#'my perception is skewed and I should not listen to my broken brain'

[solstinky]

TW: SA and ptsd related rant below the cut. mostly venting into the void so please skip unless you Really want to take a peek into my broken psyche. probably really rambling and sloppy too

base context for anyone unaware reading this, i was in a weird "situationship" with a best friend for years, starting at the end of high school and through college. to make it short, she was manipulative and sexually assaulted me a few times, and i didn't really see it for what it was until a new friend gave me a massive wake up call and snapped me out of it. my perception of reality was so skewed i didn't even recognize that id been raped, it just seemed normal and like i was being difficult. and aside from one moment of hyper sexuality to poorly cope after, i haven't even kissed anyone in like 6(?) years because of the damage. context done on to the current rant:

i've been listening to audio roleplays and smut for a while, partly to make up for a lack of affection and partly for sexual reasons (especially because it's fairly niche and self produced, so it feels a lot more ethical than shit like porn). but i've noticed the stuff that i 'enjoy' the most is like... cnc, rape, being taken advantage of, that kind of stuff. and not like,,, fully aggressive and violent, but more so manipulative and pushing boundaries. which i know isn't inherently a bad thing, sexual fantasies and kinks aren't inherently wrong and there's nothing wrong with exploring those in healthy and consensual ways. but there's a part of me that feels wrong for it? almost like i should know better than be into something like that after going through the harsh and traumatizing reality of abuse. but at the same time it's kind of empowering? like im doing it on my terms, im the one who wants it and is actively seeking it out. plus i have a lot of fear of re-attempting intimacy, because im afraid of the small chance i might break down in the moment and freak out. and imagining a scenario where someone is taking the lead entirely, its kind of reassuring in a weird way? i know the obvious conclusion is that there's nothing wrong me with for these kinks, and that i need to just keep working through my ptsd to get past the guilt. but i can't help but feel like im a bad victim in a way? like i shouldn't deserve to be considered a victim the same way someone else is, because im being a gross little pervert who likes a controlled and safe version of something so horrible. like i said i know this is all part of the healing process and that i need to shed this guilt complex, but its just hard. my rational brain knows it's okay and potentially even good for me (taking control over my trauma, rather than letting it control me), but its just hard to actually be normal about it

anyways ptsd sucks, i've been celibate out of fear for years, and i will likely never be the same again. but that's okay, eventually i'll be good enough. and odds are i'll just have to learn the hard way that im fine. like i might be too afraid to actively try to date or have sex, but if something ever happens organically i probably won't freak out at all and will realize i've been worried about nothing. idk. odds are slim since i would have to hit it off really well with a stranger to trust them, or id have to have a friend suddenly be cool with casual sex, neither of which seem super likely, but who knows. i mean knowing me, the fucked up thing is ill probably have the best odds of being comfortable enough to try something if i'm really drunk or something, which is a pretty messy grey area. idk life fucking sucks but we push through and we make the best of it, despite the horrors

#probably deleting later

[aflyingcontradiction]

You know, you can give people advice for decreasing their misery and increasing their happiness without also telling them their brain is broken and their perception of the world is fundamentally wrong. And I’m going to go so far as to say that you can and you should, because that shit is rude and condescending. And if you don’t care about being rude and condescending, consider that it’s probably not all that helpful either. I know for a fact I’ll listen to someone’s advice a lot more if they respect my mind while giving it and I doubt I’m the only person with that reaction.

And no, going “I know a broken brain when I see one ‘cause I’ve got one too” doesn’t make it any more okay. It’s your prerogative to be mean to yourself and hey, if that’s what actually helps you, maybe it’s even the right choice for you. Still doesn’t mean you get to be mean to other people!

#opinions: I has them #I can already feel that this is going to be my next dead horse to beat #But I literally just saw a post purportedly trying to be helpful but telling the person they were trying to help: #'Your brain is broken'. #And I've recently come to the conclusion that not only do I find that obnoxious #but viewing myself that way has literally never actually HELPED me find better ways to cope #Quite the opposite #So I have resolved to instead listen to my brain weasels and try to figure out what it is that they need that I'm not giving them #and if I can actually give it to them #which doesn't always work but has had MUCH better rates of success than just going #'my perception is skewed and I should not listen to my broken brain' #my babbling