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breella · 3 months

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Of Course I’ll Kill it For You

Ruhn’s girlfriend is deathly afraid of spiders and it causes a commotion.

A/n: This was written on mobile in like 10 minutes so I’m sorry for any mistakes. I love Ruhn so much.

Content warning: Cursing and spiders. I think that’s all but if you see anything else please let me know.

Y/N: I’m scared

You sent the text to Ruhn without even thinking about it. There was a giant spider by your bedroom door and there was no way you were moving past it. You kept your eyes on it, making sure it wasn’t going to attack you.

Y/N: I think it’s going to kill me.

You fired off another text to your boyfriend.

You could have sworn the spider was looking at you. It was definitely plotting your untimely demise. You should have been getting ready to meet Ruhn and your friends at the White Raven, but there was no way in Hel you were walking past that evil creature to get to your closet. You picked up your phone again a few minutes later to see why Ruhn wasn’t texting you back.

“Shit” you muttered to yourself. Your phone was dead and the charger was of course in a different room. You were trying to muster up the courage to run past it. You even stood up from the bed. As soon as you began to take a step the spider scurried across the wall stopping directly across from where you were standing.

“Ahh” you scream and jumped back on the bed. You were under no circumstances trying that again. You made peace with your fate. You were either going to die from starvation or be eaten by that damn spider.

You should be meeting Ruhn and your friends any minute. They would never let you live this down if they found out you were cowering in the corner of your bed from a spider.

You heard the faint sound of footsteps down the hall of your apartment. Relief washed over you. Maybe Ruhn had decided to pick you up here before heading to the White Raven. The footsteps were gettin closer but there was more than one set. There were multiple people and it sounded like they were running. You slumped against your headboard. It was probably just your neighbors.

Suddenly you were startled by loud banging on your apartment door. “Y/n! Y/n answer me!” You heard Ruhn yell. He sounded frantic. Worry settled in your gut. Something awful must have happened.

“Ru-“ you started to call back to him but were cutoff by the sound of your apartment door being busted open.

“Y/n where are you?” Ruhn called sounded just as panicked as before. You could hear him and the others walking around your apartment.

“In here” you called. You were filled with dread and worry. You couldn’t think of anything that would make him barge in your apartment sounding like that. You had never heard him sound so upset. He was usually calm and collected in alarming situations.

Your bedroom door slammed open with force. Ruhn ran to you cupping your face and looking you over as Declan and Flynn walked in the room with confused looks on their faces. Both were holding guns and scanning the room.

“Are you alright? What happened?” Ruhn asked.

“I’m fine” you said slowly. Confusion taking over the worry you were previously filled with. “What do you mean what happened? You are the one who barged in here like a mad man. What’s wrong?”

Declan and Flynn exchanged glances but put their guns in holsters.

“Your text.” Ruhn replied. His hands were still holding your face. His eyes were staring in to yours. “You said something was trying to kill you. Then you wouldn’t reply or answer my calls.”

You had forgotten about the stupid texts you sent to him before your phone died. It never even crossed your mind that he would think you were really in trouble. He must have been thinking the worst the whole way to your apartment. He probably thought you were already dead when you stopped responding.

“0h yeah… the texts” you whispered.

“Well what happened?” He was still staring at you intently with his hands holding your face as if he was afraid to let you go. Your eyes wondered across the room to the spider who had made its way to the corner of your ceiling during the commotion. Ruhn’s eyes followed yours landing on the spider with a look of shock on his face. His friends’ eyes soon followed when they realized you were both staring at the same spot on the wall. Shock took over the features quickly followed by a burst of laughter. They were both laughing so hard they could barely breath. They pushed each other out of the room when they saw the angry look Ruhn was giving them.

“Really y/n! A spider? A fucking spider? I thought you were dead!”

“Oops…” you shrugged. “I’m sorry. My phone died and the charger is in the living room. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Ruhn let out a long sigh and rubbed his face with his hand. His features were a mix of relief and annoyance.

“Will you still kill the spider for me? Please?” You batted your eyelashes at the prince.

“Of course I’ll kill the fucking spider for you.”

#ruhn danaan #crescent city #ruhn x reader #prince ruhn #ruhn crescent city

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prismaticpichu · 11 months

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Okokokok so

Sephiroth passes out from dehydration in the manor and not knowing what else to do, knowing just how bad it could be to be caught like this by civilians or what would happen if this info got back to Hojo, Cloud and Zack sneak Seph's unconscious ass to Cloud's house and put him in Cloud’s childhood bed.

Seph wakes up to Claudia making him breakfast, and in general being a good mother figure. And I dunno Zack and Cloud burned the library totally by accident and found a Vampire neither of which are their fault they swear.

Now THAT’s a happy ending! <3 Score one for our bodily necessities!!!

“C’mon, Spiky! Put your back into it!”

A giant mass of silver and black is dragged rag-doll-style along the basement floor, two considerably smaller individuals hauling one boneless arm apiece.

“He’s. HEAVY.”

~~~

Sephiroth, well… he’s quite the confused cockatoo when he wakes up. Why on Gaia is he in a bed half his size? Why on Gaia are there approximately eight posters of him on the wall? Why on Gaia does his back feel like a lawnmower ran over it?

Where is he? What is this? What is HAPPENING—

“Whoah, whoah! Calm down, buddy!” Zack grips his forearm upon seeing Sephiroth begin to huff and puff like a bull, guiding him back down onto the pillow. “You’re safe!”

There isn’t much room to protest when his head is absolutely throbbing; Sephiroth slumps back into the bed, groaning, one eye still creaked open as he scans the room around him with dangerous scrutiny. He’s also coughing like a poor rundown car.

“0h, here!” Zack hands his friend a juice box from the nightstand. “You gotta replenish!”

There’s a western riff in the background as Sephiroth stares down the juice box—a bright green abomination with a hippo-shaped apple drawn on the side. Are you kidding him? No. NO. He is a full-grown man with dignity, and standards, and—

Fortunately, Zack shoves the straw in his mouth anyway.

“Okay, okay.” Zack takes a step back from the bedside, still reading the utter, blistering confusion on Sephiroth’s visage as he sips away. “I’m gonna take things nice and slow, pal. I’ll explain everything.”

Sephiroth narrows his eyes in warning—his signature You better or the guillotine will be having your head death glare. He swallows another round of Juciy Juice.

Zack swallows himself. There’s a lot he could say right now. A whole goddamn book. Everything since the Reactor has just been so… wrong; Seph had planted so many ideas in his head, got so snarled up in things that were just too much for him to bear. He just needs to untie him, thread by thread. Nice and gentle. Nice and slow.

“Well, y’see, me and Spiky were getting real worried about you. So—“

“Jenova is not your mother.”

Oh c’mon.

Both eyes snap towards the voice—the low, sunken timbre that had revealed itself from the unlit corner of the room.

Sephiroth doesn’t even process the fact that some Comic-Con devotee with a claw for a hand begins peeling himself out from the shadows; he barely processes Zack’s frustrated yelping at said devotee. All he can hear is Her. Her. The library. The books. The Cetra. The Truth. Memory consumes him in a single, famished clasp, like a sudden strike of lightning, like a sudden belch of flames, and all of a sudden his eyes are needle-thin and he begins snarling your typical oh here we go again Sephiroth snarls.

He squeezes the juice box so hard that it explodes.

“Mother! Mother! MOTHER!”

“Ahhhhhhhhhh, no! No no no no!” Zack wraps his arms around the other’s neck like a lasso, pleading and hushing and grappling, mustering all his desperate strength to keep Sephiroth lying in bed and not gouging eyes out. “It’s okay! It’s okay! It’s me! Shhhh… take me home… country road…!”

Eventually, with some guided, deep-breathing exercises, Sephiroth does calm down, letting his eyes return to normal and slumping back into the mattress. Zack turns over his shoulder with a silent “Really?!”, while Sephiroth collects himself, coming back to the present… but the memories still remain clear. Crystal clear. Except now, instead of a torrent of poison and overwhelming rage, the memory gouges him out. Leaving him hollow. Sad.

And, wait a minute… why is there a comic-con devotee here?

“Who… are you…” Sephiroth pants, the suspicion creeping back into his voice.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. This is Vincent.” Zack gestures towards the cloaked man. “Me and Spiky found him sleeping in some coffin. He’s been sleeping there for years—had to get him out before we burned that stupid manor down. Hope it’s okay that we borrowed your materia!”

Sephiroth is silent.

“Oh, and… he mayyyyyy know one or two things about J—that creature.”

Sephiroth is still silent.

Vincent goes on to take the reins and explain everything: the experiments, the pain, the Hojo, the regret… The Lucrecia.

“…Lucrecia?” Sephiroth repeats, ghostly, a numb mist having enveloped him entirely. It… it didn’t make any sense. Jenova—he clenches his teeth—he… he spawned from her. She was his…

His…

“Your mother,” Vincent elaborates. “Lucrecia was your mother. And she loved you. She never wanted things to…” He turns away, the bloody tint in his eyes seeming to clot. “Your mother was human, Sephiroth. She made mistakes. So did I.”

Sephiroth’s gaze floats to his hands, words disobedient, his organs and blood and bones sitting in an empty husk. Zack cuffs his hand around his upper arm, squeezing gently, squeezing a whole poem of silent messages.

“So… I really don’t have a mother,” Sephiroth mumbles then. “She’s gone.”

“Who wants pancakes?!”

The bedroom door opens with an enthusiast swing, and in comes Claudia, and in comes the delectable waft of fresh golden pancakes, Cloud at her heels as she carries the plate over to the bedside.

“Here you are, General. Cloud told me that you had gotten sick in the manor; good to see you awake! How is the bed by the way? It has been quite some time since my Stormcloud slept in it.” She turns around, suddenly facing a wide-eyed Vincent Valentine. “Oh, I do not believe we met before. I’m Claudia. Pleasure to meet you.”

“You brought the guy back here?!” Cloud scorn-hushes to Zack. “I thought he was going to stay outside!”

“I needed him to help clear things up with Seph!”

Meanwhile, Sephiroth is sitting in bed, blinking, a platter of flapjacks on his lap and a nice little syrup saucer glistening beside them. Claudia dusts her hands off, smile still twinkling.

“Well, I’ll leave you men be for a little. Please call if you need anything.” Before she left, however, she makes her way back to the bedside, back to the stuporous Sephiroth, and tucks the blanket further up his shoulders.

“I don’t want you to be cold, dear. You are already so unwell.”

And then she leaves for real.

“Aww…” Zack mock-moans once he hears her footsteps patter down the stairs. “She’s better at taking care of you than me!”

“Yeah…” Cloud rubs his neck. “She does that.”

Sephiroth… can’t disagree. He glances again at the fresh breakfast balanced in his lap—breakfast made just for him, because he was unwell, because someone took that information and turned into a remedy. The emerald eyes are rippling, thoughtful and confused and detached yet somehow strung back to his body all again. Tighter than ever before.

“Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth lifts his gaze, meeting Vincent, who bestows to him a slow, meaningful nod. “I believe that is what a mother is.”

~~~

And the four proceed to have a pancake party!!! <33 Whoooooooooh! Sharing is caring!! (Well, three-quarters of the pie anyway. Vincent is just too stubborn.)

“C’mon, Vince!” Zack holds up his fork, the cluster of fluffy magic absolutely waterlogged in syrup. “Try some! It really heals your inner demons!”

#ffvii #crisis core #sephiroth #zack fair #cloud strife #claudia strife #vincent valentine #beans #pancakes #asks #ty!!!!

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ne0n-n0b0dy · 2 months

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th1ngs 1 have f0und 1n 1n the secret lab!

NE0N! :1D!! als0 the 0ther n0ble gases!!!

full j0urnels w1th full names! 1 0nly knew the1r n1cknames bef0re!! 1s 1t a bad 1dea t0 p0st them???

l0ts and l0ts of n0tes!

bl00d? 1 th1nk??

m0re weap0ns! h0w fun!!

a bunch 0f f00d st0res! why keep them 1n a lab?? 0h well!!! 1 w1ll be able t0 eat d1fferent f00d f0r a wh1le!!!!

#grumblr #h0w exc1t1ng!

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reamed · 2 months

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feeling unlovable :D 0h well I will masturbate until I forget

#txt #I want constant attention from one (1) person

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thewertsearch · 1 year

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Aradia hopped into the Time Vortex as a sprite - but the version of her that emerged is rendered in a less symbolic manner.

The end of the session is a big deal, so Aradia dressed for the occasion.

FUTURE apocalypseArisen [FAA] 2:16 HOURS FROM NOW opened private transtimeline bulletin board r0ad t0 the und0ing.

Aradia refers to the result of her plan as the Undoing.

This is an event which accompanies the destruction of the universe, and is likely triggered by Snowman’s death. Aradia is still a puppet, and there is now no question whatsoever as to her puppeteer's intentions.

They’re trying to summon Lord English.

FAA: this private b0ard will and has already served as a l0g 0f past events f0r future selves t0 rec0rd and a guide 0f future events f0r past selves t0 f0ll0w FAA: i d0nt kn0w which half 0f its r0le has been 0r will be m0re imp0rtant FAA: p0ssibly neither is critical since deviati0n fr0m the c0urse is m0stly imp0ssible and reflecti0n 0n its traversal is c0mpletely irrelevant FAA: but im typing this anyway FAA: because im b0red again

Aradia’s dry wit is always a hoot. She’s still mostly emotionless here, even though we know her robot body is capable of having feelings.

Maybe Aradia was never as void of personality as she was pretending to be. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was partially an act - a way to detach herself from the grim reality of her situation.

PAST apocalypseArisen [PAA] 601 HOURS AGO responded to memo. PAA: and here i was thinking we were finished taking 0rders fr0m v0ices!

If the Voices were Horrorterrors, she couldn’t leave them behind by entering a session that they’re part of. We’re looking for an entity located outside the session, who has a vested interest in ending the universe.

There is basically no chance whatsoever that the culprit isn't Doc Scratch.

PAA: weve 0nly swapped the imperatives 0f the dead with th0se 0f 0ur future selves PAA: wh0 are als0 dead FAA: yes it seems that way PAA: 0h well it was an enj0yable reprieve fr0m fatalism while it lasted PAA: id nearly managed t0 sav0r it FAA: an err0r narr0wly av0ided then

Aradia’s manipulation is, at this point, completely artificial. The Voices are gone, but Homestuck’s own predestination system has kicked in, ‘forcing’ her to perform certain actions.

I’ve talked before about how predestination in Homestuck seems to serve the game’s ends, at the expense of its Players - but why would Sgrub want to cause the Undoing? It sent a group of Exiles to rebuild civilization on Alternia, so I don’t know why it would want the planet destroyed.

This particular instance of predestination seems to benefit Doc Scratch, at the game’s expense. Sgrub might not be the only entity that can twist fate to suit its own ends.

#homestuck liveblog #full liveblog #act 5 #2589 #s51

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comospite · 1 year

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#dimAUs #i w0nder h0w many 0f yall will relate t0 this /j #i l0veeee malpractice!f0rte my scrunkly #why did i make him depressed #he d0esnt deserve it #why d0es he can0nically die #*shrugs* 0h well

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disco-elysium-via-polls · 11 days

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🎵Disco Elysium, Pt 1

Yellow moss on these stones... they're probably stolen from someone's garden.

ACELE - "Hello again." The girl looks up at you for a moment before turning back to her work.

4. "What are you doing out here in the cold?"

...

2. (Give her your hat.) "Here. You need this more than I do."

ACELE - "Thanks." She puts it on. It's a bit large for her.

Item lost: Amphibian Sports Visor

+5 XP

That had little benefit except giving us a bonus on a check we've already passed, but it made me feel better. And since we bought that hat from Siileng, we could always just go get another one.

🎵 Protorave

EGG HEAD - The large-headed youth has closed his eyes, lost in the music. Sensing you, he opens them...

"Good morning, comrade! Yeaaaaaah!"

"I found this reel of tape, maybe you can use it to hard-up Eyck's jam." (Give him the fixed hawthrone tree tape.)

EGG HEAD - "Yeagh, re-mix time!" His voice booms through the church as he takes the tape and attaches it to the empty reel slot. "Tape goes here -- into deck B." He clicks a switch, the tape starts spinning...

A hand on his ear, he listens to the audio through his headphones, and shouts…

"Wow..." His face lights up with delight. "Did you get this from Arno himself?"

EMPATHY [Easy: Success] - A great excitement is bubbling to the surface within him. This is *big*.

"What do you mean?"

"Uh, no, actually I found it tangled up in a hawthorn tree..."

EGG HEAD - "Listen, I'm just going to show it to you... Ready?"

"Ready."

EGG HEAD - "Whooh, hear that?!" He wipes his brow. "The sines match perfectly!"

"Now if only we had the beat for the *full assault*. It would be unbelievably hyper!"

ANDRE - "Intriguing. The way I see it... van Eyck based his remix on some famous original piece. Like, a folk song? Something local. Seems you found an initial part with the main melody."

NOID - "I think it's just happenstance. Chaos in action. Contingencies of our limited existence. That and Egg Head's fantastic talent." He nods to his friend behind the turntables.

INTERFACING [Medium: Success] - Noid's right, Egg Head's technical talent is the key.

LOGIC [Medium: Success] - No, this is definitely part of the same song. Something cut from it. It fits too well.

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy: Success] - Something *mysterious* is going on here...

"Maybe Arno van Eyck lives around here and just threw a part of his song away, because he thought it was shit?"

"Andre's got it. Sounds like a local song re-mixed."

"I agree with Noid, it's just luck -- *and* Egg Head's incredible mixing skills."

EGG HEAD - "Be how it may -- if it fits, it fits!" He pumps his fist in the air. "Bring up the volume!"

Thought gained: Arno van Eyck

ANDRE - "What about the bass? Do you have any ideas for that?" Andre looks back at you.

NOID - "Yeah, I remember -- you said it needs more bass!"

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Medium: Success] - You can't just leave it without a bass track!

"Honestly, nothing springs to my mind right now. But I'll see if I can come up with a solution down the lane." (Proceed with task.)

"I think it's good enough the way it is. Adding that melody has already been a *massive* improvement. It's pretty hard core now." (Finish task.)

EGG HEAD - "You're *THE WARRIOR*! THE WARRIOR OF DANCE MUSIC!"

ANDRE - "Don't be too hard on yourself if you don't figure it out. I think the jam's already pretty ultra."

EGG HEAD - "But it could be hyper, HYPER HARD CORE!"

5. "Alright. Goodbye, Egg Head." [Leave.]

ARNO VAN EYCK

Temporary research bonus: +1 Interfacing Research time: 0h 50m

The question won’t leave you – why did the melody line from a broken and discarded tape fit perfectly into a song played by some speedfreaks in a frozen tent? Can it be a coincidence? Maybe it’s the hand of the Man-Machine himself, in his attempt to craft a perfect song. Maybe Egg Head is actually Arno van Eyck in disguise!? Eyck? Egg? Hmm...

CHURCH DOORS - Heavy wooden doors more than twice your height stand shut in front of you. The rectangular, sea-worn ornamentation appears in stark contrast to the padlock carelessly drilled into the wood.

Open the padlock with the key.

CHURCH DOORS - The lock turns easily. You hear a click as the shackle pops open.

SHIVERS [Challenging: Success] - Feels like electricity and a very small piece of nothingness.

KIM KITSURAGI - "Let's go." The lieutenant nods at you.

+1 Reputation

Pull on the doors...

CHURCH DOORS - A great whoosh of air rushes into the dark innards of the church, as though rushing to fill a great vacuum...

... in the heart of the city.

#disco elysium #kim kitsuragi #harrier du bois #acele #noid #andre #egg head

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pesterloglog · 2 months

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Roxy Lalonde, Jade Harley, Calliope, Aradia Megido, Sollux Captor, Karkat Vantas, John Egbert, Gamzee Makara, Dave Strider, Rose Lalonde, Kanaya Maryam, Jane Crocker, Jake English

Candy, page 21

ROXY: thx everyone for joining us today

ROXY: we are gathered here to honor the memory of alternate universe jade

ROXY: alas we hardly knew her

ROXY: by which i mean we didnt know her at all

ROXY: cuz she fell out of the sky like a week ago and was already dead

ROXY: but i think that based on our long acquaintanceship with alive jade we can safely assume that she was totally rad

JADE: (ugh)

ROXY: so were all here to contemplate the vast cruelness of the universe that such radness was plucked in its prime

ROXY: psst callie the roses

CALLIOPE: oh, of coUrse!

CALLIOPE: pUrple roses traditionally represent love at first sight, however these roses are actUally red roses that we prepared Using a blUe dye.

CALLIOPE: the blUe rose is the most elUsive and mysterioUs of all flowers.

CALLIOPE: the combination of red and blUe in this context is meant to evoke the dUal natUre of death, in that there is nothing more mysterioUs and impossible to comprehend than the vast void of the afterlife, bUt also there is nothing that makes Us appreciate the life and and love that we already have than the mystery of death.

CALLIOPE: while death is terrifying, there is always joy to be foUnd among the sorrow. each time we witness death, we fall in love with the important people in oUr lives all over again.

ROXY: woah callie thats a beautiful metaphor

CALLIOPE: aw, thank yoU roxy. u_u

ROXY: dont sound so humble it is v v deep

CALLIOPE: i jUst can’t take credit for external inspiration.

ROXY: lmao cmon callie youre the literal muse

CALLIOPE: yes, bUt yoU’re...

ARADIA: oh no did we miss the entire corpse party

ARADIA: i hope not

SOLLUX: yes that w0uld be *such* a tragedy.

ARADIA: oh shush you

ARADIA: the tragedy is what i dont want to miss!

KARKAT: ARADIA?

KARKAT: HOLY SHIT... SOLLUX?!

SOLLUX: hey l0ser. it’s been a l0ng time.

KARKAT: IT’S BEEN A...

KARKAT: IT’S BEEN A “LONG TIME”?!

KARKAT: IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ME?! IT’S BEEN MORE THAN A FUCKING HUMAN DECADE!

KARKAT: I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE DEAD.

ARADIA: no i wasnt dead

KARKAT: NO, I MEAN LIKE

KARKAT: “GONE FOREVER”??

KARKAT: I THOUGHT THAT YOU TWO LITERALLY DIDN’T EXIST ANYMORE!

KARKAT: OR AT THE VERY LEAST WERE TRAPPED IN A DEAD UNIVERSE PERPETUALLY COLLAPSING INTO ITS OWN ASSHOLE.

SOLLUX: 0h. n0pe.

KARKAT: FINE!

KARKAT: WALTZ IN HERE WITH NO EXPLANATION WHATSOEVER. SOUNDS ABOUT FUCKING RIGHT.

KARKAT: IT’S NOT LIKE YOUR SUDDEN AND UNEXPLAINED PRESENCE IS ANY LESS OF A JOKE THAN THIS “FUNERAL” WE’RE HAVING.

KARKAT: I MEAN, WHY STOP AT SOLLUX AND ARADIA?

KARKAT: MAYBE FUCKING NEPETA IS ABOUT TO POUNCE FROM BEHIND THAT GROTESQUE STATUE OF THE HUMAN SUFFERER T-POSING OVER THERE.

KARKAT: NEPETA, ARE YOU THERE? COME ON OUT! THE CORPSE PARTY WOULDN’T BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU!

ROXY: SHOOSH everyone!

ROXY: there will be a reception with cake n candy after the service

ROXY: u all can have ur poignant reunions then

ROXY: before we unite in tearful togetherness we gotta unite in tearful loss

JOHN: wait... there’s more?

JOHN: i thought that nice speech callie made was, like...

JOHN: pretty much the funeral.

ROXY: lol no

ROXY: callie and i were just gettin started

JADE: oh my god...

ROXY: anyway where was i?

CALLIOPE: how the infinite mystery of death makes Us appreciate the love we have!

ROXY: right

ARADIA: so i see you managed to get out of the fridge

GAMZEE: i DiDn’T jUsT gEt OuT oF tHe FrIdGe, I wAs SeT fReE sIsTeR!

ARADIA: i see

GAMZEE: wHeN tHe DoOr Of ThAt FrIdGe pOpPeD oPeN iT wAs LikE i Be AlL sEeIn ThE lIgHt AnD sHiT.

SOLLUX: well yeah

SOLLUX: that’s what happens when s0me0ne 0pens a d00r t0 a t0tally dark encl0sure.

SOLLUX: fuck, i can’t believe y0u’re still this stupid.

SOLLUX: 0h wait i can.

GAMZEE: nO bRoThEr, It’S a MoThErFuCkIn MeTaPhOr.

GAMZEE: A mEtApHoR fOr ThE mIrAcLe Of rEdEmPtIoN!

ARADIA: redemption

GAMZEE: yEaH cHeCk It ThE fUcK oUt.

GAMZEE: i DiD My MoThErFuCkInG rEdEmPtIoN aRc. :o)

ARADIA: is that so

GAMZEE: i BeEn DoInG aLl KiNdS oF gOoD dEeDs At ThE lOsT mOtHeRfUcKeRs.

GAMZEE: pReAcHiNg ThE hOlY wOrD. mAkInG oUt WiTh OrPhAns.

ARADIA: oh hmm

SOLLUX: isn’t it “kissing 0rphans”?

ARADIA: let him talk sollux

GAMZEE: i EvEn GoT a HeAlThY mUtUaLlY fUlLfIlLiNg kIsMeSiS gOiN oN wItH tHaT fOxY hUmAn BrOaD uP fRoNt.

ARADIA: its so nice that you believe all that gamzee

ARADIA: i think i can honestly say

ARADIA: im reasonably happy for you?

ROXY: omg quiet in the back already!

ROXY: were tryin to have a beautiful and solemn proceeding up here

ARADIA: oh im sorry

ARADIA: i do agree that its a beautiful corpse party

ARADIA: but i think it would be even MORE beautiful if we could you know

ARADIA: actually see the corpse?

KARKAT: OH MY GOD ARADIA, WHY ARE YOU STILL LIKE THIS?

ROXY: oh lol ur right i cant believe that slipped my mind

ROXY: hey jake a lil help?

ROXY: im like hella pregnant here and shouldnt be doing any heavy lifting

JADE: ughhh...

DAVE: yo babe its ok

JADE: easy for you to say! youve got practice with this kind of thing!

DAVE: just remember its not actually your corpse

DAVE: i mean technically it is

DAVE: it both is and isnt your corpse at the same time

DAVE: which yeah the longer you think about it like that the more fucked up it gets

DAVE: but also when you objectively think about it the combined multiverse is a huge tangle of interrelated but totally random events and its only chance that this specific life is the one you ended up living

DAVE: you and that corpse could have just as easily switched places

DAVE: but also that would never actually happen because its not how paradox space works

DAVE: anyway my point is that nothing really matters so chill out

JADE: um, i love you with all my heart dave but youre REALLY not helping right now

ARADIA: now this is more like it

JADE: i cant look...

DAVE: oh

DAVE: here

JADE: uhh... what... are you doing??

DAVE: emotional support yo

ROSE: Dave.

DAVE: what

DAVE: id like to see you do better

KANAYA: Me Too Actually

ROSE: I’m sorry, but I’m not the one whose questionable consolation tactics are on trial here.

CALLIOPE: this isn’t a trial! it’s a fUneral!

JOHN: haha, they’ve got a point rose, you gotta admit.

ROSE: A point about what?

JOHN: um...

JOHN: you’re not great at consolation? just saying.

KANAYA: Oh You Dont Know The Half Of It

ROSE: Excuse all of you, but I’m an excellent advice giver.

JADE: umm nobody said anything about advice giving rose...

JOHN: oh yeah, the advice is top notch.

JOHN: but you’re kind of a weird person to like... cry in front of?

JOHN: no offense.

ROSE: What??

JOHN: the first time i ever got upset in front of rose irl, she put her arms around me and it was so awkward that i had to ask her if she was hugging me or reaching for something on the shelf behind me.

CALLIOPE: everyone, we’re getting rather off track...

ROSE: I was doing both for your information.

DAVE: the first time rose hugged me it was such a disaster we didnt make eye contact for like a week after

KANAYA: Jade Come Here I Shall Hold You In My Arms

JADE: thank you kanaya at least ONE of you knows how to treat a lady in distress!

JANE: Agreed. I’ve always felt that Kanaya has done an exemplary job of providing a model for compassionate, empathetic behavior, which others of her kind would do well to follow.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?

JANE: I’m sorry, Mr. Vantas. Do you have another unsolicited political opinion you’d like to share with everyone?

KARKAT: CONSIDERING THE SHIT GEYSER THAT JUST SHOT OUT OF YOUR IGNORANCE CANNON, I’D SAY MY OPINION IS PRETTY FUCKING SOLICITED RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

CALLIOPE: EVERYONE!

CALLIOPE: be qUiet!!!!!

CALLIOPE: please. roxy gathered yoU all here for a reason.

CALLIOPE: at least listen Until the end.

CALLIOPE: after that yoU can argUe all you want.

ROXY: look everyone im not dumb ok even tho i act like it sometimes

ROXY: i know whats goin on here

ROXY: that were all drifting apart

ROXY: and i know thats just a normal part of growing up and making new families

ROXY: and i guess learning that some people have unbridgeable divides on political stuff

ROXY: i can accept that things arent gonna always be the same as when we first met

ROXY: specially with dirk gone

ROXY: damn...

ROXY: even though its been more than a year i still feel it like he died yesterday

ROXY: what callie said earlier about death being mysterious and full of love is true

ROXY: i dont know if i ever would have gotten up the courage to marry john if dirk hadnt died

ROXY: sometimes i think about what it would have been like if he was still here

ROXY: i think we can all agree that if dirk didnt kill himself there would be some big differences in the lives of people here in this room

ROXY: i cant say if theyd be good or bad

ROXY: maybe when it comes to this kind of thing... like

ROXY: infinite probability and multiple universes and shit

ROXY: good and bad dont matter

ROXY: theres no better or worse just different

ROXY: even with dead jade here whos to say that the world she came from was actually worse than ours?

ROXY: she probably died a heroic death doin something incredible

ROXY: we probably only have the great lives we do right now because of her sacrifice

ROXY: the universal odds of us all being alive and healthy and together like this are so infinitesimally low that its literally impossible for us to understand with our limited linear consciousness

ROXY: isnt that amazing??

ROXY: so even if this is the last time were all ever in the same room like this

ROXY: i think its just incredible we could be here in the first place

ROXY: out of a sempiternal number of possibilities we are the only incarnation of this exact specific moment in all of existence

ROXY: i think that we should all look around and be super grateful for what we

ROXY: wh... what we

ROXY: wh... wha...

ROXY: whoah fuck

CALLIOPE: roxy? are yoU okay?

ROXY: of course im not ok i just WENT INTO FREAKING LABOR

JOHN: oh my god!

JOHN: it’s happening, oh my god!!

JOHN: ...

JOHN: oh my GOD!!!

ROXY: omg john are you just gonna keep shouting oh my god or are you GONNA HELP YOUR WIFEY OUT

JOHN: OH MY GOD!!!!!

JOHN: doing ok there, sweetheart?

ROXY: ugh whyd i let you put this thing inside me

JOHN: don’t worry roxy! we’ll get it out as soon as we can!

JOHN: er, by “it,” i mean our child.

JOHN: we probably shouldn’t be talking about him in dehumanizing terms before he’s even born, huh?

JOHN: seems like kind of a bad omen?

ROXY: omg.......... john SHUT UP

ROXY: i need like six gallons of demerol STAT

ROXY: lets GOOO

JOHN: right! going!

CALLIOPE: wait! i...

CALLIOPE: i woUld like to be there as well!

JOHN: hurry up then!

JADE: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

JAKE: By jove!

DAVE: jesus fuck

CALLIOPE: jade! yoU...

CALLIOPE: yoU’re alive!

CALLIOPE: or, Um,

CALLIOPE: yoU’re not dead!

JADE: i am not jade.

CALLIOPE: then who...

CALLIOPE: who are yoU?

JADE: you know who i am, calliope.

JADE: we met once, years ago.

JADE: you were dead, and so was i.

KANAYA: This Certainly Is A Turn Of Events

ARADIA: ill say

ARADIA: at first i was underwhelmed with the proceedings i have to admit

ARADIA: but that was quite the twist

ARADIA: this may be one of the best death related celebrations ive ever seen :)

SOLLUX: t0p five at least.

JADE: you’re undoubtedly surprised.

JADE: but these events were not unpredictable at all.

JADE: this is exactly what i have been expecting to happen.

JADE: and while i cannot say the same thing for the rest of you,

JADE: i, at least, am exactly where i am meant to be.

JAKE: Hey uh.

JAKE: Not to come off as a total idiot here but...

JAKE: Who were you supposed to be again?

JADE: my name is calliope.

JADE: i am the muse of space.

JADE: and i have entered this body to protect your world.

#homestuck #homestuck epilogues #roxy lalonde #jade harley #calliope #aradia medigo #sollux captor #karkat vantas #john egbert #gamzee makara #dave strider #rose lalonde #kanaya maryam #jane crocker #jake english #candy epilogue #page 21

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