#'oh and then my crew was drafted and driver was killed and the other engine didn't last war austerity maintenance. sooo that's been that.'

[mean-scarlet-deceiver]

Traintober Day 13: “Lonely” (D5702, D5714, and Crow)

Oh, the Metrovicks think they have problems? Well, they do in fact. But now they’re about to get hit with the heavy. Call it perspective. 

Snippet only. The tone isn’t really all that bleak, but nevertheless:

tw: death, mortality

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

D5702 and D5714 had no idea what the orders were supposed to mean. They supposed they couldn’t possibly be as bad as some of the other engines gleefully predicted… at least, they put up a good front of dismissing all this as rubbish.

Their drivers were not much help. They spoke basic, too-ready encouragement, about how they were to be reunited with their whole family all in the same place, and to have their motor problems fixed once and for all.   

It sounded nice… but they were still losing the work they loved. During such a period is never the one to ask an engine to hunt silver linings. On the contrary, they were starting to develop considerable skepticism about the chances of them ever catching a real break. 

Then, too, D5714 had also caught their northern-end driver applying for a program to train staff on a new model of ‘Deltic’ diesels.   

So the brothers went unusually quiet, even for them. Naturally, their last week went smoothly as silk. It always did seem they were able to perform well when it made absolutely no difference.   

Their last day was spent showing the new Derby-Sulzer locomotives around, and then they had to give up their night train to them, left in the dark on a siding next to Crow. They were told kindly enough to rest for the next day’s journey, but after a whole day in idleness they hardly expected a simple run to Barrow to tax them. It was just as well. They doubted they should have slept, even if their motors had been turned off, and they had been free of Crow’s presence.   

Not that Crow seemed particularly crowy. There was not even a single I-told-you-so.   

“Well, hummers, I s’pose this is good-bye,” she said calmly. “You know, don’t you, that you’ll never be returned here? I hope your shop sorts you out proper, and you get another shot at service. But don’t hold out any foolish false hope to come back on the Condor.”   

“That,” said D5702 coldly, “remains to be seen.”   

She gave him a tired grin. “I reckon I was three years old once, too. It’s nice, when you still know everything. Well, maybe so, Metrovick. Maybe so. You have a look in your eye there, sometimes, Oh-Two—I’d stay out of your way. Anyway, the only thing I know for sure is that this is good-bye. Maybe you’ll come back. But I am going to die tonight. I’ve made up my mind to, you see.”   

D5714 and D5702 exchanged baffled glances. Then both their expressions closed off. They had already been the butt of far too many games and tricks in their short lives, and now by instinct they sealed themselves away, as Crow chatted on quite unhurriedly.   

“I’m sorry you two will have to wake to it, for you are decent lads, and I reckon you’ve not seen a dead loco before—at least, not seen one you’ve known alive. It’s a bit of a fright, the first time…”   

(Both the brothers got flashes of half-built and half-dismantled engines and ships from their workshop days... and with their motors running they couldn’t help a quite visible little shudder, as they eyed Crow warily.)   

“But I’d rather do it with you two than alone, or among fresh strangers,” Crow went on, untroubled. “And I reckon I’ve the right to be a little selfish, on the night of my own death. You just remember that it’s not as unnatural as it seems. It’s not unnatural one bit. What’s unnatural is when they condemn a loco before they come to the end of their life… that’s more convenient for everyone, but it ain’t natural, even when they do their best to be kind about it, and make sure the engine is quite out and unconscious… ‘s humane enough, I s’pose, but it’s not near so natural as letting the spirit depart when it’s good and ready. To say nothing of all this scrapping mania lately! Some of it is done in such a rush, you just know they can’t really be… well, anyway. Myself, I think I’d rather suffer but have the thing done quickly, anyway. But this is the very best way of all, and I’m going to get it. Tonight. I can tell, somehow. I’ve laid hold of the trick of it, I reckon—it’s not really about me ‘moving on’ at all. It’s really about me staying put, and letting the world turn on without me. That’s the trick of it. Less about moving… more about stopping. I’m all right with that. I love the world tonight, d’you know that? I’ve had a grudge against it for years. But tonight I’m awful fond of it. I’m just not… curious. I just sort of know it will get on all right without me, and I reckon my ego has finally recovered from figuring that out. I almost like this whole big world too much to stay in this silly little body. Maybe I’ll lose it all—but maybe for once I’ll get to see it all proper, too, the whole thing of it. That would be grand. It’s worth taking such a big risk, to be able to sort of grasp it all.”   

“Crow—”   

But D5702 gave D5714 a warning look, and D5714, though annoyed, capitulated without fuss.   

D5702 didn’t really think that Crow was going to die that night. That was just a bit of dramatic flair from a bored and increasingly morbid engine… although, to own the full truth, Crow's had never been a histrionic personality.   

But they all knew that her date soon would be set, and it seemed to D5702 that she could be indulged, this once.   

Anyway, what did it matter if they believed this was her time, if she believed it? No one who even merely fancied they were dying should be left to feel lonely or unheard.   

D5702 himself had never lacked the companionship of at least one of his brothers for a single hour of his life. He couldn’t fathom it, being as lonely as Crow must have been here over the years, many and many a night. 

#ttte fic #ttte fanfic #ttte boco #ttte oc #traintober #fic snippet #... 2020 has been a year for thinking about death #thank you talking trains you've been very helpful to me in coming to terms with people-mortality #anyway they indulge Crow who discusses a bit about one of her old friends and her favorite crew from the '30s #anddd jjjjjjjust when they are getting properly interested in these people it's all #'oh and then my crew was drafted and driver was killed and the other engine didn't last war austerity maintenance. sooo that's been that.' #'... haven't you kiddos fallen asleep yet? would like some privacy here at the end please.' #(7502 and 7514: ..........) #(which is also their reaction in the morning when they find Crow's prediction has also come true and she's dead and faceless) #(but. like. times 10.) #ttte oc: crow #jobeywrites