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genderqueerdykes · 6 months

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all trans people have unique struggles. trans men & transmasculine people are allowed to talk about the unique struggles, erasure, and visibility problems that we face without being distracted with another trans person's problems. we all have the right to discuss the problems we face.

for a lot of transmascs and trans men, we face complete and total invisibility. despite being being assigned male at birth first, then correct to female afterwards, i legally have to tell doctors, lawyers, and so on that i am a female-to-male transgender person.

when i met with my disability lawyer last month, i had to explain this to him. throughout our meeting, he continuously referred to me as a trans woman and could not grasp that my legal first name had not be changed to reflect me becoming more masculine from transition- he was convinced I had already changed it to my "preferred name".

throughout our entire hour session, he never caught on or understood, even after seeing my beard and asking if it was from me taking testosterone of my own free will. he still referred to me by my dead name and called me a trans woman, miss, ma'am, and so on.

i have faced this problem with more than just him, but he is a good example of the problems we face. the average person has no idea trans men exist. if it's not this, many of us get called butch lesbians or tomboys. people have no idea transness includes transitioning into manhood and masculinity. people do not understand that afab, female-adjacent intersex and other similar sex variant people can be trans. and it's infuriating.

we don't exist in the eyes of most people and it is a problem. it doesn't decrease the amount of discrimination we face, it only makes it worse, because we are struggling alone, in the dark. listen to us when we talk about being excluded and erased. we aren't just talking about on the internet: it's serious, it's real, and it's deadly.

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carolyn-magazine · 1 year

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Misgendering.

Just don't.

Misgendering is the act of using the wrong pronouns when talking to or about someone. Example: Susie uses he/him pronouns. You would misgender him by saying, "Susie is such a great knitter; she knows so much." Saying "Susie is such a great knitter; he knows so much" uses Susie's correct pronouns.

I know it can be confusing, but if you pay attention to the pronouns someone uses, and if you don't want to purposefully hurt them, you'll be okay. What if you aren't sure which pronouns someone uses? Ask them. They'll be thankful you did!

Have you ever misgendered someone?

I'm sure a lot of us have have mistakenly misgendered someone. I'm guilty of doing it at least twice (that I know of 🤔) and I still remember both times. Several years ago I was on the phone with someone named Brooklyn (a customer service agent) who happened to have a higher pitched voice. I felt horribly when he corrected me, but I didn't go overboard with my apology, and I thanked him for correcting me. Don't judge a book by its cover!

Another time I was chatting with my tumblr friend @kat-eleven about Elliot Page when he came out as trans. I initiated the conversation with Kat because I was so happy for Elliot Page, and after she replied, I literally misgendered Elliot Page in my next message by saying "I'm so happy for her!" Thankfully, Kat immediately corrected me! I felt like a total idiot, but I learned my lesson to pay attention to the words I say.

Have you ever been misgendered?

I'm sure it's happened to some of us while on the phone with someone we don't know, e.g., a customer service agent, a realtor, etc., and they make an assumption based on our names or voices and use "sir" or "ma'am"; opposite the gender with which we identify.

How did it feel being mistaken for the opposite gender? Did it bother you, but not enough to say anything? Were you distressed enough to correct the person? I guarantee you at least noticed when it happened.

Now that you know how it made you feel, think about how it would affect a trans person. Trans people suffer the effects of gender dysphoria every day, and being misgendered greatly exacerbates the effects associated with gender dysphoria.

Gender dysphoria is the sense of unease that a person has because of a mismatch between their biological sex and their gender identity, e.g., assigned male at birth but identifying as female. This sense of unease can cause intense anxiety, leading to depression, and having a harmful impact on daily life.

Per an article by Shannon Imani on the website justleadwa.org, "Misgendering is harmful in that it can have detrimental and long-lasting effects on their mental health." Additionally, "It denies a person the autonomy to determine and outwardly express their gender, whether it was done unintentionally or maliciously. Denying a person their autonomy is a form of violence and coercion. At a basic level, it highlights the power dynamics between cisgender and transgender people, who is allowed to enforce how they should be referred to, and who has the power to make another feel lesser than because of their gender." (Shannon, 2022).

This isn't to say cisgender people (gender matches their sex assigned at birth) are the only ones misgendering others, because they're not; transgender people do it as well. I've been misgendered by a few trans people and they each realized what they did and corrected themselves.

I'm trans and I am misgendered quite often, mostly by coworkers...three coworkers, to be specific, and I've corrected them each time. It's been five years since I started my transition and they're still doing it. It hurts and gender dysphoria kicks my ass harder each time it happens. I think five years is more than enough time for anyone to not mistakenly misgender someone. It's to the point where I'm close to looking into a transfer to an area where no one knows me.

Please, please think about the affects it will have on others and be aware of the words you say. :)

Thank you.

xoxo

Reference:

Shannon, Imani, Jan. 18, 2022, The Importance of Not Misgendering Someone, www.justleadwa.org, https://justleadwa.org/2022/01/18/the-importance-of-not-misgendering-someone/ .

#misgender #Misgendering #trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia+#nonbinary #genderqueer #enby #trans pride #trans umbrella #gender dysphoria #anxiety #depression #mental health #trans rights #trans rights are human rights

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6knotty6thotty6 · 1 year

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My Coming Out Story

Now that my long journey of education has come to an end. It's time for me to take the next step in life. Part of that step is officially coming out as aromantic asexual and non-binary. Art done by the incredibly skilled @DiscountMothman. Please follow and support them.

Full Story down below:

I'm AFAB (assigned female at birth). I've never felt gender dysphoria or gender euphoria. Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I feel nothing. I was born with a deep voice, so people would call me "sir" whenever I ordered food through drive-thrus. I never got offended, but I know it wasn't right. I still never felt the need to correct them. I only felt awkward when they'd be proven wrong about their assumptions when I collected my food. I have a naturally curvy body, so no matter what I wore, people in public would call me "ma'am" or "miss," and I still felt nothing. On other social media platforms, I use a male-coded name and use he/they pronouns. It was initially for the sake of keeping my privacy (and avoiding unwanted creepy messages), but the more I kept doing it, the more I started liking it.

From when I was born to 5th grade, I was a stereotypical girly girl. I only wore princess dresses, and everything I owned was pink. Now, as a 24-year-old adult, I could care less about presenting feminine. If I have to dress up for an event, I wear black pants and a plain cardigan. I also realized that my "girly" phase was mostly due to my mom's influence. She always wanted a perfect little princess to dress up like a doll. She loves luxury brand fashion and accessorizing. She always got mad when I bought my clothes from Walmart and Goodwill instead of Dillard's and Nordstrom. The only times I wore makeup and earings was when my mom took me to a photo studio for my high school and college graduation. She loved the pictures, but I couldn't recognize myself.

CW: Mentions of eating disorders

Another reason why I never identified with being a woman is because I've never been thin. Thinness and woman have been correlated with one another for centuries. I've never been thin. I was never unhealthy, but I've never had a flat stomach. My parents were always bothered by that. My stepdad always betrayed me, saying that I was ugly, no man would ever love me, and I was doomed to die alone. My mom always put me on various diet plans that she'd see on tv: Slim Fast, Garcinia cambogia, Atkins, etc. I tried presenting as more feminine in high school, but that just made me more miserable. It also didn't help that I didn't have any friends.

CW: Brief mentions of sexual assault

I never really "felt like a woman." I know the concept of womanhood has a wide range of plasticity, but it still never felt completely right to me. For the longest time, I thought it was because I've never been sexually assaulted, sexually harassed, or discriminated against for being a woman. However, that wasn't right because I follow a few AFAB artists who were victims of sexual assault, and they still identify as non-binary. Also, being a woman isn't about suffering.

CW: Brief mentions of racism and female anatomy

Race also plays a major role in gender identity. Black women have historically been simultaneously oversexualized, dehumanized, and denied of their womanhood. However, I was never denied of my womanhood. If anything, I was treated too much like a woman. I developed breasts at the age of 9, so I had a lot of male attention growing up. At first, I'd be flattered when a boy said he liked me or I was attractive, but that feeling would immediately turn into uncomfortableness. I liked being acknowledged for looking good but not being pursued romantically or sexually. This is what clued me into the idea of being aro-ace. Even though I don't necessarily like having large breasts, I also don't feel the need to get breast reduction surgery.

I've never been in a position where I could question my gender, nor do I have any friends I can confide in. That was until now. Thanks to so many wonderful streamers I've discovered, I was able to get some clarity on my own gender identity for the first time in years. I've aslo befriended so many amazing and supportive people who I know will never judge me based on my identity. The more conversations I had about how neither male nor female pronouns felt right to them, the more things started making sense about me.

In general, I never think about my gender. However, I don't mind male pronouns because I tend to lean toward more male than female. That being said, when I look in the mirror, I don't see a beautiful woman, nor do I want to see a handsome man. All I see is me, and I love me.

#gift #giftart #furry #furryart #dragon #dragons #scaly #scalyart #demon #demons #aromantic #asexual #nonbinary

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rasazys-ramblings · 11 months

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Sorry for the rant/vent (whatever) but I feel like Tumblr is the only place I can turn to to talk about my problems, especially related to gender and sexuality, without someone I know making fun of me

I still remember my two day field trip for orchestra. On the second day after our concert, we got to go to a hot spring or walk around the area. There were two any gender changing rooms, but only one was open. There were six of us, including me, standing there, waiting to change out of our concert attire. I knew everyone waiting. I am an introvert who doesn't know anyone except my friends and the kids that the teachers always call on.

We stood there and waited for about half an hour to a full hour, I can't remember clearly, waiting to change. One transmasc, four non-binary, one demiboy. It was terrible seeing everyone having fun, but us stuck waiting for each other and taking turns using one changing room.

Sometimes I forget how much it sucks to be any gender other than a male or female in this world, and it sometimes makes me wish I was a straight, cis Asian woman, but I'm not. I don't want to be. But looking through everything, I no longer feel comfortable being nonbinary, omni, ficto, abnosexual, or aegosexual. But that's what I think I am, and that's what I've been trying to accept, but society won't let me and it keeps reminding me, along with my parents, my entire family, that I can't be, and I shouldn't be any of those. Everything is she/her, he/him, male, female, brother, sister, man, woman, ma'am, sir, it's driving me crazy and it makes me wish I never found out about other genders or sexuality, it makes me wish I never found out about lgbtq, and sometimes it even makes me wish I fucking discriminate people who weren't their assigned birth gender, and it's terrible because I don't want to be, and I literally cannot make myself be one, and it makes me sick knowing that this world has made me think that at all. I feel like no one should ever think that. No one should ever have to think any of that. It's disgusting.

I'll never, never forget the time when I was at a friend's birthday party and my mom asked how many boys and girls there were. I told her how many, but added how a few people were trans. She instantly started using correct grammar and punctuation. She never does that.

I also won't forget those times at the dinner table when I asked my parents, "Are you okay with gay?" "Are you okay with trans people?" etc. and how they said they were okay with it, but proceeded to say something that completely contradicted their "yes". Or maybe I just remember a time they were being phobic. Yeah, they might not realize it, but it's made me afraid to talk about it around them.

I wish it was easier to accept who I am. I wish it was easier for others to accept who they are. I wish society could be more friendly to us. I wish there were more people whose families supported us and their children, and could understand us better. But no. They can, the could, but they won't.

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gatheringbones · 3 years

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["Yet the social narrative that males are offenders and all females are potential victims contradicts my lived experience, and that of many others— whether female or male, trans or cis. I was assigned female at birth, but my victimization has been primarily at the hands of women, not men. I am not male, yet I have been treated as a potential sex offender countless times because of the perception that I am a man. Existing surveys and studies about rape and sexual assault do not even ask the kinds of questions that would need to be asked to get at these issues; the assumption is that women are the victims of heterosexual males and would never have cause to fear the presence of another female. Hence, the essentialist arguments about keeping "male bodies" out of bathrooms and locker rooms designated for women, even though it is not genitalia that is responsible for rape or assault, perpetuate the misogyny, sexism, hegemonic masculinity, and extremely faulty notions of the performance of manhood that are at the core of this behavior. There is no logical basis to fear being sexually victimized by a stranger in a public restroom, regardless of their biological sex. It is a myth that strangers commit a large portion of violent and sexual offences: approximately 88 percent of sexual assaults and rapes are committed by known persons, i.e., friends, spouses, family members, and acquaintances. Limited, binary understandings of gender, masculinity, and crime hurt us all.

Due to advances in both the physical and social sciences, we can now say with certainty that sex and gender are not binary categories, but exist on a spectrum similar to sexuality. Many scholars and philosophers now recognize that gender can be broken down into three distinct components: physical sex characteristics (i.e. body hair, tone of voice, genitalia), gender identity (one's internal sense of self), and gender expression/presentation (i.e. clothing, hairstyle, mannerisms). Each of those components exists on a spectrum and includes an almost infinite variety of combinations of traits, attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors. However, our laws and social institutions continue to detrimentally focus solely on biological and physical sex characteristics, rather than the expression and presentation of gender identity as masculine, feminine, androgynous, or otherwise, which actually dictate our daily lives.

What is sorely missing from our public policy and social discourse is the process of gender attribution that occurs in each and every human interaction. We rely on audio and visual cues presented in the form of clothing, hairstyle, mannerisms, facial hair, tone of voice, etc. in order to determine whether the person in front of us should be addressed as sir, ma'am, or otherwise. For the most part these cues are implicit and culturally recognized proxies of otherwise invisible physical sex characteristics. It is in that usually subconscious task of attribution, and in consequences, that the impetus for criminal offending and the risk factors for victimization can often be found, especially for genderqueer and nonbinary persons.

The surprised, confused, or angry women that I encounter in public facilities respond as they do because, to them, my short haircut and nonfeminine clothing styles are external indicators of a male physical form, implying strength that can overpower them and genitalia that can be used as a weapon against them. It is my masculine presentation and the attribution of male/man made by others, not my biology or even my identity, that protect me from unwanted attention from straight males, attracted confused gay males, and trigger fear or anger in many cisgender women. It is the attempt to categorize my gender into one of two invalid options, made by those I come into contact with and share space with, that determines my experiences and necessitates a survival strategy for going to the restroom.

Genderqueer, agender, pangender, gender fluid, bigender, androgyne, etc.— those are all nonbinary gender identities that need recognition; but the words alone reveal nothing about how an individual presents to and interacts with those around them. When we discuss gender and develop laws and policies concerning it, we must take into account not only physical sex, but individual identity, expression, and the social process of attribution."]

Jace Valcore, from Just Genderqueer, Not a Threat, from Non-binary: Memoirs of Gender and Identity, edited by Micah Rajunov and Scott Duane, Columbia University Press, 2019

#jace valcore #trans literature #lesbian literature #gender stuff #cw assault #wasteland radio

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genderfluid-red-paladin · 3 years

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I wish I could go into the men's bathroom when I'm feeling male, but I haven't came out and I feel extremely unsafe to do so in my state. I feel like a fraud going into women's bathroom when I clearly know I don't feel female at the moment, I usually don't.

Normally, I feel like I don't belong to either binary gender, and feel like telling cashier's, etc, "please don't call me ma'am/miss. I'm not female," but I'd probably be misgendered anyways regardless.

Just because I look like the gender I was assigned at birth doesn't mean I am always that.

Can I even say I'm constantly misgendered when I haven't even come out fully yet for safety and personal reasons? I'm tired of letting people believe I'm cis.

#gender fluid #non binary #serious post #lgbtq+#bathroom safety #personal #dont rb #tw misgendering

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jettison-my-gift · 3 years

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It looks like the UK Government wants to put restrictions on gender-neutral loos (at least i think that what this page is saying, it’s written in a very inaccessible way) please if you have a moment read the page and send an email to the link at the bottom telling them why it’s BS. Gender-neutral loos are so important for trans people we need more of them, not for them to be banned or whatever the government is planning I’ve put a copy of the Email I sent below the cut if you need any ideas for talking points (don’t copy my email directly tho because it’ll get marked as spam and they won’t read it) thank you so much for taking the time to help if you can, or just sharing helps too. thanks :)

To whom it may concern,

This webpage sounds an awful lot like the government wants to put a ban on gender neutral loos. If that is the case then you'll be damaging more people then you'll be helping. The page reads "In recent years, there has been a trend towards the removal of well-established male-only/female-only spaces when premises are built or refurbished, and they have often been replaced with gender-neutral toilets. This places women at a significant disadvantage." I fail to see how this is the case. Gender neutral toilets tend to be individual cubicles with stronger walls and locks than most gendered loos, the idea that women won't have access to facilities for their "particular health and sanitary needs" is ridiculous, as of course gender-neutral loos would contain these facilities. Women wouldn't be less safe in gender-neutral loos, as already stated, these loos are strong individual cubicles, and let's be honest if a man was despicable enough to want to harass women in loos there is literally nothing stopping him for just entering the "women's loos." People building these toilets should obviously take into consideration things like queue length and would thus plan accordingly and instal the needed number of cubicles. The queues for "Women's loos" can already be so unbelievably long that making toilets gender-neutral would probably actually help this as more cubicles would exist.

It's incredibly important to acknowledge why such facilities are so necessary. Single fathers with young daughters often struggle to find places to use the loo, of course a man can't enter the women's loos to keep his daughter safe while she uses the toilet, it is also understandable why he might not want to take her into the men's loos. After that what choices are they left with? gender-neutral loos would be the easiest solution to this problem. Of course this is just an example but the same line of thinking can be applied to other scenarios. There are many reasons why people of different genders may need to enter the toilet together but don't want to use up the disabled loo (eg different gender young friends who are scared to get separated, a women looking after a physically sound but mentally unwell man, or a man looking after a physically sound but mentally unwell woman, a family with many kids of different ages and genders who doesn't want to split up in a place they aren't familiar with, the list goes on)

Of course we are yet to even mention the elephant in the room and the reason I fear these suggestions have been put forward in the first place: Transgender people. Did you know that trans people have a higher rate of urinary tract infections and kidney issues then the general public? mostly because they find themselves scared to use public loos, so instead "hold it" causing real physical harm to their bodies. Trans people are often faced with a difficult decision when it comes to using the loo, either use the correct loo, the one that matches their gender, or use the wrong loo that matches the gender they were assigned at birth. Both these options can be scary and dangerous for the individual involved. Imagine, if you will, a trans woman, she is a woman and as such should be comfortable to use the ladies' loos. However if she doesn't look 100% like society expects cis-women to look then the other women in the toilets may call her out, verbally abuse her, or even just give her awkward looks, all of which aren't fun when you just what to use the loo. But if she chooses to use the men's loos instead, looking and dressing like the woman she is.. well you can imagine how that could potentially be worse. Trans men could have similar issues, using the men's loos would be ideal since they are men, but if the other men misread the man in question as a woman then he could experience some unpleasantries, likewise he can't really use the women's loos as we've already established: men just walking into the women's toilets is.. frowned upon, to say the least. All of this applies to any individual who doesn't fit society's expectation of what a person of a specific gender should look like. I've even had some butch lesbians tell me that they are sometimes scared to use the women's loos because people occasionally mistake them for men. And it's important to remember that not everyone can fit into the category of either "man" or "woman." Non-binary and Intersex people exist and finding toilets to use can be even more stressful to them. I myself am non-binary, and people read me as both a man and a woman, I can have one person call me "sir," only for another person to call me "ma'am" not 20 minutes later. I'm scared to use the women's loos in case the women in there read me as a man and feel uncomfortable, but likewise I'm scared to use the men's just in case I'm read as a woman! finding a gender-neutral toilet is a real life-line to me. Sometimes if I see a gender-neutral loo I'll use it even if I don't need to, because I don't know if and when I'll find another one. For all trans and gender-nonconforming individuals, gender-neutral toilets are so incredibly needed, we even have apps where we can tell each other where the nearest gender-neutral loo is, because sometimes for trans people the choice is: pee in a gender-neutral toilet, or don't pee at all (and then maybe get a urinary tract infection)

I hope this all counts as "evidence" as to why cis-people and trans-people alike are benefited by gender-neutral toilets, and I sincerely pled that you not only don't ban gender-neutral loos but instal more of them.

also: "signage should be clear, and should not seek to avoid the use of gender-specific language unnecessarily as this causes public confusion." Is a very concerning statement, it sounds like people are making efforts to include transgender people in their signage and you want them to stop. Acknowledging and including trans and non-binary folks is undeniably a good thing. Does it cause public confusion? or does it just force people to think about how gender might not be as black and white as they've been led to believe? Making people recognise gender diversity is a beautiful positive movement, and I see no reason why it should be stopped.

#uk #uk government #uk politics #transgender #tw transphobia #tory bullshit #ugh #i hate my government #please reblog and or send an email. then you can go back to blogging about Destiel #thank you

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genderqueerdykes · 1 year

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Things commonly asked while questioning one's gender

Here are some questions you may ask yourself if you are in the process of questioning your gender; if these questions have occurred to you, or create a dialogue or reaction in you, you could possibly have an experience that falls under the trans* umbrella. PLEASE note that NONE of these are REQUIREMENTS for being trans- people have asked me to lay out some basic questions you can ask yourself or a checklist and this is what i've come up with so far:

Does being called by my birth name bother me? would i be happier going by a different name of a different gender or a different name somehow?

Do the pronouns assigned with my birth gender feel inaccurate somehow? would i be happier if i changed my pronouns? does the gender marker assigned to me on licenses and IDs bother me or feel inaccurate?

Does the way other people address me affect me? does the way other people perceive me and assign gendered terms and roles to me in passive conversation bother me? does it bother me that people treat me like a "man" or "woman" when that's not how i feel? does it bother me when people aggressively call me sir, ma'am, lady, man, sister, brother, etc.

When engaging in roleplay or thought exercises, do i find myself naturally envisioning myself as a different gender, or creating characters of a different gender because it feels more safe, natural or comfortable to me while doing thought exercises or fantasizing? do i find that it comes easily to me to put myself in the shoes of another gender, perhaps even moreso than my agab?

Do I find myself relating to one gender moreso than others whenever I engage with fiction? do I find that I wish I could be a lot more like characters of a certain gender ? Do I find that it's easier to project myself on to characters of a different gender?

Do i feel trapped, uncomfortable, upset, irritated, or freaked out when other people comment on how feminine or masculine i am? do i feel like they are wrong in how they see me? do i feel uncomfortable when separated by genders with my peers? do i feel alienated when assigned to be partnered up with one gender but more at home with another? do i feel as though i'm forced to use the incorrect gendered spaces like restrooms?

Would i feel better or more free if i tried to look for different clothing? do the clothes i wear now feel wrong, restrictive, uncomfortable, or in some other way like they are not mine or do not suit me?

Do i wish my voice were lower or higher? does my internal view of how my voice should sound match how it does, and do i feel like i should change that to feel more comfortable and safe, or more like myself?

Do i wish my body were different in some way? does my internal view of how i look match how my body looks? is there something that's wrong or makes me feel uncomfortable? is there something that would make me happier if i changed it, like my musculature, fat distribution, facial structure, hair growth, and so on? do i feel as though something is missing, or needs to go?

Do I feel as though the genders described to me by others just don't fit? do i feel as though i just cannot fit into the boxes of male and female? do i feel as though no matter what gender i try to identify with , it is still inaccurate? do i find that i have an experience with a gender, but it's nothing like how most other people describe their experiences?

Do i wish that i could have more freedom in my presentation and identity? would being able to change my identity on occasion be more beneficial to me? is it too difficult for me to nail down an exact identity and it would be easier for me to identify with a more nebulous term like genderlessness? do overly rigid pre-defined genders or presentations make me feel trapped or left out?

Would i feel more comfortable if i were the one defining the terms i identify with as opposed to other people assigning them to me based upon how i look, sound and act?

Do i feel as though it is not possible for me to be cis no matter what way i try to present or which genders i identify with?

Do I find myself naturally looking up to gender non conforming, trans, nonbinary and other queer people in general? do i find that the way they go about presenting their genders and interacting with gender makes more sense than how cis people approach gender?

this is not an attempt at a diagnostic tool, nor is it required for you to experience ALL of these things, or even most of them. every trans person experiences something different. i'm presenting a list of common questions people ask themselves while questioning their gender. we will continue to add as we think of things

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transadvice · 3 years

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how common is it to feel "i wish i was afab, but don't necessarily wish i was female"? i realize i can simply go with non-binary, but in pretty much every aspect i look and feel like simply a cis man. obviously questioning one's gender is a pretty big sign that they are NOT cis, but i don't feel like a woman or relate to traditional expressions of femininity. i just find myself longing for something that is unattainable, i.e. being afab, but since it's not possible, shouldn't i just give up?

No, you shouldn't just give up. I think there is plenty for you still to discover. What I see in your letter is a trans or nonbinary person at the darkest moment of pre-transition. The future is murky. Your desires are unclear. The status quo is clearly unworkable, and alternatives seem impossible. This is a super common forest to get lost in, but it is not your forever home. You will get through it. We should acknowledge that for many trans people, a population with ten times the national average suicide rate, "giving up" means giving up on life itself. I don't know if that's what you mean by giving up, but in case it is, I urge you to stay alive a little longer. Hope is coming. If what you mean is "give up on having gender feelings and be satisfied with being cis," I don't know of an effective way to do that. Many trans people have tried. It doesn't tend to stick. I do think it is really common for trans people to wish they were assigned another gender at birth. That would certainly be a lot easier than being trans! Probably most of us have that thought at some time or another. Even if you feel that being trans has shaped you and made you who you are and given you a great community and an invaluable perspective, etc., sometimes you just think, "God, if only I had just been assigned female [or male]."

That doesn't mean that transitioning isn't worth it, or that since you weren't assigned female, you can never experience womanhood, feeling feminine, enjoying your body, living a feminine social role, having curves, being soft, etc. You can! I think you may be surprised how much euphoria, joy, and healing you can feel in the process of transition. I will not lie and say that it is always sunshine and rainbows or that once you begin, you'll never have dysphoria again, but I do not want you to write off transition as "probably impossible and unsatisfying" before you even try. I spent a lot of my life feeling like, "Well if I could choose, I would choose to be assigned male, but since I can't, I'll just be the best woman I can be." I wish I could tell myself, "You know, you can choose, now. You know, you can want things. You know, you don't have to resign yourself." I've also spent a lot of time thinking, "If only I looked more naturally androgynous, I'd probably try to pass as male sometimes, but since I'm stuck with an obviously feminine figure, I guess that's a message from the universe that I shouldn't try." I wish I could tell myself, "It's not a message. It's random. People with different-shaped bodies aren't 'succeeding at androgyny/masculinity' more than you. You can change the shape of your body."

How you look isn't destiny. How other people perceive you isn't destiny.

You also don't have to "feel like a woman." Maybe someday you will, or maybe you never will; maybe you're some flavor of nonbinary. Or maybe transitioning would change how you feel; for some, having feminine body attributes and being perceived/treated as a woman comes before feeling "I am a woman." At any rate, you don't need to feel like a woman in order to not be a man, or in order to justify exploring what transition might look like for you.

What would be different if you were AFAB? I am seriously asking, not in a rhetorical diminishing "gender is a construct and nothing would be different really so just stop having feelings about gender" way. If you imagine your life now, had you been AFAB, what would it look like? Maybe you wouldn't have a very traditionally feminine expression; you might dress in a tomboyish, butch, or masculine way, but you would still be considered a woman, and people would treat you as a woman. It might be similar to, or different from, the way you dress now. Your body would have a different shape. People would call you "she" and "her," and use language for you like "that lady," "ma'am," "sister", "daughter". You'd likely have a different name. What would your name be, do you think? What do you wish/hope it would be?

So, here's the first step of my five-step plan for translating "I wish I had been assigned [x] at birth" to a transition plan: imagine. Spend some time sketching out the Alternate Timeline AFAB You. That's right, write some science fiction. Be detailed. Be mundane. Walk through your imaginary day. What's your routine? Be expansive. Don't edit yourself.

Step two: identify which parts of this fantasy are most interesting and important to you. What makes you feel goosebumps, in a good way? What parts do you want to linger on? What parts do you long for? What parts do you not care for so much, or you're unsure about, or you actively dislike them?

Step three: Now that you have a list of specific desires, you can start to think about their feasibility as transition steps rather than as alternate timeline fantasies. Probably you have listed many things that are perfectly possible. So, which are they? Don't think about whether they would be easy or hard, or start raising objections such as "But I have a business under my current name," or "That would require major surgery," etc. We're just talking THEORETICALLY possible. Think "What would it be possible for a trans person to do?" if you can't think about yourself doing it yet.

You may need to do some research to find out what is possible through surgery and HRT; I have often found that questioning people are surprised or misinformed about the possibilities, and/or that they purposely prevent themselves from learning because they're afraid. Step four: Action plan. Now think about YOURSELF doing these things. What needs to happen in order to make these things possible? What are the obstacles in your way? Your brain is likely to come up with a lot of arguments and objections, some of which will be legit but surmountable, and some of which will be absurd. Writing them down can help gain perspective on them rather than just feeling like, "Ahhh, it's all too much." For many items, you may not know whether they're important to you or not. This is not necessarily a list of "things to definitely do," so much as a list of things you might be interested to try, ideally with a spirit of playfulness.

You cannot be assigned female at birth, and, I want to acknowledge that that is something to grieve for. Transition and gender experimentation/play can't 100% counteract that grief. But it can bring you so much joy, if you let it. I think that it can do more than you think.

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wylthefluffer · 5 years

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Hello

7/26/2019 3amish

***TRIGGER WARNING*** ANXIETY, GENDER DYSPHORIA, DISABILITIES, ANXIETY, FURRY, CHRISTIAN, NON-BINARY, TALK OF TRANSITION, TRANSGENDER, MENTAL HEALTH TALK, DEMIROMANTIC, PANROMANTIC, ASEXUAL, MOGAI

Hi, I'd like to introduce myself.

My name is Wyl. Pronounced just like "Will". My birth name has a "y" in it which I have always been fond of, and I like the idea of being called Will, but would rather make it more androgynous I guess, so I'm adding that letter in to substitute. It just makes it feel more familiar.

I am non-binary. The way I'd describe my gender is kinda MOGAI-y (no hate towards them, you're fine), and j don't know if anyone wants hear it, but I guess I will see what happens? I am like... There's the female side, and the male side, and they're like, orbiting each other kinda like a moon and a planet. So feminine lunar energy and masculine Mars energy, right? So basically I feel like my gender is another planet in the solar system. Not super far away, but distant enough. Kind of like a small star orbiting a big star. I feel my gender, but I don't feel a big connection to make or female. I'm not a gender, because I still feel gender. But at times I'm so far away I can't even see the moon and Mars. I'm setting else out there. What, I haven't discerned yet, as most non-binary people describe (at least Frome the ones I've met) this middle feeling between the two binaries, but never used the word "bigender", which is what I thought that was. Or there are non-binary people who describe being so removed from gender themselves that they call themselves "agender" or "demigender". I just don't feel like I'm there. I feel like I'm on the opposite side of agender, and male, and female. I just have to find time to research more descriptions I guess? I've heard of the neutral gender thing, and that's great, but I don't feel neutral either. I feel very biased towards something, that isn't in any of those categories.

I do experience dysphoria. I experience it with my chest, my curves, my hair. I dissociate from my reflection in the mirror as not really me, or I hide from it. That and photos. I hate photos. I have pretended or tried being a guy before. When I was little I would play the guy in games. One time I thought I was supposed to be a guy. A few times I wanted to pee standing up or a different way from boys or girls. I would play outside with the hose and put it between my legs (I know, I know) and say "I'm peeing!" knowing that's what boys did (kinda). I even once tried to walk around without a shirt on, and got yelled at for it. But things associated with male genitalia and pretending I had it made me feel icky too. When I realized I was gonna grow a chest, I was confused, then nervous, and then mortified when it started happening and I had to wear bras. I wanted to hide so badly and couldn't until after I turned 13 and my mom let me choose baggy clothes. I still felt uncomfortable because I didn't know any clothes that would make me feel better. I became self conscious about my chest, and my voice, which I wanted to be mid-range. But I knew I didn't want to be hairy or a deep voice, so I wasn't a boy. I hated being called "lady", "ma'am" "miss" or "woman". "Girl" wasn't much better either. I just felt this fear and uncomfortableness towards gender. Female chests, male groins, naked people. Just ew. I've always disliked my groin area, but I found out quickly I didn't want a male groin. Atm I don't know of any other options. So yea, a lot of things. I knew males didn't have to be masculine and females didn't have to be feminine. I wanted to be called a tomboy because it was the best I had and my mom said I wasn't a tomboy, which angered me. I guess she rather thought me either just a girl or something else that only could be called girl as that's what I was born as. It was not good.

My pronouns are... Ze/Zir/Zis/Zimself - confusing, I know. Me too, but I am more confused by she/her, he/him, they/them. I guess if I'd have to choose one I'd go with he/him?

I am asexual. This was my introduction to the lgtbq community. I realize I might be when I was 13/14ish but really began to take it seriously around 15/16. I then began to officially go by it at 19/20 and my friend group accepted it pretty well.

I am demiromantic. This means, for me, I only understand romanticism when I'm in the mood for it, and it's usually an intensifier of platonic relationship stuff, with exclusive companionship. I am attracted to masculine leaning people, and non-binary people. I get along with them better on a relationship basis. I currently am single.

I am also panromantic. "But how does that work!" I heard you saying. Well, "demi" is something that refers to half, or partial association with something. The part of me that associated with romanticism is panromantic. Why? Because I am romantically attracted and can form crushes on non-binary people. And considering non-binary is a collection of multiple distinct alignments, I count this attraction I feel as towards multiple genders. I do not feel romantic attraction to females at this moment. Being around them sometimes intensifies my dysphoria so that doesn't help? Maybe if I get top surgery I'll feel better.

I am a Christian. I believe in God and that he made you and me, and he made people whose brains and bodies didn't match in gender sometimes. There are intersex people after all, which is where the body is mixed up, so why can't there be people whose brains are messed up? There are even trans-intersex people who were assigned one gender at birth and identify as something different. I don't think people born this way are mistakes, I think it's a chance God gives us to help each other and express love and understanding. It's more a challenge than a curse. And that's okay. This world can be terrible, but that's because of Satan's influence. It's not God's fault people don't accept you. It's people's fault for not accepting you, and Satan's fault for tempting them. God wants you to beloved and to give love. "Love thy neighbor as thyself". This means if you accept yourself, and overlook your own flaws, then be tolerant and do the same for your neighbor. And if you're not loving yourself, and you're treating people the same way you're treating yourself, that's not okay either. To the best of your power he needs you to spread that love. That's the only way we'll make it.

I'm a Furry! Yep! I like to make anthropomorphic animal characters and get art and merchandise of them. I also use them online as a persona, as it's more comfortable for me. My main Fursona is Ridley, who is just like me. I'm a fursuit maker too, a decently popular one in the sense that I have a lot of commissions. I'm still working on them as I am behind ;-;

So I'd like to explain why it took me so long to come out as asexual, trans, non-binary, demiromatic, and panromantic. I got sick when I was 15. What with? GERD (stomach thing), POTS (heart thing related to nervous system function), and what they think right now is fibromyalgia (like a nerve disorder causing pain and cognitive issues). I also finally got diagnosed with anxiety at 18, and went on medication which helped control it. My GERD was cured, it flared up twice. My POTS and fibromyalgia won't stop though, and I've developed PTSD from years of isolation from people (social anxiety), unhealthy relationships, and social hardships and emotional hardships suffered from being sick. POTS causes me low blood volume, tendency to dehydrate, high heart rate, low blood pressure, and spontaneous panic attacks which are caused by an adrenaline release in response to the heart doing funky things. I can't control it, and I have no medication for it right now. The only thing that I've found to help sometimes is sedative antianxiety medications (which they won't give me for risk of dependancy) and medical marijuana, which is legal in my state. I get high sometimes to control my anxiety, and this is only just this week that I started. It's helped a lot as we just moved again and I can barely cope with moves anymore.

I have a Service Dog for my disabilities. My doctor approved it last year after I asked if she thought it was okay I got a dog and trained it as one, and she agreed it would be best. So I did! I am working with a private trainer, and owner training. I actually have researched the topic of Service Dogs a lot and federal Service Animal laws, so youcna ask me questions. Ty, my SDiT (Service Dog in Training, because he is learning tasks) is 20 months old. He's medium sized, almost large, slightly smaller than the average golden retriever but bigger than a border collie. He developed a natural tendency to alert to panic attacks, light headedness, migraines, and to key in to my anxiety. He goes with me almost everywhere now and his tasks are medical alert and physically contact. Physical contact is a task in this instance because it helps my nerves calm down, helps overstimulation, helps anxiety, and keeps me from dissociating and I have him within reach to pet if I need to stim ("stimulate" an action that someone uses in order to focus, deal with stress, or manage attention). I am waiting to see a therapist for PTSD, gender dysphoria, and possibly autism. If I seem a bit disinterested, it's because I do develop special interests, which is one clue that may mean I am autistic. We'll see. One of my special interests is friendship.

So yea, that's me. This'll give you an idea on what you might see in this blog, if anyone actually wants to follow me. If I don't answer, I'm likely working, having anxiety, or sick. Don't feel bad.

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advice4smartgirls · 6 years

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👫👫👫 pt 1)hi so I think I'm agender but I'm not sure and I need help figuring it out. I generally feel like gender should exist and it's a real concrete thing that exists and for me being labeled as a women is only because of my appearance and how I was raced. On the inside I feel like it doesn't matter and that I'm nothing. Neither gender because gender is only a concept based of preconceived notions of ideals of how a certain gender should act. Like boy vs girl clothes, toys, ways of

👫👫pt2) of acting etc. when people call me a girl or ma'am I can’t help but feel a little upset about it because I don’t want to be perceived that way. I don’t like people deciding to treat me a certain way or act a certain way to me because I look a certain way. That being said I do look like a girl and do like “feminine” things which makes me seem like a girl. But I also like masculine things, which isn’t weird for a girl to do but I guess I just don’t feel like I’m specifically only a girl?

👫👫pt 3) I just kind of feel like a human and that’s it and I don’t think gender should affect how people see or treat me and it makes me upset and uncomfortable sometimes. I don’t like that I can’t be shirtless and how guys make remarks to be about how I dress when it would be fine for a guy. Only my one good friend knows these feelings I have and she’s very understanding. But I really want to know who I am and if I’m agender or what’s going on. I don’t want it to seem like I’m doing

👫👫pt 4) it for attention or to be special and I’m afraid of telling my boyfriend and other friends I have. It seems like it’s something that’s gnawing at me though constantly I’m thinking about it and wishing I could tell people close to me. I’m just tired of being perceived as a girl. My boyfriend is straight so I’m a little worried about what he would think. So I’m just wondering how I know who I am or if I’m agender or does this sound like something else? And how would I

👫👫 pt5) does this sound like something else? And how would I go about telling my boyfriend and others? Thanks

Hey, love. I’m non-binary/agender (and was assigned female at birth) and what you’re describing sounds very similar to a lot of my experiences/definitely sounds like it fits the definition of being agender. Not feeling like you have a gender and not wanting to be called “girl” or “ma’am” are two pretty common things to feel when you’re agender. Some people are born pretty certain of their gender identity/knowing they’re trans or non-binary etc. But for others, it can be a bit more uncertain, and that’s okay. To this day, I’m not really sure if being non-binary is something I was born as or if it’s a choice I made or some combination of the two, but I’m okay with that. When I decided to come out as non-binary, it was because I’d though about it a lot and realized that identifying as and living as a non-binary person would make me happier. I still wasn’t 100% certain when I did come out, but I decided to just do it, and I became more confident about it as time went on. Also, I think I also probably “look like a girl” (whatever that means) to a lot of people, and that’s okay. So much of our society is still so heavily invested in preserving the gender binary that it’s really rare for people to get perceived by others as truly androgynous all the time. It’s okay to still have some “feminine” things about you and be agender.

Coming out to people can be hard, and not everyone may understand at first. But anyone who truly cares about you will at least want to learn more about what “agender” means to you and will respect your gender identity even if they don’t fully understand it. I’m glad you have a close friend who already knows how you feel and is supportive – it’s okay to ask for some extra support from her when you come out to other people. There’s no right way to come out, but I would kind of just say what you said in this ask here – tell people that you’re agender and then explain to them what that means to you and tell them what they can do to support you (such as not referring to you as a “girl” etc.) You could also come out to people over the phone/via text message etc. if that would be more comfortable for you. If they’re confused, and you’re comfortable doing so, maybe let them ask you some questions, or if there’s a website or article that you find that explains agender in a way that makes sense to you, send them that so they can read more about it. You could also ask your supportive friend to help you explain if any of your friends are confused/ask her to be there when you come out to them if that would help. Basically, this is about you, so you should do whatever will make you most comfortable! If you’re nervous, maybe practice what you want to say by yourself/in a mirror/with your friend. Even though your boyfriend is straight, even when you come out, you’re still you, and hopefully he will be able to see that you’re still you, that coming out as agender just helps you be yourself more authentically and to be more happy.

Much love,

Sophie

#anon #mod sophie #gender #agender #👫👫👫

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