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knockyasocksoff2022 · 3 months

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IDEALS [kunikidazai]

Ideal No. 6

(738 words)

Getting to the office early isn’t a problem because of my insomnia. It’s so simple, instead of lying in bed for hours I slip on my clothes and walk to the office.

Kunikida will be so surprised when he sees me before him that he’ll just have to say something.

I’m so childishly giddy at the thought that I can hardly concentrate but I make myself. I take my paperwork off Kunikida’s desk and start filling each form out and typing up the digital copies one by one. I’ve done 10 paper and digital copies now and I put down my pen at the sound of footsteps.

Kunikida walks right past me like he doesn’t notice me at all. He sits down at his desk, but his hand hesitates over his laptop. I force myself to resume my work, as if this is nothing out of the ordinary. He hasn’t looked at me or addressed me yet so I keep my eyes on the paper.

I look up once as I hear his chair slide back. He stares at me for a second, his grey eyes filled with surprise, then suspicion and then exhaustion. His lips form a thin line, no words leave his lips. Not even a thank you.

Well that backfired! But he’ll slip up eventually, I just have to keep this up and he’ll surely confront me.

The president gets here and greets us both. I find great relief in hearing Kunikida’s voice even if the words aren’t for me.

One by one my colleagues arrive, Kyouka, Kenji, Atsushi, Ranpo and then Yosano,

They all react with surprise in there different ways:

Kenji happily greeted me, saying he’s glad to see me on this fine morning.

Kyouka gives me a side-eye but asks no questions.

Atsushi asks me if I’m alright, afraid that something dreadful has happened.

Ranpo’s gaze flickers from me to Kunikida, raising an eyebrow. I give him the smallest of nods. He bursts out laughing.

Yosano offers to heal me if I’ve suddenly developed a brain tumour that’s affecting my behaviour.

Kunikida remains silent, not looking up from his laptop. I won’t look at Kunikida either, give him a taste of his own medicine.

With my fast typing speed I finish my most recent paperwork, the ones pertaining to our case with the local police, before lunch time. It crosses my mind that it isn’t that bad but then I remember the months backlog I have. I don’t groan or make a scene, I give no indication of my emotions.

I start the large pile and get halfway through before I notice the office is oddly silent. I look up and see everyone besides Ranpo standings round Yosano’s desk whispering. They’re looking right at me and when they see me looking they all stop.

I go back to my work, ignoring them like Kunikida has been ignoring me.

I hear Atsushi ask, “Did Kunikida-san do something to him?” and Yosano replied, “Don’t worry, Atsushi, he’ll be back to normal by tomorrow.”

The day passes quickly, differently from usual where everything is a blur. I know exactly what happened but I still have trouble remembering everything because it feels like I sat at my desk and stared at my laptop all day doing one thing, write, type, file, repeat (I did.)

I still have some forms to fill out but if I work at the same rate I’ll get them done by the end of the day tomorrow. But I can hardly think of tomorrow when today’s been a complete flop. Kunikida didn’t react at all.

But he gave me that look, the suspicion. Like the only reason I’d ever do my work was if I had ulterior motives, the fact that it’s true cuts me inside. And then that pure weariness.

It’s clear to me now that Kunikida isn’t mad at me, he's just lost patience and run out of willpower to deal with me. And he shouldn’t have to deal with me, I’m a full grown adult I can be normal. I’m sure I can.

When you think about it Kunikida’s ideals are only asking for a regular polite pretty woman who isn’t a crazy motherfucking bitch (like me). I will remake myself to fit his ideals and become a better person in the process. It may not work but it’s my only and last chance for him to want me.

#bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bsd #kunikidazai fanfiction #kunikidazai fanfic #kunikidazai fic #kunikidazai angst #kunikidazai #kunidazai fanfiction #kunidazai fanfic #kunidazai fic #kunidazai angst #kunidazai #IDEALS [kunikidazai]

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semisemieita · 7 years

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Random Shiratorizawa Boys Headcanons

you guys know i love the shiratorizawa boys to death and here are a bunch of random headcanons for them

Ushijima:

▸ he has a potted tomato plant in his dorm room, by the window. He loves watering it when he wakes up, before doing his morning run

▸ on multiple occasions, the track team has tried to get him because they’ve seen how fast he can run (too bad he’s a super volleyball idiot)

▸ he’s a really slow eater

▸ roommates with reon !!

▸ he gets lost when they go to places as a team because he walks much faster than the rest of the team. usually, semi is the one to find him and drag him back to the group

▸ he’s the one that reminds teachers about the homework. he’s just oblivious likes that

▸ he’s been confessed to many times, but tendou has scared multiple girls off (don’t touch his wakatoshi)

▸ he doesn’t like watching movies that much and he will only go to the cinema if it’s a team “bonding” outing or with tendou

Tendou:

❃ he has insomniac periods every once in awhile that he takes meds for. ushijima stops by every night to make sure he takes his pills

❃ roommates w semisemi !!

❃ sneaks off campus with semi after dinner and they go shopping and eat desserts that wouldn’t be allowed on campus

❃ has a pet lizard at home that his cousin takes care of while he’s at school. he named it after an anime character

❃ met bokuto once, during nationals. they exchanged numbers and they frequently send each other memes but never really talk

❃ actually quite popular, but everyone knows he’s dating ushijima (except for a few girls who crush hard on the ace)

❃ once he broke one of the racks that hold the volleyball supplies because he was explaining a chapter of a manga he liked and got too excited

❃ such a dork but we love him

Shirabu:

➣ tried to cut his own hair during first year and screwed up but he just? stuck with it?

➣ has also been confessed to by some girls, but he’s super gay so he turned them down as politely (read: awkwardly) as he could

➣ rooms with kawanishi !!

➣ he’s super messy and kawanishi is always getting mad cuz he trips over all of shirabu’s clothing when he walks around the room

➣ shirabu is the worst cook in the world. once, he tried to help semi bake cookies and was banned from the kitchen (all semi asked him to do was cream the sugar and butter how did he even manage to screw it up?)

➣ hatES roadwork so much

➣ crush on ushijima (even though he’s dating semi)

➣ best friendos with kawanishi even though they bicker all the time. it’s what they do, it’s a salt based friendship

➣ pretends not to be so co-dependent but really has no idea what he’s gonna do when semi graduates

➣ has a pet bunny

Semi:

✧ loves strawberry chapstick but hates strawberries. always has some strawberry flavored lip product with him at all time

✧ roomies with tendou !!

✧ tendou turned him into an anime nerd but he refuses to admit it

✧ his family owns a bakery so he learned how to bake at a really young age. he’s the team’s resident baker and makes cookies for them during “bonding night”

✧ best friends with tendou and close with kawanishi and yamagata

✧ hAS BEEN CONFESSED TO SO MANY TIMES WHAT EVEN (shirabu is salty)

✧ eldest of 5 kids, which is why he has paternal tendencies. also why he’s considered the team mom

✧ had a rough setter/ace relationship with ushijima when he was the official setter but they’ve become closer as high school progressed and now are great friends

✧ won’t admit how much he really cares for shirabu

✧ i love semi what a handsome boy <3

Yamagata:

❂ the team bought him a keychain that beeps when needed for his phone so he doesn’t lose it because jesus christ he needs it

❂ can’t find his phone but can always find his keys

❂ rooms with someone from the soccer team because he didn’t put in his roommate recommendation in time

❂ he’s gotten into a fight before (it was sort of an accident, we don’t talk about it) and semi had to patch him up, while scolding him all the while (he also got quite a scolding from reon)

❂ has lunch with goshiki because he is a good senpai™

❂ cat person but loves dogs as well

❂ plays a lot of video games. he doesn’t have insomnia like tendou but can get carried away at night and forgets to sleep sometimes

❂ has talked to nishinoya over instagram a few times. they cool

❂ an angry little bean <3

Goshiki:

✰ bionic immune system. even when the whole team is down with a bug, he’d never get it.

✰ has had a pure little crush on ushijima (don’t tell tendou-san please!)

✰ rooms with a classmate

✰ loves all of his senpais so much !!!

✰ likes semi’s tosses better than shirabu’s but don’t tell shirabu or he’ll stop tossing to goshiki during matches

✰ his favorite dog is a toy poodle and whenever he sees one, he will pet the shit out of it

✰ he has an irrational fear of pigeons and squirrels (again, don’t tell shirabu or he will never live it down)

✰ the campus is so big, his first few weeks, he had to use rollerblades to get around fast enough

✰ texts and skypes hinata all the time, they talk about dreams of being the ace and their amazing senpais!!

Kawanishi:

☁︎ wants a nap 24/7

☁︎ loves shirabu but he’s constantly pissed off at how messy shirabu is. like...please put your underwear in the hamper, it is literally 8 feet away

☁︎ pretty close to yamagata. he plays video games online with yamagata at night if he can’t sneak out to yamagata’s dorm

☁︎ he loves american food

☁︎ dogs are his favorite things ever? please give him all the puppies

☁︎ his parents weren’t around much, he was pretty much raised by his grandparents. he’s much closer to his grandma than his mother

☁︎ has a small crush on both semi and tendou, even though they are both dating other people

☁︎ ushijima bought him a plant for his birthday and he loves it. it’s on his desk and he always makes sure to water it

Reon:

❊ loves to read all types of books. even american-translated classics

❊ he’s considering playing volleyball through college but isn’t sure if it’s what he wants to pursue as a career

❊ he and yamagata hold hands and have kissed before but aren’t starting any relationship as they are going to different colleges

❊ a very tidy person

❊ has a pet parakeet that his parents take care of while he’s at school

❊ FaceTimes his family regularly. He misses them a lot while he’s at school, but he loves the team like family

❊ gets a headache from the shouting whenever the team plays board games during “ bonding night”

❊ he and the rest of the third years eat dinner together at least twice a week

General Headcanons:

❐ “bonding night” is every saturday. they take turns deciding what to do

❐ it was semi’s idea to make “bonding night” officially a thing but it was goshiki who first suggested going to karaoke one saturday night

❐ the third years promised to skype, text, email and stay in contact with each other and the rest of the team

❐ they all really love and support each other they are the best team fite me

#maya talks about shiratorizawa #shiratorizawa #headcanon #semishira #reongata #ushiten #kawasemi #semi eita #shirabu kenjirou #yamagata hayato #Ushijima Wakatoshi #tendou satori #goshiki tsutomu #kawanishi taichi #oohira reon

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poisonedpan · 7 years

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Fight Club - 05/2016 - Section 38

“You should come to my house tonight,” I told Claudia after theatre class. It didn’t take long for me to actually enjoy going back to school. I was taking a small break from drinking so much. I was just going to focus on weekends and Tuesdays.

I wasn't ready to give up Turn Up Tuesday.

I explained to her what Turn Up Tuesday is, how it started. How we’ve done it every Tuesday for the semester so far. I ended it with “and I’ll get you drunk as fuck.” That was my selling point for most things, and it always worked.

I got home and Trevor and I started getting ready for Turn Up Tuesday. I had invited the gang that usually hangs out. Trevor, Gabriel, Leila, Harley, William, Seth, Katherine and Ashley. I even told the Arabians about it. I wanted this one to be a little bigger than usual, as I was trying to show Claudia how great the turn ups can be.

They were lit.

Brittany came over first. She couldn’t stay for the night, but we were drinking jager. I really wish I utilized my time with Brittany more. I didn’t hang out with her nearly enough, and I should. She really cracks me up. We talked, talked shit, took shots.

“I may come back later,” she said. “You guys can have the bottle though.”

We walked her outside, and Trevor and I high fived. That took care of the whole liquor problem for the moment.

Claudia didn't come until later. When she finally came, I ran downstairs to let her in. She was with this other girl, who was also really pretty. She said it was her sister. Good genes. I should thank their parents later. I led them upstairs, and they walked into a game of four corners.

I introduced her to everyone. I was already pretty drunk of that jager.

I gave some to Claudia and her sister. This was my time to get to know Claudia better. I could get to know her. I didn't know that much about her, other than she was pretty and funny. I told them about my novel. Nobody ever believes me when I say that I wrote a novel, because of how much I drink. Most of them are surprised.

I gave them both one, and then signed Claudias. I ended it with #fuckit.

There was something about tonight that felt great to me. I had great friends. There was also a part of me that wanted to go for Claudia. It was a little weird, considering how gay I am. There was just something about her, and I really liked it. Also, she had nice tits.

That got weird when she said “Seth told me he met you off Grindr, are you gay?” I felt my mind slam on the brakes. I just stood there looking like an idiot. I couldn't tell her that I wasn't gay. I very much was. I couldn't even be able to deny it. Did she not know I was gay? Maybe it was the lack of attendance from school and she didn't have much knowledge of me. Didn't she hear my voice? Didn't she see how I walked? It didn't make sense to me.

I got a little mad at Seth for that. It wasn't his fault though, so I had to pass the blame onto myself. Seth didn't lie to her. I also still kind of liked Seth. I was just confused with everything that was going on in my life right now.

The night ended. I wasn't sure what was going on inside my head anymore. I honestly thought that after Taylor that I wasn't going to ever to like a girl again. I thought that I was just queer. That there was no girl that would walk into my life that i’d actually want to pursue. Claudia was different to me. Then we have Seth, who was super loud and funny when he gets drunk. There was something so cute about him though. It wasn't like I thought we’d make a good couple, but that doesn't mean that I didn't want to try. Then there was Gabriel, who I don’t deserve to have in my life anymore but I’m super lucky that I still do.

I just felt overwhelmed.

The following day, I asked Claudia to come over again. I wanted it to be just us that hungout. I wanted to get to know her without any outside forces coming into play. She got there kind’ve late. We smoked pot on my balcony. Claudia was easy to talk too. Even though, we didn’t talk about that much. I didn't know how to talk to girls that I was interested in. Mostly because, there were very select view i’d ever been interested in.

“Hey,” I heard a voice from outside the apartment say. I leaned over the edge.

“What?” I asked.

“Do you know a Chance Conley,” I heard. Maybe it was the pot, but I felt my heart pounding. I let my eyes focus more on the dark, and finally saw who the figure was. It was Trevors dad. Trevors dad was really protective of him, for good reason. A part of me that makes me laugh though was his dad was always afraid of me bringing pot around Trevor. When reality was, I didn’t even smoke pot until I had met Trevor. I mean I dabbled in high school a couple of times, but that was pretty much it.

“Let’s go inside,” I told Claudia. We laughed in my room for a while about it. She spent the night. I was giving her some tequila that’s been sitting in my cup since this morning. I was a really active drinker. I told Claudia about the movie Fight Club. It was my favorite movie of all time. There was something so relateable to me about it in the sense of insomnia, depression, chaos. I loved the way that it was filmed. I loved the moment he finds out what’s really going on. I just found some beautiful message in the movie.

“We should watch it,” she said.

I spent most the night talking. I got nervous and didn’t know how to shut the fuck up.

“Could Ikiss you,” I asked, like the fucking loser I was.

She laughed at me, probably because I’m the dumbest motherfucker out there. Or am I? She ended up giving me head like ten minutes later.

I went to sleep with a huge grin on my face.

Claudia and I decided to cut class and go to San Francisco. Pretty dumb as our theatre project was due in like two weeks. I wanted her to meet some of my friends out there, as I wanted to move back just for the summer. There was something so nice about the city that’s always drawn me back in.

We got there at like one. We met up with my friend Tara. Tara and I were pretty close when I had lived here before. Even though, I wasn’t the person that I am now. We still got along very well. I liked bringing some of my Fresno life to San Francisco. San Francisco used to make me feel like I had to be superficial to fit in. The truth is, Fresno let me realize who I am and who I wanted to be as a person. Your soul defines you, not what the rest of the world shapes you as.

Claudia and I got pretty high, and we drank a lot. Instead of just blowing off class again. I decided that I should go home. It wasn’t the best idea, at all. There was a part of me that iddnt care though. I drove back to Fresno, drunk as shit, blasting Tech N9ne and Machine Gun Kelly. Claudia slept in the backseat.

The following week we had another turn up Tuesday. It was just another day. I’ve been clinging onto Claudia more than my friends. We’ve even had sex. I felt like I was becoming a little different as a person, not because of my sexual orientation but because I went for what I wantd now. You miss all the shots you don’t take, and right now I was slam dunking the fuck out of my life.

Thursday night Claudia couldn't come. I got super drunk, and Tony and some other people were there. I woke up to not knowing anything at all. I wasn't surprised. THe house was a mess. I had broken glass all over the place. I wiped my eyes, and then walked outside. I talked to Dapo a lot about the last few weeks.

“It’s been tooo crazy man,” he said, in his deep ass voice. “Listen man, I have finals this week man.” He did his whole speech without me interrupting. I was still a little fucked up. I nodded my head. I told him that I’d stop until school was over. That wasn’t entirely true, but there was a part of me that just didn't get it. I checked twitter and apparently Trevor had beat the fuck out of Tony. Another thing I saw was that someone pulled a knife out and stabbed someone. (I found out later that it was a different party in the complex.)

So I packed my backpack and headed to San Francisco. I needed to get away for a little bit.

I had so much in my head lately. Literally, so much in my head. I felt like the world was spinning around. I didn't have any money for rent, hence the reason I’m going back to the city. I’m usually pretty good at making some money, but in reality, I didn't want to turn tricks anymore. A part of me liked Claudia, a lot. I knew that she didn't like me that way. I knew that she fucked around with other guys. I knew that I probably deserved better since I was literally giving up on making money for her. I wanted a job. I wanted someone to be proud of me. I’ve never heard anyone tell me how proud they are of me. It’s just “wow, you’re realy lucky.”

I called my mom outside of the Amtrak. I burst into tears. It was the first time that I’ve cried in a long time. I’m so emotional lately. I told her that I didn't know what to do, and all I know how to do is fuck things up. I told her that I didn't even want to go to San Francisco and trick myself out. I wanted more for myself. I deserved more for myself. I couldn't stop crying. I wanted to step on the tracks and let the train take my fucked up mind. I wanted it to shatter every bone in my body. I didn't want to feel anymore.

It never works for me.

I’ve lost again.

#personal #poison #chance conley #booozeboy #depression

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