#-more than one day off atm w/o getting closer to trouble than i’d like w/ marks against my job

[princeanxious]

I woke up at 4 am this morning to waiat in a line, i had maybe a half an hour nap when i got back before i took my meds bc i couldn’t fall back asleep, it is my only day off, and i have been sitting here drawing dukeceit doodles for the past four hours instead of finishing my dinner and going to do the dishes and also my laundry, because i have work tomorrow, and no clean pants to wear,

And it is. 12:35am.

Have i moved yet? No.

Do i plan to? Yes!

Do i know when the fuck that’ll be because it means i gotta do chores and then get ready for bed? No, nadda fucking clue tbh. I could be awake for another three hours staring at fuck all and still get nothing done if i felt like it(and, most times, even when i *do* want to get stuff done)

I’d ask why/how my life has come to this but I’ve learned damn well to stop asking questions i dont have the energy to answer myself

#luka rants #i feel like i am an embodiment of exhaustion rn. like. i already felt that way before today bc my body sucks & so does work #but i’m also pretty sure i’m taking a slow but rapidly steepening dip in physical health and resultingly mental health as well #i sway when i sit or stand and i already have shit balance. i’m always so fucking exhausted but i dont really have the resources to take- #-more than one day off atm w/o getting closer to trouble than i’d like w/ marks against my job #so i have to save it for like. important shit #it takes a month to get enough hours to take off 1 full shift and woo boy every day i feel i’m that much closer to actually like #tripping and either busting my head open or spraining/breaking a bone from my body’s sheer lack of energy regeneration it seems #its been like. a back to back wake up get ready for work go to work come home do chores hopefully finish eating then collapse till 4 am #only to realize i hadnt gotten ready for bed so i get up and do that bc i wont be able to sleep if i dont and then wake up and repeat till #my next day off over which i literally collapse and have no ability to do anything and usually dont even get peace in resting bc #i’m expected to just. treat it like a day off and be open to going out or doing something or be sighed at because i’m too exhausted #to even fucking exist and am expected to be exciteable and sociable like i used to be but i literally do not have a sense of self anymore #i dont have the energy to do anything fun outside of sometimes drawing. not even talking about stuff i like. #it’s borderline insane to just be able to reflect on how exhausted i am and not knowing how to deal or ask for more help. and so my current #help thinks i’m just being a little lazy and god how terrible am i to just let that stand bc i feel like its true. even as i sit here and #ridicule myself for not being able to do basic shit like standing up and putting dishes away or cleaning my clothes or fucking. smiling! #i dont have the energy to ‘prefer’ anything bc all of it is just focused on surviving the next hour #the next day. the next week #‘what do you want to do with your life for/after college’ is so hilariously depressing to be asked because?? #i dont. know #i’ll be happy to make it to next week without accidentally offing myself at work to make enough to pay off the stupid medical bill #for another stupid issue in my body that should not be so severe but is anyway #maybe i dont want to go to fucking college or be expected to hone in on some future specialized career just to live life #maybe i’m not actually fucking capable of answering that question bc it seems my body is trying to off me at literally every chance it gets #god im so fucking tired