Tumgik
#(But not really I'm so bad at being within sight of humans please don't perceive me)
somegrumpynerd · 3 years
Note
If you have anxiety, depression, adhd, a learning disability, etc. Common "mental health issues", you're neurodiverse/neurodivergent.
Oh I didn’t know! I thought it was just like adhd and autism, I guess I am neurodiverse then thank you!
1 note · View note
quiteriana · 3 years
Text
speculation
Tumblr media
not to be a Dumb Bitch but Silver is constantly suppressing himself and watering himself down, so much so that it's to the point where he appears so numb and apathetic because he really doesn't know himself or know his own personality and instead tries to find himself through the people in his life that he values. He tries to do what others wish him to do, and be who others wish him to be. He lacks his own motivations and individuality, and instead, he takes on the motivation of those around him, trying to fill himself with somebody else (the people he values), for he feels as though he, himself, isn’t worth much among others. He hallows out his own identity and numbs away every emotion because he feels as though he is too inedequate and then fills those voids with other people of who, to him, are the most valuable and vital in his eyes.
That "person he values" is Malleus. It's literally Malleus and idc how you interpret their relationship, you CANNOT DENY that Silver is bending himself to what he perceives is Malleus's need.
Silver values Lilia as well, but with Lilia it's different because he... loves him. They love each other, and Silver knows that he will always recieve unconditional love from Lilia, and his [Silver's] own love is shown through the way he tries so hard not to cause trouble for Lilia and how he wishes so badly for his happiness and health. Silver and Lilia love each other and they know that the other loves them (how could they not?) so Silver doesn't really have much reason to... "bend himself to the liking of Lilia" because they have such a strong foundation within one another.
But with Malleus, it isn't like that. Not at all. Silver doesn't know if he will always receive approval by Malleus, but he views him so highly, he values him so much, and he wants that approval, and thus he tries so hard to be that person he thinks Malleus needs him to be. He loses himself in the identity of a "royal guard" because he thinks that's the role he's meant to fill, and he replaces his entire person with that mere duty. He doesn't realize that his role of a guard is just a part of who he is and not the entirety, and he waters down all other aspects of himself to cling to this one identity until he's empty.... Seriously, he is almost nobody outside of this role. How do you guys not see that this is what he's doing to himself...
Silver replaces his own desires and dreams (and really... his personality) with his duty and role of serving Malleus in attempt to overcome that inevitable feeling of being less than and insignificant among all those that he’s grown up around, and among everything he's ever known (being a human among faes... try and tell me that didn’t screw with his esteem when he was young). He goes about life so passively, and so peacefully, for he wishes only to do as he must to please the people he admires so much. He hollows out and waters down his own desires so as not to be inconvenient for Lilia, who he adores, and Malleus, who he devotedly dedicates himself to. He loses himself and he forgets himself; he falls asleep to himself in the sense of his apathy and (the lack of truly feeling) his own emotions; filling his personality with his duty, and erasing the line between them while simultaneously trying to keep peace everywhere he stumbles, trying so hard not to be an inconvenience. Pushing himself further down, denying himself until he’s lost himself because somewhere in his life, he became so worried about displeasing and losing the ones he loves and views so highly because of the person he truly is, and he (unknowingly) combats this by suppressing his own desires and his own person, and instead replacing all of that with the qualities he thinks are more valuable for the role he feels he must fill for Malleus.
In terms of motivation, with Silver being around Sebek so much, he has most likely turned Sebek's motivation into his own since they have the same goal [to protect Malleus]. In a way, Silver feeds off the energy and passion that Sebek exudes for his role as a guard, and he uses that to get him through his position of the same role. By pretending and truly believing that Sebek's motivation is also his own motivation, he's able to continue and continue persevering in this duty he's been raised to fill. But it isn't his own. Sebek's goals are not Silver’s goals and their passions are not the same, but Silver has likely been watering down his own self for so long that he does not even see this or realize.
And he keeps on endlessly tuning himself more and more into what he thinks Malleus needs him to be. Because Malleus is the most important authority in his life; that's what he's been raised to believe, and thus he tries so hard to fit the mold of what Malleus needs in seek of approval and closeness to the person who's been made so important to him--so much that he pushes aside his own desires and his own personality in order to make room for whatever qualities he thinks Malleus needs. And unconsciously, he ends up incorporating bits of Malleus into himself and his own identity more and more because of this value that he's placed on him. Silver's forever glare? His subtly similar haircut to Malleus? These aren't him; these are not aspects of who Silver truly is or expressions of his own personality; these are things that he's lost himself in and has tried to take on the qualities of who he values because he doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't know himself. And the saddest thing is that he's likely not even aware that he is doing all this; it happens so unconsciously as a result of seeing little value in his own self.
For the sake of trying to make a clear point, I'm going to try and compare Silver to the other two hero-based characters: Rook and Kalim. Rook and Kalim, themselves, are actually very, very similar in my opinion in terms of their positivity, endless optimism, and their ability and desire to make others feel valued and recognized. Silver and Kalim are both kind hearted and gentle, but Kalim is obviously much more forward than Silver. Kalim actually has... personality. He has his motivations and he has his interests and he has the things he feels passionately about. Silver... doesn't. He doesn't have those things of his own. He shares with Kalim kindness and a desire to please others, but he lacks all ambition to act in the ways his heart desires; he doesn't even know what his heart desires. Probably, he has never thought of it before, as his role and his future was always right there for him: to be Malleus's guard and protector, and he accepted that with no refute, he accepted it happily and he put his efforts into being... what other people told him to be. Kalim is similar in that he easily accepts and goes along with the suggestions of others; he is also quite easily influenced by others, but he is his own person as well... he is his own person while Silver has lost who he is. (Silver is literally the lyrics "I do as I am told until I don't know who I want to be")
And for Rook. I actually see a lot more similarity between Silver and Rook. They are both peace-loving people; however Rook is a peacemaker while Silver is a peacekeeper. Rook goes out of his way to make peace and mediate between refuting people (Vil and Epel). He does so in a way that makes both parties seem heard and valued, and he does not stop until he has done so. He is stubbornly persistent in making peace, which is really such a wonderful thing in my opinion. Silver is almost there. He possesses the same desire and ache to have peace, but he does not work so hard for it. When he sees people opposing, he does try to say something to mediate, but as soon as someone bites back and refuses that peace he's trying to bring, he keeps silent. He says nothing more. He does this as a way to not further contribute to the conflict (because if he tries to mediate where it isn't desires, that will just cause more problem). He is so so so passive that he does not push through with the good things he is trying to do, and he settles instead for simply keeping some of that peace instead of going through and creating it where it needs to be. He settles for less than what he aims for in fear if creating more conflict.
Do you see what I'm trying to say? Even Silver's valuable and strong qualities (his compassion and kindness and ability to mediate between others) are being washed away by himself and himself only because these qualities are so different from what he sees in the people he values [MALLEUS], and so he doesn't think they're important or useful and he finds them even meaningless because these qualities are his and his alone; they are different and apart from the rest of the Diasomnia members but it's BECAUSE the others lack them that he sees them as invaluable. He sees himself and he sees his differences as bad things, and so he tries to rid of them and rid of himself to instead be more like the people he does value. He completely washes away all of his individuality (even the GOOD things that make him STRONGER than others) because he doesn't want to deviate or be too different from the people he values. He is pushing himself down, he is watering himself away, he is numbing every ability for the sake of filling himself with the needs of others [again, Malleus!]
I also want to briefly compare Kalim/Rook/Silver in terms of their grounded-ness. I feel as though all three of them are not quite in touch with reality. Kalim, I think, is quite capable of really living and feeling in the present moment, but his lack of sense-of-reality comes when he thinks too positively of things, not quite grasping the density of the things around him. Rook, I think, is very similar, but he is more aimless and less present. I think he stumbles without any real direction, but he focused his mind on seeing beauty (sight... paying attention to any of the 5 senses assists in grounded-ness, at least for me), but I feel like he could also get too much in his head at times and lose that stability in favor of gravity. But, it's temporary, and I think he is able to pull himself into reality quite easily when need be. However, with Silver, he... exceeds aimlessness. It's haziness, as if going through life in a fog. Only half-alive. Not just sleeping most the time, but even awake, his mind is out of focus and lost. He is not just out of touch with reality, he is out of touch with himself, and unlike Kalim and Rook, he has no energy or presence anywhere at all. "Almost always everywhere, never quite anywhere." That's how he lives his life. Asleep and half-alive.
Silver is honestly... a vacant shell for others people to flow through him. For others, this is good because they benefit from it, but for himself it's horrible because he numbs himself with it--his own emotions and even his sense of self. He becomes empty of his own identity, filled instead with the energy of others. Completely groundless and succumbing entirely to the gravity of his mind.
Not to mention that sleepiness is a common trait of people who regularly suppress their own personalities. Though they might not do much actively, they still take up a lot of their own energy to be that shell for others to fill, and they also stress themselves by doing this as well but their apathy and detachment from reality doesn't allow them to properly feel that stress, so it translates instead into tiredness and sleepiness, and it's actually common for these kinds of people to be napping most of the day. It's also literally "falling asleep" to their own desires and ambitions, their own feelings and own identity. It's a way of numbing themselves in order to be filled by others; like this is literally a real thing that happens to people, and I have no doubt in my mind that this is what's happening to Silver as well.
ALSO HIS NAME. his name is... Silver. That's all. No last name, no way of saying exactly where he belongs. Simple, bland, and separate from everyone. Just Silver. It's literally just his hair color. There's no sentimental significance in his name at all. And he... accepts this. He accepts this as his only identification with no question or fight.
I know this seems like such a minor detail and that I'm maybe looking too deep into it, but I promise you I am not. I promise there is more to his name than just "a fairy couldn't choose a name for a baby human". Sure, that's likely where the name came from, but the fact that Silver at his current age just accepts this holds so much significance. It shows that he. does. not. care. He does not care about who he is. He does not care about his own person; he has completely washed away his own identity that calling him "Silver" is good enough for him. No meaning behind it. Just an empty word to be addressed by. Do you understand how sad this is? He sees himself as nothing special--so much to the point where he almost becomes... nobody... for he waters down every individual thing about himself so that others can fill him instead.
How do y'all not see this in Silver... Seriously how do y'all not see this in Silver?? this is who he is; he is so empty and void because he is constantly hallowing himself out for the sake of others really HOW DO YOU NOT SEE he is drowning himself... Silver is drowning
I'm sorry agaksgahsk I know this was way longer than maybe necessary but thank you so much for sticking to the end 💗
Also, I'm really not trying to... enforce my ideas about Silver onto anyone. People have their own ways of interpreting characters (especially since we don't really know much about Silver as of yet), and I totally get it. Every interpretation is beautiful; I want you to know. I'm just trying to get my own thoughts out there in the hopes that someone else might also understand and agree. To me, this is the truth of who he is 💗💗 but anything can be possible! thank you for reading this
335 notes · View notes