#(there is medication that helps with depersonalization and derealization)

[it-is-only-a-novel]

Neurodivergent: a list

A list of those who are included under the "neurodivergent" label.

Applied Neurodiversity

Dyscalculia

Dysgraphia

Dyslexia

Dysnomia

Dyspraxia

Dissociative disorders

Depersonalization-derealization disorder (DpDr)

Dissociative amnesia

Dissociative identity disorder (DID)

Other specified dissociative disorder (OSDD)

Unspecified dissociative disorder

Eating disorders:

Anorexia nervosa

Avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID)

Binge-eating disorder

Bullimia nervosa

Pica

Mental illnesses:

Anxiety

Delusional disorder

Depression

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD)

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Personality Disorders:

Cluster A:

Paranoid personality disorder

Schizoid personality disorder

Schizotypal personality disorder

Cluster B:

Antisocial personality disorder

Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

Histrionic personality disorder (HPD)

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)

Cluster C:

Avoidant personality disorder

Dependent personality disorder

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder

Other:

Personality change due to another medical condition

Personality disorder not otherwise specified (PD-NOS)

personality disorder trait specified (PD-TS)

Tic disorder

Chronic motor or vocal tic disorder

Tourette syndrome

Transient tic disorder

other

Acquired Brain Injuries (ABI)

Angelmans Syndrome

Auditory processing disorder

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD)

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)

Body integrity identity disorder (BIID)

Bipolar disorder

Depersonalization-derealization disorder (DPDR)

Down syndrome

Fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD)

Fragile X syndrome

Hyperlexia

Intellectual disability

Irlen Syndrome

Meares-Irlen Syndrome

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

Obsessive love disorder (OLD)

Pediatric autoimmune neuropsychiatric disorders associated with streptococcal infections (PANDAS)

Prader-Willi Syndrome (PWS)

Prosopagnosia

Savant Syndrome

Schizophrenia

Synesthesia

Williams Syndrome/Williams Beuren Syndrome

This is by no means a full list.

If you: see that I'm missing something, or

want me to rephrase something, or

have a resource to share, or

have a suggestion for organizing the list

please let me know in the comments/rebloggs.

I'm autistic and I love making lists. I also hope it may help spread awareness about neurodivergent people!

I am not an expert. But I do believe that we should be careful to include people in the neurodivergent umbrella. We are stronger together.

Updated: 9/2/24

#neurodivergent #personality disorder #npd #bpd #hpd #autism #adhd #intellectual disability #down syndrome #schizophrenia #schizoid #depression #anxiety #ptsd #cptcd #dysgraphia #dysnomia #dyscalculia #dyslexia #paranoid personality disorder #Antisocial personality disorder #ocd #abi #biid #did #bipolar disorder #tourette syndrome

[chronicallycouchbound]

Guide to interacting with people with psychosis spectrum disorders and psychotic symptoms

If someone who has psychotic symptoms is talking to you about their hallucinations or delusions, do not suggest:

That they are inherently violent or dangerous Why: Statistically, people with psychosis are more likely to be victims of violence, not perpetrators. They are more likely to be killed by police than people without mental illnesses.

That their hallucinations are actually reality and everyone else can’t experience it Why: this can cause further dissonance between reality for the person, especially if they’re actively experiencing symptoms. It can lead to derealization and depersonalization, and exasperate or trigger hallucinations and/or delusions.

That they are a prophet, god, all powerful, etc. Why: along with the above reason of causing further separation from reality, many people with psychotic spectrum disorders experience delusions, one common type of delusion is called delusions of grandeur, which is a specific delusion around perceiving oneself or one’s accomplishments as greatness or of higher status than others. This specific delusion can be dangerous because it can lead to the person believing that they are immune to consequences, including physical harm to oneself. By affirming beliefs of the person being god-like, it can trigger or exasperate this delusion. This is especially common with people who have Bipolar type 1 with psychotic features and they are in manic states.

That they should just meditate Why: Meditation often isn’t safe for people with psychosis! Studies show that unguided meditation is especially risky, because without focusing on reality, people with psychotic symptoms are more likely to have hallucinations, or have depersonalization/derealization.

That you can see/hear it too, when you can’t/lying to agree with their hallucinations Why: This will absolutely exasperate symptoms, also it’s lying and is wrong and a genuinely horrible thing to do. This one should be obvious.

That they should just use cannabis or other psychoactive drugs Why: THC and other psychoactive compounds, can trigger psychotic episodes in people who have or are predisposed to psychosis, and trigger anxiety and hallucinations, which can exasperate symptoms. That being said, individual experiences may differ greatly, and they may be able to use psychoactive substances with no issues, but to suggest it as a cure-all or without a proper understanding of its possible negative side effects can be dangerous. Also, many antipsychotics and other psychiatric medications interact with many psychoactive drugs, so it’s important to know if it’s physically safe for them to use both at once.

Things you can say/do instead!

When actively experiencing symptoms/episodes:

Maintain a calm and steady tone of voice, don’t yell.

Explain what you’re doing before you do it, and try to avoid sudden movements which can scare or jump someone

If they have an action plan, follow it. I also urge you to remember that they’re scared right now. They likely don’t want to hurt anyone, but they’re terrified. Find ways to be safe, preferably that don’t involve police (there are lots of statistics around why this is unhelpful and can be dangerous)

“I understand that you feel scared right now, let’s find ways to be safe through this.” Be supportive! Psychotic symptoms are similar to symptoms of any other mental illnesses, when someone is depressed or anxious, we often reach out with kindness, remember that people with psychosis also need that compassion and consideration.

“We are at [location], I am [name] we are [relationship to person], we are safe” Talking about reality can be really helpful, most people with symptoms need some guidance around basic understandings of reality, affirming what is real can help them distinguish what is and isn’t. An important note, reality checks can sometimes be more harmful than helpful. Usually, a person who needs a reality check will just ask the questions: “Who are you?”, “Where are we?”, Etc.

Sometimes, doing reasonable things to help them feel safer is necessary to help them calm down enough that they stop having severe symptoms. For example, someone who is afraid that people are watching them might want to cover windows and lock doors, help them create a safe space for them mentally by doing that. Some requests might be a bit odd, but harmless, like putting salt in the doorways so demons can’t get in, you can do that, or find alternatives to help them feel safe. It’s important to try to create this safe space while also affirming reality.

Try not to focus on the specific hallucination, but rather on their feelings, for example instead of talking about the demons or details about the demons, talk about their feelings about the demons, and how you can make them feel safer. It can help them feel secure to have someone in reality helping them stay safe while they cope with these scary symptoms.

Ask permission before touching, consent is particularly important for people with psychosis, we are often stripped of our right to consent while in episodes.

Offer snacks, stuffed animals, or other comfort items

When talking about their experiences, diagnosis, or when not in episodes:

Ask how you can be supportive, both in and outside of episodes, some people need help with remembering medications, or someone to call when they’re scared and having symptoms. Sometimes it just helps to be able to explain what they’re going through and have someone just listen. They know their needs best.

Help them come up with a crisis/safety plan for when they have episodes, it can literally save their life, or at least make it more manageable and sometimes less scary.

Check on them if they seem off, have life changes, or are isolating.

Learn their warning signs and help them stay safe before they have episodes, and hopefully prevent them from happening or being more unmanageable.

Offer to do reality checks if that's something that helps them

Offer to do medication reminders ( if you're able to)

I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 with Psychosis when I was 18. I have many psychotic symptoms including hallucinations, delusions, derealization, and depersonalization. This was written from my own experiences, research, and recommendations from providers. I highly recommend seeking out more information and experiences about psychosis to gain a more comprehensive understanding of it. No guide is one-size-fits-all, and this is definitely incomplete in many ways, but hopefully, this provides some insight or education for you.

#chronically couchbound #guides #disability #disabled #psychosis #schizophrenia #bipolar #mad rights #actually psychotic #psychotic disorders #mania #hallucinations #delusions #bipolar mania #bipolar disorder #manic depression #mental health #mental illness #mad studies #madcrip #mad pride #anti psychotics #psychotic spectrum disorders #bipolar 1 #schizoaffective #schizo spectrum #schizophrenic #how to support #crazy #actually manic

[compassionatereminders]

Have you ever felt like you don't exist? And I don't mean "I feel ignored,I feel lonely"

I can't word it good enough so this is from google:

"Depersonalization-derealization disorder occurs when you always or often feel that you're seeing yourself from outside your body or you sense that things around you are not real — or both. Feelings of depersonalization and derealization can be very disturbing."

I FELT LIKE THIS EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER. Even at age 6, 7... I can't remember how I felt before that age but it's so... weird, such an odd feeling. It's like life is not happening to me.

I KNOW I AM REAL. But I don't feel like I'm real. It doesn't make sense really.

And I keep waiting and waiting till I'll feel the feeling I'm alive but it never happens. It's like I'm not real. My dreams sometimes feel more real than my real life... but I know what reality is so it's not like I don't know just I don't feel that...

And I'm sad because one day I will die yet I never felt alive... which makes me think my life is pointless and I'm useless.

And it saddens me because I will most likely never experience a feeling of being real. I want to know how it feels like. But I also don't want to go to shrink and be on medications (if there are even medications for that). It also says online that no medicine has been proven to effectively treat depersonalization-derealization disorder.

I feel like I'm depressed too but not depressed like people who are truly very depressed.

I have dealt with this in some capacity, yes, although not to this degree. And one thing I know about which has helped others through similar experiences is to stop asking yourself "is this real?"/try to stop obsessing over whether it FEELS real and instead turn you focus onto whether something feels good or bad, is constructive or harmful, entertaining or boring, etc. Because as someone else on tumblr once put it: "Even a fake milkshake can taste good!"

#chat with kat #unreality tw #psychosis tw

[mooshroomsys]

DID/OSDD Glossary

These definitions are all just what I understand of them. I am not a medical professional, just a system posting stuff for systems. I'm definintely not the first person to do this, but this is mostly just for me personally, as most dictionaries/glossaries pertaining to osddid aren't the most helpful for me. These are terms that we as a system often use, and that may be good educational material for singlets. I didn't put in any controversial terms (I believe), because I'm not well educated on them. Some definitions were taken from this very helpful dictionary, make sure to check that out too as it has even more terms!

A lot of text is after the break.

Aa

Age Regression - A coping mechanism that both singlets and systems are capable of. The brain regresses back to a younger stage of life in an attempt to relieve stress. Often involuntary.

Age Slider - Someone who's perception of their age changes. They can regress (feel younger) and/or progress (feel older).

Alter - A part of the system. Each alter is a unique individual inside of one collective body.

Amnesia - Memory loss, which can have many different causes and can be seen in many different forms. (See: Emotional Amnesia, Grayout). In DID, there's often amnesia between different alters.

Archivist - See Historian

Bb

Blurry - The experience of not knowing which alter is fronting--the current fronter not knowing who they are. This could be because they are a new alter, or they are in a depersonalized state.

Cc

Caregiver / Caretaker -  (1.) An alter who's role is to take care of other alters in the system, often older alters taking care of littles. (We personally use "caregiver" for this term so as not to be confused with the other definition). (2) An alter who's role is to take care of the body and perform tasks of self care. (We personally use "caretaker" for this definition)

Co-Consciousness / Co-Fronting - When two alters are in control of the body and interacting with the world. Oftentimes one alter is more "in front" than another, but both are actively present and in most systems are capable of communicating with each other.

Consciousness - To be "there" and actively attentive the the world. In DID/OSDD, an alter can be unconscious while another is conscious, and the conscious alter is thought of as the one fronting.

Collective - Alternate term for system

Communications Manager - A term that likely only we use for one of our alters who manages communication between alters and made it possible for us to hear each other and interact more easily. See Internal Self Helper.

Cross-Gender - An alter who's gender is different from the one assigned to the body.

Dd

Depersonalization - Detatchment from oneself, described as feeling like a 3rd-Person observer of one's own life. Can also be a state of blurriness and not knowing who one is.

Derealization - When the world around someone is foggy/seemingly unreal. Experiences feel altered and warped. 

Dissociation - A mental disconnection from the world that can result in the loss of time, memory, thoughts. etc. 

Dissociative Amnesia - Memory gaps involving the inability to recall important personal information that wouldn't typically be forgotten, often due to a state of dissociation.

Dissociative Identity DIsorder (DID) - A trauma-based disorder that is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct identity states that can take control at different times and experience varying amounts of amnesia between switches. 

Dormancy - When an alter is in an inactive state, unable to front or communicate with others. Can be thought of as a nap or break, though dormancy can possibly be permanent.

Driving - Another word for fronting.

Ee

Emotional Amnesia - Inability to associate emotions with certain events, having memory of an event but having no personal emotions connected to it. Another alter may hold those emotions if they experienced the event.

Ff

Faceclaim - The way an alter percieves themself in the innerworld.

Factive - An alter who's based on a real life person, because that person carries traits that could be helpful to the system.

Fictive - An alter who's based on a fictional character, because that character carries traits that could be helpful to the system.

Fronting - When an alter is in control of the body and actively interacting with the world.

Frontlocked - When an alter feels stuck fronting, and can't seem to switch out even if they'd like to.

Fusion - When two or more alters fuse into one. Final Fusion is a newer term used to describe all alters in a system fusing into one individual to become a singlet.

Gg

Gatekeeper - An alter that controls switching or access to the front.

Hh

Headmate - Another word for alter.

Historian - An alter who has access to all memories in detail, but they may often have emotional amnesia.

Host - An alter that fronts much more often than others and often takes care of day-to-day tasks. There can be multiple hosts in a system.

Ii

Innerworld / Headspace - Both singlets and systems can have innerworlds, but it's not guarunteed for either. The internal world is used as a place where alters are thought to be when not fronting, and where they can all interact with each other. The fronting alter can sometimes visit the headspacen through meditation or dreams. Innerworlds can be as small as a few rooms to as big as mutiple universes, it all depends on the system.

Integration - When alters reduce barriers between each other. This is overall a helpful thing for the alters and improves communication.

Internal Mapper / Scout - An alter that explores and maps out out the system's innerworld. 

Internal Self-Helper - An alter with an extensive understanding of different alters and how they work together, and other systematic knowledge. They work to maintin the stability of the system, and usually don't front.

Introject - An alter who's faceclaim, name, personality, and/or role is representative or an outside source. Not all introjects are very similar to their source, though some can be. Fictives and Factives are two kinds of introjects.

Jj

N/A

Kk

N/A

Ll

Little - An alter who's age is considered very young / a child alter. Usually considered to be 10 or younger.

Mm

Masking - When an alter acts differently, and more like how an oblivious person would expect the so-called "main personality" to act; see Presenting Self

Multiplicity / Multiple - To be plural, another way of being a system. To be multiple is to collectively, as a system, have multiple identities.

Nn

NPC - "Non-Playable Character" - a filler person in the innerworld, serving a mundane purpose. Not an actual alter. 

Oo

Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD) - Dissociative disorder with multiple subtypes. Considered to be "almost DID," as it meets almost all critera to be DID.

OSDD-1a - Alters are all quite similar, often being different ages or "modes" of the same person. Amnesia is often experienced

OSDD-1b - Distinct alters that don't experience amnesia between switches (can experience emotional amnesia). 

Pp

Part - Another word for alter; a member of the system.

Partial DID - Disorder that is like DID, but one alter is dominant and normally functions. Other less dominant alters may front at times, but their executive control is limited and short-lived.

Passive Influence - An unintentional effect on thoughts, emotions, or actions of an alter who is fronting from one or more alters not fronting.

Persecutor - An alter who is known to cause harm to the system and others around them. The negative behavior isn't always on purpose, and is often just the effect of the alter being hurt by trauma. 

Personality - Outdated term for alter, no longer used because of connotations leading people to incorrectly believe that alters are less than people.

Plural - Another word for multiple/to be a system.

Polyfragmanted - Commonly used to describe a system with a large number of alters (50/100+). Also used to describe systems that may have a lower stress tolerance, mass splititng, subsystems, complex internal worlds, etc.

Presenting Self - (1)The so-called "main personality" that alters attempt to act as, trying to convince others of being a singlet. (2)The alter that presents itself to the system's medical proffesional/therapist.

Protector - An alter whose role is to protect the system and each alter. There are many different kinds: Emotional, physical, internal, etc.

Pseudomemories - Basically fake memories. Things that an alter (fictive or not) can recall despite them never happening. Not system-specific, I believe, but our osdd has caused some pseudomemories so we thought it would be nice to put.

PTSD/C-PTSD - [Complex] Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a disorder in which a person has difficulty recovering after experiencing a traumatic event. They can be triggered into having flashbacks of events, and this can include physical and/or emotional reactions. DID/OSDD is often connected to this due to both being disorders that result in trauma.

Qq

N/A

Rr

N/A

Ss

Selective Mutism - A severe anxiety disorder where a person is unable to speak in certain social situations. Some alters could be selectively mute while others are not.

Singlet - Someone who is not a system, and whose personality states all merged normally. They do not share a body with any other identities, and function without alters.

Split - When the collective is facing a large overwhelming situation/trigger (stress, memories, traumatic events, dissociation, etc.) and to deal with it and function again, a new alter(s) splits off. This is involuntary. 

Subsystem - Used to describe a group of alters within a system. 

Switch - When an alter switches out with another alter, changing who is fronting.

System - A term for all of the alters collectively in one body/mind.

Tt

Therian / Nonhuman - Someone who is aware of being in a human body, but who feels connected and like an animal in every other way, and will behave like one. Alters can be animals or hybrids, and their faceclaims can reflect this. 

Trauma - A very distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an individual and stunts their functionability until they can recover and work through it (not get rid of, trauma can not be disposed of, only coped with).

Trauma Holder - An alter who holds memories and is attatched to trauma that may have caused a split or the initial forming of the disorder.

Trigger - (1) Anything that can set off any thoughts that can disturb a person or bring them back to some part of a traumatic experience. (2) Anything that sets off any kinds of thoughts, depending on if the trigger is positive or negative. Causes for an emotional and sometimes physiscal response from whoever is being triggered. (3) In DID/OSDD, a trigger can cause a certain alter to front, whether it be positive or negative. 

Uu

Unspecified Dissociative Disorder (UDD) - flexible diagnosis either meaning: (1)A temporary diagnosis for when an exact diagnosis is unknown or can't be said a the time. (2) Disorder with many OSDD/DID criteria but not actually fitting into any category

#osdd system #osddid #dissociative identity disorder #other specified dissociative disorder #osdd #system stuff #system resources #multiplicity #informational #osdd 1b #did osdd #plural system #plurality #actually plural #plural community

[big-boah]

Autistic Thing of the day:

Autistic Catatonia 😵

I made a TikTok on this too with the same info (link here!)

I wanted to talk about autistic catatonia, which isn’t something I’d heard about until I researched it on my own. When I brought it up to my doctor, she said it made perfect sense.

Autistic catatonia affects, at minimum, about ten percent of autistic people. And the best way I can describe it is “getting stuck.”

I’ve dealt with this my entire life, I plan to do something, or respond to someone, and my mind goes blank and I just can’t move. If I fight it, my anxiety goes through the roof. I can’t talk or respond, only maybe stim a little or communicate using eye contact or eye gaze. For me, it can last anywhere from a few seconds to several hours.

Unfortunately, my bodily functions still continue when I’m stuck, so I have to be guided to the bathroom, need help in the shower, and kept out of harm’s way. My partner and I both have ADHD and have a similar thing happen but can still kind of move even if it's difficult, but that’s more executive dysfunction.

This is also a little different than derealization and depersonalization in that most people still feel entirely like themselves when these episodes happen, your inside mentality is the same. I can carry on commentary in my head during these episodes and I feel like I'm myself, just stuck.

Being catatonic is almost like every cell in my body is frozen in time. I know what’s going on around me, but my brain just can’t make that connection and that spark of purposeful movement doesn’t make it outside of my own mind. I wish there was a better way to explain it.

A lot of autistic people experience this differently. Some people have this and believe it's a shutdown (which is a little different because in shutdowns usually you can communicate.)

People with mild catatonia may feel like they've "gone nonverbal" and also feel physically stuck, although others can assist you to move if needed.

A lot of people have this experience when they're frightened of experiencing high levels of overstimulation. I've always said it's like my brain pressed pause on my life, because I wouldn't.

If you know someone who goes through something like this, make sure they stay safe, hydrated, and make sure to check in on them even if they don't respond. I like when my partner acts like nothing’s up, he will just hang out with me there. Some people like touch when they get stuck while others don’t. This can happen no matter what your support need level is in general. This actually happens often enough where it increases my support need level, I need to be supervised anyway. 😅

Once I realized this was a feature of my autism, I was able to come up with a plan with my loved ones because it happens about 2-3 times a week. Ever since I started taking ADHD meds it happens less, and research has found that benzo medications can actually prevent this from happening and help the episodes. Research needs to catch up to the rest of us on this one!

But if you experience this or periods of hyperactivity where you also feel like you can't interact with others on your own command, it may be autistic catatonia.

Hopefully this helps someone! 🤟🏻

#actually autistic #autism #autistic catatonia #catatonia #neurodivergent #adhd #audhd #ptsd #autistic thing of the day #dan.posts #autistic #autism things #autistic adult #high support needs #actually disabled

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hey, we wanted to ask a question. What's the difference between a system with DID/OSDD caused from childhood trauma and a system cause by trauma not from early childhood?

We ask this because we only recently found out that we're a system but is unsure whether it was caused by the trauma from our teen to early adult years or from our childhood. We feel like our childhood trauma wasn't repeated and damaging enough to make us a system while our teen to adulthood trauma was more severe. Though we will say both still affects us a lot

cdd = complex dissociative disorder (encompassing did and osdd specifically)

hey, this is tricky because honestly did/osdd could look quite similarly to disordered, traumagenic plurality that isn’t a complex dissociative disorder. as far as we know, both of these instances of multiplicity could result in dissociation, disconnection, identity alteration, ptsd symptoms, depersonalization/derealization, amnesia, etc.

the biggest difference that we can think of is that cdds form while a child’s brain and personality is still developing. we’re not sure if dissociative barriers between system members can happen in traumagenic, non-cdd plurality. if it can happen, it’s likely not going to be as pronounced or complex and the barriers not as strong as a system whose parts formed in early childhood.

this is mainly because, as we understand, children are way way less equipped to effectively handle or process trauma than adults or even teens. with little to no life experience, and often with facing abuse or trauma from someone they have to rely on, kids who develop a cdd are incapable of handling the trauma that they experienced. we really love the ctad clinic’s youtube explanation on how did forms - we think it explains this really well. here it is:

that’s not to say that folks with disordered traumagenic plurality never faced more than they can handle - this could happen to anyone at any age. but for those who develop cdds, chronic, overwhelming trauma that occurs before their brains have developed personalities or a solid sense of self may end up causing their dissociative disorders to be, well, complex.

of course, we’re not a therapist or medical professional, so you should take our words with a grain of salt. but these are our thoughts on this, anyway. we’d seriously encourage y’all to seek professional advice or talk to a therapist if you’re able to - they could definitely help y’all more than we ever could!

#trauma #traumagenic #cdd #complex dissociative disorder #dissociative identity disorder #did osdd

[howaboutcastiel]

I’ve been Angry and Sad

Summary: (6) Steven is grieving his mum, and finds himself back in Dr. Harrow’s office. FWMS Masterlist 

Word Count: 7.2k

Content: Medical talk, talk of being drugged (like in the show). Grief, medical terms. Derealization. Verbal abuse. Depersonalization a little. Use of ableist language. A little bit of allusion to SH and to canon-typical violence. It’s also sweet in spite of that. Is it stupid? Yes. Is it angsty? Yes. Would I eat this shit up if someone else wrote it? Also yes. Enjoy. 

“Steven? Are you listening to me?”

The voice was muffled as it made its way through Steven’s head. It had happened again—he had found himself somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be, with no recollection of how he arrived there. He thought that this wouldn’t happen anymore. He and Marc had sorted it all out, right? They passed the body to each other gracefully. There wasn’t supposed to be any more confusion. No more lost time, no more mystery destinations. By that metric, he should have known exactly where he was. 

So where the hell was he?

Steven tried retracing his steps. Surely he could remember if only he could think straight. What was the last thing he did? Who was the last person he spoke to? He thought back to the start of his day—he’d been sorting his library out…

“Where the bloody hell did I put that pamphlet?” He muttered aloud as he pulled another stack of books onto the floor to organize. Steven had finally promised to go through his collection and pack some things away. Or…at least put things back on the shelves where they belonged. 

Now, though, he was searching for the psychiatrists’ pamphlet that HR had given him the day he was fired from the museum. Marc refused to talk to a doctor—aggressively, violently refused—but Steven assured him that he would change his mind if only he’d look at the nice posh faces on the slip of paper. 

“I’m sure that I used it as a bookmark in one of these textbooks…” 

He dug through the half-read books on his desk, pulling every type of paper from sticky notes to unused Kleenex from the pages that he’d marked for later. No pamphlet. He kept going, dead set on proving to Marc that therapy wasn’t the tortuous ordeal he’d been convinced of. The last book in the stack was a history textbook on the ancient Mayans. He pressed his finger against the tiny bump in the pages, opening the text to the page where his placeholder was. 

It was a polaroid. Faded, worn. A picture of Steven—or probably Marc—at his bar mitzvah. His dad on his right, and…

His mother, on his left. Smile wider than ever. 

He didn’t expect the photo to have the effect on him that it did. It was just a photograph, wasn’t it? One that he’d seen a million times before. But it was different now. This was the first time he’d actually seen her since… well… 

Steven was gasping for air before he knew it. He hadn’t seen his mother in months. He would never see her again, either. His mother was gone. Dead. He would never hear her voice, never see her face again. He couldn’t call her when he got lost or when he was having a bad day at work. She would only live now in his memories, ones that he couldn’t even trust to be real. How many of his interactions with her were even real? 

“Steven?”

He didn’t remember anything after that. He should be in his flat, then, shouldn’t he? He should be staring at that polaroid. The voice was clearer this time and Steven tried to focus on it. The lights were too bright, the noise too far away. 

“I know this is hard, Steven,” He recognized that voice. That grating voice, “but it’s been so long since we’ve spoken to each other. You came to me asking for help, do you remember? I want to help you, but I can’t help anyone who won’t help themselves.”

Yes, he definitely recognized it.

“Dr. Harrow?”

Steven’s eyes focused for a moment. It stung, but the image was clear as day. White brick. Glass table. Arthur Harrow with a mustache and glasses. “That’s right, Steven. We have an appointment. Are you ready to talk to me?”

“I don’t… remember…” He blinked a few more times, trying to ground himself. Dr. Harrow wasn’t real. He knew he wasn’t. He was sure of it. So then, why was he also certain that he was sitting in front of him now? If he tried, Steven could reach out and touch him. Couldn’t he?

Did he even know what was real anymore?

Harrow continued as if he’d gotten an affirmation. “In our last session, you told me that Khonshu had finally stopped talking to you. Has he still been absent from your life since the last time we spoke? And what about the new character—what was her name…Taweret? You had some interesting things to say about her, particularly concerning her new relationship with Marc’s ex-wife.”

Not ex-wife, you donut. WIFE. 

“No…that’s not what I want—” Steven felt like his tongue was cotton. Had he been drugged? He felt the faint sting of a wound on his neck. Was he imagining that, too? Or had the nurses injected him with something? His limbs were heavier than lead. He must have been drugged. “I want to talk about—something—not that—”

“With all due respect, Steven, I think that it’s best that you let me guide our sessions—”

“—My mum.”

Dr. Harrow stopped speaking long enough to take in those two words. His eyebrows raised, but his expression was patronizing more than it was curious. Steven tried to swallow around his dry tongue. 

“I want to talk about my mum.”

“And what about her?” There was venom in his voice. Well-concealed, but there all the same underneath the veil of patience. Steven felt his blood run cold. “She’s dead, isn’t she?”

What kind of doctor—?

Steven opened his mouth to speak. To yell, actually. Of course she was dead. That’s why he wanted to talk about her. But the moment he tried to make noise, Steven realized he was no longer in the office. He gasped for air, opening his eyes to find himself on the floor of his flat. 

“What the fuck?!” He blurted, bringing his hands to his chest to press against his heart. The cotton was gone from his mouth, as was the weight in his limbs. His face was wet with tears.

“You with me?” Marc chimed. Steven glanced around the room, making sure he was really there. He was there, right? It certainly felt real. But just a second ago, he was somewhere else. And that had felt real, too. 

Steven shook his head. “What just happened?”

“Dunno, buddy,” Marc hummed, “you tell me. You pulled that picture out of the book and had a…a panic attack or something. You gave me the body.”

“I did?” He rose shakily to his feet. “I didn’t mean to.”

“I guess it was just too much. That’s what we’re here for, right? To take over when things get too much.”

Steven furrowed his brow. He made his way back to his desk. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“What’re you doing?” Marc asked, watching from behind as Steven pulled his laptop from the drawer and turned it on. 

“I just,” Steven paused to type in his password. “I want to look something up.”

Marc didn’t even try to hide his concern. “Are you okay? Did something happen that I don’t know about?”

“I don’t really know,” he admitted. “And… I don’t really know. Do you remember Dr. Harrow’s office?”

“Wh—yeah. Did you go there? What happened?”

“Again, I don’t know.”

The computer took a few moments to boot up, both because the building’s wifi was shit and because the laptop was on its last leg anyway. It had been considered an out-of-date model even before the Blip. Both Marc and Steven could feel how their nerves were on-edge. Steven tapped his fingers anxiously on the desk.

“What are you looking up, bud?” Marc prodded. 

“I’m gonna find out what the hell’s wrong with us.”

“You—what?”

Steven was as flustered as Marc had ever seen him. “Marc, don’t pretend you’re not curious. Something is wrong with us. Starting—starting with the fact that there’s an ‘us’ in the first place! We’re sharing a body! Not to mention, five minutes ago I thought I was in an office with a sociopath dressed like Ned fucking Flanders—”

“Okay, buddy. Calm down.”

Steven wasn’t calm. “That’s not normal, Marc. We’re not normal.”

“I know. I know! I need you not to freak out, Steven.”

Steven took a deep breath as the computer finally loaded. He thought about the fact that none of this was new to Marc. It was only new to him. No wonder Marc was so calm about it. He tapped his fingers some more, using his other hand to pull up a search tab. 

He sighed. “What’s wrong with us, Marc?”

“You want a list?” He chuckled humorlessly. Steven’s breath evened. 

“Do you have one?” It hadn’t occurred to him that Marc would have a name for any of this. He didn’t seem like the type of man to seek a diagnosis. 

“Well, I don’t know. If I can remember… some of it, at least. Let’s see,” Steven was stunned as Marc took a moment to think about it. “I know that it’s not called multiple personalities anymore… that’s what dad called it, though…”

“Dad knew?”

Marc avoided the question. “I think it’s… dis-associative….something.”

Steven typed the word ‘dissociative’ in the search bar. The first phrase suggested was ‘Dissociative Identity Disorder,’ which Steven selected because it was the only option with the word disorder. And whatever the hell was wrong with them, Steven thought, certainly caused a lot of disorder. 

He spent the next hour reading every webpage he could find. Steven took note of the vocabulary—switch, alter, front, trigger, host, system—and sought everything from scientific journals to online forums with anecdotal stories. A lot of people were like him, it turned out. More than he ever could have anticipated. He kept searching and reading until his eyes were sore from staring at the screen for so long. Steven only paused his endeavor after coming across a webpage that addressed the reason he’d started looking in the first place—

Dissociative Identity Disorder: Internal Worlds.

“Many DID systems have an inner world where alters may manifest and interact with one another. These worlds can range in size and complexity, and may feature static characters that act as imaginary constructs rather than alters or fragments.”

“...huh.” Marc hadn’t been listening up until that point, but Steven’s excitement had brought him back toward the front. “So that bastard’s like an NPC in our head?” 

Steven wasn’t entirely satisfied. “That makes the most sense, don’t it? But why him? Why’s our inner world even a hospital?”

“I guess—maybe it was the easiest answer?”

Steven thought about it. The first time they had been to that office was while they were in the Duat. Marc had gone first, right after he’d been shot. It was either he dealt with the Duat—and the fact that he was dead—or come up with another answer. A more relieving answer. It was a relief to be crazy. Crazy was better than dead. 

Then he’d gone again when he saw Taweret. A talking hippo? Pretty overwhelming. Then again, when he’d been triggered—Steven knew what that word meant, now—by Steven yelling at him. It’ll be all your fault. Right back in Harrow’s office. Then Steven himself. It wasn’t too hard for him to imagine how he’d landed there, in hindsight. He’d even asked for it explicitly, after he’d heard the news that his mother was dead.

Let me out. Let me out! Let me out!

Yeah. Being crazy was better than being dead. But now, they were no longer dead. So maybe the inner world didn’t need to be crazy. 

“Do you think we can change it?” Steven asked.

“What?”

He backtracked. “The hospital. D’you suppose we can change it to something more nice? Something cozy.”

Marc shrugged. “Dunno. It’s not like I made it a hospital on purpose. I would have at least added some color.”

“Yeah, why was it so white?” Steven hummed. “Surely that’s not what they really look like.” 

Marc uttered an answer before he could think. “That’s what I remember them like.”

Oh. 

He didn’t mean to say that.

He wasn’t ready to talk about that. 

“We’ve been in a psych ward before?”

“Fuck,” he muttered. “Yeah, listen buddy, I don’t really want to talk about that right now. Let’s go back to what you were talking about. You said we could change it, right? What would we change it to?”

“Now hold on a minute,” Steven jabbed. Marc rolled his eyes, cursing himself. “We’re meant to be opening up to each other, aren’t we? At least tell me when. When were we institutionalized, Marc?”

“Which time?”

Excuse me?

“Which time?” Steven scoffed. “There were multiple?”

“Okay! Don’t get defensive.” Marc drew a breath. “The first time, when we were twelve. That was for a few days, but nothing really happened. Then there was… we were fourteen. I think I was there for over a month.”

“A month?” Steven was astounded.

Marc winced. “Don’t ask, Steven. Just, please. Not right now.”

“Is that all?”

He shook his head. “There was another one, right before I ran away. Pretty sure we were seventeen. Then the Marines made me do a psych eval when they discharged me. They said that I should go to one then, but they couldn’t commit me or anything. I would have had to do that myself.”

Steven waited expectantly. There was shock and anger in the body. Marc cleared his throat.

“That’s all.”

“So three separate times, then? We spent all that time in a psychiatric ward?” His voice was resigned, disbelieving. 

“Yeah. Three times.”

Steven’s anger dissipated a bit. “Can’t believe I don’t remember that.”

He didn’t expect Marc to say anything, but he spoke up again with a hesitant voice. 

“You don’t want to remember.”

~~~~~~

Finding his way to Harrow’s office was much easier when he wasn’t looking. 

Now, though, Steven couldn’t shut off the outside world long enough to go back to that place. His goal was to change it, or at least, to see if he could. The internet had told him that some people were able to control their internal worlds. He wanted to try. Steven didn’t want his place of refuge to be an endless labyrinth of white brick hallways. 

He sprawled out on the couch, trying his best to empty his mind of any stray thoughts. He pictured the office as best he could—white brick, glass table. White brick, glass table. But he couldn’t conjure the imagery. 

“Why’s it so important to you anyway?” Marc questioned, earning a shush from Steven. “I’m just saying, it’s not like either of us plan on going back there.”

“And what good is that?” Steven countered, “We have to spend the rest of our lives inside our head, don’t we? I reckon we’ll spend a lot of time in there, considering how much shit we still have to sort through. I’d rather it be someplace nicer than a pediatric psych ward.”

Marc hummed. “So what are we changing it to?”

“Dunno yet. I’ll figure it out once I actually get there. Which I can’t do until you shut up.” 

“Rude.”

For another half-hour, Steven tried to retreat backwards. He tried everything he could think of, from playing white noise to crossing his legs and listening to a meditation guide. His mind wouldn’t stop racing and, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t focus on the big, bright office. A gust of wind made an extra large creak run through the place. Steven opened his eyes, running his hands through his hair frustratedly. 

“Why’s it not working?” He groaned, mostly to himself. “The one time I actually want to go there, I can’t.”

“It’s not about what you want,” Marc quipped. Steven let out a dry laugh. 

“‘Course not. That’d be too easy.” He lowered his face into his hands, groaning again. 

Marc’s tone was serious, though. “Think about it. When you give me the body, where do you go?” 

“…nowhere, I guess.”

“Right. Because you don’t need to go anywhere. You don’t have a reason to go to Harrow’s office. You’re too comfortable to go there. You’ve only been there when—”

“When out here was too hard.”

“Exactly.”

They sat in silence for a moment. Steven wanted to argue with Marc, but they both knew that he was right. Going back to Dr. Harrow’s office probably wasn’t going to happen by meditation, or even by napping. He would have to go there to get away from something on the outside. At least, at first. He knew that he would never stumble upon the place now. Not without being sent back there first. 

“Shit,” he scoffed. 

“What?” Inquired Marc.

“I know how to get there, then.” Steven rose to his feet. His hands started to shake. “Fuck.”

“It’s a lost cause, buddy,” Marc interjected. “It’s not gonna work. The only way to go back there is—”

Oh. “—Oh.”

“Yeah,” Steven quipped. He started to rummage through the desk drawers. “Seems counterproductive, don’t it?”

Marc pushed for control of the body. “No. It’s not worth it. We’ll deal with the office later, alright? Let’s just take the win for today.”

“The win?” Steven scoffed. “What win? I don’t want the next time I have a panic attack to be made worse by the fact that the man who tried to kill us is holding us hostage inside our own mind.”

Marc was at the edge of taking control, held back by Steven’s stubbornness and nothing else. “That’s not exactly what’s happening—”

“Well I would bloody know that if I could just get back there again.” He continued rummaging, growing sloppy in urgency. 

“Steven, stop!”

He paused his movement, barely holding onto himself. The body was still in Steven’s control, but Marc had caught his attention. 

“What’s your plan here, buddy?” His voice was patronizing, but worried. “You’re gonna look at more pictures of mom until you can’t breathe anymore? Is that really how you want to spend the day? Don’t do this to yourself.”

He persisted. “I need to go back there.”

“It’s not that important.”

“I don’t think you understand,” Steven insisted. His voice was low. Angry. 

Marc didn’t like the tone. “Oh yeah? And what don’t I get about this?”

“You’ve been crazy your whole life,” Steven jabbed. It wasn’t how he meant it, and Marc knew that, but it was still cold. “You’ve had time to adjust. I haven’t. My whole life is a lie. I feel like I’m out of my mind.”

“You are!” Marc hissed. “Can you listen to yourself? You’re literally about to torture yourself so you can fight the voices in your head.”

Steven curled in slightly on himself. “Just the one voice.”

Marc laughed, shocked. “Just the one?—Steven! Come on, man. Don’t do this.”

“Yeah?” He pulled himself upright. Marc felt a twinge of something from Steven. Spite. Whatever had made him so adamant about this, he wasn’t changing his mind now. “What are you going to do to stop me?”

Marc pushed himself forward at full force, nearly reaching the front before stumbling back, out of breath and stamina. He used to be better at this. Steven wasn’t budging, though. That was clear. 

“Don’t be stupid, Steven.”

“Just shut up.” Marc had never heard that tone of voice in Steven. Not ever. Not with him, not with Layla, not with Donna or JP. Not on the Earth and not in the Duat. It was seething, decisive. He knew from the snap in Steven’s tone that there was no more arguing. Not without a screaming match to follow. He’d made up his mind, now. Marc could only watch from there, and be ready to pick up the pieces of whatever he did. 

Marc forced the bite from his own voice. “What’s your plan then?”

Steven shook his head. 

“There’s a scrapbook in here. Somewhere.”

“It won’t be enough,” Marc chimed. It was sincere. “I know the one you’re talking about. It won’t be enough for what you’re trying to do. Doesn’t even have that many pictures of her.”

Steven gritted his teeth. “What do you suggest, then?”

“Honestly? I don’t think it’s best that you take any of my ideas.” 

He shut the desk drawer with a shaky, resigned hand. It wasn’t enough that Steven couldn’t trust his reality, but now he felt like, in spite of the strides he had made, he had less control than ever over his life. He couldn’t sort through his thoughts long enough to figure out what was real and what wasn’t, and he couldn’t do much of anything without Marc peeking over his shoulder. He felt stuck. Powerless. 

“How bad do you want to do this today?” Marc asked after a few minutes of quiet. Steven perked up enough to think of an answer. 

“Bad enough.”

“There might be one thing,” he offered. Steven immediately nodded, prompting him to spill. “But you can’t say I didn’t warn you. There’s a reason that I hide this shit from you.”

“What is it?” He demanded. 

“Just—wait a second, bud. If we do this, you gotta listen to me. And you gotta understand.” Marc went rigid and Steven pushed harder. 

“Whatever! Just out with it.”

Marc sighed. “There’s a voicemail I think you should listen to. It’ll work, I’m sure. You wanna fucking torture yourself then go right ahead, but Steven…”

“Let’s hear it.”

“Steven!”

“What, Marc? I don’t need any more warnings. You know it’s not always your job to protect me. I’m a grown man.”

“I know. I was just gonna say,” Marc stuttered over the words, bashful suddenly. His hesitance gave Steven pause. “I can’t listen to it with you.”

Steven was silent. Marc urged him toward the tray beside the door where he kept his phone and keys. “Just tell me what you find when you get there, okay? And I know he’s not real, but… give Harrow hell when you see him.”

“…Marc?”

“Go on, Steven. It’s the oldest message in the inbox.”

Marc nudged him forward. Steven grabbed the flip-phone, booting it up as his alter sank down into nothingness. That’s what it was, Steven supposed. Nothingness. That’s where Marc must have gone.  Either that, or he’d be finding a bloodied up Harrow when he got to that office. 

He scrolled to the end of the voicemail box. 

Wendy - 11 years ago. Duration 2:54.

Steven swallowed hard, his thumb hovering over the button. He hadn’t heard her voice in…

He didn’t even know how long. 

His heart rate spiked before he even pressed play. He knew from what Marc had said that it wasn’t going to be the familiar voice he knew. Not the one he remembered. Not the dripping with honey, unconditionally-loving, soft nurturing voice. Steven wasn’t sure that her voice ever really sounded like that, anyway. 

He gritted his teeth. 

Click. 

“I knew this would happen.”

He could tell from the first second of sound that Wendy’s voice was coated in liquor. Her speech was slurred, tone self-righteous and wandering. “They sent your shit in the mail, Marc. The Marines. It says you got discharged. Hah. Took them long enough, didn’t it? I thought they’d have thrown you out—hic—years ago.”

Steven hadn’t managed to breathe since the audio started. The lack of air burned in his throat, but he knew that he’d choke on his breath if he tried to take air in now. His vision was glassy and a stabbing pain stuck between his ribs. Wendy paused for what Steven assumed was long enough to take another swig. 

“What’d you do this time, kid? They find you talking to yourself in the barracks?” There was humor in her voice. It made Steven feel sick. “Or are you still just that bad at following directions? They finally cut you loose when they realized you’re dumb as a rock?”

Steven couldn’t believe his ears. He had known, in theory, that she was like this, but… hearing it for himself was something else entirely. 

“Anyway, son, this is the address that they have for you. Come and get your shit. Or text your dad where you are and he’ll send it to you. Whatever. I’m tired of staring at this box of junk on my counter. If you don’t do something with it, I’m throwing it out.”

She paused again, and Steven could hear the alcohol jostling around in the bottle as she brought it to her lips. 

“Let me know when you finally find something you’re good at. And don’t call your father this time if you need someone to bail you out. God knows you’re getting yourself into some kind of bullshit. Always are. Our money’s tight enough as it is and, frankly, I’m tired of saving your ass. You keep bringin’ trouble everywhere you go. It’s embarrassing for both of us. What kind of Rabbi’s son—”

He couldn’t listen anymore. Steven couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How was this what Wendy Spector was like? How had he never heard this version of her before? It wasn’t enough that his image of his mother was wrong. It was downright delusional. How could this woman be the same person he’d called every morning? The same person he confided in when no one was there for him? 

Hot tears streamed down his face and his throat constricted around short gasps of air. How could he have gone his whole life without seeing this? Why couldn’t he see the holes in the image of her? Was everything that he knew about her just a lie? 

Is this what it was always like for Marc?

Steven’s breathing picked up until it was short and stunted. Quick, shallow breaths increased in speed until he wasn’t sure he was breathing at all. Steven wrapped his arms around himself and leaned backward against the door. He sunk down, slamming the phone shut and chucking it somewhere to his side. 

Now she’s gone. She’s dead, and he can’t even mourn her the right way because he doesn’t know what he can mourn. Should he even be mourning at all? She wasn’t ever real, was she? Not the version of her that he knew. The real her didn’t deserve his anguish. 

What was he meant to do?

“Are you ready to talk some more, Steven?” He snapped his eyes open to find the light blinding him. The voice, however, was unmistakable.

He’d done it. 

“Is that what you want me to do?” Steven mumbled. He felt the same sluggishness he had before, but he focused this time on every little thing his senses could muster. Steven could wiggle his fingers, if he tried hard enough. He could keep his eyes open, but only while listening. Talking took too much of him. He couldn’t do both. 

“That’s what I’m here for,” Harrow responded. Steven squinted at him. He took a deep breath, then another. His vision grew clearer and his eyes less heavy. “It’s interesting, though. So often you fight with me. Now, you’re accepting my help without quarrel.”

Steven shifted in his chair. “Where’s Marc?”

“He’s resting, for now. It’s you I want to talk to, Steven.”

Dr. Harrow didn’t have the impatience in his tone from before. Steven focused as hard as he could on the feeling in his limbs. He tried to remember. He had come here for a reason. It was on the tip of his tongue. He was looking for Marc. He was looking for—

“Steven?” Harrow prompted again. “We were doing so well, don’t get distracted on me now.”

What was it that he was doing? 

“I need to leave,” Steven blurted. “I’m supposed to be… doing something…”

“Our appointment’s not over yet.” Harrows knuckles pulsed around his cane, as if he was ready to rise to his feet at a moment’s notice. “We have more work to do.”

“I’m not supposed to be here,” Steven insisted. He pushed himself up from his chair—were his limbs always this heavy?—and balanced himself against the desk. “I have to get somewhere…”

Safe. I have to get somewhere safe. 

“I can’t let you leave a session early.” Harrow stood against the cane, slowly making his way around the desk. Steven had an unparalleled hunch that he had to get out. He had to go elsewhere. He had to find Marc. He had to get them somewhere safe. 

“I’m not staying here.”

Steven’s knees buckled underneath him, but he successfully made the first step toward the door behind his chair. His vision was blurring again. He didn’t stop moving forward. 

“I’m trying to help you,” the doctor insisted. He approached Steven slowly. Gently. Steven wasn’t fast enough to get ahead of him. Dr. Harrow placed his hand squarely on Steven’s shoulder, beckoning him to sit. He turned him around, so they were face-to-face. 

Steven saw red. 

He gritted his teeth and pounced forward, head-butting the psychiatrist and knocking him backward into the table. Harrow brought his hand up to his face and Steven grabbed his cane. He drew it backward, bracing himself, and Harrow looked up at him through his fingers. Steven’s hand was around his throat. 

His face was patronizing. Self-assured. “Don’t be stupid, Steven.”

Oh, it’s far too late for that. 

Steven stumbled backward, regaining his balance on his own two feet. He lifted the cane, flipping it in his hand, and struck the doctor in his chest. The hit landed unlike wood on flesh. It was more like…

…

Like sand. 

He swung again, hitting Arthur square in the jaw. He tumbled to the ground unceremoniously. He didn’t cry or beg for help. Harrow simply toppled, but Steven didn’t let up. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. 

Not until it was safe. 

He brought the cane above his head, wielding it steady in both hands. It made a dull, flat sound as he brought it down at full force. Again. And again. and again. Steven kept going until his arms wouldn’t swing anymore. He opened his eyes, expecting to see the gruesome aftermath of what he’d done, but there was no body in front of him. There was no poor Dr. Harrow, whether dead or alive, by his feet. 

There was, however, a pile of ashen sand. Not golden, but gray. Steven dropped the cane and a puff of dust rose from the impact it made on the mound. 

He walked steadily out of the office. 

Steven didn’t know what he expected to be on the other side, but he was greeted with what he could only imagine was the field of reeds. That is, a literal field of literal reeds, spanning miles in each direction. It was a warm, colorful, peaceful contrast from where he’d just been. 

And he could do with it whatever he pleased. 

He rather liked the field as it was. He wanted to keep it. A field wasn’t exactly a home, though, Steven contested. It needed a bit more structure than that. And what better shelter to accompany a field of reeds?

A farmhouse. 

Steven didn’t have to think too hard about building the place. It was as if his mind was just waiting for the chance to conjure it. The porch wrapped around the front and the side, connecting to the exterior walls at either end. He pushed through the front door—a deep mahogany, by the way. Not white. Inside was a full living space with a kitchen and dining table, not unlike the one from his childhood, but far brighter. The room opened into the den, where a couch and two chairs met a wood-burning stove that Steven could feel the warmth radiating from as he approached. There was a singular bookshelf against the wall, with what Steven assumed was every book he could ever want. Beside it, a bulletin board. 

He knew immediately what it was for. Communication. Steven looked around further and came across a door to what he intuitively knew was his bedroom. He placed his hand on the knob tentatively, still quite in disbelief that he’d gotten himself here in the first place. He turned his palm, just a fraction of an inch, and a shuffle behind him drew his attention away. 

“Looks like you were right.”

He turned around. The image in front of him was…puzzling. 

“Marc?”

When they were separated in the Duat, Marc and Steven had looked for the most part just like the body. Sure, Marc was wearing a different shirt and his hair was slicked back the way that he always preferred, but they were otherwise the same. Same face, same stature, same body, same everything. 

This was not the case here. 

Marc looked, for lack of a better term, dreadful. His face was the same, in terms of shape and proportion, but almost everything about him was different in some way. For starters, his eyes were hollow and sunken. Not like the dark circles that Steven had gained from lack of sleep. This was something much deeper. More permanent. Marc looked like he’d never slept a wink in his life. 

He also looked smaller. Younger. Less like a warrior ready to defend himself and more like a kid who’d been drafted and given speed for performance. Marc’s muscles were sprung, his body ready to pounce at any sign of distress. His posture was straight and his chin was lifted, no doubt a lasting effect of his Marine training. Steven had the half-inclination to yell ‘at ease, soldier,’ but he figured it wouldn’t be as funny out loud. Or funny at all. 

Steven stepped closer to Marc, realizing now that Marc was looking up at him, and Steven down at Marc. He was taller than him, by a few inches at least. It occurred to him then that Marc wasn’t the only one who looked different on the inside. 

Marc’s hair was much shorter than the body’s. Not a buzz-cut, as Steven would have assumed, but short enough that his hair didn’t reach his eyebrows. The style was familiar, though, slicked back and brushed down just as Marc did normally on the outside. His hair wasn’t of interest to Steven, however. As he stepped forward, there was only one aspect of Marc’s appearance that he could manage to focus on. His heart dropped into his stomach. Or at least, that’s what Steven felt was happening as he took a closer look at Marc’s face. At his neck, at his arms. 

He was covered in scars. 

Small nicks, large gashes. Lines and holes and what he could only assume were welts from burns long healed. Marc was littered with them. A long, thick line ran across his face along the bridge of his nose. His top lip was permanently split. An indent on his collarbone resembled a ring, and a line of crescents on his neck left very little to the imagination as it replicated the texture of a half-inch metal chain. 

“What are you looking at?” Marc mumbled, uncomfortable. Steven hadn’t realized how long he’d been staring or how close he’d gotten to Marc. He went in for a hug, gripping Marc tightly for a moment. Once he reciprocated, they stayed like that for a while. Then, Steven shook his head and retreated a few steps back. 

“You look different in here,” he explained. Marc nodded in understanding. 

He gestured down at Steven’s body. “You too.”

Steven looked down at himself, noticing the way that his frame was so different from the one on the outside. He was tall, unusually tall and slender as well. He must have been at least 6 foot, a solid five or more inches taller than the body he was used to inhabiting. 

“You mind if I go look in the mirror?” Steven asked. Marc raised his eyebrows and shook his head. 

“I’ll join you. Wanna see what all that staring was about.”

He followed Steven into his bedroom. It was decorated just like a teenage boy’s room from the mid 1990s. Band posters plastered to the ceiling, Nintendo console connected to a bulky television in the corner of the room. Steven’s bed was a single, sheets covered in hieroglyphs. Marc chuckled at the contrast between the nerdy sci-fi knickknacks and the items that were unmistakably linked to Egyptology. 

Steven pulled him into the en-suite bath, which was simple and clean. 

They both froze at the images in the mirror. 

Steven’s hair was longer and thicker, somehow curlier than it was on the outside and much more unruly. He ran his hands through it, trying to calm down the odd directions that it sprang outward, but getting nowhere with the effort. His cheeks were rosy, contrasting Marc’s ashen skin, and his facial hair was grown into a shortly-kempt beard. He wore a thin, round pair of glasses on the bridge of his nose. When he tried to take them off, he found that the world was not so much blurry as it was swimming in his vision. He elected to keep them on. 

Marc didn’t do much to adjust himself. He just stared at his image, his eyes darting to each scar that wasn’t covered by his clothes. Next to Steven, he looked like a walking corpse. There were so many scars on his body that an average onlooker would wonder how he survived it all. He hated to look at himself any longer. He thought he might be sick. 

“Marc?” Steven’s voice was soft. 

“Yeah,” he choked out. His gaze still didn’t waver. It was like his eyes were glued to his skin. 

Steven raised his hand to Marc’s neck, pointing his finger at the line of circles on his throat. “What are those?”

Marc’s voice was surprisingly steady as he answered. 

“Dubai.”

He brought his hands to the hem of his shirt, pulling up the fabric to reveal a deep indent in his v-line, unmistakably a bullet hole. 

“Gabon.”

He turned away from the mirror, facing Steven head on. His hand rose to his face and he touched his index and middle fingers to the bridge of his nose. 

“New York.”

Nausea rose in Steven’s gut. He took Marc by the arm, pulling the both of them out of the bathroom and back to the den. Marc didn’t argue. 

“Are you saying you got all of these on missions for Khonshu?” Steven’s voice wavered as he sat on the edge of the couch. It was as if, on the inside, Khonshu’s armor had never existed at all. Each blow Marc had taken in battle had stuck with him. Each mortal wound he should have suffered, painted on his skin forever. 

“Some of them,” Marc answered. Steven shook his head, like he didn’t understand, and Marc lifted his shirt again. A bullet wound on his abdomen matched the lower indent on the opposite side. “This one’s from Bushman.”

“You took all of these hits?” Steven felt like his head was spinning. There were so many scars. 

Marc huffed. “Yeah, at some point or another.”

“My God.”

“It’s not so bad,” Marc countered. He could see how much Steven was affected. “I wouldn’t have gotten most of them if I didn’t have the armor. I would have never been in those fights in the first place. And it’s not like I was actually hurt that much.”

“I beg to differ,” Steven choked. His gaze fell to one particular gathering of scars, which Marc quickly hid from him by turning away. 

“Don’t even start,” he warned, covering them. 

“We’re gonna talk about those later,” Steven insisted. They sat in silence for another moment or two, taking in the new space. The architecture and furniture was vintage—out of the 1950s at the very latest. It truly felt like the two of them were on a homestead together. Safe, cozy, away from danger. The living space reminded Steven of the one in the Waltons, only smaller and without the half-dozen children constantly stomping through the place. 

“I’m gonna go find my room,” Marc finally said. Steven rose to go with him, but Marc held out his hand to gesture to him to stay behind. He retreated back into the couch, and watched as Marc disappeared behind the door on the other side of the dining table. 

Marc’s room was nothing like Steven’s. It was spacious and orderly, clearly designed for an adult. The suite reminded him of a hotel. Double doors in front of the bed led out onto the porch and the sheets a dull pattern of white and beige. The queen-size bed sat in the center of the room, not pushed to the corner like Steven’s had been. Model cars sat parallel on Marc’s chest of drawers and a thin, sleek lamp on his bedside table. The door to the en-suite bathroom was open. 

He didn’t understand why the bathroom was the way that it was. His bedroom, sure. He’d stayed in a million hotels ranging from the cheapest to almost-comfortable. Marc couldn’t understand, though, why so much care had been given to the bath. The vanity was long and glamorous. The walk-in shower was expansive and sleek. It dumbfounded him that he’d conjured a place so expensive in his mind. So luxurious, and for what? He didn’t even need to eat or sleep or shower in here, did he? The cherry on top, though, as he step forward into the spacious bathroom, was the large picture window and stand-alone tub. 

It was almost offensive how beautiful it was. The tub was big enough to swim in, it seemed. The claw-foot exterior resembled a vintage tub, same as the rest of the architecture in the place, complete with a golden faucet and knobs at the top. It was deep and wide, squeaky-clean and smooth to the touch. Marc imagined that, seated with his feet facing the faucet, the view out the window would be unparalleled. It was remarkably gorgeous. But why was it in his room?

Marc hadn’t taken a bath in more than thirty years. Only showers. He hadn’t seen the appeal since—

—since that day in the cave. 

Marc slammed the door behind him on the way out. He made his way back to the den, where Steven was warming his hands by the fire. He sat down in the chair across from him, and they sat together in peace. In quiet. 

It was better than lounging on the outside, for all it was worth. There was no busy street traffic or creaking air conditioning. Marc’s back didn’t ache like it did outside and Steven’s chest wasn’t permanently tight, either. There was…plainly stated…so little on the inside. Nothing loud or bright or overwhelming to deal with. It was just quiet. Warm. Safe. 

It lingered on for a while, almost so much that they could have felt timeless where they were. That was, until Steven jolted forward out of nowhere, prompting Marc to stand on edge just the same. The expression on Steven’s face was halfway between worry and curiosity. 

“Marc?” He timbred. 

“Yeah?” 

“We’re both in here.” He stated plainly. 

Marc was confused. “…Yeah?”

“Both of us are in here.” Steven enunciated slower. Marc shrugged his shoulders and raised his eyebrows. 

“I can see that.”

Steven huffed. “Don’t you get it?” 

“Get what?”

“If we’re both in here, then who’s controlling the body?”

Oh. 

That was a good question. 

~

~

A/N: Jonah has never proofread anything in their life. Also, I started this off by paying way more attention to whether it was accurate to real DID systems, but I don’t know if I accomplished that in the end. Bully me about it on anon. 

@n1ght5h4d3-24 @magicwithaknife @rmoonstoner @nervouslaught3r @unavoidabledirewolf @kbakery @mccn-bcys @gingermous @avatarofseshat @damreonsgirl @dragons-are-my-favorite @k8esilver @competentpotato @theconsultingdoctor10 @rayrlupin @moony-artemis @nerdory10 @valkyrieace

@ahookedheroespureheart @mt2sssss @loki-hargreeves @starfirette @celeste412 @avengersinitiative2012 @sifinskies @unspokenmoon @maplemind @mainstreambitchlife @hot-mess-express1 @toracainz @zarahbronstein @daughterofthequeen @am-3-thyst @romanarose @wand-erer5 @jake-g-lockley @in-between-the-cafes @alexismm @moonmoonboys

#moon knight #steven grant #marc spector #jake lockley #oscar isaac #layla el faouly #fire within my soul #masterlist #moon boys

[csa-survivor-confessions]

What Is a Panic Attack?

Panic attacks are episodes of severe overwhelming fear. Symptoms develop fast and reach their peak within 10 minutes. They rarely last more than an hour but the time can be variable between episodes and between people.

These episodes don’t always coincide with long-term mental health difficulties. Any all-encompassing overwhelme and terror event can trigger people to panic.

Panic attacks are related to the stress response system. Long-term overwhelm, immediate reminders of trauma, or other outside experiences activate the body’s stress responses. The fight, flight and freeze responses being activated can all cause an episode of hyperarousal and stress. So your body and mind panic because your body is reading the situation as a serious threat happening.

People can develop panic attacks that are recurrent and can cause continuous stress and harm. These recurrent panic attacks often pile on themselves. When a situation has caused a panic attack before it can become a trigger after that one experience. So if you had a panic attack from fear of public speaking you are more likely to start having panic attacks when you have to speak in front of people. You can also develop anxiety symptoms about having another panic attack causing panic attacks to happen more.

There are often triggers for people who have them recurrently but they can happen with no warning. Panic attacks most often occur when there isn’t any immediate danger but they can also happen when there is real danger as part of a stress response.

Symptoms:

Possible Physical Symptoms:

Abdominal cramping & distress

Chest pain or discomfort

Chills or heat sensations

Fast beating, fluttering or pounding heart

Fear of dying

Feeling dizzy, unsteady, light-headed or faint

Feelings of choking

Headache

Hyperventilation 

Nausea

Numbness or tingling sensations

Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering

Sweating

Trembling or shaking

Possible Mental Symptoms:

Depersonalization

Derealization 

Fear of losing control

Fear of imminent death 

Feeling like you are going crazy

Sense of impending doom or danger

Who Gets Panic Attacks?

Any person can get panic attacks. However, genetics, childhood temperament, lack of coping skills, and histories of trauma can all influence if a person will experience panic attacks.

Common times people may experience panic attacks is when they are going through stressful situations. This includes but is not limited to moving, changing schools, new jobs, job loss, marriage or the birth of a child.

Panic Disorder is a mental illness that is based on repeated panic attacks and fear of future panic attacks. In The DSM-5 panic disorder is defined as an anxiety disorder based primarily on repeated panic attacks, which are recurrent and often unexpected. One panic attack is followed by one month or more of the person fearing that they will have more attacks causing them to change their behaviour. Avoidance of triggers is also considered in the diagnosis.

People with other anxiety disorders, phobias and PTSD are much more likely to experience panic attacks due to their nervous systems already being sensitised and more likely to dysregulate.

Can They Be Treated?

Yes! There are many ways that people can learn to cope with panic attacks. Both self help and professional treatment can be effective in feeling better. Common professional treatments include CBT and Exposure Therapy. Medications can help especially if panic disorder has developed or if there are other mental health conditions concurrent with the panic. Including: anxiety disorders, mood disorder, OCD, psychosis, PTSD etc.

Self Help for anxiety is varied and it can take time to find some that work for you. More on self help for anxiety can be found here: Coping Skills: Panic Attacks

Citations:

Ankrom, S. (2022, October 23). DSM-5 Criteria for Diagnosing Panic Disorder (S. Gans, Ed.). Verywell Mind; Dotdash Meredith. https://www.verywellmind.com/diagnosing-panic-disorder-2583930#toc-diagnosing-panic-disorder-in-dsm-5

Center for Growth Therapists. (n.d.). DARE: A four step approach to anxiety management. Counseling | Therapy; Center for Growth. Retrieved February 1, 2024, from https://www.thecenterforgrowth.com/tips/dare-a-four-step-approach-to-anxiety-management

Healthwise Staff. (2022, October 20). PTSD and Panic Attacks (A. Husney, D. Sproule, K. Romito, & J. Hamblen, Eds.). Myhealth.alberta.ca; myhealth. https://myhealth.alberta.ca/Health/pages/conditions.aspx?hwid=ad1047spec#:~:text=Topic%20Overview

Hesler, B. (2023, May 9). Panic Attacks & Disorders Q&A. Mayo Clinic Health System. https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/what-is-a-panic-attack

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2018, May 4). Panic attacks and panic disorder – Symptoms and causes. Mayo Clinic; Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/panic-attacks/symptoms-causes/syc-20376021

Robinson, L., Segel, J., & Reid, S. (2019, May 7). What is a panic attack? HelpGuide.org; HelpGuide. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/panic-attacks-and-panic-disorders.htm

#info #informational article #blog post #resources #panic attacks #anxiety #anxiety recovery #childhood trauma #trauma #mental issues

[cryptidcripplepunk]

Hey, I go by Loki online :)

Identities

Polymorph Otherkin, Agender, multiple xeno/neo genders. Polyam, demi-aro, gray-ace, omni, xeno-esque romantic identities.

Pronouns

It/it’s, multiple xenopronouns

Disabilities

Hole in my heart ( recent temp fix ), undiagnosed but medically ( not legally ) recognized physical illness ( Fibro/EDS/MS ). Possible autism ( heavily researched with doctor written papers ). Diagnosed BPD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, Depression, PTSD. Suffers with Depersonalization, Derealization. Has hallucinations. Has Manic and depressive manic episodes with no other Bipolar symptoms.

Age

19

Anarchist, Stoner, Pagan Witch, Mainly Hellenic right now, heading into Nordic with plans to look into other open deities. Hyperfixations on Greek Mythology ( since I was like 7, way before I ever thought I was a witch so I think that might've helped me realize ), Supernatural, Skyrim, this Tumblr rn honestly, my two mogai tumblrs ( will I'm you the accounts if wanted, not posting publicly to minimize possible hate. ). Obviously I don't like pedophiles, N@zi’s, racists, and things like it will block on sight. Will have calm discussions with people with opposing views, the second you get hostile I will tell you to fuck off and block you.

I'm open to talking about my disabilities and identity. I can tell you what I know about some disorders but I beg you to also look into it because I could very well be wrong or stuff could have gotten updated since I've read last. If you take me as you're only source that isn't on me, it's your responsibility and I beg with everyone to look into stuff like that on your own as well or without asking me anything. It's very helpful, especially with destigmatizing stuff.

If I worded anything wrong please let me know and I will fix it.

#punk #polyamourus pride #queer #queer community #queer cripple #queer pride #queer punk #relationship anarchy #supernatural #skyrim #disabled queer #disabled punk #cripple punk #spn #polyamory

[the80srewinders]

Our First Post: About Dissociative Disorders… And Us

Hi! I’m Finley, the host of the 80s Rewinders System, a traumagenic DID system of in the 130s. Before we introduce ourselves, I’m going to explain what dissociative disorders are, how they develop, and resources for suspected or newly discovered DID/OSDD systems.

Dissociative identity disorder- (DID) is a psychological disorder that develops when a child under 7-9 suffers from constant trauma or any overwhelming experience that doesn’t stop and causes them to dissociate frequently. Everyone is born with parts of the personality that integrate into one consciousness by the age of 7-9, if the person has no trauma or constant overwhelming life experiences. In a person that develops DID, the parts of the personality do not integrate into one consciousness because constant dissociation stops this process- the brain is too dissociated from the self as a protection mechanism so it never creates one integrated self, and to survive, the parts of the personality turn into dissociated parts that hold trauma and protect the body from abuse or threats by doing things that prevent it or suffering abuse so the main part, the host, can live trauma free. The parts are called alters in a medical setting, and alters have their own consciousness, opinions, ability to control the body, and most have their own names, self perception of what they look like (although internal) and some even have memories of things that didn’t happen to the body. DID usually stays hidden until the traumatic situation that caused it to develop is over, the system hears about DID, pr the death, injury or illness of an abuser.

Other specified dissociative disorder- (OSDD) is a psychological disorder that develops when a child under 10-12 years old suffers from constant trauma or any overwhelming experience that doesn’t stop and causes them to dissociate constantly. In OSDD 1b, the parts of the personality are mildly integrated causing little to no amnesia between them, and the parts are differentiated with their own consciousness, opinions, names and self perception of what they look like. The alters take control of the body with no amnesia. In OSDD 1a, the parts of the personality are mildly integrated but have amnesia between them and are not differentiated. The parts are called facets. The parts are more like different modes of the person and have no names or self perception of what they look like. OSDD usually keeps itself hidden until the traumatic situation that caused it to develop is over, the system hears about OSDD, or the death, injury or illness of an abuser.

Depersonalization and derealization disorder- (DPDR) is a disorder that develops from any trauma or natural ability to dissociate at any age. Unlike DID and OSDD, there are no alters or facets of the personality. The disorder is made of severe depersonalization- feeling like you’re outside of your body, detached from yourself, or literally like someone else and derealization- feeling like things and/or the world are not real, like you are not real, or like everything is a dream.

Dissociative fugue- is a temporary identity that develops after a traumatic event or injury as a coping mechanism until the memories can be processed.

All About Us

Trigger warnings apply. Be careful while reading this part

We are a traumagenic DID system that developed when the body was 3 from sexual abuse and a natural ability to dissociate from autism and brain damage during birth. We were sex trafficked until the body was eleven, raped by several people, and sexually assaulted by many people. We were emotionally and physically abused by several people. We suffered from medical trauma since I could remember and still do. This page is to help people understand dissociative disorders, end stigma and stereotypes, give hope to people with dissociative disorders with a focus on DID, spread awareness for trauma based mind control and organized abuse, and share our love for the 80s with people including fun facts about 80s pop culture and obscure 80s songs.

Sit back and get a can of AquaNet- this is the most 80s blog you’re gonna find by a plural system.

Resources for plural systems:

#dissociative identity disorder #other specified dissociative disorder #80s

[mental-health-advice]

Hi there! Last week I experienced an episode of depersonalization and derealization where I got scared of myself in the mirror and covered it up as quickly as I could, in fear that the person in the mirror was trying to kill me. I felt like a spectator in my own body, observing what I was doing but couldn't stop myself. I thought I was going crazy. Since then, here and there I experience moments of depersonalization.

I haven't been diagnosed yet but could this be an early psychosis episode?

-concerned anon J

Hey there,

Depersonalization and derealization can be really scary and especially when you are new to feeling detached to your own body and that those things happening around you is not real. This doesn’t have to be a life sentence though and there are things that you can do to help when feeling those things. For example, doing something distracting that forces you back into a reality state like throwing cold water on your face, doing something physical like jumping jacks or even trying to focus on your breathing in depth to try to bring your awareness of you and/ or surroundings back into reality. Some people also find therapy and medications helpful.

Due to not being a mental health professional I am unable to determine if the episode that you experienced was a possible early psychosis episode but I do gently encourage you to seek professional help and especially as this sounds as though it is really worrying you. Talking to someone like your local doctor or GP, a therapist or even a psychiatrist, they will be able to help you to not only determine if what you had was a psychotic episode but also where it may have stemmed from/ if anything obvious triggered it. They will also be able to offer you ongoing support and therapy to help you to better understand what you are going through, things that may be helpful for you to try and how you can better cope with things. Medication may also be prescribed to help you to cope better and/ or reduce further episodes from occurring and the severity of them.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #concerned anon J #depersonalization #derealization #psychosis

[schizosupport]

Hi! I hope you're doing well, I finally started getting more open to my therapist and taking therapy itself more as a priority, and for the first time I opened up about how I can't remember my childhood. Like at all. Few bits and pieces. And I can't remember at lot actually as I'm getting older. (I'm 24) and I know a lot of that is trauma, but even good things I can't seem to remember.

My therapist was telling me about depersonalization and derealization, which both I understand semi well, but she mentioned dissociative amnesia? I don't know much, hardly any about it and was wondering if you can explain it a bit?

I want to talk to my therapist more about it too but I'm also super anxious about it. I also have a hard time keeping up with speech sometimes and especially when it's something I don't know about, and I don't want to misunderstand what my therapist will say.

I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia and ptsd and I think me dissociating plays a big part from both of those diagnosis. My therapist also says I daydream maladaptively, which is also a new term.

I just feel like all of this is being thrown at me and I don't know fully know how to handle this or even talk about it and I'm sorry if it feels like I'm asking too much. Don't worry about replying in a rush, I feel this is going to be a long journey ahead.

Hey anon,

I'm really sorry I never responded to this, I doubt it's in time now.

Are you still seeing this therapist and does her approach feel helpful to you?

Dissociative amnesia refers to any abnormal amnesia (lack of access to memories/lack of memories) that doesn't have a physiological/neurological cause.

It usually refers to blacking out specific memories that would be considered memorable, or to blacking out recent memories.

Dissociative amnesia usually is meant to indicate a supposed psychological reason for blacking out the memory/memories.

You can struggle to remember things for other reasons too, like cognitive issues of different kinds, that aren't necessarily based in physical brain injury or substances like certain medications, alcohol or drugs.

I personally am shit at making episodic memories, so I really struggle to recall even basic or memorable recent events in my life, and my childhood is a haze of stories I've told enough times to assume I must've remembered at a point, guesswork, little flashes of actual memory and things I "just know" the same way I know the capital of my country despite not remembering when I would've learned it.

I do want to normalize this a bit too. Which is not meant to invalidate, only as information so people aren't concerned over something not that uncommon. Because the thing is that it's actually uncommon for adults to have full and clear recall of most of their childhood. Many have a fairly coherent narrative of the overall happenings and some milestones and core memories, but overall it's rare to remember a lot - and it's normal for it to get increasingly hazy as you age.

Some people have really good recall, I know a few, but it's more common for most of the past to kinda turn into fog the further away it goes..

This was not really directed at you, because again I took ages to respond so it may no longer be relevant. But I'm responding in case it's useful to you or others anyways..

I do consider it a yellow flag in a therapist if they are quick to jump to a conclusion like dissociative amnesia, without knowing more about your sessions. There could be a perfectly good reason for her to bring it up with you, so again not directed at you, it's meant as a general observation.

I hope you are well anon..!

#answers

[chaotic-queer-disaster]

do you have any idea on how to know the difference between meltdowns, anxiety attacks and panic attacks? i get them all and sometimes i really struggle to know which I've experienced.

obligatory "im just an autistic teen with some form of anxiety, not a doctor" warning here. anyway

according to verywellmind, panic attacks are sudden and revolve around depersonalization, derealization, and the fear of dying/losing control, and physical symptoms like sweating, racing heart, trouble breathing, and lightheadedness. They don't usually last very long. A lot of people who say they have anxiety attacks actually have panic attacks.

Anxiety attacks.... technically don't exist, in the sense of being an official medical term. But usually, they describe a phenomenon similar to panic attacks, except they last longer and the feelings are less severe. Like, you'll feel restless, anxious, have trouble concentrating, feel irritable, etc, but you probably won't be crying on the bench in PE like you would in a panic attack.

But imo, the difference between the two doesn't really matter. They both are signals of bigger problems with anxiety if they keep happening, and need to be handled with anxiety management techniques like keeping a journal of your emotions, physical activity, socializing with people who comfort you, stimming if you're the type of ND that helps, therapy, a well-balanced diet, and getting the right amount of sleep. (more obligatory im not a doctor, just trying to help out, here). Some more resources for that: this, this, this.

So, what you should really be looking for is telling the difference between anxiety/panic attacks and meltdowns; anxiety/panic attacks can generally be handled in similar ways.

Meltdowns are autism-specific reactions to being overwhelmed in some way. They are commonly caused by stress, anger, frustration, and sensory overload. That's key there; once you're in the right headspace to examine it, if you can figure out whether your reaction was from being anxious, overwhelmed, or both, you can figure out how to help yourself.

IME, meltdowns may have aspects like agitation/irritability/anger, sensory overload, and screaming, which make them more obviously anxiety-induced meltdowns as opposed to panic attacks. They can also last longer and be extremely exhausting (not to say panic attacks can't be, tho).

I think the key thing among it is that panic attacks are thoroughly about panic. It's in the name for a reason; you're panicking and anxious the whole time. If there are other elements or that's not the main element, you may be experiencing a meltdown instead (esp. if it's sensory-induced).

But honestly, again, knowing the difference may not matter. If you get panic attacks and meltdowns, they probably merge at least somewhat or sometimes, and what matters is finding things that calm you down. Searching the related terms into tumblr's search bar is honestly a pretty good way to start.

sorry i couldn't be more helpful (/gen), but I'm not an expert at figuring out where distress comes from, so I wanted to mostly focus on alleviating the distress.

#asks #anon #meltdowns #panic attacks #anxiety attacks

[malka-lisitsa]

psychology + mental health deep dive !

tagged by: The most important person in my life.... me ♡

general mental health related trigger warnings apply.  feel free to include more or exclude those facts / test results that take too much time or don’t apply, you can check out this list for more personality-related quizzes to include!

QUICK FACTS ,

diagnoses: (unofficial like this bitch would ever go to a therapist, what goes on in her head is none of her business) C-PTSD, Borderline personality disorder. triggers: Literally everything? Not even kidding its hit or miss at all times because shes constantly in fight or flight mode and can sometimes see something as a threat one moment and not the next. skills:  She has ZERO healthy coping skills. She knows HOW to ground in a panic attack, but she often forgets to in the moment. She has zero emotional regulation so she lashes out a lot too. negative coping skills:  Drinking, lashing out in aggression words/actions, petty little revenge missions (or that time she became the devil) attachment style:   fearful-avoidant / disorganised (shes a mess) love language:  Katherine doesn't really have your standard love languages. If she likes you she wants to play with you, silly little games. I suppose that could be "quality time" and I suppose you could simmer her greatest show of love, putting her advantage and safety at risk as "Acts of service" ? myers briggs / mbti: entp (but she can be very introverted too, as long as shes not BORED she has no issues being alone for extended periods of time, and sometimes needs to be.)

HISTORY EXPLORATION ,

are their diagnoses formal ( via a doctor, therapist, etc. ) or informal ( self diagnosis, a hunch, unrealized, etc. ) Informal, she does not care shes just trying to live and be loved

have they ever been treated / medicated?  Oh she self medicates all the time <33333333

have they ever been hospitalized or treated on an inpatient basis?  Does Damon locking her in a tomb count?

how old were they when they first started experiencing / realizing symptoms?  Like most cases of BPD early teens.

do they have a family history of mental illness?   Well her father is a raging and abusive alcoholic man so probably.

how was mental health handled / discussed in the family / community? in the 1400's as a woman??? LMFAO SHE GOT STRAIGHT EXILED FOR HAVING A BABY OUT OF WEDLOCK.

what are their thoughts on mental health / their diagnosis?  Katherine is an advocate for mental health when it comes to pretty much everyone but herself. She had no problem helping Stefan with his PTSD, validated it and taught him grounding methods- which means shes highly aware and has at least researched some of her issues, but she considers herself too broken to be fixable. So she mostly buries her issues and pretends they arent there until she cant anymore. Bottle bottle bottle- breakdown.

in what ways has their diagnosis shaped their life or experiences?   ... you want me to just link her whole bio bc... No but her BPD makes it extremely hard for her to communicate the way she desperately wants to. It makes it hard for her to trust people, even when she wants to, and it makes her almost unpredictable in terms of reaction to rejection or criticism. Her paranoia is sky high. Shes just not having a good time and all she wants is Stefan.

SYMPTOMS: note that all of the below are, on their own, normative and typical aspects of human functioning. they become “symptoms” when they last longer than “normal” or when they pose a significant impact on someone’s life / functioning.

BOLD  all that are present,  ITALICIZE  those that are resolved or in the history.

depression.    anxiety.    panic attacks.    dissociation.    derealization.    depersonalization.    suicidal ideation.    self harm.    homicidal ideation.    psychosis.    auditory hallucinations.    visual hallucinations.    delusions.    mania.   hypomania.    racing thoughts.    hyperactivity.    attention difficulty.    flashbacks.    nightmares.    hyperarousal.    hypoarousal.    hypersexuality.    hyposexuality.    psychopathy.   risky behavior.    catatonia.    somatic / bodily concerns.    mutism.    phobia.    agoraphobia.    hoarding.    obsessions.    compulsions.    body dysmorphia.    hair picking.    skin picking.     amnesia.    illness anxiety / hypochondria.    sensory loss.    speech difficulty.    comprehension difficulty.    communication difficulty.    tics.    defiant behavior.    irritable mood.    vindictiveness.     aggression.    pyromania.    kleptomania.    paranoia.    attention seeking.    narcissism.    avoidance.    dependency.    pica.    rumination.    food restriction.    food binging.    purging.    soiling the bed.    insomnia.    fatigue.    sexual dysfunction.    delirium.    developmental delays.

explanations / elaborations on any of the above symptoms:

I have several HC's that deep Dive Katherine's mental state, two of them are linked in the above info <3

#oh GOD look at all of her SYMPTOMS #MY POOR BABY #headcanon #this was fun to do

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hi!

So im doing a research project on DID in class and wanted to get some opinions and personal opinions from people who actually have DID, rather than exclusively relying on medical info. So, if you'd like to pass this on to your followers, I have some questions.

(Specifically only for people with DID in this case, just since that's what I'm researching, I know there are plenty of other ways to be plural)

-what is, in your opinion, the best way to summarize DID? like, describe it in 1-2 sentences briefly.

-what is it like living with DID? Any details are appreciated

-what is something that is unlikely to be found on medical websites that is good to know and add to my project?

-anything else you want to add

Answer as many as you want

I hope this is okay to send here

Hello! We’re diagnosed with DID, so we’ll gladly answer these questions and encourage our followers with DID to do the same!

[1] As we’d define it, DID (dissociative identity disorder) is a mental disorder characterized by dissociation and two or more separate self-states or personalities in individuals with a history of repeated childhood trauma.

[2] Living with DID is certainly challenging. We deal with lots of memory issues and daily amnesia, trauma flashbacks, a lack of a sense of self and identity, and lots of depersonalization/derealization. Our DID has in some part caused us to develop other mental disorders like depression and anxiety, and we have trauma-induced psychosis as a result of our trauma history which caused us to develop DID.

There’s also been lots of good moments that have come from our disorder. Being a system means we’re able to support, uplift, and be there for one another inside. We’re working on developing a sense of inner-community and showing each other compassion and respect. It’s a work in progress, and we rely on therapy, meds, and our spouse to help us progress and improve!

We made a post on what a typical day looks like for us as a system if you’d like more info - you can check it out here!

[3] That DID systems are people, not merely patients, test subjects, or statistics. We’re not problems to be solved and we’re more of a danger to ourselves than to society at large. DID is widely misunderstood and heavily stigmatized in society, and media often frames us as violent, evil, or incapable of taking care of ourselves - all of which could not be further from the truth. It’s up to us as individuals (singlets included!) to educate ourselves on plurality and dissociative disorders so we can break down negative social stigma and push towards awareness and equality for systems of all sorts!

[4] Nothing else to add, but good luck on your research project! We hope some of this info is useful for you - keep in mind that what we’ve shared are our opinions and perspectives as just one DID system. Other systems may have differing experiences and worldviews!

Thanks so much! And to our followers with DID, please feel welcome to answer these questions to help this asker collect more information for their project!

🌸 Margo and 💫 Parker

#dissociative identity disorder #osddid #did research #did survey

[sophieinwonderland]

I hope this isn't rude, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to. I don't know if I'm pro or anti endo. I believe hat endos' experiences are valid, but that they're completely different from traumagenic experiences, to the point that shouldn't be put in the same category, AKA systemhood. They're completely different from disordered groups, so I don't think they should use medical terms created for disordered groups, like split, alter, system, etc. Am I pro or anti? Or something else?

I would say neutral. It's probably the best fallback when neither of the other options fit.

If I might offer my perspective on this issue though...

When I came into the tulpa community, some of the systems who welcomed me in were DID systems. Many initially experienced alters as imaginary friends and after hearing about tulpas, joined the community due to how similar the experiences sounded.

In many cases, tulpamancy guides have proven helpful to these systems. Wonderland and visualization guides obviously are useful for inner world creation and immersion, helping the system build an environment to more easily interact and build communication.

But so do the tulpa creation guides. It's not uncommon for DID systems in the tulpa community to use tulpa creation guides to create tulpas. Once created, these tulpas will often be indistinguishable from alters.

In many cases, that includes blackout switching, where other alters will be unable to remember what happens while the tulpa fronts.

So what happens here?

If you believe that alters and tulpas are completely different things, one conclusion you might draw is that the tulpamancy method creates one type of being for DID systems and another type of being for non-disordered systems.

But it seems silly to me that the same creation method would result in two different types of things even though they function similarly in many ways.

Personally, I believe that there isn't a difference between an alter and a tulpa.

That's not to say experiences are the same between DID and non-DID systems. DID is a disorder. But it's not an alter disorder. It's a dissociative disorder. It's depersonalization, derealization, dissociative amnesia, often a breakdown of internal communication, and much more. But the alters themselves aren't the disorder.

Now, specifically for the point about language, what of systems in both worlds?

If a system has DID, and they create a headmate intentionally using a tulpamancy guide, is that headmate a tulpa or an alter? If it's a tulpa, does that mean it's not part of the "system" because system is supposedly a medical term that only applies to alters?

For most systems who are in both communities, there is little to no difference between types of headmates, with the same terminology being used for all headmates.

I also think these systems are some of the most valuable data points for how like and unlike these experiences actually are.

Here are some links to the perspective of one such system, their philosophy around headmates, and how the tulpa community helped them.

#ask box #syscourse #plural #endogenic #plurality #plural system #endogenic system #actually endogenic #actually plural #tulpa #tulpamancy #tulpas #pro endo #pro endogenic