#(therapy can help to learn coping mechanisms to deal with it better)

[canichangemyblogname]

When I started therapy, I was actually hung up on the fact that I didn't seem to have ever experienced dysphoria, which is a lie that has its origins in part in the fact I had no fucking clue what dysphoria actually is. I've since found that it's actually kinda hard to explain, and that's why these narratives that dysphoria is when trans people are revulsed by their body and agab, or when they "hate" their past self, persist. It's also why these "trapped in" bodies and "wrong" bodies narratives exist.

Like. I'm in my body. My body is my body. My consciousness isn't in another person's body; it's in my own. And I know myself. I know myself well enough to know that I am not a woman despite society telling me that my bits, pieces, and parts "make" me one. And how else do I explain this to someone with no frame of reference for this? I liken it to "Freaky Friday," despite the fact that's- technically- what it isn't? It’s like having an out-of-body experience. You're looking at your body. You know it's your body. But there's also a disconnect. Something's missing, and something's there that makes no sense.

I also don't think I could ever hate the girl my parents tried to raise or the woman I wanted so desperately to be. That wouldn't be very kind to me. She really tried her damnedest. And she's not "dead" because she's a vital part of my past. I, quite technically, wouldn't be trans if "she" never existed. I'd be a cis man if I was never afab. "Trans" is an important part of my lived reality.

Was I ever a "girl"? A part of me still has no idea. I know I truly believed I was, but the reasons I believed I was weren't healthy.

I held on to a lot of sex-essentialist ideas for a good portion of my youth. Why? It was all that connected me to the identity society and my family was trying to raise me into. When my cousin gifted me a uterus pin with the words "Women's rights" on it, I wore it proudly. It was a very tenuous connection to womanhood, and it was a connection I needed to critically rethink when my mother and grandmother were both diagnosed with cervical cancer (I was 11). I knew that it ran in my family and that, one day, I might need to go through the same surgery they did just to live.

I asked my mom what connected her to womanhood, and she replied: motherhood. I was never, ever going to be a mother, so I returned to the drawing board. I asked my grandmother what connected her to womanhood, and she replied: standing up to violent men and men who denied her and other women the opportunity to work; community. And I realized that I had never been extended the same community my grandmother always had been. Part of the disconnect I felt was due to violence (sexual and not) I had experienced in single-sex, "women's only" spaces. Girls in "girl's only" spaces made it clear that I was not welcome, and, at the time, I didn't understand why they singled me out and picked on me.

Even though my family was trying to raise me as a girl, the society around me saw me as nothing more than a "failed" girl. I was an "unwoman," not "woman enough," for reasons such as what I preferred to wear. But it's not like in marking me as "unwoman," they made me into a man, far from it. They sorted me- on the basis of my queerness- into some other third category. Something of a eunuch.

And it seemed like the only thing I had was some sex-essentialist, cisgender pretense (I absolutely loved the linked blog post as I found it quite striking, even though I was *never* trans-exclusionary, and I never supported those ideas about trans people) to sort of reassure myself that I belonged in society. Every time I usurped or rebelled against our sex/gender norms, I would work to distract myself from how I constructed my body into a binary and thus ignore how being made into a girl was wrong for me. I literally disconnected myself from parts of my internal self & internal thoughts, and I denied myself the opportunity to construct an identity. I was constantly gaslighting myself and consistently engaged in thought-stopping. In part because I was terrified of being "different."

I so desperately wanted to be just like every other girl that I ignored the fact that I likely never was (and that there is no such thing as universal woman/girlhood). With that realization, I could hear the words of my school-yard bullies from years ago, words which, it seems, many trans masc people have heard in their lifetime, "What's wrong? We're all girls here, aren't we? We're all alike."

I've been unable to recognize my own dysphoria because I have spent my whole life purposefully ignoring and distracting myself from those moments of "huh. something's off." I spent some 23 years of my life essentially disassociating from myself (I'm 26 now). I felt detached from my body and detached from the world around me. It felt as if everyone else was moving, but I was floating in place. I disconnected myself from my thoughts and emotions in an attempt to be accepted by a society that finds queerness disgusting.

I literally felt like I was watching my life and body unfold without my consent rather than me unfolding it myself. So, I liken my experience to "Freaky Friday" because that's also what it is.

#TW: depersonalisation #TW: assault #TW: dissociation #TW: transphobia #this is what therapy is for #It’s been healing to start to recognize what moments are dysphoria #Which might seem counterintuitive #Like. Why would I want to learn to recognize the moments of distress that come from an incongruence between my identity & body? #It’s so that I can better address them #And learn better coping mechanisms to deal with my mental distress #Help lessen some of my internal self-perception issues (very hard on myself mentally & not physically) #Helps me identify mental self-harm #Mental self-harm is not a way to process my distress. It only stresses me further 😅 #Gender journey

[disniq]

The thing is, I actually think it's a super interesting angle to look at the intersection of trauma and mental illness and vigilantism and coping mechanisms with Jason's character.

But, for me, if you want to seriously ask at what point does Jason need therapy more than he needs the vigilante lifestyle it's not Red Hood Jason you should be looking at. Red Hood Jason was literally murdered and the mysteriously resurrected. That's not something you can therapy your way out of! That's something that no amount of talking will ever help you understand, because it's a completely incomprehensible event!

No, if anyone needs therapy it's 12 year old Jason.

It's 12 year old Jason, who has poverty trauma and homelessness trauma and prison system trauma and parentification trauma and drug related trauma and, depending on your reading, potentially sexual trauma.

It's 12 year old Jason, who is taken in by Bruce - a man who is *also* severely traumatised (in extremely different ways) and chooses to dress up as a Bat and punch people about it instead of seeking healthy coping strategies.

It's 12 year old Jason, who Bruce decides - without psychiatric training or so much as a second opinion - needs the same outlet that "helped" Bruce and "helped" Dick.

And by the time aditf rolls around, Bruce is maybe just realising that he's made a mistake. But it's too late, because for two years he's told this child - a child who arguably feels indebted to him, a child who is extremely isolated and had very few if any other trusted adults to talk to - that violence and avoidance is how you deal with emotions.

I think that's fascinating to think about!

That Bruce's own failure to process his trauma left him blind to what Jason might actually have benefited from! That if Bruce had noticed Jason struggling earlier, if he'd reacted differently or explained himself better in aditf, Jason might not have felt the need to travel around the world alone looking for a woman he'd never met and only just learned about!

That if *Bruce* had been healthier, had been to therapy instead of throwing all his energy into vigilantism, none of this might have happened!

Reframe Red Hood Jason as a tragedy of Bruce's own making, not because of the classist bullshit that Jason was always going to end up a criminal and Bruce failed to stop that, but because Bruce's terrible coping mechanisms became *Jason's* terrible coping mechanisms and nobody likes to see the worst parts of themselves in the mirror.

#jason todd #bruce wayne #they're mirrors! you can't say jason should get therapy and quit vigilantism and nit say the same about bruce! #like i fully understand that the comics can't take this angle because that would mean accepting that batman makes mistakes #that he's not always right and correct and fucking infallible #but this idea is so prevalent in fandom and i just. c'mon guys. don't do DCs victim blaming for them #if you're going to say Jason's lifestyle choices are self harming you have to acknowledge where he learned them #my meta

[msviolacea]

So a thing that always bothers me when I see people on Tumblr mention CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, for all you fellow perverts out there - is that if you were told that CBT is about “thinking will make your problem go away” then you either had a shitty therapist (which is entirely likely) or you weren’t listening closely enough (which is also likely for all of us with different flavors of neurodivergence). 

I say this as someone who did CBT to only middling success - it wasn’t a cure-all, but it DID give me some tools that help in very specific aspects of my life. No, stopping and naming my sudden burst of rage or sadness or hopelessness as PMDD or a depressive episode does not make that burst go away. But after doing it for a while, it makes it easier to DEAL with that burst. Reminding myself of that makes it easier to not take it out on someone else, to successfully tell myself “this isn’t someone else’s problem, it will pass soon, it always does, being an asshole about it only makes it worse.” I still feel absolutely shitty, but thanks to that self-training I feel less shitty on the back end than I otherwise would.

When my brain tells me I’m worthless, CBT taught me to immediately follow up by asking “would anyone I care about say that about me?” Does it mean the worthlessness completely disappears? No, but it can function like a rope tying me to reality so I can ride the shitty terrible thoughts out to the other side without doing anything stupid. Sometimes the rope is sturdy. Sometimes it’s embroidery floss. But any tether is better than none at all. 

Does it always work? No. But it works often enough that learning some CBT methods was worth it for me. Knowing what the problem is doesn’t negate the problem. It just reminds me that controlling how I behave when it occurs will make life better for me in the long run. I still need the drugs. I still have other coping mechanisms. That’s just one of them. 

That’s why Behavioral is in the title. CBT isn’t for everyone, and it’s not going to work on every issue. But it can be useful tool in your “deal with my mental illness and/or neurodivergence” toolbox. It’s not a scam. It’s not just pseudo-science bullshit. It’s just training yourself to remember that even if you can’t control the pain, you can control how you react to it, and that control can be a gift to yourself. 

#jaime rambles #if someone told you cbt is all you need #they're an idiot #but if they told you cbt would help #that's a very different statement #it can help #i promise #it just needs to be used in the right order #and under the right circumstances #just like any tool

[mikajunie]

rediscovering shame and giving yourself compassion (how to deal with shame as someone with ADHD)

this is directed towards my fellow ADHDers who have trouble with reoccuring shame while leads to hindered productivity.

signs that your productivity is hindered by shame (compiled by my own experiences):

you feel negative physical symptoms when you think about your responsibilities

you find ways to avoid the responsibilities

every time you make progress, you feel like you don't ever wanna touch it again

when you present your progress, you feel ashamed of yourself because it's not finished (on time & according to ur standards).

you feel like you are a constant failure. you never win, despite achieving good things here and there.

you are a walking ball of anxiety

you have a fear of being perceived

there's probably more, but eh those are just from my own experiences

below i will write down what y'all should remember, what you can do to help yourself, etc. this is compiled from dr k, my own journaling time, and my firsthand experience from having shame 24/7

some things u gotta remember

shame is what exists in the gap between your ideal self and where you are currently.

your ideal self doesn't have to be unrealistic, it can be yourself when you were at your peak or someone who is very similar to you.

shame brings negative thoughts, because it makes you see progress as a negative thing.

instead of being happy that u made progress, u grumble to urself and ask "why didnt i just do it sooner? im so stupid". it's a reminder of your failures, so u avoid progress altogether.

shame can become a part of you, to the point where you feel uneasy or vulnerable if you dont feel ashamed at yourself

shame doesn't do anything to ADHDers in the long run except self-loathing and hindered productivity.

what should u do?

basically self-therapy, but instead of stopping at why, i try to solve my shame one-by-one.

examine past moments where you felt a LOT of shame. this can go back to elementary. the stronger the emotions, the better. now, write them down. you're probably cringing, but that is good. feel all the cringiness running through ur veins.

why did you feel shame? why did it happen? what did you feel?

reframe your thoughts. instead of immediately running away from it, accept it and justify it. give it compassion. give it a hug. was it your 7 year old self? hug yourself. it's okay to fuck up and do silly things sometimes, and it's okay to have ADHD. it's not our fault.

remember that ADHD is a lifelong nerudivergency, you can't just push it away. coping mechanisms and tools help, but give yourself some grace when you screw up. it's our first time living anyway.

calm your body down. make sure your physical body is doing okay.

now... think of one thing you want to do but can't because of shame and do these steps carefully. think of the reasons why you might be ashamed, and reframe your thoughts.

WARNING!! TAKE IT ONE PRESENT ACTION AT A TIME. don't do this for every action you want to take, let your body slowly learn that it's okay to make progress despite the shame you feel, and you are allowed to feel compassion for yourself.

train your body to accept compassion slowly. life is tough with ADHD but it's even tougher knowing that shame will get in your way. give yourself a break, it's fine to fuck up, we all go through different things anyway. even if it's not fine, you will learn and make those mistakes a lil bit lesser in the future.

ok hope this helps.

#mika rambles #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #adhd #actuallyadhd #actually adhd #adhd tips #adhd advice #adhd problems #adhd brain #adhd things #self improvement #mental health #mental illness #advice

[justanothersyscourse]

This is frustrating...

First off, I wouldn't call endos healthy, not at all. The vast majority are young teens dealing with a wide array of different problems, issues, and illnesses that are stuck in really bad situations. Granted, so are the majority of young DID systems that are on tumblr. I can't say many of the adults in the endo community are much better off.

And this isn't just about being a system, either. I don't care if you're happy as a system, or see it as beneficial. I'm talking about overall, general mental health.

Most are utilizing questionable, unhealthy coping mechanisms and techniques to help them handle their problems, and not seeking any kind of therapy or treatment for any of their issues.

There are role models in the DID community-- a large number, actually, that are older, have gone through multiple years of therapy learning healthy habits, not just in regards to their system, but for other common problems and illnesses. They have jobs, families, mortgages, educations, all while having lived with a highly stigmatized disorder. They pulled off what many people said was impossible.

They didn't just overcome, they thrived.

People--even within our own community, think we can't do any of those things, but here we are, and you want endos to be the role models?

We're right here.

We are role models.

We are proof that people with DID can do anything.

We have four degrees. We're married. We have a full time career that we love and a blog where I try to help people. I'm actively working on myself, continuously, always knowing that I can improve and be better. We no longer have amnesia, we communicate so clearly. I love my system. I wouldn't give it up for anything.

We have DID and are healthy, functional multiples.

I want others to share their accomplishments, I want to hear your success stories. Let's share what we're capable of.

#syscourse #actuallydid #actuallyosdd #actuallytraumagenic #did #osdd #anti endo #anti endogenic #actuallymultiple

[autismserenity]

How are you holding up? I ask because I'm only, like, addressing antisemitism that leaks to my dash with every term related to Palestine I can think of blacklisted. And i'm like. Barely crlinging to fragile sanity. I hope you are better equipped to handle the stresses of this ongoing disinformation campaign. You're doing good and important work, which you must know, but I want to re-emphasize it.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

i swear to god I thought there was a way to reply privately to asks, but apparently either there isn't or I don't have the patience to find it again.

I think that you're describing how most Jews with any connection to social media feel.

The good thing, in a way, is that researching and fact-checking is my major coping mechanism. Researching and rebutting and arguing with people until I understand everything well enough to be pithy about it. Creating ways for other people to defend themselves and to push back. Doing the research to know when I'm right helps me a lot.

I'm probably as well-equipped for this as I can imagine being (that's not really true, I should be talking to people more about it and using 12-step tools to deal with it and gosh some therapy would be nice), and like... there have still literally been times when I've been triggered for an entire week by this shit.

Most notably: the time when I saw a clip on my TikTok fyp from some podcast where some journalist fully got all dressed up and prepared to go on camera, to say that she could imagine there were a few individual rapes on Oct 7 -- although she wasn't aware of any -- but that certainly there was no evidence of systematic rape, and that saying there had been systematic rape was dehumanizing propaganda.

Like. If you can't even take one minute to google whether there had been individual rapes before you go on camera. And you haven't heard of them two months after the fact. Then you don't know enough to talk about this, period. That makes you the very opposite of an expert on the subject. And yet, that is who gets platformed. Ignorant randos who have no personal connection to any of this.

I literally knew there had been gang rapes by Hamas within the first week of the massacre. Because I cared enough to do a search for eyewitness testimony of the massacre, and I found an interview on PBS immediately.

Or, more accurately: it was because it slowly sank in that the attack had been MASSIVE. 22 kibbutzim leveled in one day, hands-on, without an airplane or mortar shell involved. All those people killed the way you would kill a horde of zombies: burned alive, or shot and then mutilated, or cut up and then shot. Like they needed to double-tap, to make sure no one was coming back around.

Two years of planning. Almost half a billion dollars in funding from Iran. Detailed guides even to the dentist's offices and kindergartens and grocery stores they were invading.

And it was very plain to, I think, nearly every Jew on earth that this was an attack aimed at Jews. Even before any recordings of attackers saying "I'm inside with the Jews" or "I killed 10 Jews with my own hands" even came out. Even though everyone else was denying it from the moment it happened.

And I felt compelled to learn more about what happened.

To KNOW.

To bear witness.

Even before it became apparent started to seem like the rest of the world would rather die themselves than bear witness to us. Even before it became apparent that Hamas had been telling people Israel would commit genocide in response before its fighters even left that country.

A reasonable person, imho, would ask why the fuck Hamas would commit such atrocities if if thought Israel would respond by killing every Palestinian in Gaza.

The Palestinians in Gaza are certainly fucking demanding to know why the hell Hamas thinks it gets to start a war on them, why its leaders get to hide out and evacuate their families while demanding civilians bleed and die for it, and why it doesn't goddamn turn itself in and give back the hostages.

But anyway.

But that's the thing. I looked it up because I was compelled to. I identified with the people attacked. I needed to know what had happened to us.

That's something outsiders would only do if they were allies.

We know, now, that we don't have allies on the left.

I've seen post after post after post, hundreds and hundreds of comments, on Jewish Reddit, asking if other progressives are okay. Asking, "how are you dealing with rejection by the left??" Asking if others are also shocked and confused and betrayed. Talking about how many friends they've lost who went masks-off antisemitic. So many people who've had to end long-term relationships when their partners went masks-off.

There's usually at least one politically conservative Jew in the comments laughing wryly and going, "wow, you really thought you were safe?"

Sometimes they ask why we're on the left if everyone there wants to kill us. Then we defiantly point out that it's not any different on the right. Or that we're not going to abandon our political beliefs for anyone.

Anyway.

I didn't even watch the podcast clip past that moment.

I ragequit. I went to the file of eyewitness testimonies I'd already put together, after weeks and weeks of denial. (And by "file," I mean "draft in gmail, because it saves automatically, and it's easy to find, and i don't know why it's better than google docs or dropbox paper, but it just is.")

I took the clearest, most authoritative ones and put them into their own document -- which i did make in dropbox lol.

I duetted the video, or whatever the fuck the one is in tiktok where you just take 5 seconds from one video and the rest is your own. It's not duetting. Idk.

It was the middle of Hanukkah. I recorded a video where I read each of however many testimonies I had, and lit a candle before each one. It was almost 10 minutes long, even though I made them as short as I could.

I didn't post it.

I was triggered all to hell for a whole week. I was staying up till 3 or 4 in the morning, researching horrifying rape testimonies, arguing with people on the internet, then sleeping too little and too late, then doing it again.

Watching myself lose a whole week to this. Knowing I couldn't do anything about it. Half-angrily, half-numbly thinking about how I couldn't afford to lose this much job search time, this much unfucking-my-life time. How I couldn't afford to have people I didn't even know fuck up my life even more.

And the bitch of it all is that the tone of the discourse makes me strongly suspect that if we said, "hey everyone needs to walk it back, you guys are deeply fucking up the mental health of pretty nearly the entire Jewish community," people would just respond by angrily telling us anti-Zionism is not antisemitism, mockingly saying that's what Zionists deserve.

Thanks for asking <3

#wall of words #depressing discourse #jumblr

[smokee78]

This is such a vague question but how did you do it? I'm assuming therapy helped a lot but like. Idk did you have to unpack all of the trauma or like. Idk. It sounds like a whole lot of effort and honestly congrats. I'm just curious how you managed to achieve it

Yes thank you so much for the question!

So I started EMDR therapy in April 2022, which is a type of therapy that helps process and desensitize trauma memories, and negative beliefs held due to trauma. You don't need an exact clear image/memory of the trauma for this to work, and in my experience it worked really well for my complex/ongoing traumas (ex. neglect and long term bullying) as well as for our "one time incident" more PTSD-like traumas.

shortly after beginning EMDR, a lot of our DID symptoms began to fluctuate, some weeks they were really bad, some they were noticeably much better. this is because EMDR doesn't only happen during sessions- your brain actually continues the reprocessing being the scenes in the background, which can cause extra stress in the meantime! but the end result is worth it.

of course, EMDR comes with a lot of safety measures and checking in before starting the therapy to make sure you are safe, and have a plan if things get to be too much.

I'd say maybe a few months in, we had a big even we dubbed "the fusening" in which many of our fragments "gave up" their form as they no longer felt it necessary to stay separate. some "larger" and more dominant parts fused at this time too, some 1:1 with another part, and others just seemed to dissipate.

I'd say by 4-5 months in we'd gone from over 90 identified parts down to a nebulous 30-50. We were also nearly (80% of the time?) always blurry, so it was hard to identify who was left.

we also identified some new parts at this time, who had been dormant and stuck behind a layer that previously was not able to contact us before processing trauma.

we stuck around 10-20 parts for a whole, working our way through traumasostly chronologically, and hit some big targets. it was hard and exhausting work, and left me on edge almost 24/7. but I could tell despite the exhaustion, I was getting better. I was still getting amnesia, but switches and headaches were much less noticeable, we were no longer finding new parts or splitting new parts, and it felt like I had the control to find healthy coping mechanisms on my own with out my brain trying to cope for me (by splitting).

these past few months I've actually been on a break from EMDR- my therapist noticed my avoidant behaviours to dealing with a lot of the trauma I faced from my parents, and I have a big school exam coming up. so we left it for the summer, to reconvene in October after my exam.

at that point I'd had about three alters left, two nearly identical, the current host and a similar alter, and in the process of trying to meld, and one of the earliest alters and most developed, and distinct we'd had.

in the meantime, I started regular talk therapy with a new therapist, less intense but to hopefully get some help with non trauma processing based issues, maybe try to grapple some of the parental issues without trauma targets.

We focused a lot on identity, as, despite having over 90 at one point, I felt completely lost! I didnt know who I was, what I wanted, and who I could be if I let myself. I was trying my best to "go along with the flow", but I didn't realize that didn't mean I had to like *everything*, even if I was open to new experiences!

I learned how to be on my own and still have fun in the absence of other people. I started broadening my horizons and going to local punk shows and learning it was okay to not be mainstream and still be safe! I came out to more people about my gender identity and started the process to transition medically, and started being more open socially about being gender non conforming. I learned I really, really, hate cooking, and that's okay.

about a few weeks ago, I had a falling out with my parents. I won't go into detail because I don't think it's relevant, but I decided our relationship wasn't healthy, and I cut them off for good. I'd previously done this two years ago as well, but we reconciled and tried to make it work. but this time, it was clear the only person that was interested in changing to make things work was me, and after finally getting a taste of figuring out who I could be, I was done sacrificing myself for the sake of making them happy.

stem, the last part to fuse with beau, held pretty much all the resentment for sacrificing ourself and not getting to be ourself. she held all the bitterness, the teenage and adulthood angst, all the rage. she'd been very stubborn about it all. to the point where beau as the host (this is getting confusing to type- I'm both sten and beau now. I'm one. but I'm trying to talk from beaus perspective about stem), had finally said "look. I know we wanted final fusion. but I'm okay if you want to stay stem and we'd changed our minds. we don't have to final fuse to still be an advocate for compassion towards those who choose final fusion, and we're not betraying ourselves or anyone else if we stay separate."

stem said "thank you" to this, which was the first time she'd shown any genuine positive emotion towards beau or the rest of the system. (she was a persecutor at one point, turned to no role/sort of protector ish role).

beau was shocked, as he never thought stem would let go of the bitterness she'd held to the rest of the system, the fact that she'd gone dormant and lost the host role at one point, and many other traumas.

there was genuine understanding and compassion towards each other as individual parts.

that night, stem was around and feeling list and hopeless about the reason we'd cut off our parents again. we vented to our friends, they listened, validated our feelings and... we felt better. the feelings laid to rest a little, though the grief was still fresh.

we left the conversation, and noticed we had a headache+foggy feeling we usually associated with a split. we commented to a friend we may be splitting, which hadn't happened in a while, but was understandable with the stress we were dealing with

except. it wasn't a split. we fused. stem was heard by herself and her system, and validated and respected by her friends. despite losing her adoptive family (not blood- we were adopted at birth), stem had found acceptance and love from our new chosen family and friends. that was enough to let go of the hate and bitterness and rage and let herself be one with the full range of emotions and personhood final fusing could give us in this way. I also use Stem as a preferred name in addition to Beau now, which I feel is fitting. I'm them, they are both a part of me even though we're all one now.

I hope this answered your question! one other thing to note, through a lot of hard work and cooperation, we were previously able to fuse a fragment and an alter together before any therapy, with a lot of help from those who'd already experienced fusion. it's not impossible to fuse some alters on your own. (though I would say it would be very unlikely to final fuse without outside help)

#syscourse #final fusion #did #osdd #didosdd #actually did #actually osdd #plural #pluralgang #diary #recovery #living with cptsd

[z0ruas]

I'm nervous to share this but I need to get better at it. In March this year my therapist diagnosed me with OSDD - otherwise specified dissociative disorder - or one of the variations under the umbrella of what used to be called multiple personality disorder. I didn't know my undiagnosed autism in early childhood could become something this advanced, and I can never find out what trauma exactly caused it because 1) that's the nature of the disorder and 2) my parents who homeschooled/abused me will never help me remember. My best guess is CSA that they tried to cover up and it should bother me more to share that but despite having been a walking billboard of the symptoms at times I don't recall the trauma itself whatsoever so whatever, just the rituals I used to do to try to get out of any more of it happening I guess. Telling my therapist that as a child I stopped bathing for days at a time and don't remember when it started and to this day I'm still mysteriously horrified of the shower tipped her off to my dissociation being highly abnormal

"DID is a dissociative trauma disorder in which a survivor has undergone longterm, repeated trauma in early childhood. This trauma, combined with other factors, results in a rather dramatic interruption of psychological development -- particularly as it pertains to identity. Through a process known as dissociation, this thwarted development results in "differentiated self-states" (also known as alters/parts) who may each think, act, and feel considerably different from one another. These parts of the mind - who may have their own name, age and personality - are able to take executive control of the body, leaving the survivor without any awareness for the time they were gone. These amnesic gaps in memory can be for just a few moments, a few days, or even entire chunks of one's childhood. The alters in a DID mind exist to help the survivor cope with deeply painful and unconscionable trauma, holding it outside their awareness to the best of their ability. However, often once the survivor begins to find safety and/or enter adulthood, this once supremely creative and protective mechanism can turn into a maladaptive trait causing real life consequences."

I'm not sure if I count as fully DID because of my likely low end alter count, which I'll explain, and because how my amnesia works. I want to say I am because I don't remember anything before the age of 7 and didn't know until recently that not everyone forgets early childhood that hard, lately everything before age 13 is on its way out too and I'm gathering that the degree of my short and long term memory loss are pretty severe during times of stress, but I don't currently have blackouts or alters who keep each other out of consciousness to "take over" and are damned to keep secrets from each other, so I don't know. It feels more like they just filter themselves through me, like we're all living the same life but just deal with it and feel about it different ways.

They've written a lot of notes/journals to me over the years, so as an adult as long as I check those I usually remember what they do and feel generally and don't ever wake up like "where the fuck am I," but in the past I mistook them for fictional characters or "intrusive inner monologue" that conflicted with "me," because I didn't know what this was. With more therapy and introspection I've figured that 20+ years ago I once had alters who I can't remember anymore who took a lot of memory away whenever it was they "left"/I no longer needed them.

Turns out even if I hadn't decided to formally learn creative writing I would've been coming up with other people in my head to cope anyway. Kinda puts a damper on the last decade I've spent as a writer or so I thought. Similar to the ablutophobia I don't recall when exactly I started coming up with and illustrating stories, just that I seemed to be able to and I needed to do it as much as possible.

Without prodding off the top of my head I only have two clear memories of being 7, I don't know when they are and they aren't reels of continuous moments more than they are snapshots of just having been there, but I can still see what the rooms looked like when I was in them: 1) playing Pokemon Yellow in my bedroom for the first time and 2) sitting down at the brick computer in my parents' bedroom to write my first word document story.

I say my alter count is likely to be low (but I can't be sure until I get a therapist who specializes in this disorder, mine only does in autism) because I, the host of this blog and normally my brain/body, used to feel like a singlet (someone without DID) and was long unaware of what this disorder was besides the name of it, so we didn't have a naming or recognition method for alters for 20+ years. The way its portrayed in media and online I see a lot of systems with drastically individualized members, but a lot of mine are just "me but with certain emotions dialed up" "me slightly to the left or right" "me at 13" "me when I've suddenly forgotten x important thing again"

Like the autism this is definitely one of those things I needed to know about myself decades sooner, but unlike the autism which I was #bornwith this feels like something I need to apologize for, despite not having the language or knowledge to express how it felt and despite not remembering why I started doing it.

If I'd been able to always express myself as a "we," if I'd known, I wouldn't have hidden this from people, so that I can get better. Whether that be through "final fusion" (all alters becoming one) or "functional multiplicity" (less alters becoming as few as possible) I plan on healing as much as possible despite no longer being able to recover all the pieces of my puzzle

#me #plural

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

idk if ur gonna see this or anything but i fully relapsed pretty bad into my ed about two months ago. I've had god knows how many recoveries and relapses and I always seem to end up back in. i want out this time and i want out for good, i don't want to spend the rest of my life doing this. any advice?

Hi there, anon! I did see this. I get to everything in my askbox eventually, if it's something I'm able to put on my blog.

I'm sorry to hear you've been having so much trouble staying well. I don't know exactly what you've tried so far, but here's the advice I can give:

Are you surrounded by supportive people? If you can, find friends you trust to confide in about the issues you've been having. Think about what they can do to be supportive, whether it be reminding you to be soft about your body image or reminding you how they hope you are healthy and eating well. We all need to learn to love ourselves, but outside support from the right people can give us a big, big boost when we find ourselves needing it most. Building a support system also gives you people to reach out to when you're struggling. That can be hard and scary, but it can also be a resource.

Speaking of resources, is therapy open to you? I don't know if you're able to access therapeutic resources, but a therapist might be able to help you develop coping mechanisms for the issues you might be struggling with that keep you coming back to your ED. I'm also going to preface this next statement by saying that I am not an expert on DBT, and that what I'm going to tell you next is just something I heard during a brief overview of DBT during a training we had at work recently. However, apparently a big premise in DBT is about learning coping strategies to get through those moments of crisis we experience without resorting to the destructive impulses we may have. "Whatever you do, don't make it WORSE" is an excellent thing to remember in crisis. Sometimes you can just...do nothing, and ride out the feeling until it passes, and then work through it later. Or use a coping strategy. Once you've practiced that, maybe you can learn positive responses to your moments of crisis to help you deal with them productively. That way you may learn to better resist urges to relapse - or to pull yourself out of a lapse before it becomes a full relapse. (Be honest but kind to yourself when doing this - shame may only make the lapse worse! Those of us with EDs are often prone to using shame as a motivator, which can sometimes work well in the short term but is terrible for us in the long term.)

It's hard for me to give specific advice without knowing what your ED is like, but perhaps you can use timed reminders to hold yourself accountable to consistently practicing self care before, during, and after eating. Especially when you're going places like - out to a restaurant with friends and family, event where surprise food might be offered, holiday party, etc. Self-care can be whatever works for you - writing down positive affirmations, meditating, taking a long hot bath, taking a little walk and moving your body, gently reminding the bully in your head that what they're saying to you is not helpful to you in the long run, doing some stretches, creating some art...literally whatever self-care looks like for you, but create a self-care regimen around eating properly. Create a self-care regimen for lapses, too. Hopefully you won't need it, but understand that self-care means investing in resources and safety nets for yourself in the event that you might have a hard time, rather than punishing yourself by letting yourself fail. Think about it in advance so that you are not struggling to come up with a self-care plan when you're already in crisis: what are you going to need in order to help gently pull yourself out of a lapse? Failing is human and struggling is common in eating disorders. Learning to be kind to yourself when you fail and growing from your mistakes is a huge part of ED recovery, since we tend to be big self-punishers.

Hope this helps! You can tell me a little more about your ED for more specific advice if you want to, but you don't have to. I hope you find your way back to your own healing path, anon. <3

#ed recovery #advice #long post #self love #self care #ed cw

[alluraaaa]

18 for the whole team. I'd like to know your thoughts.... (sits in front of you with a notepad and pencil) owo

VERY good question arbor. class is in session

18. what they’d go to see a therapist about

(this quickly turned into what the team is like in therapy as well. but i love talking so <3)

the entire team would obviously be in therapy about. the intergalactic war they were on the front lines of. that goes without saying but i’m saying it anyway

shiro: not just the PTSD but how he’s so nonchalant about it. he goes into his first session like “yeah. i think i have PTSD? like i’m not a professional i’m not gonna definitively say i do but… (describes how often he gets panic attacks and how distressing they are in detail)” and the therapist is like “😀… okay. do you wanna talk about what happened? it’s okay if you don’t it might be difficult to recall”

meanwhile shiro’s like “oh yeah! i was kidnapped and forced to fight to the death in a gladiator ring for a year. then i had to lead a team of teenagers in a war against a ten thousand year old empire. just the seven of us against an entire militia :|-)” and the therapist is already pulling out all of her books on post traumatic stress like “uh huh uh huh uh huh continue”

keith: getting keith to actually participate in therapy in a meaningful way is gonna be like trying to pull teeth. and once he’s in there it’s gonna be boring conversations about his day where his therapist sneakily gets him to open up about his past. you ever see in the office when micheal goes to therapy with toby? it’s like that.

but when keith starts actually opening up he forms a ride or die bond with his therapist and is the only person he talks to so openly about his abandonment issues. he’s just on the couch crying his eyes out like “diane… you’re the realest bitch i’ve ever met.” and diane is like “thanks keith. you’re real as hell too. i can tell the people in your life really love you” and thus a new person gains keith as a purse dog

pidge: she definitely needs to learn how to be more open with her affection. stems from repeated loss like keith and like keith her response is to be more guarded. but rather than be closed off and a loner she snaps at people and is aggressive to people before they can be aggressive to her #bulliedgang ✌️ but as she’s grown closer to the team her jabs are more lovingly said, though still she’s scared to openly admit she loves people because ew affection she’s gonna get shoved in a locker!!!!

her approach to getting into therapy is very similar to keith in terms of “fuck that i’m perfectly fine” but she lets her walls down a lot quicker because she didn’t lose quite as much as keith #hasamom

lance: i know i said the post war therapy goes without saying but he’d be processing the war so much more than the others. his personal issues are an afterthought when he’s dealing with “omg i KILLED someone diane what do i tell their family?” also he doesn’t like talking about himself in terms of “i’ve had issues my whole life and need help” and makes it very apparent. it’s complicated to be in therapy and trying to better yourself when you’re convinced that you don’t deserve better things!

but once he does get to that level it’s allllll about the coping mechanisms. very much giving “no i don’t care where my self esteem issues came from how to i FIX IT?” he gets told his braggadocio stems from overcompensation for his perceived shortcomings and he’s like “YEAH? DUH???? how do i start calling myself awesome and believe myself when i say it?” also maybe once he’s processed and progressed enough he gets a bit transgender with it who knows ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

hunk: he was already considering therapy for his anxiety before the war so like. this has been needed for a WHILE. his anxiety has gotten both worse and better. worse because he’s always looking out for a surprise attack and better because he knows his limits a lot better than he did and is like “well. if that guy who looks shifty DID stab me, i’d know how to deal with that! just like on planet naenov that one time”

in therapy he asks plenty of questions about the specific limitations of doctor patient confidentiality before absolutely oversharing. diane learns more about keith in hunk’s sessions than keith’s for a while. there’s a period where hunk is more worried about how well they’re doing than his own well-being and has to keep himself from breaking THEIR doctor patient confidentiality. there’s also him knowing she can’t and won’t share what he says so he vents about petty stuff in side tangents every five minutes

allura: “how am i supposed to be queen of an entire planet i feel bad telling pidge what to do when she’s tired” and other such questions. allura is overjoyed to have a new altea, but she’s terrified about ruling it wrong. it’s self esteem issues AND anxiety! what fun! there’s also the general grief of old altea and all she’s lost, but that comes with so much survivor’s guilt too. she knows she was raised to rule one day and believes in fate enough to trust in herself being the one to survive the war, but still. a lot on her plate.

there’s also the fact that she treats her therapy like a new religion. “you know how to fix me so i will do anything you say. i’ll kill someone for you. i’ve killed before actually, did i tell you that? i can’t not forget the life draining out of his eyes…. anyway, i’ll do whatever you say if it means no more nightmares.”

coran: he’s dealing with everything allura’s processing, plus the fact that he was her rock the entire time. he made himself available to the whole team as a shoulder to cry on, but he didn’t have anyone in return. he jumps at the chance to go to therapy because he’ll FINALLY have an outlet outside of his brain

he happy shares every detail with his therapist, but intersperses every sad memory with some of the most batshit insane stuff anyone’s ever done because they often happened one after the other. real sentences coran has said in therapy: “yes, i had killed someone long before this war. i’ve been in others, but never like this. i tell you, seeing these kids lose their innocence so quickly yet so gradually… it rocked me to my core…. but! it reminds me of when i first killed a man. funny story, actually.”

also fun fact. therapists sometimes have to go to therapy themselves for all the stuff they deal with and stories they hear from patients. diane is also in therapy; why she chose to see all seven of them, she’ll never know

#ask #treesbian #thank you arbor this kept me busy during this boring ass morning i owe you fr <333 #long post #team #headcanon #pour one out for diane. and also the team. for the horrors

[glade-constellation]

This is kind of just me needing to write out my feelings to understand them better, because we have a lot of mixed feeling about Eclipse’s death right now. Sorry if it doesn’t make much sense.

(This turned out much longer than I thought so I put everything under the cut, but I think everything written down is important. Also, when emotions are mentioned, I’m talking more so about healthy coping mechanisms to cause better emotional outcomes. I didn’t really know how to properly word it until I wrote a lot of this so I didn’t want to have to go back and change it. The post is long enough as it.)

I kind of hate how media portrays that death is the only way to handle “bad” trauma survivors. As a trauma survivor myself, seeing this makes me feel like society hate me. Yes, Eclipse was a terrible person, but was death really the only option? Truly and honestly?

It’s so blatantly obvious to us that Eclipse didn’t know how to use healthy coping mechanisms because he was never taught them. His entire life has been bad thing after bad thing. He quite literally woke up for the first time to learn he had been abandoned and left behind because he was Moon’s unwanted coding. His first feelings he ever truly felt for himself were confusion and hurt. On top of this, he was trapped apart from the real world with his only way out being something that badly burned him. When he finally gets out he’s met with extreme hostility and hate (which I don’t blame anyone for with the way Eclipse introduced himself in the first place). His own creation he made to help get him out of Sun’s headspace (Bloodmoon) turned on him and tried to kill him. Every single person in the entire show either turned their backs on him or used him for their own gain.

Yes, Eclipse was kind of doing this to himself, but people also seem to forget what part of Moon he was made from. He was Moon’s attempt at removing the kill code. A code specifically created to kill and hurt. Moon was at least created with other protocols that counteracted the kill code. He had other emotions and thoughts besides the code made to make him murderous. Eclipse was the code, or at least a part of it. He was made with no other emotions and impulses to pull from. Anything else would have been needed to be learned, which he never got a chance to do.

People might argue that Kill Code, the actual code itself, was able to become a good person where Eclipse hasn’t, but I feel these two scenarios are pretty different. The fandom is really bad and doing the Trauma Olympics with these characters, which is a very bad thing to do. Comparing people’s trauma is disrespectful and just plain rude. Trauma is trauma, it still hurt someone regardless of what it was that caused it. While Eclipse and Kill Code are basically the same thing, they went through two completely separate experiences. Also, Kill Code had access to coping skills that Eclipse never had. Kill Code was still connected in some ways to Moon, where as Eclipse had been completely cut off.

Earth was the only person who ever really tried to help Eclipse, and even then she was biased. The first conversation those two really had was the first therapy episode they had together, in which she blatantly tells him he can’t be fixed before she even hears his side of the story. The only things she’s heard about Eclipse are from Sun and Moon, one who is amnesiac and the other who’s had to deal with the worst of Eclipse’s torture. The way she talks to him in this episode also shows that she thinks he can just choose what emotions he is feeling. Once again, I want to go back to the fact that Eclipse was made from Moon forcefully ripping out his kill code. He doesn’t know how to feel any other emotions. They were never programmed into him and he was never taught. Every meeting after that between those two was just Earth getting more and more fed up with Eclipse until she kind of just gave up.

(I didn’t mention Lunar trying to help Eclipse specifically because Lunar never actually did. He supported Eclipse for a bit, got fed up with the constant stress and trauma, and then became Eclipse’s enemy. There was no therapy attempt like Earth tried.)

I’m not saying Eclipse was a good person. He has only ever killed, maimed, tortured, and abused his entire life. Everyone he met was instantly shown hostility, and they had every right to return that same energy back. He did absolutely terrible things and should be held accountable for them. Being traumatized does not give anyone the right to do any of what Eclipse did.

The thing is, Eclipse did still have a chance at redemption. We’ve already canonically seen several other “bad guy” characters get redemptions. Kill Code was given a redemption arc. Lunar was given a redemption arc. Bloodmoon was killed, but both canonical characters and the fanbase believe they could have been redeemed. There is absolutely no reason that Eclipse could not also be redeemed.

I think something the fanbase doesn’t quite understand is that redemption and forgiveness do not go hand in hand. Some people feel like a step in the process of redemption is being forgiven, which isn’t true. You can be forgiven for your mistakes, but that has nothing to do with your personal growth. That someone else’s emotions entirely. Sometimes, something you did will affect someone so deeply that they will never be able to move on. As long as you are striving to be a better person and doing everything you can to achieve that, then you are redeeming yourself.

Eclipse never really seemed to want to change, but I think that’s also because he was never given the tools to do so. I think his last moments really show that he could have done better had he been given the support he so desperately needed.

Eclipse wasn’t scared of dying. He was scared of being hurt. He literally asked Solar Flare, in a very shaky tone, “Do you think it hurts?” He said himself that he was tired, and I think he was just done with the hurt. He was in a constant state of emotional turmoil and pain and he was just done.

Honestly, maybe Solar Flare summed him up perfectly. Eclipse was not a good person, by any means, but he cared. He always did. Probably too much, about things he really shouldn’t. And in the end it cost him everything.

In the end, I do feel Eclipse could have been redeemed. He may not be forgiven, but I don’t feel like he never could have changed. This is just another example of someone who went through something terrible becoming bad because they didn’t have the resources they needed to be better. It would have been hard for him, but I do feel Eclipse could have done it. Especially with how low he was during his final moments. But that’s just it. He’s dead. You can’t fix things from the grave no matter how much you wanted to.

Death will never been a good replacement over redemption.

#Ten won’t stfu #tsams #sams #the sun and moon show #sun and moon show #tsams spoilers #sams spoilers #tsams eclipse #long post

[marshmallowprotection]

Slight tw for sort of health stuff and blood mentions

GE Saeran or Ray bc...my babies...with an Mc who is sort of a Germaphobe? Recently I have this awful habit of scrubbing my hands in the sink for super long, until they crack and bleed 😭 because I have a crippling fear of getting sick, I hate it its the worst ever, I have other chronic health issues caused by covid and ever since I've been just insane about germs. It's bad but sometimes I even scrub my hands raw just after holding or playing with my dog (and I hold and love on him FREQUENTLY) I have this like contamination thing, even the slightest brush up against something I deem unclean, i'm at the sink. it's bad. My hands look so gross and are in so much pain I can hardly move them from how much I wash them.

It's a bad habit and I know it needs to be fixed. I'd love some Ray or GE comfort about it ❤️ your writing always makes me feel better.

GE Saeran knows a compulsion when he sees one.

He isn't sure how many times he would have to do something for the sake of doing it so he wouldn't feel like he was going to be punished. It doesn't matter if it didn't make sense to anybody else in the room. He had to do something to make sure that it didn't feel like the walls were going to cave in on him.

For example, one way for him to gain control in a situation is to take a cold shower.

He will always revert to doing this even as he moves forward in his healing journey, because the only thing he can think to do to stop himself from feeling negative, is to shock himself. It's definitely not the best coping mechanism in the world but it's better than some of the others and he can learn how to find a better way as he goes forward.

It might not be the same as the compulsion that you deal with for your OCD, but he understands the sentiment. Understanding some of what you're feeling, it allows him the opportunity to be able to empathize and figure out the best way to help you feel comfortable again.

Sometimes, you can't help yourself and you have to go through with the compulsion otherwise you're going to feel like the end of the world. You have to follow through until you come together again. You don't need to feel ashamed of yourself for doing all the things you need to do to feel safe.

Even though it can be very distressing to know that you shouldn't be doing this to feel better. If he does know anything, it's that telling somebody that they shouldn't be doing something and that they should feel bad about it isn't going to help them. The best way to help somebody you care about is to treat them with kindness and respect in their moments of vulnerability.

So, in what ways does he try to make things better? Well, when you need to wash your hands, he has lotion ready so they don't dry out and cause further pain. That's the last thing he ever wants you to go through. It's hard for you to navigate your comfort in the long run, but minimizing any aftershock is essential to him.

It's a small thing in the grand scheme of it all, but it's better that he is able to understand what you feel and why it's not okay to force you to change your coping mechanism when you're not ready for it. This situation needs time and care, both with a therapist to help you with immersion therapy and the support of someone you trust in your life who won't make light of your pain.

"My love, I know people want you to think this is all in your head and that you've got control over it... but, I understand this isn't something that you can stop overnight. You need to breathe and forgive yourself for the hard days... I know you'd never let me feel ashamed when the compulsions I experienced suffocated me for so long... I want to be there for you the way you were there for me."

#mod kait #ask #mystic messenger #anon #mysme #saeran choi #mysticmessenger #choi saeran #mm #ge Saeran #saeray #mm saeran #mysme saeran #saeran mysme #saeran mm #saeran mystic messenger #mystic messenger saeran #tw ocd #tw compulsion

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hey so how do you deal with your brain making more headmates than you can even keep up with?

It makes us scared that like some people who love fronting won't get a chance to anymore because like there's almost 20 of us at this point and we can't just constantly switch out or nobody will have more than like 5 mins of fronting time. Not to mention it's just generally kinda stressful like "will the brain make another headmate of this character in media we really like even though some of us haven't been able to front in weeks resulting in even less of a chance for them to front? Dunno i kinda hope not"

So I guess the question is how do I slow down the making of headmates and how do we manage to make a chance for more of us to front without constantly switching?

Oh dear, I’m afraid we don’t have an easy answer for how to slow down the making of headmates. If you are not consciously choosing to create headmates (through say, willogenic means, thoughtforms, or something else), and if your brain is splitting alters unconsciously, either as a form of neurodiversity or a result of a complex dissociative disorder, we genuinely can’t provide advice on halting this process. Alters can split for a variety of reasons, and it really can’t be controlled by any individual in the system - it’s something that happens unconsciously as a coping mechanism.

Here’s some things you can do that may help:

- seek therapy. A therapist might be able to help you pinpoint areas of stress and develop healthier coping mechanisms. In many systems, splitting may result from being overwhelmed/facing trauma, so learning how to cope with these events may help prevent new headmates from forming.

- you can also learn coping skills on your own, without therapy. Practice grounding/reorienting, figure out what helps you feel safe, and avoid what makes you overwhelmed. If you notice you’re splitting new headmates in particular situations, try to avoid those or think of better ways to cope in the moment.

- have an inner-meeting to see who is most capable of handling stress, and see if they can front during difficult times. If stronger headmates front in overwhelming moments, it may help keep the brain from deeming a split necessary.

Our host also struggles with the fact that there are so many of us inside; he has moments when he worries he’ll never be able to front again. The plight for individual agency and autonomy is not lost on us - every headmate likely wants and deserves to front in order to make their own decisions in the real world.

(We haven’t tried it) but some systems create a fronting schedule, which allows other headmates to rotate in and out throughout the week. Maybe something like this would be beneficial for your system? Additionally, divvying up tasks between headmates may ensure that others can front in order to take care of the body and have some quality fronting time.

Our system has a gatekeeper (or system manager) who has the final say on who fronts. She is able to facilitate switches, and has been a great help in ensuring no one headmate fronts longer than the rest, and allowing those who don’t front often to front when they like. Does your system have a member who fits this role? If so, could you ask them to help in facilitating switches so other members can be afforded time to front?

We hope something here proves to be beneficial for you and your system. Our apologies for not having better advice! Regardless, we wish you and your system peace, harmony, and cooperation in the future.

🖋 Cecil and 🌸 Margo

#splitting #coping skills #system management #long post

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I won against my abuser in court recently!!! and before the court date I literally attempted sui with this whole full proof plan I’d be dead so I wouldn’t have to see my abuser, having my sui plan fail, going to the hospital and being in the psych ward for 3 weeks.

It was actually a pretty good experience in the psych ward even though I hear different, everyone was super nice (couple of really weird people but hey you know it’s a psych ward).

I learned about a lot of new therapies while in there I can utilize and when I’m done with IOP I’m starting more trauma therapies. I especially want to do EMDR, IFS, hypnotherapy, other stuff I made a list and have already done about 3 types of therapies for traumas if I’m ready to delve into triggering stuff I can do EMDR, but they warned me I may not be ready yet because the traumas are still fresh. I am doing shadow work which I started months ago but I’m getting back into it again I hear a lot of good things.

Im feeling better than ever and I’m on mood stabilizers and I’m feeling pretty on top of the world. So strange how before the psych ward I was so fucked up and dealing with the traumas and tried to kms, and now here I am and my anxiety is almost all gone. So strange the difference. I mean I still gotta deal with CPTSD and flashbacks but I learned ways to manage everything better.

Things can get better and it’s not a cliche it’s the truth to anybody reading. You’re all worth it and you’re all loved. And FVCK your abusers because you’re better than them and you’re a GOOD human being.

Hi anon,

I'm sorry to hear about your attempt, but I'm so glad to hear that you won against your abuser in court!

While there definitely are valid horror stories out there, psych wards are there to help you, and my sister has positive experiences there as well. I'm glad that you could find some coping mechanisms and other tools through your experience there.

I've heard great things about EMDR, IFS, and shadow work. I hope that your exploration of these modalities can help you further in your recovery. I'm also just happy to hear that you're feeling better than ever. Healing isn't linear and so you will have your setbacks, but it's good knowing you're at this point in your recovery.

Thank you for sharing the positive affirmations! Hope you have a wonderful evening. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw sui #positivity

[ina-nis]

Hi! I think you've mentioned you don't deal with anxiety or low self-worth in AvPD (sorry, if I'm misremembering). Could you describe what that experience is like? I'm working on those myself, but it's hard for me to imagine having AvPD without those. Thank you for your time.

That's right, yes. It might have to do with the fact that I've been in therapy for a long time (huge TL;DR [sorry!] in the last paragraph if you don't feel like reading all this).

I have always had low self-esteem caused by long-term trauma.

I used to be an extremely anxious, nervous person because I was under a lot of stress constantly. Of course, I also had really bad social anxiety, lost opportunities because I couldn't get a phone call, almost failed school because I wouldn't get into group projects or talk in front of the class. I spent several years just struggling that way since I was scared of going to therapy but eventually I had to do it because I was too suicidal.

I've been in therapy for years, doing different treatments and approaches, on and off.

I started treating depression. I had some exposure for social anxiety due to job-related things, I have done DBT and it has great coping skills for crisis, I came out as trans and that helped with my self-esteem, I left many stressors behind and moved elsewhere.

I still experience anxiety and social anxiety nowadays but mainly by dissociating. It feels like my brain is using a less "destructive" coping mechanism, because I'm not as nervous or stressed out as before, since I'm in a safer place.

I still experience self-esteem issues too, but I have learned to be more gentle with myself, to stop comparisons and just be more patient with me in general.

One part of the treatment is internal. I had to treat my other mental illnesses too, just dealing with anxiety didn't do much, it would just come back over and over. Everything is connected and treating one leads to another.

The other part is environmental/external, but that can be harder to tackle since it might require actual, physical changes: be it a place or your body.

On my journey to diagnose AvPD I did stumble upon anxieties and it was confusing at first, but I experience these disorders in completely different ways: AvPD is more about avoidance and self-isolation, and fear of rejection itself; while anxiety is more situational. My fear of being alone forever has nothing to do with anxiety, it feels much more visceral. Also, anxiety feels much more personal and "mine" while AvPD feels more interpersonal and "ours", I have "my" things but not "our" things between me and others.

Best of luck with dealing with these issues and if anything, time will help you tremendously! Even if it's not possible to get therapy or leave a bad situation, it's still possible to decrease your anxiety by using many different skills, takes time and patience. For your self-esteem and worth, you have to learn to like yourself. I'm afraid there's not many ways around it, enhance what you already enjoy and change what you dislike (but don't get too hung up on "dislikes", you can find many good things about yourself and spend your energy there instead).

TL;DR: your self-worth, anxiety and other things might be all linked together:

Get professional help if at all possible (it can be done on your own, just harder and slower);

Figure out where these feelings are coming from (usually stuff in your childhood);

Exposure does work. It's great for social anxiety (but if you don't have a sense of getting better, you might need to work on other areas of your life/mental health);

DBT skills (you can do that without therapy, they're great for anxiety crisis);

Figuring yourself out helps with self-esteem (who are you? Who do you want to be? What do you like? Basically become obsessed with yourself and find out how cool/smart/talented/beautiful/etc you are/can be);

Your self-worth starts when you start putting yourself first, be "selfish" and be bold, it takes practice but it can be done and you'll thank yourself later;

Comorbidity can make things harder but it's possible to address things separately and at whatever pace you can, you'll get where you need to be;

Environmental/external factors have a bigger impact than people think (you might need to literally move out of a bad situation or cut toxic/abusive people out of your life, among other things), it's probably one of the hardest things to pull off.

#ask #anonymous

[eggxdragoon]

I'm definitely without a doubt seriously detrimentally major depressive just like I've known my mother to be diagnosed as all my life too- and that's actually why I forget how not normal and fucked up it is to feel like I do every day of my life until I remember how much better everyone else feels than me and functions than me better in general

I've never told any doctors or therapists just how bad it really is, about my worst feelings and experiences and coping mechanisms to the point it's too much to even begin but I also don't really know what good it'd do. I'm considering at least getting back into therapy after years and being more open this time so people can see I try what I can

but I'm kind of worried because I know they'll be sure to offer antidepressants immediately just like how my mother is on an extremely high dose. I know they can't make me do what I don't want to but I'd never be able to accept them because if I got any of some certain common side effects it'd actually be what finally tips me over the edge

I'm really just not up for explaining to them all the reasons why and them likely thinking I'm deluded or being tricked into refusing help when these are careful decisions I've made with many reasons and it could affect or even take away some of the only things that does still manage to keep me here or worsen things that almost bring me not to and I can't have that. I just hope I won't be pressured

I don't know how much good therapy will do with a chemical imbalance as bad as this but fuck it I'm still trying to get myself to try it again for the first time in years. because I'm guessing in the least it'll help me process and learn to deal with a lot of the fucked up shit I've been through throughout life better if I properly open up this time

#vent #suicide mention