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belle-keys · 3 years

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I Love Matthew Fairchild aka Incoherent Thoughts about Chain of Iron (2021) by Cassandra Clare

I made one of these rant-rave reviews for SJM's book so check it out if you want, no pressure tho lmao.

Aight so I finished Chain of Iron last night and OMG I HAVE TO YELL like I loved it sooo much like yooo, I have a lot to say. I know the book is new so... beware for spoilers plebs.

Also context: I been reading the Shadowhunter books since I was 12 and I'm 19 now *insert dead emoji face* so yeah, I'm just so happy rn with where the Chronicles have come and the fact that they’re still ongoing *insert uwu face*. I remember when in like 2014-2015 or something when Cassandra Clare teased that Will and Tessa's kids' generation was gonna get a trilogy set in Edwardian London, loosely based on Great Expectations, and holy hell? I think that was perhaps one of the best days of my life considering how much I adore The Infernal Devices (that trilogy really changed the way I see YA literature... don't ask cus I won't shut up about it) (also yes I read TMI and loved it too but there's a “generation gap” between TMI and the other Shadowhunter books stylistically so don't ask me about that either cus I also won't shut up).

Anyway, shoo from here if you want a critical essay on Chain of Iron. I'm not providing that, this is just me raving here for the fun.

Listen... I want the bulk of this to just be two main things: The Matthew Situation, and then all the literary and judeo-christian meta aspects of it.

BUT I ALSO NEED TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE SO FRICK LET'S JUST START WITH THE OBVIOUS SHIT LIKE THE PLOT AND WHATEVER

Okay, the plot and writing and shit, let's get that out of the way:

The WHOLE Jack-the-Ripper-esque ambiance was just sooooo good man wow like I did not expect the book to take this cold turn but it worked so well. There was such a contrast between Jamie and Cordelia's warm little house and then the cold winter and the stabbings and shit and it felt like a nice little callback to the actual Ripper phenomenon that preceded them and a nod to the Whitechapel Fiend story from Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy.

Bitch OFC that whole thing with Wayland was a set-up like nawww that was too easy to spot and I get why Cordelia feels like shit about it.

Dawg Lucie was just the Among Us imposter here in that my girl was just venting and sneaking around with dead people and I was like nooooo girl run, don't deal with Fade this is a set-up THINK ABOUT JULES LUCIE THAT'S LIKE YO GREAT-GRANDSON *sobs* but yeah anyway my girl has death powers she gonna kill some bitches next book.

You see that confrontation between Lilith and Belial? MASTERPIECE DIALOGUE like this was the point within which I was just like "yo is this the book of Genesis or a YA Fantasy novel" like when Lilith said "I may have been cast out but I did not fall" like??????????????????? I YELLED she did not have to END Belial like that. What a bad bitch.

More on Lilith and Belial... "You, who brought nations into darkness? Shall I finally be able to tell the infernal realms you have gone mad, lost even the image of the Creator." HAHAHHAHAHA SHE SAID "YO BELIAL GO GET SOME THERAPY AND GET OFF MY ASS" LIKE??????

Ughhhh yasss Clare has improved writing diverse characters in this book compared to in The Dark Artifices in my opinion... I'm not gonna expand on it cus ain't nobody got time for that but like, I enjoyed how she wove Persian poetry and tales into the story and the way in which she writes Cordelia and Alistair. They're not caricatures of Persian people but rather multi-faceted beings who also happen to be Persian and I appreciate that. Also, Alistair and Thomas and Anna and Ariadne were just so fun and interesting to read as coupbles but also as individuals. She really higlighted diversity in a very natural manner. All I need is a hijabi character and I’ll die a happy woman lmao.

The level of META man like the references to Classics and art (I swear, she might have compared Matthew to angels out of Caravaggio AND Rosetti AND Boticelli paintings and I Am Living For It) and just all the quotes from holy books and shit omg I love it here like you really feel catapulted into the time period, she draws reference to external art and philosophy so well and I feel like she upped the notch on it in this book (didn’t know that was possible but it was the prose is BEAUTIFUL, archaic, but not pretentiously so). No, like the characters live in their OWN worlds of literature and art and history in the way we are living in THEIRS. They quote Wilde and Milton while we'll quote Clare. It's awesome.

This is an unusually structuralist take even from me but: I like the way the milieu social of the book, i.e., the high society Edwardian circles and their values, have a direct influence on the plot. James and Cordelia got married because society’s values essentially forced them to, not a demon. Cordelia abandons Jamie at the end of Iron because her shame as a woman in society and fear for her reputation made her, not a demon. Thomas and Alistair can't be together solely because of how Alistair tarnished the reputation of the Fairchilds and Lightwoods by using the horror of infidelity against them. Issues relating to marriage, gender roles, etc, stemming DIRECTLY from the time period rule the sequence of events to the same degree as the epic fantasy aspects (demons, Princes of Hell, the lore itself) do and I LOVE that dear God above.

OKAY THE GOOD SHIT LET US TALK ABOUT CHARACTERS AND SHIPS (N.B. but imma discuss Matthew and the Fairstairs situation separately below this portion):

Alistair's redemption arc: No, cus Alistair's redemption arc is honestly amazing. He really did change and it's not like his betterment as a person was linked to any one heroic deed but rather he simply decided he wanted to be better especially for his family and he decided to become a proper protective son, a caring brother, and an amiable friend. He fully owned up to his Malfoy tendencies and apologized without expecting forgiveness. He shows how he cares in the little ways and omg it's so sweet and tender. I really do want him to love himself now and be embraced by Matthew especially and the rest of the Thieves.

Dawg Lucie and Jesse are so funny to me like it's so hilarious how this girl fell in love with a whole ass ghost that no one else knows about like HHAHA. Are Lucie and Jesse my ult ship ever? Nah, but it's nothing to do with Clare, it's just that their relationship happened pretty quick and feels quite like something epicly romantic that Lucie herself would write. I just like slow burn and friends-to-lovers the most from Clare. To be honest part of me just wanted Lucie to not have a romantic arc all together but like, it's all good, I'm not complaining.

Okay Grace- like yooooooooooo I never hated her yunno. She has been abused and isolated all her life. It's not that she is a bad person, but rather that she does not know what being a person even entails. Can't even say she's a “doll” of a person cus she's never even been pampered like one by her family. I really started understanding her motivations since when they gave us her half-childhood with Jesse. I want better for her but cmon can she REALLY be saved???

GRACE X CHRISTOPHER *pretends to be shocked*... Okay, sometime in the middle of the Dark Artifices series some big brain put together a very thorough family tree of the families and like, it clearly showed that Grace and Christopher got married so like, lmfaooooo, I knew this was coming one way or another, but the journey to this ship is more important than the destination. Like in a way Christopher is such a cute baby lamb that it makes sense he'd end up being immune to her Grace-ness when he's just a cute little Einstein boiii. Like this is just so funny to me cus he's so oblivious to social conventions while she makes the milieu social her entire life so OFC it's gonna work. Like, this is such a worlds-colliding trope like just Give It To Me.

James and Grace - aw mannn Jamie just had me fricking wanting to hit a wall every two seconds cus like yooooooo every single time I think he and Cordelia are gonna stop being emotionally-constipated spouses, Jamie says some kinda shit like "omg me and Daisy are just friends uwu" like DO I NEED TO HIT YOU?????????? See I can't blame him for not slamming the door on Grace's face even tho he totes should- Jamie is so cerebral and kind that even if Grace wasn't using the enchantment on him, I think he would always be soft for her even if it isn't in a romantic way. There's just so much miscommunication cus like he said "Thank God" when she broke off the engagement with Charles and lowkey embraced her but it also wasn't his fault cus it wasn't even romantic BUT OFC IT LOOKED HORRIBLE TO CORDELIA like James literally never told the woman at least once that he loved her so OFC she thought she was back to square one with him dear God above what a mess. Not his fault, but she DID set down one rule for him: don’t cheat with Grace. And yeah even tho he hasn’t properly cheated, it must FEEL horrible to her cus she’s just been enduring the pain of their unrequeted love for so long :((

See imma just say it but if Cordelia thought that James didn't love Grace then she def would have confessed to him about her feelings right but like James, on the other hand, was delaying his own romantic confession cus he was BEING EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED and I can't even say the bracelet was solely to blame cus like my boi was just being so difficult omg I believe he should be lightly spanked by his three parents aka Will, Tessa and Jem *cries*.

Cordelia is such a MOM like she's so mature and stable and her self-preservation instinct? OFF THE CHARTS I love this woman like James definitely treated her well as a hubby but like I JUST WANTED HER TO HAVE CLOSURE ABOUT SOMETHING and boy oh boy she did get that closure she got it good but not from the person she expected in the LEAST *hehe* *pelican screeching*... like Lucie was being sus with the whole ghost business and James was being just, quite a case, dealing with Grace and Belial right and I don't blame them at all for their secrecy and shit but her FATHER DIED and her friends were hiding a lot from her so in a way she turned to Alistair for help but he could only do so much cus of his own pain (she couldn't even talk to her mom cus she's pregnant and she doesn't wanna stress her right) and then there was this emotional block between her and Jamie, Lucie was often absent and conspiring with the dead... the last person remaining was HIM (imma discuss this soon), but yeah my heart just went OUT to her cus she's tryna save herself and her family and she just doesn't know what to do. That's why I love the way her mom told her to stop holding herself back for others and live her own life. Like Cordelia grew on me so much cus in Gold she undoubtedly was a strange Elizabeth Bennet-wallflower hybrid and I... do not usually get attached to wallflowers but in Iron I feel like I finally understood that she was just tryna be unproblematic and self-preserving all along and nottt put her family and friends in a tough situation.... she reminds me of my mom personality-wise so yeah I’m totally rooting for her now that her *situation* in the past seems clearer.

Anna, Thomas and Matthew are such a SQUAD lmfaooooo like united in their gayness they'd be so unstoppable.

Will and Tessa are the most in-love of all the in-loves in this story and I respect that so much.

I lost a year to my life every time the romance between James and Cordelia got cockblocked. Like they were MARRIED and I thought they were gonna at least sleep next to each other at least once BUT NO James couldn't take a hint omg I'm actually gonna eat my fist and sob (but in retrospect, I think this serves a bigger purpose in terms of the narrative structure i.e. the interruption of all the spicy James and Cordelia action serves a bigger purpose which I think brings me to my next section, *exhale*)

Welcome to the Matthew Fairchild Enthusiast Club (this section is me talking out loud; it makes no sense):

bitch.

LISTEN TO ME LISTEN WELL I LOVE THIS BOY SO MUCH IMMA SCREAM I REALLY AM GONNA SCREAM MY FIST IS LITERALLY IN MY MOUTH *BACKFLIPS OFF THE ROOF WITH LANA DEL REY PLAYING*

Okay like where to BEGIN I think the Shadowhunter boy who I'm most attracted to is Julian while the one I love the most is Will but I think I see myself in Matthew the most. Like ever since that first story where the Thieves all met at the Academy then got expelled, I think that I just KNEW Matthew was destined to be epic. Plus the whole Wilde obsession? I’m no libertine myself but I just love his chaos and passion for life.

NO CUS HE'S SO WITTY AND SWEET AND EPIC AND YET SO SECRETIVE AND DEAR GOD ABOVE AHHHHH WILL HE SURPASS JULIAN FOR ME??? Ion even know but this is just sodjsgdwsdygyegydgef

Hear me out but I said after finishing Gold last March that I wanted this book to be Matthew's healing arc right so halfway into the book when I realized that we weren't getting all that good healing arcing I was confused just cus I thought it seemed natural to address all of his alcohol issues and sadness by now. LITTLE DID I KNOW CASSIE WAS SETTING UP A WHOLE OTHER ARC WITH HIM THAT I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED WTH.

At first I thought Matthew didn't have feelings for anyone at all, and if he DID develop feelings unexpectedly, I fricking thought that maybe he's catching feelings for James, if anyone??? I mean, I did have some suspicions about Matthew from the get-go: like he's so secretive and as readers we think we know everything there is to know about him since we were all privy to the truth potion incident in his short story right BUT NO I GOT PLAYED AND I DESERVE IT SO BADDDDDD.

Listen I hadn't shipped him and Cordelia simply because I never thought it in the realm of possibility but it MAKES SENSE as a ship... think about it: he never says what he feels, he flirts with her like he does with EVERYONE, he is kind to her in the way he is with EVERYONE. Really, Matthew is shippable with everyone, doesn’t matter if they’re taken cus that’s just what his Matthewnes allows for ya feel. There is such a beautiful irony that CORDELIA herself did not see this coming. Even the little teasers and hints in Gold have only NOW started making sense to me likejhss. I just felt like the hints in book 1 did not indicate to me that Matthew really harbored real romantic feelings for Daisy. I thought he was upset that James and Cordelia were being fakes, not a developing CRUSH on the woman fgs.

Not to mention that you usually sense a ship building when the emotional connection or sexual tension between the characters is made clearer but to me their FRIENDSHIP grew right but it didn’t feel like Cordelia was thought that she liked him or he liked her so that means me and Cordelia are clowns *together* 😤

Okay I was lowkey having SUSPICIONS but I immediately shut them down right... like firstly when he took her to the White Horse in his car and she went OFF and OFF and off about how she felt free for the first time? I thought Cassie was just tryna develop Cordelia's self-liberation arc through Matthew there. Heck, I didn't even think ANYTHING of it when Matthew confession to Cordelia about the "truth potion" incident at all cus I was like they're FRIENDS??? BUT now it's adding up now...

See when they were at the inn place and he was telling her that she doesn't in the least seem like a 100 year-old married woman? I was like hmmmm he's so sweet but why did Cassie phrase it like that like??? When Cordelia later reiterated that she thought Matthew's flirting was “meaningless”?? I was like hmmm kinda SUS tho. And then when he and James had their fight over the way Jamie kissed Grace like again I thought he was just like? ion know? mad at James for it but I didn't think he was in LOVE with Cordelia??? So I immediately put aside my slight suspicions. The probability that he had a crush on James at that point seemed more likely to me.

BUT THEN it started hitting me that every time Matthew drank, even before he explained his issue with the truth potion, that Cordelia would note it, she would worry about him, she would think of her father which seemed so poetic to me, history repeating itself and all that but this time you can FIX it??? Yeah, but again I didn't think the L WORD would be involved man???

Now imma sound like a delulu shipper here but it just makes sense they would develop feelings logically- reason being that it definitely is possible based on the way Cassie set up the story, like there's a combination of little “friend things” that can turn this into a proper ship: Matthew rescues Cordelia in the ballroom when Grace captures James' attention in Gold. Cordelia sees her father in Matthew all the time but knows now she has a chance to be there for him in the way she couldn't have been there for Elias (classic “history repeats itself” trope, she doesn't want Matthew drinking in Paris like dhshghdfhdhch). Cordelia tastes freedom for the first time when driving with Matthew. Matthew caught James and Cordelia making out in the room and was pissed but not even HE properly knew why then??? Umm, when she thinks James is forreal cheating with Grace on her she subconsciously goes to Matthew??? I also found it funny just how every intimate marital moment between her and James got interrupted somehow. Like, it's as if the narrative is just a living force REFUSING to let James and Cordelia as a ship be consecrated. Heck, every time Matthew is scantily clothed Cordelia notes it. LITTLE CRUMBS I TELL YOU LITTLE CRUMBS.

I tell you when Cordelia showed up to Matthew's flat I thought they were gonna f*ck as friends but I got SOMETHING EVEN BETTER SOMEHOW

THEY ARE GOING TO PARIS LA BELLE EPOQUE PARIS THE PARIS OF DREAMS AND ART LIKE??? FRICKKKKK I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALLLL MAN? I deadass thought the story would be restrained to the UK but like it MAKES SENSE the trope subversion MAKES SENSE.

“In Paris, with you, I will not need to forget.” SHITTRGEGGGDG

BUT CORDELIA LOVES JAMES TOO LIKE I CAN'T DENY THAT... where are we GOING with this like Matthew wouldn't lie about his feelings and yet Cassie wouldn't give us Matthew and Cordelia crumbs to only end it in the next book immediately for her to just ditch him for James. I mean she was clearly holding back on fleshing out James and Cordelia as a ship for this but to WHAT END??? Daisy feels wild and free with Matthew and she feels warm at home warm with James. I can’t advocate for the sinking of ANY ship here.

Imma say what we're all thinking: Is she gonna give us a Will x Jem x Tessa type situation where Cordelia gets both of them cus I'm not strong enough for this but I also think it'd be really funny if James gets a surprise bi awakening in the next books and then we get POLY even tho this would never happen, it’s actually impossible, because of the whole parabatai thing.

Listen I ship Cordelia and Matthew much more than Cordelia and James, not that I dislike James in any way tho. It's just: Matthew is so unrestrained and she's so composed. They seem like an unlikely pair so it makes sense that they hit harder for me. James and Cordelia have such similar personalities but I ALSO don't ship James with Grace at all so like?? Poly would be... ideal... but it can’t happen especially cus they are fricking parabatai... a Will-Jem-Tessa situation seems more likely but mannnn ion know what to expect. I just want FAIRSTAIRS to have their moment in Paris. I mean James and Matthew clearly don't abhor each other for this.

Take everything I say with several grains of salt, take everything I say with the whole Dead Sea actually, cus I damn well know that Matthew is so flirty and whatnot that I’d have shipped him with anyone in their little circle but now that she set him up with Cordelia it all feels so right?? I have wanted this man in a good relationship since he walked onto the page in Nothing But Shadows so-

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I can't believe Cassia duped me like this omg, Matthew is gonna have his healing arc in Paris with Cordelia by his side like- THIS IS ALL I HAVE WANTED AND SO MUCH MORE. Question to yall btw: are you all as surpised at Fairstairs as me or did yall see it coming all along like smart people? Am I a lone clown? 🥺

BRUH okay criticisms of CC?:

Lmfao a part of me feels like I GOTTA say something bad about CC or the book but honestly I have no objective complaints about it as of now. Am I saying that it’s the PEAK of Young Adult literature and Urban Fantasy? I mean, I make no such claims tbh. I’m not here to be critical when I read as a hobby and when CC’s writing makes me happy regardless of how flawed some people see it.

Okay what next?

So like I’m excited for the adult high fantasy she’s releasing in the fall and whatever other works she might be releasing outside of Chain of Gold within the Chronicles.

As for TLH itself? Man I’m just VIBING like I suspect I will reread Chain of Iron soon and maybe one of the anthologies just because I am happy that this series actually happened after me waiting like 6 years for it when it was just a concept: a Dickensian retelling filled with poetry and culture and history and the conventions I so loved in TID at age 12. This is all I been wanting tbh. I’m just enjoying watching this series come to fruition for it to inspire and transform me in some way. I feel like in a way my coming-of-age aligns with that of these specific characters yet I ALSO feel like I raised Jamie since infancy. Wack.

MATTHEW AND CORDELIA IN FRANCE LA BELLE EPOQUE TO BE EXACT IMMA CRY I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AND AHHHHHH. ALSO WILL AND JAMIE GOING TO CORNWALL TO GET LUCIE AND MAYBE BOND I LOVE WILL. HE WAS ONE OF MY DILF AWAKENINGS AT AGE 12 AND NOW HE’S HERE AGAIN IMMA CRY. I WANNA SEE MATTHEW GET HAPPY. AHHH.

Ending with a fun quote: “In the wise words of someone or other, there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, Maurice.” 😉

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honeyyvee · 4 years

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THE WALLS

Rating; Explicit.

Pairing; Yoongi x Reader.

Genre; smut.

Words; 4.2 k

Summary; Tension between you and your hot, next-door neighbor comes to a climax when his antagonizing you is taken too far by bringing pot brownies to your little Church’s Juvenile Choir Valentine’s get-together.

Content Warnings; innadecuate drug use, explicit sex scenes, degradation, degradation talk, fingering, oral sex, mentions of underage drug use, mentions of religious themes, reference/implied cheating.

Notes; this was inspired by a Chase Atlantic song by the same title... basically pwp with little plot. I may write a sequel to this if people like it uwu enjoyy

It's a dark kind of feeling that pulls you to him at first. Min Yoongi is just that kind of guy. Black jeans, black leather, pale skin, resting bitch face, and an attitude to go with it. His quiet, brooding nature fools everyone into thinking he's more mysterious than he actually is. But you know the truth, and it's such a much simpler answer.

The truth is he's a—

"Bitch! Min Yoongi is a little bitch, and I'm going to rip his limbs apart one by one this very instant, just wait," you seethe through your teeth, next to a stunned Park Jimin. There's a weird aftertaste in your mouth, after having had a half piece of one of his horrible brownies. Pot brownies.

You march away from the kitchen counter, ignoring the sweet timbre of Jimin's voice calling your name over the jazz playlist you've specifically curated for the occasion. It's not a long way until you reach the hallway, turning to knock on the first door on the left with contained anger. Oh, Min Yoongi will hear you. The door to the room opens, and you are met with the expanse of his chest.

"Whatever is wrong with you?" You push into the firm planes of flesh and bone.

The boy let's himself stumble backwards, into the darkness.

"You'll have to be specific on that one." Yoongi flashes a set of pearly teeth that gets your blood pumping in your ears.

"Pot brownies? Really?" you accuse, with a raised eyebrow.

Yoongi's low chuckle reverberates in your chest. Stirs something dark within.

In yet another effort to antagonize you, your hot next-door neighbor has spiked the fruit punch and fed pot brownies to the attendees of your little Valentine's Church Choir get-together.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Your hand shots out in the darkness to grab for his wrist, but finds his warm palm instead. It remains slack in your hold, so you tug at it, bringing the brunette into the light of the hallway.

"Explain that." You point at the people sprawled on the living room's couches.

Yoongi lazily scans the area pointed by your finger. A couple of his younger, fellow choir mates are sprawled on the couch and on the floor. Spaced out, engaged in hushed conversation, staring at the ceiling while laughing to themselves on occasion... leaning against whatever surface is able to hold them steady. The board games are scattered through the floor, in the background someone's playing the latest version of Just dance, terribly uncoordinated.

It's a shit show. And it's your shit show, because the Valentine's get-together was your idea. Jimin offered his house as the place to do it, and you had accepted. Fully knowing it to be the habitat of an entire Min Yoongi. Shame on you. You should’ve known better. Yoongi’s and Jimin’s parents had coincidentally went out of town at the very last minute, to visit an old friend of the family who had fallen ill. An unchaperoned party, with the presence of Min Yoongi, was the setting for disaster.

"Some are minors, Yoongi" you grit through your teeth. "Their parents will come pick them up at eleven o'clock and what will we do then?" The minority of the choir are of age, like yourself, Jimin, Yoongi and a couple others like yourself who are in their early twenties... but most are, 16-ish, 17-ish, minors. When parents come to pick up their children at 11 o'clock sharp, all they’re going to think is that it was you who set the trap for them to fall prey of sin. When in reality, you’re just a victim of the circumstances. Namely, Min Yoongi.

Yoongi does not respond, but instead stares. His dark, hooded eyes pin you into place. It registers a little too late, that his thumb's caressing the side of your hand.

"We?" His hold tightens around yours.

It's a treacherous feeling, the one that brews in your chest as your heart swells and skips a beat at the contact. It reminds you too much of simpler times, when you were both children and weren't at each other's throats. When Yoongi's way of comforting you would be to hold hands, playing with your fingers.

You know it shouldn't be that way anymore. Because he's not who he used to be since his mother’s passing, and neither are you since he drifted away from you. He's not someone your strict parents would approve of, as he is now. They want you with someone like his step-brother, Jimin. And that’s just what is going on now, you’ve already gone in a date with the sweet blonde boy. Because you know in your heart of hearts that you deserve, and should be with someone like him. Clean, nice and proper. Not the definition of sin that is Min Yoongi. The bad boy cliché. With his inked skin, leather clothes, bad habits, and underground life.

“Stop.” You yank away your hand, as if burning. The most pressing feeling at the front of your mind should be being mad at him, cussing him out for doing something so wrong and so stupid. Handing out pot brownies at a Christian get-together?

"I didn’t bring those. It wasn’t me.”

As if you would buy that after years of sick little jokes like whoopee cushions, laxants, and spilled wine. Inexplicably however, the flames of ire have dozed off to tiny, crackling embers. There's a dawning haze that's clouding your mind with each passing second, an unsettling numbness of your nerves. Your eyelids feel heavy over your eyes, it’s almost like you’re looking at him through your eyelashes. Your arms cross over your chest in a nonverbal cue of I’m not buying your bullshit, and Yoongi’s eyes follow the movement. His dark gaze boring like he can see through cloth.

“One of the guys asked me for a number, and I gave it to him.” His Adam’s apple bobs in his throat, and soon, you realize, you’re too close to each other for comfort. It’s an invisible force of magnetism that draws and repels you two. “Unbelievable as it may seem to you, it wasn’t me. I simply gave them what they wanted, it’s their decision from there. And I'm the bad guy?"

“They’re 16 and above. They’re children. They don’t know what they want.” You snort.

“And, do you? Do you know what you want?” Yoongi presses forward. You stumble backwards, until your back hits the wall. “Why are you so insistent in looking for reasons to hate me?”

You draw in a sharp breath. “Because you make it so easy. It’s almost like you want me to hate you.”

“But what do you want?” His boots close the distance between your bodies with soft thumps. Nearly drown out the own drumming of your pulse in your ears.

“Do you want to hate me? Or…” The air gets heavier by the second, as his body presses against you, you feel the tent of his denim pants poking your lower belly. You feel like drowning. Need some fresh air.

“N-no.” You push him off you. Scattering to the opposite side of the hallway, where the door exposes a sliver of the dark insides of what you assume to be Min Yoongi’s lair. There’s something wrong with your arms and legs. Their movement feels sluggish, as so feels your head. The words slip from your lips before you can stop them.

“I never know what I want when it comes to you.”

Min Yoongi's dark, slender figure stares at you for far too long, mulling your words over in his head, a little too out of it. “Why not find out yourself then?”

Blood rushes to your head so quick your vision spins. Yoongi’s keeping more distance now, but his presence still looms over you. His delicious scent clings around you. It all feels like an out of body experience, when you open your mouth to retort half-heartedly.

“Don’t misunderstand, Min Yoongi. I do not want to fuck you.” Your voice wavers, but you hold your stance still. “You must think you are hot shit, walking and talking around like a jackass. That I will fall for your act like so many. Well, you’re not who you’ve convinced yourself, and your new little friends, you are. Gloss.”

This is not about the pot brownies, or the stunned boys and girls on the couch anymore. This is a one on one between your lost friend of infancy and you. In the spur of the moment, your mouth makes the executive decision to bring the big guns before your brain has time to process what you're saying.

“And I’m tired of this…” you wave your hands at the air. “This half-assed, bad boy, womanizer cliché. You think your mother would want this for you?"

Yoongi's deceased mother. Tragically lost in a fire accident Yoongi still blames himself for to this day. You are an asshole.

"Well, maybe I want it," Yoongi deadpans. "Have you ever thought about that?" No, you think, you couldn't ever possibly have. You don't want to. Yoongi's voice's barely above a whisper, but there's a growl to his words as he spits them spitefully. "Maybe I want you to hate me, and for everyone to stay the fuck away, because I'm a fucking mess."

You trip over your own words in an attempt to placate him."That's not true! You're so much more than what you think of yourself." Your hand instinctively reaches for him in the dim hallway. Yoongi does not take it, neither do you try to actually grasp him.

"And how would you know?" Yoongi glowers. "You're not even sure about yourself. Playing the good little girl, who follows the rules, stays on line and never does wrong. Always following someone else's orders, wishes and expectations… tell me ____ when was the last time you did something for yourself? Something selfish?"

You're stunned into silence. Around you, the air buzzes with ballooning tension. it feels as though if you open your mouth, bat an eye, take a single breath… it will all burst in your face. Yoongi snorts at your lack of response, takes your silence as yielding.

"Right. Don't lecture me about existential questions like you're so above them." Yoongi scoffs. His chest puffs out ever so slightly as he crosses his arms, his posture straightens, resulting in an enticing show of his towering over you. "I’m an artist. That much I know. And you?” He lazily motions with a hand. “Take out choir and your religious devotion and who are you, besides a prideful, self righteous prude?”

Your cheeks swell with hot embarrassment. There's no preparing for the comeback your brain sputters out as a result of your wounded ego and numbed out senses.

“Whether you are a girl or a boy my tongue will make you cum? Please. Those are the words of an artist?" It's probably not your wittiest response. Not the smartest, really. It presents too many, too graphic, questions. And how come you recall those specific lyrics, from that specific song you've listened him practice that one time? The answer, well...

Yoongi shrugs. A contempt smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "I take pride in my craft."

Of foucking course he does.

There's not a single coherent thought in mind. Not a single rational one, when Min Yoongi is standing so close before you, wrapped in that forbidden fruit allure. With his soft black hair, leather jacket, intoxicating smell, and stupid, perfectly pouty lips. If your next actions are reckless in nature, you can blame it on the pull that heightens the dark feelings brewing in your chest. The feelings that have always been there, ready to spill.

"You're too much bark and no bite," you taunt. Fully conscious of where it'll take you.

"False," Yoongi mouths.

"Well, fuck it. I'll be the judge of that."

It's an all over the place situation, or so it feels like, when you pounce on Min Yoongi and lure him into the darkness beyond the open door of the hallway. It's an entanglement of numb limbs and lips. There's several bites on your side. His lips are small but plush, the delicate shape of his mouth too innocent looking to fulfill the promise of its abilities. The taste of him in your mouth has unleashed a ravenous need never felt before. You break the skin to taste all of him. You want it all, the blood, the sweat and tears.

His beautiful hands are all over your breasts, under your shirt. Petting, feeling, marking. There are rough and callous edges to his fingers, the sensation of them on your skin and his mouth on your pulse is aphrodisiacal. You're too loose with the sounds that leave your mouth, too responsive. The expanse of Yoongi's hands travel your torso until your blouse is off. Skin on skin contact makes you feel like putty in his hold.

Some way or the other, both of you fall onto the bed intertwined. It knocks the air out of your lungs, but the weight of him over you feels marvelous. Right between your legs, that's where it feels he has always meant to be.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted this." Yoongi confesses between scattered kisses to your clavicle.

"Yeah, you neither," you gasp. The tips of his fingers are teasing the button of your jeans. Your hands, previously intertwined in Yoongi's soft tendrils of hair, reach between your bodies and pop open the button themselves.

"Let's see if you really are more bite than bark," you pant.

Your jeans are swept from your legs in a blink, leaving you in nothing but your underwear. The skin of your thighs prickles with goosebumps at the sudden exposure. Yoongi does not say anything in response to your taunt, but conveys a promise in the dark glint of his feline eyes. The weight of the situation is lost on you, in your heightened state of senses. Through the thickness of the lust and fog enveloping your mind, you are vaguely aware that you are high because of the brownies, but so is Yoongi. You're both on even ground.

Yoongi's fingertips thread lightly over the inner part of your thighs in tentative up and down motions, coaxing your legs to open further for him. It's a natural response of your body, as is the gushing of your pussy, clenching on itself in anticipation. Your panties are ruined, soaked through. Yoongi's hands reach higher and higher, until they are at the edge of the flimsy piece of clothing.

Yoongi hums in contemplation. "So wet already." The pad of his thumbs hook in the lacy edges of your panties, your breath catches in your throat. Yoongi chuckles. "I haven't even properly touched you."

There's a still moment, charged with pent up anticipation, when one of his fingers finally touches you through the soaked cloth. Yoongi's index and middle fingers run over your labia in a teasing dance. The added friction of the wet material is a welcomed sensation. But he stops short of your clit every time. Purposely so. He's teasing.

Your hips squirm in response, looking for that needed friction in that particular spot. There's a whine that must resemble his name, caught between your teeth and tongue.

"Let me hear you," he rasps.

You'll be damned if you do.

Your expression must give your thoughts away because soon enough Yoongi's changing tactics. Your panties are slipped off your legs to your ankles. Yoongi's transparent hands are prying your legs further apart with scary resolve. He dives into your sex with the most breathtaking gaze of lust you've ever seen. His tongue pokes out to wet his lips, an imminent threat.

It's starts with an open-mouthed, hot kiss to your lips that has you clenching the sheets beneath your fingers. Yoongi's tongue alternates from there with sucking and licking your sensitive inner folds and swollen clit with varying degrees of intensity. The building ecstasy of his ministrations, courses through your body, from your core to the tips of your toes. It's impossible to restrain the ragged, audible breaths that leave your mouth at the sinful sweeping of Min Yoongi's tongue. You are so close to throwing pride out of the damned window…

Through your lust fogged mind though, a little sliver of pride shines through, reminding you what your little 'misstep' is all about. You are not about inflating this asshole's ego. Even if he kind of has sensible reasons to think so highly of himself… (not that you would ever admit to that). So you bite your lip and stifle any and all sounds of pleasure. Even if your eyeballs threaten to roll their way back to your skull as his tongue flattens against your clit. In the dark of your mind you swear you actually see stars.

An involuntary groan crawls through your throat. You can feel Yoongi smirking against your sensitive skin. He seems to notice your holding back. The silent, issued challenge. A light chuckle reverbates in the back of his throat. The puff of cool air that leaves his nose as he halts his ministrations, tickles your sensitive core, sends a shiver through your whole body. His fingertips circle patterns over the most sensitive skin of your inner thighs.

Yoongi is a man of few words, but it doesn't matter, as everything he wants to communicate in this moment he can do through his expression alone. The slight curve of his lips and glint of amusement in his eyes read, Still not admitting defeat?

Your panting, laboured breaths, and contained expression of pleasure easily give you away. But Min Yoongi is a proud little piece of shit; he demands an explicit, spoken admission of your defeat. He sets his mind to accomplish the goal. His tongue circles, teases your hole, before the hot muscle plunges inside you. You're a goner.

Your eyes roll to the back of your skull shut, with an appreciative groan. Yoongi's fingers trace the inside of your labia with feather-like touches that have your thighs clenching around his face. You're dripping onto the bed by now, and Yoongi's face and hands are covered in your juices. You're close, you're so close you could cry.

Your hands find purchase on soft tendrils of black hair, and tug. Pride be damned, you pull him closer to your aching core, and whine his name. You need him to touch you, to press on the exposed bundle of nerves that ache for the attention of his fingers. He's stopped moving his tongue inside of you, barely touching you... You're very well about to lose your mind with how much you need to get your release.

Yoongi's dark eyes flick up to you, pierce through yours with heavy intention. He raises an eyebrow in silent prompt, you have to say it. You cave in.

"Please Yoongi, please, just—! Fuck me, fuck me with your tongue, fuck!" You buck your hips, thrashing about, on the border of tears.

He holds your gaze as he fucks you with his tongue. One hand mindlessly petting your swollen labia and clit, the other one holding your bucking hips into place. Your eyes shut closed with the lewd image of Yoongi burning your mind. You feel your orgasm building up by the intermittent convulsions of your inner walls, reaching the point of no return as Yoongi retreats his tongue from your cunt and sits back to watch you writhe at his lack of attention. One hand strokes your inner thigh, as the other mercilessly rubs your clit until you feel like bursting. Your breath gets caught in your throat.

"Cum" he rasps, breathless himself.

And you snap. You cum with a cry that could easily be heard down the hallway. You can't care less about it though, as your body convulses and spams with abandon in pure ecstasy. Your eyes close as you ride the high, spasming around Yoongi's hand. It feels like you're falling and falling into an all consuming void. You let yourself melt into the mattress. He's caressing your cunt, gathering your slick in his fingers. Your hole is leaking with juices that run down your ass into the bed.

Yoongi's staring at you with the darkest eyes you've ever seen. His breathing is ragged, as he brings his hand up to examine his work. The collection of your glistening juices drips from his fingers onto your belly, and you wince. The bulge of his erection straining against his jeans catches your attention, your mouth waters, and your thighs clench. You briefly wonder if Yoongi is going to ask for some kind of retribution from you, which honestly speaking, you wouldn’t mind. Even if you are an inexperienced virgin, you convince yourself, you've watched enough porn through your restless nights to have a vague idea of what to do with that.

Yoongi's attention drifts back to you, as his hooded eyes pierce through yours. He comes closer, hovering over your body; presents his slick-covered fingers before your face. Your cheeks flush red with embarrassment at the lewd evidence of the events transpired between the two of you.

"Open up."

It’s embarassing how readily you give in to his demand. His voice, breathless but commanding, makes your insides tremble at the sound. You open your mouth, extending your tongue without complaint for him. It feels like an out of body experience. Like someone else has taken control over your body, and you are just a vessel for pleasure.

"Mmn… I love hearing you," Yoongi purrs. His voice sounds far away. "Maybe next time you can stop being such a prideful prude and let me hear more of you." He smirks, and gives you a wet kiss. You groan into it.

"N-next time?" you stutter. "Aren't you getting way ahead of yourself, Min?" There are actually high chances of a next time happening, but he doesn't need to know that.

Yoongi shrugs, stupid, smartass smirk in place. His hand moves further down, two fingers slipping inside your cunt. They curl inside you, rubbing at just the perfect spot, producing a choked out whine from the back of your throat. Yoongi's slender fingers mercilessly pump in and out of your slick hole, all the way to the knuckle and out to the tips of his fingers. Yoongi's eyes are fixed on you, your eyelids flutter in an effort to keep your eyes open. This is not a loving fuck, this is a stress-relief, frustration-driven, fuck. And you try very hard to keep that thought at the front of your mind when Yoongi's eyes glint at you with the slightest hint of affection. Your pussy is throbbing with sensitivity, yet you feel so close to orgasm it only riles you up and further. You whine and curse, and buck into his sinful hand with abandon. You need his thumb on your clit, his mouth, anything.

You're about to voice out your desire when the increasingly loud squelching sounds produced by the pumping of Yoongi's fingers catch your attention. They are embarrassingly lewd and loud to say the least. You briefly wonder if they'll be heard across the thin walls, only for a groan to be ripped out of your throat as Yoongi's hand thrusts hard into your hole.

"Look at you, so dirty and wet for me." Thrust. "Moaning and whining like a whore." Thrust.

"No one would guess it from that pretty face" Yoongi smirks ", but you're just another good girl who wants to get the good fucked out of her." Thrust.

There's an incoherent retort slipping from your blabbering tongue before Yoongi's hot mouth envelopes your swollen clit, pinching it for what it's worth, and you burst. Your head falls back with a groan, as your eyes screw shut. Your hands find purchase in Yoongi's locks of wavy black hair, your tighs bucking and thrashing into his lapping mouth. He grips your thighs and caresses the sensitive skin in long, patient motions. Yoongi laps your release with lazy, soft kitten licks. It's still too much to handle for your overstimulated, battered cunt.

"Stop." You tug at his hair with a whine.

Yoongi chuckles. "Enough?" There's another meaning, a hidden intention, behind the simple question. It extends a much more complicated, compromising offer. Does this stop now, or do you want more of this in the future?

You turn away from the intensity of his gaze, only to find yourself face to face with a portrait of Jimin's smiling face. It's a picture of him smiling alongside you, to be precise. The portrait you gifted him for his birthday. It dawns on you. This is Jimin's bedroom. As you come down from your high, you find a mix of guilt and thrill brewing in your chest. Is that what Eve felt when tasting the forbidden fruit? You let Yoongi have oral sex with you in Jimin's bedroom. The guy you are seeing. His step-brother. It should feel revolting.

Surprisingly, though... You like it. You are inebriated with the taste of the prohibited, and do not want to let go. You realize it as you stare back into those dark, all-consuming pools. You can't go back. You don't want to go back.

You like the darkness inside the walls.

#btsguild #magicshopnet #bangtanhq #bts suga smut #bts fanfiction #vee writes

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multmilk · 4 years

Text

The Babysitter | m.l

Pairing: Babysitter!Mark x Reader (ft.bff!lucas)

Genre: Fluff and Smut

Word count: 5555 (hahahaHHHH)

Warnings: thigh riding, voyeurism, finger-fucking, risky sex?, unprotected sex (stay safe when hitting it kids!!), teasing/suggestive themes, dom!mark. mention of baby vomit, talk of death and kidnap (light-hearted).

Summary: Y/N’s parents don’t trust that she’ll be able to take care of her baby cousin alone for an entire week. So, they hire Mark Lee of www.babyhelpers.com. Feeling frustrated, Y/N makes it her mission to prove to her parents that she’s just as good as the babysitter they hired and sets a competition for the two of them.

It's all fun and games ‘til somebody falls in love, right?

listen to: carousel– melanie martinez (the whole album—crybaby, inspired me to do this)

note: also, this was supposed to be found your love but hah I changed the title and the whole story itself lmaooo sorryyy. Also, the cover was supposed to be like mark in shock with all cute baby things surrounding him but it didn’t turn as good as I hoped so I just changed the whole concept hdsjkd AND mark with babies r the best uwu (also ft. tangled my all time favorite princess movie !!)

“He’ll be here tomorrow, honey. His name’s Mark Lee,” your mother said as she was slipping on her sandals. “So you’re telling me, you absolutely trust this stranger to take care of my 7 month-old cousin? And that this, complete stranger, knows how to handle a baby?” you scoff and put your hands on your hips.

You cannot believe that they trust this Mark fucking Lee with your cousin? To say you were feeling bitter was an understatement. “My colleagues recommend me to this site and to ask for specifically him. He’s gonna be great, Y/N. He has a good reputation and I’ve also seen him volunteer in church,” your mom replies with her own eyeroll, obviously knowing how salty you felt about all of this. “Still, what if he turns out to be a murderer? Not all Christian men are good you know,” you reply again and your mother huffs.

“You can always kick ass Y/N dear, we all know you’re more than capable to protect yourself,” “Also, he’s going to stay here. Make sure to give him pillows and a blanket,” “Woah woah,” your dad interjects, “He cannot stay here with two young females,” “Yeah let him stay somewhere else mom!” you chime in but your mother shakes her head and insists that it’d be easier for the boy to work if he stays at home. “Bye dear, be nice to Mark!” your mother bids you goodbye and closes the door.

---

MONDAY

You’ve stalked this Mark all night. He sure looked nice and you were pretty sure that being nice is just his front. I mean, who looks like God’s favorite boy and actually is a good guy? That wouldn’t be possible, of course it wouldn’t be.

It was currently 8 am and your baby cousin was still asleep in her crib. You’re currently drinking coffee and gazing outside your window, thinking about a lot of things. Like, what if he actually is better at taking care of your cousin than you? You can’t let that happen, your pride completely taking over. Which lead you to a plan and that is to observe how Mark ‘works’ and completely do everything to mess his routine up. Once you’ve succeeded, you’re going to make sure that he and your parents both knew that you are just as good a sitter he is. Feeling proud of your thought, you headed back to the dining room to cook some breakfast.

Ding. You walk up to the door and open it to see Mark Lee, God’s favorite creation, right in front of your eyes. He’s even more cute in personal. Wait no, he’s your competitor.

“Oh hi, is this Ms. Y/L/N’s house?” he asks as he looks into your eyes. You straighten up your posture albeit your knees falling weak to his sweet voice. “Yeah, I’m their daughter,” you say with arms crossed over your chest, making your breasts more prominent. Mark’s eyes leave yours for a second to glance at your breasts but quickly returns to your eyes again.

“I’m Mark Lee. I suppose you’re not the one I’m going to babysit the whole week?” he laughs a little. He takes his hand out of his pocket for you to shake but you just stare straight into his eyes. “Of course not. Jiji’s sleeping. She’s quite demanding for a 7 month-old, so if you can’t handle her just holler,” you say as you step aside for him to enter the house. He places his backpack on the couch and sits down. “I wasn’t expecting someone else to be here. You’re old enough to take care of her so why not just leave her to you? It could’ve saved you guys money,” he says. “Oh so me being here makes your task of ransacking our house a little harder doesn’t it?” you challenge and he giggles. He fucking giggles. What twenty-one year old giggles? “I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear your horrible assumption of who I am. Anyway, so why not just leave her to you? Unless,” he trails off and you raise your eyebrows at him, silently urging him to continue. “Unless they don’t think you’re capable enough to take care of her,” and then he smirks. You turn your back to him and go up to your room.

What a way to show him you’re an adult, Y/N. Walking out when offended? Real classy.

---

Surprisingly enough, Mark was good at taking care of Jiji. You just sat back and watched TV while he plays with the baby, feed her, cradle her to sleep and change her diapers. He really was good with babies, but whatever he could do, you could do better. Or so you think.

You’ve observed that no matter the noise or interesting thing that’s playing on the television could distract him from paying attention to your little cousin. He’s also very creative. In a span of 5 hours and 30 minutes, he’s created a brand-new rendition of the Alphabet Song that’s way better than the original one. He’s managed to help Jiji count from one to ten which makes him a good and patient teacher.

You, however, is the complete opposite of Mark. Sure, you were very handsy with kids but with babies? Your patient runs thin and you have got quite a temper, not really good for babies if you get annoyed as soon as they cry and don’t stop. That’s going to change tomorrow, you’ll step up your game and make sure your parents come back to a new and improved you.

You woke up to the cries of your cousin. She slept just a few spaces away from you and you quickly felt annoyed that your sleep was ruined but grew even more annoyed when you see Mark by the doorway, looking like he woke up from his slumber as well. He rushes to the crib and carefully picks her up. He shushes her and sway side-to-side as he hums to her.

“Give her to me Mark,” you say standing up “Nonesense, this is my job. Go back to sleep Y/N,” he continues to rock the baby back to sleep. You scoff once again and try to take the baby away from him but he quickly turns to his side and squints his eye at you. “I can make her fall asleep faster, Ma- wait. How did you know my name?” you whisper-yelled and he says he saw your high school diploma downstairs. “With the way you’re talking, you’re not helping her fall asleep faster,” he comments but you weren’t going to give up. You step forward but he steps back, still cradling baby Jiji. “Quit it, Y/N,” but you ignore his statement. “Stop it! Why are you insisting on stealing her?” his tone of voice made you flinch a bit.

Jiji cries and you both stare each other down as he still hums to her, mumbling a quick apology to the baby. “I can take care of her too, Mark. I’m just as good as you are!” you whisper-yelled again and then he looks at you with a mischevious glint in his eye. He steps forward and you back-away, only stopping once your back has hit the edge of the crib. “Oh so this is what this is? You trying to prove you’re a better sitter than me? To what? Boost your ego? Prove your parents wrong?” he says lowly. You turn your head to the side and look straight at the window, just to avoid the way he’s looking at you right now. “It won’t end well for you, sweetheart. I’m a pro at what I’m doing,” he says again and when you don’t reply he just smirks to himself as he sets Jiji down when she’s fast asleep. He opens your door but stops to say something before going out,

“Good luck Y/N. May the best sitter win,” and you look at him. He smiles and winks at you and then turns to leave.

---

[11:20 pm] to: yuck-hei

I am going to kick his ass tomorrow

[read 11:20 pm]

[11:21 pm] from: yuck-hei

Who's ass??

[read 11:21 pm]

[11:21 pm] to: yuck-hei

Mark lee!!! The sitter my parents hired

[read 11:21 pm]

[11:21 pm] from: yuck-hei

Mark lee? From babyhelpers.com? I know him, he took care of my sister while me and my parents were away.

[read 11:22 pm]

[11:22 pm] from: yuck-hei

He’s really good and nice y/n sooo y ru planning on kicking his ass?

[read 11:22 pm]

[11:24 pm] to: yuck-hei

Not helping lucas!!!! 🙁( my parents think he’s more capable of tending to jiji way more than I can :--(

[read 11:24 pm]

[11:24 pm] from: yuck-hei

Not to be a total ass but,,, you’re not really keen on babies? Remember when you had to take care of my sister while I was out to buy food for us?

You cringe as the scene plays out in your mind. Lucas was going to buy you guys ice cream and pizza and you had volunteered to take care of his sister. At first it was fun just playing toys with her but she had started to cry and you assumed she was hungry so you bought out the baby food Lucas had stored in their cupboard. She stopped crying once you fed her but then she started crying again and as you were trying to feed her more food, she vomited all over your (Lucas') shirt and your face. A white and creamy substance drips down to your neck and chin. On top of all of that, her diaper was full and she had pooped and some of it had stained the couch you two were sitting on.

Lucas was not amused.

---

TUESDAY

Cooking breakfast was supposed to be the first step to your plan but of course, Mark had beat you to it. He had bought you guys fast food and was currently eating his chicken when he spotted you standing in the stairway. He greeted you a good morning while raising his chicken at you. You walked towards your cupboard looking for something to eat when Mark said, “I bought you food too, Y/N,” but you refuse and insist on cooking your own food.

“I bet this chicken is better than what you’ll cook,” he said with a teasing tone. “Watch me,” you challenge and pull out carton after carton of your meal. The whole time you were cooking, Mark hadn’t tear his gaze away from you, only moving when he thinks he hears Jiji make a sound upstairs. He’d make comments here and there to infuriate you and soon enough, it did.

“God can you shut up? I’m trying to cook here,” you snap at him and he just laughs. “Maybe you should find a way to make me shut up,” he tests you and you felt your heart quicken at his statement. You were just taken aback right? As you were about to come with a witty remark, Mark had rushed upstairs when he heard a thud. Of course you wanted to see what happened upstairs but your bigger concern was not burning your house down.

You’ve finished cooking and Mark has ascended from upstairs, carrying baby Jiji while she sucks her thumb. “She put pillows on top of each other to get out of the crib,” he says then sets Jiji down on the chair beside him. “Then, she landed on your bed. She attempted to crawl down I guess? Found her on the floor,” he proceeds to feed the baby small pieces of cut out chicken.

“Wait, she fell from my bed? Oh God, what if she hit her head or something? What if something happen-” “She’s fine. I’ve checked for for any sign of injury and there was none. We jury and there was none. We could go to the hospital first thing tomorrow,” Mark reassures you and you nod. You three eat in silence, watching the raindrops race on the window.

---

Your baby sister was sat on Mark’s lap, they were both coloring different Disney princesses. They looked cute together, Mark was cute, however you can’t afford to get distracted. Suddenly, an idea popped into your head. Grinning, you take Jiji and Mark looks at you dumbfounded, ready to scold you but, you shush him and tell him you thought of something nice.

You rummaged your closet to find the princess costume you wore a few years back in Halloween. It was a Rapunzel (from Tangled) dress and you had the complete set. Violet dress, blonde wig, golden tiara and purple shoes. It wouldn’t fit Jiji, considering you were 12 years-old when you wore this so you cut the length and adjusted the sleeves. You helped Jiji change and put the tiara on her. She looked like a princess and you both giggled. You got out a purple dress and slipped it into your body and made Jiji choose your jewelry. You drew a makeshift crown and used clips to put it on your hair. After finishing, you carried your cousin downstairs and found Mark furiously coloring Princess Aurora’s dress.

“Mark,” he turns around and his eyes go wide at the sight of you in a dress. “You know if you wanted to dress up for me, you could’ve done so without having to drag Jiji along,” he comments as he walks toward you to take Jiji. “You look so cute princess,” he says and lifts Jiji up into the air. You were about to thank him for the compliment but realize it was meant for the baby he was holding

“You’re going to dress up too,” you say and his eyes bulge out and you and Jiji laugh out loud in sync. “Surely you’ve watched Tangled?” you ask and he hums in approval. “Good. You’re playing Mother Gothel,” you say and throw him the red dress you have. “I’m not wearing a dress Y/N!” he exclaims and Jiji laughs louder. “But Jiji would want to see Markie in a dress. Isn’t that right Jiji?” you turn to look at your cousin and she nods her head, obviously amused at the sight of two adults playing dress up. “You’re lucky you two are cute,” is all Mark says before he puts the baby down and treads to the bathroom to change.

The lights were dim and the golden light of the sun shun through the white flower-patterned curtains. You set Jiji down on the couch with her stuff toys and pillows around her. The scene where Mother Gothel and Rapunzel sing plays in the background and you and Mark take your positions and act out.

“Mother’s here to help you

All I have is one request

Rapunzel?” Mark sings, also incredibly well at that

“Yes?” you ask totally in character

“Don’t ever ask to leave this tower again,” he looks into your eyes and holds your waist

“Yes mother,” you reply not tearing your gaze from his

“I love you very much dear,” Mark says again that caused butterflies in your stomach

“I love you more,” you smile

“I love you most,” he releases his grip from your waist

“Don’t forget it

You’ll regret it

Mother knows best,” he sings with a dramatic roll of his head.

Jiji laughs and claps her hand. You’ve never seen your cousin so happy and so you giggle and Mark joins in. The three of you collapse into a fit of laughter ‘til you notice you and Mark were close to each other again. You’ve both stopped laughing and so did the other two. You inhale as he moves his face closer to yours, his lips a mere inch away from your own

“Oona,” Jiji mumbles and you both turn to look at her. Jiji points at the man standing at the door, also known as Wong Yukhei. You pull out of Mark and clear your throat. Lucas stands frozen on the doorway, completely forgetting that he was in the process of untying his shoes. He stares at you then back at Mark then at Jiji and then back at you. You clap your hands and this seems to remove everyone’s trance. Jiji goes back to watch the movie on the television and Mark removes the violet eyeshadow and blue lipstick Jiji (and you) had put on his face. You breeze walk towards your giant friend and pull him towards the dining room.

“If I interrupted something, I could leave,” he suggests and you take note of the stupid smile on his face, you knew he was never going to let this go. “Shut up, it’s part of my plan,” you pinch his side and he laughs out loud, you know the kind that’s so deep yet it booms the entire house? Yeah, that laugh. “Part of my plan my ass,” Yukhei shakes his head. You mumble something about keeping him distracted to prevent him from doing his work but you both know it’s complete bull.

“Why are you here anyways? You could’ve texted or called me you know,” you tell him as you wash the lipstick off of your face.“I’ve texted you ten times, called you twenty times. Thought you were dead or something worse so I thought I’d come to the rescue. If you weren’t so… distracted, You would’ve heard your phone go off,” he adds and sprinkle water from the faucet at him to act like his words offended you.

“Okay fine. I was distracted but- wait, did you just say something worse than death? What could possibly be more heartbreaking than death?” you ask, completely forgetting to ask why he was here seeing as he didn’t answer it the first time.

“Getting kidnapped,” he says it as if it’s such an obvious answer, you wanted to hit his arm. “I mean, when you’re dead it would leave a scar and yeah permanent damage. But when you’re kidnapped and not found and all of that, the uncertainty of it just leaves you hollow and lost too, you know? So yeah, I think not knowing where a person is, possibly knowing she’s in danger and you can’t do anything to save them, is scarier and much worse than death,” you give him a nod and think over his words.

Whenever you’re with Lucas, your talks could completely shift from funny and dumbassery to 2 am deep talks and you love it. “Any who, I came by to hang out but if you prefer to be with-“ you cut him off saying that he should stay, already knowing what’s going to be next in that sentence of his. He chuckles and kisses your head. You didn’t know that Mark was watching the two of you as he fixed the mess you three made. He ignored the feeling of jealousy that’s bothering him.

Lucas had introduced himself to Mark and Mark surprisingly remembered who the tall friend of yours was. The three of you had settled on the couch to watch a movie while Jiji sat between your legs. The blanket wasn’t big enough for the four of you so everyone was sitting close to each other. As much as you wanted to watch a horror movie, the two boys beside you refused and used Jiji as an excuse. You all settled to watch Get Smart, all adults being a fan of Anne Hathaway and Steve Carell.

Lucas mimicked the sounds of guns going off and you and your baby cousin would laugh every time, except when Mark tried to do it too. It instead had made Jiji cry and Mark quickly apologizes and shuts his mouth soon after. Halfway through the film, Jiji had fallen asleep and you and Yukhei cuddled.The blanket was off of you three and instead draped over Jiji’s little legs so Mark could clearly see Yukhei’s hand on your thigh, giving it subtle squeezes every now and then. He observed the way you reacted to Lucas’ touches and you oddly felt at peace. Your eyes dropped and you quietly snored on Yukhei’s chest.

“She’s pretty, huh?” Lucas’ voice surprised Mark so the boy averted his gaze. “When you decide you want her and maybe go for something serious with her, make sure to take care of her, okay? Don’t break her heart, Mark. I mean it,” Lucas says as he stares the smaller boy down. Mark nods and stands up to take Jiji upstairs. Mark placed her on the crib and jogged downstairs to help you clean up.

What he didn’t expect was you to stand in front of Yukhei and kiss him on the cheek. You bid him goodbye and sigh of exhaustion.

“You and Lucas are a thing, huh?” Mark asks you as he turns the television off. “Yeah a platonic thing,” you reply and stretch your limbs, the action causing your shirt to lift up and Mark catch a glimpse of your tummy. He blushes and turns around, acting as if he didn’t see anything. “Good night, Mark,” you tell him and go upstairs.

WEDNESDAY

True enough to his words, as soon as the three of you had eaten and bathed, you went to the hospital. It is a nice day outside, the sun was shining but not bright enough to hurt your eyes. The wind was blowing Jiji and Mark’s hair and there weren’t many cars on the street early in the morning.

The trees that surrounded the hospital made the day prettier. The scenery serene and comforting.

Jiji was playing with the rag doll the pediatrician gave her to distract her while the doctor checks for any damage.The doctor then explains that it was good that you took your cousin to the doctor to be sure but advised that next time, it’d be better and easier to assess the damage if you bring her earlier. She reassures that Jiji will be fine and that you three could be on your way.

You’re in a toy shop and decide to spoil your baby cousin, it isn’t everyday you get to go out with her anyways. Mark was by the toy gun section as you pick up the barbie dolls your cousin had chosen.

You approach the black-haired boy but screamed when he pointed a gun at you and tells you to freeze. Without even thinking of your actions, you hands immediately shot up in mock surrender, causing the dolls to fall on the tiled floor. Mark laughs and apologizes while you huff and stomp away from him, Jiji on tow.

“That’s all you’re going to buy? I could definitely buy Jiji more,” Mark comments as he hands you back the dolls you’ve dropped. “You know what, I’m going to look for a toy that I think Jiji wants and come back here to let her choose. Loser buys us lunch,” Mark confidently says. You chuckle and allow him to do so. Five minutes later and he comes back with a Rapunzel doll in his hand. Jiji’s eyes sparkles almost immediately when she sees the toy she’s holding. Mark crouches down and whispers into Jiji’s ears.

“Y/N-ie dressed up like this doll remember? This doll and your noona look the same right? Very pretty, yeah?” and Jiji nods her head enthusiastically and grabs the doll from Mark. “What did you say to her? That’s cheating Lee!” you yelled at the guy but he just laughs at you. “I won fair and square sweetheart. Now where to to lunch?” he grins and you grimace.

The whole day you and Mark competed for Jiji’s attention. Mark was winning by three points and boy, did he gloat. Mark had carried the shopping bags and you carried Jiji. It was still a sunny day so you decided to head to the amusement park. Mark left the shopping bags near the counter and bought tickets for the three of you.

You watched as Mark shot target after target, too immersed in the game just so he could get that big ass teddy bear. You and Jiji watched the way the veins in his arm popped out whenever he pulled the trigger. Well obviously, your baby cousin wouldn’t focus on that detail exactly, she was just happily eating ice cream while watching the targets go down one by one.

You’ve all tried different rides (ones that allow you to bring your cousin with you) and was about to go home before Mark argued with you that winning a teddy bear before going home is an absolute must. How could you say no when he looked so cute? You completely forget the competition thing, fully accepting that Mark was indeed a better sitter than you.

“Yes!” Mark exclaimed and he looked downright happy. He’s fist-pumping the air and jumped twice before he had to calm himself down when parents and children looked at him. He takes the giant teddy bear and hands it to you. “Wait this is for me?” you ask, shock and confusion very evident on your face. Mark nods and you thank him.

“We never really started right. Consider this as my peace offering?” his tone seems a little hesitant but you reassure him with a kiss to his cheek. It seemed as if time had stopped and only the three of you were existing. It was a perfect moment until it started raining, hard. When the hell did the clouds turn grey? You two rush to get your shopping bags and run for shelter.

Soon enough the rain had stopped but nothing quickly shielded you from its impact earlier. The three of you were soaking and Jiji was crying. You then decided to take a cab and go home.

You took Jiji to the bathroom to give her a quick bath and then dried her. You had Mark get her her baby formula. “Here y-“ Mark stops in his tracks as he sees you taking off your shirt. Time seems to be fucking with him because every moment seemed slower than the last one. He watched as you unclasped your bra, throwing it to the side.

What he couldn’t take was when you bent down to take your jeans off of you completely. He hid himself behind your door, breath hitched as he felt blood rushed down his cock. It’s so so wrong, but it felt so good. He wanted to touch you, caress you, kiss you and nourish you. “Mark?” you ask and he cleared his throat before handing you the formula. You thank him and smile.

He’s certain he won’t get any sleep tonight.

THURSDAY

It took everything in Mark’s willpower to bend you over your kitchen counter and ram into you. Last night, you wearing a shirt with no bra on and definitely no shorts on. When your little cousin had slept peacefully. You two listened to chill music, talked about your childhood and dreams. Mark discovered you two had a lot in common and focused on your stories instead of the way your lips moved or when your thighs move when you shift into a more comfortable position.

Last night was pure torture for Mark but he secretly loved it, not wanting it to be any other way.

The last straw however, was when he saw you at 7 am in the morning, earphones on (but he could hear the Paramore song you were playing from where he was standing) with nothing but a bra and pajamas on. Sure, it was hot, but didn’t you feel bothered that another man, especially a stranger, was in your house and you’re wearing little clothes? Not to mention how you were practically body rolling at this time of the day?

“Y/N,” Mark said as he moved towards you. “Y/N!” he says more loudly which causes you to jump a bit. Mark’s eyes trailed down your body, stopping momentarily at your breasts. “Like what you see?” you teased and his jaw clenched. “Are you doing this on purpose?” “What ever do you mean?” you smile coyly, voice laced with innocence.

His hands travel your waist and then he licks the shell of your ear, making you visibly shudder. “Changing your clothes knowing I can walk in on you any minute, not wearing anything underneath that shirt last night and now this? You must be desperate for me,” ”P-please,” you stutter suddenly hyperaware of how his dick was so straining against the fabric of his sweatpants. “Please what?” he challenges “Please make me feel good, daddy?” you say.

Mark throws his head back and groans. He picks you up and sets you down on the floor near the couch. Mark spreads his legs apart, cock even more visible, so visible you could see the slightest hints of it throbbing. “Ride my thigh like the good girl you are,” and you follow him immediately. You remove your sweatpants and leave your underwear on, your arousal dripping. You grip his shoulders as you rock back and forth on his thigh. You two were both moaning at the friction, it all felt too good. “Fuck, I’m going to come,” at your statement, Mark slips to fingers inside your panties and began fucking you with his fingers. Soon enough, your orgasm came and you melted into Mark as he praises you. “You did so well baby, fuck,” he comments and carries you upstairs bridal-style.

You whimper as he sets you down on the bed. “Quiet baby, you don’t want to wake Jiji up do you?” and his smirk goes wider as you shake your head profusely.

Mark kisses you for the first time and you swear you could feel sparks ignite both of your bodies. His hand goes to squeeze your left breast as he peppers the right one with kisses. His other hand goes to toy with your clit and it causes your body to spasm. “Fuck Mark,” you moan breathlessly as he pinches your nipple and rubs your clit at the same time. Mark removes his pants and boxers, discarding it somewhere near the door.

Mark pumps himself a few times before he enters you without warning. You both moan at the pleasure of being filled, completely forgetting that your cousin was sleeping in a crib near you. Mark thrusts at a quick pace and grip the sheets. “You’re so tight baby,” he moans. “Y-you’re so tight daddy-ah- harder please,” and Mark complies. Mark felt you clench and so he asks if you’re close but before you could reply you were already coming. Mark thrusts a few more times before he was finishing too. Mark lays down beside you and holds you close.

“Thank you,” you say looking up at him and he kisses your forehead. Just as you were about to sleep, Jiji cries and both you and Mark grunt and then laugh.

FRIDAY

You had Jiji sit on top of your lap while Mark was taking videos of you two. You and Mark had agreed to somewhat date and to take things slow. If anyone walks in on the three of you, you would’ve looked like a happy family. Not that you aren’t, you three looked too cute.

The door unlocks and reveals the shocked face of your mother. “Mom?” you say, tone a bit higher than you intended. Mark goes to help life the suitcases your parents bring and also doesn’t forget to greet them. “How was the trip?” “It’s great honey. What about the three of you?” “I’ve had fun with Mark” “Y/N’s lovely, Miss Y/L/N,” you and Mark say simultaneously. Your mother seems to pick up the (cute) tension between the two of you and smiles. “How was Y/N with Jiji?” Mark smiles and tells her all about the adventures the three of you had gone through. Mark bids you farewell and promises to see you again.

“Bye dear! I hope you don’t mind that Mark helps you out with Jiji?” you shake your head and shout “Not at all! Stay safe!” and Mark enters your home. You jump and he catches you with no trouble, wrapping your arms around his neck you both say, “I missed you,” and you smile as he leans in to kiss you.

Needless to say, you were happy with the service he provided.

#mark lee #mark lee smut #mark lee x reader #nct mark x reader #nct mark smut

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spadesinglasses · 5 years

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Elite s2 (Series)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OKAY I JUST FINISHED ELITE S2 IN ONE SITTING AND OOF IT WAS A BITCH THIS NIGHT.

WHERE SHOULD I START?

OH OKAY I WILL START WITH MY BABY CRISTIAN. HE’S NOT IN THE SEASON ALMOST. WHY, DID THE ACTOR HAD SOMETHING ELSE TO DO?

Altho it pretty much worked since his character is actually unnecessary since it still all came out eventually.

Carla, baby boo you’re doing your best, but men just kept on fucking with your life. Honestly, maybe men are just not for you.

LUCRECIA I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU IN SEASON 1. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED, WHERE DID THIS INCESTUOUS STRIKE CAME FROM?

GUZMAN, GUZMAN BABY I’M SORRY. YOU’RE GOING THROUGH ALOT, BUT YOU ALSO GOTTA STOP THINKING WITH YOUR DICK. YOU KNOW THE POSITION NADIA WILL BE IN, WHY DID YOU NOT THINK TWICE.

Nadia, girl, baby I know how hard it is to be stuck in this fucking bubble of your family. I know the pressure to be free, and Omar got it, but I know that you just love your parents and your religion in ways that Omar didn’t (IM NOT SAYING OMAR DOES NOT LOVE HIS RELIGION OR PARENTS. IM JUST SAYING THAT THEY LOVE THESE THINGS IN DIFFERENT DEGREES AND INTENSITY OKAY)

But also Nadia good for you to finally be appreciated by your parents. I know how it feels to be in a position where you will think your parents worship the ground your brother was standing on no matter what. But seeing you finally get to the other end of the tunnel much loved and appreciated by your parents was such a heartwarming feeling and it gives me hope. (Altho i do doubt that life for me will be as good as Nadia’s)

OMAR, OMAR BOO STOP ATTACKING YOUR SISTER. SHE HAD DONE NOTHING WRONG TO YOU, STOP.

But also Omar, i’m so happy that you’re finally getting the chance to be who you are, to be free and just loved ,and just express yourself. I know Ander didn’t understand you at the beginning, but hopefully now he’ll know better.

Ander, you poor baby, it must be hard deciding who’s friend you gotta keep.

Fuck, sorry did not mean to be anti Ander, but baby a murderer literally confessed to you, and his reason was not even fucking valid. You chose to be silent, and let Guzman spiral to fucking madness when YOU fucking know Guzman got no one. POLO WHO WAS GUZMAN’S BEST FRIEND, JUST KILLED HIS SISTER AND YOU CHOSE TO BE QUIET BECAUSE WHAT?

I love you Ander, and you make Omar happy, and Omar makes you happy. You are going through your parents divorce and got a lot on your plate, BUT OMFG.

Samuel, MY BABY YOU’RE ALIVE. YOU’RE SO FUCKING HOT AND JUST SO PRECIOUS. I LOVE YOU, YOU GOT ALL MY UWUS BECAUSE IT SEEMED LIKE I JUST CANNOT CONTAIN MY FEELS FOR YOU.

Honestly tho, Samuel’s actor is just goddamn so hot. I should really look up what his name is, but jfc baby boo your body should be worshipped.

(ehem to those who read this, I apologize for the thot-ness that came out in this post. I just love Samuel’s pretty eyes is all.)

Rebecca!

AND NOW DRUM ROLL PEOPLE FOR THE SHITS OF THE SEASON

tUN TUN TUN TUN

CAYETANA GIIIIIRL Honestly i do not even know what to say to you. I know here in Tumblr we’re all “fuck rich people, give their money to the poor” but girl, you somehow missed the “give their money to the poor” part.

AND PLEASE I hope, i really hope that you know that Polo is just using you, manipulating you into his scapegoat. I BET YOUR ASS HE’S GONNA PIN THE MURDER TO YOU.

Polo, bitch just die.

SPECIAL MENTIONS

NANO BABY YOU’RE HOT, IF YOU NEED A PLACE, MY SINGLE BED CAN HAVE TWO BODIES ON IT. I HAVENT TRIED THAT BUT I’LL MAKE IT WORK JUST FOR YOU.

I love him guys. I just love him. He’s wrong most of the time, but his heart is in the right place.

Samuel and Nano’s mother, I do not know you, but please think about what you’re about to say next time.

Police inspector, you’re a queen for finally listening to Ander. But omfg you stressed me ouuuut big time.

TUN TUN TUN FOR THE GUY WHO DOES NOT DESERVE ALL THIS, CRISTIAN MY BABYYYY

oooof apparently its spelled Christian, CHRISTIAN MY BABY I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU SHARE YOUR NAME WITH MY BROTHER, BUT STILL I LOVE YOU AND HOPE YOU SURIVIVE, AND THAT YOU RECOVER INTO A BETTER PERSON. I WANNA SEE YOU IN SEASON 3 IF ITS EVER GONNA HAPPEN. KISSES.

TLDR: This season was awesome and gave me mucho feels. My view towards the characters have not changed much compare to how i saw them back in Season 1, EXCEPT, for Lucrecia, who was still deserving of love, but REALLY needs to stop trying to manipulate people around because IT ALWAYS NEVER WORKS. Honey, you’re no mastermind, let’s just face that okay?

GENERAL OPINION TOWARDS THE SHOW.

I LOVE ALL OF IT. Right from the start I knew something was wrong about Cayetana, the whole vending machine scene was over the top, and im sure even if you’re homeschooled, you will be aware of it or at least not talk about that that much.

It was painful to see Christian like that, and honestly fuck you Carla’s demented father.

I LOVE the quote from Ander talking about how they are just children and the adults disappoint them, BUT YOU the watches get the effect from the whole set up that the world is the adult’s playground, and there’s just nothing you can do about it.

The season is amazing, UP until the ending because honestly im just tired of Polo at this point. Homeboy murdered someone without any valid reason AND HE STILL GETS AWAY FROM IT.

Carla knows the system, and honestly of course we got some white boy getting away with murder again.

Samuel was true as well about power and money that can heavily affect how the justice system listens to the victim.

Carla was right about the women having lesser weight in their voices against some white male.

The justice system is broken, we all know that and we all wish that it will be fixed soon. (well Im being generous here, because let’s be honest, there are OTHER people who don’t want the justice system to be fair.)

WOOPS got all political and shit, woopsies.

anyways see ya and hope we get season 3 soon if its ever even announced or sth.

#elite netflix #elite season 2 #glass thoughts #elite season 2 spoilers #spoilers #just in case

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cherry-slushie-cosplay-blog · 5 years

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Freshman Year Quotes

Ok so I did a list of all the stupid shit I heard in my Freshman year of high school. Enjoy.

(T) - Teacher (AP) - Freshman Assistant Principal

FRESHMAN YEAR ----

"Any weeb brethren, see me after class I want to be friends." *class is totally silent* "*loudly* I have a seven inch penis." "I'm a farmer bitch I will throw my crops at you." "You can teach tiny cil- chilr- chilud- chiluden, wait what?" "I'm telling Jesus!" "Jesus already knows." "(T) Use your 5 sols! Haha, get it? Like soul?" "Bold of you to assume I have any at all." "HE CALLED ME THE N-WORD, HE CALLED- oh shit you're a girl my bad I'm just messing around trying to get someone in trouble. Have a nice weekend!" "Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben, acht...FUCK!" "How do you make an equilateral square?" "I think my back has scoliosis." "I've got a bag of chicken." "Why do you have a bag of chicken?" "Because. Why do you have a bottle with mangos on it?" "This- this is mango-flavored tea!" "AND THIS IS CHICKEN-FLAVORED BAG" "...and some condoms have spermicide which kills off the sperm. Don't ask me how I know all that, Mrs. ********." "Are you from Russian?" "Sit your ADHD-filled ass down." "If we were in hell, do you really think I would be here?" "(T) Yes." (T) "Is stupid written on your forehead?" "I don't know, is it written on yours?" "His forehead's big enough for it." "That looks like an orgy pile over there." "Why do you guys always sit behind me?" "If we want to kill you, you won't see it coming." "Is this what Julius Caesar felt like?" "You're so tiny! You look like a doll!" "And you look like a cock-riding motherfucker." " Technically, time is a construct." "Technically, none of this matters and we're all gonna die soon." "Will you two shut up please?" (T) "My 2019 has been completed, I made a student cry." (This was January 10th btw) (T) "As long as you do your best and turn that in, you'll be fine." "What if my best sucks and I get a bad grade?" "Ok that was good I'm gonna give you that." "I'm gonna put on black lipstick and go to sleep." *Aggressively singing Dream Daddy For Me* "What's that?" "A grapefruit." "Bitch that ain't a grape." "No, grapeFRUIT." "It looks like you put Kool Aid in an orange." "Dude it's called a grapefruit." "No, fuck you and your Kool Aid orange." "I ate a mouse dongle." "Why the fuck would you do that?" "I don't know, I just did." "Racism is my bitch. I bend racism over and take it from behind." "A function is an input and a function...oh wait hold on I messed up- stop laughing at me I got this." "James Charles did one of Bob Ross's tutorials on his forehead." "So he has a big forehead-" "Shut the hell up ***** no one cares." "The answer was D! D as in 'Dinosaur chicken nuggets'!" (T) "What are the first ten amendments?" "I know the ten COMMANDments." "No one cares, we're not in Christian school." "YES WE ARE HAIL MARY" (T) "Do your work or the Lord may strike you." *this was at the religious girl from the previous quote* "What time is it?" "It's fuckin uhhhhh noon o 5." "Noon o 5?" "I forgot the word twelve." "I SEE HEADLIGHTS" "Hm?" "Headlights is nipples." "If this is a test I'm gonna throw myself out the window. I was about to go to the hospital this weekend and I'm still gonna make it happen." "I won't T-Pose for dominance but I will screech and make your eardrums bleed." "Does anyone remember Llamas With Hats?" 4 people: "caAAARRLLLLL" "Pagans terrify me." "Why?" "Every pagan I know of is a furry." "sKeDaDdLe SkAdOoDlE yOuR dIcK iS nOw A nOoDlE" "NO NOT IN MATH CLASS" "Doodlebops." "shUT THE FUCK UP" "I watched that yesterday, I have it on DVD." "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE DOODLEBOPS ON DVD" (T) *random Chewbacca noise* "My brain is smaller than my dick." "If you feel stupid, you should." "What about King Solomon?" (T) "What has Solomon ever done for America?" "What have YOU ever done for America?" "Nothing should be in your mouth unless it's a banana." "What type of banana?" "A yellow one, duh." *laughter* "Or a green one, whichever you like more." (T) "For the people who I'm signing these for: are you going to the farm-" "YES WE FINNA BE COWBOYS" (T) "What y'all playing over there?" "Chess." (T) "I hope you lose." (T) "If you're stupid, it's your fault." (T) "Let's go guys!" "hoLD ON I'M SAVING MY POKEMON GAME" "There's people taking pictures down there - should I pour Monster on them?" "When you gave me my pencil I was like 'I like Zoe, she's nice' in my brain and then my brain somehow connected that to 'You tryna smash?' and another part of my brain said 'No, stop, she'd cut your dick off'." "That's the strangest intrusive thought I've ever heard from a friend." "How many of y'all think I'm gay?" *about 6 people raise their hands* "Ok then." "May I please go to the bathroom?" (T) "You just have to get out of here at any chance you get, don't you?" "I'm serious, I'm really hungry, does anyone have any food?" "I have lotion." "Fuck you." (T) "OH MY GOD SHE HAS TAP SHOES CAN YOU DANCE???" "...no" (T) "YOU STILL LOOK GOOD" *watching Sorcerer's Stone* "Who's at the window?" *ta-da it's Malfoy* "Oh it's a blonde-headed lesbian." "Shit fuck goddammit bitch pussy fucking Jesus Christ." "I have ibuprofen, you know." "Nah, I'm good." "I'm a lil loli short and flat~ My head is for pat- wait fuck what was it" "Hello~ my fuCKING HIP OW" "Are you ok?" "I popped my hip...Hello, my name is Elder Price~" (T) "Here, it's legal to marry your 2nd cousin twice removed." "I'm doing it." (T) "******** no-" "Fuck (insert name of school district), man. On my mom." "I wanna fucking die I hate this class." "No. I look like Jesus, I'm telling you no. Therefore, Jesus says no and you're not allowed to die." (T) "How else could we have solved this?" "With a calculator." "Did Diego steal his money from Dora?" (T) "I don't know, moving on." "All y'all talking about how your souls are dark black, mine is baby blue. It's brighter than your hair." "uwu my stomach hurts" "I'm serious I'm not on my phone." (T) "Oh really?" "I swear to GOD she wasn't!" (T) "Oooooohhh" "Holy shit Zoe you're gonna send **** to hell." "You were staring at me for like 20 seconds before calling on me!" (T) "No, my glass eye was staring at you. My real eye was over there seeing that stuff, and over here I didn't see sHIT." "I heard there's G-Spots in your ass, why don't you shove it up there and have some fun." "How about no?" "Suit yourself." "I don't like raw fish — it makes me sad." "100 senators!! Come ON, Sen - a - tors!" "Shut up go stick your head in a dick." "I want that Mormon Milk." "I'm begging you to stop talking." "I'm salivating for that salvation." "Shut the fuck up."

BONUS: SCHOOL'S POWER OUT

"My god that sun is brighter than Kirishima's smile." "Zoe is turning into Trina." "I'm breaking down~" "Come over here anyone who wants to take 'Golden-Hour Mental Breakdown' selfies and/or get Pocky." "Anyone who refuses to let their anxious child come home will be personally smacked by me with Zoe's copy of 'Half-Blood Prince'."

NORMAL SCHOOL

"Stab me in the ovary or whatever you said." "CORRODED ARTERY YOU ARE MALE" "Same difference." "Perfect boy lookin-ass- no homo." "What the fuck" "People think that Sherlock Holmes isn't real because he was written in a book. God was too but you don't see people denying HE exists, do you?" "Ok do a burpee." *burps loudly* "No a- you're a fucking idiot." "Heyyyyy Zoe, can we- holy shit is that Pornhub?" "How do you make a baby crawl in a circle?" "I don't fucking know." "Ok...do you know how to make one stop?" "When did you get here!?" "Couple minutes ago." "???" "I'm quiet and people generally don't notice I'm here." "...do you need a hug?" (T) "What'd you do this weekend?" "Some sewing." (T) "What'd you sew?" "Robes…" (T) "For what?" "*increasingly embarrassed* A costume." "From what?" "*very red by now* Harry Potter…" "Which character?" "*wanting to crawl into a hole* Draco Malfoy…" "*polite clapping from entire class*" (T) "He's on the road to alcoholism." "I'm doing a 21-Day challenge of not talking, if I do - punch me." (T) "Oooohhh this is gonna be fun." *knock at door* (T) "*presses face against door window* What's the password?" "bitCH GIVE ME BACK MY CAPRI-SUN" "It's not Capri-S-" "IT'S BOOTLEG CAPRI-SUN GIVE IT BACK" "Holy shit you turned the Jesus-freak gay." "What happens if you don't deletus the fetus?" "Then the abortion isn't completus." (T) Can you see where I'm going?" "To hell." "Oh look, a wasp." "KILL THAT SHIT" "Oh man I can't hear my eardrums." "How the fuck would you hear your eardrums?" "That's the POINT." "I like a p p l e s ~I like 'em big and juicy-" (T) "NO." "Everyone raise your hand if you want Mr. **** out of the room." *80% raises their hands* (T) "Even you?" "What do you mean 'even me'!?!?" "******? ******!!" "What?" "If I ask you a question will you be a douche?" "Probably." "Understandable." "What the hell am I reading?" "Words." "Mr. **** do you like donkey ducks?" (T) "I'm not even going to answer you." "I'm scared of homophobes." "Homophobophobia." "If gay is a slur does that mean that African American is a slur?" "Who has my mcfreaking phone? WHOMST HAS MY PHONE" (T) "Ooh free charger! *wraps cord around neck like a scarf*" "Whee whee mone me jam apple laff-yeti" "If someone is being homophobic, give them dyslexia." "Troom Troom life hack: if someone is harassing you — eat them." "Troom Troom banana hack: if someone is harassing you — shove a banana up their ass." (T) "Take that hat off." "I'm a gangsta." "I'm never gonna use this shit. Do you think I'm gonna go to McDonald's and say something like, I don't know, 'Oh riddle me dubious'? NO." "I'm gonna meticulate you until you get dyslexia." "What the fuck does that even mean?" "I'm gonna meticulate your rectum." "Please stop." (T) "See that girl? She likes bad boys." (T) "Ask her, she has tape." "What the hell has made you think I have tape?!?" "I don't care if you have 106% in this class, you can kiss my fat ass!" "No, PICasso." "I like Costco-" "No." "Holy shit *points at red train in movie watched in class* it's the Hogwarts Express." "Stop it." "Choo choo bitch we goin' to magic school." (T) "Guys Mr. ***** is in here, quick make it look like you're doing math." "3 + 7 = 9!!!" "Are you serious?" "MOVE IT, MUNCHKINS!" *shoves us apart and runs off* "Excuse-moi, I'm gonna beat her ass." "Oh my god someone's weave is on the floor." "Only at (insert school name here)." "THERE'S MORE THEY THREW IT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW" "*handing out books* Take this dick, *throws book on student's desk next to me* and here you go. *places book gently on my desk*" "waIT TAKE THAT BACK I WANT A 'HERE YOU GO' WTF" (T) "-and so the corn salsa would be 20...thaaaat's not one of the answers oh no." "You fucking whore, happy birthday." (T) "How do you know you are college and career ready?" "Because Jesus loves me." "Last time I shit my pants was in middle school." "rePEAT THAT?" "I'm gonna show up tomorrow with AIDS." "Did you just say you'd show up with AIDS?" "Yeah." "Why??" "Cause HE put his spit on me." "I'm borrowing your chair. To sleep." "I'm straight as a line." "Oh? *makes loop-de-loops in the air* You mean THIS line?" (T) "I will decimate you. I will wipe your name from the earth." "Is the government making us take this test?" (T) "No, the district is making us take it." "Well the district can suck my ass." *calling every white person in a certain scene of Ernest Green a toothpick* "Is it just me or does ******** seem like he'd end up having a job at Chuck and Dale's?" "GIVE ME BACK MY PHONE I WANNA WATCH MERLIN" (T) "You boys don't know how to chop down a tree, do you? You wouldn't be able to do that." "Yes I would, I do it in Minecraft all the time!" (T) "Ok, remember to put your name on your paper." "No. I have no name. She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Voldemordita." "Stop it." "Shut up, both y'all gay, always smackin' each other's asses in class." (T) "Easy, Luigi, we're not watching a movie." (This was a sub for Civics class and he had just walked in 2 minutes prior. The student's name was not Luigi) "Hold on I'm gonna be Oprah: YOU GET A CALCULATOR, YOU GET A CALCULATOR!" "Y'know ***** still needs one." "F R I C K" *girl walks into a desk* "There's a desk there ****." "I KNOW fuck OFF" "I feel like we need to warn her about everything when she walks." "Watch out for life, ****." "Can we do it on paper?" (T) "No, this is not Burger King." *leaving the room* "Remember, cocaine is not your friend. I'll kick your ass." (T) "Wow! It's Good Friday, and you're talking about your baptism and stuff like that, and you said 'oh my fricking god'? For shame." (T) "I'm on a lot of drugs and alcohol right now and I can't feel anything." "Oh my GOD USE A YARDSTICK" "No." "MR. ******** I'M GONNA HURT HER" "Gonna stab her with the yardstick?" "I need bail money." "I need money PERIOD." "DRAW. A STRAIGHT. L I N E." "NO, FUCK YOU" "You know you're gay when it takes you 3 tries to draw a straight line." "DON'T TAKE MY JOKE" "You definitely know you're gay if it still isn't straight after 3 tries." (T) "What would you do if someone came into your neighborhood?" "Who's neighborhood? Mr. Rodger's?" "I have 15 pets." "I have 13 siblings, does that count?" "No but it does mean that your parents need to learn how to use a fucking condom." "Hi my name is J. Michael Tater Tot welcome to the Dairy Dome." "Dyslexia? I thought you said...cannibalistic tendencies." "What?" "I couldn't think of anything that rhymed." "You need to flex seal your anus closed." "If you don't fucking shut up I will shave off your eyebrows using my toenail as a razor you cunt." "Sippy Cup looks depressed." "Sippy Cup, you going through some shit?" "Hit or Miss, I guess they never miss, huh? You got a boyfriend-" "Yep." "I bet he doesn't kiss ya!" "Haha nope." "Ew I look like Casper." (T) "...and we're going to write a paragraph." "Oh you're FUNNY." "I think I'm switch. Like, I'm good with being sub, but I'd like to dominate my bitch too. Like F.B.I get on the ground open your legs." "Ms. ******* that's really bright-" (T) "YOU'RE bright." Video: *talking about how important this song is to them* (T) "I don't care stop talking." "I peed on the desk again." "Key word: AGAIN???" "You should send ****** and I to get them." "That is a HORRIBLE idea." "What do you mean it's a horrible idea? You don't know me!" "What do you mean 'I don't know you?' We have gone to school together for almost 4 years." (T) "Look, I know you're obsessed with me, GET TO WORK." "He's harassing me." "You harassed me first. It's not harassment if you do it in self-defense." "You can have the benefit of my middle finger." "It's the progression of the climb of the rocket." (T) "Oh my GOOODDDD JUST SAY IT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING" "Fine. The speed." (T) "ExACTLY." "Oh look a firetruck's outside." "Whee whoo whee whoo- oh my god you're serious. Oh god it's (crappy fire department) jesus christ." "I think we need to potty train our classmates again." "AGAIN???" "Well, yeah. They're supposed to be." "'Supposed to' and 'are' are two different things." "Mr. **** can I put mascara on you?" (T) "No." "Whyyyyy?" (T) "Do I look like a Barbie doll?" (T) "Mascara girl is the one who's talking." "You act like I don't have a name!!!" "Do you?" "What the hell are you doing?" "It makes your eyelashes look nicer." "Yeah; easy, breezy, beautiful: Covergirl. Get with the program." "James Charles is QUAKING." "Sister shook." "Give me my paper." "Bitch I'm gluing my fingers together, I didn't fucking take it." "Do you have a charger?" "No, but I have a notebook full of English notes." "I don't have any round characters, all of mine are gay and sad."

BONUS 2: BIRTHDAY

"I'm sorry I don't have anything for you for your birthday all I have is Reese's and duct tape." "Wait it's your birthday??? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO-" "NO STOP SHE DOESN'T WANT THAT" "Thank you." "You're welcome." (T) "Pay attention my dudes." *collective groaning from entire class* "*asking for tampons*" (T) "*holding a marker* I can throw another red one at you." "I don't get it. *sudden realization*" (T) "***** pick your jaw up off the floor, I was joking." "I'm tired of the word 'domain'." "Oh yeahhhh me too, cause we hear it a lot in physics now." "Domain, domain, domain; I hate it." "I'm in a domain of hating myself." "I'm joking, I love you." "I'm not joking, but I love you too anyways." "**** don't lose your Crocs again." (T) "Get that earbud out of your ear." "No, this is keeping me sane." "Why is my name 'desire'??? I put it as 'pee pee poo poo'!"

NORMAL SCHOOL

"I've finally done a fraction! I flipped it over, turned it around, smacked its ass and had it call me daddy." "PARDON???" "What?" (in Physics talking about electricity) "Ok positive top, negative bottom-" "ME?" "He said you can't learn if you burn but you do learn. You learn fire is hot. Also the sensation of being burned alive as you are consumed by flames." "*shows Thanos smut* Spoilers for Endgame that no one asked for." "Legend has it that if you work at the Dairy Dome, you get free tickets to Domegame." Have a marvelous Monday, a Terrific Tuesday, a Wonderful Wednesday, a...Thesis Thursday. I couldn't think of anything." "You look like a frog." (T) "And you look like a squid." "Someone today said I looked like a drug dealer magician. Would you like *sweeps off hat* MARIJUANA??? Or...*pretends to pull something out of hat* COKE??? Perhaps some *flourishes* *whispers* acid???" "I'm gonna Detroit Smash him to hell." "LGBT, let's get this bread." "My hero academia as in Aizawa can shove my ass up his head- wait hold on" "*talking about Ariel* She's hot but that doesn't excuse the fact that she put her entire species in jeopardy for some dick." (T) "Does anyone not have medicine in their bag that ******* cannot have while I look down at the floor because I dropped my pen?" (T) "*reaches for paper*" "Ah ah **** no swipin'." *in science class* "Nothing's happening but I saw that bitch SPARK and I'm terrified." "I'm basically teacher today, your assignment is to do nothing. YOU get an A." "SHUT UP MOTHERFUCKER I'LL EAT YOUR ANUS THEY DON'T CALL ME RECTUMUS PRIME FOR NOTHING" "EXCUSE ME" "What was the word again?" "David Hasselhoff?" "What, no???" "This is why you shouldn't scratch yourself, here." "*instantly shoves necklace in mouth*" "I wouldn't use that as a chew fidget, I got it off the ground in Louisiana." "*chews even more aggressively*" (T) "Don't mess with me I will throw something at you, I played softball for 14 years." "Really???" (T) "Yeah. I was the captain biatch." "James Charles looks like the dragon from Shrek." "***'s touching my wenis." "Gay fantasies don't really matter." "Yeah, I mean, did you see the way that Tony and Cap looked at each other in Endgame?" "When he was, a young boy, his father, took him to the dark lord, to kill the principalofawizardachool" "He said son when, you grow up, will you b-" "HE SAID WILL YOU, GETSHANKEDINABATHROOM-" "Watch out: I have peanut butter and a knife!" (T) "All you need is at least a 60% to pass the test-" "BOI I GET 40S AND 30S IN YOUR CLASS AND YOU KNOW IT" (T) "So you used to go to (other school name)?" "Yeah. But people growling and barking at me was a little much." (T) "Were they furries?" "Dude, tornadoes in Kansas are no joke." "But you go to Oz." "THERE AIN'T NO YELLOW BRICK ROAD AFTER A TORNADO" "Uh, yeah! Yellow brick road to HEAVEN." "Toto isn't god” "You awakened something you didn't want to awaken." "Is it god??? Is it Totoro? Remember to pay your taxes or Hong Kong will come eat you." "Today's weather is cloudy with a chance of rectal prolapse." (T) "Who's at the door?" "It's ***." (T) "Who's ***?" "***. Your student." (T) "*opens door* Who are you?" "I'm nobody." "Who is commander in chief of the military? My p e n i s" "Are those grandma shoes??? Can I e a t them???" "She sounds like a fetus screaming for extra guac at Chik-Fil-A." "WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN" "*singing the Boku No Pico theme off-key in a loli voice*" "I will hit you." "I'd feel bad for you but you have a 69% and that causes you to get a D and I can't look that over." "Do you ever wonder where babies come from? Cause I don't. All you have to do is pee into a lady's Digornio." "rePEAT THAT??" "Don't forget to degrade your dog." "Imagine a world: where you have 2 fetuses hanging from your eyebrow."

BONUS 3: GIANT, END-OF-THE-YEAR CIVICS TEST

"Why the fuck is Christmas a national holiday???" (T) "Ok, the president during WWII was...Roose-" "-A PARKS" (T) "Are you even paying attention?" (T) "What happened on September 11th, 2001?" "9/11!" (T) "We're gonna need you to be a little more specific, buddy." (T) "What's a state that borders Canada?" "I deadass was about to say Arizona, I need sleep." "WHAT is your name?" "*****." "WHAT is your quest?" "To clap the best pussy out there." "*through laughter* What is your favorite color?" "The color of the next pussy I'm gonna crunch." "I got a Voltage from the ROTC room, and I dropped it and someone said 'OOH', picked it up and yeeted with it." "WHAT THE FUCK I'D SHIT ON THEIR HOUSE" "Can we play a song after our presentation?" (T) "As long as it's not like 20 minutes like an Allman Brothers song." "Huh?" (T) "You know how when you have an acid trip, people tell you to listen to the Allman Brothers?" "..." (T) "I'm old." (T) "If this eye starts drooping, there was something in the brownie." (T) "*teaching us Piccolo Mini*" "You just made me feel dyslexic." "YOU GUYS WANNA KNOW THE TEA??? I'M THE REAL HOE" *applause from class* "BITCH WE BEEN KNEW" "*unintelligible*" (T) "What?" "*still unintelligible*" (T) "I still didn't hear you." "You talk like your handwriting." "I WILL THROW THIS CROC AT YOU" "I will literally pay a dollar for one." "I will literally eat these." "Petunia is not a phone." "Electronic device, then." "She's not an electronic device, I gave birth to her." (T) "**** that's the whitest you've ever sounded." "My dingaling is messed up." "Mine too." (T) "Ok so say you wanted aides-" "I DON'T WANT AIDS WHAT THE HELL" (T) "IN THE CLASSROOM. CLASSROOM AIDES. HELPERS. "Can we talk while doing this?" (T) "No, this isn't Burger King." "What is your obsession with Burger King????" "HE'S SPRAYING IT DOWN. HE'S SPRAYING IT DOWN. HE'S PUTTING THE WHITE NECTAR ON THE RAMEN SINK" "Have you ever seen a 14 year old looking badass?" "Have you ever seen a beaver chomping down on a carrot? Cause I wanna see that." "I don't wanna go to Papa Louie's Arcade, Papa Louie can pop a cap in your ass." "Micheal does a Thanos Snap in season 14." "Cas, I don't feel so good." "NO" "Your Crocs are in sport mode." "My cock is hard." "THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID" "It's ok lil diglett I'm gonna evolve you." (T) "Stop it." "I'm gonna evolve you it's fine, you're weak but you're gonna get better. *throws stress ball at teacher*" (T) "******* looks like Ted Bundy" (T) "He's falling asleep. Hey, ****, are you sad you can't have an abortion?" "What???" (T) "If you don't like high school relationships, who's that guy you keep making out with in the hallway?" "*pointing at random places on the map in the civics classroom, threatening to deport each other to random places*" "You're jiggling my titties." "*half the class is singing I Write Sins Not Tragedies*" "I love you!" "Shut it, I'm doing a presentation." "I love you!!" "Stop." "I love you!!!" "God damnit, *******, I'm gonna hit you." (T) "If you drop any f-bombs during the presentation, I'm gonna kill you." "Bottom, take the apple." "I'm not black, I'm O.J." "Balls. That was the word." "HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET 'BALLS' FROM 'THE BUCKS ARE WINNING THE FINALS'??" "Who's this? Tom? No I don't wanna streak with you. Stranger danger." "Why is it called Field Day if it's only 2 periods?" (AP) "I- That's actually a good question." "ALRIGHT THIS IS WHAT WE NEED TO DO-" "*gets literally kissing distance from him* *salutes* Yes sir?" "We're playing cornhole." "Stop laughing, how is cornhole inappropriate?" "Mr. **** this is the type of yardstick that could take your kneecaps. Do you want me to take yours?" (T) "I'd like to see you try." "Is that Ratatouille?" "Ratatouille isn't the rat. That's Remy, you insolent fuck." "I'm gonna call you the 'G' word." "What's the 'G' word?" "Jew." "That's…porny." "...send it to me." "Where you going?" "To hell." "WHY" "*shrugs* Seems fun." "You see, this is why I need to work with you. I'm your insurance."

BONUS 4: FIELD DAY

(T) "Are you part 1 or part 2?" "Uh…" (T) "Top line or bottom line?" "Bottom- no, top- uhhhhh…" "He looks like a top." "I still don't understand why we fucking dropped Bohemian Rhapsody for a song from fucking T W I L I G H T." (T) "*throws a marker at the Assistant Principal*" *various cheers and "OHHHHHH"s from the class* (AP) "Are you actually serious." Not a quote but in the 2nd to last week of school, we spent almost the entirety of 4th period Algebra (including the teacher — he started it) throwing dry-erase markers at each other and didn't even stop when the AP (seen above) came in. (T) "*walks through the middle of the room*" "FIRE" *8 people pelt markers at him* "Wait you guys realize he's gonna throw all of those back, right?" "I have a D I'm hanging on the edge my dudes." "I did a math? I did a math!!!" "You did meth?" "YES!!!" "*gets head shoved out of window* OW! FUCK, ****** MY TIT" "You exude strong Kenny energy." "Why?" "Cause you die a lot? Cause your heart was replaced with a baked potato? Cause your family's poor?" "*laughing so hard we can't breathe*" "*leaves the cafeteria to calm down from laughing too hard*" "I'm having elementary school flashbacks." "Shut your social justice warrior ass up." "You ok?" "I stabbed myself." "Sorry, only girls get it. Also, this is my last customer today." "Hold on, if it's only girls, why does HE get it?" "Hi." "OH SHIT YOU'RE A GIRL MY BAD"

NORMAL SCHOOL

“Did I just witness a drug deal?” "Why do you look like a dad?" "I need some weed in my system again, I'm fucking drained." "There's a fucking big-ass run in my tights — I'm gonna eat my own ass and then some." "Hi I'm ***** and Mr. **** can suck my 13 inch dong. My Long John Silver." "This ignorant pickle of a person can die." "This cashew of a long dong. Cashews look like telephones." "A shirt says Mr. **** can suck my magnum horse, my stallion." "His mom should've fucking swallowed." "Spit his ass in a Dixie cup." "I will tattoo my eyes shut." "I'm talking about this mongoose man that's called Mr. ****." "Can you speak some Spanish?" "Hola, como estas, sugma." "Sugma?" "Suck my fuckin' balls lmao" "It's your sugar daddy. *shows picture of Andrew Jackson*" "It's Mr. **** as a woman." "That's fucking Christopher Columbus." "*howling laughter*" "I was just thinking 'have it stop raining so that I don't have to walk in it', but then I remembered I have work today so it should keep pouring. The more the sky cries, the less I cry. Unless I'm on drive." "Excuse me sir, *raises leg* my penis has fallen off." "I pray you get AIDS." (T) "Please throw away your sheet music, it's illegal to copy sheet music and I don't wanna go to jail." "*loud smack* I am so sorry, I didn't mean it to be that loud! Come here baby boy, let me give you the sweet taste of my mother milk." "It's not mother anymore, it's daddy now." "Dude what if you were born with a set of words that if said, would implode your testicles." "Bomb go boom, Mormons go extinct." "MR. **** YOU TOOK OUR NOODS" "DON'T TAKE THE NOODS" "NOT THE NOODS!!!" "****, I thought you were Catholic." "The pencil's black." "Like my ass-cheeks." "Someone stole it!!!!" "Like ****'s virginity."

BONUS 5: WATCHING INSIDIOUS (FOR SOME FUCKING REASON)

*kid falls off ladder* *various banshee screeches from students* "They're kissing AGAIN. This movie is NOT appropriate." "I'm hearding weeeesssst~ I don't know what to dooooo~ " That's not how you make a superpowered baby. You kill the mother and put her on the ceiling." "Wait, pause. What the hell?" "F.B.I, open up." "IT'S DALTON." "PUT A CHAIR ON THE DAMN DOOR" "HOW WOULD A CHAIR WORK AGAINST THE DEMON" "He's in a deep sleep. Wake him up with true love's kiss." "It's a pedo-demon! Everyone run!" "He's cheating on her." "What if this was linked to Supernatural?" "Ooh she's echoing now." "My legs are shaking bruh." "Is that blood on the window?" "No, it's a tree." "SMACK THE CHILD"

NORMAL SCHOOL

"I figured out why I'm so quiet today." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, *shows trembling hands* I'm on vibrate." "I can't wait to go to church."

BONUS 6: LAST DAY OF SCHOOL

"The first thing I ate when I came to this country, it was in the airport and it was Doritos." (T) "They gave me the shortest teachers' gown they had. I have a baby gown." "That isn't a happy little bush." "IT'S. TREE." "Hello ladies, *winks* *blows kiss*" "I'm GAY." *I Will Survive playing really loudly* "******* you're not in our friend group so get the FUCK OUT." "Now I can swear! FUCK Y'ALL BITCHES I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR KNEECAPS" "Oh shit it's an end of the year fight!" Four kids got into a fight at the same time and one got tazed."

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merlinthoughts · 5 years

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Season 1 Episode 5 - Lancelot<3

- YES BBG’s IT'S MY BOY LANCE

- he’s one of my fav characters u guys don't even KNOW

- like yah okay, i've only seen hiM FOR ONE EPISODE

- but he’s the light of my life

- and he may not even come back but he looks like a character that would come back especially if the fucking ep is named after him

- oh damn, i sure hope he does

- and goes into arthurs posse of knights or whatever, replacing val

- or what valerie was gonna be

- idek, lets get to it bc i could go on for days just picturing lance as a main character while continuously expressing my love for him

- BUT NOTHING ELSE OBVIOUSLY BC THIS IS NOW A CATHOLIC WEBSITE

- tumblrs trynna urge me to go with them nasty thoughts

- you wish tumblr

- you WISH you can ban me

- u can't live without sucking dick >:(

- wow slow down shev... wow okay sorry. christianism. i forgot

- it got the best of me

- back to the episode!

- omg it's buckbeak why he making a cameo in merlin??

- my inner potterhead(uwu) is coming out i hate this

- bet you can't guess which house i'm in ;)

- it's fucking slytherin, it's literally so obvious

- hissshiss motherfuckers

- ew guys

- this is so hard to type considering my fucking ‘-’ button (called a dash for u furries who only see a face) is broken and i have to literally smash it to make it work, so i'm just insanely typing up the next dash by screaming at my keyboard that i can't fucking fix

- and i have so many dasHES TO DO!

- that made no sense bc yall aren't living in my socks at the moment

- BUT I'M DYING IT'S SO HARD TO JUST GET IT TO PRESS

- fuck it copy paste, my best friend, you always come when the time is needed

- LANCELOT LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL

- lowkey looked like that guy from the 100 though

- but better

- nothing against baloney of course

- lancelot literally just introduced himself, the camera panned in onto his chest, then he proceeded to faint or some shit with the camera still zoomed on his chest, and merlin reached up to grab his shirt, probably to yank it the fuck off and the opening credits rolled up. wtf was that scene.

- WAIT I REWINDED IT

- it's not supposed to be a zoom in of his chest lmao, my hoe ass thought we had a little fanservice for a second, but there's a big mushroom-looking blood stain on his shirt which i guess is supposed to mean he's fucking dead so it's not all that confusing anymore

- when was he stabbed tho?

- whatever. shit always goes down in BBC that's often unexplainable.

- “it had claws, wings…” arthur stops his sentence melodramatically while uther looks terrified. “and.. what?” WHAT UTHER?? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?? YOU THINK ARTHURS GONNA BE LIKE “FANGS, STEVE BUSCEMI'S EYEBALLS, DANNY DEVITO’S HAIRLINE, TALKS LIKE JOHN MULANEY?? I JUST TOLD YOU WHAT I SAW, NOT WHAT I IMAGINED. FATHER”

- but no… livestock apparently

- that’s what uthers shocked by

- not that theres a fucking griffin living in his world

- wait theres magic, means theres magic creatures doy

- but still, even if we all had magic here, i think it would be a little shocking seeing a griffin come for buckingham palace randomly

- or i guess if youre reading this and are in america, in the white house

- oh and it took only people apparently

- i guess that’s a little more severe but i stand uncorrected

- they be having a wild time in the hippogriff’s house ;)

- honestly sounds like a fucked up hogawart house

- here we have slytherin, hufflepuff, ravenclaw and... *looks at smudged writing on hand* hippogriff

- okay, who tf has a dream of coming to camelot when it's the most feared place, with banned magic and an asshole king with his hot bitchy son and a sorcerer who just brings chaos to the land

- well i mean, me

- bc of the hot bitchy son but whatever

- camelot? more like cameNOT

- arthur calls himself the ultimate killing machine like the edge lord he is

- ARTHUR FUCKING KO’D THE BITCH

- knee to the nose and all wtf man

- this is probably foreshadowing smth with the “only noble blood can swoosh like a knight” thing, like somethings gonna happen and poor people are gonna revolt and uthers gonna be like “GEEZ fine, okay, no nobles can become a knight”

- merlins such a shit stirer, telling lance he can be a knight and telling him arthur would love him when we really know whats gonna happen bc of that rule

- and here’s gaius like uhh u liar wtf, crushing lance’s dreams while merlins just like wtf gaius, live in the moment, we can do anything, this is OUR show

- literally their such good friends and have known each other for a solid 10 minutes only

- i'm not that big into beards but id love to rub my face on lance’s

- HOMEWORK IS MERLIN’S EXCUSE, MERLIN UR LIKE 20 IN A WORLD PROB WITHOUT HOMEWORK

- haha little fault there, or like a minor inconvenience which isn’t important but i like to pretend to be smart: middle ages or well the show’s era was more in “AD” (476-ish is the start of middle ages, while the arthurian legend is supposed to happen in the 5/6th century so yeah, technically 400/500 AD), and homework supposedly only started up in 1095 so BOOM BBC GOTCHA

- no, merlin’s not gonna perform magic right in front of the librarian

- does he not know the wrath of librarians???

- our librarian at school literally kicked everyone out of the library once for the whole semester because there was an apple core on the bookshelf. this was during exam week. do u know how much i wanted to kill the person who didn't admit to their mistakes and let everyone suffer. WE COULDN'T ENTER TO EVEN STUDY

- OH GOD, HE'S DOING IT MERLIN IS A FUCKING MESS

- gwen and lancelot are my favourite thing, i literally want them to be together by the next episode

- or the next one with lance

- WAIT LANCELOT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A MAIN CHARACTER ISN'T HE BC I KNOW VAGUELY THE ARTHURIAN LEGEND AND LANCELOT WAS A KNIGHT WASN'T HE???? HE WAS A FUCKING KNIGHT AND ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT NEXT TO LIKE IDK BEDEVERE OR SMTH THIS IS AMAZING NEWS GUYS I LITERALLY COULD BE A DETECTIVE

- !!!! the only heto ship on this show i actually adore !!!!!!

- i mean i only love two things: merthur and glance

- idek what gwen and lance’s ship name is so its now glance

- merlin would be the best wingman for them by being gwens bestie

- “you can start by cleaning out the stables” *lance looks to merlin while merlin gives him the biggest smile and thumbs up* this fuckING DORK

- harry potter au where everything is the same but that grim reaper looking human creature in the prisoner of azkaban executing buckbeak is actually lancelot in the future

- for symbolism purpose, not saying lance is like an animal killer but yknow

- same thing with the griffin yknow

- the two prettiest dudes in my world fighting against one another while sweat is glistening down their forheads is my new favourite aesthetic

- BUCKBEAK HAS COME

- oh wait no, people having been attacked by buckbeak have come

- netflix fucked up by subbing arthur as “orther” and i never laughed so hard

- don’t make me fucking laugh when there’s an ambush, netflix, this is not christian

- annd arthur’s pride is gone, and he goes up to chop lance’s fucking head off

- OH SHIT THAT TRANSITION THOUGH

- i'm so proud of my bb like genuinely so proud, lance deserves so much and here is is!! a knight!!

- MORGANA APPEARS THE LOML

- the three lomls in one room?? seriously bbc?? you really doing that to me?? for once im actually impressed and happy

- he's gonna get caught, i mean i KNOW that, but like it's still stressing out

- ewewewewewewewewewew

- arthur called morgana “isn't she so beautiful??” with a lovey dovey face pls don't lead this to that stepsibling porn bullshit i'm going to fucking puke

- i hated that shadowhunter bullshit like they seriously going to hit me with the indirect incest?? i was so done. i hated jace and clary, idc if theyre like the most popular couple, like wheres my raphael lovers at bc that's a boy i can enjoy

- “so if you could choose one... lance or arthur?” merlin subtly asks gwen like he doesn't have an answer himself

- it would have been so perfect geez, gwen and lance, merlin and arthur, myself and morgana

- i really wanna know what lance, merlin and arthur look like drunk bc that's a hell of a hangover they got the next morning and they probably cut out most of the soiree so like what did they do?? was there any drunk dancing and flirting??? bc i literally want to see that happen

- ik it's a bad thing but those drunk tropes where someone confesses their love to the person they like while under the influence is my favourite thing bc it's both hilarious, genuine and the other person often helps them to their feet and gets them to a safer place to rest and that's fricken adorable guys!

- not the drinking obviously, thats like a thing you can enjoy if you want but ya girl does not like drinking. or, well, she likes drinking with a limit. you can tell who likes to be the designated driver lmao. people here be drinking flat out whiskey and i tried it once and it burned by fucking throat

- merlin fucked up

- and this is technically his fault

- THEY GOT CAUGHT LMAO IT IS HIS FAULT

- hungover and caught this won't bode well

- “not worthy of a knighthood”

- hey so how do you retract a knighthood?

- do you like reverse the shoulder tapping

- like if you're christian, bc you know, we, as a christian group on this tumblr site, should already know about it... but when we do that cross thing on our shoulders, it means like a direct call with god or some shit. and if we do it the opposite direction it's considered the antichrist so is it the same for knighthood?

- OMG I JUST HAD AN EPIPHANy

- okay with christianity it's tapping the head the stomach, shoulder then shoulder, right? but the reverse is the anti cross like shoulder to shoulder, stomach and head. but… what if it were tapping the stomach, crotch, hip to hip? it would make sense right??? since the cross is upside down… it would lead to the dick and not the head. THAT'S WHY IT'S AN UPSIDE DOWN CROSS. BC YOU AINT SUPPOSED TO GRAB THEM BALLS UNTIL MARRIAGE!!! I SEE OMG I SEE YOU JESUS, TRYNNA HIDE UR FLOURISHING SEXUALITY

- omg guys, don't grab ur fucking balls in this blog post, it's considered the antichrist

- “you never will be” lmao he's gonna come back, he's lancelot, that's a main in the og legend

- how pissed will lance be with merlin

- i hope big time bc like... angry lance *dries off sweat with hands*

- aw damn lance isn't mad he's like “this is my punishment. mine to bare, mine to bare alone. stop blaming urself. i put this on me” this fucking goof is making me swoon once fucking more

- NOW BUCKBEAKS BACK

- he's a real goat x3

- buckbeak can literally fuck shit up in the air, camelot has nothing on him

- ARTHURS FUCKING DEAD LMAO

- oh wait he aint, just a few of his knights

- imagine being an extra and playing as one of those knights. having to fight next to bradley james, and have him look at you when someones doing something stupid like you can mentally agree with him and then pretend to die on camera. that would be my dream. make-a-wish better do me some good when i get diseased that will prob be named after me

- hoephagus

- stupidolis

- nah thats stupid

- ;)

- i now understand mulans will to pretend to be a guy and join the army bc i would literally do that if i could stay with arthur fucking pendragon

- aw it's called a griffin not a hippogriff

- i'm saddened

- harry potter has taught me WRONG

- this looks to be the climax where merlins like “fine guys, geez, i'll kill the griffin bc i'm magic!! wow!!! but arthur obviously knew, and i thought gwen was gonna know but she shocked me even more when she didn’t like fucking hell everyones oblivious. but since you can only kill buckbeak with magic, sigh, i'm exposing myself ig” even if it's like halfway through season 1 with 5 seasons altogether, this looks to be the right time

- this really sounds to be what we are waiting for, what kilgarah said about the destiny merlin will have

- WAIT WE HAVEN'T SEE THAT BITCH IN A WHILE

- wheres the dickwad gone lmao like was the actor busy the last few episodes or what?

- OMG ARHTURS BREAKING LANCE OUT OF PRISON SO HE CAN BE A KNIGHT

- how is the “arthurs pretty gay” theory not popped up more times on here

- like we all know merthurs pretty great and all

- but CANON wise arthur seems super gay to me

- like he just told lance to get up his ass because “i need… uhh... camelot needs” like he was just about to say he needs lance in his life

- have you not seen the glances??

- fucking hell

- arthur slowly comes closer to lance pretending to talk about what he knows about the creature

- lance also coming closer to ask if he truly believes that, with a raised eyebrow

- thought this shit was only in books and fanfics

- but no guys, we got a gay eyebrow raise

- bc we all know only the gays are capable of eyebrow raises

- fucking hell this is gay i cant even explain it

- like its subtly gay, but out of context youd think this is something out of a fansite

- and merlins not even in this scene

- “take the horse and never return to this place” OKAY NO FIRST OF ALL SECOND OF ALL FUCK OFF LMAO THIS ISNT GAY ANYMORE

- i mean he’s doing it out of the goodness of his heart, saving him from prison and all but lance wants to like… be a good man and you aint letting him do that

- OMG LANCE IS SAYING GOODBYE TO GWEN

- LANCE BETTER FUCKING KISS HER

- I LOVE GWEN AND LANCE TOGETHER #STAN

- fucking kiss you fucking bafoon

- THEY DIDN'T FUCKING KISS WTFUCKINGFUCK

- merlin looks so dumb holding his dagger as if he doesn’t know what to do with it but i love that for me

- WAIT I THOUGHT LANCELOT WAS LITERALLY GONNA GO YEET OUT OF CAMELOT NOT TO FUCKING SACRIFICE HIMSELF AND FIGHT THE GRIFFIN

- bafoons, all of them

- big bouncing bucking bafoons

- arthur looks so scared i've never been so in love and want to PROTECT

- omg for all merlin and lance know, that scream was arthur fucking dying- OMG IT WAS ARTHUR

- HE'S FUCKAN DEAD

- nvm he's alive but like yall not think to check for some arterial wounds bc he could be alive now, but in 5 mins he could legit not make it

- slow music means death

- lancelot you were the best husband i've ever had, rip

- i would be crying more if i didn’t know what happened, but since i already spoiled myself on the first season by watching this about a year ago, i'm not that sad but its still getting to me slightly

- hahahaha so happy everyones okayyy

- ARTHUR AND LANCE TiME!

- arthur looks so happy for lance literally crack ship right there

- why does nobody talk about this wyd

- and here’s arthur defending lance’s honour

- but uthers being a bitch

- omg that transition from lance being told to wait outside, the camera following him out of the room and the doors slamming behind him just in time to hear uther yell at arthur from next door is what gives me chills

- uther better fucking accept lance

- “the law is the law” yeah but the law also says to stop being a stuck-up bitch, uther

- literally lance is the only fucking person to not see through merlins blatant magic tricks

- like he saw that shit, called it out and was not like “oh what its a trick of the wind, surely”

- and he's not fazed at all, u see merlin it aint that bad to tell some people

- the only thing he is worrying about is the credit he says he doesn’t deserve bc merlin killed the griffin and not him

- see how fucking great my husband is, guys

- he better not be like “sucks to suck, i lied again! it aint me, chief” to uther and arthur

- NAH OKAY HE’S JUST BIDDING HIS FAREWELL IM GONNA FUCKING CRY IN THE CLUB

- he better fucking come back soon >:(

- seasonal guest star at least

- main characters, big bonus

- we barely saw morgana this episode and i'm not okay with that, but at the same time it was more lance-centric so i'm aight actually. we got all the time in the world for my baby girl, but lance :’( good luck man

- literally everyone is so gay for lance

- gwens into him for sure, and i love that the most (guess thats not gay but whatever, beggars can't be choosers)

- arthur has a little crush ngl

- and merlins full out in love with him

- not to mention MY FUCKING SELF

- i mean, i won't deny that he’s literally perfect in every way and i've only known him for one episode, but i agree whole heatedly with these crushes

- “till next time, sir lancelot” merlin whispers with a smile

- yeah that's me right there

- BC I'LL BE SEEING HIM IN THE FINAL EPISODE OF THIS SEASON!

- greeting us all with the news on being cast full-time for the show, being the best guard around and a lover boy to all

- guys i feel like i'm on aphrodisiacs but instead of desire for sex, it's love for lancelot

- send help

#this is a long one yall #maybe bc i found a new crush but yknow #merlin #merlin bbc #merthur #s1 #s1ep5

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anxious-band-pan · 4 years

Text

A list of random crackheadery from high school cause I low key miss it

“I’m gonna yeet myself into the afterlife”

“I’m gonna rotisserie cook your future children and eat them”

“KARMA’S A B*TCH!” Yelled while playing a game of uno in homeroom very loudly

a kid walked around our lunchroom with a fake blue bird pinned in his hair which was life size and honestly the weirdest part of lunch

“What should i put on my shirt for (x club)? It’s between uwu, Space Boi uwu, and rawr XD. My goal is to be as cringey as possible.”

*crying* “Well you just threw off my groove and i-“

(To the tune of G-6) “I’m a dumb bish, I’m a dumb bish”

“(X name)! How far would you have been if i didn’t stop you to tell you you’re a thot”. “Probably yeeted off a bridge by now”

“He just looks like a sad pigeon with a boss hat”

(To the tune of celebrate good times) “end my suffering, come on!”

“My hands are white!” “YOU’RE WHITE!”

“I’m a firm believer in don’t judge something unless you try it, unless it’s illegal or drugs; don’t do drugs kids”

“.....but not all dogs can fit on skateboards!”

“Can we just cut my legs off and sell them”

“Invade my body, daddy bacteria”

“That’s what I imagine it would sound like if a spider ran in tap shoes”

“My church had an average attendance of 421 this year, we were so freaking close”

“Did you know that Waluigi has the same number of syllables as hallelujah, so if you think of any song with hallelujah in it you can replace it with Waluigi and it’ll fit”

“Anyone wanna feel my swollen gland”

“Your gay is like your mother’s tendency to sleep with men: plentiful”

“If being gay is a sin is satan the gay fairy”

“Vines are like actual vines: you get stuck and you never get out” “vines can choke you though” “Yes choke me daddy vine”

“You are each gonna have a burger component on your back” “I wanna be the meat ;)”

“Grab me however you want daddy hamburger”

*showing a paper with a picture of a bottom bun* “I guess you could say I’m a.... bottom”

“STOP EATING THE DUCT TAPE!”

“Shut up, don’t talk about my potatoes like that”

“Can you snort tide pods”

*whisper screaming and hitting a chair* “WHY IS COTTON EYED JOE BACK”

“But if two furries screw, is god cool with that?”

“PHD- pretty high dolphins”

“Do crocs have memory foam? i think not”

“I’ve run out of creative ways to whip”

“This is why we shouldn’t legalize weed, because we’re having this conversation sober”

“Don’t you just get sad every time a chair dies”

“Praise our lord and savior, Magic Mike”

“I’ll give you fifty bucks if you can guess what’s in my thermos.” “Coffee.” “No. It’s chicken noodle soup”

“I’m gonna eat your fingernails” “did you say EAT” “yeah, I’m gonna chew his fingernails off”

“I already went back to Mexico”

“You’re the BFG” “How so” “Big Frickin Gay”

“But since you’re gay, would you date me if i was” “the only way I’d date you is if you were an online catfish”

“We have a speaker with fake arms today” “he cant bring those in the school those are weapons” “how is he gonna throw them?” “With his feet”

“did you say the THOT police?” “no you idiot the THOUGHT police”

“I’m not scared of Russia. Like honestly i can beat them”

“I share a brian with satan and it smells shirty” (not a typo. Those exact words. I think it was making fun of a typo)

“I look like I’m about to go repaint all my mugs with lead paint”

“And today on the game show of sentences i never thought I’d have to say: it’s not a necklace if you buy it in the pet aisle of walmart”

“You look like the kind of person who would cut spaghetti with dull scissors”

“Hey, hey, hey, not in my f***ing Christian Minecraft server”

“We’re all going to hell” “Not me” “listen we’re in a school we’re already there” “True”

*to the tune of “what is love? Baby don’t hurt me”* “POKÉMON! BABY DON’T HURT ME, DON’T HURT ME, NO MORE”

“YO! PITBULL JUST CAME IN AND OFFERED DONUTS!”

“I’m gonna suck your eyeballs”

“Are we not allowed to have our nails painted since we’re guys” -a definite female, to another definite female

“Ok, so here’s the deal: straight people are uncooked spaghetti. Gay people are cooked rotini. I’m kinda like a cooked spaghetti. I’m not straight, I’m in between.” “The Italian is now interested I’m here what’s up with pasta”

“This song reminds me of Mexican food” “How does this remind you of Mexican food it’s jazz?”

“You’re not allowed to switch schools, I need my twin cop”

“You guys are the reason I wanna die” “you guys are the reason I drink”

*taking a huge drink of peanut butter hot chocolate* “I’m allergic to peanut butter” “THEN WHY DID YOU DRINK IT????” “Because i wanna die”

“so there’s two kinds of country hicks: the yee haws and the haw yees. Now the yee haws are the ones in country songs, they’re vaguely normal and drink and do horse riding stuff. The haw yees are the ones who fish with their hands and then f*** their cousins afterwards”

“Pop is just spicy water”

“I’m sorry, it’s not pizza Steve anymore” “Who is it” “the fresh prince of bel air”

A kid took his phone out of the microwave like that was a normal thing that humans do

“BUT IS HE DATING THE DEER?!”

“Chinese people eat cats, why not lesbians?” *teacher looks up* “saying Chinese people eat cats is too far”

“A gryffindor and a ravenclaw ooh this is good”

Two girls at the exact same time: *Gasp* TEA!

*girl leans back and cracks her head on a counter kind of thing* a friend:”that’s the third f***ing time!”

“SUCK MY WEENIS!”

“If you ever need a professional con artist I’m here” *teacher looks up* “you didn’t hear that” teacher:”hear what”

“Guys I’m stupid. You know when there’s a big number and then a lil number what’s the lil one called” “exponent?” “Yeah!”

*impersonating yoda screaming*

*chugging coffee* “well, I’m still just as tired, but now my atoms are just jazzed.”

“Not to quote Frozen, but you can’t marry a man you just met!”

“Not knowing what kind of exorcise people are talking about is always interesting, because I don’t know if we’re talking about working out or satan”

“If we actually die in the scene where they kill themselves, do we get bonus?” Teacher: *sighs* “sure.”

“Physically you have hair but spiritually you’re bald.”

*Singing boyfriend by BTR for about an hour straight*

“Stop saying teehee you sound like off brand Michael Jackson”

“He smells dead mice for a living!”

*kicking someone’s foot off a ledge* “long live the king!”

*holding a banana like a weapon* “give me all your debt!”

“I want my fingers to be four inches long”

“Let me read your head for a second”

“Oh no you’re white out now”

“This is what happens when your insides are cold”

“Did you just call me a dumb banana?”

“So Kelvin is Fahrenheit...”

“Let me add another fat roll to your arm”

“You wanna see a cute pic of my baby nephew?” “Sure but I might cry”

“Listen I need these pictures to load so I can see if my goats are being little crackheads”

“I keep trying to see if you’re a VSCO girl but you’re holding out on us”

“Pumpkin. Spice. Bleach.”

“I’m already a mother and I don’t like it.”

“This is a vegan cult, Jessica”

“Did you just say you started a religion?” “Yeah, I think I’ll call it the Fedoras”

“Isn’t a fedora just like... a cowboy hat but formal”

“Yes choke me daddy panic”

“I’m your emotional support crackhead deal with it”

“She got possessed by country satan”

“If you think about it toes are just little feet”

“Oh my god imagine if you pronounced Roosevelt like goose”

“Roosevelt got really sad when i broke up with him.”

“I love how I just classified reaper as its own state of being”

“So Santa’s not a cryptid”

“We’re not meat creatures like crabs”

“Do you want to be a famous writing?”

“Self care is becoming a breaded chicken tender on the weekends”

“You are a little yellow boy”

“I gotta look up how to have a stroke”

“At least you still have straight privilege”

“You piece of b*tch”

“Children having skulls is scary”

“You wanna crochet my friend a rat”

“If you kill yourself and you have a life insurance policy that your family then collects, is that insurance fraud?”

“Spaghetti man is talking about pregnancy and I’m scared”

“You’re the cutest trash I’ve ever seen”

“Poetry? Lame. DriversEd? Lame. Dousing myself in butter and becoming a dinner roll? F*ckin’ MINT”

“Finally, an invention to get rid of me” *zooms in on words garbage disposal*

“Is Swiper from Dora a furry or an actual fox?”

“I’m laughing because I just realized the word identity has t*tty in it”

“Oh my god I thought Paris was a country”

“Girl if you are having a baby this month the only thing you are birthing is FLAT Stanley”

“My eyes really said gardening”

“I snorted soapy water this morning”

“Intestines: do you really need them or are they a social construct?”

“I watched the first episode of that show illegally, and it was great”

“How much does a hit man cost in this economy?”

“Is santa wearing stripper heels?”

“No, I didn’t give birth to a baby cow”

“I am a whole grape not a raisin”

“I’ve decided on my career. I’m becoming a hit man for cheap”

“And you fought the tomato”

“You can be gay with the homeless”

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