#- literally the worst possible thing i can think of for this man's mental health

[genericpuff]

Hi! Maybe this is a difficult question with no answer, but as a fan of Rekindled who might want to start their own comic, what do you suggest to avoid burnout? Do you start wiht writting the script right away, you doodle a bit,..? Thanks for reading, I love how you draw big noses, makes me more comfy with mine!

no fr my dark secret is that i've been experiencing burnout with my main original project that I've spent the last decade working on for literally a year now. this isn't the first long hiatus i've taken, the longest one i've ever been on has lasted two years, and it's undoubtedly not the last i'll experience because the lump of salt and fat and tissue that is my brain often overworks itself into exhaustion like a big dummy

rekindled has been my reprieve from the burnout. it has been my vacation from years of working on the same project, meeting the same deadlines, drawing the same characters, over and over and over again since before i was in college.

if there's anything working on rekindled has made clear to me, it's that i'm still capable of drawing comics. the comic-making isn't the problem. it's just that when you work on the same project for years and trap yourself in an uphill battle, eventually your climbing gear is bound to break.

if there's another thing that rekindled has opened my eyes to, it's the insanity that i put myself through prior to rekindled that led to my burnout in the first place.

i get people telling me that they couldn't imagine doing what i do, that even before i had my assistant helping me out, i was still able to put out 30-40 panel updates every week.

but before that, i was putting out 70-90 panel episodes of my original work. every week. full color. full spread action scenes. no assistant. very little financial gain aside from a couple patrons on patreon and one dedicated viewer on twitch, which i was also streaming on 2-3 times a week.

and now that i've been working on rekindled and even finding myself often crunched for time with that, i have zero clue, no idea, a complete lack of comprehension of how i pulled off 70-90 panels a week for months on end. there's a reason it resulted in burnout and i know that now. this comparison is not for the sake of a flex - this comparison is to make it clear that much of what i do isn't the norm and isn't exactly a healthy standard. case in point, i sneezed while sweeping up yesterday morning and it caused a muscle strain in my lower back/hips and i've been working out of my bed since, i'm in a lot of pain and it might mean i don't make any money this week if it's not better by the time i have to do my appointments at my day job on thursday. my need to create my personal passion projects is often at odds with my bad habits of not taking care of myself 。゜゜(´Ｏ`) ゜゜。

when it comes to tackling burnout, your guess is as good as mine. really it just comes down to rest. when burnout - real, true burnout - hits, it's not just "man i'm bored of working on this", it's "i can't even think of looking at this thing let alone working on it", it's basically akin to depression and it's an awful thing that i wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy (even with Rachel, I don't want to psychoanalyze her mental health but it does seem like she's possibly been experiencing burnout with LO for years now and that really sucks for her if that's true). so the solution is just as complicated as the cause, it's not something that you can just rest from for a week and come back from, it takes real long-term healing.

when I found my way out of that 2 year hiatus, it was in spring of 2019 and I decided to just work on a random comic page that wasn't even in the comic I was working on. and then suddenly it was like a switch flicked back into the on position and i didn't even finish what i was working on, i just went back to my original project and i kept working on it until it was finally finished at the end of 2021. as suddenly and randomly as it had set in, it was gone. but i can't just do the same thing this time, it just doesn't work that way.

that said, through all this, i've learned that my need to create is not restricted to any one tangible thing, i'm not doomed or designed to stick with the same words, the same faces, the same ideas until the end of time. while i do try to keep up healthy routines for myself to ensure i'm looking out for my future self and their deadlines and their upload schedules, sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants. and in my case, the heart wanted to take a break from the self-reflective psychological analysis dark fantasy weebo stuff and just draw some pink and blue characters a little less ugly. the self-reflective weebo shit will still be there when i'm done with the pink and blue stuff, and i'll surely have loads of new things to unpack through it once i return.

there are still times when i'm working on rekindled and i'm feeling the creeping hand of my routine destruction digging its claws into my back. the reality is that 30-40 panels is still a lot for someone like myself who's doing this entirely for free, but my definition of normal for a while was so insanely inhumane that even what's still considered a lot by most people's standards feels sane and normal to me after what i put myself through.

i've learned to be more gentle with myself, and to loosen my own expectations of what i'm capable of to ensure i don't do anything like that to myself, by myself, again. i give myself room to create without expectations or the pressure of eyes watching when i can, and i remind myself that even if burnout rears its head again, and again, and again, the will to create is not gone. it's just tired, and resting, and growing, and healing as i am.

anyways that turned into a self-reflective essay post, to answer your question about making stuff ahead of time, i find that's more helpful with just like, planning out a structured story (so you don't write yourself into a corner) but whether or not it helps with burnout kind of depends. because it can just as also easily be the cause of the problem because constantly seeing the stuff you wanna be drawing so far away can be just as much of a morale killer as a motivator. some of the stuff i'm super psyched to write and draw with time gate is years away and that timeline grows longer the more the burnout goes on which makes the struggle feel even more overwhelming and pointless and defeating. so plan ahead, but keep it all within your means if you can. i find what works for me is planning out just general beat-to-beat plot structures (to ensure i at least have a plot skeleton going on so i know where i'm going) then i leave the finer details to when the actual episode i've planned gets closer to fruition and i can get myself in the headspace to write it fully.

also remember that just because you're really excited and motivated to work on your comic doesn't mean you should work yourself into exhaustion - it's a good thing if you're going through the mundane of your daily routine and the whole time you're hyped af to work on your hobby/personal project/etc. because that's what will keep you moving forward, so don't spend all that hype in one place by working and working and working until you're exhausted, because that hype is REALLY hard to get back after you've spent it all.

long post over! hope that helps! best of luck in your projects! ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡

#also aaah thank you for the nose compliment haha #i love drawing different kinds of noses <3 #ama #ask me anything #anon ama #anon ask me anything #self post

[mushigima]

Ghost headcanons because I love me a mysterious masked man

König headcanons can be found here.

-> a very literal man. A lot of people around him might think he’s a mystery but they’re just blinded by the mask - if you actually interact with him on a daily basis you’ll quickly find out that he’s very straightforward and transparent at and off work.

-> also starting off strong with the fact that I believe he’s generally not a jealous person, not even in a relationship. I do think he has his insecurities and he def gets in his sappy moods once in a while but generally knows that yearning for things he has no influence on is very contra productive. Tries his best to always stay in the moment and to not get into his head too much (because he usually does).

-> But on the other hand I can see him being a tat…possessive... Being possessive doesn’t translate into him being very emotionally reactive about it tho. Makes sure that his fears of losing what’s ‘his’ stay fears and realizes them as purely imagined. Again, I think he knows very well that he’s an avoidant person. However, if he gets insecure and therefore struggles with possessiveness, it starts with a flicker and then a spark: usually hes good at catching it. It won’t start a fire within him. But if it does he’s getting into his head, being suspicious. Will translate into on and off behavior or him being more closed off at worst.

-> 100% clenches his jaws at night. Ghost is a certified neurotic, change my mind. Integrates specific rituals to sort out his mind in his routine if it’s possible (are all of these so called rituals healthy?? Not so much but as long as it keeps the thoughts into place he’s fine with it). Has tried out certain fidget toys like those small fidget cubes and has kept them near his bedside table or in his pockets from once in a while.

-> This one is a bit goofy but I can see him being the type to snore so loud the whole house will wake up when he’s drunk and passes out.

-> Also the type to push his body beyond belief and proves the hypothesis that under adrenaline humans are more capable of what we think of. Will rase the bar constantly and earns a lot of admiration for his dedication.

-> Actually really enjoys reading. Mystery, thriller, but also folklore and philosophy books. Could also listen to a few ‘work and grind’ podcasts or audiobooks when he feels his mental health and stress levels are kicking lmao but generally finds comfort in the dark and mysterious. Definitely has studied stoicism at one point in his life but knows that his temper gets the best of him.

-> Listens to ambience music and rain sounds, also uses them to help him fall asleep when insomnia is hitting hard.

-> If he ever catches genuine interest for something its becoming a niche/special interest he’ll be very particular about. Really enjoys learning and doing research until having a good grasp of the topic/skill. This might also be due to him being just a liiiiittle bit competitive.

-> That being said if he’s not doing his job he’s actually the curious type but is just very good at not acting out on impulses. If he feels save he would roam around a store for a while and look at every object, but the military (and life to an extent too) kinda excorcised the ‘child-like’ qualities out of him. If you’re lucky you see them possess this 6’4 man once in a while and he’ll be gone, lost in his thoughts thinking about this and that, observing nick-nacks like a crow that found a shiny silver spoon lol.

-> Deep, deep down is veeeery sentimental. Has no pictures in his apartment except for a box with a few pics of the boys and him underneath his bed. Reminds him of things he deems as important. Would keep one special item of yours at his place that he keeps looking at once in a while.

-> Don’t look at me but I believe this man has a wide knowledge of birds. Is very fond of them. A nerd and not ashamed of it (but no one really knows, except for soap maybe). Used to spend his time watching birds as a child, still enjoys looking at them when he’s out on a mission and has a bit of free time. Is actually comforted by their presence. He’s equally amused by their funny nature, impressed by their intelligence and also very emo about the fact that he was jealous of their ability to be free and go wherever when he was younger.

-> He’s a silent learner. Learns by observing. Especially people. He could notice that you might have some sort underlying communication issue that affects your dynamic and weeks later he comes back from the shadows and is actually tending towards your needs. Things just run smoother now and you wonder why. Will absolutely not change character and personality for you or bend himself in every direction to please someone, but is quiet aware of his own short comings. He also likes to solve problems before things escalate. He might also be a liiittle bit of a control freak.

-> That being said he is very stubborn if he wants to change and work on himself or not. If he’s comfortable sitting in his own misery because it hasn’t negatively effected his life so far why should he? His red flag is thinking that having intimate connections with people can exist without him getting changed by them in the slightest. Commitmophobe tendencies are triggered by the consequences of genuine intimacy.

-> he’s either a Capricorn, Sagittarius or Scorpio change my mind!!!!! (you can’t)

-> Yes, he is indeed a cuddly person!!! I will die on this hill, it only really shows when time and place is appropriate and he will be subtle about it but will start mewling when you hold him and stroke his back gently, intertwine your fingers and make sure to lock your legs around his!!!! Loves becoming a human pretzel with you when he has time to relax fully, but especially when you’re about to go to bed. He’s also a big fan of you laying on top of him, will start holding you or caressing you right away. He does it all the time, absentminded. Reads a book? One hand is in your hair, combing softly through it. You’re waiting in line at the grocery store?? At first you didn’t notice but his hand found yours and now his thumb is tracing circles on your hand. Def very subtle in public but enough to let you taste his sweet affection once in a while.

-> This one is one of my favs but he’s a dude that’s not getting embarrassed. Not only because most things are simply normal but because he doesn’t care. He has to make sure none of his team mates die at work you think he cares about dirty kitchen dishes?????? A pimple?????? A burp or fart?????? You must be joking if you’d think he’d waste his time thinking about these meaningless things when existential dread is all that fills up his mind.

-> Enjoys playing card games. It takes him a while to get warm but he is keen on winning. But almost always looses in the last round coming out second. Enjoys the fact that it’s a team activity the most.

#will i start writing for cod???? maybe #cod #cod headcanons #ghost headcanons #Simon Ghost Riley #Simon Ghost Riley headcanons #ghost x reader #cod x reader #cod modern warfare #cod ghost #cod modern warfare ii #call of duty headcanons #call of duty #cod imagines #ghost imagines

[moog-rt]

ᴄʏʙᴇʀʙᴜʟʟʏ [ʀɪꜱᴇ!ᴅᴏɴɴɪᴇ x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ] ᴘᴛ. 4

Links to parts: one two three four five

Summary:

Fate brought you and that purple-clad turtle together in the form of endless battles of code.You were a purple dragon recruit, and he was your target. He plays your games as you tease him with the slim possibility of victory.

You may just let him win if you are feeling particularly merciful.

Notes:

enemies to lovers (I think?); slow burn; takes place after the movie; reader is a villain

Word Count: 2632

If you’d prefer to read it on Ao3, here’s the link:

ᴄʏʙᴇʀʙᴜʟʟʏ [ʀɪꜱᴇ!ᴅᴏɴɴɪᴇ x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ]

Otherwise, enjoy!

♡ ♡ ♡

To Donnie’s surprise, you had, in fact, been quite literal in your proposal to play a game. The last thing he expected was the title screen of Mario Kart glitching its way onto his monitor. The little man with the red get-up and iconic mustache was all too reminiscent of his childhood. At the very least, this would be more enjoyable than typing endless strings of code for hours on end.

The menu for character selection opened up, and it didn’t take him terribly long to decide who to play as. That green turtle-esk character practically called to him. His opponent was quick to choose their character, as well. Toad…how fitting. You were a fungus whose spores had somehow taken root in his life, and you were now taking over in the worst way imaginable. Spreading. Sucking the life out of his innocent soul through your digital escapades.

Now, on top of that, you wanted him to entertain your sick little mind by racing you in Mario Kart. If you thought you could just beat him over and over again just because you were good at hacking, you were so wrong. At least you apparently had something to offer him if he won.

Donnie leaned back in his chair with a slight tilt of his head. What did you have to offer him? You had yet to clarify.

(11:08) Sir Von Ryan: So

(11:08) Anon: so?

(11:09) Sir Von Ryan: What exactly do I get if I win?

(11:09) Anon: well~

(11:09) Anon: we’ve got a few options to choose from, my dear

(11:10) Anon: a. i can just back off for a while. you can either use that time to chill or attempt to attack our servers. whatever floats your boat

(11:10) Anon: b. i can show you how to get around one of the major algorithms i’ve been using

(11:11) Anon: c. i can give you your blueprints back :)

(11:11) Sir Von Ryan: C!

(11:11) Sir Von Ryan: YOU MUST GIVE ME BACK MY BLUEPRINTS

Donnie had replied before he had even thoroughly thought out his options. Looking back, maybe the first offer would have been best, all things considered. Some time to actually sleep and eat and maybe go out on missions with his brothers again may be beneficial for his health, both mental and physical.

(11:11) Anon: okie dokie! no takesies backsies :P

He couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the childish response.

(11:12) Sir Von Ryan: Yeah, Yeah.

(11:12) Sir Von Ryan: Let’s just get on with it.

You couldn’t help but pout a bit at his lack of enthusiasm. Who wouldn’t be excited to tap into their inner child through a light-hearted game of Mario Kart? Maybe he just didn’t want to show it. The stoic type of you will. That had to be it!

The two of you went on to choose and put together the vehicles you’d each be using. Finally, it was time to begin.

(11:15) Anon: are you ready?!! :D

(11:15) Sir Von Ryan: Sure.

(11:15) Anon: :(

(11:15) Anon: okay…

(11:16) Anon: 3!

(11:16) Anon: 2!

(11:16) Anon: 1!

(11:17) Anon: GO!!!

Neither of you had been left in the dust as all the cars peeled out of the starting point. You quickly gained first with Donnie just a couple of cars behind you. Barely any time had passed before the first set of item boxes made its appearance. Luck was on your side as you got a banana peel. You wasted no time in placing it down, which promptly took out the Bowser that was hot on your tail. Donnie took the opportunity to decrease the distance between the two of you.

You could see the tip of his car at the bottom of your screen as you did your best to cut corners and be as efficient as possible with your driving. However, in the blink of an eye, he seemed to have disappeared completely. Maybe he got hit with a shell. You shrugged to yourself and pressed on.

A few seconds passed before you noticed the pretty little “1st” at the top of your screen changed to “2nd”, leaving you baffled. Nobody had passed you. In fact, other than Donnie, no one was even close to you. You also figured that Donnie had gotten bumped far enough behind that you wouldn’t have to worry about him.

You weren’t left wondering for too long as his car dropped in front of you. How could he have gotten ahead? You were certain you already knew about most of the shortcuts on each map. You couldn’t wrap your head around it…

It took you a second too long to react to the banana peel that was promptly placed right in front of you. You hit it and started to spin out, creating an unwelcome gap between the two of you.

You adjusted your grip on your controller as your nostrils flared.

“Oh, it is on,” you seethed.

Meanwhile, Donnie was laughing maniacally as he pushed on.

“That’s right, you menace! EAT MY PEEL!” he screamed at his monitor. He leaned back in his chair to return to his wild laughter as his legs kicked in the air. However, his excitement got the better of him as his right foot knocked over a cold mug of coffee that had been marinating on his desk for who knows how long.

“Shit!” Donnie hissed, scrambling forward to try and catch the cup before it fell and broke. He rummaged frantically around for any napkin or towel that may be lying in hopes to get the spill somewhat cleaned up. He ended up opting for a dirty hoodie, which he simply wiped across the mess before leaving it. He had to get back to this game.

His sudden halt just after taking first left you surprised. To your knowledge, he hadn’t gone off-road or gotten hit by anyone’s attack. In fact, on the mini-map, it looked like he wasn’t moving at all. You were left utterly puzzled.

Something was obviously wrong on his end, which left you feeling weird about continuing. The whole point of offering him this deal was so he could catch a break. If he was having an issue that prevented him from playing then what was the point? You decided to press on, but you couldn’t help but steal glances at the mini-map every few seconds to check on his status. If you ended up winning, you could always suggest playing for best 2-out-of-3 so that he had another chance.

By the time Donnie was able to turn his attention back to the match, he was all the way in 8th place… His heart dropped.

This was okay. This was fine. Donnie was totally not going to lose his mind.

He took a deep breath in as he got back into the groove of the race. This was still only the first lap. He still had a chance to catch up. He exhaled. This was not over.

It was easy enough for him to pass a few of the bots, getting him to fourth place by the end of the first lap. For the second lap, he took every shortcut in the book and resorted to more hostile tactics when needed. He wouldn’t hesitate to pelt anyone with turtle shells so long as they were in his way. By the end of that lap, he was back in second.

For a while, you were still nowhere in sight. However, after taking another shortcut to save himself more time, your character finally appeared over the horizon.

An evil grin stretched across his face. The last item box he got gave him a Bullet Bill.

“I am going to demolish you,” he growled and activated his item.

The distance between the two of you was gone before you could even process the fact that he was catching up. Your reaction time left something to be desired as he plowed right through you, sending you spinning off of the map.

After gasping and sputtering a few curses under your breath, a competitive grin appeared on your face. You gained control of your vehicle and made your way back onto the track, gradually building up speed. You only had a banana, which was useless unless you could get back in front of him.

Your initial intent on letting him win was forgotten as your competitive drive took over. In a few seconds, you were hot on his tail, trying your hardest to bump into one of his wheels to send him spinning. However, every time you inched to the side to get around him, he would find a way to avoid you.

Your body was growing tenser with each failed attempt, and your heart rate was increasing. The mini-map showed the finish line just around the corner, so you kept close to the inside curve in hopes that it would give you the slightest advantage you would need to pass Donnie and win. He had a similar idea though, and as you began coming up on his side, he veered into you, sending you flying.

“Fuck!” you cried. You could do nothing but wait for your character to stop spinning as you watched your opponent cross the finish line. You followed after him at a much slower pace. The game was over.

It took the turtle a moment to fully process what had just happened. He could only blink as he watched the winning screen play in front of him. His eyes widened, and the tips of his fingers covered his mouth as he began to smile.

Donnie’s desk chair was thrown back violently from the speed at which he stood up, hands raised high in the air. He couldn’t help but shriek out triumphant laughs as he began dancing around his room, shaking his booty every which way. Occasionally, he would trip over the forgotten trash and clothing that had built up on his floors, but he was quick to recover. The sweet smell of victory was too potent for him to be distracted by such frivolous things.

The guy was practically bouncing off the walls.

His sudden explosion of energy left him wheezing as he crawled his way back to his desk. With a maniacal grin on his face, he began typing to his opponent.

(11:31) Sir Von Ryan: HAHAHAH!!!

(11:31) Sir Von Ryan: TASTE THAT DEFEAT!!!

(11:31) Sir Von Ryan: TASTE IT!!

(11:31) Sir Von Ryan: I WAS PRACTICALLY IN LAST YET I STILL TRIUMPHED

(11:31) Sir Von Ryan: WHAT SAY YOU TO THAT, YOU VILLAIN

(11:32) Anon: shush it >:P

(11:32) Sir Von Ryan: Oh, yes. I am SURE you would love to brush your sorry excuse of a defeat under the rug. Now, wouldn’t you?

(11:32) Sir Von Ryan: Unfortunately for you, I shall not allow that!

(11:32) Anon: >:((((

(11:33) Anon: do you want your blueprints or not

(11:33) Sir Von Ryan: YES I DO

(11:33) Sir Von Ryan: RETURN THEM TO ME

He only had to wait a moment before a file popped up on his screen. Against his better judgment, he opened it right away. He was too eager to consider the possibility of it being a virus or some other type of malicious software. Lucky for him, you were true to your word. Within the file, he found every single blueprint that had been so savagely stolen from him.

He couldn’t help but tear up…

“My sweet, sweet babies!” he cried out. The monitor was quickly pulled into his embrace as he planted endless kisses on its screen.

♡ ♡ ♡

When the game ended, you sat frozen for a while. The loss made your heart feel a bit heavy. Usually, when you lost at games like these against your siblings, it was because you were letting them win. While you were intending on doing the same for Von Ryan, you were quickly forced to realize that you weren’t in that position of power when playing against him. He was far more skilled at games than you initially pegged him for. It was naive of you to assume that, just because you continuously bested him at code, you would be better in the area of gaming, as well.

Your attention was grabbed by several messages pinging from his end. It was evident that he was happy with himself as he rubbed your loss in your face. With a huff, you changed the subject back to his blueprints and sent them his way.

You released a long breath and slumped back in your seat, gaze still trained on your screen. What a pleasant surprise, you thought as a smile etched its way onto your cheeks. Not one of maliciousness or mischief, but of content. The way your heart raced during that game… It had been so long since you felt such an adrenaline rush. It made you eager to make another deal.

With a sigh, you finally turned off your PC and monitors and stood up. Due to your excessive LED décor, your shadow was constantly pivoting around you as you padded your way across the room. You glanced over to the wall of ceiling-to-floor windows, but all you could see were the reflections of the various neon signs and ambiance lighting you had hung all around your room.

With a huff, you threw yourself onto your bed and crawled into the center of it. You remained sitting up in a crisscrossed position as you opened your phone. With the click of a few buttons, your room went dark, and a new set of lights revealed themselves in front of you.

Your wall of windows framed the city of New York perfectly. You’ve tried more times than you can remember to count all the skyscrapers, but you would always end up losing track. Every night, the patterns of glowing windows differed. If Von Ryan really was the same Donnie as April’s friend, there was a chance that he was one of the thousand or so lights that helped to illuminate the city.

Your head fell to the side as you stared out at the man-made landscape. You hoped he was happy to have his designs back. You know that you would be if you were in his shoes. Despite going against the purple dragons in a way, you didn’t think that they would be too bothered. After all, so long as they had their copies of the blueprints, they would be able to proceed with their plans as they would if you hadn’t sent Donnie’s copies back to him. They would be none the wiser.

You leaned forward to get a better view of the streets. Your eyebrows knitted together as you took note of how few cars and people were out. You lived in a fairly busy area of Manhattan. Usually, those streets were far more crowded.

You checked the time on your phone and cringed. April had arranged plans with you early in the morning, and you should have been asleep already. Had everything really gone by that quickly?

You straightened out your legs and allowed your body to fall backward onto your mattress with a slight bounce. You tugged your covers completely over your head as you rolled onto your side and shut your eyes. However, after only a moment, you pulled the blanket back down just enough for you to peek over at your desk. Your eyes immediately landed on your monitor, and a soft smile adorned your lips.

You were right after all.

He was going to be quite the challenge for you.

♡ ♡ ♡

#teenage mutant ninja turtles #Rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #donatello #donnie #rottmnt donnie #donatello x reader #donnie x reader #rottmnt donnie x reader #rise!donnie x reader #april o'neil #rottmnt april o'neil #Bootyyyshaker9000 #othello von ryan #cyberbullyfic #cyberbullyff #tmnt #rottmnt

[todayisafridaynight]

You were SO quick on the draw with the tweet I was genuinely caught by surprise when the first notif came up and it was you lol. Again, thanks so much for the support! I was very much already insane when I started working on the wiki, so no worries there <3

Exactly! I won't expect too much either, but it really does feel as though we're living in the Mine Renaissance (The Mineissance, if you will). Also, you draw INCREDIBLY fast even if you're not going in prepared, so could've fooled me! It really is such an honor to inspire some of your works in some way though, because you're 1000% one of my favorite RGG artists and my favorite Mine artist.

Annnd yeah, that's why I feel bad about bringing the drama to you, though it does feel a little better knowing you and Anon noticed there's a certain pattern to the QRTs. Something I've been thinking about again too is just how much of a missed opportunity it was to kill him off directly after having Kiryu go "As long as you live, […] it's never too late to change."

And then he goes on to live for literally five more minutes? It's true he had a change of heart in that time, but the decision he made was the worst possible decision for everyone. Of course, I hear dying is pretty bad for your health, but there's the Hakuho Clan and the Tojo Clan directly; a lot of people lost their livelihoods and were displaced, and it resulted in the severe financial strain that led to the events of Y4.

But it was more than just that, right? He never had a chance to even attempt to make amends for things like the orphanage fiasco. And I completely agree on how it would've affected Daigo, too. Like, that was his best friend, not even speculating, and not only did he lose him but also nearly every pillar in his life; even Kiryu's stabbing was Mine's fault because of the way he radicalized Hamazaki.

Mine and Kashiwagi "died," Majima checked out mentally, and Kiryu went back to his old life without so much as putting rest to Daigo's worries that Mine wasn't the man he thought he was. So when we finally got that closure for how Daigo reacted to the aftermath of Mine's death in RGGO and Daigo said "u were 😠😢 such a fucking dumbass, man 😡😭" I felt that.

So I think bringing Mine back is not only NOT a disservice to the themes and narrative, I think his death was more of a disservice and bringing him back would be the perfect way to begin to address those mistakes. Because a man has no choice but to change in (at minimum) 15 years.

And if he's working at Survive or the security company or whatever else, well, that's perfect, right? It's his "next life," and this time he is worthy of being with the people he cares about.

It opens a lot of doors for other characters too. Of course I'm 100% in favor of having Ryuji in as takoyaki salesman, but we're also starting to get a lot of "shadow-realmed" characters back, aren't we? Kuze in RGGO, the Joon-gi Han Dynasty, even having the lieutenants and many, many one-off characters in Ishin, not to mention the possibility of Jo and Arakawa in Y8 or even the fact Judgment got a sequel. All these characters that in the past would have been almost guaranteed never to come back in any form.

With Ishin Kiwami, too, actually, that's one more reason it'd be really sweet to have Mine back. Because the specific way in which the casting for the core Miburoshigumi group has changed has made it so all of them have met each other in the present except for Mine. Adachi's met everyone (and is still close with Kashiwagi), Majima's met everyone, Saejima's met everyone, Kiryu's met everyone, Kashiwagi's met everyone, and Zhao's met everyone. But Mine only got to meet Majima, Kiryu, and Kashiwagi. Not totally sure when I'll be done with this piece working off that idea, but…

But yeah! I'm definitely posting about the Mystery Man later today. Probably a Tumblr-exclusive though, there's no way I can get nuance across on Twitter and I don't want people running with it lol

I get told a lot that I draw pretty fast, so I'm glad I haven't made an exception when it came to the Mine announcement LMAO. And even if I said I won't expect anything major from RGG, it really is nice that Mine's starting to show up more in RGG discussions (lest I forget about merch either. I wish that Mine hoodie wasn't a raffle prize, I want it SO bad....), so even if there's nothing immense for him in the main games it's nice to see RGG acknowledge him again!

And I'm sure I've said it more than necessary, but I still can't say thank you enough for enjoying my work! It's just as much of an honor for you as it is for me for you to enjoy the things I make- definitely helps me feel better whenever I'm doubtful in the work I produce, that's for sure ^^

Back to Mine dying though- that's what I've been saying for months! It's not just an issue with RGG and their tendency to kill off characters despite preaching that people should be able to have second chances, but Mine's 'sacrifice' specifically has SO many ramifications that that follow it due to his status in the Tojo, and the Tojo Clan chairman's most genuine companion.

To go on a mini tangent on Daigo since it's related, I don't have to stress any more that Mine really was his only actual equal in the franchise. It's as you said: Kiryu would 'die' (get stabbed in actuality of course) not long after Mine and would resume life at the orphanage, Kashiwagi's out of commission, Yayoi just seems to be perpetually MIA, and Majima's only really here due to the request of Kiryu (and let's be honest, Majima would much rather be doing his own thing than being stuck in the Tojo). Daigo doesn't have anyone to just be human around- and on top of having to take care of THOUSANDS of men and especially wanting to live up to Kiryu's expectations, it's honestly surprising Daigo didn't commit to dissolving the clan sooner.

The Kirin's Dream RGGO story is one of my favorites because it did show us how Mine's death affected Daigo. Like it really helped heighten that no, Mine wasn't JUST another member of the Tojo Clan to Daigo. It really helped seal the deal that Daigo cared for Mine just as much as Mine did for him- just the amount of doubt Daigo had in himself in being a good friend to him (by word of the bartender to Mine) makes me want to scream. If Mine really were to ever show up in the mainline series again, my only major dream is for him and Daigo to finally share that bottle together- it MUST be crazy good by now if it's been shelved for 15 years... UGH I could talk about them forever (as I'm sure we can all tell at least a year into my postings LMAOO) like I could practically see and hear Daigo on the verge of tears as he realized what Mine did for their bar. Point is, the depth in which Mine's death affected the people around him cannot be understated, and we're definitely allowed to say his 'sacrifice' was more out of what Mine thought everyone wanted than what everyone actually wanted (dare I say Mine might have wanted to avoid the possibility of Daigo hating him, but I'll save that for another insane post).

For Mine to come back, it would be a nice way of Mine getting that 'second chance', even if it is just living quietly as a Survive Bar employee or some other low-key occupation. Again, the Tojo Clan and virtually everyone a part of Mine's old life has gone away and/or moved on, him coming back would do nothing aside from give him a total restart on life, and this time he can 'prove' that he's worthy of the respect of the people around him like he wanted.

In regards to more 'shelved' characters coming back, I really don't have any opposition to it. I already take RGG half seriously (and I'd hope RGG themselves are more inclined to have fun with their games than be super-serious about it), so to see old, dead characters come back is always more funny to me than anything worth getting mad about and I'm happy to see more of it (especially if they aren't brought back in glamorous ways and are just slapped into the setting LMAO)!

And you're totally right about the re-cast decisions made in Ishin! I'd love to see the finished version of this drawing: it looks so sweet so far, so I'd love to see it fully done when you get around to it !

#long post #snap chats #and no complaints about making it tumblr-exclusive: twitter scares me sometimes too so LMAOOO #buuut i'll definitely be on the lookout on posts from your blog this week :]]

[runfast-runfar]

So life has been… eventful lately to say least

12/7/22

✨ so this month has been a ride, and it’s a week into it 😅

I have been having on and off back pain/muscle spasms for a few weeks now and it’s gotten significantly worse. In 2019 I had what was believed to be a pinched nerve which mimicked these symptoms, but unlike last time, it’s not getting remotely better. It got so bad that I ended up going to the ER on Monday of this week and there they became suspicious of a stroke. Low and behold an MRI of my brain showed damage from a stroke. Apparently younger people are more likely to have a “silent stroke” than a typical one. So now the worry is why I had a stroke and if it is a result of an underlying condition.

Also, side note, do other peoples IV injection sites bruise and HURT or is it just me?!

✨ so I have an x-ray scheduled for tomorrow which will show if I have any sort of growths potentially causing neurological problems. And then after the x ray we will be scheduling an MRI potentially followed by a lumbar puncture.

✨ I was in the ER and in the room next to me was a woman who had her family in there with her, and it made me so sad to realize I never have that when things go wrong. My mom always thinks I’m overreacting and when I asked my brother if he would come he got annoyed and said he’d drop me off but that’s all (it was early). And that just makes me pretty sad to think about I guess.

✨ it’s never a good time for health issues to arise, but man was this all awful timing. I am 5 weeks into my new temp to hire job and am having to request time off for doctors appointments etc and it’s crushing me bc I know this might mean I won’t get extended a full time position. It’s not like I’m an employee and they will let me go (that’s a potential lawsuit lol) but they can very easily just say it didn’t work out at the end of my temp time and I know if that happens it’d be bc of this situation which would suck.

✨ but I’ve been trying very very hard to not jump to worst case scenario with all of this. As hard as that’s been! But its been tough bc I have been literally sedentary; anddddd I JUST GOT MY OWN PELOTON literally the day before all of this happened and I haven’t even been able to ride it once bc of my stupid back! I can’t even go on walks bc of it. And that’s been, mentally, extremely extremely hard.

✨ so if you can, please cross your fingers that whatever is going on is benign and treatable and I’m back to running/biking/dancing around as soon as possible. My heart honestly needs it so so much.

✨ and then I included some pictures from before my back got really bad and I was out and about enjoying the California winter weather ♥️

#me #life #personal #runner #running #vegan #recovery #mental health #climbing #climber #college #boulder #bouldering #health #yoga #yogi #anxiety #depression #thea #back pain #health problems #hospital visit #peloton #peloton bike #Robin arzon is bae #Robin arzon

[spencersweatervest]

LOSING TIME [ONE-SHOT]

character(s): spencer reid, jennifer jareau

tags: drug use, drug addiction, post-episode: s02e15 revelations, mental health Issues, hurt, eventual comfort, just thinking about spencer going through withdrawls and addiction alone again

summary: or, five times spencer struggles with addiction alone (and one time he doesn't have to)

i.

when spencer gets home from a 24-hour surveillance watch at the hospital, two bottles of dilaudid hidden in his bag and then smuggled deep into his pockets, he feels fine.

at least, that's what he's telling himself. and he has the statistics and scientific proof needed to show that people have survived in worse conditions. so he's fine.

he is breathing. he is blinking. he is fully functioning, with all the brains and bones and blood he had before (well, maybe a little bit less blood, but he has the statistics for that, too.

there's four levels of blood loss, each getting progressively worse and more dangerous than the last.

one: the first 10-15%; lightheadedness, maybe nausea, especially if you have to look at it.

two: 15-30%; about 1-2 liters. presents cooling of the skin and quickened heat rate to be kept alive.

three: 40%; most likely in need of a transfusion, extreme heart rate. small blood vessels constrict, symptoms may feel like death.

four: 50% or more; the deadliest. comatose state, the heart stops beating, causing organ failure. with rapid medical treatment, survival may be possible, though unlikely.

if he felt some or more of these symptoms while in the hands of a man playing god, that was his business.

he was fine.

is.)

he wonders if when he says it aloud, it sounds as desperate as he does in his head. if it's as raw as he feels. on the worst nights, when his head is pounding behind his eyes and below his scalp, he wishes he'd lost a little bit more blood, wished tobias has granted him just a sliver of peace.

he thinks the only thing grounding him is the needle in his shaking right hand and the liquid he fills it with. he pushes it into his skin and watches it drain, before taking off the turniquet and staring at his ceiling.

he feels himself disassociate and in the small silences and stretches of wasted time, where the only thing that matters is an escape from the pain he says he doesn't feel, he almost manages to convince himself that he really is fine.

but his mirror is shattered from a bad night that ended in nothing but a mess and bloody knuckles, and he knows the dark bags under his eyes and the red surrounding his pupils and his hallowed out cheeks isn't just a result of the broken glass. there are tiny scars on the inside of his elbow, from desperation and addiction that bleed from where he scratches absentmindedly. maybe, if he weren't so fucked in the head all the time, he might care more.

but the clock strikes three, and it's just another reminder that he has something to spend his time doing. even if it's not ideal.

he swears he'll stop. he knows the others know, even if they don't explicitly say - hotch had not so subtly slipped him a business card of a therapist when he'd asked for time off, and morgan had been side eyeing him ever since their last plane ride back. maybe he should feel more grateful, but the only thing he really feels lately is a thick, hot red anger, and a molasses exhaustion.

he watches the clock continue ticking.

he swears he'll get better. eventually. but, for right now, he's fine.

ii.

it's been seven years, eight months, and twelve days since spencer has owned a calendar.

when you have the constant mental tick tock, tick tock of a countdown in your brain, you find you have no real use for one. and spencer can - does - countdown everything; how long it's been since he's graduated, how long it's been since he's gotten his first, second and third phd, separately, how long it's been since he's eaten a full meal or gotten the recommended minimal eight hours of sleep, how long it's been since tobias, how long it's been since his last hit.

it's all kind of draining, if he's being honest, but he can't find a way to make it stop.

so it just keeps ticking.

but nonetheless, when he's desperate for solutions and feeling a million miles away from everything, he buys a calendar.

he drives to the nearest store, picks out one of those miniature, cheap fifty cent ones, with dogs and cats and birds on every other page and a printout of the months on the rest that garcia would love. he crosses out every day up until april 19th in red sharpie, and then circles the 26th in black.

seven days. one hundred sixty eight hours. ten thousand eighty minutes. six hundred and four thousand eight hundred seconds.

tick tock, tick tock.

there are the things that come easy to him - mathematics, science, logic. if he can break it down into manageable chunks and numbers, put it in boxes, organize it, then he can appreciate it.

it's not so easy when he can't.

he's not good at confrontation, never has been. sitting back and suffering through the boxes and numbers and chunks is better than standing up and doing something about it. easier.

he can't do that now.

he is two days in and shaking, trembling, nauseous, and sweating, and more desperate than he's ever been when he trades a watch he got for his twelth birthday from his mother for fifty dollars worth of a poison.

when he wakes up, head pounding and muscles aching, hours later, he looks to the aide at the bottle on the floor and the tourniqet still tied painfully around his arm, and the only thing he feels is anger.

he wants to stop fucking up, wants to be able to function like a normal person without the drugs, wants to force tobias to dig his own grave while he aims a gun at him, wants to point a gun at himself and pull the trigger, and he stares at the dilaudid bottle and thinks he's never hated himself or something more in his life.

he stands and rips off the tie, breaking it at the knot. he bends down and picks up the half empty glass bottle, so, so angry and throws it at the wall.

it shatters.

iii.

garcia calls at 3:36 on the third attempt. morgan calls at 4:21. garcia calls again at 7:53.

he ignores them. considers throwing his phone against the wall, not unlike he did a few weeks ago with the dilaudid, but ultimately decides against it.

he needs a distraction.

there are things he can do, in the area and otherwise - trails to walk, parks he can visit, libraries to clean himself in - but standing up, walking to his door and opening it, stepping past the foyer, going down the stairs, and into the outside feels insurmountably impossible.

there's another possible distraction.

and - god, what the fuck is wrong with him? because between the need for a distraction and the temptation and the helpless feeling that just keeps growing and how tired he is -

he's just tired.

that's all.

he can't feel mad. he can't feel sad. he can't even feel disappointed. he's just tired.

if he does this, its not like he can't restart. it's not like if he does it just one more time, that's it for him. there's no one offering help. and there's no one stopping him.

he fills the syringe, before he can change his mind, if he had the will for that, if he really cared at the moment.

it's more than he's used to, but naybe it'll help his exhaustion.

iv.

spencer has failed at a lot in his life.

his gun training, for one. being a good son. being physically fit. being a profiler, on the bad days. not failing.

he has never felt it weigh on him more than now.

every time he glances, thinks, pauses, considers the dilaudid no longer sitting on his nightstand, or in his bag, or pocket, or behind the bathroom mirror, he fails. everytime it's just one more hit, that's all, he fails.

he'd failed from the beginning. maybe he could blame tobias the first time, but he is no longer holding a gun to spencer's head and telling him to dig his grave; he is doing it on his own.

there's two things that are required for recovery, according to na.

the spiritual principles: acceptance, hope, faith, courage, honesty, patience, humility, willingness, brotherly-love, integrity, self-discipline, and service.

a lot of these don't apply to spencer. the obvious ones like courage and brotherly-love and integrity, but also acceptance and hope and faith. he's never been one for any of these things.

and then, after you let all that into your heart, you have to move on to the twelve steps: admittance, belief, surrendering, understanding, confessing, allowance, acknowledgement, amends, continuance, improvement, and awakening.

it's all bullshit, he thinks. and maybe it wouldn't be, if he was religious. maybe it wouldn't be if he wasn't so tired. maybe it wouldn't be, if he could bother getting past the first part of it all.

these are the only things you need for recovery, they say. redemption.

tobias hankle had promised redemption. benjamin cyrus had, too.

look at where that got him.

v.

he tells himself if he messes up again, he's better off dead. he tells himself that this time, this time, if he fills that needle and sticks it into the familiar space he knows it to go, then he might as well keep going. fill it to the top, until there's no turning back.

it's not like he hasn't thought about it before now. at least this way if he does, it's his own fault. others can't blame themselves for his actions, and he'd go down in a blissful, forgetful high.

it's hard to hold onto the things that used to be his motivation, now. he hasn't called his sponsor in months, and he's ignored his advances. hasn't reached out to morgan or emily. hasn't bothered going in to work if there wasn't a case.

there's a lot he doesn't bother with.

maybe it's better if he keeps closing himself off. it won't hurt them as bad if he leaves.

but.

he owes them. so, so much. and he's not bothered and messed up enough to know that if he doesn't at least try, just one more time, one more time, he's even more of a failure and he deserves everything that's happened to him.

so he tries.

one more time.

+ i.

it takes a long time for someone to say something.

after emily dies and comes back and spencer explodes like a ticking time bomb, on jj, who hadn't deserved it, not really, and it seems like the universe is re-righting itself, re-putting itself back together, when jj speaks up.

he knows, realistically, why they couldn't before. why they all knew he was struggling, but didn't, couldn't say anything; if they just pretended it wasn't there, hotch wouldn't have to report him, and he wouldn't have his job, now.

still, sometimes he wonders if it was really the best option.

jj catches him, after he yells at her, back at quantico, and offers him a small, sad smile. he looks up at her warily.

"we made a mistake," she starts, and glares at him when he opens his mouth, "and i'm not talking about the decision we made with emily. i don't regret that - especially considering the circumstances. i'm talking about what the whole team did. or didn't do."

spencer's eyebrows pull together and he blinks up at her, "what?"

"we made a mistake years ago, when a member of this team was hurt. after tobias."

what hadn't they -?

oh.

"we saw how bad you were struggling, spence. we all did. and none of us did anything to help."

spencer shakes his head, "i didn't -," need help.

"yes, you did." she says, and he stares at her.

he thinks about how, for once, he doesn't have an answer to how many hours he spent laying on his bathroom floor, shaking and soaked in sweat, or staring at his bedroom, thinking and not thinking and in pain. he knows he could've reached out. knows he should've. but he hates confrontation and nobody on the team deserved that.

"i made a mistake, too." he says, and her eyes soften.

"but you shouldn't have had to go through it alone."

he purses his lips and taps his fingers against his leg, absentmindedly. "i'm okay, though, now." and then adds, "seriously." when she gives him a disbelieving look.

"will you just tell us? if you start struggling again? tell me?"

i'm sorry i yelled at you, he wants to say, but finds he can't quite, not yet. he'd still meant every word, despite the harshness of them. maybe soon, he thinks, and she smiles at him, offering a hand.

"wanna get a drink?" she asks and he smiles.

"yeah. yeah, i'd like that."

maybe soon.

#criminal minds: writing #criminal minds #spencer reid #jj jareau #jj criminal minds #jennifer jareau #derek morgan #david rossi #aaron hotchner #emily prentiss #aaron hotch hotchner #jason gideon #elle greenaway

[jupitercomet]

Bugs, the new chapter~

(And get ready, because I'm praising you a lot in this one)...

First, the angst of imagining Peach waiting for Jake and convincing herself it was better that he stood her up. (Also, I'm so very angry at the person who said that Peach must be embarrassed. Amd I know it's said in the meaning of: oh, she probably feels embarrassed, I still think it should be Jake that's ashamed.)

Then the "I should probably thank you for being so good with your hands, Doc.", bugs you got me laughing at unholy time in the morning (it was like 5 something a.m. when I started reading). And best/worst thing is? I laughed at least four times since that line.

Not Bradley not trusting anything with drawers. I can literally see Nick saying something like that. I can imagine both of them just using ✨️THE Chair✨️.

Jake feeling remorse like a hangover is such a Jake (Schmidt) thing. And not him freaking out that he didn't wish Peach good morning. I love him and yet he's an idiot, Your Honor. 😭

Him thinking Peach didn't even expect him to show up breaks my heart, because it shows how he thinks people perceive him (even though he's probably right).

On another note - I'm super interested into seeing Peach's lockscreen frog pic. 🐸 👀

The whole scene on the roof is a comedic masterpiece. From Bradley trying to be a good dad, through "Don't fucking bring that man /J*hn M*yer/ up in this house!", through "Last time I talked about my feelings, I ended up eating mozzarella sticks in the back of a strip club.", imagining Bradley trying to act out conversations with his imaginary son (laughing, crying, dying on the floor at this).

I read "Now I don't want to." and just saw Jake like this pic:

The "Famous last words" comment.

I swear bugs, I thank evry probable diety in existence that I didn't wake up the neighbours' baby with my howling laughter. They barely get sleep from the child, they don't need to worry about my mental health and a crying babe at the same time, too. (Also, if I do laugh to loud and wake up the little human, I'm holding you responsible. >:(

Jake thinking everything's back to normal and having the shock of his life. 😹 And then seeing Peach, all dressed up looking pretty (by the way, again you and your pretty dresses, like - I want literally everything you link), wondering if she had dolled up for him, too. It just gives the vibes of horny and yet sad:

Trying to make her stay and Mickey ruining his plan was so funny and adorable. And calling the boys crazy perverts, knowing full well that Bradley is the crazy one and he is the pervert.

Then in the theater, throwing popcorn at Neil. Excuse me, Sur, you're a grown ass man. Let Peach have a good time. 😤

And now I literally can't wait for the next chapter. I just want to hear Jake's half ass excuse why he's there and also, can't wait see him interact with Neil. 😈😇

Anyway, the chapter was absolutely brilliant, definitely my favorite one so far.

Also - I totally get Thor and Loki being your comfort characters.

Also yeah, I'm studying Korean (funny thing is that when I started studying first when I was in high-school I didn't even plan on it, a friend just asked me to go together and I was like: yeah, learning a new language is never a bad idea, and then she forgot to pay for the lessons and I was stuck studying it on my own. I meanz yeah, in a group, but without the friend that even convinced me to go. 😹😹😹), but I'd be completely lost during a zombie apocalypse (not only because I'm as bad at city orientation as it's even possible) because I can't put together the things I know for the life of me. 😭

okay I'm gonna do my best to use my big girl words, but if none of this makes sense I apologize lol

ugh a moment of silence to anyone who's fallen victim to loud whisperers, peach did not need that energy

peach has the most rizz out of anyone in the loft, what can I say

I have a hc that Fun Uncle Pete Mitchell has a habit of never closing any of his dressers so whenever baby Bradley stayed over he would always come home to Goose and Carol with the biggest bonks on his forehead from running into them

Jake being an over-thinker may be a common theme.....

here's peach's lockscreen!

the imaginary son thing was actually inspired by a Lee Mack clip on Would I Lie To You, so that's a fun fact!

ahhh that's exactly how I pictured Jake too!!!!

I cannot be held responsible for my phd in comedy ✋😤 (also I hope your neighbors and their baby get some good sleep tonight)

you literally sell yourself short like you know so many cool things, you'd literally be basass in an apocalypse

#tdbj— asks #acatwriteshere #what’s up doc

[mr-and-mr-mitchell]

Why are some Callum stans more concerned with Ben maybe kissing Lewis and cheating on poor woobie Cal than Ben's mental health? In the grand scheme Ben possibly cheating on Callum with a kiss while literally having a breakdown is negligible lol. If people hate on Ben and make out he's betrayed Callum in the worst way over something like that they're officially dumbasses.

I know Anon i know. I've made a point of it on twitter that Ben's Ill and has had no support from Anyone, including Callum.

I think we can excuse a heat of the moment kiss - I don't want it to happen, of fucking course I don't - But Ben isn't well at all, and Callum is Not the victim. I'm so sick of people behaving as if Callum is this poor little maiden being hurt by an evil man, instead of a fully grown man who knew what he was getting with and is more than capable of fucking up himself.

My thoughts on the whole thing:

"Also Callum has been a shit husband. He's ignored Ben, not supported him, dismissed & minimised his concerns, allowed his family to insult him and given ultimatums over support.

And Ben loves him, but he's ill and has no reason to trust him. So Callum ain't the victim here."

#ally rambling #ask #anon #anonymous #answered #ben mitchell #ballum #Callum highway

[captshipper]

I'll talk about self-harm, suicidal thoughts and undiagnosed mental health issues, and I'll also mention SA and such, beware

something I find stupid is the whole discourse people have about "don't write about this, it's my trauma/triggers me". I can 100% understand not wanting to read about your trauma or something that triggers you, I often don't read stuff because it bothers me (or even triggers sometimes). you're valid for not wanting to read certain stuff. it's admittedly hard to find good angst and whump because it can be bad for me.

you're an absolute piece of shit if that's your reasoning to call people toxic, evil and blah blah blah.

don't get me wrong, I do think not everyone should write certain stuff. extremely touch subjects should be avoided if you're not going to write it "right". that deserves a whole other post, but, for example, SA used for shock value. I'm not looking at stuff like hydra trash party, the ones I've read are very clear in the "this is a terrible thing", I'm not talking about "normal" dead dove, I'm talking about straight up "this is violent porn" (not that SA is porn). I'm talking about the ones that put it there just to make you feel something.

I, for example, struggle a fuck ton with self-harm, I'm suicidal half of the time, and everyone knows I'm mentally ill but we don't know what that is. if I was a shitty person, dude, so many people would get all my hate comments and hate asks because most people write self-harm in the worst way possible.

do you know how many times I read cutting as nothing but begging for attention? (nevermind every single person I've met that had this issue did everything to hide it)

do you know how many times I read that MC getting romance automatically stopped her? (nevermind that getting a partner is not a miracle cure)

do you know how many times I read a MC stopping wanting to die in the moment she got a kiss? (nevermind I met people that were still occasionally suicidal even when getting professional help)

it's fucking ridiculous.

I have personal experience with it, I struggle with it. I'm a 26-year-old grown ass man that literally keeps razor blades, tissues, alcohol and bandaids on his bedside table because he needs a few little cuts almost in a daily basis. I could go screaming that you, who writes terrible self-harm and suicidal characters to stop it, to go kill yourself.

but I don't.

because I'm, mostly, a normal person. I avoid what bothers me and such because people can write whatever they want. even when I think they shouldn't write this and that.

just shut the fuck up about what people can or cannot write. your experience doesn't fucking matter when I'm writing my shit. I don't care. block tag, filter tags, leave the fandom altogether.

just shut the fuck up.

#discourse #anti anti I guess? #I see it in anti discourse a lot

[creppersfunpalooza]

hide, pain, and future from the ask game?

for koi and rosé :3

cw/tw: very quick mentions of addiction, unhealthy coping mechanisms, manipulation

for Koi and Rosé

Hide

Koi

Koi hides in a much more literal sense than Rosé. He’s constantly on the run and tries to avoid attention because of that, despite being a fairly extroverted person when he’s in the proper mental state. In a less literal sense, Koi tends to hide his fear and lack of control over a situation. He’s not too hard to scare, but it’s pretty hard to get him to show it. He has a whole cycle of emotions he goes through before he finally gives in. His mental health is terrible, so he spirals a lot into paranoia and unhealthy habits (mainly smoking and drinking) as a way to avoid confronting his emotions. He’s not afraid to cry around people he trusts and he really does try to express himself, but he doesn’t want people to worry about him. He wants to be able to take care of himself even when that’s the worst thing he could possibly do.

Rosé

For Rosé, I’d say he hides his anger. He’s driven by revenge and spite, but if you asked anyone he’s worked with, they’d say he’s a very charismatic (or menacing) person. He hides behind a mask of charm and makes himself into a caricature of a person because it’s a lot easier to distract himself when he’s someone else. He doesn’t let anyone in emotionally because he no longer relates to the people he surrounds himself with. Even the most fantastical creatures seem so clueless. He lacks any sort of empathy towards other people because they’re not important to him. that’s probably not healthy my man!

Pain

Koi

“Oh wow uh, I don’t know. Most of the experiments that I went through had me completely knocked out from beginning to end, so none of those were painful. I think I have a pretty high tolerance. Tough skin or whatever.” He paused, scratching at his wrist with a faraway expression that snapped back into focus a few moments later.

“I mean emotionally it was probably realizing that none of my friends were ever actually my friends and that they all want me dead now and a person that I thought I could trust and considered my fucking family used me for years just to get me to— y’know… I… Don’t know. I don’t know why I’m still so hung up over it either. He’s a bad person. I know that. But before everything he actually made me felt like I belonged there.”

Rosé

“Pain? My, it’s been a while since I’ve experienced that. Well, my dear, you’ve got me thinking over your question! Oh, what could it be? Perhaps use your eyes. You have them for a reason. Or maybe you’re just not the best at deduction? Surely you can’t think that these are natural.” He motions to his wings with an elegant and theatric hand. “It wasn’t an enjoyable process. I’ll tell you that much, darling. Revisiting such memories would be such a waste of time… I’ve found myself drowning in them if I put too much emphasis on it.”

“Anyways, are you looking for anything specific today, or are you just here to waste my time?” His smile strains ever so slightly, but his voice is still buttery and smooth.

heee’s lyinggggg but oh wellllll :333

Future

Koi

“…I just don’t want to go back. Anything’s better than going back to that place. As long as I can avoid that, I’m getting an outcome I’m okay with. I don’t care what happens to me as long as it keeps me away from him. I don’t think I can handle seeing him. I wouldn’t be able to think. To move. I probably wouldn’t run even if I could.” He dug his fingernails into his sleeves and looked down, tense and frozen in place.

“Sorry… Aughh. We were in the middle of talking, shit. I didn’t mean to just go silent on you. But yeah uh, I’m just hoping to avoid the D.A. I think I’m doing pretty well with that. I’ve only been brought back once, and that’s only because I made a stupid mistake, so it doesn’t count.”

Rosé

“Ohh the future… That means very little to me. My actions don’t really affect me, after all. It’s a glorious thing, I can do whatever I want and face no real consequences! Boring after a while, sure, but that’s why you mix it up a bit! I like to tempt those who too have lost joy in the mediocrity that the world has trapped them in. Those with impossible desires… And then I like to watch them enjoy their gift and new life, only to find they have ruined themselves and nothing can be fixed.” He holds out a palm, illustrating his words through spirals of pink and white that crumble in his grasp seconds later. “But for me? The worst outcome I could possibly think of has already passed! Things can’t get worse! They already have dipped and fallen and I have experienced the best and worst of things! Humanity is fucking fowl! And not just them either, every living and even the non-living! Even the gods are flawed and disgusting in their own right, my dear. So in short, I don’t care what happens. I’m simply along for the journey.”

sorry this took a while i had NO motivation to write but here u go :3 feast!!! thank you for sending in the asks!!!

#oc #ocs #oc rp #oc asks #character asks #character ask game #ask game #ask blog #ask box #crep’s ocs #these are so fun when i have the motivation to do them #thank uuu!!!

[bubblesoflingflowers]

Just going to rant my emotions here as I there is no other place for me to do so.

It’s difficult to be a therapist friend when you are already so unstable. You have to dance around the things that you want to say in order to make sure that they do not misunderstand and with this not come across with the things that you want to say. I know they are someone who has a bad, like extremely bad past, but I still don’t want to be the one who talks about everything with them. Sure, I have made myself as the one who knows about anything that is mental health related and I know very much, but I still am not a professional. I can’t distance myself and make myself so that I do not have a mental breakdown.

I said to them that I am not capable to talk about things, but because I messaged to them, I supposed they though that I was fine after all? I am not. I said I cannot talk and I am only going to write one message. I am literally exhausted from just existing, so being the middle man of emotions that I do not want to have makes me exhausted. I don’t want to mince my words and expect the worst when I am trying to talk with my friends. I want to have the possibility to say “I am too tired, do not message me” without them thinking that I am rude or not understanding them. I am fully understanding them, but I need my time. I need time to not be in contact with people. I need my time to being alone. I need to have time to think about things.

I am so tired of being a therapist when I do not get paid to be one. I am so tired to being expected to be god at communicating just because I have had to make sure that people understand me and not be angry at me. I am so tired of having to compare who has the most amount of trauma or who needs the most amount of help. I just need to find some other friends so I’m not as exhausted.

When I say I am tired, one would think that they understand what I mean, but somehow not, so I just need to be so much more firmer. I need to be the one who is bitchy and does not listen to other people, just because I can’t take it. I don’t want to have to read about other people’s trauma every fucking day. I do not need to have someone who will make their bad acting about their trauma and then say it is fine. Just because they are far less mature, as they very much are, does not make it okay for them to just cross my clear boundaries. What else can I even say, but to leave me alone when I am exhausted?

Honestly with the shit happening in the world everything that I have seems so fucking trivial, but honestly there is no help for anyone. I try to get help and then get said that if I am too unstable then there is nothing that they can do. I am exhausted of everything and just want to go into the forrest and never come back. Leave the society and become part of the nature. Maybe even be part of the ocean and exist as a mere reminder that I once was in existence.

Welp rant over.

#rant post #tw rant #i am exhausted of this #undiagnosed neurodivergent #vent #let’s disappear from the face of the earth #the world is fucking horrible #i want help #i am a therapist friend and I do not want to be one #i have no idea how emotions work #it’s difficult to have boundaries when nobody listens to them

[aflyingcontradiction]

The Magnus Archives Relisten: Episode 177 - Wonderland

Jon: When did I become everybody’s satnav?

Hasn't he also complained about being used as the supernatural Google before? Jon, I think you're just everyone's entire smartphone at this point. You even do entertaining little podcast segments about local sights!

Martin: What? No, no, that can’t be right. I thought people weren’t even allowed to die any more.

I mean, that's not strictly true, though, is it? Didn't Oliver Banks explicitly say that the End can't exist as a fear without death remaining real? And really, there's no particular reason why "some people can still die" would only be true in that particular domain...

Martin: He needs to make a statement. Basira: Is that like a euphemism or…? Okay, this is getting very silly, but also I still sniggered.

Hi. How are we doing? - Jon's statement

Oh, the doctor's 'we' is a beautiful touch. So wonderfully condescending, immediately made me feel trapped (and why the FUCK do doctors irl keep doing that anyway? I've never had a doctor who used the 'medical we' who turned out to be any good!)

Well, I’m afraid I’ll have to disagree with you there. That’s not your name at all. Now don’t get agitated, I’m sure we’ll get there.

Oh, and that. That hurts! "No, you're crazy, so you no longer get to decide anything about yourself, not even your very identity. And if that upsets you, that's just another sign of your illness". The ripping away of any autonomy. Yeah, no, that's suitably nightmarish. (You could also read this from a transphobia angle, couldn't you?)

I’m here to help you, to treat you, to make it so you’re less of a… burden to everyone.

AAAAAH!

Jon: Satisfied? Basira: Fuck.

Just, Basira's delivery here. This is the most matter-of-fact way you could possibly say "Fuck".

Jon: It’s sort of, like… gaslighting, but in reverse. This place, it’s built on the fear that your mental health problems aren’t actually real. (...) Bad therapists. Let’s just say it’s the fear of bad therapists, filtered through The Spiral.

Okay, Johny, just, why this? Who in the audience needed the explanatory notes??? Trust your audience to do basic media interpretation. You have so far!

Jon: What, you think he ended up in Wonderland House at random? We’re just going to ignore it, and write him off as a ‘nasty piece of work’? Basira: We don’t have time for this.

It's the fucking apocalypse, you're literally on your way to KILL Daisy because she didn't want to live as a monster, and you still won't even stop to consider that her victims might not have DESERVED the monstrous shit she's done to them? Denial sure runs deep...

Jon: Then we should make time. You want to hear how he ended up blinding that man? Because it wasn’t a robbery. He was running away from Daisy, lashing out in a panic. The court believed it. But you believed her…

Oh, now that's a gut-punch of a revelation if I've ever seen one!

Helen: Not to sound like a squeaky hinge...

... a door metaphor? Really? Pffffft!

My impression of this episode

This episode has some genuinely terrifying moments. The concept of "Let's take the worst parts of the medical / mental health care system and say the quiet parts out loud, then combine that with the worst things your brain tells you" is perhaps a bit on the nose, but also genuinely, deeply, nauseatingly unsettling. This episode just kind of ruins itself by then proceeding to explain the point (which was already pretty obvious) in detail. Just ... there are a lot of episodes that I don't personally connect with, but TMA very rarely makes decisions that I would call "bad writing". Unfortunately this is one of them. YOU HAD A GOOD (and horrifying) THING GOING THERE! Mind, that's still not enough to ruin the whole episode for me, particularly not when that "And now for those in the audience who weren't paying attention" bit is immediately followed by a genuinely hard-hitting conversation about Basira and Daisy.

#the magnus archives #tma relisten

[yanderelovlies]

✨Galaxy Anon ✨ here!

Feel proud of it! Your work it amazing! Oh totally same. I’m thinking of making a fanfiction but for another fandom one day and one of the things that holds me back to try to publish it is fight scenes. I suck at writing fighting and I need to at least get more of an idea before I publish my work. And also because I don’t want people to steal my work.

Ooh I see. Wow then that sucks then when people asked you about that since no you’re off the clock and yet they still try to make you do things for them. Wait that long for a paycheck? Shit man I would hate it then since I’m not working six weeks to get a paycheck finally. There is rent and bills to pay.

Also my god today I know for sure the host hates me! I asked the manager if I can have two more tables and she heard her because the manager even told her as well and she nodded! And she gave me three and even worse the fact the third was when the time I told her I needed to leave. And when I told someone and they confronted her she has the audacity to act like she never heard that and that I never said that. The audacity. Man that lady is so horrible sometimes. She’s the one who acts passive aggressive so you can’t blame her for anything but she knows what she is doing.

Hooray i’m safe! Ooh that be fun! I actually never watched it ( everyone with those pitchforks put them down!). What is it actually about? Yes especially if the one who commit the crime gets barely to no consequences. I have literally heard cases where it even helps those kinds of people and the government asks why people don’t trust them. People you guys literally let horrible people put on the streets. Yeah when it’s a case that makes me horrified or mad then I know you put it down. It isn’t worth my own mental health but my heart goes out to those poor victims and families.

My god yes thank you. No offense to people who want a family early or had a kid young but I can barely function sometimes right now so why do you want a kid that young? Everything becoming more expensive these days Nope not for me. Yes though because there the ones who stay and take care of the child so good on them for standing up and taking care of things…unless there abusive then it’s better if the kid was getting adopted by a good family. But also some dads because they also stick with their kids. Guess it wasn’t meant to be oh well.

Ooh it meant I love you? Then I love ya too! Also it’s a cute habit keep doing the habit!

Awww thank you! I try to give you guys the best. Though at some point I need to edit some cause the writing on them isn't the best. If you ever decided to post any work I will be there to help and support you!

No there was a bit of mix up there. We got paid every two weeks, but our work schedule was work 6 weeks straight no days off then get 2 weeks off.

Holy shit that sounds God awful, and I'm glad other people called her out on her shit. I strongly dislike those coworkers who make your job harder for no reason. They are the worst.

So to put it without spoilers hobbit and friends go on a journey to destroy the evil ring so evil doesn't come back to destroy everything. The story is so much cooler than I described it lol but you get the idea. Oh, I agree my mom is also into true crime so when she hears something new she likes to talk to me about it. However some days I have to step away because it becomes too much. I usually go back to my own home for a while to play games. My heart goes out to the victims and their families too.

Because it was always just me and my mom I had to raise my younger siblings and let me tell you that shit was hard. I don't want to do it again any time soon. I'm cool with me, my cat, and possibly a dog. Don't get me started on father shit galaxy I don't think it's for the public lol.

Lol aww thank you 💕

#vivi talks #galaxy anon

[privacyanddalliance]

dear o 

it was never real you were just a deceit and even more selfish than me which is like how is that possible but it is you dirty little slut you the type of guy to cheat on me with a prostitute and give me an sti you are such an idiot how did you not realize that we were broken up with when you did it i think you thought we were together but i had already mentally broken up with you and i did everything in my power to deattach i successfully did i never wanted to be around your friends who bullied me and your family is dirty and unhealthy and normalize cheating if i would have just listened to you when you told me to delete my Instagram i would have never the love of my life and left you you didnt deserve it bc you would have just had a fake account like your alex target your brothers are a piece of shit like you and your mom never liked me but i dont hold any of them in high esteem i gaveher 2k but i think it funny how the truck i damaged was the one you let some other girl drive you around in i miss you a lot i miss you physically but i dont think i ever truly loved you you had the best version of me and you never appreciated me my bf would have appreciated me so much and you cheated on me when i got a trophy and took all the meaning away from my accomplishments bc they werent enough for you i think your really stupid for complaining about how everyone of your girlfriends cheated BACK you are so immature i didnt realize until i met my man bc of how smart he is i realized you were just an idiot i dont feel bad anymore for not appreciating you enough bc our bum ass made me pay so much rent you offered nothing but i do appreciate all the beautiful plants and flowers especially when they already came in vases a girl loves flowers but the gifts were the only thing you did right except i had to ask you to be that person if you were really that person you would have gotten me a birthday or christmas present our first year together but you blamed it on being broke except you were broke the entire time we were together thats why you didn't get that prostitute bc you couldnt afford it you took kekes virginity but she didnt want to date you bc you gave her an sti thats why you went back looking for me bc she didnt want you but only to try and cheat yet again but with her except she didnt want you unless you had protection bc you are a dirty little bitch none of it was real i was just being deceived you fucked it up the moment you called me a trick ass bitch for the last time then when i told you it hurt you said it doesnt matter we not gonna last we just roomies and that day i did everything in my power to not miss you at night then when you said i wish someone took you off my hands god listened to you thank you for manifesting someone to come and save me from you. all those times you tried to leave i only cried bc i need love but only cus i never thought i would find someone with a body like you except i did and i always said i would keep you until i found someone better i wanted to say when it was over not you i do feel bad but i dont when i remember you begged me and cried not to leave you when you cheated on me once but only to cheat on me again, i lost my sex drive being with you and i have suspicious that bc of that you probably got a prostitute and got that sti you dirty whore this was the second time you got infected i dont know for sure but i have peace knowing that i dont have to deal with someone i hold those standards for. in the end i did feel bad but i dont think you ever did i wish you the best even though bc if you i could have lost the ability to have kids bc i didnt know you were being a dirty little bitch and that ladies and gentlemen are the dangers of cheating you not only risk the mental health of one but physical you take away their chance for a family and that is the absolute worst thing you can do to someone equal to literally stealing someone’s organ i hope to forgive you for that bc i did care about you but you were just an illusion i loved that illusion and i still think about you sometimes but the only reason why is bc you hurt me so deeply you were engraved into my memory but so are your friends and all the girls that you brought into our lives the saddest part is i think about them but i am meaningless they have a peace i dont, i dont live rent free in their head and therefore they are more powerful 

[panharmonium]

this didn’t make it into my thoughts recap, but...that last shot of the five troop commanders overlooking their battalions made my heart feel so heavy.  

i know it’s a victorious moment in the sense that “we’ve all come together as one and we’ve put our old differences aside in the face of a common enemy” but just...the whole time when shikamaru was explaining the five units i kept wondering ‘ok, where’s kakashi; why haven’t we seen him yet’ and then he steps out onto that platform and you realize the reason he’s not down there with the troops because he’s IN CHARGE of them, and honestly i just couldn’t feel anything in that moment but sadness.  

what’s happening right now is literally kakashi’s worst nightmare.  getting drafted into a second war?  his kids being drafted into a war, with one of them fighting on the opposite side?  this is every one of his worst fears come to life.  he wanted the next generation to be the one that escaped the kind of hell that consumed his own childhood, and now look where they are.  

how awful must it feel, to be standing up there in front of all the children he helped raise and know that they’re about to enter the kind of horrific landscape he prayed they would never have to experience?  to be thrust into a war for the second time in his life, and to this time be directly responsible for the lives of 20,000 people, when his role in the death of just one person during the last war still haunts him?

this is a nightmare.  this is literally kakashi’s definition of hell.  the conversation where he’s ordered into this position is him being asked to willingly re-enter the ugliest and most traumatic period of his life, and there’s not a thing he can do to avoid it.  of course, he doesn’t complain, and he never will, but the response “then i guess i can’t refuse” is worded in a very particular way.  it’s the same wording he gives when he’s about to be made hokage (yet another responsibility he didn’t ask for) - “i’m afraid that i don’t really have a choice.”  he won’t turn down these responsibilities, because people are relying on him to protect them, and he cares too much about his community to say no.  but these roles are ALWAYS things that are forced on him.  they’re situations where he “doesn’t really have a choice.”  they’re burdens he “can’t refuse.”  they’re not things he actually wants for himself.  

the last thing kakashi ever wanted to be was a wartime general.  and the last thing he ever wanted for his kids was for them to experience the kind of battlefield horrors that still keep him up at night.  so even though the shinobi world in general might be feeling triumphant at this moment, i really think that a large part of what kakashi feels while he’s up on that platform is dread for the future facing his children, and grief for the future he wanted them to have.  

#pan watches naruto #i got lost on the path of life #naruto #meta #it's like the universe just can't accept how he's managed to bounce back from every other thing it's done to him #'uh oh he's still healthy and well-adjusted. what can we do to really crush his spirit this time' #'i know. send him to war AGAIN. and this time send his kids.' #'you know. the ones he was raising to have the happy lives that he and his dead friends were never allowed to enjoy' #kakashi will never display a hint of struggle with this because that's just who he is but #putting him in charge of 20000 people during a second war because he's a rare survivor of the first one is just - #- literally the worst possible thing i can think of for this man's mental health #and on top of that #YAMATO is GONE #possibly dead as far as anybody knows #and apart from what that means for kakashi losing the support of someone who's been his closest partner for most of the story #there's also the fact that yamato was captured in the course of protecting naruto #and it's not like kakashi needs another thing to feel responsible for but #kakashi knows that yamato didn't just stay on in this gig because tsunade told him to #yamato stayed at least partially because of the respect and affection that he feels for kakashi #and now it's endangered him #moreover - i think there's an extra layer of grimness in the fact that kakashi's second war hasn't even started yet - #and already he's embroiled in another hostage situation #'that's what happens on a mission. the enemy takes a hostage and you're faced with an impossible choice' #i'm just...honestly i am exhausted for him already and the fighting hasn't even started yet.