#(but also you're not a bad person if you're unable to avoid shopping at certain places.

[speakmindfully]

Dichotomy

I've had a lot of time to think lately, and I've been trying to use it well. Remember how you or somewhere online there was a quote about if you don't make space to slow down your body will choose a day for you? Welp, it finally happened. A classic Christmas klutz move. Fell down an entire flight of stairs with Christmas decorations in hand and broke my foot to smithereens. I've been a housebound cripple off of work and paramedic duties for the upcoming weeks and it's been a nice guilt-free way of slowing my roll. I've come to peace with certain things I'd tried to bury because I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to face them. I've started making candles with crystals and dried flowers, writing in a reflective "burn when you finish" book, and trying to enjoy my typical self care. I've re-organized my room and re-potted a few plants, and definitely taken more naps than I care to admit.

I'm really trying to re-connect to my inner self, which, in fact, definitely is the little witchy woodland fairy that's always been hiding out. I've come to terms with enjoying my own company and not relying on others or a job to make me feel whole. I've always lived by the seat of my pants and been somewhat preoccupied with being "liked by everyone". I've always taken pride in being nice and sweet to everyone but I've also come to realize that it's okay to be a little mean; To limit people's access to you for your own peace, self-respect, and that you don't have to attempt to solve everyone's problems. Sometimes my niceness combined with my imposter syndrome has made me look naive or easy to bulldoze in the workplace and in life. I'm trying to work on strengthening my inner power and strengths and hang onto that to catapult me into a mindset of abundance rather than a mindset of deficit.

I've found through this injury, as silly as it sounds, but embracing princess tendencies and not feeling guilty about it is nice. My roommate will bring me coffee or dinner when I couldn't walk, and my parents would pick me up for things so I wouldn't have to drive, or people would hold doors and offer to get things for me and i'd let them. Normally I'm a "it's okay I got it" person, but when you physically can't, it's much harder to deny the help. I started realizing through that, that it's okay to allow people to do things for you, what do you have to prove? That you CAN do it? Why? If someone is offering to help you, it's okay to collaborate. I offer help for things all the time, but I think part of that was out of fear of seeming spoiled or useless.

I'm still exploring my natural avoidance to accepting help, but I think it has something to do with proving that I'm capable, or proving that I'm independent. But people gravitate towards kindness and I'm so much more than my career/accomplishments. I've centered most of my life around work, so now that I'm unable to work for a bit, I've been forced to think "well what do I have to offer now?" and it's made me start re-defining my relationship with my career and work. I'm so much more than that. I think 2024 will be focused on sharpening my internal reflection and self-actualization skills, and focusing on things that make me happy.

I might finally get my medical tattoo this year after I pass my boards, but I've grown less attached to the idea of getting it now that I'm trying not to view work as a badge I flash to prove I can do something. Part of being an adult is talking about work most of the time, but when you're with your closest friends, how often do you all REALLY talk about work (unless you're besties with your co-workers?) Not a ton right? You bond over fun hobbies, dumb internet memes, TV shows you've binged, books you read, places you want to travel, and MAYBE occasionally share some fun work stories. Don't get me wrong I LOVE to talk shop because I adore what I do, but it's not everything. I don't want to be a work robot who doesn't get to enjoy life. I want to be a bad-ass Sterling Rescue Paramedic, and ED tech who can handle the grit of the field but at home is a soft, dainty wilderness flower child who you'd never picture has any kind of bad-ass-ness to her. I want to embrace the dichotomy of essentially being two entirely different people. Work me vs home me. Two people I'm extremely proud of and privileged to know and become, but not one-dimensional.

I'm going to enjoy my upcoming weeks as a sleepy housecat for now.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

screw sponsored content, I'm doing anti-sponsored content. just gonna talk about brands that SUCK

#apple. apple sucks ass. stop buying apple products #big box stores. big box stores are fucking terrible #food lion. food lion is a shitty employer. shop at aldi's if you can #amazon needs to burn yesterday #...not THE amazon I AM NOT ADVOCATING FOR BURNING DOWN RAINFORESTS #but yeah slap jeff bozo with an anti-monopoly lawsuit yesterday thnx #(but also you're not a bad person if you're unable to avoid shopping at certain places. #shop responsibly when you can but don't blame yourself for having so few options #the lack of options was built systematically by corporate greed and it's not your fault or your job to fix it all #just do what you can when you can. make better choices when they are available but accept that better choices might not always be available)