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angelicmark · 2 years

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want & need (m)

pairing: haechan x reader

genre: angst, fluff, smut

warnings: sad hyuck, thigh riding, marking, unprotected sex, overstimulation

wc: 4.4k

summary: donghyuck is in love with you. he swears he would cross the ocean just to get to you. he only wants you to love him, convincing himself that was all he needed. donghyuck is severely in love, and you’re just scratching the surface of love. you are all that donghyuck wants, but not what he needs.

➣ apart of ‘right lover, wrong time’ series

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it’s the way he looks at you.

it’s the way he feels when he sees you and the way his stomach turns when you talk. it’s the way he loves the way you move. it’s the way he stares just a moment too long. maybe he sounds a bit stalkerish, but he can’t help himself when you’re the most beautiful person he had ever seen. with the most gorgeous soul he had ever experienced.

he doesn’t realize you notice these things, but you do.

you notice the sad look in his eyes when he realizes you don’t feel the same just yet. you notice the way he shifts in his seat and clutches his stomach lightly when you talk. you notice the way his eyes don’t leave your body when you walk to grab a bottle of water. you notice how long he stares and how the look in his eyes tell you he’s in love.

but it’s a sad love.

a puppy love.

and you notice. god, you notice.

you wished you were oblivious to the signs, but it’s way too obvious when all he wants to do is be around you. you feel shameful every time you kiss him. you feel your heart clench when he hugs you, knowing you can’t return the feelings he so desperately deserves right now.

and he stays, because he hopes you’ll love him too.

hyuck’s eyes haven’t left yours for the past minute as you stand at your front door as he drops you off, “thank you for the ride home.”

“anything for you,” he smiles, but it doesn’t feel whole. it doesn’t feel real and you can feel the pain and hear the sorrow in his voice. it hurts. hyuck swallows the pain in his throat as he stares just a little bit longer than he’s supposed to, “goodnight, love.”

you lick your lips, waiting for the goodnight kiss, “goodnight.”

and when the kiss comes, you feel guilty all over again. it’s such a sweet kiss, and you know it’s full of love. love that you can’t return. you’re not sure why either. he treats you the way you’re supposed to be treated and he gives you everything you could ever want. why can’t you just love him?

soft lips leave yours, and when you finally walk inside, hyuck watches as you close your door and he feels the aching in his chest return. he knows. he knows you don’t love him the way he loves you, and it’s the most painful feeling he’s felt in a very, very long time.

maybe he’s too much. maybe he’s the problem.

hyuck returns to his car with a heavy mind that night, driving slower than usual and sluggishly walking into his own apartment.

why don’t you love him?

what has he done wrong to make you not love him?

questions swarm his head more than he’d like all night long. it’s like his head was swimming. like he was drowning. he ache in his chest never leaves, but he just hopes that one day you’ll love him the same way he loves you.

one day, hopefully, you’ll love him too.

one day you’ll look at him with stars in your eyes, rather than a glooming and pitiful look. one day you’ll say how much he means to you. one day you’ll kiss him and mean it. one day you’ll show him all your deepest secrets and trust him with your heart.

hyuck lays on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

one day, you’ll love him too.

and it won’t hurt when he stares at you. it won’t hurt when you kiss him. it won’t hurt when he listens to the way you talk so passionately about other things that aren’t him. it won’t hurt when he hugs you tightly goodnight.

one day, it won’t hurt anymore.

the pain will fade, and he’ll be happy. with you right by his side.

hyuck rolls over in bed, slowly closing his eyes and hoping to dream sweetly of you.

one day. just, one day, you’ll love him too.

“no! stop!“ you push hyuck away with a giggle. it’s so harmonious in hyuck’s brain. the sound echoing with love and passion.

hyuck smiles mischeviously, trying to rub his wet hair on you as you shove him away with gorgeous laughs. your lips separate sweetly and let out a heavenly sound. he couldn’t get enough of it.

“fine, fine.” hyuck moves back.

“you didn’t have to come over, you know.” you shift on your feet, “it’s pouring outside.”

hyuck came over at night when you called, saying you could use a little bit of his company. it wasn’t sexual, no hidden intentions and hyuck knew that. he was respectful of your distance as much as he could be, no matter how much it tore him apart.

hyuck pulls you close, but not too close to chase you away, “i know, i wanted to.”

you’ve been dating hyuck for five months now, things have been going well. too well. he was affectionate, never picked fights, did whatever he could for you. you just wish you could understand why you didn’t love him the way he needed you to.

“well, thank you.” you lean in for a kiss, and hyuck quickly responds to it with slight greed. hyuck will take whatever he can get from you. your affection was rare, but sweet.

if he could choose how to die, this would be it. in your arms, your kiss so sweet and soft and tasting of maple syrup. he wondered if you had pancakes or waffles that day. it didn’t exactly matter to him, your kisses were always so sweet no matter the taste.

when you tangle your hand in his hair, he falls apart in your hold. he was yours. he belonged to you, no one could make him feel the way you do. the aching in his chest returns the longer he kisses you, but he would ache forever if he could stay just like this.

you pull away first, looking at him with a small smile. but it doesn’t reach your eyes. how sad.

“did you want me to stay, or leave tonight?” hyuck pulls apart from you reluctantly, his hands burning just to touch you again. the pain is almost unbearable.

you shift around, “you can stay if you want to. it is raining after all.” you want to love him. you want to spend as much time with him as possible. could you fake it until you make it?

it wasn’t like you resented him or didn’t like him. hyuck was attractive, affectionate, loving, caring, perfect. he was perfect. so, why was he wasting his time on you? why did it matter so much to him that you love him? he could find someone better, someone who wasn’t so emotionally constipated. someone who knew what true love was.

but he chose you.

and, in his mind, he would choose you over and over again.

hyuck nods, “sure.”

when night turns too late and you’re cuddled up with him, you can feel your body warm up. you couldn’t tell if it was because of his own body heat, or because your heart was beating so fast being so close to him. it wasn’t a smothering feeling, and you assumed this was progress.

but does love have progress? is that how you should have described it?

you weren’t sure, you were never sure. all you knew was, for once, you felt comfort in the hold of donghyuck.

hyuck could feel you relax in his hold, and he sighed out of relief. you were comfortable. that’s all that mattered to him. he was willing to give this up and sleep on the couch just so you could be comfortable. but when you snuggled deeper into his chest in a slumber, he couldn’t stop the tug on his heart.

hyuck softly kisses your forehead, imagining this for the rest of his life. he would die a happy man.

if only you could love him.

it’s snowing.

and all hyuck can think about is how sweet it would be to kiss you out there, throw snowballs, warm up with hot chocolate and a nice fireside in his apartment. but you’re not here, and he’s not with you there. he stares out the window, watching as the snowfall builds up on the ground. he feels something wet fall down his cheek before he realizes he’s crying.

why was he crying?

hyuck realizes that he would never truly get the things he desperately desired. the things he wanted out of a relationship, the things he needed in a relationship for as long as he was with you. but why doesn’t that change anything? why does he still continue trying after all these months? you’ve known him for over two years, quickly becoming his best friend over those two years and soon enough becoming his first true love.

why don’t you love him?

what was it that he wasn’t doing enough of?

hyuck sobs quietly as he falls to the ground in soft defeat. hyuck could never give you up no matter how much he knows he needs to. he could never give up what he has with you, because despite everything, you were still his best friend. you were the one person he could lean on when things got hard. you were the one person who truly means it when they say they care. you are the one person who truly means it when they say they’ll be there for you. you are the one true person he loves, and he’s just not quite ready to give that up, no matter how damaging it is to his mental health.

hyuck couldn’t sleep well that night, tossing and turning and occasionally getting up to stare at the snow again and reminisce on the things he couldn’t have with you. sleep was difficult without you by his side, he learned. he was afraid of getting separation anxiety, but he’s aware now that it’s too late for that. the second he fell in love, he knew just how doomed he was.

hyuck sighs, shaky breaths leaving him.

he may never understand, but he’s slowly coming to terms that this is just how it is being with you. he can’t change you, he can’t convince you, he can’t force you.

he just has to hope that, one day, you’ll love him back.

no matter how long it takes. no matter how many tears he lets out. no matter how many times he starts to lose hope. no matter the aches and the pains.

no matter what, he just hopes you’ll love him too.

then, he can be happy.

“it’s cold, hyuck.” your complaints make hyuck smile a bit and you scowl at him.

hyuck wraps you in his arms, “would you like to go back inside, darling?”

the both of you were outside trying your best to make some kind of snowman. it wasn’t turning out very well, and it was also very lumpy and kind of small. it wasn’t the cutest or the prettiest, but to hyuck it was yours and his. it didn’t have to be the best looking snowman for him to love it the same way he loves you.

it was beautiful in his eyes, and so were you.

you looked gorgeous in the snowfall, so gorgeous that he couldn’t keep his eyes off you. he could see the way the snow stuck to your hair and clothes, adoring the way you look in the cold. he almost didn’t want this moment to end, watching you try to perfect a snowman that was already doomed from the start.

when you make eye contact again, he doesn’t realize the smile that had crossed his face along the way of staring at you. he feels almost creepy for staring so long, but he just couldn’t help it with the way you looked like some kind of snow princess. cheesy, but he means it.

the ache in his chest returns when you lean over for a peck on the lips, a smile gracing your lovely face. god how he wished you meant it. he wished the dull feeling in his body wasn’t caused by you. he couldn’t force you to love him. every time he kisses you, he feels as if his love is being taken for granted. every time you hug him, he feels his heart slowly start to break.

he wants to believe it’s worth it.

“are you okay?” you tilt your head in oblivion.

hyuck swallows down, “of course.” he smiles, but you could see in his eyes he didn’t mean it. you want to ask, but you don’t.

maybe you should have that day.

hyuck can’t believe this is happening. he honestly never wants this to end. this incredible, amazing feeling. you’re straddling his lap, hands in his hair, fingers tangled, kissing him with fever. what else could he possibly ask for? this was everything he had ever dreamed of and more. you were so beautiful to him, but the noises that came from your mouth when you rubbed down on his thigh? absolutely perfect. nothing compared to it. nothing compared to you.

hyuck can’t stop himself from tracing his kisses down your neck, sucking maybe a bit too hard. he marks you unconciously, but the sounds you let out were heavenly, sending sparks down his spine. you were his, you are his. as you rock your hips back and forth on his thigh, he flexes his thigh a bit to help you out. the moan that escapes your mouth is so captivating.

“hyuck..” you breathe, leaning your neck to the side for more access so he can leave even more marks down your neck and collarbone.

“yes?” hyuck licks the hickey on your neck before whispering in your ear, “what do you want?”

“please, fuck me.”

that was all he needed to flip you over, undress the both of you, and slowly enter your pussy. the moans that echo between the both of you was harmonious. his dick fills you up perfectly, and your pussy wraps around him so tightly. when he starts moving, hyuck leans down to moan and breathe heavy in your ear. shivers run down your spine at the noises.

“fuck, you’re so tight. so perfect.” hyuck’s words make you arch your chest into him.

he can feel how slick you are, how your pussy contracts around his dick. it was everything he could dream of, and more. he was in heaven. he swore if this was how he was going to go, he would be okay with it.

“i’m gonna cum..” you utter, clutching onto his back, legs around his waist.

“w-wait.” hyuck clutches the sheets beside your head, pumping into you faster and faster, but you couldn’t stop yourself. you came with a scream of his name, making him shutter into you but not stopping once as he chases his own high.

“h-hyuck,” he pumps into you into overstimulation. your pussy so sensitive but feels so good that you don’t ask him to stop, just pull him closer and claw at his back more.

hyuck feels himself fall straight into you. the aching in his chest grows, and so does his orgasm. he lets out a soft whine when he feels you cum around him again, urging his own orgasm.

“f-fuck, fuck, fuck..” hyuck moans as he cums inside, kissing along the marks on your neck and calming the both of you down.

soon enough after he takes care of you, washing you with a cloth and giving you a pair of his clothes, the pain returns.

bliss seemed to only be temporary with you.

hyuck rests his head in his hand, staring at you with stars in his eyes. there’s a dull pain behind then, although, and you feel guilty for noticing it.

hyuck neglects the truth that you’re bad for him, and he’s good for you.

hyuck asks cutely how your breakfast was, watching the way you answer with eagerness. he listens to the way you rave on his cooking, and his chest tightens. he wishes you would rave abt him in general that way. he wished you loved him the same way you love his cooking. he wished you loved him for him.

hyuck resists a sigh, “i’m glad you liked it.” he smiles sweetly, and it makes your heart speed up in your chest. you weren’t used to this feeling. your hands became clammy, your fingers fidgeting, your heart beating heavy. what was happening to you?

“of course i did, i always do.” you smile back, and hyuck finds it to be so damn angelic. you were an angel straight from heaven, made just for him.

at least, that’s what he’d like to believe. what he desperately wanted to believe.

when he starts to wash the dishes, he feels arms wrap around his torso, making him jump where he stood. it was such a warm, gentle gesture. something he noticed became more and more normal from you. you weren’t too keen on big gestures, only settling for simple ones. it made his heart hurt the longer you held him. he could feel himself start to slip.

was this love?

was it really love if all he felt was pain when he was around you?

he couldn’t help but wonder the whole night with you. he was starting to notice just how painful it was being around you. he loved you so much, that it hurt. loving someone who doesn’t love you was the harshest pain he had ever experienced. especially with the small, sweet gestures you displayed while knowing it was forced because he knew you knew just how much he loved you.

he could feel just how much you forced yourself to keep this relationship together for him. it was painful.

why was he so selfish? why did he want to keep holding on? why was he waiting for real love from you?

hyuck stares into your eyes with sorrow, realizing that, soon enough, he’s going to have to let you go one day.

was the pain worth it anymore?

“i love you.”

the words leave hyuck’s lips before he can think. he really wished he would’ve thought this one out.

the shock on your face says it all, really. from that moment, he knew he shouldn’t have said it. he should’ve kept it deep down inside him. he knew from that moment forward, it would chase you away.

“oh hyuck…” your voice was sad, reaching out for him. but he rejects your touch, shaking his head in a dramatic way. his love wasn’t returned.

“no, no. sorry. forget it.” hyuck looks away from you. you could see his nose turn slightly red as he sniffles. you wanted to say it back. you wanted to reassure him that it’s okay, that you know where your feelings stood with him. but you couldn’t. you couldn’t lie to him.

“i..” you pause, swallowing down tears, “i’m so sorry, donghyuck.” your eyebrows furrow in slight frustration, wondering why you couldn’t love him the way he deserves. you’ve known each other for so long, shouldn’t you love him?

hyuck shakes his head again, rolling his eyes to himself, “don’t. i really don’t want to hear it. it’s not your fault, don’t make it your fault.” hyuck’s words cut through you. maybe he sounded a bit harsh, but he couldn’t stop the pain that cut him deep down. he was hurt. you hurt him. it wasn’t your fault, but he couldn’t deny it hurt.

you look away from him, nodding your head. you say nothing else for the rest of the night except when you left his place. the two of you were watching a movie, so having to sit through the rest of it was the most awkward thing you’ve ever had to experience. for hyuck, it was the most painful thing he’d had to experience. the whole time he wanted to cry, but suppressed it the best he could.

when he shut the door when you left though, it all came pouring down. an absolute mess. hyuck felt like an absolute mess that night. it wasn’t your fault that he felt this way. maybe it was his for letting himself fall so easily.

nothing will be the same. not for him.

hyuck sighs, twirling a pencil around his fingers. he’s trying his best to focus on his studies, but all he could think about was you. per-usual.

the first time hyuck said he loved you, was the last time he had said it.

he waited and waited for you to finally say it back for months on end. but as month eight of being together approaches, he’s starting to lose hope. maybe you just won’t ever love him.

maybe there’s no use trying anymore.

“i can’t do it, hyuck.” you stare at him with sad eyes.

this was the answer he needed. it was your ten month anniversary, months passing since he had the flashback of the first time he said he loved you. he tried to move on mentally, but he couldn’t. so, here he was asking if you loved him. asking if you felt the same way he did. and your answer was all he needed to realize just how much of his time was wasted.

“then we can’t be together.”

hyuck stares at you with the most intense eyes you’ve ever seen. you could see the tears threatening to spill. it hurt you to see him like this, but you know it hurt him more than it hurt you. unrequited love was a bitch.

hyuck can feel his heart crack in two the longer he sits at the dinner table, homemade food displayed for the two of you on your anniversary. he wants to leave, but he’s at his own damn apartment. of course he had to set everything up at his own apartment. hyuck sighs, a shakey sound escaping. he can’t stand being around you anymore. he doesn’t want to even breathe the same air as you anymore.

“can you go?” hyuck spits out, the words harsh and painful. you wanted to talk to him, stick by his side. you couldn’t lose him, not when you’re so close.

“hyuck-” you try to talk to him, try to explain that you maybe you were close, but you were too late. way too late.

“i really can’t stand to hear it right now, y/n. i just know it’s going to hurt my feelings even more, and i can’t stand this anymore. i’ve waited long enough to be loved, to feel loved. i can’t keep doing this.”

his words struck like lightning. he addressed the huge elephant in the room like it was nothing, and you were surprised. you could feel a cold sweat burning down your spine, licking your lips as you slowly raise out of your seat. you take a look at hyuck and see him tightly clutching the sides of the table, as if to restrain himself. it was so painful to see.

you could feel your heart breaking as you realized you were just starting to love him.

you could never tell him that, it would only make things worse. he deserves better. someone he doesn’t have to wait on for so long, someone who can give him everything he needs. no matter how badly he may want you, he can never get what he needs out of you. you could tell it was exhausting him, the bags under his eyes giving it away.

“i.. i’m sorry.” you say softly.

hyuck scoffs, “yeah, me too.”

you can feel the anger, the tension. and hyuck was angry. he was so, so mad. why couldn’t anyone love him? why was he never enough for anybody? was he too much? did he give too much?

who gave him such a big heart? who let him have his heart on his sleeve the way it was?

hyuck doesn’t bother leaving the table to walk you out the door, only sitting at his seat in silence. he stares blankly, tears falling helplessly once he hears his own front door shut. lately, breaking down seemed to be his thing.

you’re sorry.

you’re fucking sorry.

hyuck scoffs again. what a shit apology. what a shit way of ending things.

hyuck gave you everything. he gave you his heart, presents, everything you need, flowers, chocolates, a shoulder to lean on when you cried, a friendship and relationship that wasn’t comparable to others. maybe his ego was too high. but he knows he loved you with everything he could. he loved you the best way he knew how, and he wondered every second of his time with you on why that wasn’t enough.

why was his love never enough?

hyuck falls asleep with tears in his eyes that night, his chest so heavy it weighs him down. breaking apart from you was like breaking apart a half of him. you were the only thing keeping him going day by day. and as the days go by without you, it only gets worse.

nothing will ever be the same for him.

he won’t love the way he loved you. he knows this.

hyuck sighs.

he got rid of everything in his apartment that reminded him of you. he couldn’t even stand the thought of you anymore. he was going through the stages of grief, and right now he was angry. everything about you seemed to piss him off.

he wished things ended better, but he knew there wasn’t really a good way to end an unrequited love. especially when hyuck was so bitter about the whole situation.

it’s been weeks without you, and the hole never seems to go away. the aching never seems to dull. the pain never seems to stop. all he can think of was the good memories. the good memories that were tainted by hyuck’s bitterness.

how could things end the way they did?

hyuck sips his coffee, the silence of his apartment filling the room. he was without you. the silence devouring him and making him into a new person. a bitter, cold person.

he loved you so, so much.

he just hopes you know how dear you were to him after all that time. even if he didn’t want to admit it, you would always be special to him. you would always have a place in his heart.

but, at the end of the day, hyuck was good for you.

and you were bad for him.

a/n: thank you for reading! this series means a lot to me. they’re all based on some previous experiences. i hope everyone enjoys this series as much as i did.

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suhfics · 2 years

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Hide and Seek

Pairing: Jeno x reader

Word count: 8.6k

Contains: dumb shit that the characters did, a bit of humor, endless college parties, cigarettes, alcohol, brief mention of addiction, angst, fluff(?), Jaehyun Kun Hendery Jisung and Chenle cameo, mostly 00-line with Mark, i think that's all.

a/n: I finally finished this omygod i swear it took me so many months because if not for the writer's block, the characters just add and add and add scenes! This is longer than I originally planned and I hope I did it justice. and I rlly hope the ending is okay because I suck at writing endings. In no way am I promoting smoking, but if you do smoke pls do it moderately! There will be inaccuracies so pls do forgive me for that. Anw hope u enjoy this one as much as I enjoyed writing it!

It took you exactly 4 months, 23 days, 19 hours, and 58 seconds to realize that you have moved on from your recent ex. You're precisely sure because you had a tracker. And a journal.. and a jar full of paper cranes that you have folded everyday whilst thinking about how you miss the guy.

But today is the third day you ditched folding cranes, and there are also three pages in your heartbreak journal that are still empty.

Your stopwatch has finally stopped and you are very determined to celebrate it with your best friends. And so you called up Renjun, can't wait to declare that you are finally done crying for a boy you used to know.

"We're actually at Seb's! You should come!" He was practically screaming into the phone, trying to drown out the loud background noise from the club and Haechan's noisy ass bickering with someone. It's probably Jaemin. Not a surprise.

"Is that Mark I hear?" You asked right after you heard a series of laughter, too familiar and too funny not to notice.

"Yeah!! We met them here!! Enough talking and come over here already!!" Renjun /was/ shouting. Was it that loud there?

That question was answered by Haechan screaming "MARK LEEEEE!"

Yep. Definitely loud over there.

"Be right there!" You answered enthusiastically before hanging up.

You wore the sexiest party dress you have because you felt like going wild tonight. Pairing it with a comfy yet cute heels because you know you'd be hitting the dance floor. Completing the look with a clean makeup 'cause you didn't want mascara and foundation dripping down your face later.

The night was still young when you arrived at Seb's. People were already dancing, others just chilling in their own booths. And your people were easy to spot because they had a blue haired Mark.

"Y/N! Finally!! God what took you so long?!" Haechan's drunken noisy ass clinged onto you for dear life. Half dragging you towards their booth while you try to carry a fourth of his weight.

Renjun gives you a shot of vodka, "Presenting, the newly reformed woman of the year! Y/N! A round of applause everyone!" He was even raising his own shot glass before drinking it, bottoms up. And every single one of them followed.

Renjun and Haechan were your best friends since high school. You took a different course in college, hence their new friends. Mark, Jaemin, and Jeno. They all took the same course and just clicked. You hangout with them but not as often as they do with each other. But it wasn't a problem. You have your own circle as well where Renjun and Haechan can join too from time to time.

You sat next to Mark then started teasing him with the blue hair. "Last time I saw you, you were blonde!"

"Well you don't see me often! You should have seen it in green!"

The drinks were overflowing, your company taking shots after shots of whatever was offered on the table. Renjun's at another booth, mingling with... you don't know who. You, Haechan, Mark, and Jaemin were on the dancefloor dancing the night away. And Jeno offered to stay in your booth— Jeno! Right! You should probably accompany the guy. Seize the opportunity to get closer with him because he's very much quiet. The guy basically just smiles at everything anyone says.

You left the dancefloor to go to your booth where Jeno is, but saw only Renjun and another person making out on the couch. Jeno was nowhere in sight.

You decided not to bother the two and tried to find Jeno in the crowd.

Hmm... black hair, undercut, tall, and what was he wearing again? Ah! Leather jacket and a white shirt underneath.

Yet Jeno was nowhere to be seen inside. So you decided to expand the search. Actually, you have a choice to just stay put in your booth. Jeno's a big boy, he knows how to find his way back. But maybe it's the alcohol in your system that pushed you to find the lost pup.

Luckily for you, the lost pup was just outside the backdoor, in an alley. A cigarette in between two fingers.

"There you are!" You pushed with your body to fully open the heavy backdoor. "I've been looking for you!"

And like a criminal caught in the act, he threw away the cigarette. Stepping on it to fully extinguish the stick. "You were?"

"Why'd you stop? Afraid I'll snitch you? Hmm?" You teased. Your friends didn't know Jeno smoked. It's just that one time, after a party, you caught him taking a hit. And he begged you not to tell the nosy bunch. That was the last time you had a five-sentence conversation with him.

"You can smoke though. I don't really mind." You gestured for him to continue.

"Is this a test?" He joked. His face morphed into showing that famous eye smile of his. It was pure contrast to his black leather jacket and ripped jeans. His fit screamed violence while his face whispered kindness. It was utter confusion on your part.

"Oh yes, definitely. Take that hit and I'll tell Haechan about it." He laughed at your retort. "You'll never hear the end of it, Mr. Lee." You snickered.

"What a snitch." He narrowed his eyes on you yet still keeping that smile on his face. Then proceeding to put another cigarette in between his lips. "You don't mind, do you?" He asks.

"No, I don't," you said while kicking a few small rocks around your feet. "I do mind getting second hand lung disease though," You teased and he acted offended at that. Even putting his hand on his chest.

"I'm feeling very guilty right now," he said. Slack-jawed.

You elbowed his side, "I'm kidding! Go on. I don't mind at all." The two of you shared a laugh before he continued to light the one in his mouth.

It was the first time again after a few months that Jeno Lee laughed with you. The first being the one when you caught him smoking in Haechan's garden.

"Jeno Lee," you called. He immediately turned to you, putting the cigarette in between his fingers.

Actually, you didn't have anything to say. You just tested out how his name rolled out of your mouth. And honestly? You liked it.

Jeno Lee... maybe it's the surname.

What if it's Haechan who is also a Lee? Heachan Lee... Mark Lee?

Nope. It's not in the surname. It's the whole 'Jeno Lee'.

Jeno Lee.

"Y/N?" Jeno nudges you. And you realized that you've just recited his whole ass name three times in your head. Now you have to say something because you've just called out Jeno Lee's name— aand there it is again.

"Oh! Nothing. I was just thinking about what smoking feels like..." You made it up. Of course, why would you say you spaced out because you liked his name?

He hummed. And then brought the cigarette in between his fingers near you. "Wanna try?"

He had that look on his face that was very much enticing to try out whatever it is he asks you to do.

But the thing is... you actually want to try it out.

Ohh, Haechan's going to scold you for this.

You nodded and hesitantly put the death stick in between your lips. And not even a complete inhale, you coughed and coughed and you felt like it would never end. Jeno Lee—that devil in disguise—was just laughing at you coughing out batches of translucent smoke.

"I'm never gonna put that hideous thing in my mouth again," you said in finality while you were coughing and he was laughing.

And that was the start of you hanging out with Jeno Lee every free time. Odd that despite the differences of your courses, you almost had the same schedule of vacancies as him. Sometimes, Mark and Jaemin join you both but more often than not, it was only you and Jeno. And his small pack of unlit cig.

It was your little secret with Jeno. Just like how you keep Haechan's big fat crush on this guy from lit class 101, and Renjun making out with the TA from his summer class. Obviously these secrets outdo Jeno's but... still, secrets are secrets. And you like keeping them.

Your hangouts are mostly just Jeno smoking while you either do your plates or read. You don't actually mind the second hand smoke, you just feel like you should be there whenever he takes out the cig. When Jaemin is around and Jeno can't smoke, he just helps you study.

Today, he's doing both.

A set of flashcards in hand and an unlit stick in between his fingers, Jeno decided to help you study because he noticed the dark circles under your eyes.

"Are they that noticeable?" You panicked. You've already covered them with concealer and a full coverage foundation but he still saw them! Maybe you should change makeup brands...

"Not really, I just have keen eyes."

You rolled your eyes at him. "Yeah, sure. You can't even read that signage anymore. Just go get glasses, Mr. Lee." You pointed to the 'do not enter' signage that was just a few meters away from you.

"Lucky you I'm wearing contacts today." It made you look into his eyes to see the brown colored contacts he usually wears when he's the designated driver...

and there were.. shivers?

You just made a face and started clearing up the table you both were occupying. The exam you were studying for will start in a few, and Jeno staring at you with eyes smiling was either motivation or distraction. You just... weren't sure. Maybe next time you should be asking Renjun to quiz you.

"Oh we're done?" Jeno asked. It was the simplest question, yet it took you five good seconds to answer.

"Yep." You were sure you had a panic stricken face. It was the first time you felt flushed in front of this guy. THIS guy!

You saw how his face turned from happy to confused. And he just looked like a lost puppy again.

"Professor Randall doesn't accept late people during exams. I wouldn't want to waste my hard worked eye bags right?" You tried to crack a joke to hide the nervousness in you.

Nervous? Because of THIS guy? Nah, it's just the exams. Yeah it is. Yeah... it is.

"I'm taking these. Stop ruining your lungs!" you grabbed the easiest thing to get just to cover up the fact that your face was actually heating up and turning red, it was his box of cigarettes.

And then you left Jeno with his cigarettes in hand, exactly 60 minutes and 21 seconds before your supposed exam.

Running late you say?

---

There was no point in shushing Haechan. He was unapologetically noisy. Sometimes you'd think it's his sole purpose in life.

"I call dibs on shotgun!" He exclaimed and then proceeded to chant "Shotgun. Shotgun. Shotgun. Shotgun."

"Designated driver gets to decide who's shotgun. Right, Jeno? I'll pay for your food tonight, my friend." Renjun puts an arm around Jeno's shoulders.

Next thing you knew, you were sandwiched between Renjun and Haechan who were endlessly bickering. Jaemin was right next to the car door, remaining unbothered. And the shotgun seat? Taken by a black haired Mark.

Just how is his hair still growing?

Anyway, Mark was the one who knew the location, earning him the spot.

"But I have waze!" Haechan reasoned, but you all knew nothing's changing Jeno Lee's mind.

In all honesty, you were kind of... bummed? You liked shotgun. Jeno knew that. As he's not a heavy drinker, he always presents himself as the designated driver. And you yourself do not like getting wasted so much, you'd blackout. So whenever you guys went home after clubbing, you were always at the right hand. Well, it's not like he's got a choice when everyone except you was drunk dead.

But you deemed it not big of a deal.

After all, you've been trying to limit your interactions with Jeno.

You wonder if he notices it though?

As expected, Haechan was the life of the party. He's basically friends with everyone. Even the super seniors Johnny and Yuta are friends with him. Those three clashing would make one hell of a night.

Tonight's party was at Taeyong Lee's house. Only Mark knows the location because he's been there one too many times. Taeyong helps him out with things you couldn't understand... anyway! Johnny is here too. You're already sure tonight's gonna be a blast.

And you're not shotgun (though that depends).

You can get wild!

----

At 2 AM, your vision was spinning.

Drunkenness and sleep was getting you. And it was your interaction with Jaemin that got Jeno standing from his seat.

You and Jaemin were talking... with indistinct noises. In Jeno's ears, it was like the Sims talking. It got weirder when Hendery from another college joined the conversation. Suddenly, the three of you were like speaking your own foreign language!

"Oh! It's Jenolee!" You exclaimed, pointing at his face when he went to where you were.

"Jenononono we don't talk about Jenoooo!" Jaemin was singin in the tune of that one Disney song.

"Riiight, I think we should go," Jeno calmly said to the both of you and Jaemin who are basically under his supervision. But the latter turns around and clings on a junior he knows.

"Jisungieee, my Jisungieee~"

and that's one less responsibility for Jeno, he thinks. Jisung is Jaemin's younger cousin and they are quite close. And whenever Jaemin clings to him drunk, that's gonna last for the rest of the night.

"Okay... you, woman. We gotta go." He talked to you like you were still on the right mind. Well sike, you're not!

Because if you were, you wouldn't be clinging onto Jeno like a hungry koala.

And in Jeno's mind, he was thanking the heavens he didn't skip any gym day. He carried you like a rice sack, but you weren't actually heavy. It's just that you were trying to—

"We gotta go. She's out," He told Renjun when he met him out on the lawn. Mark and Haechan were there as well, they were playing some game with Johnny and the others. Jeno just hit three birds with one, much to his relief.

"Go bring her home, we can manage!" Haechan was the one to answer, he seemed like he was still enjoying himself.

Jeno looks at Renjun and Mark who were also still laughing from whatever they were doing, they just nodded at him before redirecting their attention to their game.

So Jeno leaves 14 minutes past two. With a sober mind, and a completely drunk girl.

---

You woke up with your body blanketed by a musky black leather jacket, in a parked car, seatbelt still on. The window on your side was open.

And the guy outside the car, seated on the side of the hood, was Jeno. A cigarette between his lips as usual, and the cold air brushing his hair away from his eyes.

At some point, you just wanted to stay there and stare as he blew out white smoke. But you shouldn't, you knew you shouldn't.

Yet you still did.

Just 45 seconds. 45 seconds will do.

In the 43rd second, Jeno tilts his head and looks at you. Dammit.

Panic flowed through your veins, pushing blood up to your face. So you yawn in an exaggerated way, covering your face in the process, and Jeno laughs.

"You're awake, your grace." He throws away the cig and crushes it with his vans.

You chuckled at his greeting and leaned on the window sill, your chin over your arms. "Indeed, my lord. Although I feel like I am still dreaming. Are you sure you aren't an angel?" You imitated an English accent to play the part.

You've been obsessed with this certain series on Netflix nowadays and have been doing short skits with your other friends using the accent. You are actually surprised to hear Jeno doing it. They didn't find your English accent amusing, Haechan said.

Maybe that was only Haechan's opinion.

Jeno chuckles and shakes his head and you laugh. He just can't take a compliment.

"Where are the others?" You asked. The backseat was empty and you were seated at the shotgun. The last thing you remember was you taking a swig of a drink concocted by Mark. It was... it should explain how you ended up here.

You think you should really stop taking drinks made by Mark... like, seriously.

Because every time you do, the world around you spins like a ferris wheel.

"They said they could handle themselves, and that I should take you home," he says.

"but we're not home..."

"Last time we brought you home wasted, you got grounded for a week... your grace," he snickered. "And besides, you told me you didn't want to go home yet."

"I did?" And he nodded. "Okay... but did I... say anything more...?"

"You did." He answered.

You waited for him to continue talking but he just put the stick in between his lips, leaving it unlit.

"...and?" You raised a brow. You were expecting he'd tell you what you apparently said before you went out.

Jeno just shrugged.

"Huh?" You tapped the car door from the outside. "Hey. Mister. Why aren't you talking?"

And still, he just shrugged. So you threw his leather jacket at him but he caught it while laughing.

"I'm kidding! You immediately fell asleep." The unlit cig was just stuck in between his teeth.

Relief washed over you. You were worried you might've said something about trying to avoid him just because...

"Why aren't you lighting that?" You gestured to the cig between his teeth.

"I just... don't want to."

The silence between you highlighted the birds chirping and the soft blowing wind. The skies were slowly turning bright with the first few moments of sunrise.

"Jeno Lee..." You let his name roll out from your tongue like the first time. And he looked at you just like then.

"Y/N," he imitated the way you spoke.

The two of you just looked at each other with the intent of testing who will laugh first.

Or maybe that's what he thought.

You were just staring at him as the emerging sun illuminates the side of his face. You would've taken a photo if your phone wasn't dead.

As cliché as it was, you could look at his face forever.

So you chose to look away.

"Let's go home, my mother's gonna kill me."

"Yeah.." Jeno squints. Because of the sunlight or not? You aren't sure. "Let's get you home."

You've figured that the best course of action in dealing with this fiasco inside your head (or maybe your heart) is to avoid Jeno Lee at all cost. Of course, your almost identical vacancy schedule with him wasn't of any help, but who cares if you just lie your way out of it?

So for the remaining days before summer break, you've given a ton of excuses just to not see Jeno. The worst part? You weren't sure why you were doing this.

It's just that... something shifted that day. Beneath the blossom tree, right in Jeno's eyes.

And then the sunrise.

And the leather jacket.

And the drive home.

I should know better than this, you thought. I've been through this.

You've liked people in the past, loved even.

The big jar of paper cranes in your room was proof of this, and it's been 2 months since you stopped. Certain you were done with the boy.

You are sure you are completely over the guy, but how did you know you loved him then?

How did you—

"Y/N." A voice cuts through your thoughts.

Familiar.

"Jaehyun," Ah. "I didn't see you there..."

It's been exactly 6 months 13 days and... you lost track of the time from when you last saw him.

You were just walking out the campus, making your way to a café nearby to study (and to avoid places you and Jeno always went to). And here you were, face to face once again with somebody you used to know so well.

Jung Jaehyun.

Ironic how you were just thinking about how you're moved on, and then... life.

"How have you been?" He initiates the conversation.

"Good."

...

Awkward.

"Uh.. I was.. about to get coffee, wanna come?" You asked out of politeness.

Jung Jaehyun looked at you like he was shocked you even offered. He'd probably decline anyway.

"I mean, if you don't want to—"

"I guess coffee won't hurt." Oh.

And then the next thing was you seated in front of your ex, awkwardly sipping coffee. Like it happened for the first time.

"You look good," you started. It was sincere, he actually looked fine. He had his hair parted in a different way, and his built has improved in comparison to before.

He looked well. You hoped you were the same in his eyes, afterall you believe yourself well and happy now.

"You too, y/n," he answered.

In your mind was a series of memories of you and Jaehyun, spending two springs in each other's company. How you felt happy and content.

And how the both of you slowly broke each other into millions of tiny pieces.

You were the one who broke up with him. It happened when you had a lot of love to give while he had a space too little to fill. Incompatible, you were.

So you decided to cut the thread. It was for the best. Because you knew that if you stayed any longer, it would take everything for you to heal.

"Y/N..." he called and you looked him in the eye. "This might be a little too late but.." He licked his lips. A mannerism whenever he's nervous. "You know I loved you right?"

It was like a punch in the gut, sucking out all the air in your lungs. Even your voice was gone and your tongue dry.

"I just thought I didn't tell you enough." He'd look at anything except your eyes. "I loved you."

"Jaehyun..."

"And I'm sorry. I could've done so much more, I—"

"Jaehyun, stop." You've finally found your voice and he finally looked you in the eye. All you saw was pain and somehow, it felt like torture.

But you're done loving this man. Saying that in your head suddenly puts you at ease.

"You know how I felt about you, Jae.." You lightly held his hand that was on top of the table and gave him a small yet genuine smile. "It hurt. But all is done, and I'm okay now."

His eyes showed different hues of brown as the ray of setting sun hit them. There's no denying the beauty in them, but all you had in mind were those brown contact lenses and a mole near the eye.

A smile formed on your lips at that thought but you tried to suppress it.

"In fact, I'm very... content." You gave his hand a light squeeze. "We're good, Jae."

Soon, the black leather jacket and the cigarette between one's lips flooded your mind. This time, the smile was unconcealable.

"..We're good."

One last squeeze

and then you let go of Jung Jaehyun's hand.

---

Certainty hit you like a truck.

You liked Jeno Lee. You just realized that you've been liking him for quite a while yet this made you more determined to avoid the guy.

In the short time of two months where you hung out with Jeno, you've formed a bond that you didn't want to break nor to risk breaking. He is your friends' friend who also became your close friend in the long run. If you took the risk and tried it out, will you be able to handle the consequences?

The answer was so simple yet so complicated. So, your personal mission to avoid Jeno Lee continued.

But apparently, you've miscalculated things because in front of your door was Renjun and Haechan, both looking like parents who are ready for severe scolding.

"You little liar..."

"Sneaky little bitch..."

They both had their eyes narrowed at you despite the fact that you didn't know what you did. The last time you saw these two was when they hung out with you the day after the last party. The three of you nursing hangovers, lounging around your room.

"Huh?" You were confused as to what these two were up to. Haechan began to tap his foot, crossed arms. And Renjun began shaking his head like he was so disappointed.

"You know I'd rather you tell me what I did than this cryptic head-shaking and foot-tapping."

"You know what you di—"

"So you're back with that guy now?" Haechan cuts Renjun's speech. The latter hits him hard on the chest.

"Ouch!"

"What are you talking about?" Who's back with who?

"A little birdy told us you were spotted with Jung Jaehyun in a café near campus." Renjun walked into your house while talking, and then Haechan followed in so you got to close the door.

This information made you raise a brow.

"And holding hands?? What's the point of me throwing out your love letters back then?" Haechan added, casually lounging on your parents' couch.

They continued rambling about how you used to cry for Jaehyun and that they didn't want that to happen again. They were loud, too loud. And you had to defend yourself, because after all, it wasn't the truth.

"Okay stop." You spoke with a firm voice and that made them look at you.

"First of all, I'm not back with the guy." A pause. "We're done and we're good. I merely offered him coffee and he accepted." You defended.

But the two rascals were just looking at you sketchily. So you continued. Telling in full detail what really happened, that he told you he loved you. Why you held his hand. What happened after. And that it was your full and final closure.

"So... you aren't back with him?" Haechan asked once again and it made you groan out of frustration.

"Ugh no! I'm not that much of a fool!"

"Oh poor little birdy..." You heard Renjun whisper.

"Who's that little birdy of yours anyway?" You asked in an irritated tone.

"Lee Jeno." Haechan—who apparently found his way to the kitchen, eating your leftover chips—casually said.

The name took five full seconds to register in your brain. Lee Jeno.

Jeno Lee.

Oh gods.

Remember when you used to avoid all the places you went to with Jeno? Well now you're doing the exact opposite of that. You even searched through all of the smoking areas around campus, hoping you'll spot him right there having his daily dose of nicotine.

But Jeno Lee was nowhere to be found.

You've asked Jaemin and Mark... Haechan and Renjun.. even that guy in his physics class that he'd mentioned to you once. All their answers varied everyday so you didn't know where to start.

Jaemin says he's probably in the gym. So you went there, but apparently he was done with his session. Mark didn't have any idea on his whereabouts. Haech and Renjun both just asked you why and teased you non-stop (it didn't help at all!).

Now it's been forty-seven days since you last saw even a smoke out of Jeno Lee's lips. And slowly, you've been filling up a small jar with paper stars. It eventually became a calming activity for you.

You still haven't stopped looking for Jeno. Everyday was a different place of where he could be. You figured he'll eventually pop up like he used to.

Today you returned to the picnic table under the shade of the blossom tree.

While walking towards it, you noticed that it was occupied. A black piece of clothing on the table, and a man in white shirt and tattered jeans... and blonde hair?

Is this finally him?

"Jeno?" You called and he easily confirmed by turning his head to face you.

You never thought you'd go slack jawed for a man but this... this was an exemption.

He had his hair up and styled. His physique was exceptional as before. A cig slowly burning between his lips. But his face, it wasn't the same as the ones that greeted you every vacant time. It was stoic. A hundred thousand times different from his famous smiling eyes.

"Hey." He spoke.

"Hey.."

You walked closer, scared that taking a step nearer would chase him away. You silently prayed to the gods for him to stay.

But guess your prayers didn't reach the heavens.

Throwing the cig away, he gathered the other things he had on the table and wore his leather jacket, preparing to leave.

You weren't letting this chance go.

"Jeno, stop." But he didn't. "Please." This time you pleaded, trying to convince yourself you weren't gonna cry.

"You're avoiding me." You added.

He scoffed before turning to you. "Well what can I say? I learned from the best." His words reeked sarcasm but you still saw through the pain in his eyes. You knew damn well he was talking about you.

"I'm sorry. Let's talk. Please?" Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

"I don't want any misunderstanding, y/n. Please." He sounded defeated. "Just... be happy." Then he turns away.

"It's not wha—" You tried to explain but the distance between you and him took your voice away.

It's not what you think, Jeno..

Day 71 from when you first realized your feelings for Jeno. Exactly twenty-four days since he turned his back on you underneath the blossom tree.

You have filled two small jars with small paper stars to the brim and have started filling up the third.

Everything's back to normal. And by normal, it meant the time before you found Jeno behind the club hiding his vice.

For consolation, Jeno never avoided you again. He was always there, present during night outs, still the designated driver, still the one who remains sober. You thought that after your last encounter, he'd never want to see you again but here he is. Always in your presence without acknowledging you.

You felt that it was better if he had avoided you completely rather than seeing him everyday, laughing at Haechan's jokes but never meeting your eyes.

But then again, you like Jeno Lee. Seeing him physically is a hundred times better than just thinking about him 24/7 (while in fact you do that as well). Also, why did he have to be so hot in his blonde hair?! Your honor, this is torture.

He'd talk to you... at times. Mostly about passing food. Or a drink... It was very civil. Like you and him did not have a shared short lifetime of nicotine and quizzes.

Day 79, you passed by him in the hallway. You waved hi, he gave you a smile, then walked away.

Day 86. Vacant time before a major exam, you were reviewing on the picnic table under the blossom tree. You weren't gonna lie, you were expecting him to be there to help you. But what is to expect if there were no unwritten promises?

By the 91st day, your third jar has been filled halfway.

Haechan had already scolded you for using too much paper. Renjun, on the other hand, knows what the meaning of this habit of yours is.

"That's what you call self soothing, Donghyuck. You don't know that because you always had your mommy to soothe you."

"Hey you can't use mama's boy card on me when in fact my mom likes you more than me!"

"Damn right she does! I'm like the most perfectest son she could have!"

Haechan scoffs and mumbles "most" and "perfectest" under his breath. You laughed at the use of words as well.

The two rascals are in your bedroom again, saying they are your pretty little angels who will apparently comfort you after you barely passed that one major exam.

Guess their bantering became your comfort afterall.

"Don't you two have anything better to do?" You asked in the middle of your star folding.

Renjun crossed his arms. "Actually, we're supposed to be at a party right now. But you should ask Haechan why..." he had his eyes squinted at the latter. And Haechan was avoiding eye contact, playing with the stars you have already folded.

You squint your eyes as well. "What is it, Haech?"

"Yeah, Donghyuck, tell her why we won't go to Kun ge's house party..." Renjun added, emphasizing Haechan's real name like it had something to do with it.

"Kun? Like... that cute senior? You were invited and you're not coming??"

"I kissed his brother okay? I have to save face!" Your jaw dropped at his confession.

"The guy from lit?" You asked.

"The guy from lit!" Renjun exclaimed.

You dramatically threw your half folded origami and stood up with conviction. Going straight to your closet, you grabbed a party dress.

"What are you doing?" Haechan's voice was filled with fear and Renjun was laughing so loud, even holding his stomach.

There are so many things you live for. Embarrassing any of your two friends was one of them.

"We're going to the party!"

Pre-game at Renjun's before driving to the party, surely there's only one of you who isn't very willing to come. But Haechan had no choice, he'd be missing out on a night of his life if he didn't. When you arrived, the party was at its peak. People were drunk, bodies clung to one another... you even saw Kun taking out what looks like another bottle of Cuervo. It would've been fun to get sloshed but you presented to be the designated driver of the night since you are the plus one.

"I'm gonna get drinks!" Renjun half yelled over the loud music before leaving your side.

"And I'm gonna puke!" Haechan pulled away from you but you didn't let him go. You know he's just gonna escape from you.

"Not on my watch!" You laughed and searched through the area where Kun's brother could be. And just at the right moment, you spotted him near the fireplace. They were playing what seemed like a game of spin the bottle because they were in a messy circle.

"There he is." You mumbled proudly, much to Haechan's chagrin.

You pulled Haechan towards the group. Some of the players were already leaving (possibly to party more outside), so you took their seats. Not realizing that there was a still-blond-Jeno Lee right in front of the seat you've just taken. And when your gazes aligned, his was already leaving yours.

So you did the same and just pulled Haechan down to sit beside you.

Apparently they were playing truth or dare. Just a moment ago, Jisung (who you just noticed) actually dared to drink two small shots of what seemed to be vinegar.

As the night progressed, the wilder each dare became. Two players were already dared to do body shots, others had to do lap dances. Jeno had to be on the receiving end (which really pissed you off, by the way). Haechan, on your side, was shaking his foot.

"Next dare!" Chenle started picking out a piece of paper from a fish bowl. "Liplocking for five seconds!" And the crowd roared. Because knowing these people, five seconds will probably turn to ten. Fifteen even.

"I'm gonna pass out." Haechan whispers in your ear when the tip of the bottle pointed to him. On the other end of the bottle was Kun's brother. The lit 101 guy. You didn't know the name.

"You've been blessed by the gods!" A cheer from you got the other people cheering as well. Ten seconds of simple kissing would be hot, but ten seconds of Haechan french kissing his big fat crush would be hella spicy!

"You aren't safe, I'm telling you!" Lit 101 guy was already crawling towards Haechan since he was in fact sitting on the floor like the rest of you. Undoubtedly he ain't sober anymore, a good explanation as to why he's unashamed in doing the dare.

Haechan had a tight grip on your arm while the other guy's face was already close to him. It was a frontrow seat of them doing edges and you weren't gonna lie, you're loving it.

Not until you caught a glimpse of Jeno's eyes on your lips. And then on your eyes. And then back at your lips again.

Suddenly the two people in front of you were already locking lips, yet your mind was wondering how that felt... with Jeno in mind.

Heachan loosened his grip on your arm and it started caressing the cheeks of the other. They stopped kissing and for a hot second they whispered into each other's ears. The next thing you know, the seat beside you is vacated and then replaced by another player. People around you cheered, yet your mind was too occupied by the blonde guy in front.

Your mission here is done. You tried to convince yourself. You should go.

And go, you did. You excused yourself from the game, your seat immediately taken by another. Your friend is about to have the night of his life, meanwhile, the other is nowhere to be found. You had drunk a few shots from the game and you're in between tipsy and downright drunk, your friends are gonna need to find another ride home. You've fully accepted that you are indeed lightweight. But that's more fun right?

No.

Because why did you have to be so weak when tipsy? If it wasn't the case, a guy wouldn't be holding your wrist right now.

"Where are you going?" Worry evident in his voice. But you wouldn't figure that out.

"Away from your presence, my lord." You let out small drunken giggles. It was the first time again that you've used this way of speaking.

"You're drunk."

"And you're not?"

"Let's get you home."

"It isn't even past two!"

"Come on..."

You broke away from his grip and proceeded walking somewhere away from Jeno. But somehow he surpassed you and blocked your way. You tried to get away through the opposite but he somehow blocked it too. Now you're cornered on the wall and your mind just realized that you're in a quiet hallway upstairs. Alone together.

"Jeno, stop."

"Stop what?"

"You can't do this. Stop doing this."

"What can't I do?" He went closer. "Tell me, y/n.." and closer. "What am I not permitted to do?"

His eyes were on yours. Burning intensely. Piercing through your skin; like gravity pulling you in. The alcohol in your system seemed to be already flushed out by the browns and blacks of his eyes and by the pinks and reds of his lips. This is torture, your honor.

You looked away. And then threw a punch on his chest. Then another. And another, and another, and another. And he was just letting you do so.

"You cannot avoid me like that and then return like nothing happened at all!" a punch.

"You cannot leave me like that! Like I meant nothing— like we meant nothing!" Another.

"You just had to listen! But you chose not to, Jeno Lee! You chose to walk away—" a kiss.

Jeno Lee's lips were suddenly on yours. Soft. Gentle. It was...new. A movement was all it took for you to know it was true.

It was happening. Jeno fucking Lee is kissing you as if he didn't tell you to be happy with another guy. You responded back, lips moving against another. His arm snaked around your waist and pulled you closer to him. Your body molded into his, arched towards his stomach. Your hands found their way to his hair and raked through it, feeling how soft it was even though you figured it went through a cruel bleaching process. And in between your kisses, you heard him groan.

You heard and felt his groan and it sent shivers down your spine. If he wasn't holding your waist, you probably were on your knees. In just a moment of weakness, his tongue found its way in.

You felt like floating. You've had a lot of good hookups, but no one ever kissed you the way this boy did. You never want to stop. You just want to have his lips on yours forever.

But you had to break away to breathe.

The both of you panted to catch your breaths. His forehead was on yours and his gaze still on your lips.

You couldn't explain but he looked...confused and angry and desperate all at the same time.

"Fuck..." He whispered, still catching his breath.

"Why..." you started, trying to catch your own breath. "...why'd you do that?"

He turned his head away from you, his arms still caging you in. Until he let them down, whispering more curses under his breath.

"Jeno—"

He walked away too fast but you were suddenly in the right mind to catch up. He headed towards the garden while you were just behind him, people were bumping into you so you had to double time when the amount of drunk humans subsided.

"Lee Jeno, stop walking away from me!"

Yet he didn't stop, even getting in his car. But you were fast enough to enter the passenger's seat.

"You're not getting away this time." You said while buckling the seatbelt. He was just looking at you, confusion and anger(?) in his eyes.

"You brought your own car." He pointed out.

"I'm too drunk to drive. Now why did you kiss me?"

"I'm too drunk to answer your question." He revved the engine.

"And yet you're starting your car!"

"I can drive."

"Then you can answer my question too."

Yet you received no more answers.

Jeno just buckled his own seat belt then started driving. Around the block, and then the village gates. Silence ensued between the two of you, no one dared to talk with the height of emotions the both of you had.

He stopped the car near a gasoline station's convenience store, went out of the car and into the store, leaving you still holding on to the buckled seat belt as if he will try to drop you off anytime soon.

He returned with two cans of warm coffee on hand.

"What..."

"You want us to talk right?"

"Well yeah—"

"I'm not doing that while we're not completely sober." He flicked the can open then gave it to you. Doing the same for his can.

You hesitated to drink but you figured that it wasn't so you to be doing serious talks with an alcohol cloudy mind.

So in a parked car at a gasoline station, two people were sitting in silence. Sipping their coffee, waiting to be sober enough to discuss actualities and emotional dilemmas.

"Are you not going to smoke?" You asked, wondering why he hasn't taken out a stick like he always did when he was with you.

"Besides the fact that we're in a gasoline station, I'm actually trying to stop smoking..."

"And why is that?" Looking back, you realized that the last time you saw a glimpse of smoke out of his mouth was when you finally found him after days of searching.

"Someone said... I should stop ruining my lungs." You turned to him and saw the usual glow of his eyes. It was the eyes that you used to know, you're glad to see them again.

"Well..." You swallowed. "That someone influenced you well then." Jealousy drips down the tone of your voice. You had told him more than once to quit the vice yet he continued to do so. This someone probably holds a special place in his life for him to follow so easily. It made you question, had you ever held a place in his life? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe you had a small stool reserved in his life full of grand dining chairs.

"Yeah.."

"And your hair?"

"Mark did it. It sucks I know..." He chuckled while ruffling his hair.

"No, it looks nice! Like really nice." It's so nice that every girl turns their heads when you're around and I'm annoyed every freaking time.

"It does?" He looked at you in wonder if you were really telling the truth. Instead of answering, you were caught in a trance with how he looked so...so...

Deja vu.

Your mind suddenly showed you an unfamiliar memory of you in this exact same car with your hands cradling the face of a black-haired Jeno.

"What are you doing, miss drunken gir—"

"Holy shit!" You blurted out.

"What, what happened?" Jeno also panicked.

"Did I... did I ever kiss you before?"

Jeno blinked.

You blinked.

Once, twice, thrice...

"Tell me... what did I do that night? After Lee Taeyong's party?"

You saw his adam's apple bob up and down, his jaw clenched as well and he looked away from you.

"So... you just remembered."

"Tell me what I did!" You demanded while hitting his arms in the process.

"Okay, okay..." He grabbed your hands that were still hitting him and held onto them to stop you from further physical (but light) abuse.

"That night, you were so drunk that you kept clinging onto my neck. And you... you..."

"What?"

"Let's just say that you tried leaving marks." He scratched his nape in embarrassment. "So I had to carry you like a sack. And I couldn't bring you home because I wouldn't want to be the reason you are grounded. So I brought you somewhere you could get sober. You were sleeping, I was sure of it. But suddenly you were awake and... kissed me and things were escalating quickly and then boom... in dreamland you went."

"I fell asleep while making out with you?!"

"Kind...of?"

"What the fuck is wrong with me, seriously?"

The self loathing was so present in the moment. How could you ever fall asleep while kissing a Jeno Lee!

"You also said something that time..."

You looked at him and he was still avoiding your eyes like it was him who did something embarrassing.

[From here on out, all italicized words will be Jeno's side of the story starting from Taeyong's party]

"I think.... I think..." A hiccup escaped your lips. "I think I like you."

Jeno looked at you to see if you were awake again but you had your eyes closed already. Was it a dream of yours? Do you think the kiss was just a dream? Were you aware that you were saying these things to him?

They say drunk words are sober thoughts. Jeno used to believe that. But right now, your drunk words were too much of a fantasy for him. How could you say that so easily when he himself couldn't find the courage to do so for months?

When you woke up (once again) that day, fully sober. He had expected you wouldn't remember anything in an instant. So he decided to leave the drama for tomorrow. You and him had all the time in the world to talk about it so why rush?

He brought you home, came back to Taeyong's house to fetch the others, went home himself, and rested. He had to gather up all of his strength to face you the next day. For sure at that time, you already remember.

But on the next day, you weren't there at the picnic table under the blossom tree. He tried asking your other friends, they all said you were busy. He tried again on the next day but it was still the same.

Days passed. Weeks. He couldn't get a hold of you. His calls to you were always declined. If not declined, it reached voicemail. His texts left with no replies. His chats left unread.

Were you avoiding him? But why?

He assumingly answered the 'why' when he saw you in that cafe with the guy you told him stories about. 'Jaehyun' was it? Of course, you weren't the type to ghost a friend. You always had a valid reason for everything.

Jeno then decides to spend the days trying to forget that night. Suppressing his own feelings by lifting weights and avoiding even a bit of your shadow.

He heard from people that you were looking for him and for a moment, he almost succumbed to the thought of it. But he believed he shouldn't see you. Not when you were probably back with the guy you used to like and he was there with existing nicotine-originated feelings for you.

He chose to be kind to himself. Because that's what he should do right?

Not until one day when he chose to relive his moments with you and you found him.

Why...why did you look so sad?

He knew he had to go right away. He couldn't promise he could keep his arms to himself.

And go he did.

And later on realizing that it was a dumb decision because seeing your eyes again brought life into his system. Like they were the fuel to his fire.

Jeno decided he won't avoid you the way he did ever again. No scratch that— Jeno knows he couldn't avoid you ever again after seeing you like that. He had to make sure you were always okay. But he didn't know how to approach you.

So he just became present everywhere you went. Like he used to be. Except he was just there and you were out of his reach and the nicotine withdrawal has been very tough that he wanted to tell you about it but he just...can't.

The next thing he knew, he was kissing you in a silent hallway. His arms snaked around your waist while your hands raked through his hair. It was like the first time, except this was better. So much better.

But the taste of the mixed vodka from your lips brought him back to his cloudy senses.

You were drunk. Not 'drunk' drunk like before but you weren't sober. And he has seen this all before, he didn't like what happened next.

Besides, you didn't deserve intimacy initiated by alcohol and lack of nicotine.

So, he tried to run away like every dumb and coward person would do.

Because why would he tell you

"I like you. And you deserve to know that... at least while I'm in the right state of mind." Jeno finally confessed.

You were once again slack-jawed from everything he told you.

"But if you actually did get back with him.. then just brush it off. It's okay, I promise." He finally looked into your eyes like he was trying to prove that he would be okay. Like he hadn't just told you how your stupid decisions in life caused yourself unnecessary torture.

And what? He still thinks you're back with Jeong Jaehyun?

With no thoughts, head empty, you unbuckle your seatbelt and reach for his face and kiss his lips.

It was the sweetest, the realest, and the softest kiss you ever had.

And literally, it's your first time kissing him with a sober mind.

At exactly 3 months, 2 days, and 3 hours from the day you first realized that you liked this boy, you finally get to stop folding those paper stars.

No more silly games of hide and seek. No more dumb decisions.

The taste of coffee lingered on your lips when you pulled away and it made you laugh.

"Funny, we both taste like coffee.." You bit your lip to suppress a smile.

"Then maybe caffeine will be my new addiction." He said before pulling you in once again, savoring your lips.

This time with no more inhibitions.