; that’s another thing i’m shitty at, because there are so many good muns out there that i practically abandoned talking to

#ooc #delete later #about mun

[coolpolarbear123]

Band Camp Day 7

I forgot that I haven’t made this post yet, I have classes tomorrow, it’s 11:03 PM, and I got out at 5:00 PM.

August 26th, 2018

10th Grade | 11th Grade | 12th Grade | This Year | Next Year | All

Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6

Whoa:

We had a picnic at eleven, then band officially started at two and went until five. It was a very short day.

So, you’re asking yourself. Why the heck is this post coming out so late if band was out at five?

Then you add: don’t blame timezones, you’re in EST and you just stated what time it was in the above statement

And to that I say: I got dinner, hung out with a friend, had a mandatory meeting, talked with my roommate/suitemates for a couple hours, then opened my laptop. So flip off.

I’m so hot and sweaty and have been so since band

First, some stuff I forgot from yesterday:

I have bruises on my knees from thigh slapping. They are still there. I will still continue to thigh slap.

Marching band tan lines have begun

We climbed a mountain yesterday, right? So like, one of the piccs did a highest thigh slap. What a moment. What a peak

When we were on the mountain, DI asked us how one of the piccs’ driving is. “It’s... cautious.” “When the seniors got drink last night, so-and-so went off on it, and then [DM] joined in. Apparently she’s super slow and will stop when there’s not even a stop sign?” “...yeah...”

The conversation got cut off because that picc player came over, but it continued today

Now for today:

One of the piccs sent a video in the group chat, and basically this dude is crying for help to this one person who has the same name as DI

DI: “If you guys say that to me when you’re confused, I’m letting you suffer.” SL: “And I’m going to pull out my camera.”

Another picc sent the weirdest infomercial in the group chat (the two of us were watching Australian Wipeout together, and it came on, and we immediately sent it), and now DI wants to recreate the video with thigh slaps

Another inside joke: saying “Hello” or “Hewwo” like the seagulls in Finding Nemo

EDIT: And another: naming every bug we see after the girl who left us for the colour guard

EDIT: And another joke: one of this piccs is 17, so we make a lot of “Shh there’s a child around” jokes

The rant about the driving picc continued. A lot of seniors hate her driving and will stab her. They keep asking DI to do something. DI can’t do something.

This band is super family-like. I wasn’t expecting it to be, and I was really scared it wasn’t going to be, but it is and it’s fantastic

I’m becoming friends with the other girl who has my name (though she pronounces it differently. She said she and the other one with my name were thinking about changing their pronunciations because I won freshman of the year, haha)

We were on the actual field today, which is indoors. This means there’s no air conditioning or wind. The entire campus doesn’t really have air conditioning because there’s no need for it. The winters are way longer than the summers

For all of my attempts to stay anonymous, I feel like anyone who took the time and effort into reading my posts could easily figure out where I am

Picc: “I’m feeling pale” Me: “Yeah, same”

(I’m not pale)

We ran through pregame. I messed up pregame. A lot.

We ran through halftime. I messed that up to

It was hot, okay?

I was dying

“My elbows are sweating?” “Did you just say swelling?” “No, sweating.” “Oh, I thought you said swelling. I was like: we don’t do elbow claps here, that’s be stupid.” *Does a thighclap*

Some of the piccs have a Taco Bell problem that I’m not going to get into

One of them went to Taco Bell for the second night in a row, brought two other piccs, and, well, yeah, you can take it from here

At the end, half an hour early, we circled up, and we applauded for some people (thighclaps for mom and dad)

(they laughed when I said that)

We learned who freshman rep will be on the Committee of Important Band People (That’s my name for it)

(This includes Librarians, the President, Historians, etc. I never went into detail, but it’s whatever. Maybe next year.)

The piccs did the wave multiple times

It

Was

So

Hot

I

Want

To

Die

I decorated my folder with a bunch of inside jokes, and one of them says “Let us die” in fancy font “(please)” “(...Just...)” “(...Do...)” “(...It...)” “(You know you want to)”

Many people would start laughing, read “die” then be like “WAIT”

I think SL is thinking about group therapy. We told her to bribe us with chocolate instead. She’s thinking about it

Anyway, band ended with us all going crazy at the fight song like normal, us dying of head exhaustion, like normal, and then yeah.

That was it, pretty much.

Librarian wants to frame my folder. There’s a ton of stuff drawn on it

I wish the piccs had a designated room only for piccs so that we could.

The group chat later had the seniors saying stuff like, “You guys are an awesome picc section and I’m so glad you guys came in during my senior year so we can end it strongly.”

People are still congratulating me on being freshman of the year

I tripped getting into a car this morning. Still don’t know how I did it

Piccs are just happy that we’re not last. We had first and second place.

DI is super excited. It’s her fifth year, so I understand why.

The colour guard was doing flips everywhere and I just wish I could

Don’t mind me as I try to think of everything I can add to this post

My friend, who goes to a different school, told me that he had a blast at his band camp, which was the week before mine. I told him I was scared that mine was going to be like his. The hours were long, I didn’t think I would make friends or that the band would be family-like

I was wrong, which is good.

I guess that’s it. I’ll edit the post if I think of anything else, but yeah. Freshman Year of Band Camp: College Edition complete.

Yeah. I survived band camp.

#cpb speaks #I promise I'll do links eventually #but I need time #I'll try to find time #But I have very little of it #CBC #2k18 BC Adventures #marching band #band #rant #band camp

[sashaloriene]

To Be Present Is To Be Alive

About two months ago, I felt the urge to pack up and go. No reason in particular, I just needed a change of scenery. I wanted a break from my surroundings and I knew it had to happen sooner than later. It was time for a new experience. On June 12th, I randomly thought, "I want to paint on the beach - and not just on any beach, one in or near Los Angeles, CA." I booked my flight, rental car, and Airbnb for LA within the next two days and found myself rushing to the airport to catch my flight (late per usual) less than two weeks later. Thank God for Chase Ultimate Rewards points! 

As I sat in the plane the morning of June 26th, wondering 'how did I get here,' I shifted my thinking towards what I wanted to get out of this trip. Would I get sad or dare I say, lonely? Would I wish someone else was here? Would I be able to meet new people? Would I be able to hang out with my friends? Would I be able to enjoy my own company away from home if not? I realized I had no itinerary. So many thoughts ran through my mind. It got so overwhelming that I finally promised myself to live in the moment during this impromptu trip - not to dwell on past or the uncertainty of the future. This trip was so spontaneous, as I had no plans for the week aside from meeting up with three people at some point and potentially painting a mural. So regardless of what happened, I was going to roll with the punches and accept what was in store for me each day at a time. And what would you figure, it worked!

Everyday in LA was sporadic and memorable. I got to spend time with one of my cousins who's been in LA for school. On my first day, we hung out with her friends on the beach for some girl time! We had food, drinks, books, and of course I painted lol. We even saw 3 dolphins playing by the shore, which I heard was rare for that beach. It was awesome meeting her friends. It felt like Sex In The City LA style for the day! Bougie, merry, and black girl magic lol. They definitely reminded me of my girlfriends back at home. All of them were well in touch with their purpose and actively helping their community in one way or another. Her friend Amirah even has an awesome podcast called Living For The Weekend, where she and a fellow black millennial woman living in LA talk candidly about their life experiences as they work to make everyday feel like the weekend. Dope! Seeing fellow black women being their own superheroes (or super-heroines, I should say) and sharing their experiences will always be amazing to me. You have to keep your squad tight, motivated, and encouraged. 

My second beach excursion was also amazing. I picked a random beach I found that a blog post described as a "getaway" so I could paint with little to no distractions - just sun, waves, and paint supplies. I wanted to be present and take in the experience and the scenery. A friend decided to join last minute so we headed to Leo Carrillo State Beach in Malibu. As we climbed down the mountain towards the actual beach area, we decided to take pictures of the view and found ourselves in deep conversation about life - the stresses of school/the education system, the importance of mental health and wellness, the complexities of just being a 'responsible' adult, the realization of not fully knowing our next moves, and the ideal career/lifestyle we actually want. You know, the usual hour-long girl talk! Then this woman and her gorgeous dog (a young mostly black German Shepard) walked by. Being the dog lady that I am, I just had to pet her dog but the woman instantly gave me chills for some reason. Although she was nice and friendly, I couldn't figure out what it was about her until she shared her story. We soon found out that on the morning of my 23rd birthday, she was in a horrific accident and flat-lined, but ultimately survived. We all talked for about 15 minutes about how she found purpose in life through this accident - finding people and reassuring them that they are on the right path. She left us with the following words of encouragement: "Yes, to all of your hopes and dreams. Yes, you deserve love and adoration. And yes to whatever you were just discussing. Do it." Needless to say, my friend and I were stunned lol. Isn't it crazy how timely the universe brings people together?! Oddly enough, things like that often happen to me so I was glad to share that moment with a friend. Now I have proof that I'm not crazy haha! So thanks for stopping by and sharing your good vibes Cassandra M. Bauer. You're presence was noted and appreciated. We heard you! Fate had its hand in that moment.

On my last day in LA, I got the opportunity to help paint the first BLACK GIRLS WHO PAINT mural. This was truly one of the highlights of this trip! After I booked the trip, my friend Shak, an awesome LA graffiti artist, proposed doing a BGWP mural in the The Graf Lab (TGL) Space on Washington Boulevard and Normadie Avenue. I was a little apprehensive at first because I haven't painted a mural in years and this would be my first time seriously attempting to spray paint. Painting with a can uses a completely different technique than painting with a brush for sure. But of course, Shak wouldn't have me giving up before I even tried, so he encouraged and ensured me that it would be not only a great mural, but a great experience, as well. So we put some sketches together and the magic happened! I knew it would be dope, but I never saw it going so well. He introduced me to Trauma (a local graffiti artist), Pooh (a local BGWP), and Dominic Jones (a local photographer/cinematographer who captured the experience and work can be found here). Everyone had such great energy. I learned a lot about spray painting. I never pictured myself painting a mural without a paintbrush and there I was, trying new things and loving it! I even got the opportunity to join TGL as one of the first female artists and have been planning, sketching, and practicing ever since.  Check out the photos below!

By the end of the trip, I was pleasantly filled. With what? I'm not quite sure, but filled with whatever I came there for and a lot of it. I met up with a cousin, a friend from high school, and an art friend I met back home. I painted on the beach TWICE, met dope creatives, learned how to spray paint, sketched my next tattoo (super excited), and did some crucial self evaluation on areas I need to change and/or grow. I also affirmed a few things about myself. I realized that to be present is to be alive. I had so many smiles on my face every day! Being around other creatives tend to unlock something in you and open you to new perspectives. As much as I was surrounded by awesome vibes, I spent more than half the time by myself - sketching, writing, planning, and exploring. Those moments were also perfect. Not one moment did I feel alone even though I was by myself. Even though I enjoyed my own company, I was never truly alone because of the company I chose to keep, whether new or old, near or far. I never felt sad, down, or out-of-place. I stepped out of my comfort zone and accepted things as they came. In a way, I made a new environment my home, at least for the time being, and it felt good - so good that I forgot to take photos most of the time haha! Time flies when you're having fun right?! Check out a few pics below!

So yeah, I can't lie, my trip to LA was nothing short of amazing! Living in the now is pretty sweet too. Cheers to being alive cultivating your own vibes!