#(NOT that it matters i am much less insecure in my need for online validation than i used to be- | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lilyevansgf · 3 years

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if you feel comfortable sharing, how old were you when you started questioning ur sexuality/realized what the ‘signs‘ meant?

i actually have a lot to say abt this sorry hdjdkdk

i was 11, in 6th grade. i’d just gotten a phone and learned what the lgbt community was online (previously i only had vague ideas of what being gay was, and i certainly didn’t think it was something accessible to me).

i don’t exactly remember when i first thought i might like girls (middle school was. a blur to say the least) but i do remember taking a million “am i gay” quizzes, staring at pictures of celebrity men/women side by side and trying to compare who i liked better, reading people’s coming out stories, stuff like that. i eventually came out as bi to my best friend because i liked a girl we were friends with. something that helped MASSIVELY was when he said “me too.” it felt less—lonely, yknow?

this was the beginning of a wholeee lot of comphet. i had an almost obsessive crush on three girls throughout the course of middle school, all three of which were pretty much earth-shattering life-ending all-consuming to me back then lol. i started using the label lesbian when i was 12 because i realized i never actually had a crush on a guy, but i craved male validation soooo much (and still do) and found myself doing a lot of things just so guys would like me, while in my head, i just could not care less about men

i dunno. i learned to live with it i guess. i’m slowly trying to unlearn everything about male validation that i needed so much as a younger teen. i knew i was a lesbian back then and i know i’m a lesbian now and that’s really all that matters. the lesbian master doc is a fantastic resource that i reread almost every single time that i feel bad about my identity—i’ve got a few bi friends irl and online who’ve said the lesbian master doc helped them feel secure in their bisexuality as well, which is just a fun bonus.

as for early childhood? i used to be obsessed with the idea of being a perfect housewife, perfect mom, etc etc blah blah. i grew up in an extremely heteronormative environment & i’d convinced myself it was what i wanted—but looking back, i 100% had a crush on the pink power ranger lmfao

at the end of the day i think it’s just about analyzing the relationships you have with your parents/guardians & childhood experiences and figuring out the root of your insecurities and issues with them, because if you don’t break down preconceived notions about the world, you’re never gonna get the most natural answer out of yourself (and it’s okay to never have an answer/label as well!) i know i can trace back my need for male validation to the fact that my dad has a very heavy work schedule and isn’t home a lot. i can trace my childhood desire to be a good mother with a husband and a white picket fence to the fact that my childhood was just extremely restrictive in the type of people i met and the content i was allowed to consume. for me at least, figuring out my sexuality wasn’t a one time thing—i’m secure in my label and in my identity, but every single day i’m dealing with learning how to be comfortable and safe in it. that’s the most important part imo. & education — learning about lgbt history, learning about different identities and people and talking to lgbt ppl irl — it’s all super important

#anyways i’m gonna stop before i type out a whole essay #okay to rb lol #asks #this was fun ty!#long post

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dolliedarlin · 3 years

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OMG HIIIII AND WELCOME BACK!! I MISSED YOU!!! 🥰❤️🥰❤️🥰❤️🥰

i’m so glad you’re back!! i’ve been gone from the app for a while and it was such a nice surprise to open it and see you in my notifications!!!

im doing better now than i was! i’m still in a bit of a slump, but i’m working on trying to find routines that work for me. it’s a difficult process but we’ll get through it!

sadly i was in the hospital 2 days ago, as i work for a florist and i deliver flowers and when i went to deliver to one of the houses, their dog attacked me and bit me pretty badly :( thankfully the dog was up on its vaccinations and so was i, so i didn’t have to get any shots. and with animal bites, even if the wound is pretty deep they most of the time won’t close them with stitches to prevent infections. i thankfully was released the same day and have been taking it easy to recover. sadly it will scar, but i’m trying to look on the bright side.

other than that i’ve been trying to keep myself busy by working (well before i got hurt), catching up on reading, trying to watch new animes/movies, and hanging with my friends. i start school on this coming thursday (26) so that will be another thing to add to my plate.

as for the person i had feelings for, we are still friends, so we chat a lot, and they are very kind to me. i’m happy that they’re happy in their relationship and i’m happy being their friend as they are very supportive to me :)

thank you so much for the kind words and advice you sent me, it means so much to me and i appreciate you so so much! you mean the world to me and i’m so thankful for your friendship ❤️

i’m sorry to hear that you too, have been feeling quite low lately. and i’m always here to talk if you want to. you do so much for me, it’s the least i can do <3 hopefully you’re here to stay for a while, as i’ve missed your presence dearly <3

thank you so much for the warm welcome back and it's equally as wonderful to see you in my ask box again, too! i'm so happy you're doing better now, dollface, that's all i could ask for 🥰 yes! i love that positive attitude, it'll take you so far in life so keep it up! 💕

oh darling, i'm so sorry to hear that, i hope you weren't in too much pain. i can definitely see you working for a florist, i don't know why but it's so you, so kind and charming and sweet. those scars will only be as ugly as you make them to be so with your positive mindset, they'll only add to your beauty ❤️ but at the same time, it's okay to feel insecure and let those negative feelings out, recognise them, validate them and understand them whenever or if they ever choose to manifest, okay? be as kind to yourself as you are to other people. finding that balance is hard sometimes but as long as you remember that toxic positivity is just as bad as toxic negativity, you're golden

you're always on the grind, aren't you, my love? well done, i admire and am deeply motivated by your work ethic but remember to stay hydrated, eat well and rest/sleep a good amount. i'm sure you already know that but this is just a gentle reminder, okay? i care for you and would hate to see you burned out before you even started college especially with your recent injury.

you have such a golden heart and i'm so lucky to have met you! goodness, how are you so precious and kind? 🥺 no one will ever be good enough for you in my book; i'm fully convinced that you're an angel on earth! anyone would be so lucky and blessed to have you in their lives, whether that be as their romantic partner, a friend, family member or an acquaintance. don't ever forget your value, okay, darling? and don't ever settle for anything less for yourself in life! you deserve the best and only the best!

of course, i'm always here when you need me, i promise! and thank you, i'll hold you to that and reach out if i ever feel too down. know that i feel exactly the same way, which is strange seeing as i used to view online interactions as less sincere than real-life interactions; i'm so glad to be proven wrong and the be proven wrong by you 💗😊

i've missed you terribly too so i'm committed to stay for as long as i can, even with the start of university approaching for me as well. even though i've been down lately, i want to assure you that i've been trying to work on myself by getting rid of my bad habits. it's a slow process and sometimes hard but progress, no matter how small, is still progress, right? so i'm sure that, with time, i'll get better 🥰

#love; dollie

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jamesdazell · 3 years

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My Own Private Life

Through social media we have come to connect with people from far off places that we may have more in connection with than those locally at hand. Ever being able to bring people together who share the same interests. And from one spot on Earth to start businesses and instigate movements.

People like to follow another person's journey on social media. We make our personal journey public and we all become tourists and voyeurs of one another. We become journalists of our own lives. Whatever we do our life must inevitably end in publication. We becomes brands, creating markets of our life. Never boring, never unhappy, never angry, and everything must be praised, everything momentarily interesting as it is passive. It must compell us to pause, like, and sscroll through. We must appear so suitable for social media that we must do what we can to avoid low ilkes and unfollowings. So much that every moment of personal vulnerability must be praised for making it a public thought, which we feel is momentarily off-brand, and risk-taking honesty.

Instagram is a kind of parade of vanity. It's a new kind of e-commerce, as we become billboards advertising a life. Our life now being perpetually a means for the service of public relations. Life's feeling of unevenness, needing consolation and esteem, gained from the validation of others liking and subscribing to their life's publication. We become actors of our own lives, we become politicians on campaign, advertising selling moments as a new kind of materialism, where everything seems on the surface of public appearance, and the subjectivity of personal feelings. Faced with life, in the consideration of our existence, our choices amount to nothing but what we can post next. Like a tradesman who's existence is directed to what they can sell at the market. As such it is befitting for those seeking redemption of character, those who cherish masks, the inauthentic, the superficial, the profit seeking, the immature, the materialistic, the bored, the insecure, and the industrious. It is the mechanics of the same spirit of that exists in the spirit of our economic capitalism. We must throw new products into the market, advertise, grow our market, and accumulate the currency of likes, and when we are special and elected we are honoured with verification. Yet life is elsewhere.

So much of life is removed from what can be posted that I find it too hard to be authentic. I look at my profile and I relate to nothing. Can one or any number of photographs reveal me? Should I be trying to when someone can know me better after spending an hour with me? It has become weird to say in this era, that the experience and activity is simply my life and the people who I share it with. That is enough satisfy me. I don't need to share my life so publically. The activity of my private life is my life. Whatever photos I take mean something to me immeasurable, and I do not gain value by putting them up for public estimation of their value by how many people like them. It demeans everything immediately for me. When I share my work, I want the experience to be “like-it-or-not” and have nothing of “like-counters.” What cognitive dissonance the pressures are brought upon younger people of how a life “ought to be” what we “ought to be doing” worse still “what life might gain likes and followers” such concerns within our existence is a debasement of life itself. Life is not concerned, nor enriched by this.

Social media is less than life, so less that it glamorises things which are unremarkable in life, and manages to do so because the experience of life is stripped from its impression of life. It discards the atmosphere that surrounds us in experiences, it removes the character of life that pervades experiences, the inevitable and typical characteristics of life, shaved off in favour of a decorative-life, all the tremors of life consoled by beautiful images. Instagram is fundamentally Romantic, as Twitter is Existential. Two dispositions defined by their underlying pessimism, anxiety, and despair at the world, which must be continously indulged and consoled.

I like a very personal relationship to my life, and I tihnk writing is all about indulging in that. I think great writing is felt as if its so personal you don't really intend to show it to anybody, and until its done you can't even talk about it. Really deeply feeling that you're in that place you're in personally and can't be brought out of it, that life just comes as it is. You can't manipulate it with photographs and console for it with likes. The richness of experiencing life isn't the hedonistic emancipation but getting past the anxiety and despair at existence by indulging into the very things constitutes life. The existentialist sees it very clearly but dislikes it because they don't have the capacity for it. Social media serves this condition by consoling and escaping this perception never allowing one to indulge in it she accepts of it into the complete character of life. Therefore it denies a higher gratitude. The motivations of life are debased compared to life without it. The motivations become merely economical. Every event of life becoming a moment for public promotion. But some things in life are supposed to be private and some things are meant to be temporary and transitory like breath into the air.

The grief in my life comes from the internet, and other media. Things that are frustrating online are not frustrating in person. My actual personal experience in lfie is far better. Strangers treat me better in real life than online, and my presence in real space has more influence in person than online. Our feelings are related to our physical space not the space we artificially appear online. The perspectives we share are a debasement of perspective from the real world. But social media is an existentialism. It is an overly personal view of reality, distorted and manipulated. It offers us an alternative to life, not something more but something less than life. The Internet is a shallow and immature version of a real experience.

I don't post often on social media because I like to cherish my own private moment. Not to sell it. To admit that what happened to me only happened to me. To retain an exclusivity of my life, to own my life, not anonymity for lack of its public exposure. To feel that sense of existence, the rawness of it being just me and my life. Life is messy, sometimes boring, sometimes scary things confront us, and no matter how well we plan, we stare into uncertainty. Whilst each day we haved lived not the same, but through each grown older. Everything that might cause people dread, anxiety, suffering, crisis, is the rawness of life coming into recognition, and it's important to stand in life and recall what it feels like to be alive, the coexisting sweet and sour, danger and joy, and not console for it with pretty posts, or avert it with substances. The task in life is to scale up to that rawness, which is the plurality of life;s circumstances, responsibilities, typical and inevitable events, the social constitution, everything that makes up life. I have choices to make, responsibilities to accept or discard, my health, my dependencies, my past choices and future to consider. I am not what I look like, and life is more than what I look out to. My social presence is being with others, not posting selfies. The experience of activity defines the event, not the photo opportunity of proof that I was there in it. To be where I am without feeling a need to connect it to a public broadcast but to enjoy it for my own pleasure of experiencing it. To feel dread, worry, concern, peace, joy, anxiety, with myself. To accept life for what it is in its fullness and not reduce it to a cropped impression. On social media existence has no context, there is no feeling of life to its pictures, it is an abstracted identity, discontinuous from the atmosphere and forces of life that make up a moment. It rather consoles for life, than amounts to it, by isolating a moment in life from a particular angle. Whenever I post anything on Instagram or Twitter, there's suddenly an emptiness to it. Sharing it with everyone and no one, therefore it doesn’t contribute to nor develop friendship directly, and raises a conversation no one entered, but is the performance of an indirect relationship with no intimacy. Its richness was in that I valued it, and I deprived it of that by putting it up for public auction.

Twitter presents a realm of anxiety. It is an absurdity to consider a moment of life through the spirit of another's opinion as though their thought ought to be your own. I think it’s a debasement to attack one's own perspective by means of bombarding one's mind perpetually with the views of others. We work out a perspective not always because it is true but because it is empowering. There is also a need to be wrong, to think however we will, for a time. The world must carry our own definition as we proceed through it. Our perspective must befit our character, objectives, and our own personal development. It is unnatural to try to refine it into an homogeneous direction. An active thought is a direction of thought not à finality of thought. The only final thought is one we no longer think. Our thoughts are like leaves on a tree that appear and fall away. We only have the wisdom we are strong enough to accept. To live in another’s opinon is as if to depart from yourself and live another life. Own the consequence of your own opinion. No opinion is final but is a door to a door to a door. For a time you needed to see the world like this and then this and now this, resting at no convictions. We are all developing a maturity at our own pace, and cannot swashbuckle our thoughts to attain it. Your own opinion delivers you onwards and is obstructed by the public hostility of another's personal conviction, each demanding another see the world through their own thoughts. I like being alone and I like being with people, but I'm not much for this weird artificial life. I'm a writer but without interest in becoming a journalist of my own life, nor posting photos as a tourist of my days, nor consoling for my personal existence by turning in to a public magazine. The rawness of life is missing from our culture and without it there cannot be good writers, as that is their territory. Nor the richness of life that artists assist us with living in affirmation of such a rawness. Until we enjoy the boundless plurality of life's forces at play when we are present in life and come once again into recognition of the rawness of our mortal existence.

We've created a culture of billboards, parable bumper sticker wisdom, game show success, that's mixes all too much with the great unwashed, narrated by the journalists we've become of our own lives. Hopefully this shallow, immature, information lead, on demand, game show success culture, will be overtaken by a culture that wants real experiences, the exclusivity of living in the moment, appreciates the effort to get to maturity and make real intimate bonds with people, and wants to contribute to a field and its history rather than become famous by turning their life into lifestyle advert.

2020.

#social media #facebook #twitter #instagram #youtube #socialmedia #google #googlesearch #seo #anxiety #freedom #despair #corruption #anxious #romantic #romanticism

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prettywordsyouwrite · 4 years

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How do you deal with other writers? A writer I looked up to had been leaving positive comments on my fics but eventually stopped commenting altogether and basically told me they were trying to be supportive, but my writing isn't really their thing.

My fics are niche as it is (a rarepair in an already very tiny fandom), so I don't get a ton of kudos and comments to begin with. They write for a popular pairing and have the most popular fic in the fandom.

I am absolutely heartbroken and I'm doubting myself. I'm in a discord that includes this writer and now I just feel bad and want to leave the server, but I would miss the other friends I've made there. I just feel like my writing sucks and I don't fit in with all the great writers on the discord and I don't have anything to add to conversations anymore. I also feel like I don't want to read and comment on their fic anymore, because it just reminds me that mine aren't good enough.

First off, I just want to say that your feeling of heartbreak is validated. This writer shouldn’t have told you the reason why they read your stories. Writing is hard enough, let alone getting any feedback for it! And I truly feel there are ways to approach things where honest feedback can help (if requested by the writer for such feedback!), but most of the time, people post online in these communities for validation of what they’ve worked hard on. As a fellow writer, I’m ashamed to read someone knocked you for your writing, knowing full well how much effort each individual puts into writing.

Writing is a form of art and expression and not showing the respect it deserves even if it’s not your cup of tea really grates me. I personally don’t like some genres of writing and have read some stories that aren’t my thing. We all have in our journey as a reader! However, I would never go around telling another writer anything less than “good job”... your work doesn’t deserve to be diminished all because they feel they are in a position of power to do so.

However, I think a lot of us all have doubts about our work, and how we fare in the writing communities that we belong to. So you’re definitely not alone in this!

For me, I will admit that whilst I’ve loved immersing myself around other writers, getting to know how they approach certain topics and how they enjoy writing and sharing that joy with them, there’s a whole other side fuelled on by my insecurities, that I find myself struggling with the concept of being an active member of any writing community. I have had moments during my time here where my writing has truly been impacted by these communities and my desire to be accepted and feeling like I’m not. I understand your current mindset of not wanting to contribute or feeling your input would not be worthy in this Discord server. I’ve been there before myself!

It’s damn hard to be a writer and maintain an audience. It’s two different worlds. We write for the enjoyment of the process (well, I hope that’s what you write for), and we post for the feedback of said work. If we don’t get interaction, we’re less motivated to continue. But allowing your writing journey to be dictated by others isn’t fair to you, or the words bursting to be written either. As hard as it is, if you’re happy writing in the genre that you do and it brings you joy, then that’s the main thing.

Right now, I feel the impact of others is causing your self-doubt to go beyond the level it should. You have been given “evidence” from this writer, who you’ve respected and now you carry that around on your shoulders. I think you need to step back, or leave the Discord server temporarily, and focus on how to navigate the “evidence” this person has given you. How can you remove the baggage this careless person has thrown at you? You don’t have to carry their problems around. Because as hurtful as this is, and cruel as this person was knowing full well that you no doubt have supported them a great deal in return, you aren’t the one with the problem. They are. And they simply made it your problem by voicing it. Their voice matters and they don’t seem to realise this or care enough, given their status in the community. Which isn’t uncommon, sadly.

But you also matter. And I truly hope this ramble of an answer allows you to feel so. You’re not alone and you are worthy. Your work has no doubt touched someone out there. It’s so easy to focus on the negative comments but I bet you’ve had some really kind ones as well. Go back and reread them. You might find some healing in knowing you matter from this exercise.

I truly hope you can rediscover your confidence as you are good enough.

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tswiftdaily · 5 years

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TAYLOR SWIFT: 30 THINGS I LEARNED BEFORE TURNING 30

According to my birth certificate, I turn 30 this year. It's weird because part of me still feels 18 and part of me feels 283, but the actual age I currently am is 29. I've heard people say that your thirties are "the most fun!" So I'll definitely keep you posted on my findings on that when I know. But until then, I thought I'd share some lessons I've learned before reaching 30, because it's 2019 and sharing is caring.

ONE: I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me I look . I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

TWO: Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. While it may be born from having been raised to be a polite young lady, this can contribute to some of your life’s worst regrets if someone takes advantage of this trait in you. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you.

THREE: Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching. That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching.

FOUR: I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.

FIVE: Banish the drama. You only have so much room in your life and so much energy to give to those in it. Be discerning. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isn’t cruel. It’s just a simple setting on your phone that will eliminate drama if you so choose to use it.

SIX: I’ve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we aren’t allowed to age. It’s an impossible standard to meet, and I’ve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject. Reading her words feels like hearing a voice of reason amongst all these loud messages out there telling women we’re supposed to defy gravity, time, and everything natural in order to achieve this bizarre goal of everlasting youth that isn’t even remotely required of men.

SEVEN: My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didn’t know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months. There was a tremendous amount of planning, expense, and effort put into keeping my fans safe. My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address I’ve ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

EIGHT: I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

NINE: I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

TEN: I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life: Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)

ELEVEN: Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.

TWELVE: Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say “I’m sorry, but...” and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.

THIRTEEN: It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my sexual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience. I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.” It’s something no one would choose for themselves. We speak up because we have to, and out of fear that it could happen to someone else if we don’t.

FOURTEEN: When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.

FIFTEEN: Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.

SIXTEEN: Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know...get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people? These are things a first impression could never convey.

SEVENTEEN: After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin. I now moisturize my face every night and put on body lotion after I shower, not just in the winter, but all year round, because, why can’t I be soft during all the seasons?!

EIGHTEEN: Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them.

NINETEEN: Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.

TWENTY: Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.

TWENTY-ONE: Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

TWENTY-TWO: How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.

TWENTY-THREE: I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. I’ll never forget the ones who stuck around.

TWENTY-FOUR: I’ve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. Both of my parents have had cancer, and my mom is now fighting her battle with it again. It’s taught me that there are real problems and then there’s everything else. My mom’s cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.

TWENTY-FIVE: I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

TWENTY-SIX: I make countdowns for things I’m excited about. When I’ve gone through dark, low times, I’ve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (they’re free) and adding things I’m looking forward to. Even if they’re not big holidays or anything, it’s good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and it’s good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.

TWENTY-SEVEN: I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.” It would be nice if we could get an apology from people who bully us, but maybe all I’ll ever get is the satisfaction of knowing I could survive it, and thrive in spite of it.

TWENTY-EIGHT: I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.

TWENTY-NINE: I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From birth, I had the curliest hair and now it is STRAIGHT. It’s the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, they’ve left me. Please pray for their safe return.

THIRTY: My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.

ELLE

#taylor swift #elle #article

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kayliemusing · 3 years

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1. Is there something you have been trying to learn lately? - There’s kind of a few, because I feel like they all tie into one. Self acceptance is a big one, self-discipline, productivity, and trusting in God (which has proven to be the hardest thing. It hurts to trust in something you don’t see the outcome of, but it hurts too much not to trust in God.)

2. If you ever feel like you are different from your extended family, in which ways is this? - My dad/s side of the family is really toxic. There’s a lot of hypocrisy, drama, mental illness, drug addictions, and religiousness on that side (and when I say religious, I mean shame-y religion which I don’t agree with at all.) But my dad was really different from them. He was very kind, open to council, very steady and stable despite coming from such a dysfunctional background, and he loved God so truly that a lot of that pure ‘religion’ that exists within his family was broken off of him, and then I have my mom too, who is very fun, kind, caring, etc, so I grew up around more normalcy than my cousins did. My parents just parented me well and they talked about God to me and my sister a lot in such a good way that I never grew up around pure, shame-y, rule-bound religion which I think is the explanation why I (and my sister) are very different from our extended family. My dad died when I was fifteen so I don’t see that side very often, especially because they’re just entirely chaotic and dysfunctional so when I am around them it’s way more noticeable how different we are. (Sorry for big explanation. I’m in a super reflective mood lol.)

3. When you think about your future career, do you envision yourself becoming the head honcho or CEO? If not, why not? - I’ve always kind of wanted to have this leader-esque feeling to my career, but no, I don’t see myself being a CEO. I really just want to be an author so I guess I would have some level of being a leader to my own business, but not quite on a CEO type level. Right now, I’m trying to focus on fiction but I’m easily overwhelmed by it so I have been considering other mediums of writing. I just don’t know what that is or what fits right.

4. Is there something that you are sort of weird about talking about? Like, a thing that other people find casual, but you feel uncomfortable when the subject comes up? - Sex, is the first thing that comes to mind, but not sex in general. More like the conversations that are too much, you know? Lol. Some people go really into detail or can be graphic about their sex lives and I’m just like, please don’t. I don’t mind generically talking about it, but there’s a line. 5. Can you think of a time when you seriously misjudged a music artist based on their name? - I don’t think so.

6. Do you ever make negative comments about other body types? How does it make you feel when you see or hear negative comments about your body type, or a physical trait that you have (even when it’s not directed at you)? - Sometimes I have the tendency to judge other body types (i.e. I really don’t like the thigh gap look), but it’s never malicious and I’m always trying to be aware that others can’t help what they look like and if they’re happy in their body, that’s what matters. I struggle with disordered eating and kind of sit on that line between having an eating disorder and not having one so I’m very sensitive about my body and its type. I have a chubby tummy and I’m so insecure that it’s not flat that when I hear anyone say anything negative about not having a flat stomach it’ll ruin my day or I’ll just feel really ashamed.

7. If you are in a situation where you feel like you are being attacked or not respected, how easy or difficult is it for you to stay and keep your head rather than leave in a huff? - I’ll usually leave the conversation. Maybe slam a door lol. I’ll usually stand my ground until I finally feel like I’m not heard or no one cares and then I’m out.

9. When you think about how attractive you feel and your favorite features, are you comparing yourself to a societal ideal? - Yes. I happen to be well-acquainted with the comparison game.

10. If you have a favorite song right now: What is it? How did you first hear it? Why do you like it so much? - My favourite song is probably Coney Island by Taylor Swift right now. It’s from Taylor’s new album Evermore, but I have a couple on that album that tie for my favourite song right now (Honorable mentions: Willow, Cowboy Like Me, Tis The Damn Season). I absolutely love how poetic this song is and I think one of my all time favourite lyrics she has ever written is in that song: “If I can’t relate to you anymore then who am I related to?” This song for me just feels like I’m reading a poem and I just sink right into the story she’s telling.

11. Have you ever had someone that has been your friend for a while come to you and tell you they had romantic feelings for you? How did you respond, and did the friendship survive? - I did have a friend of mine tell me they had feelings for me. We had become friends in the eighth grade and then he confessed his feelings for me in the ninth grade, I told him I didn’t feel the same way but we stayed friends and it didn’t ruin anything, and then he confessed again in the eleventh grade and I said no to him again. After that final rejection, we never really made it back to being friends for a few reasons a) We stopped being in the same classes, b) I think he was really hurt and c) his friend (who is most dramatic than a girl by the way, and ironically dating one of my friends at the time) stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and gave his two cents and that was kind of when it fell apart. I didn’t really know his friend so it was weird that he had this narrative of me that he said “was leading X on” when I was just trying to be his friend but it’s whatever now. That was when I was like sixteen lol.

12. Hypothetically speaking, if Hillary Clinton were running for President as a democrat against Chris Christie as a republican in 2016, who do you predict would win the election? - Well, since it’s 2021 now, I would predict that Trump would win and divide America.

13. When you are getting to know someone new online (particularly someone male), how cautious are you of the possibility that they are serial killer/kidnapper? - I honestly never think of this, mostly because we live in such an online world now and I’m an adult. I don’t really know how much of this still happens, but you just don’t hear about it anymore. Not to mention, if it is a male, it’s most likely a pedophile (which is still gross) rather than a killer or kidnapper.

14. If you are talking to someone that you want to get to know, what are your go-to conversation topics? What subject makes you disappointed when another person isn’t interested in or knowledgable about it? - Tbh I feel like I’m really bad at conversations and I don’t know how to lead them because I’m quiet and scared of looking stupid. I know I really like deep conversations more than basic questions. However, it’s very important that I know their opinion on Taylor Swift because if there’s a chance they don’t like Taylor Swift, I already know that the person is probably not worth my time. For real though, if I’m having a conversation with someone, I usually get disappointed if I find out they’re a partier or drink a lot, because I’m really not into any of that stuff so it’s immediately like playing the Sims and having the minus sign appear above my head.

15. Say you have a lot of free time and want to join a club or class. You are browsing postings on local bulletin boards and online. What sort of group would you be interested in joining (e.g., book club, game group, crafts, golf lessons, etc.)? - A romance-only book club, DIY club.

16. Have you ever kissed someone that you didn’t really want to kiss (not assault, just indifference)? Why did you go along with it and how did you feel after? - Nah I’ve never been kissed

17. Have you recently learned anything about your personality? If not, have you ever consciously tried to change your personality? - Sort of recently, it was something I discovered last year which is that I’m a neurotic perfectionist and what I mean by that is I’m a perfectionist in a very self destructive way. I’ve always known I was ‘particular’ or others would say ‘has high-standards/expectations’ but I realized that it’s literally just perfectionism.

18. Are you or any of your friends in a sorority or fraternity? Would you be interested in belonging to one? - No and I don’t really understand what they are or why they’re a thing.

19. Can you recall a recent time that you were surprised, but in a bad way? - Yes. When my job eluded that they thought I was stealing from the registers. This happened around September 2020? Basically they didn’t flat out say that’s what they thought, but they made comments that the tills were either short or over at the ends of the night whenever I would be working and dead ass said “it looks suspicious”. I think it was surprising because I’ve worked there was two years and really felt like they should have known my character. (I literally am afraid of getting in trouble for the smallest things and they seriously thought I was capable of stealing from them lmao)

20. Do you feel uncomfortable when you receive praise for doing certain things? If so, does this make you less likely to do those things? - No totally the opposite. I really struggle with validation and I never feel good enough, which is something I’m working on, but it feels almost like I thrive on praise. Maybe it’s because my love language is words of affirmation?? I just always like/need to know when I’m doing a good job so when I don’t get praise or validation my self esteem plummets.

21. Do you make spontaneous purchases often or rarely? When you are upset does it make you temporarily happier to buy yourself something new? - Spontaneous purchases, often because I have no self control lol, but lately I’ve been working hard to try to save more. And yes when I’m upset, it does make me feel better to buy things.

22. If you have to wake up early for something, what time is just TOO early for you to be there and be presentable and sentient? Have you ever had to be somewhere that early? - 5 am. I think I can manage 6 am, but anything before that is a no from me. I used to work at 5 am when I worked at Chapters, but it was a nice shift because I finished work at 10 am and then went home and napped for two hours and then had literally the entire day.

23. Have the majority of your romantic relationships started with a physical attraction or a deeper connection? - I’ve never had a romantic relationship oops. But at least I read romance novels every day (and I write romance too!) I’ll try to answer this based on what I think would happen. I think it would start as a physical attraction and I think a lot of relationships start that way but they become something when you have a real connection. I think there are relationships that can start the other way though too, but I’d say for me it’ll probably be physical attraction first.

24. Do you ever catch any of those conspiracy shows on Animal Planet, like Bigfoot hunting or proof of Mermaids? Do those shows make your more or less likely to believe in the existence of such creatures? - No, but I DO watch ghost conspiracy theories/”REAL GHOST CAUGHT ON CAMERA” videos on Youtube for fun. But no I don’t believe in any of that stuff.

25. Did you ever write a fan letter to a celebrity? How about submit something to a magazine? - I’ve never technically written a fan letter to a celebrity but I wrote a post on tumblr to Taylor Swift a couple years ago that she’ll never see lol. And I’ve never submitted anything to a magazine, but I’d like to one day.

#survey

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themysterioussilence · 4 years

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A letter to myself: post-break up.

It’s been two days since you officially broken up with your ex. The first man you really loved. The first man you had a serious relationship with. The first man you would consider having future with.

It hurts you a lot. The break up. The thought of not being able to hear his voices and see his faces whenever he wakes up, do nothing, be there with him in a call, play games, listen to him talking, talk to him before he goes to sleep and all the memories and risk you had taken just to meet him at somewhere you never thought you’d go at this age. It was crazy for me to do all of these, just because of love.

The relationship wasn’t perfect. You’ve had a lot of arguments and fights. You had fun together. You had plans together. You strived to grow together. But it has come to a point where you realized that you need to respect yourself.

Throughout the relationship, you have always been insecure. Your insecurities mostly dominate your feelings even though sometimes you reassure yourself and him that it is okay, and that is all my issue I need to fix. Which is true. The insecurity comes from myself, either it’s about my self esteem or the attachment issue I had when I was a kid, or it could be both. Not to mention, that communication is not your forte. In the beginning of the relationship, you were not very communicative, you were not open to sharing your problems etc with him. It took you few months or even several months to open up your feelings and trust him. And even after a year, you still found it hard to talk about your problem or even days because of trust issue and unwillingness to be open. When that happens, it is obvious that my ego must have been activated. Most of the problems surfaced because of ego, because I really want to protect myself from getting hurt.

The reason why you made your decision to break up is because you’ve had enough of not having self-respect for yourself. He hurt you in a way that your trust was broken because of what he’s done. He still seeks and needs validation from people, especially girls which at first when I knew about that, I was fine with it and tried to understand his need but only if he could keep his boundaries and not cross the line. I trusted him. I respected his needs and let him get what he needs. I’m not gonna lie that it hurts that he still needs that and wish that the only validation he needs from is from me. But I know I can’t be selfish for wanting his eyes on me only, I couldnt change that.

Three days ago, he asked me if he ever made my heart flutter. The next thing I know, he started telling me about how one of the girls he met and be friends online did make his heart flutter when she told him that she liked him as a person. Up until then, it was okay because okay he does have a good personality. But what he did next was the deal breaker for you, he told the girl that he might have a little crush on her. That shit hurt a lot. Hearing that from someone who keeps on telling you that he loves me, and know that it’s gonna hurt me, broke me down.

We talked about what does cheating mean for each other, and I specifically told him that if you treat other people the same way you treat me romantically. And if you act on your feelings. I’m aware that we can be attracted to people while in a relationship, but acting on your feelings? That shit is a choice. A choice. His justification was he wanted to face his feelings and get over it once he expressed it, and he was relieved when he found out that the girl does not like him back that way. Which I couldnt care less. I couldnt care less about how he feels about the girl not liking him that way. That made me question what would happen if the girl really liked him in that way? He said that he would cut the contact but I find it hard to believe. He might do that but he might be feeling so validated and might not stop think about it. Anyway, this doesnt matter.

After hearing all that, I started to question myself if I’m not good enough for him. Why did he need to do that? Why until that extent? What is it about me that is not satisfying for him? I thought it through and came to conclusion that it was an opening for cheating. He valued his self gratification need wanting validations so much to the point he put our relationship at risk. I can accept him who he is but I find it hard to accept what he has done. Actions speak louder. I decided to respect myself and save myself from getting hurt again in the future.

Although he made a bad choice, I am grateful that he chose to be truthful and open to me for what he has done. That’s one thing that I respect. It wouldve been worse if he kept this from me. He’s a very communicative person, and that I really admire. He has a lot fo great quality as a person, as a man, but I can’t just overlook what he has done especially when it involves my self worth and risk my self to keep on disrespecting myself.

I truly believe that if it’s meant to be, it will come around. Maybe now isn’t the right time for both of us to be together. He and I have things we need to improve on. I hadnt’ been a perfect partner: jealousy, communication issue, trust issue and so on. I learnt a lot from this relationship and from him. He taught me a lof things and from him, i discovered a lot about myself, him, other people and aspects in life. It wasn’t a shame. It was great moments.

I don’t have regrets in dating him. i don’t regret taking risk for him. For us. I don’t regret exposing myself in a situation where I could get hurt; a relationship. I don’t have regrets at all. I do admit that it’s a shame that we broke up, and there’s still part of me regrets that, but I know in the future I wont regret it.

To be honest, you actually feel more relieved. Throughout the relationship, knowing his validation makes you feel like you are holding him back because it seems that he needs exploration and validations for himself. I’m proud of myself for being able to stand up and realize that I need to respect myself. If anything, this break up proved to you that you do value yourself more than other people. You have self worth.

Another perspective to see, that I can’t just be holding onto moments I’ve had with him. that would just haunt me and punishing myself, and makes it hard for me to let it go and move on. I have to embrace the moments and acknowledge that I had those moments with him. Those moments were my experiences. It made me who I am now and in the future. It’s one of the moments where one day you’ll look back and can laugh, cherish and say to myself: I was young, and hungry for experiences and I was in love. Those were not nothing, that was partially what made me who I am. No regrets at all. <3

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mrlightgivemegoodmarkplease · 4 years

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Social Lives Online: Am I alone out there, or am I never alone anymore? Supported and connected, or lonely and isolated?

Ever since I logged onto Instagram for the first time years ago, I have been greeted every day with a constant stream of content that depicts people’s lives, interests and more. At first, my pre-teen self saw this app, and many other social media platforms- such as Snapchat and Tumblr, simply as entertaining outlets to both see what my friends were up to, as well as places to express myself. To be honest, at the beginning I was seeing social media through rose coloured glasses (or perhaps I was merely naive...) because my opinion on these apps has shifted dramatically. Instagram, specifically, started out as nothing more than a fun place to interact with my immediate circle of friends. Then all of a sudden, it altered into something resembling a competitive social sport amongst all of my peers. Along with the number of friends you had at school, likes and followers became a key feature of our adolescent social lives.

Instagram morphed into a platform where you had to prove yourself, and as a constructed medium it’s central values are based around popularity. This competitive act was, for me, unnecessary stress added to the more common anxieties that came with being 13. With this technological advancement, not only did kids have to worry about their position in a hierarchy at school itself, but online as well. As new-age pre-teens in the age of Instagram we spent our evenings obsessing over things like the amount of comments on our recent posts or the number of group chats that we were a part of. Online comparison with my classmates sparked self- consciousness. It also left me feeling like I didn’t have enough friends, or that the ones I did have were uncool because they failed to get as many likes as the popular girl groups did. During a time period when I was at my most insecure, the comparative aspect of Instagram made me second guess a lot of my friendships and ultimately, my own self-worth.

I started getting caught up in a lack of validation from peers towards my own online social life, noticing that photography I posted wouldn’t get as many likes as a group selfie would. I ended up subconsciously only wanting to meet up with my friends because it would give me something interesting to post about. Hangouts that I used to look forward to for ages suddenly became stressful with the rise of social media amongst kids my age. I would worry more about taking photos for Instagram than about actually having an enjoyable time. I despise that I approached friendships this way during middle school, but I will admit that even now I still catch myself using this detrimental thought process.

I have detected a similarity between myself and countless others in my generation. Most of the people that I talk to about the toxicity of Instagram relay that they too often feel a complicated obligation towards the app. Many of my teenage peers say that they feel the need to keep up a falsely “perfect” portrayal of their social life on the platform. I find myself feeling forced by society to create an altered construction of my relationships online, one that is usually grander than reality. Often when I attend large social gatherings I notice a pressure that some people feel to post something- a fun photo or silly video, even if it doesn’t actually represent how the event went. I have found that this pressure causes people to be less in the moment, and often ultimately makes them feel disconnected from what is truly happening around them at the time.

I think that balance is key in terms of maintaining a positive social life both online and off. In the past couple of years, I have remarked that many teenagers have difficulty maintaining this balance. As a matter of fact, many young adults work harder on strengthening their online relationships (with friends, even significant others) rather than cultivating the ones they have in real life. An article written by Michael Poh for Hong Kiat (https://www.hongkiat.com/blog/online-vs-offline-social-life/) hypothesizes that there are two kinds of individuals; “(people) who complement their offline social life with their online one, and the rest who pretty much replace their offline social life with the online one.” I would say that with each younger generation, society is leaning more towards adopting the habits of the latter type of person. Many teens nowadays use the internet as their primary source of social interaction. Personally, I think that this is a problematic shift because social interaction should not only be about what is being said, but also how it is being said.

Throughout my own teenage years, I have noticed the odd effect that social media has on a young person's social life. It makes us feel insecure when we’re alone scrolling, mindlessly looking at others having what looks to be a good time. Then, when it the time comes that we are out ourselves with friends, many individuals focus on presenting all the fun they’re having, rather than actually having it.

I actively try to avoid worrying about Instagram posts anymore because all it does is breed comparison and insecurity. Although Instagram was created as a social network, I think that all it is ultimately doing is making people lonelier.

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alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog · 5 years

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Sticks and Stones

A comment left on one of my photos!*

Let’s start this by simply saying Thank you!

Thank you for taking the time to comment on one of my photos – thank you for providing your opinion on a topic that we as women face on a daily basis – I want you to know that when you attacked my body, you did not effect me in a negative way – you did not discolor my self esteem, you did not hurt me (as I have been through far worse) and you certainly did not make me think any less of myself– in fact you empowered me.

You’ve made me stronger, so thank you!

In many ways you are right, your opinion is exactly that – but it’s your form of “fit” that I do not fit into – not mine (or those who love me) You see, this whole industry is in the eye of the beholder – it’s what we choose to get out of the process that matters, it’s all indifferent and perhaps if you removed your rose-colored glasses you would see beauty in all the different shapes and sizes the human body comes in rather then taunting those around you for not having your form of fit.

Those comments set us back, they linger and are a leading cause of so much self doubt and self sabotage and that conversation needs to change, you cannot be teaching children that – in fact, you should be educating yourself because YOUR perception of what “FIT” is needs to change.

FIT is defined as

“in good health”

……especially because of regular physical exercise.

Well, that sounds like me…I mean

I have climbed the CN tower stairs, twice – all 1,776 of them.

I dance, every day for upwards of an hour or two

I lift weights every day

I fuel my body properly; I do not diet or restrict what foods I put into my body (because I am human)

So contrary to an unsolicited opinion on MY body…I AM FIT and here’s the thing- YOU (whoever you were) don’t get to decide –

I have moved past that way of thinking – and I invite you to as well!

I am not an expert. I do not have a flashy background it fitness, I am not a trainer or a nutritionist – but what I do have is life experience, I’ve been through trauma (that I am still healing from) I have demons that I have been so ashamed to face until recently because of fear of judgement from not only strangers but from people who frequent my table. The truth is none of this is easy to talk about, no one wants to stand up and talk about their body in a negative way, or relive their toxic relationships no one wants to risk appearing weak when there is already so much judgment out there, but guess what, we all have pasts, we all have gone through something that has lead us to be who we are today and just because someone has a similar story and lived through similar situations (and survived) doesn’t mean that your story is any less validated, it doesn’t make the experience any less traumatic or hard and it certainly doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to tell it – we tell our stories in hopes that it helps someone so that it shows that we can go through dark times and still rise – we should be encouraging people to read their chapters out loud instead of claiming rights to something that many of us have faced whether its disordered eating, body image, mental health, self sabotage, relationships…and so much more.

My first ever heartbreak had a lot to do with my weight at 21 … I will never forget how I watched a man that I loved fall out of love with me as the number on the scale went up. I was insecure about it but we never talked about it - I never asked the right questions I never asked if he was still attracted to me (as he gained the same “happy” weight I did) I didn’t ask if he was falling out of love with me but up until that point I never struggled with my body image and I believed that the number on the scale didn’t define me – but the truth is, it DID (in my own mind at least) – and in the end he broke up with me. Truthfully, I can pinpoint that to exactly when my negative relationship with my body started. B and I ate out a lot and If we weren’t eating out then I was cooking big meals that were greasy and with portion sizes that were out of control, I thought food solved everything. I gained about 30 “happy pounds” and hit my second puberty. My hips went up 5 sizes, my boobs were out of control and I didn’t recognize the girl I saw in the mirror anymore.

Dating as a chubby girl was seriously depressing so much so that I tried online dating (I know, save the judgment for later) I remember only using pictures of my face and avoiding anything that showed my body – and I ended up meeting this guy and after a few days of us texting we went for a movie (we had a wonderful time and he seemed really into me) but unfortunately on the ride home he pulled over 3 times and PULLED IT OUT…(I am not joking and there is a whole other story to this) anyways – I declined – politely (3 times, once with tears lol) I could tell that his ego was a little hurt. Shortly after he dropped me off at home I got a message from him that said… “you know you’re a lot bigger in person” as if that was the reason he wasn’t going to see me again - (not that he was a total pig) but honestly I was shocked and so embarrassed that someone openly commented on my weight (that wasn’t my grandma) and I wont lie It really hurt my feelings, but I politely reminded him that the weight was something I could easily work off, but he was stuck with a small dick for the rest of his life (lol) and so we never spoke again (until he came across my social media last year and has been creeping ever since!!)

The truth is in that moment I became so desperate to have my old body back - to be able to fit into my old pair of jeans (the “before” him jeans) that I started skipping meals – I lied to my loved ones about what I was putting in my body - I ended up in the hospital - multiple times with stomach pain and exhaustion - I took a leave of absence from work because I was too sick to even get out of bed.

I DID THAT - I starved my body and all I can remember thinking at the time was that it worked, I lost the weight as if it was some miracle. It didn’t change anything- I was still sad, I was still skipping meals and I knew that mentally I was not in a good place and it didn’t help that 6 months after the break up that spiraled all those negative feelings just announced he was getting married. This went on for about a year, where I struggled with disordered eating and my body image - I met matt, at my thinnest and I maintained that as long as I could - fast forward to pregnancy (which turned out the be incredibly unhealthy) I was still starving my body, its really the only pattern I knew and I continued to watch my weight, I didn’t want a repeat of what happened with B, So I limited my calorie intake – But once I realized what I was doing I started eating smaller meals more often, then the portions became larger, and within a few weeks I went from not eating the foods I wanted to eating everything in sight. I would over-eat…and then eat and then eat some more…and in 3 months I gained almost 40lbs (60lbs my total pregnancy), went borderline Diabetic and ended up having a premature birth at 7 months followed by my gallbladder being removed shortly after- great experience, right!

My mentality at that time was “Well my body is changing anyways, may as well enjoy it…”

Or “I’ve already gained this much weight, what’s another few pounds….”

WRONG, wrong, wrong WRONG - that is not a healthy mentality at all and again is a part of that self sabotaging culture that we as women live in.

I wasn’t surprised that 5 years later I still owned 95% of that “baby weight”, I knew I needed to get serious – I put blinders on when it came to my health I was overweight, I was lazy and I lacked motivation to work out and it wasn’t until about a year ago that I actually committed to something that worked for me… (did you catch that… “something that worked for me”, because everyone is different ) Anyways- It certainly didn’t happen overnight, and I had to overcome a lot of personal demons that ended up being bigger then just a negative body image - I had to get raw and admit that in some situations I was the toxic person – that I allowed my circumstances and for that I carried so much guilt.

The point is!

As human beings we need to learn to co-exsist with all of our demons whether its food, weight or body shape or even our mental health – we need to be as patient with ourselves as we are others, mindful of our own feelings, our own needs and we need to cultivate in them. This is why this conversation is so important to me – why I choose to address certain things, why my social media is public- no one but me has the right to narrate my story and so the best I can do is live well, without fear of judgment, comfortable in my skin, in my decisions

- Although I am as open as I can be, I choose to be very conscious about what I post on social media (for a few reasons) - One is simple, my husband has to approve of the content being posted. Out of respect and love for that man who has supported me unconditionally throughout this process, regardless of being 1000% confident in my “now” body, he prefers some things to stay private (in which I totally agree) but the other is because there are people (no scratch that) women out there whose “dream body” is my “then” body – and the words I use to describe how I felt in my own skin during that time can damage someone else’s perception of their dream body, it can become discouraging – But understand this, I know now that my body was actually never the problem. That additional weight I carried, was beautiful. I admit there have been things that I have been insecure about, yes but that was society making me believe that my body didn’t look right, that was social media and marketing saying you are only worthy of real love at a 120lb and everything else is unlovable. That was my own self sabotage that made me believe I wasn’t good enough as is and so I went to drastic measures to try and comply to what society told me beautiful should be and throughout this entire process I wish I would have told myself sooner that being a size 12 did not change my banging personality or my sense of humour and being a size 8 didn’t change my heart, or how I viewed the world and being a size 4 now doesn’t make me any better of a person then I was 10 years ago when I felt my worth was dictated by the number on the scale. I have had to accept that not everyone will see “fit” the same way I do and unfortunately because I have decided to put my life on social media the way I do, I have opened a window for others to form that opinion of me, I have allowed them judge me, to be passive towards me or to even question my character and in some cases those opinions will be voiced but I welcome them and if by chance you are that person who wants to dim my light know this you can’t break me - I am 10000% comfortable and confident in who I am – Broken past, Belly fat, cellulite, saggy boobs and all (Lol)

I will end with this, I will not apologize for “showing off” as I have earned the right to – I will not apologize for over coming the two worst relationships I’ve ever had and will ever have in my life (food and my self worth) – I will not apologize for being my own version of fit even if it doesn’t align with yours and I certainly will not apologize for being who I am.

As far as I am concerned, as long as you are not harming others in any way, live unapologetically in all you do. You don’t need validation from anyone or anything!

#fitness

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whatifididsomethingnew · 5 years

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Take Your Medication

I’m a college freshman in my second semester. I’ve been struggling with depression and ADHD for who knows how long, but I was diagnosed(i think? idk if it was official) in my freshman year of high school and given medication for it sometime in my senior year.

I didn’t take the medication very often. I started off strong, taking the ADHD medication especially to get me through classes and make sure the dosage lasted me to sixth period, my worst class at the time. But over the summer I stopped because I decided that the positive effects didn’t make up for the side effects: a lack of appetite and dry mouth.

Below the keep reading is my experience with mental illnesses and medication. It’s long. tl;dr If you have access to medication, take it. It helps. And make sure the dosage is right for you

I’ve never been a bad student. Aside from failing algebra 2 in freshman year (ive never been good at “advanced” math, it was an IB class so even worse, and even better students agreed that the teacher was awful), I’ve gotten at worst 1-2 C’s per year. But since middle school I’ve found myself unable to pay attention, preferring to think about the book I want to read or the game I want to play or even just something else I started learning about. I figured out how to get by with finished homework and average tests. But I took about 6 AP tests in high school and only passed one, because I couldn’t study well enough to retain all the information I learned and forgot over the course, or pay attention to the exam to finish the multiple choice, or have enough foundation in the subject to write an essay that mattered at all.

This point in my life has almost certainly been my worst, depression-wise. I only live about twenty minutes away from my parents’ house, and I go home every weekend so I’m not just alone in my apartment for three days straight, but I’m still isolated during the week. My friends that are still in high school are busy with classes and extracurriculars and meeting with friends they still see everyday and very few of them have their own cars to drive up to visit me, and my friends in college are all busier than ever, all going to school anywhere from 15 minutes to like four hours away. My bad days are worse and happen more often and can span into bad weeks. I tend to write at best 1 page of notes after about 2 1/2 hours of classes a week, and drain my phone battery down to the sixties because I don't pay attention in lectures on subjects I’m not interested in.

In high school I couldn’t wait for college, because I could choose my classes and the times and had the opportunity to make friends! But I realized I’m bad at making friends; I made one friend in kindergarten, when times were simpler, and all my lasting relationships (aside from my online friends, whom I treasure dearly) can be attributed to that one friendship. (I actually made a flowchart during class when another student was presenting, and I had the energy and motivation because I actually took my meds today!)

All this personal information about my Bad Times™ is to make you understand how much I needed to take my medication. But I don’t have classes everyday, so I didn’t think that taking ADHD meds everyday was worth it, and I (incorrectly) recalled that taking the depression meds didn’t help me enough to validate taking it everyday, instead only when it got really bad, but that plan didn’t work because when my depression is bad I don’t even have enough energy to text back or walk like four steps total to get my laptop, let alone walk to the bathroom and get the pills.

So I didn’t take it, besides from when I worked my first 8-hour shifts at my first job. And those side-effects were extreme, because my body wasn’t used to these meds that were incredibly high in dosage because that’s what I need. I felt nauseous and dizzy enough to faint and went to the back room like four times an hour for a drink of water and it was still way less than I wanted. And I still didn’t learn my lesson about how the side-effects would get easier to handle if I took them more, but worse if I only took them on worst-case bases. I was thinking more in the moment about how bad I felt then, rather than about how I could feel better in the future if I pushed through.

I had a series of awful days, just last week. I cried several tears with no clear cause, only my own thoughts and boredom and depression, which means a lot in relation to me because I don’t cry. I watched Dear Evan Hansen and The Prom live, both with the original cast, and only cried a total of five tears at most, despite how these musicals and their subject matters are very dear to me. It was a bad week that came out of nowhere, nothing extraordinarily bad happened. I did the same thing as always, if not more. But still, it was a very bad week, because I was experiencing the heavy depression and it didn’t go away after I fell asleep. I don’t have classes on Wednesdays this semester; I have a lab on Mondays, and three lectures in a row on Tuesdays and Thursdays because I learned last semester that having enough leisure time to chill in my apartment for several hours between classes only makes going to the later class way more tedious. I usually get picked up by one of my parents on Thursdays while whichever of them it is drives home from work that day. That week I was lucky to have my Thursday classes cancelled, so I got picked up a day early.

Being home is good for my health, adding it all up. It makes me a bit insecure about being independent, but fuck that I’m only 18 and I love my parents, I don’t need to be completely independent yet. Being home only improved when @pointlessoressential moved in with me; having someone so similar to me in regards of being content sitting and doing our own thing without the expectation to have something to Do™ all the time. It’s good for me, to have someone around me so I don’t get too isolated, but also not too overwhelmed. I’m usually pretty open with my mom, too, so being with her during the weekend and being able to talk with her or watch some easy TV together is good. I’ve never been very good at opening up to people; my main characterization with friends I’m not as close with is sarcasm and puns and whatever other humor to distract both of us from personal issues. I’ve been trying to get better, with help and reminders from the aforementioned bee and mom, as well as my best friend (who yes my meeting of and bonding with can indirectly be connected to that kindergarten friend, if you were wondering) who is much more skilled at telling me about her feelings than I am. But I’m trying. So I told my mom about how I had been having a bad week, once I got home.

My mom has dealt with depression her whole life, too. Most of her life she thought she also had anxiety, but when I was diagnosed with ADHD, the psychiatrist who had prescribed me the medications I take explained to both of us that ADHD in afab people (I'd say women bc my mom is cis but I'm nonbinary, so afab people) can be misdiagnosed as anxiety bc it’s different from what TV shows it to be, and the reactive anxiety (as opposed to constant, causeless anxiety from an anxiety disorder) is a symptom of ADHD. She’s dealt with the same issues all her life, so I go to her often when I hit the wall.

She told me to take the medication. I said I didn’t like the side-effects. She bought me mouthwash that helps dry mouth and a box of Rice Krispies Treats so I can eat something small but filling when I lose my appetite. She reminded me that the side-effects would improve if I took the medication more often. I am privileged in that I had the opportunity to see a doctor for my issues and be able to afford (even if barely) my medication, and I should take advantage of that instead of taking it for granted.

This is a long post, sharing my personal story about having mental illnesses, and how medication helps. It may not feel like it took effect, but then it’ll wear off and you’ll realize the difference. It’s better to feel stable, to feel “normal” for most of the day, than to get used to feeling awful. I took my medication this morning before class; I’ve taken about five hours to write this whole thing, due to having begun it before one lecture started, then continuing it during another while also listening to my professor review the first five chapters of Return of the King and discuss it with us. And now I’m in my apartment, on my laptop, switching between ending this PSA and checking on due dates and reviewing my calendar and just being 10 times more productive than I ever am.

I don’t know if anyone will need this advice. I don’t know how many will even click the read more. But this is a blog site, and this is something I’m trying to learn and have it remembered. It’s something I needed to put into words, and now it is.

#mental health #medication #depression #adhd #american education #this has been a psa #mental health advice

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ts1989fanatic · 5 years

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I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me that I look 🔥🔥🔥. I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

Swiftie lessons learned:

So based on Taylor Swift’s 30 lessons before 30 I wanted to share a few lessons of my own. As a person twice Taylor’s age and a guy too, you might think there is not that much I could learn by becoming a swiftie at my age.

You like me would be all kinds of wrong

Before 1989 came out I had never really spent any time on SM, but after the album release and my wife and I both deciding it was one of the best pop albums ever.

I bit the bullet and started a Twitter account to share how I felt about the album with others who felt the same, OMG was that a huge mistake. Talk about drama it was insane on there.

So then I looked at Instagram but that’s not for me (hate having my picture taken) and I don’t do selfies my icon picture with my better half is the only picture of me on the internet to my knowledge.

Finally I ended up here on Tumblr and it’s been my go to ever since, the lesson I learned from this experience relates in a way too #1 on Taylor’s 30 I also had to block some of the noise the trolls came after me sometimes relentlessly over my age and gender. At first I used to respond to all the vitriol until I realized I was just feeding the trolls, the block function on Tumblr is as satisfying as trying to have a reasonable debate with the trolls was unsatisfying.

Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. While it may be born from having been raised to be a polite young lady, this can contribute to some of your life’s worst regrets if someone takes advantage of this trait in you. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you.

Swiftie lesson #2

#2 on Taylor’s list was about being nice to everyone all the time, like Taylor I was raised to be polite (if I wasn’t polite in front of my father I got knocked across the room) that also got me in trouble with the trolls. Apparently it’s creepy to respond to a request for a Reblog with all done young lady or similar phrases.

Or sending new followers a thanks for the follow let me know if you need anything reposted message, I don’t initiate conversations on Tumblr but I politely respond to requests for reblogs or advice.

But apparently being polite and responding like this is creepy, which is stupid to me, at my age most of the people on here are younger than me and most are probably female.

Banish the drama. You only have so much room in your life and so much energy to give to those in it. Be discerning. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isn’t cruel. It’s just a simple setting on your phone that will eliminate drama if you so choose to use it.

Swiftie lesson #3

I have learned to do this over the years, it’s happened before and will probably happen again. I used to respond to the trolls but soon realized you can’t have a reasonable debate with unreasonable people.

Now I simply block them for my own peace of mind, it still hurts to be called creepy and a pedophile but I’m a big boy and I have learned to deal with it.

What I really hate is those who come to my defence being viciously attacked and in some cases being driven away from Tumblr over it. That’s not happening with me I have thought about it in the past but never again.

I have three things that keep me here, online friends willing to accept me for who I am and who are willing to risk getting attacked to defend me and my right to be here.

A follow from @taylorswift that’s almost four years old along with a bunch of likes from Taylor “every one of them a Reblog for someone else” I absolutely love when that happens it makes two swifties happy me of course and the original poster.

And finally a sense of community somewhere that I can feel like I belong. A place that being a @taylorswift fan at my age in life is not considered strange by the vast majority of of swifties.

So keep sending the hate I will continue to block the noise, I am not going anywhere. I had close to 40 people unfollow me over the weekend but 10 or 11 others that ignored the noise and made their own decisions.

I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.” It would be nice if we could get an apology from people who bully us, but maybe all I’ll ever get is the satisfaction of knowing I could survive it, and thrive in spite of it.

Swiftie lesson #4

I don’t have a sixty foot snake named Karyn but I have learned some valuable lessons from watching how @taylorswift dealt with her bullies. The most important one is too not let the bullies define who you are or too change you in any meaningful way.

I can’t laugh it off because being bullied is not a laughing matter, but I can learn to roll with it and as Taylor herself say Shake It Off.

Have I made mistakes on here in the past yes, will I make mistakes in the future probably but will that stop me from being here and doing what I have always done. NOPE I have always tried to help others get noticed liked followed by @taylorswift that will never change.

Just because a bunch of TROLLS decided they don’t like what I do or say on here will not change who I am or what I try to do after all.

You are not your mistakes.

You are not damaged goods or money from your failed explorations.

You are not the opinion of someone who doesn’t know you.

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kaleid-tay-scope · 5 years

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Taylor Swift - Elle

30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30

By Taylor Swift Mar 6, 2019

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me I look . I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching. That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching.

I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.

I’ve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we aren’t allowed to age. It’s an impossible standard to meet, and I’ve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject. Reading her words feels like hearing a voice of reason amongst all these loud messages out there telling women we’re supposed to defy gravity, time, and everything natural in order to achieve this bizarre goal of everlasting youth that isn’t even remotely required of men.

Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didn’t know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months. There was a tremendous amount of planning, expense, and effort put into keeping my fans safe. My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address I’ve ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life:Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)

I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.”

Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.

Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say “I’m sorry, but...” and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.

It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my sexual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience. I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.” It’s something no one would choose for themselves. We speak up because we have to, and out of fear that it could happen to someone else if we don’t.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco.

When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say.Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.

Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.

Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know...get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people? These are things a first impression could never convey.

After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin. I now moisturize my face every night and put on body lotion after I shower, not just in the winter, but all year round, because, why can’t I be soft during all the seasons?!

Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.

Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.

Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.

There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. I’ll never forget the ones who stuck around.

I’ve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. Both of my parents have had cancer, and my mom is now fighting her battle with it again. It’s taught me that there are real problems and then there’s everything else. My mom’s cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.

I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

I make countdowns for things I’m excited about. When I’ve gone through dark, low times, I’ve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (they’re free) and adding things I’m looking forward to. Even if they’re not big holidays or anything, it’s good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and it’s good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.

I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From birth, I had the curliest hair and now it is STRAIGHT. It’s the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, they’ve left me. Please pray for their safe return.

My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.

Hair by Serge Normant for Serge Normant Hair Care; makeup by Francelle for Lovecraft Beauty; manicure by Denise Bourne for Deborah Lippmann; produced by Kristen Terry at Rosco Production.

#taylor swift elle #Taylor Swift

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makistar2018 · 5 years

Link

30 THINGS I LEARNED BEFORE TURNING 30

BY TAYLOR SWIFT MAR 6, 2019

Lesson ONE

Lesson TWO

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson THREE

Lesson FOUR

Lesson FIVE

Lesson SIX

EVERY DAY I TRY TO REMIND MYSELF OF THE GOOD IN THE WORLD, THE LOVE I’VE WITNESSED AND THE FAITH I HAVE IN HUMANITY. WE HAVE TO LIVE BRAVELY IN ORDER TO TRULY FEEL ALIVE, AND THAT MEANS NOT BEING RULED BY OUR GREATEST FEARS.

Lesson SEVEN

Lesson EIGHT

Lesson NINE

I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

Lesson TEN

I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life: Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)

I BELIEVE VICTIMS BECAUSE I KNOW FIRSTHAND ABOUT THE SHAME AND STIGMA THAT COMES WITH RAISING YOUR HAND AND SAYING “THIS HAPPENED TO ME.”

Lesson ELEVEN

Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.

Lesson TWELVE

Lesson THIRTEEN

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson FOURTEEN

When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.

Lesson FIFTEEN

Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.

Lesson SIXTEEN

Lesson SEVENTEEN

Lesson EIGHTEEN

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson NINETEEN

Lesson TWENTY

Lesson TWENTY-ONE

Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

Lesson TWENTY-TWO

THERE’S A COMMON MISCONCEPTION THAT ARTISTS HAVE TO BE MISERABLE IN ORDER TO MAKE GOOD ART, THAT ART AND SUFFERING GO HAND IN HAND. I’M REALLY GRATEFUL TO HAVE LEARNED THIS ISN’T TRUE. FINDING HAPPINESS AND INSPIRATION AT THE SAME TIME HAS BEEN REALLY COOL.

Lesson TWENTY-THREE

Lesson TWENTY-FOUR

Lesson TWENTY-FIVE

Lesson TWENTY-SIX

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson TWENTY-SEVEN

Lesson TWENTY-EIGHT

Lesson TWENTY-NINE

Lesson THIRTY

ELLE

#taylor swift #elle uk #april #2019 #2019.03.06

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678withlove · 5 years

Text

April 6, 2019

Dear journal,

This semester is officially coming to an end and at this point, I am completely burned out and ready for a 3-month break.

My plans for this summer are still kind of indefinite, to say the least. Like I wrote in my previous posts, I applied to over thirty internships throughout last year but only got interviewed for one, (which was surprisingly CNN.) As nerve-racking as this waiting phase has been, God has revealed to me multiple times that I’m going to get this internship. All I have to do right now is exercise my faith and be patient.

Anyway, asides from work and school, I have recently made some significant changes in my life. I never thought I’d be saying this, but, I am FINALLY off of social media y’all!!!! Meaning I’ve deleted all my personal accounts on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Crazy, isn't it? 12 year old me would’ve never seen this coming, lol.

But honestly, guys, being away from social media has literally been so life-changing. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel free. I feel unstoppable. I go about my days unbothered. I have less anxiety. I feel like I can truly just focus on my life again.

I joined social media for the very first time when I was still a freshman in secondary school. I remember that day so vividly; when my older sister Cheeny and I came home from school in 2010 and created our very first Facebook profiles. I was so in love with the idea of having an online presence that I couldn’t help but join Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram shortly after.

My first few years on social media were honestly so simple. At 14 years old, nobody was really looking at me as their “competition” or “rival”. Friendships were pure. Conversations were riveting. I was never under any pressure to maintain a certain image; all I really cared about were my celebrity crushes, funny videos, and getting to tweet at my friends after doing homework.

But as I grew older, I started to discover how dangerous the continuous use of social media could be. I watched the objectives of Instagram transition into something more egocentric rather than community-based. Beauty standards became more and more ridiculous and unrealistic. Everybody’s relevance was suddenly based on likes and followers, not who they really were as people. It was all just a shockingly stark transition. And it was harmful as hell.

This ultimately propelled me into the unhealthy habit of self-comparison. And because of that, the last three years became the worst for me in terms of my insecurities. I’d never hated myself more than I have since I moved to college in 2016. And given that I had gained so much weight after my freshman year, being on social media only amplified the severity of my situation. My confidence levels plummeted. Everything I thought I loved about myself suddenly became flaws. I was disgusted by my laugh, my hair, my height, my chubby thighs. I would constantly take pictures of myself to see what other people saw in me, and then get grossed out by it. Some days I would feel pretty, but the next day, I’d literally start picking myself apart. It was really hard to go online and not get swarmed by photos of pretty girls who had cinched waists and perfect teeth. Lord knows how many hours I spent every day wishing I looked like one supermodel or the other. It was seriously pathetic.

I was on a never-ending cycle of self-comparison and self-hate, which ultimately landed me in my university’s counseling center. Seeking professional help was my only way out because I just could not love myself, no matter how hard I tried.

Ever since this dark phase began, I always knew that social media was the primary cause. I knew I had to get off the internet in order to recenter myself and take care of my mental health. But every time I would try, I’d find myself redownloading the apps all over again. I couldn’t stand being away from the internet; I had this irrational fear of missing out. And even more harrowing was the fact that I thought my “online friends” would forget about me.

But over time, my interest in social media started to dwindle. I came to the conclusion that my online friends would be alright without me. I knew I couldn’t get off it all at once, so I started by gradually deactivating my Twitter, then my Facebook, then my Snapchat, and ultimately, my Instagram. I never woke up one day and decided “today’s the day I’m deleting everything.” A sudden move like that never really ends well. So instead, I let everything just happen sporadically...and I think that’s what made the process so easy. It wasn’t meant to be overly intentional or dated. I just randomly got rid of each app whenever it felt right. And each time I was done, I would take one deep breath, encourage myself, and never look back.

I don’t necessarily remember the day I deactivated my last personal social media account, so I can’t quite celebrate a monthly anniversary. However, what I do know is this: life feels 10 times better than it did before. I am no longer under any obligation to wake up every morning feeling desperate for validation. I no longer have to see what my 300 Instagram followers are up to: who’s getting internships and who’s getting “flewed out” for the weekend. Most importantly, I no longer feel the pressing need to compare myself to any other woman; because my only competition is now myself.

With that said, I have to shoutout to God for giving me the courage to finally take this step, despite people calling me “weird” and “boring” for doing so. I know I have a long journey ahead of me, but I’m glad that I’m on the way, at least.

Staying away from social media will slowly but surely help me to love myself again. And at this point, that’s the only thing that truly matters to me. ✨

From 678,

With love.

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grayintogreen · 2 years

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I have a question about some sort of writing insecurity. It's a bit of a downer so feel free to ignore this. So, I used to write a lot in the past but as the years go by I found myself wanting to write less and less. I write maybe once a year as a birthday present to a friend and I don't feel happy with what I come up with but when I try to write something I want to, I can't. When I read some of my past works I can't help but think that I'll never write as good as I once did. Do you have advice?

Hi! I had to sit on this one overnight, because as someone who is not a professional and who does suffer from a lot of "wow my writing is trash and will never be as good as x person's" I don't know if I'm even qualified to give advice, but I think as someone with Severe Performance Anxiety, I at least know what does and doesn't work for me.

Now some background. I've been in fandom for [squints] about two decades now. I went from FF.net to LJ to AO3, but by the time I hit AO3, I was pretty much not writing as much because I was into LJ/DW roleplaying games and I did that pretty seriously for a decade, so there was a ten year gap where I was not seriously writing fanfic.

And then I smashed onto the scene last year and wrote over a hundred fics in a year, so... That happened.

But let's backtrack. I didn't write fanfic for ten years. I did WRITE, because RP is a writing hobby but it's a very different writing hobby. It's really hard to craft a story in that kind of situation. It's hard to get exactly the right things you want out of it. You just end up kinda going with the flow and using it to examine character more than you use it to tell a story. (Why are all my pieces character driven? TEN YEARS of this.)

But I digress. I wouldn't say this experience killed my ability to weave a good story in its cradle, because prior to this, I had never weaved a good story in my life. That's not self-deprecation- I looked at my LJ and the longest story on there is 8k. I was writing a lot, but I was writing short pieces that were just for fun. My FF.net has been utterly nuked and before that happened, my only longfic was a darker and edgier sequel to the movie Over the Hedge that I never finished.

So how do you go from a history of never writing anything longer than a ficlet, to ten years of character-driven RP, to... whatever the hell I'm doing right now?

You just write. This seems like cliche advice, but it is LITERALLY the only reason I'm doing this.

Let's go back again. When I was in high school, I had notebooks filled with self-indulgent fanfic that would never ever see the light of day. I will never clean those fics up and post them. I will never expose anyone to those plots. Sometimes I didn't even write full fics. I'd write scenes that popped into my head. I still have all of those notebooks for no reason other than they were fun for me and it's cool to see what I was obsessed with as a teenager and what I did with it.

It didn't matter if it was good. It was just something to do when I was bored in class and my head was drifting and I needed to do something. Writing was my stimming. (Undiagnosed ADHD my beloathed.) Being terminally online gave me something of a VALIDATE ME PLS complex, but I also spent a long time on LJ and if you think FF.net and AO3 are voids, try LIVEJOURNAL where if you're not getting comments, the only way you knew you're getting seen is if someone recced your fic and you found it on Delicious by searching your username.

So basically, while I still crave that sweet, sweet validation, I learned how to live without it (but I still want it always). Writing on LJ was honestly about the same as writing in a notebook at school, except now people could see it if they WANTED to.

I am extremely long-winded here, but... Writing for the sake of writing makes you better. If you want to write, then first you have to commit to the idea that sometimes things you write won't be up your standards. (Also I'm gonna be straight with you- there are things I've written that I thought were the most basic trash I could come up with that ended up being VERY popular, while things I crafted with my blood and tears get crickets, so beauty is also in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes people want cakes without a bunch of fondant.) Writing without intent to post isn't a waste of words. My WIP folders are the way they are because sometimes I started writing things and then completely forgot the point I was trying to make. One day I'll salvage them. Or if not then well... It's a thing I wrote.

The other advice I can give is that reading really does help. When I feel like crap and don't want to write or my writing feels trite, then I read and usually my inspiration perks right up, because sometimes another person's way with words can inspire you to write and will also improve your grasp of narrative. Like seriously, it works. There's always going to be a little bit of UGH I'LL NEVER WRITE LIKE THIS, but my brain always tries, anyway, and that's how I've built my style- off the tactics I learned from of every writer who has ever wrote a sentence that made me go "damn."

I don't know if this helps you, nonnie. But it's what's gotten me from ten years of not writing (and ten years of not writing anything with substance) to a year of intense writing. I didn't appear out of the void, fully formed writing a million damn words and being a complete madwoman. I just sort of worked in the shadows honing my craft and then splooged it on my fandoms at once when I needed an outlet for my plague depression.

#my asks #long post #this was such a long-winded explanation for what EVERY DAMN WRITER will tell you #but like.. that's what works for me #there's never been a time in twenty years where I wasn't writing

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