finding beauty in your darkest places chapter 5
Pairing: TBA (i have no clue at the moment, ot7 for now)
Genre: Psychiatric Clinic!au, Heavy Angst, Fluff
Word Count: 8310
Warnings: strong language; deals with mental and emotional illnesses and disorders as a heavy theme of the story, future graphic depictions of disorders - please do not read if this makes you uncomfortable
Rating: PG-13/Mature
Summary: Everyone has their issues, and everyone deals with them differently. Jungkook thinks that avoiding his problems is the best option out there.
aka
Jeon Jungkook is the newest patient at the Omelas Specialized Psychiatric Clinic, and he just wants to get in and out as quickly as possible so that he can go back to university and be with his friends again. Of course, that doesn't work out according to his plan.
a/n: to the dearest person who said in the survey that they just want hobi to be okay, I'm crying ;-; that’s the purest most wholesome thing ever. also i’m sorry in advance :/
Chapter:
4 | 5 | 6
Finding Beauty in Your Darkest Places
Chapter 5: Falling in a White Room
After almost two weeks, Jungkook can still say with utmost confidence that he despises white rooms. There lies a suffocating stillness in the monotonous walls, and he would rather be anywhere else if he had the opportunity. Alas, he has nowhere to go, especially now as the clock is drawing nearer and nearer to 11:27. His hands won't find a suitable resting position, either gripping his bed sheets or sweatpants in a tight grasp, and the ever growing pit of uneasiness in his stomach continues to nag at his thoughts. He cannot tell whether the anxiety surrounds the danger of getting caught tonight or having to face you again after the argument that passed in the afternoon.
"You are nothing but a means to an end."
That line hasn't left Jungkook's thoughts since it tumbled from your lips, but he has no intention of forcing it out of his mind either because it serves as some sort of cruel reminder. Maybe a reminder that he overstepped a very clear boundary, or that he's gotten too comfortable in only two weeks at the clinic, or even that you aren't a friend to him — not even close. Friends have the luxury of knowing things about each other. You have drawn the line between any possible sort of friendship he could have with you. So yes, Jungkook knows that he is nothing. Nothing but a means to an end to you, and nothing to everyone else in the clinic. That's life, isn't it?
"Jungkook? You there?" Jimin is the one to cut Jungkook free from the confines of his thoughts, bringing him back to the reality of the dimly lit room. Jungkook looks up and finds Taehyung's and Jimin's stares from where they sit on Taehyung's bed. "I asked if you wanted to join the next game." Jimin motions to the playing cards on the bed before him, and Jungkook shakes his head before he finishes speaking.
"Sorry, I'm not feeling it right now." Jimin shrugs, gaze lingering on Jungkook's fidgeting form for a few more seconds, and then redirects his attention to Taehyung.
"You know that Miyeon is getting better?" He asks, and whilst the question is not meant for Jungkook, he listens in anyways.
"Oh?" Taehyung lowers his cards a bit but remains more focused on the game rather than Jimin's attempts at conversation.
"Eunbi was telling me about it after dinner. She said Miyeon hasn't thrown up in over three weeks — a new record for her — and she seems to be in a much better mood nowadays."
"Now that you mention it, I kinda noticed that. Well, the mood part at least. Do you think...do the doctors think she's doing well?"
"Hm? Oh apparently so. Miyeon told me that they've given her a lot more privileges and are letting her go out more. If this keeps up, then she could be gone by the end of the month. Two months at the latest, I'd say." Gone by the end of the month… All that talk about how patients stay for such a long time, and yet now we're talking about someone leaving? Seems so strange.
"Do you really think so?" Taehyung voices the surprise Jungkook feels. "I mean, it seems kinda early? Soon? She's only been at the clinic since the beginning of the year." Nine months? That's not nearly as long as everyone claims it to be. I wonder…maybe I can get out that quickly too? Jungkook's knee begins to bounce up and down on its own accord, leaving the bed to squeak along with the movement. Both Jimin and Taehyung glance in his direction.
"Sorry," Jungkook mutters, then presses his palms against his knees to keep them from moving any more.
"It's early, yea, but she's been on top of her medications and appointments. Everything is going well for her, and she really seems to want to get past this so it makes sense that she's managed to do so well in such a short amount of time." Jimin pauses to heave a deep sigh, eyeing his cards with pursed lips before continuing with his train of thought. "Eunbi isn't ready for her to go though. She says she doesn't know what she'll do if she has a room to herself again."
"We can help keep her grounded for awhile! If it gets too bad, that is."
"Miyeon has become the one to reign her in and bring her back to reality whenever an episode hits. You can't just replace someone like that at the drop of a hat."
"At the drop of a hat? What does that mean?"
"Ah, it's just a saying, Tae. What I'm trying to say is that it's like your bear. We can't just give you a new one and expect you to be okay." Jungkook bites down hard on his tongue, and even though he knows both Jimin and Taehyung are aware of your intentions to sneak around at some point, you specifically told Jungkook not to breathe a word. I just wanna say that it'll be alright. I want to tell him that we're going to find it tonight. For reassurance only, but I can't even do that. Jimin continues speaking without hesitation, unaware of Jungkook's sudden panic and rigidness on his side of the room. "It would be great if the nurses could move someone into her room, but there isn't anyone who would be willing or able to."
"I'll miss Miyeon if she does go," Taehyung admits as he drops the cards to the bed. "She always humors me when I wanna talk about something random and laughs at my jokes too! Unlike you." He pokes his tongue out at Jimin, who scoffs back.
"They aren't funny though. She's just being nice!" Taehyung ignores Jimin's retorts, returning with a sigh much like Jimin's earlier one.
"Won't it be weird if she goes all the sudden? I've gotten used to her being a part of our group." Jimin merely hums in response. Jungkook glances down at his watch, eyes chasing after the second hand that ticks around in its methodical, rhythmic circle on its trip. His hand is unstable, a tremble taking hold of his whole arm from his shoulder to the tips of his fingers, but Jungkook focuses more on the time rather than the shaking of his hand.
"It's past eleven. Won't you get in trouble for not being in your room by now?" He inquires, question directed towards the man he stares at now, and Jimin responds by pushing his tongue through his lips and poking the corner of his mouth. He rolls his eyes as he looks up at Jungkook.
"The last thing I wanna do now is go back to my room. I seriously can't stand living with Yesung, especially after Y/N slapped him. I swear, it feels like we've been living with each other for one week and not over a year now. We butt heads most of the time already, but it's hell during a switch." Jimin drops the cards held in between his fingers and shrugs before saying, "I may as well go back before the nurses make it to my room though."
"Oh, did Yesung only get here a year ago?" Jungkook asks, interest peaked at the information Jimin presented.
"Nah, he came over two years ago but moved into my room when Hoseok arrived at the clinic. He needed a room to himself, according to the nurses, and I wasn't in a position to argue with them."
"Why weren't you roommates with Taehyung? That seems like a logical decision given that the two of you are friends."
"I'm sure they would've paired us up if they had the chance to, but I already had a roommate when Tae arrived. Not much of an opportunity there." Jimin shrugs once more, tucking the cards together until they form a neat stack, then passes the deck over to Taehyung. As soon as he has his hands on them, Taehyung begins reorganizing all the work Jimin did to make them neat. He sets them out on the mattress again, only to pick the cards up one by one in perfect order based on number and suit and color.
"How long have you been at the clinic then?" Although the question leaves his lips with great hesitance, Jimin meets his inquiry with a quick shake of his head. Jungkook almost thinks that he's telling him that he's asked the wrong question and to drop the topic, but Jimin starts speaking again and melts Jungkook's worries. He taps his chin, one short index finger against the smooth expanse of skin there. A laugh cuts through the silence surrounding them.
"It doesn't really matter, does it?"
"Oh, y-yea sorry for asking. I shouldn't have pried."
"I don't mind, don't worry. It's more that I don't particularly like broadcasting the length of my stay here. Part of me feels a bit ashamed about it because no matter how hard I try, I can't get better. As happy as I am for Miyeon for getting better and doing well in such a short amount of time, I can't help but to feel bitter because she's doing what I can't do. Despite all our similarities, I can't do the little things she has been able to achieve in only nine months. Allowing others to know how long it's taken me just to make the minimal progress that I have…ah never mind. It's too late for this! We don't need such serious talk at this hour. Goodnight Jungkook, goodnight Tae!" Jimin hops off Taehyung's bed without another word, making a beeline for the door and whisking out of it before anyone can stop him (neither Taehyung or Jungkook really make an effort to however). Once the door snaps shut, Taehyung and Jungkook find themselves in another lingering silence. After a few minutes of Jungkook watching Taehyung sort the playing cards and tuck them away in the drawer of his end table, Taehyung breaks the quiet with a drawn out sigh.
"I feel terrible for Jimin. Don't tell him I said anything to you, but…I wish there was more I could do for him. He's always putting me first and trying to do things for me but never looks out for himself. I wish he would let me help too." Taehyung thumbs the material of his linens, tugging at the sheets without direction, then flips over to turn off his desk light. "I'm gonna go to sleep. I don't feel good right now." Jungkook watches the man crawl under his sheets through the dim yellow light of his own lamp. Taehyung places his back to Jungkook, and the bed creaks as he tries to settle into a comfortable position.
Jungkook still has over twenty minutes to kill before it's time for him to meet with you, so once he's certain that Taehyung's breathing is steady enough for sleep, he tugs the journal pressed between his mattress and the bed frame out. Flipping to Jimin's designated page, he quickly begins to scribble down all the new information, including new pages for Eunbi and Miyeon.
The sound of the door sliding open startles Jungkook out of his reverie, pen scraping a bit too roughly across the page and leaving an ugly black streak through the words. He jerks his head up to see who stands in the doorway. It's Nurse Irene, who is accompanied by an unfamiliar young nurse.
"Mr. Jeon and — I'm assuming Mr. Kim is asleep already?" Nurse Irene speaks in a loud and clear tone, no care about the fact that Taehyung is trying to sleep only a couple feet away from where she stands. Jungkook nods in response, pressing his journal closer to his lap and attempting to hide it from view as best he can. "Good. Sleep well, Mr. Jeon. Remember the rules." Nurse Irene's small monologue is a routine one, something she says every time she comes by to check the room at night, so it shouldn't come as a surprise to Jungkook. Yet the fact that he actually is planning on breaking the rules tonight sends a surge of panic through his system, and he looks away from the nurse before she recognizes the sudden panic on his features. The door shuts again a moment later, and Jungkook is in the clear. At least, clear enough to return to his musings over his journal and review all the work he added to the ink-marred pages. His peace and quiet doesn't last long, and before he knows it, there is another noise at the door — a series of sharp raps this time. Jungkook glances at his watch, and a string of curses leaves his lips as he drops his journal and shoves the pen somewhere between the pages then rushes to get to the door as quietly as he can without disturbing Taehyung. He doesn't check to see who is standing on the other side, because he already knows and he is well aware that you are not going to be happy to see him.
"You are fifteen seconds late." You grip Jungkook's sleeve and spit the words out between gritted teeth. He barely has enough time to slide the door shut before you are tugging him down the hallway.
"I-I'm sorry."
"You're sorry? Sorry doesn't give us more time! I specifically told you two and a half minutes was all we had. Now you've wasted thirty seconds and kept me waiting."
"Ah, you're being too loud!" Jungkook tries to keep his voice down. "Taehyung is trying to sleep." You pause at the revelation, and Jungkook sees worry flash across your eyes through the darkness. You shake away the emotion and turn away, hand dropping from his sleeve. Jungkook chases after you, struggling to make out your form against the darkness. "Do — do you have a flashlight? I can barely see."
"It's not that dark, you'll be fine." You retort and follow it up with a scoff that seems to echo through the hall. "Are you scared of the dark, Jungkookie?"
"What? No! I can't see well and have no clue where we're going. It's not like I know my way around here in the dark."
"Shh, people are trying to sleep. Just follow the sound of my voice if you think you'll get lost." Jungkook trails after you, and his eyes slowly become more adjusted to the darkness. Ah, I forgot to turn my lamp off. I hope that doesn't keep Taehyung up. He watches your back, being sure to not let too much distance grow between the two of you, and as silence takes over, his mind revisits the argument you had earlier in the day. And, of course, that little nagging comment which refuses to leave Jungkook's mind.
"You are nothing but a means to an end."
Nothing. He doesn't bring the topic up again — partially because he's concerned you might repeat what you said with more vehemence, but also because he can't even tell whether you remember it or not. Did she really mean what she said? Was it just a defense mechanism to protect herself? Jungkook gnaws on the inside of his lower lip, pinching the skin there until it breaks under the pressure of his teeth. When the metallic taste of blood touches his tongue, he stops and lets it coat the inside of his mouth as though it will prevent him from saying anything he might regret. Does she even feel sorry for saying those things?
Jungkook doesn't have the opportunity to continue down that train of thought because you've stopped and are bending over a door handle. He listens closely to the series of clicks and noises that come next, a few curses muttered from your lips slipping in on occasion, then the door swings open with a bit too much force and hits the wall with a bang. You huff and straighten your back, a cocky smirk spread across your lips that Jungkook can only see because your teeth are reflecting what little light there is. You step into the laundry room first, hitting the light switch as you go and filling the room with light that hurts to look at.
"That would've been a lot easier if we had thirty extra seconds of time." The backhanded comment stings as much as the open wound in Jungkook's mouth. He frowns and avoids looking at you. "Lighten up, Jungkookie. We have a job to do."
"Won't the cameras catch the light coming from here?" Jungkook redirects the conversation in hopes of changing the topic, and you take the bait.
"No, the cameras don't cover the laundry room or outside the door. They're mainly for checking the hallway with all the bedrooms and other areas where patients would be. The laundry room isn't exactly a place where we should be, so they didn't bother to put cameras over here." Why did she worry about us getting here so quickly then? Jungkook pushes that thought aside in favor of joining you by the dryers. "Um, go through all the dryers. I'll start looking through the clothes bins and cabinets." Jungkook does as asked, opening the dryers one at a time to search for Taehyung's bear.
"What does the bear look like?"
"It's just a typical stuffed bear, looks like any other one you'd see in a store."
"Why can't you just get a replacement or give Taehyung one of the other stuffed animals you have in your room?" Jungkook pulls his head out of one of the dryers to look at you over his shoulder.
"I can't just 'get him a new one', Jungkook. I gave Taehyung this specific bear for a reason, and giving him a new one won't fix anything."
"I'm confused still."
"And I'm not sure what you want me to say."
"I mean, Jimin said something similar earlier but it didn't make sense then either."
"I can't make you understand."
"Yeah, forget it." Jungkook huffs and moves onto the next dryer. You and Jungkook continue your respective searches in silence, neither bothering to attempt conversation again. Jungkook double checks the dryers again after his initial run-through but still comes up short on finding the bear. He looks back in your direction, watching as you dig through the same bin of clothes he saw you start with. "Any luck?" He asks and shuts the dryers.
"No. I can't find it. Did you see it in the dryers?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I double checked and everything."
"Let's switch. You go through the bins and cabinets, I'll check the dryers."
"Y/N, we already looked through them." Jungkook presses his palms against his knees and pushes himself up to stand straight.
"Maybe we missed something." You spin on your heel and go for the dryers, but Jungkook grabs hold of your arm.
"It's not here. We should go check the kitchen because looking over and over again won't help," he urges, motioning towards the door.
"We must have missed something."
"No, Y/N. It's not here. Please, can we go to the kitchen now?" Jungkook moves for the door, stepping a bit into the hall and pulling you along with him. You keep looking back to the laundry room even as Jungkook turns the lights off, as though the bear will somehow miraculously materialize while you stare but it doesn't.
"Whatever," you mutter once Jungkook shuts the door. "Let's just go." You run a hand through your loose hair, avoiding Jungkook's gaze. He follows your lead and walks a few feet behind you as you make your way to the kitchen. It is equally dark there, but you don't go for the light switch this time. "The cameras will catch it if we turn the main lights on. I'll get the pantry light instead." Jungkook nods at your explanation and looks at the fridge. It's still in the slightly shifted position he moved it to earlier in the day, albeit there is a slight dent in the side now from where he punched it. Jungkook runs a thumb over his bruised knuckles.
Faint yellow light streams across the floor of the kitchen, providing a minimal amount of visibility but enough for Jungkook to see the cabinets and you more clearly.
"I'll look through the cabinets and drawers over here. Go ahead and get started on those." You don't wait to see whether Jungkook does as asked and busy yourself with the searching instead. He mimics your actions. Part of him wants to make some conversation, if only to ease the anxiety that bubbles in his gut anytime he's left in silence with you.
All this effort for a bear…does it really help? It's been gone since I arrived, and Taehyung seems to be doing alright without it now. He wasn't fine the first day but for the past few days…I don't understand how much impact a stuffed animal can have.
No luck. Thirty minutes later, Jungkook has searched through his side of the kitchen at least three times, and he knows that you have as well but you show no signs of slowing down. He, on the other hand, it ready to call it quits and stop looking for the bear, which is obviously not here either. He collapses on the floor with a sign, plopping on the tile a bit too roughly, and his rear end stings from the impact. You glance back at him midway through a cabinet but don't comment on his decision to stop looking with you.
"Where else could it be?" He inquires once you return to digging through the cabinet.
"It could be in either Mingyu or Yesung's room."
"Jimin mentioned that he shares a room with Yesung."
"I'm aware of that."
"Why don't…why don't you just ask him to look through the room? That would be easiest, wouldn't it?" Jungkook is hesitant about the suggestion for some reason, as though he knows what your response is going to be before you say it, and you don't let him down when you speak next.
"I don't trust him to do a good enough job looking for it."
"Why? Do you think he's dumb or something?" The question holds a hint of hostility in it, and Jungkook didn't intend for that to slip in but he can't take it back now.
"No, I don't think that." Your tone is a bit too quiet, and you have your head in a cabinet so Jungkook has to lean forward to catch your words. "I simply don't trust him to look for it. I am the only person I can trust to do a good enough job looking, and that's why I've been double checking everything myself."
"Why don't you get someone you trust to help?"
"Oh? Like who?"
"Namjoon, Yoongi, Seokjin, I don't know," Jungkook mutters, dipping his head as he speaks. He doesn't want to bring up Yoongi again in case you retaliate with harsh words once more. You don't show any signs of anger though. Sighing, you shut the cabinet you're working on and move onto the next.
"That's…a different kind of trust, but I'm going to say anything more on that."
You continue searching in silence, not offering any more words for Jungkook, and he doesn't press for answers, unwilling to risk angering you. Different kind of trust? What does that mean? She doesn't trust them to help her look for a stuffed bear? That doesn't make sense…there must be something else. I don't believe that excuse. Then again, she told me not to mention anything about the plans to Yoongi or Namjoon. But why? What would they do if they knew? Wouldn't they help?
"Fuck!" Your sudden cuss stops Jungkook in his tracks, and he jolts at the sound of a cabinet slamming shut. You turn away from the cabinets, hands finding purchase on the counter and gripping the granite. "I can't find it anywhere. It's not here. It wasn't in the laundry room. God, we're so screwed. This means that Mingyu or Yesung has it in one of their rooms."
"So…what're we gonna do?"
"I don't know." For once, you seem to be at a loss.
"Are we gonna sneak into their room while they're gone?"
"No, I—we can't do that. Getting caught by Mingyu is too big of a risk. I would rather start a fist fight with him in the meal room than sneak into his room."
"I'll do it then."
"Huh?"
"I'll sneak into his room." Jungkook lifts himself off the floor and leans against the counter so that he's opposite you now, staring you in the eye with a newfound resolve. "I'm not scared of him."
"You think I'm scared of him? Mingyu isn't the problem."
"Then what is?"
"Come on, you've got a brain and can put two and two together." You shift, hip colliding with the edge of the counter, but you barely bat an eye at the contact. "Why do you think Mingyu didn't get in as much trouble as I did when we fought? Or why the nurses didn't interfere for so long until Yesung got involved."
"I thought it was just because they don't care. That's what Namjoon told me, at least."
"And you didn't think that maybe Namjoon was holding something back? He is just as scared as everyone else in the clinic. No one fucks with Mingyu for a reason. I just don't give a big enough shit to let him treat Taehyung the way he does. He can walk all over me any day of the week, but he can't mess with someone who can't or won't defend themselves." You stop your rant, glancing at the wall clock beside the fridge. Jungkook follows your line of sight to read the time as well, disappointed at the sight of it. "We still have plenty of time before the camera glitches again." Yeah, two whole hours of this mess. You move away from the counter, making another round of the cabinets, and Jungkook watches on with little amusement.
"Why didn't Mingyu in trouble, if it's not due to the nurses not caring?"
"I'm not going to spell it out for you, Jeon. Think about his name."
"It's Mingyu? I don't get what game you're trying to play. Why can't you explain it already?" You turn to face Jungkook just so that he can see the over-exaggerated roll of your eyes before responding.
"I thought you were smarter than this, but obviously not." Jungkook opens his mouth to counter your comment, but you lift a finger to keep him from speaking. "His name is Choi Mingyu. Do you remember who runs the clinic?"
"Dr. Choi, but isn't Choi a common name?"
"You've met with the good doctor. Tell me the family resemblance isn't there."
"I-I, well now that you—yes it's there."
"That's part of the reason why Mingyu is so arrogant and full of himself. His father is in charge of the clinic."
"Why is he here of all places though? There's tons of other clinics out there that he could be at. Why would his family want him here?"
"Why wouldn't they? It makes it easy. They can keep their kid in the same place that Dad is in charge of. On top of that, his own father gets to control the care as well. They don't care if it's counterproductive, but it is. It worsens half of Mingyu's problems and makes his ego even bigger, which affects us more than anyone else."
"Ah, I think — I think I get it now. If we get caught in Mingyu's room, he would tell his dad and make things living hell for us."
"Not necessarily, but it would probably extend our stays by at least another year, and we would lose our privileges on top of that."
"It's not like I have any privileges to revoke right now though."
"Do you really want to stay longer?"
"No, of course not."
"That's what I thought." You hum and laugh to yourself.
"Why do you and Mingyu have such a bad relationship anyways? Has it always been like this? How long has he been here?"
"Honestly? I don't even remember anymore, but it's been awhile. We've never gotten along. Ever since he got here, he's been thrusting his dumbass attitude in everyone's faces, but I didn't pay much attention to him at first because I didn't really care when I first arrived. His ego is too big for him to deal with anyone who disagrees with him, and our views don't line up that well. We don't think the same way, and sure you can agree to disagree with some people, but Mingyu doesn't operate like that. His ego made sense back when he was a teenager. I wrote him off as a typical teenage asshole then, although now I know that he's insufferable no matter what age he is." Jungkook nods along with your words, taking in all the information to remember for later when he has access to his journal again.
"I understand a bit better now," he says more to himself than to you. "How does Yesung fall into the picture though?"
"He is a lot like me, in that he's in it for himself. So, Yesung is searching for the easiest way to live in the clinic and thinks that by siding with Mingyu, he has that easy way out. To be honest, Yesung isn't a bad person, at least he hasn't always been, but he has become one by spending all his time with Mingyu. I'm sure things would be a lot different if Yesung cared about someone other than himself."
"I see." Jungkook pulls at a loose string on one of his socks, tugging it until the string becomes a loop, and puffs his cheeks full of air. "Thank you for explaining all that for me. And answering my questions. I know you don't really like being asked so many questions."
"Well, you aren't asking anything personal about me. You've only been asking about other people, and they happen to be people I don't care for, so I don't care about keeping my mouth shut for them. Besides, Mingyu would love the attention." You've reached the end of the line of cabinets by now and are about to make another lap around the kitchen to check again, but Jungkook calls out to stop you.
"Y/N, you don't have to keep searching the cabinets. The bear is obviously not there."
"No, no, no. It has to be here somewhere." You run your fingers through your hair and tug hard on the strands. Ignoring Jungkook's words, you move towards the cabinets again and open each one. "I'm not going to find it in time. Taehyung has been waiting long enough already, but he needs it. I need to get it for him. If I can't find it tonight, then I'm failing him. He needs me to find it." Jungkook moves around the counter and reaches out in an effort to stop you, but you move away from his outstretched arm too quickly for him to catch. "I know it's here somewhere. Mingyu and Yesung are dumb, they can't have many places to put it. It has to be here somewhere."
"Y/N," Jungkook sighs. He intercepts you in the midst of your war path to the next set of cabinets, pressing his fingers around your wrist. He nearly lets go immediately after out of sheer shock, because as his fingers dip under the fabric of your sleeve, he feels the ridges of scars across your skin. Rows of them, one after another against his fingers, and he subconsciously drags his thumb over them. I've never noticed—they don't feel fresh but…I never saw them before, did I? I don't remember, but it's not something I ever paid attention to. "Why are you panicking so much? It'll be okay. Taehyung has done well without the bear thus far, and he seems to be willing to wait until we can find it. If it takes a bit more time, then so be it." You look up at Jungkook, yellow light from the pantry hitting the side of your face and casting crude shadows over your features. Your brows knit together. Instead of pulling away and putting up your defensive walls, you drop your shoulders and bite your lower lip.
"I can't let him down, Jungkook. I can't. I have to do this for him, I need to help him now, and I can't waste any time."
"It'll be okay, Y/N. You just need to give it a bit more time. We will find it, I promise. You have been helping Taehyung enough as it is."
"It's not enough though."
"What's not enough?" He asks, trying to maintain eye contact as you start lowering your chin.
"Me." A searing ache spreads across Jungkook's chest. Under his grip, you're trembling, and he tightens his hold as though it will do something to make you feel better. "I'm not enough. I can't fix Taehyung by just being me. Hell, I don't know if I can fix it at all."
"It's okay to not be enough," Jungkook mutters. The low rumble of the fridge almost blocks out his words, but you hear him nonetheless, eyes flitting up to meet his. He isn't sure whether his words have any impact, but he also has no clue how to help you in this situation. How to comfort, help, console, anything. He doesn't know what the hell he's doing.
"You're a liar. Not being enough has never helped anyone." You frown, and Jungkook mirrors your expression with a frown of his own.
"No one is ever enough, Y/N. We can't be perfect for everyone, and you don't need to be." Your frown deepens, and you blink up at Jungkook. You don't react further than that for a few moments. Jungkook can almost see the gears turning in your mind as you take in his words. Then you pull away, and Jungkook has to release your wrist. You hug your arms to your chest, slouching forward as you do, and all he sees is how small and vulnerable you seem.
"I'm trying to keep you at a distance. Why don't you get that? I don't want you to get close to me."
"Why? I'm trying to help. I don't underst—”
"Stay out of my personal life." You shift, turning your back to him.
"But why, Y/N? I don't understand why you're trying so hard to push me away."
"I have hurt enough people by letting them get close and involved in my personal life. I'm not a good person, I only care about myself, so why would you want to get involved with that? I'm selfish and rude and insensitive."
"You aren't going to hurt me," Jungkook insists, and he takes a step closer to you.
"Again, you're a liar. That's exactly what Yoongi said, and he turned out to be a liar." Jungkook stops dead in his tracks. Eyes wide, mouth agape, he stares at the back of your head. She brought him up. Oh god, what do I say?
"What?"
That's all Jungkook can manage in the heat of the moment, although it might be because his throat is closing up from the panic coursing through his veins. All he can think about is your reaction earlier when you talked about Yoongi, and he would rather not hear you repeat the cruel words.
"You are a liar. Just like Yoongi was. You are going to turn out to be an exact replica of him, and I don't want that in my life again. It would be better to keep you at a distance than to hurt you the way I hurt Yoongi." You can't see the stutter in Jungkook's jaw, the way he moves his lips with no voice because he's at a loss. Being silent surely isn't the proper answer, so Jungkook struggles to manage a response.
"I-I, uh, didn't realize that's what happened. I thought — it doesn't seem like that's the case."
"We're fine now."
"Why? Because you pushed him away?" Jungkook presses his lips together in a moment of doubt and hesitation, then with a deep inhale of breath, he continues on with his train of thought. The pent up frustration in his gut pushes its way to the foreground, ready to spill out and bare itself to reality. "Is that what you're gonna do to Taehyung when he gets too close? Or Namjoon if he starts pushing boundaries? Are you doing that to Jimin now? You obviously push him away for some reason, but maybe it's simply because you can't stand the thought of being vulnerable in front of someone. What about Hoseok? You'll do that to him too? You claim it's so that you don't hurt them, but can't you see that's exactly what you're doing by be—”
A sharp pain spreads across his right cheek, and for a moment, Jungkook has no clue what happened. He doesn't get the change to finish his train of thought thanks to the shock that wipes his mind of what he was going to say. Without looking your way, he lifts shaking fingers to his cheek, which is suddenly cold compared to the rest of his body, and when he pulls it away, crimson paints his fingertips. Blood? Am I bleeding? He wipes at his cheek once more with his thumb, finding a smear of blood on his skin. Not mine though.
"Are you hurt?" He asks and lifts his chin to look you in the eye. He catches a glimpse of the expression of anger only a moment before it dissipates into bewilderment. You lean back, eyes following the movement of Jungkook's hands as he reaches forward to bare your palms to the ceiling. Sure enough, blood coats the skin there, and deep crescent cuts mar the middle of your palms, still oozing the red liquid. Your hands are trembling again, fingers twitching. "Is there a first aid kit in here?"
"I, um, yea there's one in the pantry," you whisper in response.
Jungkook pulls away and darts for the pantry in search of the object in mind. He digs around for a bit longer than he would like, having to shift random snack and cereal boxes to get to it, and upon returning to the kitchen, he finds you at the sink. You're running hot water over your palms, silently watching the blood leave red streaks in the clear liquid and fall into the sink unceremoniously.
"Why aren't you mad at me?" You ask under your breath.
"I deserved it. I've been told that I'm too vocal with my opinions, and it gets me into trouble more often than not." He shrugs as he pops the first aid kit open.
"I'm sorry that I hit you."
"You don't need to apologize."
A pause. Then,
"Yes I do."
"I deserved it."
"Okay."
He steals a glance at you out of the corner of his eye, then turns the water off for you and breaks open one of the packs of sterile alcohol prep pads.
"Is this what happened when you fought with Mingyu and Yesung? I saw the blood on Yesung's cheek but wasn't sure where it came from…”
"It happens a lot," you admit. Your fingers twitch when Jungkook presses the alcohol pad against your wounds, but you relax them a moment later after getting used to the sting. "Better than cutting myself, right?" He presses the pad a bit too hard, and you visibly wince at the force of the contact. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't joke about that."
Jungkook doesn't say anything as he turns away, dumping the used prep pads in the trash can. You've taken over when he returns to his post by your side, and you tug the roll of white gauze loose. Jungkook views your attempts to wrap your hands up by yourself. You begin to struggle with the motions not long after, so he pulls it away from you and begins to wrap your palms himself.
"Why do you think you'll hurt me if I get close?" He asks. Maybe it's the attempts to help you, or the fact that you feel a bit guilty for hitting him, but you actually relent and decide to answer his question.
"That's what happens to everyone who gets close to me."
"Is that the case for Namjoon and Seokjin?"
"In all honesty, Seokjin doesn't know me very well. He never asks personal questions. Often, he talks about himself instead, and I can't blame him for that because I know it's not something he can wholly control. As for Namjoon…there's always been some sort of unspoken agreement. He doesn't ask, maybe because he knows how I will react. But he does know a lot about me — a lot more than anyone else — but he doesn't push me the way some other people do. The same goes for the other way around. In my defense though, it's easier if I keep people at a distance."
"Who is it easier for?"
"Look, I know that it's selfish and wrong. I know I'm not a good person, but that isn't going to stop me from trying to protect myself."
"You are a good person. It's obvious from the way you talk about Taehyung and Hoseok, and I can tell that you want to help them more than anything else. It — well, it doesn't seem like you want to help yourself." Jungkook gently snips the gauze and locks it into place with two short pieces of tape. "You don't need to put up this facade to convince everyone that you're strong," he says while tucking everything back into the first aid kit.
"It's a bit ironic, I think. You are telling me all this, but you do the exact same things." You flex your fingers a bit around the new bandages, then meet Jungkook's eyes. "The strong facade isn't to hide myself. It's to be strong for other people who can't be strong themselves. I am being strong for Taehyung and Hoseok. Namjoon, Yoongi, Seokjin — they can take care of themselves and be strong for themselves, they've proven it to me before. But Taehyung and Hoseok don't have that sort of luxury."
"Why do you feel an obligation to do that for them? Is it some sort of repentance for past mistakes? Or a way to make up for not feeling good enough in the past?" Your eyes flit away from his, and Jungkook is sure that he's hit the nail on the head with his assumptions. The melancholic haze that drifts to cover your eyes in a dreary film reflects sadness.
"It's almost 3:33. We should head back soon." Jungkook purses his lips but doesn't say anything else. Instead, he returns the first aid kit to where he found it and comes back to the kitchen to find you clutching the edges of the sink, hovering over it. Jungkook announces his presence by flicking the light switch to the pantry off. You pull back from the sink, dragging the heel of your hand across your cheek before looking over at Jungkook. "I just want to make something clear before we go back. Whatever my reasons for helping Taehyung and Hoseok are…you don't need to know them. Helping is helping, and all I can hope is that it's enough."
"But if you don't help yourself—”
"Then who cares?"
"You should let people help you too," Jungkook says, putting a good amount of force behind his words. "I want to help you, and…if it means that you let me in even just a little bit, then I am more than willing to drop the strong facade I carry." You press your lips into a frown. Jungkook sighs as he realizes that you aren't going to offer any sort of response.
"Hello?"
Jungkook nearly jumps out of his own skin at the sound of the new voice. He jerks his head in the direction of the voice, and through the darkness, he finds a head of orange hair. Empty eyes. Blank expression. Staring forward, but not looking at anything in particular, and certainly not focused on either of the people standing in the middle of the kitchen. You, on the other hand, seem completely unfazed by the intrusion. You simply shift your head towards the sound, but once your eyes recognize Hoseok standing at the edge of the kitchen, you lunge forward.
"Hoseok?" You dart around the counter to get closer to the man. "Did something happen? Are you alright? What are you doing up? Why you not in your room?" You spew the questions at him.
"I-I — do I know you?" Jungkook thinks Hoseok is directing the question at him for a split second, but Hoseok is staring you in the eye instead. You freeze, the hand that you had outstretched to him falling to your side limply. Jungkook's heart clenches as he reads the expression that flashes across your face, one that bears sadness and a sense of familiarity as though this situation has repeated itself time and time again.
"No, you don't. Are you alright?"
"I'm not sure how I got here. I was walking in the hallway to a door at the end of the hall and then all the sudden, I'm here. I heard some voices, and they told me to go here I think. They directed me here. It was Yunho, Yunho told me to come here." Hoseok speaks with a flat tone, nothing showing through his stony exterior, and Jungkook watches on with increasing discomfort.
"He did? That's nice of him. He brought you here to us, so we can help you now."
"You know Yunho? Does Yunho know you?"
You offer a weak smile.
"Yes, Hoseok. I know Yunho very well. He's a friend of mine."
"Oh. I see. Are you a friend of mine too then?"
"I am. Can you tell me which door you were trying to get to earlier?"
"It was a door. A white door with a silver handle, and you know the door it — it sli-slides open instead of opening normally. And there's a plaque with a name on it — the name, um, the name was L/N Y/N. I knocked, I think, but there was no answer. I remember a voice telling me to go there whenever I felt like I was in trouble though. The voice — a girl's voice — she told me to go there when I needed her help, but she wasn't there. Then Yunho started telling me where to go instead."
"And now you're here."
"Yea, now I'm here."
"Well, Hoseok, uh…my name is L/N Y/N. Yunho must have remembered that I wasn't in my room and brought you here instead."
"You know Yunho?"
"Yes, I do." Your voice wavers a bit, smile falters, and you take a step closer to Hoseok. "I'm supposed to help you whenever you feel like you're in trouble. How are you?"
"I, well, I'm not good. The mean voices are telling me things again."
"Are they? Did you listen to them?"
"Yea…yes. I don't feel good."
Jungkook glances at his watch. 3:36. We missed our chance.
"Okay, I understand. Hoseok, do you want me to come back to your room with you?"
"I don't know. Yes. No. I'm not sure. I don't feel good though."
"Alright, let's walk back—Hoseok!" Jungkook snaps his head up as you shout. Hoseok stumbles forward, wobbling on his feet, then collapses. You lunge forward to catch him, but his weight presses down on you too hard, and suddenly both you and Hoseok are on the floor. "Shit. Shit! Fucking hell. Fuck!" You slap the ground, and the sound echoes.
"What do I do? What do I need to do? How do I help?" Jungkook asks as he rushes to meet you on the floor. Hoseok isn't moving anymore. Oh God…what happened?
"Go get someone! Now!"
"Who am I supposed to get?"
"I don't fucking care! Get someone! Hurry!" You yell. As your eyes meet his, Jungkook sees the shine of tears welling there, and he stumbles back at the sight.
"Okay, okay. Okay. Don't worry. I'll get someone. It'll be okay, Y/N."
"Fuck, no it won't! I was supposed to be there. I told him to come to my room, and I wasn't there!"
"Y/N, please. I am gonna get someone. Everything is going to be okay, I swear. I'll be right back."
"Fucking hurry," you shout, voice coming out a bit hoarse this time. Jungkook glances at you one more time before turning to sprint out of the kitchen. He doesn't think twice about the cameras in the hall. His mind is reeling so much at his point that he doesn't even know where he's going.
Is he okay? What happened? What the hell is going on?
Jungkook scans each plaque as he passes them, barely taking in the names, before stopping at a door near the end of the hall. He bangs his fist against the white panels, so much force and vehemence in his strikes that his fist stings from the impact. He keeps knocking and knocking, head craned to look down towards the mouth of the hallway as he does. When the door slides open, Jungkook nearly falls forward because his fist doesn't meet a hard surface anymore, and someone steadies him before he falls flat on his face.
"What the hell do you want?"
...
a/n: sorry this took so long to get out!! school kicked my butt recently, but i am very happy and proud of this chapter! i hope you guys enjoy it as much as i do!
remember to check in with the survey here! i love getting your feedback!
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
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